Hmmmm...

Women’s Bathroom

Me: *washing my hands*

Random white lady: Wow, you’re a really great hand washer.

Me: *blink, blink* Uh, thanks?

Random white lady: No I mean really. You just get in there. You’re great. You have a great lather going…and you’re thorough. Geez. Its wonderful.

Me: *blank stare*
thinking: “did she just say I have a great lather going? (giggling inside) hmmmm…she’s really serious. I wonder if she’s crazy”

Random white lady: I mean, I know I probably don’t wash my hands as well as I should all the time but you…. you’re really good. You’re the best hand washer I’ve ever seen.

Me: *sorta feeling like I really should somehow be proud that my years of handwashing finally paid off or give some kind of speech since my skills are OBVIOUSLY well above average* Well yeah, I got it from my mom. She used to be in nursing school and it’s just a habit that rubbed off on me.

Random white lady: Aaah. Well that sorta explains it. *smiling*

Me: *half smiling and rushing to get out the bathroom* Okay…bye.


I mean ya’ll…I felt like I was on an episode of Seinfield or something. I figured only random crazy conversations about nothing only happened on tv. This should have been worked in the script of that episode about the “Man Hands” or something. Or the pie episode where the lady Jerry was dating wouldn’t eat the apple pie and then later Jerry wouldn’t eat the apple pie cuz he saw Papi in the mens room and he didn’t wash his hands. lol. Seinfield is crazy… anywho I digress. *smh* That was crazy though…Who compliments your hand washing abilities?

God's Time...

1 hour. The amount of time it took during our first conversation for us to realize that we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

2 seconds. The maximum amount of time that can pass before we invade each other’s personal space with a hug/a kiss/touch.

3 years. The amount of time it took us to get prepared for each other. ( the ending of his marriage and my engagement and consequently the last serious relationship either of us had was three years ago)

4 minutes. The amount of time that can pass by before we’re missing each other again.

5 months. The amount of time God has allowed us to experience a love comparable to nothing i've experienced before.

6 weeks. The amount of time it took us to tell anyone that we “WERE”… or rather.... we “ARE”

7 days. The amount of time God separated us to prepare us for what He’s about to do through us.

I think those seven days were the biggest 7 days of my life. It changed my life. My thought pattern was more different during that week than it has EVER been. My whole being was reconstructed. My entire life was on pause while God operated on me.
7 is the number of completion and perfection. I guess that’s why God planned it that way. We went through a major surgery. A MAJOR surgery. I can’t explain what God did during those 7 days of separation right now….but I know that the level we’re on now…spiritually and relationship-wise…is much higher than it was even a few weeks ago. The impartation and permeation of God’s Holy Spirit in us individually, coupled with His divine manifestation through us as a two flesh becoming one has left us tangled up in a love triangle that none of us wants to get out of. Our love for each other is seen through our love for God. It’s because of our love for God and His love for us that we even exist. The very essence that is us….our passion, our fervor for each other, our magnetism…our unmistakable attraction… is so wrapped up with God’s pull and call on our lives that sometimes it’s hard to recognize which is which or whether there’s even a distinct difference at all….

Well… I know I’m probably not making sense. I just needed to get that out. Anyways…I got some work to do…so I’ll be around later.

Dear Readers and Friends,

Due to unforseen circumstances, I will be taking a short vacation from blogging. Please keep TG and I in your prayers. Thanks.

Sway

My take on tha sit-chi-a-tion

Why do people date/court/have relationships?

In my opinion, the reason we date is to get to know a person and to see if they would be a fit candidate to marry. This process can take a long time because we want to make sure we see all sides of them, we want to make sure that they are what we're looking for. We want to make sure we’re ready, they are ready, we have the same goals, common interests… we want to make sure a lot of things. Whether it takes 6 months or 6 years, we spend our dating period pretty much trying to figure out if this person is “the one”. Now that is what I consider dating. Some people just date for the heck of it. lol. Know they ain’t looking for no long term fix…just wanna have an on-hand supply of sex…and for those people… I don’t consider that dating…but anywhoooo… I digress.

My question to you is, how long do you wait to marry that person AFTER you’re sure that this is they person u are supposed to spend the rest of your life with?

Most engagements are what 6 months to a year? So I guess once people find out that they indeed want to marry “such and such” they wait no more than a year to do it.

That doesn’t seemed rushed does it? It seems reasonable to me.

I guess this is why I am going to answer this next question the way I will.

Cymple asked a wonderful question. One that I’ve went over a thousand times...and one that almost every rational person would probably ask us once TG and I announce our engagement. WHY RUSH? WHAT’S THE RUSH!

I can admit, things ARE happening fast. Sometimes even WE are a little overwhelmed at how things are transpiring. Yet we when we look at it from a spiritual stand point, and we look at how everything that’s happened to us in the past has lead up to our meeting NOW… it’s not really all that fast…or overwhelming. It’s actually been quite a long time coming. Plus to be honest, we both prayed for things to happen this way. I guess that’s why gramma always used to say, “Be careful what u pray for”. I mean I’m glad I got it…but there was a lot of things we didn’t take into consideration when asking God for our spouse NOW…and letting us recognize each other from jump. I remember plain as day …and he does too, asking God to send us to each other. ASAP. I was ready for my husband. He was ready for his wife. We wanted each other NOW. And from the first conversation we had… we both knew. Since that day, our life has been one fast but wonderful journey.

We’re not crazy… we KNOW it’s hard to understand on the outside.
In the natural, it looks like two crazy and desperate kids rushing into a very serious and lasting relationship/marriage without knowing each other well enough. Trust me… there’s nothing anyone can think about TG and I that I haven’t already thought of myself. I’m a pretty rational thinker…even if I don’t always make rational decisions. I can never be accused of not “thinking rationally”. I usually weigh all my options first. I usually look at all sides. I pride myself on that. So I do know…whenever we do pop the big question on my parents first…(since he’s old fashioned…he wants to get my dad’s approval first) …the peaceful world as we now know it will be filled with confused parents, friends, and family wondering what is the rush! lol

I guess it’s all about perspective. It goes back to my initial question… How long do you wait to marry that person AFTER you’re sure that this is they person u are supposed to spend the rest of your life with?

For us, the first day we met we knew...so each day after that, we were pretty much where it take other couples months and years to get.

Come peep inside.

I was engaged once. TG was married once. I was with my ex for almost 4 years. He was with his ex for almost 7. We know about years. We know about how people and things change. We know that some things only time will tell. We’ve been there. What we’ve both learned it’s not about years and time spent as it is the quality of the time spent and the sureness of what you're doing is ordained by God. If we’re right together, we’re right together. If we’re not…we’re just not. In my opinion, time doesn’t change that. Time only confirms.

Anyways, I’ve dated since then. A LOT. lol. I’m sure you all have seen quite a few initials of guys names mentioned right here on the ole blog. But not once…did I ever mention someone as being “THE ONE”. Yeah…I got friends that would have made good husbands…but never did I FEEL in my spirit that they were “the one”. Same with TG… he’s dated A LOT of women since his divorce. We were both very unfulfilled. Mainly because we weren’t doing what God had told us to do. What we didn’t realize is that once we got in His will…He’d give us everything we were searching for. So we dated other people…but never was either of us fully fulfilled. Partly because neither of us ever truly gave ourselves to another person after our failed attempt at love with our ex’s. Sure we tried to do it. We “thought” we were giving everything…but we never really gave our heart to someone else. We didn't realize why til now. We couldn't give away what wasn't ours. His heart belongs to me, and mine to him. Which is why it took NO effort for either of us to get past each others his layers and brick walls and force fields we put up around our hearts. We were each others key. Everything fell into place with no effort or help from us. It was ordained from jump.

Both of our prayers were pretty much the same. “Lord, Grant me the discernment to recognize him/her as he/she recognizes me. Lord, I’m ready to love the person you’ve prepared for me. Lord, I need him/her NOW. Please Lord. PLEASE!” lol

Not realizing that once we both cleaned up our act…and prayed that prayer in sincerity…that God would do JUST THAT.

We knew we were husband and wife from our first conversation. The first date sealed our fate. I remember looking across the table at him for the first time really and saying to myself, “So this is my husband”. Before that day, we had been around each other, I’ve glanced in his direction, and observed his movements with my peripheral vision, but I never really looked AT him. Same with him. We talked all week about the fact that we found ourselves falling in love with each other’s spirit before we even really LOOKED at each other’s face. God had placed us together in spirit first. Then everything else just followed suit.

There have been a few times that I got cold feet and went into denial about whether or not he was my husband because it was hard for me to believe that God really did give me JUST what I asked for. But then He reminded me that when I seek Him first…he’d give me the desires of my heart. Ask…and you shall receive. I asked God to let us know immediately when we meet each other that we were husband and wife. And He did just that. Now… why rush you ask?

Well…. Like I said. It doesn’t seem rushed. It’s like… we kinda skipped the whole… well let’s date to see if we’re compatible…if you’re the one…if we both like pasta and jazz music stage. All of that fell into place AFTER we realized that we were soulmates. The connection we had was spiritual from the start. Our spirits linked before we even really looked at each other. We were already praying for our future together on the phone before our first date. Everything was accelerated from jump because that’s pretty much what both of us asked God for. I didn’t wanna play around and date to try and figure out this or that. I wanted to KNOW. And we do KNOW. So know that we KNEW… what’s next? Date..? Date for what? Wait…? Wait for what?

If you know they are the one, they know u the one, everyone else knows ya’ll gonna get married…and u can’t really move forward until u do…then the way I see it, the question is not why rush, it’s why wait? I mean, I’m being a little facetious…but I’m still serious.

Here are the facts…

We wanna be together. We got things to do. Goals to accomplish…ministries to start…children to have (I’m still young…but he’s getting up there. lol)... and none can be done til we’re married. We aren’t intimate despite the overwhelming desire to be…(especially when I spend the night…Lord help me! lol)…so of course that kinda makes us wanna get things moving. And…we can’t shack up cuz neither one of us is into that… and this living apart and seeing each other on the weekends SUCK. So….. since we know we GONNA be together regardless…and we really really WANNA be together now…so why not just do it right and start our lives together now?! I look at life and realize that it’s too short to wait and stop and procrastinate about things you are SURE of. Now if I had some doubts…then yeah, I’d wait. But God has blessed us to find each other, I’m ready to enjoy my blessing to the fullest extent and I can’t do that until we’re married. So why put off for tomorrow what I can do today? Tomorrow’s not promised… so we find ourselves at the point where we’re like… hey, let’s do it. :)


Okay, next week part deux… Reasons why we will at least wait until next year. (instead of doing what we really wanna do by saying screw it, and elope)

PS. Comments/Feedback encouraged.

Happy B-day to ME!!!!

Whew! What a weekend. *plopping down at my desk*

If i had ANY sense whatsoever, i would have taken today and tomorrow off to catch up on some sleep and some cleaning since this weekend lacked both. You guys, I am SOOOOOO happy. *smiling all cheesy* I had a Waaaaanda-ful birthday! *clapping* Starting friday, everything just flowed so nicely. TG takes birthdays very seriously, so he'd been saving for it. He had to cuz he had presentS for me everyday. lol So, here's the quick and dirty err...undirty rundown of my weekend.

Friday- Got to work and was greeted by a cute little b-day card from my co-workers. I'm very sad to report that there was no money in it. lol...But it was still sweet. They ended up taking me to lunch at La Fonda Latina. At first i was NOT feeling it. It looked like a run down hole-in-the-wall place...but u know what they say... it's always a good sign if there's a lot of people there. And La Fonda's was PACKED. We pretty much had to park on the street and walk to the restaurant. The place had lots of character but I wasn't too impresses still. lol. All 14 of us walked in and looked around the cramped spot and decided to go upstairs to the patio. Once up there, I began to feel better. I love being outside. We sat down and enjoyed the scenery and each other. I looked over the mexican-cuban based menu and chose to go with the quesadillas bistel (with rice and beans of course. lol) and it was surprisingly delicious. I mean, REALLY delicious. I wanna go again. lol. Anyway, they sung happy b-day to me and we were finally back at the office about 2.5 hours later. I ended up leaving work a little early because i was bored and anxious to start my weekend. So I sped home...only to be greeted by traffic. YUCK! I ended up getting home about my normal time. lol... I guess it was good i left a little early or i would have been behind schedule. Anyways... i showered and did my thang. I couldn't wait to see TG. With our schedules the way it is... we pretty much see each other on the weekends only...so by friday, i can hardly wait to jump into his arms and be showered by his hugs, and kisses, and I love you's. I finally managed to get so fresh and so clean, clean. My huuur was laid. I looked stunning if i do say so myself. Too stunning to be just going over my baby's house to put on some pj's, eat cookies and cream ice cream and watch all our favorite movies. lol. But when i saw him, that's all i wanted to do. I didn’t wanna be out and about. I didn’t wanna share. I wanted us to enjoy US. And we did just that. I got there with my overnight bag…and he looked amazing. He was just as decked out as I was. I kept thinking to myself… “I did GOOD!” *pat on my back* lol We embraced each other and that was all she wrote…within 10 minutes we were curled up on the couch watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman and eating ice cream. All plans…cancelled. That moment was priceless.

Before bed he told me he wanted to give me one of my presents then…since it was technically my birthday. After his whole “I love you and adore you” speech that left me in tears, he made me cover my eyes before revealing a dozen beautiful multicolored roses. NONE of which were red. I don’t like red roses. Ugh! (sorry delta’s) Here's a pic... sorry it's not a good one. *shrug*



He also gave me a beautiful gold bracelet-watch. I was so happy. I wore it to bed. lol (sorry no pic… I don’t have that one on today)
(edit 8.2.05: i do have on the watch today...so here's a pic. k,bye)


Saturday- I was awakened by the most tender shoulder kiss I’ve ever received. I felt every ounce of love he felt for me in that kiss. It was so deep it woke me out of my sleep. Smiling, we gazed at each other for a while and then he told me happy birthday… again…for the umpteenth time. I forgot to mention that Friday, he had a birthday countdown. lol. Every hour on the hour from about 7am Friday morning, he’d text me “happy birthday, ___ more hours!” along with some beautiful words expressing his love. *dreamy sigh* He’s good. After I said thanks, he took me by the hand, and we prayed and thanked God for life and etc.

Our first outing was waffle house. I jokingly told him that no birthday is complete without waffle house. It seems that every year, I manage to wind up there. This is the first time that I was glad about it though. A sista was HUNGRY! lol.

We went apartment hunting. I found one I kinda like, but I’m still looking. I got plenty of calls from people I wasn’t expecting one from. Isn’t that how it always is? The people that you just KNEW was going to call…didn’t. But the ones you didn’t even think knew or remembered your birthday…did. My good friend Mr. Poop sent me some pretty daisies. (note to self: I have GOT to get a better camera phone… this camera sucks)


Around 2:30, TG popped another gift on me. lol We were in his car jamming to Commisioned and he told me to open his glove compartment. There was a long kay jeweler’s box there. I smiled excitedly and opened it. There lay a beautiful diamond and topaz colored bracelet. (TG loves blue) I tried to take a pic of it just now, but again, it’s not clear and does the bracelet NO justice. You can't even see the beatiful blue stones. *frowning at pic below*

Anywho… I’m in the car jumping up and down excitedly and thanking him by grabbing his neck and pulling him over to me so I could kiss his cheek and neck. Um…I forgot he was driving. *looking down in silence* Aaaaaaaaanywho… he managed not to crash…and vowed to NEVER give me a gift in the car again. lol (sorry u can’t see the beautiful detail and color. It’s really pretty though)



Well…I HAD to wear the bracelet to dinner that night with him and the family, so I convinced him that we needed to go to the mall. lol We looked and looked for a blue or black outfit to set off my newest “bling” but we were rushing cuz it was now 3:30ish…and we had to swing by our group rehearsal @ 5 so they could say happy b-day to me and gimme my "present"…and then dinner was at 6:30 and neither of us was dressed. So I reluctantly gave up my new attire search and decided to go to his house and put on the cute dress I originally had planned to wear. But before we could go… we made a trip to Zales. I showed him the ring I had been eyeing…but before I could get someone to help us, we both saw the perfect ring. I MUST HAVE IT. I have never seen anyone with this ring. It was truly unique…and we both loved it. I think we’re getting that one. We got the specs and price and after I tried it on and made love to it with my eyes… we parted ways with my ring…and rushed to his house to get ready for my b-day dinner.

We went to Maggiano’s for my b-day dinner celebration. I introduced him to the rest of my family… he finally met my uncles, and my crazy cousins. He was right at home. The highlight of dinner is when he turned to my grandmother and said “U need some help with that Grandma?” My heart melted. I look over at him helping her with some mash potatoes and I felt a tear form. I’ve never bring guys around my family. But he just fits. I loved it.

More presents. I was excited. Yay! My parents bought me a watch too…it’s the silverly watch in the pic with TG’s bracelet *scroll back up*. I was like, “what ya’ll trying to say? What? I’m always late or something?”
They also bought me some clothes. Actually, the funny thing is that the one blue outfit I DID see at the mall earlier but decided not to get due to time constraints and the horrendous line due to “tax free weekend”… my mom bought me. lol So it all worked out.

TG brought out another small box. I couldn’t take it… this brotha was showing OUT. lol. He brought me some beautiful diamond studs. I have them on now…but u can’t see the pic well but…these are they.



Everyone else gave me money. (YAY!)

Sunday- church…then dinner with friends. I think I wore TG out this weekend. He was doing a whole lot of planning and driving Saturday…And even though it doesn’t seem like it…I only gave u the highlights. A lot more happened. lol. By Sunday afternoon…he was looking tiiiiiiiiide.

After dinner, he gave me another rose and a card, took me to his house and we napped til 10pm. lol. Then he took me home and called me once he got back in. We talked for about 30 minutes... then we went to sleep. We had a loooooooong weekend. And I enjoyed it. I had a GREAT birthday. I spent it with my loved ones. I got more than I could have imagined…and no orange bras were exposed, no guilt from kissing an ex…no exposed cheaters with girlfriends in different states, no spending my birthday alone and crying. Thanks God. I really feel blessed!

Christmas in July

July has definitely went by fast for me. Since I tend to look at the world in 2 week increments due to the bi-weekly paychecks I receive, I am pretty much already at the end of September because it seems like that will be the next time I’ll have a free check. So with that being said, July was pretty much over for me before it even started. lol. This week however hasn’t went by too fast. It seems like it’s taking forever for this week to come to the best weekend ever…aka…birthday weekend…payday weekend…tax free weekend…spend all 3 days with TG weekend…and get presents and stuff weekend. lol

It’s only Wednesday? Are u serious? *impatiently tapping my foot* Ugh! Lets go..let’s go…let’s gooooooooo!!

So I was asked 3 times already by TG to go get my finger sized. My coworkers seem to think they’re hearing wedding bells in the near future. hahahaha. Now THAT’S funny. I just think he wants to know for future reference. They think I’m in denial. I denied being in denial. What? Felt like the right thing to do. *shrug*
But really… when I thought about it. He DID kinda keep on asking me to go ASAP to find out my ring size so that he can know. 3 times in the last month IS kinda a lot. Hmmm… *shrug*

Anyways… while at Zales Monday sizing my finger. I couldn’t help but glance at these beautiful rings… AND their prices. Lawd have mercy! I mean… we already trying to get our head above water…and now he just so happened to fall in love with a girl who seems to unintentionally desire the most expensive ish on earth. Poor TG. I saw a lot of rings I liked. They were all over $4,000. *blink, blink*

This solitaire /enhancer combo was one of the ones I saw that really looked nice on my finger.

So people...... I really wanna know what ya’ll think. Now, I’m not saying we’re getting married tomorrow…but this is something that’s been crossing my mind a lot lately…so I figured I’d ask. Now engagement/wedding rings are something you gotta wear pretty much for the rest of your life. So quite naturally, you wanna be happy with what u put on your finger. Now I’m not hard to please. For me, I’m just happy this man that I love dearly, loves me back enough to wanna make it official and get me a ring. The problem is… well… despite my being easy to please, He KNOWS me. He KNOWS the kind of stuff I like…and he’d wanna get me the best… knowing that the best for me is VERY expensive (okay that’s not the problem, here’s the problem)… BUT…it wouldn’t be financially smart to get me the one(s) I really like cuz we could do SOOOO many other things with that money. So….. what do u suggest we do?

Should we wait….and get it later? Hold off on everything until we get in a position to be able to do everything with ease. It might take a few years. Which means we couldn’t be together for at least 2-3 more years… but at least when we get the ring…we’ll be happy knowing that we didn’t have to risk not paying something else because of it.

Should we go ahead and get it now? It’s a big investment, but it’s so worth it. I mean that’s what I’m gonna be wearing for the rest of my life…might as well make it what I want. And the bills are gonna be there regardless….if it’s not one thing, it’ll be another.

Should we go ahead now and get another pretty but less expensive ring? I mean, time is of the essence. We both would like to be together way before 2007-2008. So should we just get a nice affordable ring now…and upgrade later when we can afford to?

What would you all suggest?

My Big Day

So my birthday is coming up next Saturday and I’m a little nervous. Unfortunatly for me, birthdays are for some reason NOT my best day. I’ve went out of my way since I turned 18 to make my b-day EXTRA special…but somehow… it always becomes sub par… and for the last 3 years it’s been just downright HORRIBLE.

Wednesday July 30, 2002 – It started off pretty well. I was finally getting over my big break up from my fiance. I didn’t have a job, but I just met some new friends. I had no car…but I was gonna get a ride to the club with my cousin. I had no money…but who needed money when you had a pretty face, a good weave, big toppers, thick thighs, and an outfit that would make a straight girl turn her head. This year had the making of a great birthday. In fact, the actual day was fine until i went to the club. (yes...i was a club head back then)
My cousin and I was dropping it like it was hott and I guess I had an admirer. It was nothing new. I’ve told ya’ll about my club experiences (here). I always get the loonies. Anyway…he was nice. He watched me as he leaned on the bar. When I got enough nerves, I walked up to him and asked him if he liked what he saw. I was on a mission. It was the first birthday in my adult life that I was single and I was determined to live it up. I needed my ego fix. I was uncontrollable. I was on fire!!
I spit a little game to him…got him to buy my cousin about 3 rounds of drinks…and then in true Sway fashion, flashed him a sexy smile while staring in his eyes…and winking before walking away forever. I was through with him. I was tipsy…my cousin was tipsy…in my mind he served his purpose.

Obviously he didn’t think so. I was his now. After a few songs…he found me.

Looney: what are you doing?
Me: uh…dancing.
Looney: u can’t dance with him *jerking my arm*
Me: what the he…
Looney: Listen, dance with me…or your girl… that’s it.*turning me around so he can dance with me*
Me: *staring in disbelief* You are crazy!
Guy I was dancing with (GIWDW): oh my bad patnuh…I ain’t know she was with u
Me: *slurring* I’m not. We can dance. F* him!
Looney: *mean mugging ole dude*
GIWDW: * Oh okay. *pulling me back towards him* Well what the hell he talking bout den? *pointing at and mean mugging Looney*
Looney: *jerking me back*
GIWDW: *jerking me back*

Finally one of them managed to rip my already revealing shirt, exposing my orange push up bra. *smh* I was so embarrassed…I ran to the bathroom and stayed in there for 10 minutes trying to call my cousin who was somewhere in the club. Of course she didn’t hear her phone ring. So left her a message telling her I’d be out by the car, then I ran out of the bathroom, jetted out the club and waited my wanna- be- pimp, orange-bra-wearing, feet- just-hurting, self by her car for about 20 minutes.

Happy birthday to me. *blink, blink*


Thursday July 30, 2003- It started off great. I was happy. I took the day off from work and I had plans to get all dolled up, go shopping & buy me something purrdy for my b-day dinner party with my parents later that day, and then I was going over my boyfriend TD’s house (‘member him? click here or here) to spend the night with him. We worked together, so it was easy to just take one car to work that next Friday morning and then continue my b-day celebration on into Friday night and even Saturday if needed. Before I got out the door to do my shopping, I got a surprise phone call from an EX that I hadn’t seen in a while. He asked to come by…and hey…since it was my b-day…I said sure. (big mistake)
Things got heated between us and some thangs happened that I am NOT PROUD OF. I felt soooo bad because we both had significant others and we both knew about each others sig. O’s. I felt HORRIBLE. I pretty much ruined my own birthday. After my experience with him, I didn’t even wanna go shopping. (But I did) I picked up a flirty little dress..and got ready... hoping that my evening activities would help me forget about the afternoon shindig I had with ole EX.

I was wrong.

As usual.

My parents came home to a fully dressed and ready to go 23 year old. I was rushing them. I was ready to get my day going. I NEEDED to feel better. Unfortunately, they took my haste as my anticipation to get the dinner over with and go on to my next plans. So they decided that it would be best if I just go on with my next set of plans and they would take me out this weekend. That really kinda made me mad, but I said okay, since they seemed to have made up their minds. After all..they just did what they thought I wanted them to do. I figured it would give me and TD more time to play… so I called him. He didn’t answer. I decided to wait a few minutes on him to return my call, while my parents went to eat with out me. 30 minutes later, I’m PISSED. I’m at home, ALONE. In my pretty dress…feeling EVEN GUILTIER about my afternoon. I’m HUNGRY. My parents are out eating on MY friggin birthday and my boyfriend won’t answer his phone!!! I was heated…but more hungry than heated, so i headed to waffle house. It was close…cheap…and the only place that I could sit down and eat with out having to see couples and feel eyes watching me eating alone. He finally calls while I’m in mid meal. He apologizes… he claims he didn’t hear the phone cuz he "fell asleep waiting on my call”. (yeah...sure) So I finish my meal and go over to his house. I’ll admit. I had an AT-TI-TUDE when I got there. A MAJOR 'TUDE. My b-day was almost over and NOTHING went as planned. Guilt made me not even want to be close to him…and my attitude made him not wanna be close to me. We ended up not having that nice romantic night I’d dreamed of for days. Instead, we went to bed mad. Well I was mad… he put on his “I don’t care” face all night and was snoring before I got out of the bathroom and into bed. I couldn’t sleep. I felt HORRIBLE. I had thoroughly screwed up my day…and I needed someone to blame it on. lol. So what did I do?

3:30 AM
Me: *shaking TD* Get up. We need to talk.
Him: No sway…I’m sleep. I suggest you wait til morning
Me: *mad cuz I’m a brat and I couldn’t have my way* No…get up. I have something I wanna say.
Him: *pulling covers over his head* Hell naw. I asked u what was wrong when u got here. u didn’t wanna talk then. It’s yo fault. Now take yo ass to bed.
Me: *screaming* Noooooooooooo. *yanking covers off of him* I gotta tell you what happened today. I need to get this off my chest.

So for the next 30 minutes… I act like a COMPLETE IDIOT by basically arguing with myself cuz he went back to sleep…or pretended to all while I cried and pitched a hissy fit.

Needless to say… we broke up that next morning.

But in true Sway fashion… I got him back. *wink* lol


Anyways…Happy birthday to me. *blink,blink*

July 30, 2004- Well it started off great as usual. I was happy. I had a full time job. I had a nice lil whip (read: car). My pockets were looking good… ESPECIALLY since my birthday fell on a Friday and ya girl got PAID on her big day. I took off the entire week because I like to do it BIG for my birthday. The last two b-days were sucky…and so I was determined to make this one big. I was dating someone. Ya’ll remember Mr. Anthony. Mr. ETHEREAL himself. We was still kickin it… even after I vowed to never let him in my life again. (mistake)… He was on his best behavior and all was well in the U.S. of Sway.
A week before my b-day vacation, I made preparations for Anthony and I to go to Myrtle Beach. I was excited. A week at the beach with my baby! Just us…doing what we do. Oh…I was excited. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. *smh* He told me that his mom called him from Arkansas (that’s where he was from) and told him that his grandfather had a few brain tumors..and that he needed to come home ASAP since they had no idea how long Grandpa would be around. Well…. Of course after hearing this, I didn’t wanna go to myrtle beach. I cancelled our plans…and told him to hightail his butt to Arkansas. He left Friday before my b-day and got back Monday. Well…I had still taken off from work…and he was back by Tuesday…so he suggested that we just make the best of it and spend the week together here in the ATL. I agreed. After all, I had nothing else to do really. Thursday came and the week had been great so far. He asked me to spend the night with him Thursday night so that he could be the first to see me and wish me happy b-day in the morning. (awwww…how sweet..huh? smacking my teeth and mumbling "liar") I had HAVE a STRICT rule about spending the night over people’s houses. It’s just not something I do unless we’re a couple and have been together for a second. Spending the night is... very intimate. It’s very…suggestive. It’s very… couplish…loveish… etc. Soooooo….if I do it…I have to REALLY be feeling you. So when he asked me… I’m sure you know what I said….

YES. *smh* It was the first time since my last birthday. And what better way to usher in my special day than to “consummate” my special relationship with this special person?
So it’s Thursday night, my birthday is less than an hour away. My overnight bag was in the corner of his bedroom and we were getting ready to go party like nobody’s business. I had already informed him that Friday night (my b-day night) my friends had already planned something special for me and I was spending the night at a hotel with them. So today was really OUR celebration of my b-day. In the midst of our laughter… we heard a knock on his front door. Huh? I looked at the clock. Who could that be? We looked at each other. Judging from his facial expression, he didn’t look like he had a clue either. He heads down the stairs and I follow in silence. My stomach started doing flips…I wasn’t sure why. I found out moments later.

Turns out that his girlfriend TAYLOR came to visit him from Tennessee a day early. YES this neegro planned to screw his other girlfriend on MY friggin birthday. YES I SAID TAYLOR. YES the one I wrote about last year. Yes the one that told me she was gonna leave him alone. The one I said would probably be dumb enough to stay with him while I move on… (ha. Guess we were both pretty dumb) Yeah…well turns out… neither of us moved on. We were both STILL dating him. She showed up at the door on some “surprise boo!” tip. His behind sure was surprised. He couldn’t get outta this like he did last time. Telling me one thing and her another. Having us both believe that the other one was just a friend. Turning our words around to make a believable lie. This time, she was there… and so was i. And neither of us was going anywhere. In true pimp fashion… ANTHONY lit a doggone black and mild and let Taylor and I talk while he chilled like this was some normal ish happening and he just didn't get caught…

Me and Taylor both on some... "I thought u said you was gonna leave him alone? Um.. I thought YOU said YOU was gonna leave him alone…" bull! lol

He pretty much denied that he was messing with either of us in both our faces. lol. It pissed me off so bad I hit him. Then I got my ish told her she can have his broke down *bleepity bleep* and proceeded to drive home… ON MY BIRTHDAY. I guess he explained to her that he wasn't my man, and she believed him cuz they ended up going out and partying. I know cuz she called me to wish me a happy birthday later on that day. Wasn't that nice? (smacking teeth)


Happy birthday to me.


I wonder what this year will hold?

Been around the world and back...

What a weekend! *whew*

I mean, from sleepovers, to jail, to church, to shopping sprees, to junkyards, to candle lit bedrooms...this weekend was CRAZY! I can't even begin to tell you about it. I'm still trying to grasp it all as i sit here this crazy monday afternoon. I look like crap too. lol. Nothing this weekend went the way it was supposed to... and i'm really glad. It all started with an emergency phone call on thursday evening. That phone call had a sista shook. I was glad to hear this voice...but VERY concerned about what this voice was saying to me. It had the beginnings of being the weekend from HELL...but it all kinda turned around and easily became the best weekend i've had all year!

Anywho.... that's all i can say about it. Well...that's all i WANNA say about it. It's too much to discuss. I'll be around later. Gone.

Are ya'll hiring?

I’m still confused at how today is Monday when yesterday HAD to be Friday. I KNOW we didn’t have a weekend? C’mon. For real…. *yawn* It can’t be Monday. And then a dark stormy Monday at that. Man wouldn’t this be a great sleep-in day? *kickin rocks* I should’ve stayed home. Apparently I didn’t get the memo cuz about 70% of my department called my GOTTA-MAKE-IT-TO-WORK-THROUGH-TREE-BRANCHES-ACCIDENTS-AND-POWER-OUTAGES behind and told me that they were gonna take a personal day. *smacking my teeth* I just HAD to come to work huh? *yawn* I guess it’s okay. No ones really here…so I don’t have to pretend like I’m working really hard today. And so it’s kinda LIKE a personal day. Besides… my power’s off at home anyways… I hate taking a whole personal day and then waking up around 11 and having NOTHING to do and being mad cuz I should’ve saved that day and went to work. So it’s all good. Being in a dark, hot house with nothing to do and nowhere to go isn’t really all that fun once you’ve ate and slept. So I guess it’s okay that I’m at work. I can surf the net for some furniture and stuff.

Didn’t I tell ya’ll I was moving? What? Stop rolling your eyes, I AM. I know I’ve been saying that for 2 years but still… I’m moving. lol

Naw…this time I really am for real. I’ve already told my mom. I knew that would be the hardest part. Telling her I’m moving and not feeling guilty after she gives me that sad, hurt look is definitely a good sign that the worst part is over. *sigh* Now… next mission is to get a part-time evening job and take a tour of the townhomes I’ve been reading up on and looking at online. *sigh* I’m actually kinda dreading this part more than the telling my mom part. I’ve been filling out applications…but honestly… I haven’t really been getting too many responses. :( My friend said it was cuz my resume makes me look over qualified.
*blink, blink*

Boooooooooooooooo!

As many jobs as I’ve had, I’ve never really had a retail gig. None of the stuff on my resume is relevant to working at a place like home depot…or Rich’s. lol I’ve never had a job like that. My first lil high school job was at a dentist office. *sigh* It’s crazy to have to un-decorate your resume. lol Man, bump all that overqualified garb. Just ask me if I’m content saying paper or plastic…and if I am…gimme the job. Retail turnaround rates are ridiculous anyways…so gimme a chance and lemme make a few dollars…if I quit, you got a bazillion folks waiting to be then next ex-macy’s employee! Geez!


Oh well… *sigh* I guess it’ll all work out. *yawn*

But err uh... if any of ya'll happen to be hiring for an evening gig...holla atcha girl! lol

I’m hungry. *off to find some food*

Karma is a *Bleep*

U ever loved someone soooo much that the thought of losing them drove you completely insane? I know I have… Actually on a few occasions. There have been many occasions where I was completely gaga over a guy and his behind really wasn’t ‘stuttin me. I mean, we was dating…but he just treated me like I was nothing… Or i just THOUGHT we were dating and then i came to find out...he just thought of us as friends. Ugh... that was the WORST! And then he’d move on to someone else and I’ll find out that he treats her like a queen. Oooh that used to make my blood boil. It also gave my ego a pretty big blow. But you know what? Not ONCE did I ever seriously consider doing him or his property any harm. I just always figured that what goes around comes around.

Well after TG finished sharing what happened to him this week, I realized how happy I was that I never did anything ugly to anyone.

Last week sometime
TG’s cell rings

TG: hello
Girl: hey, what’s up this is “Girl”… how are you?
TG: hey what’s up, how u doing. I’m good, I’m good. It’s been a while girl, what u up to.
Girl: Nothing. *giggle* (insert conversation about whatever)
TG: U still in florida?
Girl: yeah…but I’m thinking about moving to Atlanta.
TG: Oh yeah? That’s cool. It's cool up here. U gone stay with yo cousin?
Girl: Uh-Uh. I was thinking we could move in together. I’ve been missing you. It’s been so long since I’ve seen my baby.
TG: uh… YOU'RE baby? *laughing* Girl you are a trip. *thinking she was playing...*
Girl: why am i a trip?
TG: *realizing she was for real* Well, you know I got a girl now right?
Girl: huh?
TG: yeah, ‘member I told you about her?
Girl: yeah, but I didn’t know ya’ll were still kickin it. Ya'll serious?! *smacking teeth* I thought we were together?
TG: UH-UH! We good friends, but for real, I’m with somebody now.
Girl: hmph. Well…you can still see me. I’m coming up for the 4th. Lemme come through and holla at cha. We can get together for the weekend.
TG: Girl, didn’t I just tell you I got a girlfriend? All my free time ‘s gonna be spent with her. Besides, we’ll be out town anyway. U welcomed to come see ya cousin…but um, I doubt you’ll see me this weekend.
Girl: *mad* We’ll see.

TG didn’t mention too much about this convo to me. He just told me the basics the first time around. A girl from his past was trying to hook back up…he told them about me…they got mad… then end. Uh…I was used to that just as he was used to me saying the same thing. Both of us have our share of past people trying to resurface since we've been together. We're both real open and honest about all of them. I think he got me beat though. I got rid of most of my male friends during my detox program. But TG...man, women seem to just flock to him. He’s got a cool style… and i've seen with my own eyes how women just seem to flirt with him and are drawn to him, so this whole exhange didn’t phase me one bit. I said oh…like I usually do…and we proceeded to enjoy each other’s company as usual.

We were together all day Sunday. He came to church with me, he treated me to dinner, and then went back to his place. It was a relaxing day. Nothing out of the ordinary…until he mumbled that this stupid girl kept calling him all day. I was wondering why he kept looking at his phone, shaking his head and sending it to voicemail throughout service. Anywho… she stopped after a while…and we all thought everything was back to normal.

We got back from Myrtle Beach Monday night/Tuesday morning around 2am. He was in the bed by 2:30am. Everything seemed peachy keen. Our weekend was great…and we were back in tha "A" safe and sound. He leaves for work around 6 every morning. So he got dressed…still sleepy I’m sure…and proceeded to go outside and go to work. He said his car looked a little strange when he first walked out the house… like it was glistening or something. It was still fairly dark at 6, so he figured it was the streetlight or something. The closer he got to his car, the more he was able to see…until he just stopped dead in his tracks.

How about… this man’s car was egged and floured. I’m not talking about a few eggs either… I mean, any where from a dozen to two doezen eggs. ALL OVER…and his entire car was doused in FLOUR. Do you know that if that ish would have dried and baked in the sun… he would have had to get a whole new paint job? And then to top it all off… 2 of his brand spankin new tires were slashed and flattened. TG was HOT! At first, he was like… what in the hell….who in the hell… Why in the HELL…

He called the police…and after that he realized that he had a message on his phone.

Tuesday
6:30 am.

VoiceMail (VM): …to listen to your messages, press 1
TG: *pressing 1*
VM: …uh…hi TG, this is “Girl’s mom”… *sniff, sniff* I hate to have to call you with this, but my daughter was in an accident and the police said that she got in an accident on your street. I don’t know what is going on, but I thought that you should know. She told me she was going to see you, but I advised her against it since the word down in columbus is that you're practically married...but you know "Girl", she wouldn't listen. She and her friend are at the hospital and they are both okay, but my "Girl" is bleeding internally and she's having severe chest pains...and her friend had to get stitches in her face. If you need to get in touch with me, I can be reached at XXX-XXXX. *click*


So come to find out after talking to the police, her mom, her dad, his roommate, his neighbor, and her…this is what happened.

Ole girl got into town Saturday morning. She knew she was leaving late Monday night, so she hurried and called TG to see if she could change his mind about seeing her. He didn’t answer. She knew where he lived because it was the same house he’d lived in the first time he moved to Atlanta 7 years ago. So, she decided to just ride by his house. Saw his car there… called again. No answer. Knocked on the door….no answer. *she didn’t know that he wasn’t there cuz we were together* She left MAD. Sunday morning, called again. No answer. Rode by the house AGAIN. *this time TG’s roommate saw her and the friend riding by the house …he knew who she was and thought it was odd, but shrugged it off* ALL day Sunday she’s blowing his phone up cuz she wanted to see him. He ain’t at home…so she figured he was with me. She got REALLY mad. We left for S.C. Sunday night. We left my car AND his at his house cuz we went with his family. We still have no idea if she rode by there Sunday night or not. But Monday night when we got back, all was well. I left. He went to sleep.
3am in the morning, his nosey neighbor *sometimes it pays to have one of those* was still up and saw this grey Galant riding up and down the street. She watched a few times before going in the house. By 3:15, the girl got out the car…egged his car…floured it…slashed his tires…and jumped back in the car her friend was driving. They sped off…and before they could even get off of his street, they collided with a truck and it totaled their rental car. So not only did they get hurt but... they totaled an uninsured rental car, GOT caught, and once they got out of the hospital, the police took her to jail. If TG would have pressed charges…she would have been facing 3 different charges…all of which are felonies.

All cuz some guy didn’t wanna holla at her no mo'. And the sad part for her is that after all of this…. He is STILL with me… and she STILL doesn’t have a chance. So….tell me…
Was it really worth it?

*smh*

God does NOT like ugly.

If you think this post is about you...

you're probably right.

if you still read my blog... you'll know i'm talking about you...



I was sitting here bored at work…and decided to do my normal blog hopping. I ran across a page of a person I once was very close to. He and I were MUCH closer than friends… I know this because of some of the “friendly” things that transpired between us, yet he and I never was “official”…and the only reason I knew this is because he never EVER mentioned me in his blog…although everyone else he mildly dated was there. This kinda hurt me for a while because here I was, chillin with him every week. Talking to him on the phone every other day…we’re kissing, we’re cuddling… I’m laying on his bed…and nothing. Not even a mention.
Okay…I’m getting off track…

I said all of that to say, we were pretty much kicking it hard in real life…and I wondered where it was going. I began developing feelings… I guess he didn’t. The crazy part about it is that when ever I considered moving on, and expressed that in my blog…he would call or IM me and he’d be kinda pissed cuz, “he’s interested in me” and he wanted to make our “friendship” work. But his words never matched his actions. On paper, this guy was great. He seemed to know what he wanted. He seemed to be a nice thoughtful guy. He seemed to be interested and into me. He seemed to enjoy my company. He seemed to sincerely want a nice friendship/relationship… yet… his actions didn’t back that up. AT.ALL.

He’s the kind of guy that would say, I really like you, but he’d never call. He’s the kind of guy that would ask you out, and go out with you, but not really pay you that much attention. He’s the kind of guy that would kiss you goodnight, but not call you for a week after that.
I finally got tired of it. I KNEW that I should be treated better than that…so I made up my mind to really move on. About January this year, we had a conversation after a post I wrote because he was upset that I put him on “blast”. I apologized. It was wrong of me. I didn’t think anyone knew who I was talking about…but hey…he felt violated…so in that respect I was wrong. He said we could be friends… we were gonna start over as friends. The old was squashed. I said good. But deep inside I knew that if I never called him again, he’d make no effort to call me. I knew this because this same type of convo had taken place over and over again. He’d say, were friends…then I didn’t hear from him until he was pretty sure I’d moved on. I knew he wouldn’t be a true friend. It’s sad. I knew that January day would be the last time he phoned my dial.

I was right.

He never calls… even now.

He’s definitely not the person I once thought he was. When I call someone a friend, I mean it. I’ve called him a few times since then because when I call you a friend, I sincerely mean that. We need to talk…we need to hang… we’re friends right? But when I call, …he’s sooooo busy. He says he appreciates my call but he’ll have to call me back. *eye roll*

I’m still waiting for that call.

He never calls back. That irks me. He acts like I’m pestering him. I’m bothering him. I wanna get with him. *pshhh* Puh-lease child. I’m just trying to be a friend. But I’m at the point where if he doesn’t wanna be my friend, then forget him. I don’t NEED his friendship. I just thought it would be nice to be friends. I mean after all….you SAID that’s what you wanted. I hate when people say one thing and mean another. If you didn’t wanna talk to me ever again…then be an adult, free yourself…say that ish! I PROMISE I would have deleted your # before you could have finished your sentence. But the whole…"yeah sway, I enjoy your company, I WANT to be your friend”…thing sounded so sincere. People just lie for no reason….


Anywho…. I stumbled upon his blog today because I like to see what is going on with him from time to time…and something he said in one of his posts just irritated the STUFFIN outta me.

I’ve tried to refrain from talking about him because everytime I do, I get upset. I hate to see people who deceive others by saying stuff like… no one likes me, I have no friends…yada yada…making folks feel sorry for them, when THEY are the ones not liking people…and being hard to befriend. I’ve been nothing but nice to him. I call him to see how he is because I sincerely care about him, give him encouraging words… and before TG and I were dating, I really did want to keep the lines of communication between this blog guy and I open. Not for dating purposes, but because I was trying to be a friend. So when I started reading through his posts and stumbled on these words…my blood started boiling. I wasn’t gonna write about it…but I couldn’t let it pass.

He claims that there are no good women around. I almost flipped! I almost fell outta my seat. What? Are you for real? No good women? Neeegro what am i?

Dear YOU:
When you needed to vent.. I was there.
When you needed encouragement… I was there
When you were acting shady….I was still there.
When you were kissing and holding me on Friday and writing in your blog about everybody BUT me on Saturday… I was still there.
When you said you wanted a friend… I was there.
When you wanted someone to accompany you on your b-day… I was there.
When you pretty much stopped talking to me for NO REASON… I was still FRIGGIN there.

How about this… if you want a good woman… be a good man. Try that on for size. Why would God give you a good woman to be with, when you don’t know how to treat the good ones that you’re just supposed to be friends with. Ugh! It’s not that there are no good women. It’s just that the RIGHT one for you haven’t come along yet. And yes, I know how lonely and bad that feels… but don’t be so quick to say that there aren’t any good woman just because YOU aren’t interested in the good ones you know. That’s so unattractive. Especially when I know how good of a woman I am…and you GOTTA know it too. Even if I’m not the one… you can’t deny that I’m still a good woman. And I’m sure some of the other women you’ve dealt with that didn’t make the blog were good women too. It seems the blogworthy ones you’re attracted to are the ones that dog you out! Which is sad, but it paints a picture to your readers that you just have the worst luck in women… which is not true. You know good women… you just weren’t into them. It irks me to know that some women out there reading your blog is really feeling sorry for you ..and wanting to be that “good woman” to you…as I did so many many months ago… only to find out that… you’re not always as nice and friendly, and sincere as you seem on your blog.


*whew* I feel much better... now back to Perfect Chaos as we know it.

So what u do last night?? *yawn*

I'm usually crunk on thursdays. *yawn* Today... i'm just chillin. I'm still happy. I mean really.... how can you be mad on the day before a wonderful friday that just happens to be payday, date night with your significant other, and the night you can sleep in until you feel like it? Exactly.

But i'm just um exhausted. Man, I met with this new group last night to see if i would be interested in singing with them and i didn't leave them until midnight. The talent these 3 singers had was off-da-chain! Like...for real. And as a singer, i don't say that about many people. But this one girl was RAW. I'm talking ...i ain't neva heard a voice like hers. FLAWLESS. Beyonce ain't have NOTHING on this girl. So of course I was like...heck yeah i'll join. Well honestly, I didn't have a choice. lol I was told that i can come "check them out"...which to me means, listen to them, ask questions, shoot the breeze, then decide what was up.
NUNNA that went down. As soon as i step foot in the door, i was greeted by a "hey girl"...a hug..and a mic pushed into my hand. 15 minutes later, I had "learned" about 4 of their songs. I guess they liked me. Everything was great. We sound AMAZING. I'm saying... the 2 girls had some voices on them. "Beyonce" sounded better than the real one. I can't describe her voice... it was so great. Runs like Beyonce and Kim Burrell, power like Whitney (b4 bobby, whitney not "crack is wack" whitney) and Mariah (again, black dress dark hair mariah, not blonde hair, string bikini mariah) clarity like India Arie and softness like Denise Williams. Girl was BAD. I mean she had it all. *end of jock mode* The other girl wasn't as Flawless...but she was bad. She had a Lauren Hill meet Macy Gray thing going on. lol. It was interesting, but i liked it. And ole dude...he sound like um...pretty much like the rest of the r&b male artist. Alluvem. lol So the mix was hott...

And then it happened.

DRAMA.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!!!!!!

I HATE drama. Ole "Beyonce" decided she wanted to get into it with the songwriter/group starter/keyboard player although we had another one/ guy. So they over there getting mad at each other and fussing and fighting... all while in 10 minutes we're supposed to be meeting the producers at "Stankonia", Big Boi's studio....and my behind is new to the group... I'own know the songs!! Stop all ya'll fighting and help me with my doggone NOTE please!!! We're a gospel group. Granted the sound of the music is very neo-soul-ish and jazzy...which is right up my ally. So I was definitely feeling the songs...but c'mon ya'll...are ya'll really LISTENING to the words we're supposed to be singing. How are you gonna be singing "Bow before the King" and then while someone else is singing their part, you up in somebody's face pretty much cursing them out? Huh? I was confused. Is this not a ministry? Is this not God we're talking about? geez.

So i was turned off with that. Aaanywho...we went to tha studio...and honestly... i was like... this is it? this is the studio? Big boi's studio? Hmmm....

Picture it.... Small brick building, one of those black iron screens in front of the door. Raggedy steps..."ghetto grass"...(u know the grass is different in the ghetto) and about 8 dudes outside the joint eating chicken and fries, with some beer in hand. Inside it was 3 guys and a girl, the entire place smelled like "herbs". They all was chinky eyed and eating nachos, tacos, and anything they could get their hands on. And the girl looked like she was a strokers scrippa. She all up on the producer, telling him she ready to go...and he looking irritated that he can't just up and leave cuz he gotta hear us... and there's us... 11 at night... trying to let the producers hear our gospel song. *blink, blink*

There's no need to tell you how it went. They weren't trying to hear gospel...although we sounded WAAAANDAFUL. They gave us props and asked us how far left we were willing to venture cuz they could definitly get us in the studio and out in the business if we considered making it even more contemporary. He gave us a whole spill on whats "marketable" and how we can "all win" if we just compromise this and that...and yada yada...

I had already grabbed my purse by the time he asked how far left we were willing to venture. I pretty much tuned out the rest of his speech. If i wanted to sing R&B, I'd be at LaFace as we speak. I wanna sing GOSPEL. Don't gimme that compromise junk. *Sigh*

So... by the time we got out of that meeting... I was tired. Tired of "Beyonce" and her irritating nagging... tired of being around all that smoke and negative spirits, and tired cuz it's midnight and I had to come to work today. So........

I called TG while driving home. Told him about my night. And then had the nerve to stay on the phone an hour after I got home. *yawn*

But nevertheless... I'm good. I can't wait to get some sleep though. I've already taken 2 - 15 minute power naps in the bathroom and it's just 10:50am. *yawn*

Guess I won't be joining that group unless some thangs change...

The cat sure doesn't have my tongue...

warning: this post is extremely long. i didn't mean it to be... it just is. sorry!


I’ve only been at work for one hour and I’m already ready to head home. I did enough work last week to take today AND tomorrow off. Unfortunately, my employer probably doesn’t think so…which is why I’m here. Yawning and wishing that I was a coffee drinker. Right now would be a great time to get a cup of caffeine and sugared-down coffee. *sigh* Well… I only have what….14 more hours before bedtime.

You KNOW it’s bad when on Sunday night you’re already wishing it was Friday night so that you can sleep late on Saturday morning since that’s the next time you’ll be able to get some rest.

I know, I know, I'm always tiiiiiiide. But this time it's different. I'm physically full. Emotionally full. Financially full. And so spiritually full that i really do feel drained in all aspects of the word. I need time to recover. This past weekend was amazing. I know my last post was kinda heavy. Last week was R.O.U.G.H.! Real rough. By Wednesday, I pretty much told TG to go on back to Columbus and try to make it work with his ex. To me that seemed like the easiest solution to all of our problems collectively although i knew neither of us would be happy relationship wise. And by Wednesday, he was about ready to go on back to Columbus… to be closer to the boy…(although he was thoroughly pissed @ me for suggesting he get back with his ex..lol)

But we realized that we were being attacked because we were on to something good...so we pushed through it, prayed and fasted together on Thursday and it seems like as soon as we did, everything started falling in place. Since Thursday, we’ve been on the phone all night talking about all of the blessings God has just placed in our lives. Everyday, it’s something new. Everyday God opened more doors. TG had no idea Friday on his way to work, that he would be hired on the spot by a company that he worked closely with on his old job and that this company would start him off with a significantly higher salary. So he has a new job. He’s a musician and he just got offered a position to play at an 8am service by a church close to his house, which is more money... AND he just met up with a producer who is offering him about $300-$450 per Saturday to play for his group. And this producer is hot right now. He has 2 songs that are on the charts as we speak. It just seems that the doors are being opened. I’ve also got an offer to sing in another group…I told them I’ll check them out Wednesday. If everything goes well…I’ll be singing with them too.

Not only did a financial blessing come through, but God did some major things with us as a couple as well. The hardship experience brought us closer together already… but God is setting up something major… it’s awe-some. I can't tell you details because it's so much...and so personal...but i'll just hit the surface.

My best friend got married this weekend. The wedding was sooooo beautiful. It was one of those fairy tale, mushy, lovey dovey weddings where almost everyone cried and it truly felt like this was a match made in heaven. I’ve been wanting to ask TG to come since he and I first got together, but it was on a Saturday, and usually on the weekends he goes to Columbus to get his son, AND/OR he’s at our practices/programs. So I just knew that he’d probably not be able to make it. Yet after the week we had, we just needed to be together Saturday. He said he wouldn’t have missed seeing me in my lil maid of honor dress for the world. I was glad he came…and so was my friends. lol It’s funny because as many guys as I have dated, and as many times I’ve brought guy friends to church, no one has ever received the kind of attention TG did. lol

Everybody just HAD to know who he was. Were we dating? How long? etc… We almost upstaged the actual bride and groom. Everyone just couldn’t get over how well we “fit”. The craziest thing is how about 80% of the people at my best friend’s wedding were telling US that we were next. Haha. Um… yeah. You have couples there that have been together for 3-4-5 years…. we only been dating for a few months. Why us? I mean, even the people who WANTED to get married was telling us that they thing we'll beat them to the altar. Everyone just say that they could see the genuine love we had for each other. They could see that we belonged together. We fit.

It’s a good feeling when others see what you already know. Then you know it’s not just you. It’s really real. People can see the love you share. Even with out you saying anything. That's beautiful. Everyone around us can tell that we were made for each other. It was exciting to see…to hear…to get feedback on. Even my parents like him. *still in shock* Well they didn’t come out and say, “hey, I like him”… but you gotta know my parents. Bringing a guy to their attention and they don’t talk trash about him or frown… then hey, they like him. lol And they know about him being divorce and with child. My parents would NEVER go for that under normal circumstances. Heck I would never go for that under normal circumstances. But what God has ordained…well…how you can argue with that?

It was beyond words… not only was Saturday confirmation within us, but Sunday was too.

He came to my church service on Sunday. My baby was fly as all get out. He had on this royal blue suit...matching from head to toe. That doggone suit fit him to the T! *whew* He was wearing that suit. *reminiscing* But yeah, lemme focus…*focus sway, focus* He got to church before I did. My church isn’t HUGE, but it’s a nice size. It's big enought that I could have went to church, looked for him, and not saw him. But when I pulled up, I went to park and parked right beside him *coincidence? Me thinks not. lol* I was like…yay! He showed up!!

So I go in, looking for him from the back and I don’t see him. I finally give up and start walking down the middle right aisle, when all of a sudden I see this fine brutha with a royal blue suit on. I couldn’t get to him because 1. Praise Service had just started and 2. He was sitting in the middle of his row. So I just went to the front row where my family and I always sit and got my praise on until welcome and encouragement time. That’s when I was able to get to him and sit with him. He happened to be sitting with the Porters. The Porters sing in the group that we are all in. In fact, they are the reason I even knew about the group and got in it. They’ve been married for a while, and have somehow taken a liking to both of us… even before TG and I got together, they used to call me their little sister, and him their little brother. Now that we’re together, they are even more elated.

Anywho… we’re at church together, everyone looking at us and a few nosey people had to know.. “girl...is that you?” lol.

After all the looks and behind the back “thumbs up signs” and blah….The Word went forth and it was RIGHT on time for us. He NEEDED that word…and I did too. He enjoyed church and said he’d definitely be back. After church, the Porters casually asked us what we were getting ready to do. Neither of us really had any plans, so they invited us to dinner. We had no idea that this was a set up.

I think this was the final draw. I’ve talked a lot about the Porters in my blog although I’ve never mentioned them by name. These two people are POWERFUL prophets. I mean, the things that they say to me are always on point. I mean, they just feel me at all the right times. When I’m praying about something, God lays it on their heart to call me and He uses them to say that very thing I needed to hear. So I should have known that us going to dinner with them after the weekend we already had was just a set up.

As soon as we got good into our dinner, Mrs. Porter asks… “So… what is it that ya’ll are praying about?”

I was so shocked by her blatant question that I choked on the steak I was eating. To others it may have seemed like a general question, but TG and I both knew what she meant. And even worse, she KNEW we knew what she meant. TG punked out and told her that we’d prolly say the exact same thing so he’ll let me answer… (ugh men. lol) So I chose my words carefully because although we’ve been getting confirmations since we met, and this weekend was just pretty much one big “Yes, ya’ll should gone and be together” nod. I still didn’t wanna have everybody knowing EXACTLY what we were thinking. So I think I stumbled out something like this,
“well, we’re praying that God order our footsteps…and um, well… TG and I are on one accord. We’re on the same page…we both know what’s going on…soo…..yeah. We’re just …yeah...taking it one step at a time. But we both know.”

lol. Apparently that was good enough for her because they then began to talk to us for about 2 hours IN THE RESTAURANT about what God is showing them about us and how they saw our whole future and how God put us together and etc. They also talked about how they got together and just the whole 9. I don’t wanna say all that was said in the convo but when I tell you that once TG and I left the restaurant, there was NO DOUBT that we are gonna get married please believe me. All the doubt and heartache and confusion we had just last week was washed away instantly. We know there may still be hard times, but that doubt of “well…is this really you God. Is she really… Is he really…” all of that is gone.

We were so full…all we could do the entire ride home was hold hands and tell each other we love each other. Nothing else could be said.

I really don’t know how I got to talking about TG and I. My intentions at first was to talk about my girl’s wedding. I guess I’ll do that later. lol
But… I dunno. Keep us in your prayers…that God direct our path and make it plain to us. And keep us focused so we don’t lose sight of what we know is right…and real.

Aight. I’m tiiiide. I’m out!

U know what...

Love doesn’t pay the bills….

If I haven’t heard this from every woman I know over 35...!!!! I HATED this saying. I never understood why love didn’t conquer all like it did in the fairy tales. I mean, death (sleeping beauty), ugliness (beauty and the beast), poverty (Cinderella) .... NUNNA that mattered cuz they luuuuuuuuuved each other. *sighing dreamily*

Now that I’m older….i understand that saying. Just cuz u love somebody don’t mean that errythang is gonna be gravy. In fact they should’ve added a few more sentences to that saying… Love doesn’t guarantee that ya’ll gonna be together… and Love doesn’t mean problem-free.

Shoot….love doesn’t do and mean a lot of things. Yet we base our entire life off of it. Ain't that crazy? Love is crazy. No wonder they say we’re “falling in love”… lol Falling... when has falling EVER been a good thing? Love causes us to act a darn fool. Lose sight of rationale. Go contrary to our own crazy mind. Make mistakes we NEVER would have imagined. Love is some powerful ish. And I find my self being its slave. Giving in to its every command. Not being able to do anything about it.

Sometimes that’s a scary feeling. To KNOW better and watch yourself do something crazy. Such things just shouldn’t be… yet here I am. Crazy enough to fall for someone with just as much baggage as I have. lol

Sometimes I feel foolish. Sometimes I feel like I might regret taking this journey. But I can’t get off yet. I can’t stop now. I’m a slave. Even worse, I'm a freed slave. I can go... but won't. See, so much has transpired between TG and I since we got together. He was honest from jump. I knew what I was getting into. He has A LOT of baggage. And I thought I was woman enough to handle it. I thought our love would conquer it all. I figured that because our love and future looked so bright… that our present situations would just fall in line. Yeah… I believed the fairy tale. I believed that love was some super magical fairy dust that would somehow place us on the right road. But as the old folks say. Love don’t pay the bills… and love SURE doesn’t mean that everyday is a "good day".

We both struggling. I mean for real. Dang… my finances looking mighty thin…and with blow to ego in tact…HE can’t help me cuz his finances looking mighty thin too. He’s working… I’m working… but…dang… we got just enough to eat at applebee’s or something like that, buy a few DVD’s and have gas money to drive back and forth to see each other. lol. (Kidding...kinda. ) He’s frustrated cuz he can’t help me out. I’m frusturated cuz he can’t help me out. (tell the truth, shame the debbil. ha) And it is taking a toll on our relationship. He wanna move… I wanna move. And as much as I’d LOOOOOOOOVE to share a space with him and save money , I don’t believe in shackin’. Well… actually I do…but I know I’d feel convicted like a mug if I ever really did it. So we’re trying to move close to each other. *sigh* Everything seems hard right now. We’re still cool… there’s no riff in our relationship or anything... we still do our walks in the park and fairy tale candlelight dates, but um …outside circumstances that are making the love we share seem less…. important. Who cares about forehead kisses and cuddling when your water finna (yeah I’m country) get cut off? Who cares if a neegro calls and says “I was thinking ‘bout you”…when you need to pay “the woman” aka.. Sallie Mae like… ASAP. Love ain’t paying my bills. And it shole ain’t payin his!!

Life is interesting. Last year… a girl was PAID. I mean, fo' real, for real. I had a stash. Investments, Savings, Stock...errythang. My account was looking SEXY! And all i was doing was looking for someone to spend it on and with. A year later I got someone and my finances are lookin nastier than lil john’s mouth. *shuttering*

I’m kinda glad we’re facing a lot of our obstacles now. It lets me know what I’m in for should I choose to stay…and likewise it lets him know too. It helps us to learn about each other and the way we live our lives… I’m learning so much about myself…and him. I like it. Of course I’d MUCH rather have a heavy wallet. But hey, life is life. Roll with it.

Not only are the finances looking rugged. But this whole issue with his ex is driving me crazy. I now feel what Brutha was talking about in one of his posts on “THE EX”. His EX is getting on my *insert insurmountable amouts of curse words here* nerves! U.G.H!!! *gritting teeth* She always calling…always texting him….always talking about she and the boy miss him. Okay…it’s been 3 years. He moved to Atlanta to get away from you….he makes you take baby boy to his folks house and then he goes down and pick him up there just to avoid you….word of advice…get over it!! And now that she knows he’s with me…she’s been stepping up her game. I’m not really the jealous type but dang… a lady can only take so much before she straight snap on somebody. Ole girl need to slow her role. *sigh* I hate drama. Aaaaanywho…. It’s all good. Love is strong…but reality is stronger…

This relationship is …thick. It’s...full. Real life shole don't read like Walt Disney's books. But I ain’t giving up cuz thangs are hard…but um… I'm just pissed that "reality" didn’t let me float on cloud 9 too long before it hit. That ain’t cool. lol. And then… a few folks that I happen to let in on a few of my situations with TG say something like… guuuurl, you deserve better than that. Huh? So cuz i told you one bad thang...you know errythang that's going on huh? You can assess the situation by knowing one story huh? And better than what anyways? What does "i deserve better than that" even mean? What’s better? I mean… really…tell me, what do I deserve? I’ve always figured I’d be straight if I found a guy that truly loves me and who has my back in all aspects of the word…who can keep his focus on God first, then me…who can stimulate ever facet of my being… who can get down when it comes to the get down.. who I can trust, talk to, and depend on, and who’s willing to give me 100% of himself. TG is that guy… so…what’s the problem? *blink, blink* Sometimes I think we lose focus. We concentrate on the “WHATS” of people…i.e. he’s older, he’s been married, he’s a parent, he’s yada yada yada... and not the WHO.
Who he is is SOOO much more than those facts. Why doesn’t that matter? *shrug* Dah well... i really don't care about all that. I'm just trying to get myself straight. Wish me luck!

…but it sure helps to have someone to snuggle up against when your lights are off.

Venting - (i'd skip this one if i were you)

I’m not quite sure where to begin this beautiful hot Friday. Life is interesting right now. So much good…so much bad. So much joy, so much pain. I find life amusing… I mean, how come when it rains, it pours, but never have I had EVERYTHING to line up perfectly when things are going well. It’s like… if one or two of the aspects of my life is going well, then the 3rd one isn’t. And when the 3rd one finally does get better, then the first or 2nd one just gets worse. It’s amazing. I guess I just gotta ride it out. There will be problems. I just gotta make the best of it.

Fortunately for me, the thing which I’ve craved for the last 3 years has finally found me. Because of love, I feel as though I can overcome and conquer the other “not-so-good” areas in my life. Life is………life.


So my mom has just completed her first week of work and I’m sooooooo very proud of her. *clapping* I’ve been extra nice to her. Texting her mid-day to tell her that I love her and I hope her day is going well… making sure I clean up the way SHE likes it….and spending more of my evenings talking to her instead of coming in, going to my space and sealing myself from her and the world. I figured it would make her transition a little easier. NOW that we’ve took a step in the right direction, I gotta figure out a few more things… like… how to get my doggone credit back straight. Her not working hit me big time. A sista gotta duck and dodge the phone nowadays from all the nasty calls about these accruing bills I have neglected. Dang I gotta lot of debt. *smh* I wish I could go redo my college years. I’d stand up to moms more. Yeah… moms is the reason I’m haveing about 95% of my financial problems today. She’s never been good with money, and to “make up for it”, she decided she was gonna “help” me not make the same mistakes she did. In other words… she was gonna get her second chance to make it right for herself. However, all she succeeded in doing was messing mine up just as much as her own. Making me her puppet...charging her tires to my sears card...tricking me into thinking that she was gonna put all her family's christmas gifts on my riches, zales, lerners cards and that SHE'D pay it KNOWING i didn't have no real jobs in college. Yeah she paid it alright. *smirk* I hate that I listened to her. I hate that I didn't just say NO mom, NO! I’m too young to be struggling. I wish I would have just stood up to her and told her to leave my ish alone. Let me do me. But… at that time, I was solely dependant on them for food, shelter, and money. So… I kinda “gave her my birthright for a cup of soup”. Now I wish I hadn’t. But you live and you learn. I know now that when moms says something about helping me…and it has to do with money… just run the other way. FULL.SPEED. lol. She meant well but daaaang. *smh*

*sigh* Sooooooooo now… I’m starting over. And it’s really hard. Because for the last few years, I was progressing nicely. Taking care of bills…paying stuff off… saving… I mean.. .ya girl was doing it WAY big. But um… well …after her work hiatus… things just….. dropped…..stopped….. depleted….dwindled….reversed…. etc. My need to do what was best for the family actually really hurt what was best for ME. So now...i'm delayed in my "house buying" project. My credit is too bad for all that now. So *sigh* here i am. Sway.... a statistic.

And to top it all off... I wanna move out. MORE than ever before. I gotta go. I.GOTSTA.GO. So of course me moving out is gonna put an even bigger burden on me… because of my current fincancial situation. Well... i doubt i'd be paying OUT more because really, I’ve been giving my folks just as much a month as I would if I just got my own spot…and maybe even more…

The burden is that… what if they still need my help with the bills? And also…well…my momma is MAD crazy when it comes to me. I mean she does NOT want me to leave. EVER! Okay…maybe that’s an exaggeration. She wants me to leave when I get married….but not one day sooner. I can’t do it. So she'll be worrying me all the time and I know when i tell her i'm moving, it might put a strain on our relationship for a second. I can see it now.

Me: mom, I'm moving.
Her: Whuuuut? *frowning* Moving? You don't need to move now. It's not a good idea.
Me: Why?
Her: You got all these bills you need to pay. Lemme get on my feet so i can help. Then you can get a few properties so you can have some incoming coming in...THEN if you wanna move... move.
Me: *thinking- you've been saying this ish since i was 18...i'm tired of waiting..and since you done messed up OUR credit, neither one of us can afford to get no doggone properties, so leeeee'me 'lone.* Uh... well you can still help. But i need to move.
Her: Well fine then, *getting an attitude* You grown...do what u want. But i ain't helping. *stompin off and giving me the silent treatment*
Me: *feeling bad*

Yup...that's pretty much how i see it going. Well that's the more tame version anyways. lol. And lets not mention dating. Dating outta her house is crazy. I can't do it anymore. I’ve been wanting OUT of their house since I moved back in. And I’m afraid if I don’t go now… I won’t go. So pray for me. I gotta go. Even though it’s gonna be hard trying to play “catch up” and put some doggone furniture in the house… I gotta do it.

Then there’s TG….and his situation is…….. “special” too. lol. Taking on his set of issues and problems is taking just as much out of me as my own problems. I guess cuz his problems are my problems… and vice versa. I’m not quite sure how things got so serious so fast. I went in slow… I really did. Slow, steady, and sensible… that was my motto. I repeated it on the regular…but somehow… “the forces” pulled me in. *ha- I feel like I’m a star wars extra or something…t-h-e f-o-r-c-e-s…lol*

But it’s crazy…it’s like…we just…clicked… it just…works… it just …is… we just…ARE.

No matter how much I pump the brakes… it’s still hard to stop this explosion of togetherness. I can’t stop his feelings…and I can’t stop mine. And I’m not sure if I wanna. Even though we both have our own set of issues….baggage… whatever… we’ve kinda started tackling them head on. Ain’t no (yes I did just say ain’t no…and? so what?) meeting each others “representative” like so many of us do when we first began dating someone. He and I... well we both were pretty much like… "aight this is me…and this is what I got going on." We’ve already talked about finances, credit, issues with his little one…his ex’s…my ex’s… our living arrangement, hang-ups, our political views, religious views, habits, long and short term goals, family, and etc.
I mean… it’s like… I already know more about him than I knew about 96% of my ex’s. It’s scary…but it’s also very calming. I know up front what I’m getting into…and no it’s not all glitz and glamour, and lovey, dovey moonlight walks after candlelight dinners. Sometimes, it’s some… dang.my.ex.wife.is.effin.up.her.finances.and.her.lights.are.off.though.i.
would.normally.say.oh.well.but.she.has.my.child.so.i.gotta.deal.with.her.
til.i.get.custody. type ish going on. But… hey that’s what I said I’ll deal with when I signed up to be his “one and only”. At least I knew before hand.

And likewise…I got my set of “stuff” that I’ve kinda dumped on him too. I KNOW he’s probably like… daaaaaaaaang… I don’t think I signed up for this. lol. But that’s the way it is. Both of us looking at each other like… “you still here? After all you know?” lol.

It’s all good though. Life is…… life. I can’t complain. I’m glad to be living.
Happy Friday!

Sway-typical Ponderances

My mind is constantly on go.
My face wears the mask of deliberation daily.

Too bad most of my thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with nothing. lol

Yet... i must share... i must... release...

these are just some of the things on my mind today...



Silence is loud.

I never realized how much my quietness affects people. I mean, people really hate that I don’t talk. It plagues their thoughts for hours. It even wakes them up at night. (okay maybe not)
I've recently had this revelation due to the outpour of inquisitiveness expressed by many people I share daily encounters with. I didn't even know people paid me any attention. *shrug* Go figure.

Pat is one of the most annoying people i've ever met. If any one has ever seen MAD TV... she reminds me of Mo Collin's character "Lorraine Swanson". The same jacked up pants... the same gross coughing and annoying voice... the same everything. She gets about one inch from your face and shout. UGH! ANNOYING!!! Yet... she's really sweet. It's just that... her irritation level is at the max when you're around her for more than 2 minutes at a time. Yet I have the pleasure of working with her. Yup me... yours truly....working side by side with her erryday! Well... my dear
co-worker, as concerned as she is... pulled me into her office the other day because according to her. "I wasn't acting right". She asked me what was wrong...and why wasn't i talking. After I told her that i just didn't feel like it. I like being quiet. She went further on to interrogate me about my life because she really wanted to know the "psychological issues" I was facing that blocked my desire to talk. *yes this so-and-so said i had psychological issues because i don't talk* I stiffled a laugh and told her that i was okay... really. *blink* Then proceeded to walk outta her office before she put me into some kind of work therapy class. lol

George…noticed I’ve been quiet lately too. You know George. Everyone has a George in their office. You know...the older janitor type man that flirts with anything that has hair, heels and earrings. (and sometimes the ones that don't.) lol He does NOT discriminate. He's the office "romeo". Going from one office to the next... looking down the hall at someone's behind...while talking to you. lol.. Yeah him... that guy. He always comes on our floor because well...there's a lot of pretty women on the "Fif' flo". But when he came around to me... he sat down in my open office chair and said... "what's wrong, gorgeous? you too pretty to be depressed. You know if you need someone to talk to... i'm here... REALLY... all jokes aside."
Huh? Depressed? So my NON talking makes me depressed? Dang... i learn something new erryday. lol

It’s funny how much attention I get from NOT talking. I used to think that I was always invisible/overlooked because I never talked and got in close with people. I figured if I remained quiet, people would pretty much forget I was around…which is exactly what I wanted. I don’t know how I became so anti-social. It’s a 180 degree change from the Club-Sway back in the day….the friend-sway that my friends cant shut up…or the Church-Sway who everyone knows as the busy body…always on this committee and in that ministry and blah blah. But somehow, I’ve become secluded.. I’ve shut the real me off from the world and hoped that they’d be okay with that. Only they aren’t. People like…..REALLY wanna know what I’m about. The curious nature of humans is very interesting…and predictable. Tell someone they can’t have something and they want it.
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HOW COME THIN MINTS DON’T MAKE YOU THIN? :(

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Your character is remembered….even if nothing else is.

Got a call from someone I met once on a blind date a few years back. He kept my # although we never called each other again. He was pushy and drunk….i wasn’t. He called me cuz he said he remembered that I was really religious and he knew I stayed prayed up. He didn’t remember anything else about me. He lost his mom to lung cancer, last month and just moved back to ATL. Said he needed someone like me close to him. I thought that was really interesting. After all this time...he remembered my character. It spoke volumes about me. Even after the memory of what i look liked...or what i said or did faded away... he remembered my character. That spoke to me.

Lead by example. Albert Einstein once said... "Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means." I believe him. Let your light shine always. You never know who’s looking at that light and being drawn to it even in their darkness. Your light may be the only light someone sees. It may be their only way home. It may be their only saving grace. So make sure you shine bright… and keep it going.

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Freaky Friday
You ever think what life would be like if YOU were your parent’s parents? I mean…we’re all spirits right? We’re all the same…just born in different times…so….what if instead of them being born before you and birthing you….it was reversed?
I thought about this after my mother told me that she admired me. That’s something I don’t take lightly. I wonder how my mother would have turned out if I was her mother? If I instilled in her what she’s ultimately instilled in me…and would I even instill that since if I was HER mother that would mean she wouldn’t have been mine and the way I am NOW might not necessarily be the way I’d be if she wasn’t my mother. Lol Okay did you understand that…? lol. I dunno.. I wonder about that. Sometimes I wish that I was her mother. I wouldn’t have neglected her like her parents did. She’d be a lot different. Better adjusted… at least I like to think so… but… o n the same note. She wouldn’t have raised me the way she did if she wasn’t raised the way she was…
I’m not sure how I feel about that.

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To whom much is given… much is required.

I often think about the rich and famous. Besides those who were born into wealth… y ou listen to most of these stories of the struggles and hardships many stars went through to get where they are today…and it is simply amazing. I mean, a lot of these people went through some CRAZY stuff. Sometimes we find our selves wishing we could be like them…or have their long money… or nice status. But really… do we know the price they had to pay to get there? All we see is the end results of a long hard journey. I think about that journey sometimes. I have this feeling that I’m gonna write a book about my life one of these days. Not that I’m a writer…but Lord knows I’ve been through some KRAZY stuff. I mean yes, we all have been through some thangs… but when I look back on my life… or when I confide in someone I truly and wholeheartedly trust, I find out that my situations have been the farthest thing from NORMAL. Sometimes I wish I can do a real 100 things about Sway list. The things that I would put on there would blow your mind. People look at me and see this spoiled only child…who seems to be well off..and well adjusted. Nice looking…always curteous. And never know anything more than that. So little do they see. So little do they know. The things I’ve seen. The places I’ve been. The situations I’ve overcome. And to be semi-sane… it was NOTHING BUT GOD. lol. I’ve realized that my hardships in life weren’t really for my benefit. It was for God’s glory and so that I can help someone else who may be getting ready to go through the same things. I went through…and was brought out… to tell others… so they can marvel at the things God has done in my life…while also getting hope and encouragement for their own life. That’s one of my purposes. I was given most of my trials…. Because I’m responsible for helping others. My purpose is intervention. I was given that purpose…and it required MUCH hardship. Much turmoil…. And many many many desperate cries. But it made me who I am. It molded me to become what I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. And when I finally do write my book… tell my story. Show the world who I am… it will be a blessing. Because no one would have ever known that to just look at me…that I’ve been where I’ve been. I don’t know about the whole famous bit… but I know that where I’m going… there was no way around the grueling journey.

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Death Wish
Why are oreo’s still on the market. That has GOT to be the most death-inducing food on earth. The “filling” is made from STRAIGHT sugar and lard. LARD folks. That’s it! You eatin sweetened LARD! That’s nasty as heck! The day I found that out….i became a recovering oreo addict. I no longer had the desire to eat it. Although… um… I still struggle with the cookies and cream ice cream…. I sometimes wonder if those are oreo cookies in there…. Hmmmmmmmm. *going to do some research*