I’m not quite sure where to begin this beautiful hot Friday. Life is interesting right now. So much good…so much bad. So much joy, so much pain. I find life amusing… I mean, how come when it rains, it pours, but never have I had EVERYTHING to line up perfectly when things are going well. It’s like… if one or two of the aspects of my life is going well, then the 3rd one isn’t. And when the 3rd one finally does get better, then the first or 2nd one just gets worse. It’s amazing. I guess I just gotta ride it out. There will be problems. I just gotta make the best of it.
Fortunately for me, the thing which I’ve craved for the last 3 years has finally found me. Because of love, I feel as though I can overcome and conquer the other “not-so-good” areas in my life. Life is………life.
So my mom has just completed her first week of work and I’m sooooooo very proud of her. *clapping* I’ve been extra nice to her. Texting her mid-day to tell her that I love her and I hope her day is going well… making sure I clean up the way SHE likes it….and spending more of my evenings talking to her instead of coming in, going to my space and sealing myself from her and the world. I figured it would make her transition a little easier. NOW that we’ve took a step in the right direction, I gotta figure out a few more things… like… how to get my doggone credit back straight. Her not working hit me big time. A sista gotta duck and dodge the phone nowadays from all the nasty calls about these accruing bills I have neglected. Dang I gotta lot of debt. *smh* I wish I could go redo my college years. I’d stand up to moms more. Yeah… moms is the reason I’m haveing about 95% of my financial problems today. She’s never been good with money, and to “make up for it”, she decided she was gonna “help” me not make the same mistakes she did. In other words… she was gonna get her second chance to make it right for herself. However, all she succeeded in doing was messing mine up just as much as her own. Making me her puppet...charging her tires to my sears card...tricking me into thinking that she was gonna put all her family's christmas gifts on my riches, zales, lerners cards and that SHE'D pay it KNOWING i didn't have no real jobs in college. Yeah she paid it alright. *smirk* I hate that I listened to her. I hate that I didn't just say NO mom, NO! I’m too young to be struggling. I wish I would have just stood up to her and told her to leave my ish alone. Let me do me. But… at that time, I was solely dependant on them for food, shelter, and money. So… I kinda “gave her my birthright for a cup of soup”. Now I wish I hadn’t. But you live and you learn. I know now that when moms says something about helping me…and it has to do with money… just run the other way. FULL.SPEED. lol. She meant well but daaaang. *smh*
*sigh* Sooooooooo now… I’m starting over. And it’s really hard. Because for the last few years, I was progressing nicely. Taking care of bills…paying stuff off… saving… I mean.. .ya girl was doing it WAY big. But um… well …after her work hiatus… things just….. dropped…..stopped….. depleted….dwindled….reversed…. etc. My need to do what was best for the family actually really hurt what was best for ME. So now...i'm delayed in my "house buying" project. My credit is too bad for all that now. So *sigh* here i am. Sway.... a statistic.
And to top it all off... I wanna move out. MORE than ever before. I gotta go. I.GOTSTA.GO. So of course me moving out is gonna put an even bigger burden on me… because of my current fincancial situation. Well... i doubt i'd be paying OUT more because really, I’ve been giving my folks just as much a month as I would if I just got my own spot…and maybe even more…
The burden is that… what if they still need my help with the bills? And also…well…my momma is MAD crazy when it comes to me. I mean she does NOT want me to leave. EVER! Okay…maybe that’s an exaggeration. She wants me to leave when I get married….but not one day sooner. I can’t do it. So she'll be worrying me all the time and I know when i tell her i'm moving, it might put a strain on our relationship for a second. I can see it now.
Me: mom, I'm moving.
Her: Whuuuut? *frowning* Moving? You don't need to move now. It's not a good idea.
Me: Why?
Her: You got all these bills you need to pay. Lemme get on my feet so i can help. Then you can get a few properties so you can have some incoming coming in...THEN if you wanna move... move.
Me: *thinking- you've been saying this ish since i was 18...i'm tired of waiting..and since you done messed up OUR credit, neither one of us can afford to get no doggone properties, so leeeee'me 'lone.* Uh... well you can still help. But i need to move.
Her: Well fine then, *getting an attitude* You grown...do what u want. But i ain't helping. *stompin off and giving me the silent treatment*
Me: *feeling bad*
Yup...that's pretty much how i see it going. Well that's the more tame version anyways. lol. And lets not mention dating. Dating outta her house is crazy. I can't do it anymore. I’ve been wanting OUT of their house since I moved back in. And I’m afraid if I don’t go now… I won’t go. So pray for me. I gotta go. Even though it’s gonna be hard trying to play “catch up” and put some doggone furniture in the house… I gotta do it.
Then there’s TG….and his situation is…….. “special” too. lol. Taking on his set of issues and problems is taking just as much out of me as my own problems. I guess cuz his problems are my problems… and vice versa. I’m not quite sure how things got so serious so fast. I went in slow… I really did. Slow, steady, and sensible… that was my motto. I repeated it on the regular…but somehow… “the forces” pulled me in. *ha- I feel like I’m a star wars extra or something…t-h-e f-o-r-c-e-s…lol*
But it’s crazy…it’s like…we just…clicked… it just…works… it just …is… we just…ARE.
No matter how much I pump the brakes… it’s still hard to stop this explosion of togetherness. I can’t stop his feelings…and I can’t stop mine. And I’m not sure if I wanna. Even though we both have our own set of issues….baggage… whatever… we’ve kinda started tackling them head on. Ain’t no (yes I did just say ain’t no…and? so what?) meeting each others “representative” like so many of us do when we first began dating someone. He and I... well we both were pretty much like… "aight this is me…and this is what I got going on." We’ve already talked about finances, credit, issues with his little one…his ex’s…my ex’s… our living arrangement, hang-ups, our political views, religious views, habits, long and short term goals, family, and etc.
I mean… it’s like… I already know more about him than I knew about 96% of my ex’s. It’s scary…but it’s also very calming. I know up front what I’m getting into…and no it’s not all glitz and glamour, and lovey, dovey moonlight walks after candlelight dinners. Sometimes, it’s some… dang.my.ex.wife.is.effin.up.her.finances.and.her.lights.are.off.though.i.
would.normally.say.oh.well.but.she.has.my.child.so.i.gotta.deal.with.her.
til.i.get.custody. type ish going on. But… hey that’s what I said I’ll deal with when I signed up to be his “one and only”. At least I knew before hand.
And likewise…I got my set of “stuff” that I’ve kinda dumped on him too. I KNOW he’s probably like… daaaaaaaaang… I don’t think I signed up for this. lol. But that’s the way it is. Both of us looking at each other like… “you still here? After all you know?” lol.
It’s all good though. Life is…… life. I can’t complain. I’m glad to be living.
Happy Friday!
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