Someone’s lying.
And it makes me nervous because I’m not sure which one it is.
There were four last month. Two, I never was interested in, so it was quite easy to dismiss them and their lies.…
But then there were two left.
Both have flawed flaws. Both have strong strengths. And both are confident that I am their wife.
Someone’s lying.
And it makes me nervous because I’m not sure which one it is.
I told you the beginnings of TG and my relationship (here and here ). I told you how surprisingly confident he is about me being his “other half”. While there’s much talk about our future and the preparations we need to now make for that future… neither one of us are planning on actually getting married anytime soon. We both realize that timing is everything…and neither of us are crazy enough to ignore the importance of courtship…and getting to really know someone. Now…in all of these stories about prophesies…and coinciding pasts and futures…and mutual feelings of drawn attractions and spiritural reactions… and yada yada… what I failed to mention is that TG isn’t the only pursuer of my hand in marriage.
I was very upfront with all 4 of my pursuers concerning the fact that they were NOT the only man in my life thinking that I was their wife. 2 of them, I flat out stopped dealing with because I recognized that they were only put in my path to deter as well as DETOUR me from God’s path and plan for my life. I knew I was gonna meet my husband this year. I’ve know that since December. I didn’t know how…who…where…or anything. But I knew he was coming. The union of my husband and I will be a very powerful asset to the kindgom of God… I know this because I know not only MY purpose...but his to. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been told specific things about my husband. (Which is why 2 of my pursuers were so easy to dismiss) That being said…I know the ministry God has placed in him...and when we finally do get together and start the ministry God has placed in us both, no devil in hell will be able to withstand. I guess that’s why the game has been up’d. The deceiver is working at his best right now… cuz…he knows that my blessing is SOOOOOO close. Our union is soooooo close i can taste it. So... i guess his job is to stop me from making the right decision…because getting me to waste my time one someone that God did not intend for me to be with will stunt my growth and stall God’s plan… and take me further out of God’s will…which is something I don’t want to have happen. So I am at a crossroad right now…which path do I take? Which one do i pick. Should I pick either? Are both of them detours?
Although I told them both about each other. I never told EF that I already made a decision to exclusively date TG. As far as he is concerned, he has the upper hand since we have history. Likewise, I never told TG that I still talk to EF every other day because I’m really not sure who to believe…and until I am SURE of what God is saying to me… I’m not gonna cheat…but I can’t completely close the door to the possibility that EF might actually BE the one I should be with. I feel bad about that…but right now…it seems like the best thing to do is just stand still and wait for God to reveal the truth.
EF and I met in ’00. I was going through my first break-up with my then fiancé. I was distraught. I was broken. Humpty Dumpty had NOTHING on me. Every particle of my being was affected. I hated my ex. I hated all men. I hated all people. Everything sucked. And I hated myself for hating everything. I was some kind of bitter. I was desperately seeking something that would give me peace. I needed God, but I felt so far away from Him because of my sin that I didn’t even know the first step towards repentance and restoration. That’s when I met EF. After engaging in a few conversations with me, he left me his number and begged me to call because he felt compelled to help me. I called…eventually. That call changed my life. From our first phone conversation, God spoke to me through him. A lot. God used him to heal my heart. Everyday a new word was spoken into my life. Everyday my confidence was restored…my heart was healed, my soul was repaired, my steps were closer and closer to the path God originally set me on. EF never saw me as the pathetic, bitter, self-depreciating young girl I was. He never saw me the way others did…or even the way I saw myself. He was the first person to ever see what God was DOING in me. He saw me then….as the woman I am today. Actually…as the woman I’ll be tomorrow. He looked past my brokenness and saw a strong woman. He looked past my bitterness…and saw a compassionate woman. He looked past my sinful nature against God and saw a Virtuous, pure woman of God. He saw me as God sees me. God showed him me through His (God’s) eyes…and when EF told me what he saw and… it changed my life. He saw where God was taking me…and he began to treat me as if I was already there. God used him to help me get back on track. And for that… I will forever be grateful. I will forever remember him.
We never dated although there was an attraction growing stronger with each prayer…each conversation…each sermon preached…each “how are you”. We were feeling each other…though neither of us ever said it. He never EVER tried me. He never even mentioned it…and so I began to think that maybe this “feeling” I felt was one-sided. Then in my state of low-self esteem that my relationship with my ex brought me into…I began to think that someone like him couldn’t possibly be interested in me. I mean this brotha had his stuff to-geth-er. And me…well at that time I felt like I had NOTHING to offer. I was broken. I was sinful. I just felt low. And so I shrugged off my feelings and continued on my way. 4 months later… he called to say that he was getting married. Disappointed…but genuinely happy for him, I congratulated him. Besides my ex and I were back together for the second and final time. And EF and I gradually stopped our daily inspirational talks. By the beginning of ’02… he had moved to South Carolina…and I didn’t talk to him AT ALL. Yet every so often I’d wonder how he was. Never anything major. Just wondered if he was alright.
I hadn’t thought about him in at least a year. So when he called me the Tuesday after the magical Monday TG and I caught feelings for each other… I was more than ELATED to hear from him. It was a pleasant surprise! We had sooooooo much catching up to do. I wanted to tell him about how good God has been and how much I’ve grown since the last time he and I talked. I wanted to tell him about my new job…and my new friends, and my new life. I wanted to tell him how right he was about the things he spoke into my life years back…and how I see how God has manifested most of them already. I wanted to tell him about TG and how I’ve finally found a guy that appreciates all of me. But before I could even start… he dropped the bomb on me.
He wants me. He’s always wanted me. He got a divorce because he couldn’t get over me. He’d always felt me…but thought that I was too good for him and he didn't think he could measure up. He thought he had nothing to offer…so he shrugged it off and never said anything. Besides…he knew I was still in love with my ex. He got married …knowing how he felt about me. He claims that it got to be too much. He had to pursue what he KNEW was right. He had to find me. So now…he’s back in Atlanta…sans wife.
Phoning my ring…
What do I say to this? How am I supposed to react? The feelings I had for him are pretty much gone… aren’t they? I dunno. The more he and I talk…the more confused I get. I love EF as a friend. I care about EF. I’d be lying if I said that I never imagined being by his side in "that" capacity. It has crossed my mind. Especially after I hear EF almost every other day telling me how much he loves me…and how if I give him a chance to show me, he’d never let me go. The way that man talks to me is enough to send any woman afloat. His poems to me are breathtaking. His voice is so sincere. The words he use to describe me, I've never even heard anyone put together before. He truly listens to me. He truly speaks into me. His understanding of who I am and what kind of husband he must be to allow me to be at my full potential is the best I’ve ever heard. And…I can’t see him purposely deceiving me. But…there’s still TG. I care for TG so very much. And I’m DATING TG. I look into his eyes everyday and see genuineness as he tell me how thankful he is to have me in his life…and I can’t see anything but my future in his eyes. He texts me everyday to tell me he loves me. Every morning I wake up, I have a v-mail from him with a love song serenade or a simple “good morning, gorgeous, I miss you” message. Every evening on the phone he expresses how much he cares about me…and how the first things out of his mouth upon opening his eyes in the morning is Thanks God for life, and thanks for sending me my wife. The way he hugs me, I've never experienced from another human being. He wraps his soul around mine. And he clings to me as if it will be the last time we ever touch. And finally, when we both KNOW we must go...it takes all he has to stop holding me. I can’t see him purposely deceiving me either.
But…it doesn’t change the fact that someone is wrong. I can’t be a wife to both.
Someone IS lying…
And it makes me nervous because I’m not sure which one it is.
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