Love doesn’t pay the bills….
If I haven’t heard this from every woman I know over 35...!!!! I HATED this saying. I never understood why love didn’t conquer all like it did in the fairy tales. I mean, death (sleeping beauty), ugliness (beauty and the beast), poverty (Cinderella) .... NUNNA that mattered cuz they luuuuuuuuuved each other. *sighing dreamily*
Now that I’m older….i understand that saying. Just cuz u love somebody don’t mean that errythang is gonna be gravy. In fact they should’ve added a few more sentences to that saying… Love doesn’t guarantee that ya’ll gonna be together… and Love doesn’t mean problem-free.
Shoot….love doesn’t do and mean a lot of things. Yet we base our entire life off of it. Ain't that crazy? Love is crazy. No wonder they say we’re “falling in love”… lol Falling... when has falling EVER been a good thing? Love causes us to act a darn fool. Lose sight of rationale. Go contrary to our own crazy mind. Make mistakes we NEVER would have imagined. Love is some powerful ish. And I find my self being its slave. Giving in to its every command. Not being able to do anything about it.
Sometimes that’s a scary feeling. To KNOW better and watch yourself do something crazy. Such things just shouldn’t be… yet here I am. Crazy enough to fall for someone with just as much baggage as I have. lol
Sometimes I feel foolish. Sometimes I feel like I might regret taking this journey. But I can’t get off yet. I can’t stop now. I’m a slave. Even worse, I'm a freed slave. I can go... but won't. See, so much has transpired between TG and I since we got together. He was honest from jump. I knew what I was getting into. He has A LOT of baggage. And I thought I was woman enough to handle it. I thought our love would conquer it all. I figured that because our love and future looked so bright… that our present situations would just fall in line. Yeah… I believed the fairy tale. I believed that love was some super magical fairy dust that would somehow place us on the right road. But as the old folks say. Love don’t pay the bills… and love SURE doesn’t mean that everyday is a "good day".
We both struggling. I mean for real. Dang… my finances looking mighty thin…and with blow to ego in tact…HE can’t help me cuz his finances looking mighty thin too. He’s working… I’m working… but…dang… we got just enough to eat at applebee’s or something like that, buy a few DVD’s and have gas money to drive back and forth to see each other. lol. (Kidding...kinda. ) He’s frustrated cuz he can’t help me out. I’m frusturated cuz he can’t help me out. (tell the truth, shame the debbil. ha) And it is taking a toll on our relationship. He wanna move… I wanna move. And as much as I’d LOOOOOOOOVE to share a space with him and save money , I don’t believe in shackin’. Well… actually I do…but I know I’d feel convicted like a mug if I ever really did it. So we’re trying to move close to each other. *sigh* Everything seems hard right now. We’re still cool… there’s no riff in our relationship or anything... we still do our walks in the park and fairy tale candlelight dates, but um …outside circumstances that are making the love we share seem less…. important. Who cares about forehead kisses and cuddling when your water finna (yeah I’m country) get cut off? Who cares if a neegro calls and says “I was thinking ‘bout you”…when you need to pay “the woman” aka.. Sallie Mae like… ASAP. Love ain’t paying my bills. And it shole ain’t payin his!!
Life is interesting. Last year… a girl was PAID. I mean, fo' real, for real. I had a stash. Investments, Savings, Stock...errythang. My account was looking SEXY! And all i was doing was looking for someone to spend it on and with. A year later I got someone and my finances are lookin nastier than lil john’s mouth. *shuttering*
I’m kinda glad we’re facing a lot of our obstacles now. It lets me know what I’m in for should I choose to stay…and likewise it lets him know too. It helps us to learn about each other and the way we live our lives… I’m learning so much about myself…and him. I like it. Of course I’d MUCH rather have a heavy wallet. But hey, life is life. Roll with it.
Not only are the finances looking rugged. But this whole issue with his ex is driving me crazy. I now feel what Brutha was talking about in one of his posts on “THE EX”. His EX is getting on my *insert insurmountable amouts of curse words here* nerves! U.G.H!!! *gritting teeth* She always calling…always texting him….always talking about she and the boy miss him. Okay…it’s been 3 years. He moved to Atlanta to get away from you….he makes you take baby boy to his folks house and then he goes down and pick him up there just to avoid you….word of advice…get over it!! And now that she knows he’s with me…she’s been stepping up her game. I’m not really the jealous type but dang… a lady can only take so much before she straight snap on somebody. Ole girl need to slow her role. *sigh* I hate drama. Aaaaanywho…. It’s all good. Love is strong…but reality is stronger…
This relationship is …thick. It’s...full. Real life shole don't read like Walt Disney's books. But I ain’t giving up cuz thangs are hard…but um… I'm just pissed that "reality" didn’t let me float on cloud 9 too long before it hit. That ain’t cool. lol. And then… a few folks that I happen to let in on a few of my situations with TG say something like… guuuurl, you deserve better than that. Huh? So cuz i told you one bad thang...you know errythang that's going on huh? You can assess the situation by knowing one story huh? And better than what anyways? What does "i deserve better than that" even mean? What’s better? I mean… really…tell me, what do I deserve? I’ve always figured I’d be straight if I found a guy that truly loves me and who has my back in all aspects of the word…who can keep his focus on God first, then me…who can stimulate ever facet of my being… who can get down when it comes to the get down.. who I can trust, talk to, and depend on, and who’s willing to give me 100% of himself. TG is that guy… so…what’s the problem? *blink, blink* Sometimes I think we lose focus. We concentrate on the “WHATS” of people…i.e. he’s older, he’s been married, he’s a parent, he’s yada yada yada... and not the WHO.
Who he is is SOOO much more than those facts. Why doesn’t that matter? *shrug* Dah well... i really don't care about all that. I'm just trying to get myself straight. Wish me luck!
…but it sure helps to have someone to snuggle up against when your lights are off.
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