I feel like a mute. I’m not quite sure why every time I open up my word document full of posts I’ve started…and some I’ve pretty much finished… I never want to go back and finish them or post them. So I scroll down the 15+ pages of different topics I’ve discussed, and find a blank spot to start yet another post that may not make it to the final cut. Then, after a paragraph or so of writing… I look at the computer for a good…3.875 minutes and realize that I’m still not in the mood to tell people what’s been going on with me.
I hate that. I mean…the telling people part. I love that people actually stop by here from time to time just to see if and what I’ve written…but at the same time… the fact that I know people read has dramatically heightened my sensitivity as to what i will and won't write. When I first started. I wrote pretty much everyday… (for real..i did… go see… it’s right over there..)
It didn’t matter what I wrote… I could just say…the weather sucked and be perfectly content with that being my post. lol But the fact of the matter was that back then, I was able to use this space to get my thoughts off my chest no matter how trivial or deep. Now… I find myself doing meme’s… or writing about issues…and articles… and I dunno… stuff that really doesn’t have anything to do with ME just because I don't feel like having to explain what's going on...or for the sake of not sounding whiny and redundant..(even though it's my right to since it's my space). I’m changing that now. Sure… this blog will probably be even more boring…but at least I’ll feel better.
Work
Well… work at the ole office has been slow since the beginning of May. I’m not sure how long this “slump” will last. I feel weird not having anything to do and trying to “look” busy. I know everybody is like… what da heck she doing over there… NOBODY has work to do. lol It’s all good though. Most days I just take on time consuming busy work…like refiling all of the journals and scientific articles we have in our library. lol Or um… going to our online shared files and re-organizing everyones files/work/projects…lol. *sigh* I need a hobby while I’m here. Not having I.M. sucks. L I’m sure it won’t be like this always. Pretty soon I’ll be working on our next fiscal years budget. That ought to keep me busy.
School
*sigh* I really want to go back. I have to get my MPH as well as my PhD in counseling. Unfortunately with the way things have been going with my family… my focus has been on trying to maintain our current lifestyle rather than improving it. Mom’s was making good money at her last job…and I doubt any of us realized just how MUCH her income was needed…nor did we realize just how LONG she was gonna be unemployed. So right now… my dreams are on hold until my family is taken care of. I was confiding in a friend the other day…and he asked me why I stay there… I mean honestly I make more than enough money to take care of me. I could easily move out…and be strizz-8 by myself. But I dunno… I couldn’t do that to my parents. It’s just us 3 and I feel like we are all we have. So I wouldn’t feel right doing good when they are struggling. *smh* Something’s just not right about that.
Actually good news just arrived a few days ago. Mom’s said that she’s gonna go back to work. *doing somersaults, cartwheels and round offs...* Man that’s the best news I’ve heard in a LONG time. *sigh of relief* After approximately 10 LONG months of her chillin at the crib... using up gas going to a "strictly commission" gig that she's NEVER made money with...and her tam'bout "Bear with me ya'll" Mom's finally got a J.O.B. Yes!!!! Maybe I’ll finally be able to start back saving…and not neglecting my own bills for the greater good. Thanks God.
She starts on the 6th and I am soooooooooo amp’d. A real live paycheck…shoot.. *grinning* I may have to hang that thang on the refrigerator.
Health
Well… I haven’t been doing too well. I hate saying that something’s wrong…so I’ll just say that something isn’t quite right. I've been "not quite right" for almost 2 months now. I couldn't take it any longer. I had to know what's going on in my body. Me of all people should no that things don't just "go away"...they get worse if left untreated. So...I went to the doctor this morning to get myself checked out. Doc didn’t seem too concerned after drilling me about my past and my family history…but I dunno… I’ll feel much better when I get my results back. She gave me some stuff to take to get my body back on track. I’m very happy about that. My health is the most important thing i have. TG seems to think my condition might be stress related. I didn’t think so at first…but I really do have a lot going on and it all seems to be taking a toll on me. I'm kinda thinking that he may be right. Stress probably is partly why i'm not doing well. I don’t eat right, don’t take vitamins, don’t sleep right… I’m treating myself kinda bad…and I hate it. I know I need to take a break and just R-E-L-A-X. *taking deep breaths* Hopefully my body and hormones and etc…will resume back to their normal routine soon. At least I’m feeling better… (aside from the strong desire to crawl under my desk and sleep). That’s a start.
Friends
Well… since my detox a few months ago. I haven’t had much to say about this area of my life. All of the leeches and bad seeds were dismissed…leaving me with people who I truly consider friends. There sure aren’t many. lol. A sista be struggling on Saturdays. lol. I’m like…dang…anybody wanna hang? ANYBODY? lol. But it’s all good. I haven’t had that much free time anyways. With TG and I going out every Friday, and all of my bazillion organizations,weddings, groups, bbq's, meetings, engagements, concerts, etc… I hardly have time for “friends” anyways. lol. Besides all my good friends and I just usually talk at church…or via phone during work hours. lol
My best friend’s bridal shower is Sunday and I’m supposed to be in charge of it. *sigh* Lawd..they done messed up. She of all people should have known better than to do that. Sure, I can coordinate my clothes and whatnot...but err uh... I am NOT detail-oriented when it comes to frilly stuff like…decorating and organizing a bridal shower. Uh-Uh. NO.WAY *smh* I almost had a fit when I had to help my mom with her 50th b-day party.. so THIS is driving me INSANE. Hopefully I’ll be able to pull it off. I’ve reserved the hotel…sent out invitation…got someone to do the food…and have the cheesy games we’re supposed to play…but these decorations….????? I have NO clue where to start. I’m lost. lol She really better be glad I love her. *sigh* Real Glad.
Family
Nothing much to say here either. I love my folks…but they still get on my nerves with the overprotection bit. It’s tired now. I’m SOOO ready to move. I think it’ll dramatically improve my relationship with moms. Looks like I may just be getting my wish. *crossing fingers*
Love
Well…TG and I are still kicking it strong. He’s about the only thing that isn’t STRESSING me right now. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that actually cares about my well being. Someone that'll just ask to see you just so ya'll can cuddle and talk face to face. Someone that will let you vent for an hour with out interrupting you OR falling asleep. Someone that truly cares and prays for you and has no problem being open about that. I haven’t had that in a long time… almost 4 years now. It’s nice. Man, God KNEW how much I needed him in my life at this particular time. With my family’s finances stressing me, my health stressing me, this doggone group I’m in stressing me, my co-workers stressing me….etc..etc.. I needed something to keep me from flipping out. And likewise…. He has some issues that I know he’s grateful to have me be there for him with. I really like TG. A LOT. And I really do hope that this is it. BUT if for some reason he’s not my “Ish”… then I’m still glad that he’s here now. And that I’m able to have this wonderful experience of truly seeing how it feels to love someone that loves you back even more. I couldn’t have ask for a better friend, confidant, encourager, and lover of my soul. I’m truly happy in this area of my life.
Alright alright…I’m starting to get mushy…so lemme gone and go.
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