I just wanna see...

I’ve never been good at getting make-overs. Whether it’s a new hairstyle or someone giving me a makeover for prom, dances, or other special occasions, ya girl just couldn’t sit still to save her life! I’ve often been a victim of getting my head jerked back around cuz I couldn’t stay still while the stylist worked on my head. I can also recall countless mumbles and eye rolls and teeth smacks from makeup artists who had to start over because my need to SEE caused them to smear eye liner or lipstick all on my cheeks. *sigh* It wasn’t that I had a problem putting my faith in these artist to do a good job…I mean, they were professionals and I felt like if they do something wrong…I could just tell them to fix it. But what drove me absolutely INSANE is that they always turned me AWAY from the mirror. I could never SEE what was going on. I wanted to SEE. I’m nosey. I’m inquisitive. I like to be in the KNOW. I could feel them applying this and that…and I could hear people saying…ooh that’s cute. I like it. Or I’d see folks just staring at me and watching the progress… but I was STILL ansy because I wanted to SEE what they were doing.

I kinda feel like that with God now. I know the end result will be pleasing to me because He has my best interest at heart. He knows what I need and like and He needs NO help from me when He’s making me over. And while others can see the things He’s doing in, to, and through me, I WANNA see it too! I’m getting anxious because He’s still working…and I’m steady trying to look in the mirror and see the UNFINISHED, but improved makeover. Lord help me to be patient. Help me to know that if I saw me right now… I might not like the way I look because You’re not done yet. Help me to trust in You and KNOW that in due time, I’ll see the end result and be eternally grateful. Help me to have faith. It’s comforting to know that even when I don’t know what’s going on. God is still in control and He’s still working on me regardless of my attempts to try and position myself towards a mirror.

As I sit in the makeover chair… so many thoughts are going through my head. My main concern is the balancing act I feel like I’m doing right now. It’s hard to balance 4 realities/worlds. Most people have a hard time just living in ONE. But my life has become increasingly confusing because I can’t seem to find the balance yet….partly because I can’t see what’s going on.

I’m living in the present, seeing and preparing for the future, functioning with mind, body and soul in the physical world, and working, feeling, and living in the spiritual world. Try that on for size and after some time of trying to figure out how to be, how to think, what to do and where to go, you’ll be as worn out and confused as I am right now.

Of course the most common realities are the here and now…and the earthly realm. These worlds alone have their share of situations that are confusing without adding to it the fact that I’m supposed to be IN this world but not OF this world.
Adding the element of spirituality to this otherwise critical and skeptical world makes it hard for me sometimes because I’m living in two realities.

EXAMPLE - I have no money. I mean really, if I go to my bank right now, the only thing that I could withdraw is …myself from the bank. That’s it. That’s my physical reality. However, in the spirit realm, I know that I have favor with God…and that through Him all things are possible. I know that He’ll give me the desires of my heart and in Him, I’m rich. That’s my spiritual reality.

Now…how do I operate in both?

Listen, I need gas. I’m on a half tank…and I don’t get paid ‘til Friday. A half tank won’t get me to Thursday unfortunately. So now what? I cant go in the gas station and pump $10 worth of gas, then tell the attendant to “put it on God’s tab” and drive off. It doesn’t work like that… Yet… I still must exhibit faith because it’s impossible to please God without it… so what do I do? How do I incorporate these two realities which seemingly contradict themselves? How do I trust God to meet my needs for gas when I KNOW I don’t have any money? Understand?
It can get confusing… Both are real realities… I AM wealthy…and I DON’T have any money…so how do I deal with that?

Then there’s the balancing between the present and the future. See… I kinda know where I am right now. And God has given me a lot of glimpses of where I will be in my future. But the two worlds are soooo different. How do I close the gap? How do I start moving towards where I’m gonna be without losing out on living in the now?

I’ve been prophesized to so many times about so many things… and some have come true…some are still manifesting as we speak…and some have yet to come. But what happens when my present doesn’t line up with my future? How do I function in the now when my future may not be accommodating to the the things in my present?

EXAMPLE…
I’m dating TG. I care about him a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our future and we both feel that we’re probably gonna get married. He tells me everyday that I’m his soulmate and that he’s never been more sure of anything in his life. That’s us in the present… preparing for the future.

However, I received a word/prophesy on Sunday by this couple at my church, that I’m gonna meet my husband soon. And that he’ll be a mighty man of God…and (insert an hour long convo about my future). That‘s my future trying to redirect my present.
So here I stand… confused.
How can that prophesy be right if I think I’ve already met him? Do I ignore the prophecy and continue with what feels right? I mean, it’s not JUST me that’s feeling this… he’s feeling it too. We’re both God loving people…we’re heading up the right path…and etc… Why wouldn't God honor that?
But what if the prophecy is right? I mean, if it’s right then I’m making a BIG mistake messing around with TG. One of us will get hurt…and from experience, it’ll be me.
So…should I break off communication with him and stand on the promises for my future? But i dunno… what if they were supposed to tell me that word a month ago instead of two days ago…and I’m getting it late…and have already met the guy they were telling me I’d meet? Then I would have messed up something that should have never been tampered with. Or what if they were ust altogether wrong…and TG IS the mighty man of God I’m supposed to marry?

I’m soooo confused. How do I live in both worlds when they are contrary to one another? And when they DO clash…which one do I side with?

I know that the only one who can help me is God. I know that only He can bring order and peace to the mind of a confused young lady. And I’ve prayed. I’m just waiting for an answer. And He’ll get me right … I know it. He has too. I’ve mad Him my legal guardian, my master, my pilot. Yes PILOT, not co-pilot. He’s my pilot. Period. If we were co-pilots, then I’d know a little something about the journey I’m taking. I’d know what was going on and be able to help. But as you can see… ya girl is LOST! God is flying this plane by Himself. He has full knowledge, control, and access to everything dealing with me and He needs NO help. I’m just here for the ride. I know where I’m headed…and that He’s gonna get me there…but ask me how far away it is, or what direction we need to go to get there…or the first thing about getting the plane off the ground and into the air…and I’m lost. So right now… I’m just asking Him…

God, please tell me how long will I be up in the clouds…with blurred vision…looking out the window wondering where we are and how far I am from my destination? Please let me know where we are and what I need to do while waiting, so that I won’t get weary and be discouraged. Please fill me in on at least a little of the plan just to ease my troubled mind. Let me look in the mirror just once… just once…to see what You’re doing. Not that I don’t trust you… I’m just so excited about the journey…about the makeover… about living in 4 worlds…and I just wanna know what’s going on. That’s all. I just wanna see…