It's no wonder...

...why many black men have the "plenty of other fish in the sea" mentality.
...why many black women stay in crazy situations and relationships just for the sake of "having somebody".

"Black gender gap hits nearly 2 million: Early deaths of men boost imbalance"

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Jonathan Tilove

Newhouse News Service

Black adult women outnumber black men by nearly 2 million in America, stark testimony to how often black men die before their time.Worse yet, with nearly another million black men in prison or the military, the reality in most black communities across the country is of an even greater imbalance - a gap of 2.8 million, or 26 percent,according to Census Bureau figures for 2002. The comparable disparity for whites was 8 percent. Perhaps no statistic so precisely measures the fateful, often fatal price of being an American black man, or so powerfully conveys how beset black communities are by the violence and disease that leave them bereft of brothers, fathers, husbands and sons. And because the number of black males plummets as they move from their teens to 20s, the gap first appears with the suddenness of a natural disaster.

"It just distorts the fabric of African-American life," says RolandAnglin, executive director of the New Jersey Public Policy Research Institute, which studies how to improve the quality of life in communities of color.

"If white men were falling off the grid as rapidly as black men, it would be considered a national crisis," says Raymond Winbush, author of "The Warrior Method: A Program for Rearing Black Boys." Winbush, a Cleveland native, heads the Institute for Urban Research at Morgan State University in Baltimore.In the March/April issue of Health Affairs, Dr. David Satcher, surgeon general under President Clinton and now the interim president of Morehouse School of Medicine in Atlanta, exposes the core of the problem: Between 1960 and 2000, the disparity between mortality rates for black and white women narrowed while the disparity between the rates for black and white men grew wider. Exponentially higher homicide and AIDS rates play their part, especially among younger black men. Even more deadly through middle age and beyond are higher rates of cardiovascular disease, diabetes and cancer.Death rates for black men in 2002, the most recent year available, exceeded those for white in every state with a sizeable black community, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention records show. In Ohio, the death rate for black men was nearly 32 percent higher than that of their white counterparts. And the picture in other parts of the Midwest, throughout most of thesouth into Texas and California was equally grim.

"The degree of loss and death that people in those communities areexperiencing at a young age is just unfathomable," says Arline Geronimus of the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan. A few years ago, Geronimus led a team of researchers who calculated that in Harlem and on Chicago's South Side, two-thirds of the black boys and one-third of the black girls who reached their 15th birthday would not make 65.

"We live in a society right now where if you turn 25, you're an old head," says Stanley Edwards, 45, a program developer with the Recreation Department in East Orange, N.J., a small city edging Newark where all the problem's manifestations are etched in sharp relief and where three years ago Edwards started Teens Against Violence Everywhere (TAVE)."When I was growing up, 25, you just started."Chilling stuff. But, says Satcher, "The real question is, does the nation really care to solve this problem? "The imbalance between the numbers of black men and women does not exist everywhere. There is no gap to speak of in places with relatively small black populations like Minneapolis, Minn., Portland, Ore., San Francisco and San Diego, and Seattle actually has more black men than women. But it is the rule in those communities with large, concentrated black populations that are the hub of African- American life, and it is as good an indicator as any of things gone wrong.There are more than 30 percent more black women than men in Cleveland, Baltimore, New Orleans, and Chicago and in smaller cities like Harrisburg, Pa., Syracuse, N.Y., Flint, Mich., and Mobile and Birmingham, Ala. There are 36 percent more black women than men in New York City, and 37 percent more in Saginaw, Mich., in Philadelphia, and in East Orange. Darryl Jeffries, the spokesman for East Orange, calls his city "the most densely populated community of color in the United States." Not four square miles, it holds more than 70,000 people. Mostly black. Some Hispanics. A few whites. In 2000, there were more black males under 18 than females in EastOrange. And yet, there were 29 percent more black women than men in their 20s. How can that be?

Ask Eric Perryman, 23, a first-year teacher at Cicely Tyson School of Performing and Fine Arts in East Orange, from which he graduated in 2000.

"The street where I grew up in East Orange there were about 12 of us.Five of them are dead now," says Perryman, who coordinates TAVE with Edwards and Christina White, a Portland, Ore., native who works at East Orange General Hospital while pursuing her master's degree in publichealth.Of the five, Perryman says one was a suicide, the other four homicides. And of the surviving members of his crew of 12, he says, "most are in jail." According to The Sentencing Project in Washington, on any given day in America, one in eight black males age 25 to 29 is incarcerated, and nearly a third of all black men in their 20s are behind bars, on probation or parole. "It's worse than the Wild West," says Rochelle D. Evans, a former police commissioner in East Orange and now the city's interim director for Health and Human Services. But the teens and 20s are but the first gantlet black males must run. Evans knows. She was 5 when her father, 42, was killed on the job at Tappan Range Gas Stoves in Newark when a machine fell on him, fracturing his skull. Of her four brothers, two died of heart attacks in their 40s, a third, suffering from diabetes and kidney failure, just lost a leg, and the fourth has gastrointestinal problems. By the time you get to people in their 60s in East Orange, there are 47 percent more black women than men, and with every succeeding year, the innowing continues. ost obviously, there are simply not enough black men to go around, specially as matches for the numbers of successful black women.It was Geronimus, the University of Michigan researcher, who developed the analytical framework she called "weathering" to describe the lifetime of stresses black people face at every turn that wears them down and wears them out, that can compromise their health and contribute to their dying young. "It can just beat you down," says Haki Madhubuti, the Chicago poet, publisher, educator and author of such books as "Black Men: Obsolete, Single, Dangerous?" and "Tough Notes: A Healing Call for Creating Exceptional Black Men." He says it's why he became a vegan and tries to bike 20 to 25 miles a day. Morgan State's Winbush feels lucky. He survived a heart attack and bypass surgery. He has never been in prison, unlike his brother, a convicted murderer. But with the approach of his 40th reunion at Cleveland's John Adams High School, his alumni news is coming via the obituaries.
"Every week I hear of people shot, drugged out, HIV, just anything, and most of the people who have died are black males," he says.

After reading that article... man... i just shook my head. I mean, it's really no wonder why women act a darn fool when a brutha who has his stuff halfway together comes along. I mean, with the mountainous competition, women have to up their game...which usually requires that we lower our standards, morals, and inhibitions. *smh* It's sad. It's rough out here. I mean, we're experiencing a classic case of supply and demand. The amount of quality black men are steadily decreasing and the amount of women who desire to be with a brutha is steadily increasing. The supply is low... the demand is high. Is it really a wonder why so many of our bruthas opt to live the bachelor life for as long as possible? Is it really a wonder why they seem to easily move through women and relationships effortlessly? Is it really a wonder why when you don't do almost everything he asks of you...you're dismissed without so much of a goodbye? Friends w/benefits are so easy to obtain these days. Women are so desperate to find a brutha that's not in jail, not gay, not on the DL, not a mama's boy, and not ugly...that.. when they find a half decent man, they pretty much do whatever it will take to get him. Whether he's with someone or not. Whether he's committed to them or not. Whether he treats her like he should or not. Choices here...choices there... why settle for just one? I'm not justifying it...but i sure as heck can understand it. Men know that they have a good deal right now. As I've heard so many of my male associates say "shoot, if she won't do it...someone else will". As sad as that is... there is MUCH validity to that. With the shortage we're experiencing... woman will do just about ANYTHING to get and keep a man. And men are eating it up! Becoming less and less interested in serious committed relationships and more into what they can get...and get AWAY with. Not to say that as some men age and mature...many DO want to find a good woman that they will be their "Isha". But... on a whole... they have the upper hand right about now. They seem to not be in as big of a rush to get married. My has the tables turned. Looking at old movies has ruined me. lol. Seeing all of these gentleman callers...and suitors declaring their undying love and longing for a seemingly unphased damsel's hand in marriage has really got me to wishing that it was still that way....

*sigh*

All i'm saying is...with all the black men who like men, who are dying from heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes, homocides, & HIV, who are incarcerated, and who just ain't about ish... I'm very fortunate to have someone that i can honestly say i didn't "settle" for.

I get the feeling that....

Someone’s lying.

And it makes me nervous because I’m not sure which one it is.

There were four last month. Two, I never was interested in, so it was quite easy to dismiss them and their lies.…

But then there were two left.

Both have flawed flaws. Both have strong strengths. And both are confident that I am their wife.

Someone’s lying.

And it makes me nervous because I’m not sure which one it is.

I told you the beginnings of TG and my relationship (here and here ). I told you how surprisingly confident he is about me being his “other half”. While there’s much talk about our future and the preparations we need to now make for that future… neither one of us are planning on actually getting married anytime soon. We both realize that timing is everything…and neither of us are crazy enough to ignore the importance of courtship…and getting to really know someone. Now…in all of these stories about prophesies…and coinciding pasts and futures…and mutual feelings of drawn attractions and spiritural reactions… and yada yada… what I failed to mention is that TG isn’t the only pursuer of my hand in marriage.

I was very upfront with all 4 of my pursuers concerning the fact that they were NOT the only man in my life thinking that I was their wife. 2 of them, I flat out stopped dealing with because I recognized that they were only put in my path to deter as well as DETOUR me from God’s path and plan for my life. I knew I was gonna meet my husband this year. I’ve know that since December. I didn’t know how…who…where…or anything. But I knew he was coming. The union of my husband and I will be a very powerful asset to the kindgom of God… I know this because I know not only MY purpose...but his to. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been told specific things about my husband. (Which is why 2 of my pursuers were so easy to dismiss) That being said…I know the ministry God has placed in him...and when we finally do get together and start the ministry God has placed in us both, no devil in hell will be able to withstand. I guess that’s why the game has been up’d. The deceiver is working at his best right now… cuz…he knows that my blessing is SOOOOOO close. Our union is soooooo close i can taste it. So... i guess his job is to stop me from making the right decision…because getting me to waste my time one someone that God did not intend for me to be with will stunt my growth and stall God’s plan… and take me further out of God’s will…which is something I don’t want to have happen. So I am at a crossroad right now…which path do I take? Which one do i pick. Should I pick either? Are both of them detours?

Although I told them both about each other. I never told EF that I already made a decision to exclusively date TG. As far as he is concerned, he has the upper hand since we have history. Likewise, I never told TG that I still talk to EF every other day because I’m really not sure who to believe…and until I am SURE of what God is saying to me… I’m not gonna cheat…but I can’t completely close the door to the possibility that EF might actually BE the one I should be with. I feel bad about that…but right now…it seems like the best thing to do is just stand still and wait for God to reveal the truth.


EF and I met in ’00. I was going through my first break-up with my then fiancé. I was distraught. I was broken. Humpty Dumpty had NOTHING on me. Every particle of my being was affected. I hated my ex. I hated all men. I hated all people. Everything sucked. And I hated myself for hating everything. I was some kind of bitter. I was desperately seeking something that would give me peace. I needed God, but I felt so far away from Him because of my sin that I didn’t even know the first step towards repentance and restoration. That’s when I met EF. After engaging in a few conversations with me, he left me his number and begged me to call because he felt compelled to help me. I called…eventually. That call changed my life. From our first phone conversation, God spoke to me through him. A lot. God used him to heal my heart. Everyday a new word was spoken into my life. Everyday my confidence was restored…my heart was healed, my soul was repaired, my steps were closer and closer to the path God originally set me on. EF never saw me as the pathetic, bitter, self-depreciating young girl I was. He never saw me the way others did…or even the way I saw myself. He was the first person to ever see what God was DOING in me. He saw me then….as the woman I am today. Actually…as the woman I’ll be tomorrow. He looked past my brokenness and saw a strong woman. He looked past my bitterness…and saw a compassionate woman. He looked past my sinful nature against God and saw a Virtuous, pure woman of God. He saw me as God sees me. God showed him me through His (God’s) eyes…and when EF told me what he saw and… it changed my life. He saw where God was taking me…and he began to treat me as if I was already there. God used him to help me get back on track. And for that… I will forever be grateful. I will forever remember him.
We never dated although there was an attraction growing stronger with each prayer…each conversation…each sermon preached…each “how are you”. We were feeling each other…though neither of us ever said it. He never EVER tried me. He never even mentioned it…and so I began to think that maybe this “feeling” I felt was one-sided. Then in my state of low-self esteem that my relationship with my ex brought me into…I began to think that someone like him couldn’t possibly be interested in me. I mean this brotha had his stuff to-geth-er. And me…well at that time I felt like I had NOTHING to offer. I was broken. I was sinful. I just felt low. And so I shrugged off my feelings and continued on my way. 4 months later… he called to say that he was getting married. Disappointed…but genuinely happy for him, I congratulated him. Besides my ex and I were back together for the second and final time. And EF and I gradually stopped our daily inspirational talks. By the beginning of ’02… he had moved to South Carolina…and I didn’t talk to him AT ALL. Yet every so often I’d wonder how he was. Never anything major. Just wondered if he was alright.

I hadn’t thought about him in at least a year. So when he called me the Tuesday after the magical Monday TG and I caught feelings for each other… I was more than ELATED to hear from him. It was a pleasant surprise! We had sooooooo much catching up to do. I wanted to tell him about how good God has been and how much I’ve grown since the last time he and I talked. I wanted to tell him about my new job…and my new friends, and my new life. I wanted to tell him how right he was about the things he spoke into my life years back…and how I see how God has manifested most of them already. I wanted to tell him about TG and how I’ve finally found a guy that appreciates all of me. But before I could even start… he dropped the bomb on me.

He wants me. He’s always wanted me. He got a divorce because he couldn’t get over me. He’d always felt me…but thought that I was too good for him and he didn't think he could measure up. He thought he had nothing to offer…so he shrugged it off and never said anything. Besides…he knew I was still in love with my ex. He got married …knowing how he felt about me. He claims that it got to be too much. He had to pursue what he KNEW was right. He had to find me. So now…he’s back in Atlanta…sans wife.

Phoning my ring…

What do I say to this? How am I supposed to react? The feelings I had for him are pretty much gone… aren’t they? I dunno. The more he and I talk…the more confused I get. I love EF as a friend. I care about EF. I’d be lying if I said that I never imagined being by his side in "that" capacity. It has crossed my mind. Especially after I hear EF almost every other day telling me how much he loves me…and how if I give him a chance to show me, he’d never let me go. The way that man talks to me is enough to send any woman afloat. His poems to me are breathtaking. His voice is so sincere. The words he use to describe me, I've never even heard anyone put together before. He truly listens to me. He truly speaks into me. His understanding of who I am and what kind of husband he must be to allow me to be at my full potential is the best I’ve ever heard. And…I can’t see him purposely deceiving me. But…there’s still TG. I care for TG so very much. And I’m DATING TG. I look into his eyes everyday and see genuineness as he tell me how thankful he is to have me in his life…and I can’t see anything but my future in his eyes. He texts me everyday to tell me he loves me. Every morning I wake up, I have a v-mail from him with a love song serenade or a simple “good morning, gorgeous, I miss you” message. Every evening on the phone he expresses how much he cares about me…and how the first things out of his mouth upon opening his eyes in the morning is Thanks God for life, and thanks for sending me my wife. The way he hugs me, I've never experienced from another human being. He wraps his soul around mine. And he clings to me as if it will be the last time we ever touch. And finally, when we both KNOW we must go...it takes all he has to stop holding me. I can’t see him purposely deceiving me either.
But…it doesn’t change the fact that someone is wrong. I can’t be a wife to both.

Someone IS lying…

And it makes me nervous because I’m not sure which one it is.

Bizarro-World

For the first time in ages…my work life is slow and my love life is fast. What a change of pace for me. I like it. lol. Since our big Disparities Conference (which happened the same weekend of the ATL "drunkfest" you've heard so much about around blogland), ya girl has really not had much work to do. Everyone's pretty much collecting a check for showing up in suits and briefcases...and playing spider solitaire on their computer. I've had MUCH downtime for blogging. Yet as you can see... my bloggin has kinda slacked off alot.

It's weird because now that my love life has picked up...i have SOOOO much more to blog about. I'm out more... people watching alone can make for months and months of posts... lol. However, i've found that...despite the increased "blogworthy" events.... AND increased "post-writing" time... I haven't felt like writing.

I guess it's cuz...despite the fabulousness of my current relationship, other aspects of my life... ie. health, finances, etc. are actually not in very good shape. *sigh* If it ain't one thing, it's another. All last year, my behind was grumbling about being soooo financially well off and being healthy and what not...but not having anyone to share it with... Now I've finally found someone that makes me happy and who's willing to share himself with me...and unforseen circumstances (ie. mom's quitting her job and needing me to pick up her slack although she made about 3 times as much as i do.) are not permitting me to have my cake AND eat it too. :(
*sigh* I don't feel like writing about it. I'll be all day trying to figure out what i wanna really say...and how i really feel about things. None of my thoughts are formulated enough to make coherent sentences yet. So I’ll just continue to hold it all in as usual.

One thing I do know is…whenever I DO finally feel like pouring myself out…I’ll probably overflow this blog with a LOT of “TMI” category information. *sigh* The stuff I really wanna talk about is some heavy hitting things and I kinda hate that I actually know some of my “silent” readers because now I feel less free to just write what I wanna write in my own space without having to hear about it later.

I dunno… I’ll be back to write more soon. Right now, just hit me on my celly… or shoot me an email.

Gone.

Forgive me Father...for I have sinned.

When the spirit is willing....the flesh is weak.

Evil is always present when i wanna do good.

The more i try to fulfil my purpose...the harder it is to even maintain where I already am.

God help me to not just be a survivor...but instead an overcomer.

I don't want to "just get by"...help me to "soar above all".

I need you now more than ever! Hear me. Help me. Heal me.

Reason # 13843....

...why drinking with child is NEVER a good idea.


Tuesday 3:41 am

*home phone rings*

Me: *sleepy and very grumpy* Heeello!!
My Cousin: Brese, u sleep?
Me: *blink, blink*
Me: *blood boiling* sidenote: your teacher lied... there IS a such thing as a dumb question.
Me: *thinking in silence, it is threeee forty mutha-effin ONE in the mutha-effin morning!!!!!*
My cousin: Okay, okay... duh i know u sleep. *goofy laugh*
My cousin: But i just wanted to know... *insert drum roll* DID BIAH GO TO THE JAZZ FESTIVAL LAST YEAR? *silence...actually awaiting an answer*

Me: *head feeling like it's about to explode*
Me: *click*


Why in the WORLD do people call me at the wee hours of the morning KNOWING my do not disturb unless it's for death (not near death....death neegros death!!) notices only??? That is IT. NO OTHER EXCUSE is acceptable for calling me on a workday at 3:41 AM. And then to ask me that? THAT???!!!! Neegro that couldn't wait until morning? Are you serious? Did you really just wake me up to ask me that? *confused* I'm not on an episode of "boiling points"? and... you're NOT dying?

So lemme get this straight. It's 3:41 in the morning and YOU can't sleep cuz for some reason, you can't figure out if biah went to a doggone jazz festival...that DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN THIS YEAR....
and you thought it would be a great idea to wake ME up to find out? Huh? Are you REALLY that retarded?

There are only 2 things in this world that makes my blood BOIL. One is annoying drivers who keep their blinkers on too long, or try to speed up in order to make you get behind them while you're trying to get over. Two is waking me up for NO REASON when i'm in my good sleep grove. DON'T DO IT! Just don't.

Momma wanna give her sweet little princess a goodnight kiss and i'm sleep. Momma will get caught with a nasty attitude of me staring her down, grunting and smacking my teeth.. followed by an abrubt turn AWAY from her while mumbling about hating being awakened. Sorry momma...you know i'll give you a million hugs and kisses when i'm up and right before i go to bed...but when i'm sleep, JUST DON"T DO IT.

Little cousin wanna wake me up before 10 on a saturday to go get breakfast at Mickie D's and get a mush in the face followed by the loudest "GET OUT" yell possibly known to man. Sorry lil man, you know i'll buy you whatever you want and make u some bomb azz pancakes when i get up... but when i'm sleep, JUST DON'T DO IT.

Boyfriend just UP for no reason thinking about his babygirl and decide to call me at 2 just to say "I love you"... *smh* he will NOT be happy about being told not to EVER EVER EVER call me again promptly followed by wonderful conversation from Mr. Tone. Sorry baby, you know i didnt mean that...and as soon as i awake and remember you called, i'll phone your dial and proceed to give you the loving words you needed...but when i'm sleep, JUST DON'T DO IT.

*sigh*

I need to start cutting off my ringer.

Ice Cream Revelations...

Tears welled up in my eyes as we gave each other our last hug before departing to our separate destinations. He was meeting his sig. other for lunch, and I was on my way back to work. We don’t see each other much because our schedules don’t permit us to. But when we do get together, it seems like time rewinds and we’re back in the simpler days when it was just he and i. No one else in the world mattered… or existed. lol We had an incredible relationship. We spent most…err... all of our time together… talking, laughing, playing, sharing our dreams and interests with each other…being so close that we pretty much sickened everyone around us. We probably know everything there is to know about each other. We shared more than our bodies…we shared our soul, our heart, our everything. The problem is that...well, after sharing something like that with someone…it’s hard to not still feel close to them. Even now, when we are in each other’s presence, floods of memories come back…and there we are...eating ice cream and talking about old times…and for a moment our eyes lock. And neither of us say anything because we both know. No one will ever understand the bond we share…and though we’ve both moved on and we’re leading happy lives now, a piece of him will always be with me and a piece of me will always be with him. We will always miss those times…we’ll always cherish those times…nothing but death will ever erase what was there...

I gotta say, the whole situation felt so…affair-ish. I mean, calling from unknown numbers, parking miles away from each other, not even glancing at one another until we both simultaneously approach the ice cream counter…walking with our ice cream to a discrete shade behind a few trees…I mean really, I felt like we were doing something wrong but … it was just an ice cream social in broad day light with plenty of bystanders. Why must it feel so wrong…so sneaky…so dramatic. Honestly, there’s nothing “going on” between us. We are just two people who happen to have incredible history, great conversation and an undying friendship. It’s true. *blink* No I’m for real. He and I haven’t been intimate in ages…and we honestly love each other as friends…yet… I feel wrong.

I guess because I know that intimacy is much more than two naked booties bumpin in the midnight hours. We share everything BUT the physical…so maybe in a sense…we are kinda cheating. Emotional infidelity matters too…


She doesn’t know about us. I don’t think he’s ever mentioned me to her. I think it’s best that way cuz if he did, she’d probably hate my guts. Heck, I’d hate me too if my sig. other shared that type of bond with another human being. I guess that is what makes me feel so… weird. Knowing that he and I could so easily pick up where we left off…although we’ve both claimed to have moved on. And her…so unsuspecting… so far away from our ice cream rendezvous…so NOT in the know. I guess the best thing to do is to just not be his friend anymore. Agree to not see him, talk to him only on birthdays or Christmas and stop confiding in each other about everything little thing. *sigh* I know that won’t work either. If we’re still friends after all of our past drama, then this not-so-good-feeling I have will definitely not be a sufficient enough reason to end such a wonderful friendship. I mean, to discontinue our friendship completely would be…insane!!! He’s one of my closest friends. Always have been… always will be. I’m one of those people who value true friends. And while all of the things that has happened between us in the past would seemingly have RUINED that “true friendship” thing… it never did. It stiffled it for a while, but true friends… and true love…never die. EVER.

So I was at Keish’s place yesterday reading about unconditional love…and it hit me. That’s the problem. Well not problem…but that’s the issue. The reason I feel so…wrong about spending time with him is because we still love each other. Not in the "i'm gonna leave my wife and we're gonna meet in mexico and elope" way. But we still would take a bullet for each other....we'd be sad if we knew it would make the other one happy. We love without reason. He’s the only guy I’ve ever truly loved unconditionally. (besides my daddy). I never realize that before this week. I wasn’t in denial really. I just wasn’t aware that though I don’t want to be with him, I still love him and because of the TYPE of love I had for him, I could never feasibly stop being in his life. I could never feasibly stop loving him. I’ll be honest, I’ve talked MUCH trash about him. He ain’t “this”…and he’s a bad “that”. And I’m also quick to respond with a hearty “HELL NAW”…when someone asks me if I’m still in love with him or if I want to ever rekindle that fire again. But I’ve learned something… as much as I hate to admit this… I still love him.

I’m NOT IN LOVE. Please don’t get it twisted. I don’t want him back. I’m not thinking about him every hour of the day, and I am not the least bit sad that we’re not together. Yet…what I have failed to realize is that…I loved him so completely, so holistically, so intensely that… even though we’re no longer together, my love FOR him will never die. I love him unconditionally. And that’s deep to me. I mean, sure when we were together some odd years ago and I was head over heels in love, I expected to love him unconditionally. And I did. No matter what we went through or how he hurt me…I still loved him. But now that I’m “out of love with him”…and I no longer desire to be with him romantically cuz we’ve both moved on…and the “limerance” love I felt for him went away and because it doesn’t bother me AT ALL that he’s with another woman, and because I’ve fell in and out of love with other people…I thought that I no longer had feelings for him. (sorry for that long run on sentence. just take a quick break and come back to finish the rest. lol) I figured that the fact that he could touch me sometimes and I felt nothing meant that…I was over him. And being over someone meant to me that I no longer loved them.

I was wrong.

I don’t think you can ever stop loving someone you have truly loved. If you can stop loving someone, you might wanna re-evaluate what you really felt…cuz real love doesn’t just go away. Love surpasses emotions… it surpasses reciprocity, it surpasses keeping tabs and holding grudges. It surpasses time. Love evolves. I don’t feel eros love for him anymore…but I do feel agape...and have for a long time. True love is Agape love. All that other stuff…it’s limerance mostly. I feel Unconditional love for him…despite the ups and downs of our past relationship and despite the ups and downs of our current friendship, there’s nothing he can do that would make me stop loving him. It’s deeper than infidelity, and lies, and deceit, and what he did and didn’t do, and if he called or not… when you love someone…truly love someone…that doesn’t go away. Love doesn't die. Limerance dies... relationships die, heck, people die... but true love does.not.die.

I guess that’s why I got so choked up when I saw him there. I doubt he even noticed that I was looking at him, cuz he had excused himself to take his sig. other's call. As he paced back and forth by the Brewster’s ice cream sign, I realized for the first time since our break up that, I still care for him…more than I ever imagined. I want him to be happy. I want him to prosper. I want him to achieve all of his heart's desires. And I want to do whatever it is I can do to help him. In no way am I jealous of his sig. other. I no way do I long to be her… but watching him talk to her on the phone from afar, made me remember the days when it was me on the other line… It made me remember why I cared for him so much. It made me remember why I loved him so much. And shockingly, with tears in my eyes…it made me remember why I still love him. No matter what the situation is now… or what it will be in the future, I will always love him. I’ll always have his back. I will always lift him up. Unconditionally. To me…that’s both very profound, and very scary.

I just wanna see...

I’ve never been good at getting make-overs. Whether it’s a new hairstyle or someone giving me a makeover for prom, dances, or other special occasions, ya girl just couldn’t sit still to save her life! I’ve often been a victim of getting my head jerked back around cuz I couldn’t stay still while the stylist worked on my head. I can also recall countless mumbles and eye rolls and teeth smacks from makeup artists who had to start over because my need to SEE caused them to smear eye liner or lipstick all on my cheeks. *sigh* It wasn’t that I had a problem putting my faith in these artist to do a good job…I mean, they were professionals and I felt like if they do something wrong…I could just tell them to fix it. But what drove me absolutely INSANE is that they always turned me AWAY from the mirror. I could never SEE what was going on. I wanted to SEE. I’m nosey. I’m inquisitive. I like to be in the KNOW. I could feel them applying this and that…and I could hear people saying…ooh that’s cute. I like it. Or I’d see folks just staring at me and watching the progress… but I was STILL ansy because I wanted to SEE what they were doing.

I kinda feel like that with God now. I know the end result will be pleasing to me because He has my best interest at heart. He knows what I need and like and He needs NO help from me when He’s making me over. And while others can see the things He’s doing in, to, and through me, I WANNA see it too! I’m getting anxious because He’s still working…and I’m steady trying to look in the mirror and see the UNFINISHED, but improved makeover. Lord help me to be patient. Help me to know that if I saw me right now… I might not like the way I look because You’re not done yet. Help me to trust in You and KNOW that in due time, I’ll see the end result and be eternally grateful. Help me to have faith. It’s comforting to know that even when I don’t know what’s going on. God is still in control and He’s still working on me regardless of my attempts to try and position myself towards a mirror.

As I sit in the makeover chair… so many thoughts are going through my head. My main concern is the balancing act I feel like I’m doing right now. It’s hard to balance 4 realities/worlds. Most people have a hard time just living in ONE. But my life has become increasingly confusing because I can’t seem to find the balance yet….partly because I can’t see what’s going on.

I’m living in the present, seeing and preparing for the future, functioning with mind, body and soul in the physical world, and working, feeling, and living in the spiritual world. Try that on for size and after some time of trying to figure out how to be, how to think, what to do and where to go, you’ll be as worn out and confused as I am right now.

Of course the most common realities are the here and now…and the earthly realm. These worlds alone have their share of situations that are confusing without adding to it the fact that I’m supposed to be IN this world but not OF this world.
Adding the element of spirituality to this otherwise critical and skeptical world makes it hard for me sometimes because I’m living in two realities.

EXAMPLE - I have no money. I mean really, if I go to my bank right now, the only thing that I could withdraw is …myself from the bank. That’s it. That’s my physical reality. However, in the spirit realm, I know that I have favor with God…and that through Him all things are possible. I know that He’ll give me the desires of my heart and in Him, I’m rich. That’s my spiritual reality.

Now…how do I operate in both?

Listen, I need gas. I’m on a half tank…and I don’t get paid ‘til Friday. A half tank won’t get me to Thursday unfortunately. So now what? I cant go in the gas station and pump $10 worth of gas, then tell the attendant to “put it on God’s tab” and drive off. It doesn’t work like that… Yet… I still must exhibit faith because it’s impossible to please God without it… so what do I do? How do I incorporate these two realities which seemingly contradict themselves? How do I trust God to meet my needs for gas when I KNOW I don’t have any money? Understand?
It can get confusing… Both are real realities… I AM wealthy…and I DON’T have any money…so how do I deal with that?

Then there’s the balancing between the present and the future. See… I kinda know where I am right now. And God has given me a lot of glimpses of where I will be in my future. But the two worlds are soooo different. How do I close the gap? How do I start moving towards where I’m gonna be without losing out on living in the now?

I’ve been prophesized to so many times about so many things… and some have come true…some are still manifesting as we speak…and some have yet to come. But what happens when my present doesn’t line up with my future? How do I function in the now when my future may not be accommodating to the the things in my present?

EXAMPLE…
I’m dating TG. I care about him a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our future and we both feel that we’re probably gonna get married. He tells me everyday that I’m his soulmate and that he’s never been more sure of anything in his life. That’s us in the present… preparing for the future.

However, I received a word/prophesy on Sunday by this couple at my church, that I’m gonna meet my husband soon. And that he’ll be a mighty man of God…and (insert an hour long convo about my future). That‘s my future trying to redirect my present.
So here I stand… confused.
How can that prophesy be right if I think I’ve already met him? Do I ignore the prophecy and continue with what feels right? I mean, it’s not JUST me that’s feeling this… he’s feeling it too. We’re both God loving people…we’re heading up the right path…and etc… Why wouldn't God honor that?
But what if the prophecy is right? I mean, if it’s right then I’m making a BIG mistake messing around with TG. One of us will get hurt…and from experience, it’ll be me.
So…should I break off communication with him and stand on the promises for my future? But i dunno… what if they were supposed to tell me that word a month ago instead of two days ago…and I’m getting it late…and have already met the guy they were telling me I’d meet? Then I would have messed up something that should have never been tampered with. Or what if they were ust altogether wrong…and TG IS the mighty man of God I’m supposed to marry?

I’m soooo confused. How do I live in both worlds when they are contrary to one another? And when they DO clash…which one do I side with?

I know that the only one who can help me is God. I know that only He can bring order and peace to the mind of a confused young lady. And I’ve prayed. I’m just waiting for an answer. And He’ll get me right … I know it. He has too. I’ve mad Him my legal guardian, my master, my pilot. Yes PILOT, not co-pilot. He’s my pilot. Period. If we were co-pilots, then I’d know a little something about the journey I’m taking. I’d know what was going on and be able to help. But as you can see… ya girl is LOST! God is flying this plane by Himself. He has full knowledge, control, and access to everything dealing with me and He needs NO help. I’m just here for the ride. I know where I’m headed…and that He’s gonna get me there…but ask me how far away it is, or what direction we need to go to get there…or the first thing about getting the plane off the ground and into the air…and I’m lost. So right now… I’m just asking Him…

God, please tell me how long will I be up in the clouds…with blurred vision…looking out the window wondering where we are and how far I am from my destination? Please let me know where we are and what I need to do while waiting, so that I won’t get weary and be discouraged. Please fill me in on at least a little of the plan just to ease my troubled mind. Let me look in the mirror just once… just once…to see what You’re doing. Not that I don’t trust you… I’m just so excited about the journey…about the makeover… about living in 4 worlds…and I just wanna know what’s going on. That’s all. I just wanna see…

Sharing Life....

For the last few years, I’ve had the privilege of being a staff, finance and research assistant for the behavioral research department of the American Cancer Society (ACS). Of the many roles I’ve played and many hats I’ve worn, Special Pops researcher is by FAR the most rewarding position I’ve had a chance to fill. I love learning. I love growing. I love understanding. And for me, being able to quench my undying thirst for the unknown through research as well as inform others of improving their quality of life AND helping advance my people has been the best of both worlds. I get to share my compassion for people as well as fulfill my own selfish need for finding answers to things I’ve always wanted to know.
In saying that… I found it quite odd that I’ve been blogging for a year and a half now, and have NEVER shared anything remotely pertaining to our work at ACS… on this site.

I’ve meant to share tidbits of my research and etc. on numerous occasions… only to find that after work…or on my break during work…the LAST thing I wanna write about is… WORK. lol. However, because of the nature of what we do… I’d be selfish NOT to at least share a few facts with you. Trust me, this thing is much deeper than these few facts… but I just want to at least inform some, and remind others of the cancer disparities we as African Americans face…and encourage you to do something about it.

Stats from our recently published Cancer Facts and Figures for African Americans 2005-2006


~~ African Americans have the highest mortality rate of any racial and ethnic group for ALL cancers combined and for most major cancers.

~~About 63,110 African Americans are expected to die from cancer this year.

~~African American men have a 20% higher incidence rate and a 40% higher death rate from all cancers combined than white men.

*sidenote*
African Americans are more likely to be diagnosed at a later stage of cancer than whites, possibly due to factors such as less knowledge about cancer symptoms and reduced access to cancer screening services. How many times have we heard our parents or grandparents refuse to go see a doctor because nothing’s “wrong” with them? Or because they’ll “be alright”…”it’s just a little pain that’ll go away”? *raise yo’ hand* As African Americans, we JUST WILL go to the doctor if something is majorly wrong. So imagine trying to get Ole Betty Jean or Eddie Leroy over here to go see a doctor when they feel absolutely fine! Yet that’s where we need to be heading. Unfortunately, the society we live in has yet to catch up with where we NEED to be. We don’t truly have a health care system…we have a sick care system. Our system is set up to care for the sick, cover up symptoms, and fix what’s broken instead of preventing what doesn’t have to be and intervening on situations that could stop us from becoming SICK. However, despite the set up, there are STILL preventative measures we should begin taking so that if something IS wrong, we can get it detected early…even before the symptoms manifest, and increase or chance of survival. We gotta start getting examined even when we feel fine, because usually when we begin to FEEL sick, we’re already in a later stage of our sickness.

Plus, the socioeconomic status of many African Americans also is a leading factor in the disparities we see in cancer incidence and mortality rates. We make up only 13% of the US population, but comprise 24% of the nation’s poor. Please, try to better your situation and those around you. Do your share to help the less fortunate.


~~The most commonly diagnosed cancers among African American men continue to be prostate (41.8), lung (14.6), and colon and rectum (10.2%).

~~Among African American women, the most common cancers are breast (29.9%), colon and rectum (13.3), and lung (13.2)

~~Lung cancer accounts for the largest number of cancer deaths among both men and women, followed by prostate cancer in men, and breast cancer in women.

TOBACCO is the most preventable cause of premature death in the US and is responsible for about 30% of all cancer deaths. In addition to lung cancer, cigarette smoking is associated with cancers of the lip, mouth and pharynx, larynx, esophagus, stomach, colon, rectum, pancreas, cervix, bladder, liver, and kidney, as well as the myeloid leukemia.
The rate of adult smoking has been consistently higher in African American men than white men although the % of adult who smoke…as well as the disparity across race have decreased over time. Black men start smoking at an older age and smoke fewer cigarettes than their white counterparts, however they usually smoke more intensely and are more likely to smoke mentholated brands…*ya’ll know it’s true*…which has been shown to have HIGHER carbon monoxide concentrations than regular cigarettes…and maybe be associated with a greater absorption of nicotine.

An estimated 108 million are overweight or obese in the US. In addition to diabetes, heart disease and stroke, obesity increases the risk of breast, colon, rectum, endometrium, adenocarcinoma of the esophagus, gallbladder, pancreas, liver, gastric cardia, and kidney cancer. The prevalence of overweight is substantially higher in African American women (77%) than White (57%)…and 49% of African American women are obese compared to 31% of white women.


Please Please Please.

1. Go get Screened. Early detection is CRUCIAL for better chances of survival. If you don’t know where, when, for what, or etc… contact me and I will help direct you to more information. (email addy on profile page)
2. Eat healthy and Exercise regularly. The best type of care is preventative care.
3. Stop smoking!


Let’s become more aware. More informed. More proactive. More preventive. More empowered! To know and share could be the difference between life and death. Be the difference.