A few months back I posed some questions (here) that I’ve been pondering for the last few years of my life… and I got two of them answered last night.
**Flashback**
After TD and I broke up last September due to his move to Texas and our unwillingness to even TRY a long distance relationship…I began to realize how bad we were together. I’ve written a few posts about him over the months so I won’t go back over how crazy in love I was with this guy whom I knew just wasn’t right for me. Around that time I started listening to Syleena J’s Chapter 2 CD. I’m talking about I was really feeling her. That doggone CD stayed in heavy rotation until like the end of December (which is when AM and I had started getting kinda close) But the funny thing about it is that I would only play the CD up to about track # 8. I mean those tracks were just so on point with what I was feeling I kept them on repeat day in and day out.
My two favorite songs were I’m Gon Cry and Is That You. (Check the lyrics out.) Man…those were my ANTHEMS for like 3 months! I mean she took the words right out of my mouth ya know? I’d be in my car just bobbin my head, waving my hand and singing/screaming the words to "Is That You” like some gentlemen callers were right there in front of me. Then in December I met AM and he made me forgot all about Ms. Syleena and her songs. It wasn’t until last week after thinking about Anthony that I decided to dust off my “ole favorite” and get to playing my “I’m Gon Cry” song. I mean when I thought about him… all her lyrics just came right to mind. So for the last week I been jamming to it.
**Flashforward**
Well… somehow yesterday I forgot to put my songs on repeat and I started to wander waaaaaaay past track 8 and before I knew it… I was getting into all her love songs. I can’t remember what I was thinking about but when I came to and realized what I was listening to… I started frowning and in my grumpiest Mr. Grinch voice I was like… “what I 'm listening to this fo? Hmph” So I started to cut it off... when this song came on and caught me something terrible. Then when it went off and I tried to turn it off then another one came on and caught me even more. I mean it got me right there in the middle of my throat where if I even TRIED to breathe too deep or talk I would just burst into sobs. My eyes started to swell up with tears I refused to let fall… I couldn’t believe how incredibly beautiful her songs “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” were. Anybody ever heard them? Man… my mind started wandering around to every guy I’ve ever loved. It’s the kind of song that made me wish I were in love JUST so I could play those songs to him and hummm along with her. I couldn’t believe how much I was FEELING THOSE SONGS.
I realized that even in the midst of pseudo bitterness and singleness…I’m still in love. I’ve realized I that I am soooo in love with love. I LOVE love. I love how love makes me feel. I love love songs… love poems… love smells… love grins.. heart flutters…eye stares… synchronized breathin… hand holding…ear whispers…ooohh…I just love the way I feel when I’m in love. I miss listening to songs like "No Words" and "Guitars of the Heart (Happy)" in the car and having ppl look at me funny b/c I’m smiling like an idiot even though no one’s in the car with me. I miss thinking about that special someone while the song’s spinning and then giving them the biggest hug and kiss the next time I see them just b/c I’ve been thinking about how wonderful they make me feel. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH LOVE.
I must have listened to this song about 12 times in a row yesterday before crying (okay I do get really emotional and sentimental during that time of month) my little eyes out cause I miss love so much.
That’s when TD called me. I told ya’ll he was comin to town didn’t I? Talkin about timing. That’s about the last thing I needed right then. A guy I was crazy in love with calling me to tell me he misses me and wants to see me right at the very time that I’m missin love and really wanting to feel it again. This could be disasterous. I mean Syleena said it best....
"No we can't be friends /Cause when I talk to you I catch them old feelings/It might make me want ya back/When it's dangerous to want ya back…"
I couldn’t talk to him then… not when I’m feeling so vulnerable… so malleable. I was in trouble.
We talked for a while before he asked me to come over to the house cuz a lot of his folks was there to see him and he really wanted me there too. Against the wishes of the “logical/sensible” side of me I went. The whole time I thought about how bad of an idea this was. I thought about how easily I’d fall if he just blew a little on me… and I didn’t wanna experience another heartbreak. But yet I didn’t turn around. And when I stepped out of my car… I just wasn’t ready for the kind of welcome he greeted me with. I wasn’t prepared for the new TD. I mean… he was the kind of guy that just took me for granted when we were together. But for the last few months… he’s really seemed to have a change of heart. It’s like it finally hit him that I was a good girlfriend. I guess it is true… you don’t miss a good thang til it’s gone. And maybe absense DO make the heart grow fonder.
Anyway… when he saw me…he gave me the biggest hug and forehead kiss (which has been my kiss of choice since I was 14) known to man. He had these yellow roses (which are my favorite EVER) in his hand and gave them to me….which of course made me turn red. Then he just kept hugging me and looking at me with the biggest grin on his face. He said I looked great. He did too actually. He put on a few pounds and it was REALLY working for him. I commented to him that at least he got a woman over in Texas that’s feeding him good. He laughed it off… but we both know he does. And I’m cool with that.
For the entire night we kicked it with the rest of his friends… had a few drinks.. told a few jokes… shot the breeze and etc. It was great. He made me feel incredible. Completely different from anything I remember about him. He held my hand the hold night. People were coming in left and right.. and he was all over the place.. talking to this one.. huggin that one… giving directions on the phone to this one…and introducing that one to the other one… and during it all… he held my hand. I never left his side. For that one night…he was the guy I wanted to sing “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” to. For that one night… he made my tears go away. For that one night… I got to feel the love I’ve been missing and craving. Even though Sunday he’s going back to Texas and I’ll still be here in Atlanta…
and by next week we’ll be nothing but a mere afterthought in each other’s mind... Last night, he was my love. And he was just what the doctor ordered. He was my Motrin… my advil… my temporary fix. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t know what next week will hold… or even the week after that… but as for right now… I’m happy that I felt what I felt. Right now... I’m happy.
It truly IS better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.
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