LIFE

Life amuses me. It's amazing how simple words, gestures, and thoughts at any given time on any given day can completely change your life.

Lately I've been having those life changing words, gestures and thoughts. I would say for the last week or so, I really haven't been my usual self. I mentioned briefly yesterday about the emotional roller coaster i've been on. It's been along time coming. I spoke of going on a journey in this post... and honestly, i think this ride has finally come to an end.

I think I got on this coaster knowing that it would be over way before I was ready for it to... but I was too excited about the ride to NOT get on it, and to excited to worry about all of "side effects". So I got on, and I enjoyed every minute of the ride, except for the jerky ending... it kinda hurt...but now that the ride has stopped...and i have to exit... well, it's kinda left me sad. I knew it would, but I had to ride it anyways. At least I can look back and reminisce on how wonderful I felt while zooming so high above the trees. I'm grateful for that. And I'm now ready to move on.

Oh.... totally off of that subject but, what on EARTH was this lady thinking about:

Teacher Jailed After Fistfight With Pupil's Mother : Parent Ends Up in Emergency Room MACON, Ga. (Oct. 22) - A teacher-parent brawl in front of 19 fourth-grade pupils sent a mother to the emergency room and the teacher to jail. Teacher Katrina Ann Rucker, 30, is charged with battery and cruelty to children for allegedly beating a parent who tried to retrieve her daughter's book bag. According to police interviews, parent Lurella Amica went to Bruce-Weir Elementary School Thursday morning to deliver a note to her 9-year-old daughter. At the classroom door, the girl told her mother that Rucker had thrown her bag in the trash can, the report stated. Amica entered the classroom and tried to get the book bag, but Rucker grabbed for it and the two struggled, the report said. After Amica wrestled the bag away, police say Rucker picked up a chair and hit her in the back, knocking Amica to the floor. Rucker then began punching Amica in the face and body. During the fight, the girl was reportedly crying for her teacher to stop hitting her mother and ran up to them. Rucker then allegedly hit the child, pulled her hair and pushed her out of the way before starting to strike the mother again. Rucker dragged Amica by the hair outside the classroom, according to the report. "A school administrator and another teacher had to pull the teacher off the mother," Macon police spokeswoman Melanie Hofmann said. In Rucker's account of the story, she said Amica hit her hand during the initial struggle, Hofmann said. "The teacher said she was defending herself because she gets a shot in that hand and it hurt," Hofmann said. Amica was in stable condition in the emergency room of The Medical Center of Central Georgia late Thursday night. Rucker was placed on administrative leave. Sylvia McGee, Bibb County's deputy superintendent, said school staff called the parent or guardian of each child in the class. Social workers counseled students, and only Amica's daughter left school early...


Okay it isn't the entire story...but you get the point. I was so confused after reading this ish. I mean WHAT was she thinking about? In front of the children?? What is up with that? I mean, What was in that back pack that was worth fighting over? That article blew my mind. Ole teach was "bout it". I bet NOBODY gonna ever talk back to her in a teacher-parent conference again. lol


Anywho... I think i need to do an "Updates" post. I have been so caught up with work. I haven't really got a chance to keep you informed with the happenings. Lemme see... so i won't forget... i'm gonna give you a rundown of what i need to tell ya'll about....i'll link them so you can remember a little somethin somethin about what i've previously said about them. lol

* AM- i know i haven't talked about him since what... july? lol
* RH and
*my first love, Gerard, a guy named Talvis, and KS (which are all in the same post.)


and some new stuff...
* My best friend, Biah
* My crazy neighbors
* the little boy in my neighborhood that got ran over and
* the co-worker who has FINALLY worked my LAST nerve

Ps.. Oh yeah... and i posted a few pics from my momma's 50th birthday party...along with my cousin a few weeks before delivering Zoe. I still gotta get pictures of Zoe. For some reason all the pics I took of her already came out so blurry you couldn't really see anything. So go go my pics page. Enjoy.

*and um... and i am REALLY dissapointed in my Falcons getting SPANKED like that sunday. *wiping away tears*

Starting Fresh

Um...why are there foot prints on my desk?

I come in today and I plop my things on my desk and I realize that there are footprints ON my desk. Not just one either. It looks like the janitors or somebody just went to ragtopping on my desk! I'm like, wth? I'm going over to other co-workers desks and seeing if I see any Brogain marks on their desk. Nope just mine. What's that about? I'm just really irritated about this seeing how I made SURE I cleaned my officle really really good last friday so that I could come back to a calm, clean environment. I mean, my whole purpose for cleaning it this well was to come back to something positive. Ugh. *sigh* Oh well. Guess I can't control everything huh?

Anywho.... moving on.....my weekend was rather uneventful to the natural eye...but I tell you.....ya girl has been on an emotional rollercoaster for real. I was NOT expecting to go through that many emotions last week. I mean, I tired myself out really. I spent most of the week and weekend trying to sort through these sudden feelings and emotions about various things. Fortunately for me, halfway into my "self-analysis" I was interrupted by my best friend and her problems and floods of emotion. Which helped get my mind off of me. I'm very happy about that because, after dealing with her problems all weekend. I began to realize, hey, I'm good. So I'm feeling great today! I'm thankful for a new day, a new week, and a positive attitude to start it all of with. I have alot I want to write about, but I GOTTA get the morning work out of the way. So I will finish a little later.

Feeling Funny

I guess I am a moody person. Most people don't see the changes. I guess only those people who are extremely close to me do I feel comfortable enough with to truly let my guard down around. To be honest, it's about 3 people in this world right now that I can say fits that bill. And only 1 person that I can think of to date that have seen all sides of me, and that person isn't even in my family.

I guess it's because I'm always so happy, and free-spirited, and chipper, so most people would never imagine that I have problems, or get depressed. They can't fathom that I have been through some difficult situations. They don't see the pain inside. I guess I like it that way. I never want to be thought of as melancholy. Yet on the flipside, it kind of irks me when there IS something bothering me, but I can't let it out because everyone EXPECTS Sway to be in good spirits at all times.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything now. It's just that lately I've been thinking alot about the people in my life and how some of them really stiffle me as a person. I don't mind being put in a box...what i do mind is when you label that box wrong... or when the box isn't big enough to contain me. I think it's time for me to do some cleaning. I really need to rid myself of some of the people I associate with. I don't mind people looking to me for an ego stroke, or an encouraging word, or a listening ear... Lord knows that's my calling. lol. I've been told by many many people that I have a extraordinary gift of making people feel special. (though sometimes it has gotten me in some major trouble) But what happens when the ego stroker/word giver/listening ear needs a listening ear/a word given/a stroked ego? It's amazing how there's no one around to reciprocate the things you give. I have a lot of love and energy inside that's bursting to come out, but i've realized that freely giving without any receiving makes for a "burnt out" individual. I'm starting to feel that burn out. I'm starting to feel the effects of pouring my life's energy into everyone, but not ever getting that energy back. It's like... i dunno.. like spending a millionaire's outcome with a McDonald's income. Who does that? Who would go spend $1000 a night to sleep in a hotel when they only make $300 a week? I've realized, that's pretty much what i've been doing with myself...i've been giving myself away and not receiving nothing comparable to what i've given. So as of today, I'm going to start gently removing the leeches from my person. Everyone that sucks the life out of me, i will no longer be available to. I need to stay around people who will help build me up. Positive people... people who can speak life into me. Hopefully this time next month, I can happily say that my life is purified of all those who don't add to me in some way.

When the cat's away...the mice will play..

My boss isn't here today. *jumping up and down with glee*

So I get to pitter pat on the keyboard for a little while before heading back to meeting deadlines. lol.. It's so much easier to take a break and blog when you don't have "Boss of the Century" breathin down your neck all day. So i figured I'd just ramble a little today because well... because i can. Actually I got a few things I wanna say...I hope the person in this first story doesn't get offended cuz I'm about to put him on blast. lol

I don’t get to meet very many new people these days. It seems that work, the gym, church, and home are the only four places I EVER go. lol. That isn’t really a good thing for a single woman who loves to meet new and exciting people. So you must understand my excitement when I say that I met one of the sweetest, warmest people yesterday evening while I was doing what I do and it’s funny because I met him first through blogging. :)

When I stared this blog last November, I never thought I’d have actual viewers/readers. I didn’t really know anything about the wonderful world of blogging. I knew nothing of blog circles...and having dailies that you link on the side... or comments sections... lol All I knew is that I needed an outlet and this was a wonderful way to start. I never thought I’d keep it up because honestly, I’m really bad at sticking to things. But lo and behold… I’ve found a passion… blogging is wonderful. So as the months flew by, I began to see how much of a community this really is. I feel like I know some people here better than I do at work… or even at church.

Speaking of church… that’s where my “online friend” and I met. He surprised me by showing up to Bible Study last night. And the funny thing about it is that I plopped right down in the pew behind him and had no clue that it was him. lol. In person, he’s just as warm and illuminating as he is on his blog. That’s a great quality you know, to be able to come across so wonderful and warm in all situations and circumstances. He finally told me who he was after a good 30-45 minutes of us sitting in such close proximity to each other. He was like “~~Sway~~?” And I looked puzzled probably for a minute or two (or three..lol), because I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to know who he was or not. I mean, he obviously knew me… and called my entire first name out... so I felt really bad for not knowing him. Of course he put me out of my misery by smiling and introducing himself…. “I’m KJD”.

It’s definitely good to finally put a face and voice with the inspirational words I read on a daily basis. I really enjoyed the chat we had after church. Unfortunately I was kinda trying to get out of there because... well... um... ya’ll remember I told you about the “matchmakers” at my church… well they were swarming around and they looked as if they were gonna start asking questions and I definitely didn’t want to put either him OR meyself in an embarrassing situation. lol I finally got them to leave the whole "Bimp" situation alone... so I don't wanna have them plotting and scheming again. lol. Anywho.. thanks KJD, it was truly an honor to meet you.



Moving on to other news…

I will be singing backup for a new and upcoming artist this Saturday at 5:30 in Stonecrest Mall. She and I have worked on numerous projects together in the past, and since she’s decided to go to the next level I her career, I decided to fully support her in whatever way I can. Her name is Janae and she is a wonderful, powerful singer. Here's one of her songs (click here) If you’re in the Atlanta area and have nothing else to do Saturday around that time... please come out and hear us aight! Yup!

Oh… and what’s up with this up Lloyd Banks thing? The first time I heard about it was yesterday through Grayse. Let’s just say that I WASN'T expecting to see what I saw. After my shock.. I just HAD to ask someone else about it.. (okay well some would probably say I just had to TELL someone else about it…but that’s neither here nor there. lol) So I decided to see what BG had to say about it since we were already in mid-IM. So I forwarded the link and of course BG, (who knows everything *insert eye roll* lol) was like… “that’s not Lloyd.. it’s this guy . Either way.. I think it’s so friggin nasty.

In fact.. I just lost my appetite… and that’s not good since I just gave blood and I NEED to eat something. Anywho.. I gotta get back to my day.. I think I did enough rambling. Gone.


" Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. "
~Psalm 3:74

I really....

miss writing. Though I don’t consider myself a writer even in the smallest sense of the word… I have grown attached to this blogging thing. It helps me on so many levels. And as work has increased, so has my social life and many other exciting events that I’m sure I’ve failed to mention. Plus I still haven’t posted pictures of my mom’s 50th birthday celebration… or my cousin’s baby shower. Oh yeah… my cousin finally had Zoe! Yup. A beautiful baby girl…with a HEAD full of silky straight HAIR. My goodness that girl is so pretty. I took pictures of them both last week. (She was born Oct. 1st) Sooooo I’m trying to be good and get those developed too. I am the WORST at getting some pictures developed. Lol. It’s ridiculous really. Lol. Saturday, I took 4 rolls to be developed. I had NO IDEA what was on two of those rolls..lol. They are probably from last year.. or maybe even the year before. *shaking head and looking shame-faced* But yeah, that’s something I’m working on. *sigh* Anywho… I HOPE to have all of those pics up within the next two weeks. Ya’ll hold me to it okay??

Well hmmm…where should I start. I dunno. Hmm... let’s go back to a few weekends ago when BG and I went to Jekyll Island. Yes we went to a beach in October! It was wonderful. Less people, more beach for us. I must say, I enjoyed myself. BG and I headed down Friday night for what was one of the best road trips ever. I had gummy bears… which are my version of “Scooby snacks” So I was pretty Amp’d the whole ride down. BG is GREAT for driving all the way down and back. Man, I was glad that I didn’t have to drive. *letting out a big whew!* And BG’s definitely great company!! lol We sung, danced, and laughed all the way down. It was cool. Our room was wonderful. We had a Jacuzzi in our room that could fit 4 people in it! You KNOW I had to get up in that. I wish I could go back just for the Jacuzzi experience. Lol. The room was an ocean front room, which I LOVED… so when I woke up in the mornings, I’d just go over to the window and look at the ocean. It was very relaxing. We really didn’t have an agenda. We just wanted to g e t a w a y… and it was a wonderful weekend getaway if I do say so myself. We didn’t take pictures… even though both of us agreed that we probably should have. But at least we have our memories…and um… I have a small bump on my head…(no, I don’t wanna tell ya’ll how I bumped it. lol) But nevertheless… all will bring a big smile to my face every time I reminisce about it.

Well I figured I’d have more time to write… but I have to cut this short so that I can run to the bank before my lunch break is over. So hopefully I’ll be able to catch up on this later. Gone.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
~Gandhi


{Edit : Man, look at this... isn't this disguisting !!! If you can't cook, you might wanna learn cuz I'm not feeling this!!(http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/13/picadilly.recall.ap/index.html) End Edit}

Becoming Whole... (healthy, happy, and holy)

It has become my morning ritual to turn on the Potter’s House while I’m getting ready for work. I’ve found that it’s a wonderful way to start my day. I get in a little daily Word, then I get in my car and pray, and then I get my praise on. There’s nothing like starting your day off right by thanking God for allowing you to get up that morning, and be in your right mind, and have activities and use of all your limbs and bodily functions, and having somewhere to sleep, something to eat, something to put on, and I thank Him for letting me know that it is Him who keeps me. We take so much for granted. I’m just grateful to have the opportunity to open my mouth in the mornings to say thanks because someone didn’t have that opportunity. Some one didn’t wake up this morning. Anyways…I didn’t mean to get all preachy. lol. So…

As I was driving to work this morning, I began thinking about what this lady on the Potter’s House said this morning. She was talking about how most of us focus on either one or two entities of our “being” instead of all three. I began to think about that. God has created us with 3 entities that define us as humans: our spirit, our soul, and our body.While some people would argue that our three entities are MIND, body, and soul, I beg to differ. I think the Body… or flesh part of us is the natural/physical/carnal/secular part of us. This shell that we call a body pretty much is self explanatory. It is of the earth and will ultimately go back to the earth. Honestly our body is the least important part of who we are, if you ask me. It’s used the most, but it’s the most dispensible. It’s dust. We will remain “beings” even after our body is gone.


The Spirit we possess comes from the unseen...the Spiritual Realm. We are born with a sinful nature... a worldly spirit. As we get older, we begin to possess the fruits of that worldly spirit: (sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies)(Gal 5:19-21) But when we choose to have a relationship with God, He gives us the Holy Spirit as a gift, and we began to possess the fruits of His Spirit: (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control)(Gal 5:22-23).

The Soul is what we generally think of as the true “US”. This engulfs our mind, our personality, our emotions/feelings, and everything else that makes us uniquely us! This is the part of us that decides what the body will do. It also decides which Spirit it will be lead by. The soul is what I think goes on after the body goes to the ground. I always think of the soul like… like the ego. You remember learning about the Id, Ego, and Superego right. (say yes, say yes!! lol) The body/flesh is like the Id. It seeks pleasure. It doesn’t care about right or wrong…it just wants what it wants. Then there’s the Spirit…which is like the SuperEgo… that gives us the “ideal”. It shows us what could be and what we “should do”. Then the Soul is like the Ego. It’s in the middle. It’s the “final decision maker”.

I think that once the Soul makes a decision, then the Spirit determines what the Soul does, and the Soul determines what the Body does.

Have I lost ya’ll yet? lol. Ya’ll know I’m a passionate God lover and a thinker who happens to be a psychology major AND has a LOT of time on her hands during her lunch break!! lol.

Alright lemme get back to my original point because all of that was pretty much not what I was trying to talk about! lol.

Now, we are made of Body Spirit and Soul right? Right. ( just go with me… I’m on a roll here.. lol)
Well God also created us to experience/know 3 (God loves the number 3...lol) worlds as well: The spiritual world, the psychological world, and the material world. These worlds can also be called: the world above us, the world within us, and the world around us, respectively.
Sometimes these three worlds are hard to live in simultaneously. You know.. like some of us work on our bodies in the gym all day long and we got about 3 or 4 degrees on our wall and making that 6 figure cheddar…but we are still unhappy inside because our spiritual life is in shambles. Which is why so many people feel empty and have no peace when they lay their “fine” bodies in their “silk” covered king size beds. Or some of us are at peace with our relationship with God and we’re steadily growing in Him, and He’s blessing us with the power to get wealth, so we’re prospering, but um, our body looks a hot mess. We don’t take care of our hygiene, or we are under/over weight, or we’re putting ourselves at risk for heart disease, cancer, diabetes etc… It’s like, we’ll work on one or two areas in our life, but working on all three simultaneously is too much of a hassle. But honestly when one is not right, the others are affected. That is why knowing Christ is so important. In Christ, we are rightly related to all worlds!!!

When we rightly relate our bodies (flesh) to the material world, we are healthy. We work it out, eat right, stay active, keep our hygiene up and etc. We look good and feel good just as God intended. When we rightly relate our soul to the psychological world we are happy. When our mind is at peace with what we are doing , when we make the right decisions about life, and when we know that no matter what, God is going to work it out for us, we stay happy just as God intended. And when we rightly relate our spirit to the spiritual world, we are Holy. When our soul chooses to listen to the Holy Spirit, we become Holy. Our Soul and Body submit itself to God just as God intended. So as we work on ourselves each day, let's try to remember that it is God's will for all of our lives that we ultimately experience all three worlds/realities with the best possible results: Health, Happiness, and Holiness. Only then can we become WHOLE.

There's so much I can and desire to write about today. I have topics piled up from things that happened 2 and 3 weeks ago. But God is leading me another way today. I don't know who this is for... maybe it's just for me only, but I will be obedient and post this wonderful story. So enjoy.


Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.
Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my dad wouldn't
let me go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret while other's can be readily seen by all. But, some wounds, my friend, are there because God has refused to let you go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget
that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.
So be grateful that you're still alive, though you may have scars, remember you could've been dead and gone.

Psalms 34:19
Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.


Rom 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who have been called according to His purpose.

Is it me....???

Okay.. help me out people …Is it me…. or isn’t it a little weird to PROPOSE TO SOMEONE VIA EMAIL???? How do you ask someone to marry you via email?? WTH? What is that?? I’m confused. Help me out here. Please.

Okay so last Thursday I come to work in a pretty good mood. I had a good night’s rest. I got up happy and ready for my day. I get to my desk, turn on my computer…thinking about nothing much really. I go through my usual routine…sign onto my work email, then my Yahoo IM…and then go get milk from the cafeteria. So I come back, start checking my email and getting my cereal ready. I see that I have an Email from TD…which is a surprise because his emails are far and few between. So I’m like..huh… lemme see what TD talking about. Why do I open his mail and read this:

Whats up baby how are you? I miss you so much swayla swayla. I never thought i would miss you this much. Here is a question if i ask to marry you will you move to Texas? I've been thinking about it a lot lately and i want you here with me. There's nobody here that compares to you and I'm ready to settle down with you. I am coming home in November, so think about it. I will ask you officially when i get there. love you baby. one.

Alrighty… so as I’m cleaning up the spilled milk off my desk from the laughter and shock I had reading his email. I begin thinking… why on EARTH would he email me a question like that?? yeah… he said he’ll ask officially when he comes to visit his family here in Atlanta. But why the email? Why couldn’t he call? Or even just wait until he got here and bring it up face to face? I mean either way, the answer is no. Hmmm. Maybe that’s why he did it that way. He knew I’d be like "what? marriage? You and me? Hahaha." I guess even the confident ones hate looking like an idiot. But why would he want for us to get married anyways. I mean… I told you guys about the last time we were together right… (click here). It was wonderful! He seemed like he really changed. But that’s not enough for me to want to drop everything I’ve got going here and run to texas to marry him. And I’m sure he couldn’t possibly believe that one night made up for all the many things he put me through when we were together or for everything else I know about him. I mean I am not that desperate to get married. I’m not desperate at all actually. I know that there is someone out there better suited for me than him. I just don’t understand why he would want to settle down with me and we’ve been broken up for over a year now. It’s confusing.


Okay is it me… or do gay guys in the church LOVE to sing in the choir and shout as soon as they hear some fast music? I went to an album release concert & party Friday night with my friend Bo. He and I got there early so we got good seats. After about 15 minutes of us talking and clowning around, I begin to realize that there was a surplus of guys at this here concert. Then I began to realize they were all together… and feminine looking. I mean, these men were prettier than I was...and i don't consider myself an ug-mug at all!! They were all coupled up...but trying not to look coupled up. lol 2 will sit here... 4 there... 2 more a few rows back.. i was like what is really going on!!! I mean I have no problem with gay people… they cool with me…u do you... let me do me... however...if they ask me how i feel about the subject.. i'mma have to tell them what the Word says. Anywho... it was just crazy to look around and see so many of them up in church. I find that if one’s around.. then 498503843 are around. If the choir director or head musician is gay...then there's gonna be plenty in the choir. lol. They definitely stick together. Anywho… when the choirs got up to sing I realized why soooo many gay guys were in the audience. EVERY GUY up in those choirs were “sugary”. I thought it was funny. They really like singing. And lawd when that fast music came on…they were the only ones running around the church. It was interesting. Definitely a sight to see.


Is it me… or has Blackplanet been dishing out a surplus of Viagra notes? Everytime I log on… I have like 56784 notes with “Cheap Viagra” as the topic. I’m like… huh? Do I LOOK like I need Viagra?? Ugh!


Is it me… or is Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead the same doggone movie??? I went to see Resident Evil with BG (whom I have yet to mention to you guys…and I don’t know when I will…but remember the initials) and I honestly had NO IDEA what it was gonna be about. I just wanted to see him and get out the house…so when he suggested it…I was like… Okay! But when I got there and the movie came on and everything.. I was like um… this is Dawn of the Dead. They had the same ole walking dead things that ate people and roamed the streets. So you’d think I wouldn’t be scared because I’ve “seen” this before. Ahhh.. wrong!! My behind was all up under BG…holding onto him as if my life depended on it. I closed my eyes a few times too. Those things looked gross. I guess I’m a little scary. lol.

Alright…well.. I need to get some work done. I guess I’ll write again later on this week. Gone.

"I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details. " ~Einstein

Give thy thoughts no tongue ~ Shakespeare

I think a lot.

Everyone that has ever spent time with me knows that I often stare into space…thinking…wondering… imagining. The sad thing is that none of the things I think ever hardly connect with each other. They are totally random thoughts …just swimming around up there... only to be broken by an outside voice asking me... "Sway...what are you thinking about". I usually say a lot... and leave it at that. Theres no way i could even begin to discuss the 590823 things that run through my mind at any given second. But I guess today I just feel like sharing some of them.

*** I feel that the best part of event is the time leading up to it. I guess the suspense…anticipation…excitement of something can sometimes be so great that the actual “climax” of the situation is kinda overshadowed. Especially since I am a dreamer. My imaginations of how wonderful an event is going to be usually is way better than the actual event. I guess sometimes the thought of something is better than that actual something. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes the event could be exactly how I imagined…but now it’s over and done with…and there’s nothing left to get excited about. It’s like, you think all day and all night about something…then once it’s here, it’s over very quickly (in comparison to how long it took to get here) and then it’s down hill from there. Like Christmas… we spend months preparing for this ONE DAY. Not to say Christmas isn’t a wonderful event because it is…but starting from thanksgiving…the spirit of Christmas is steadily building. It’s like…well for me and my family anyways, everyone is in a great mood. We’re reflecting on the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior and we’re remembering what He did for us. We’re extra sensitive to being kind and giving and etc… and its soooo great. But it seems like at MIDNIGHT on Christmas day…all the lights…and happiness and songs and hand holding etc.. is over. It’s done with.. There is no cool down. No tapered end. It’s just over… cold turkey. It’s like that with everything in my experience: Prom…. First kisses… First sexual encounter… College…Parties…etc. It doesn’t matter… it seems like you are all excited and hyped about it… dreaming of how it’s gonna be… preparing for it… waiting…anticipating… etc… then it comes… and then it’s over… who cares about prom after it’s over? There’s nothing left to look forward to. I guess I said all of this to say… I’m scared to get married. What if the best part of marriage is the time before it happens? Ya know... like the anticipation of meeting your husband...dating him and wondering if he'll ever propose and then having him propose and planning the wedding...then having the wedding and going on your honeymoon...? What if that's the best part? What if it’s all down hill from there? What if right now… the unknown...the uncertaincy…the anticipation of when, who, where, how… is the best part of my love life?

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. - Einstein

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***I really enjoyed the game last night…though staying up so late is really taking its toll on me right now. I didn’t know who to root for. I like them both equally. Besides the Falcons, the Vikings and Eagles are my two favorite teams. It was a pretty good game… except for the fact that Culpepper can seem to hold on to the ball during CRUCIAL times. I mean, you are what… 3 yards a way from a TD and you get RIGHT THERE TO THE LINE.. I mean RIGHT ON THE LINE.. and fumble. Ugh. I was kinda upset with him about that. I think they said he’s had 69 fumbles in 60 games. lol. That is retarded! lol. Oh well though.. I really didn’t care who won…so hey….Yeah Eagles. But to be honest, I guess I’m glad the Eagles won at home home because their fans be off da FRIGGIN CHAIN. Philly fans are interesting. They be so crunk.

"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm"--Abraham Lincoln

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***I was looking at this show called The Potter’s House before work this morning and Bishop Jakes was talking to men about how to be men and the issues men face and etc. All I can say is… Bishop Jakes brought up a lot of issues men deal with and it really opened my eyes on men and what they go through and their mentality about things. I know you’re probably wondering why I was watching a men’s conference. Well…a few weeks ago they had a women conference where all the women talked about issues…and how to be a good wife and a mother without compromising who they are as individuals and wonderful powerful strong women. The women’s conference was powerful and I learned a lot from it, but I distinctly remember saying, “If only the men would listen to this, they would understand us so much better …” So when I saw that the men’s conference was coming this week… I decided that I would take my own advice and try to understand them. Now these were not just ANY men. These were powerful church leaders/figures…strong Christian men…fathers… husbands…CEO’s of powerful companies…etc. The men on the panel were men who knew some things. So they enlightened me on a lot of the issues men face. I mean, some of the things I already knew…but still they brought even more light to subjects I was aware of from jump. Example…

As babies and children, men are taught to suck it up. They may be bleeding from the head, but what does daddy say, “aw boy, you’ll be alright. Stop all that crying.” As children they are often told… be a man, be tough… don’t let them see you sweat… boys don’t cry…. keep it together…etc… And they grow up feeling as if showing their emotions or hurt or pain is wrong. Somehow if they “feel” things…they are now less of a man. They aren’t allowed to cry…they can’t talk about their feelings… yet we as women…expect them somehow to be sensitive creatures when they become our husbands or boyfriends. We expect them to tell us what’s wrong and pour their heart out to us. You can’t just undo what’s been done their entire lives. It takes time. There are years of holding back, holding in, channeling… trying to “keep it together” … working within him. I never thought about it quite like that. And then we catch attitudes when they don’t pour out their feelings like we do… and it seems that the only emotion that they can muster up is Anger. Their hurt and pain is surfaced through misplaced anger. I dunno… I can go on and on about that… Of course not ALL men are like that… but it was interesting to hear how strongly society shapes us and plays a major role in the people we are today.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation"
- Oscar Wilde


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***The fall does interesting things to me. It’s almost like I can smell love in the air. I’ve always associated fall with the beginning of school (of course)… football…band…and love. Why love. I’m not sure. Spring is my favorite season…and it’s also when the MOST interesting things in my life has happened…good and bad, yet fall is when I reminisce about my life experiences. I began thinking about how happy I usually am around this time. I have good memories of walks in the park… wind blowing through my hair… kisses…hugs… whispers of “I love you”… it’s only in the fall I remember these things. And then I get extra mushy... and whomever I’m with at the time (if anyone) has to put up with me wanting to do all of these romantic things. lol. It stops after Christmas though.. lol. For some reason, the New Year calls for a new attitude. I don’t really do resolutions… but I do stop being all mushy and lovey dovey.
Well I guess we’ll see what wonderful exciting memories this Fall will bring me.

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."-Alexander Smith

Are you ready for some football!!!!!!

Yesssss siiiiiirrrrrrr... it's official....

I WILL be GLUED to the tv this monday night for the showdown. It's goinz down..... two outta of my three alltime favorites will be playing each other. EAGLES vs. VIKINGS... McNabb vs. Culpepper. Moss... Owens... ahhh.. how wonderful!! Aren't you excited!! Oh.. well.. sorry. I was.

Anywho... I'll move on... but just know I'm SUPER CRUNK about this game.

No wait... I just gotta say one more thing about Football! ALL MY TEAMS WON sunday! Anyone that knows me know that I am completely crazy about the falcons and have been since what... Chris Miller was the QB. *lol* So I'm glad to see them whip up on the 49ers Sunday! It did my heart good. Yay!

Aight... moving on. I was just listening to that new Destiny's Child song. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, I like the band and all. I'm a sucker for some drums... whew lawd. I guess those days on Drum Core and Dance Team really hold a special place in my heart. But i dunno.. the beat sounded kinda off to me... bootleg even. I dunno. Maybe it'll grow on me.

I am soooooooo not excited about Hurricane Ivan. Ugh! I was supposed to be going to six flags friday night/saturday morning.. (Midnight on friday till 7am saturday) but now I dunno since I looked at the forcast for friday and it said heavy rains and winds. I'm not trying to be on the raggedy ole Scream Machine when Ivan is roaring his ugly head. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen with our six flags trip.

All I know is... I'm not trying to be on bed rest for 3 days like I was last year after riding the "Superman" ride. lol.

Anyways... i didn't really have much to say today.. and plus work has finally picked up at the ole office...so I'm not trying to write a novel today anyways...
Gone.

"Rules are made to be broken...but hearts are not." ~ Me

Chyno...Shaq...Beef...and Journeys

aight... i'm mad. the haters voted Chyno off. I'm ashamed to say that i watch this stupid show...but after I saw Chyno on there...i had to watch just to get a glimpse of the sexiness... look at him!! ---> (Chyno)<---- And this pic...doesn't even do him justice. Ole girl was mad when they voted him off to. *haha* The game ain't gonna be the same now. I prolly won't even watch that mess anymore. (prolly will *haha*)

Speakin of mess... WHY did I hear Shaq rappin again on the Ryan Cameron Morning show? Ugh. Some people should just stick to basketball. I mean, he isn't horrible...but still, I wasn't feelin it. Then of course they kept playing the part where he was talking about Kobe. I think he said something to the fact of Him being like Puffy and Kobe's like Mase. haaaaaaaaa. At any rate... i think all this beef is crazy. Kobe is Kobe... Shaq is Shaq... why we gotta compare? Why must there be beef.

Speakin of beef, I've been thinking alot lately about going back to my old tradition of not eating any red meat. I did it for about 8 years and I just realized that I was soooo fine back then. *haha* I was cut.. like whoa. Of course I didn't think that then, but looking back on my pics... I wasn't bad at all. I'm trying to get there again. I don't eat that much red meat now anyways..so it shouldn't really be that big of a deal. I'll let you know how that goes.

Speaking of going, I really think I'm going on a journey I wasn't expecting. Okay... I never meant for this blog to be a journal about my dating life... but it kinda is huh.. lol. *you better not agree... stop shaking your head yes... i mean it!* So now, I feel compelled to share my dating experiences here... which is weird because I don't feel compelled to share anything else in my life here...but anywho..i digress. Back to this journey.... I have a friend. His name will remain a secret until further notice. *lol* But this guy ...i'm not quite sure what to say about him. Before we met, he was an enemy. See...we went to rival schools. In fact... We still hate each other for that. *lol* But once we met... our souls found playmates. We immediately took a liking to each other... and i was at my silliest when i was around him. He became one of my best friends. It was amazing. He offered to be my "big brother"...and I was loving it. I felt comfortable around him. And in little time... he learned more about me than some of the people that have known me for years and years. I began to relax around him, because he saw my MANY MANY flaws... yet he still stayed around. I found it easy to open up to him and just be plain ole Sway... the chipper Sway, the silly Sway, the talkative Sway... just Sway. And there we were together... just crusin along... on parallel streets going no where in particular.
Then one day it changed. Just like that I looked at him and saw something ...different... unique. I didn't just see a big brother. anymore. I didn't just see someone who makes me laugh and who i can be completely goofy around without wondering if he's gonna stop talking to me. I saw Him for ALL he was... and it was both wonderful and scary. I looked down and realized that we weren't on parallel roads at all...we were on the same road...and it felt like we were cruisin because he was carrying me the entire time and i didn't even realize it. He carried me because I didn't realize what was going on.. until now... and now that I came to... i realize that we aren't crusin at all... we're moving at full speed towards the unknown. If i had realized earlier that we were on the same road, on the same journey...i would have prepared for it.
Maybe taking extra time to pack more love and more affection... more openness and more caution. I would have brought my entire heart, body and soul. Maybe left my insecurities and doubts at home. If I would have known he'd be here... I would have prepared better for the trip. I guess you can't plan everything. I guess that's a good thing. Because if i had known that this journey was gonna take place, I may have not taken it... and possibly missed out on one of the best journeys I've been on.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."
~ Albert Einstein

Over the weekend I've Realized that..

Friday

* Friends do make the best lovers. I won't go into much detail here... but friday I was reminded that affection, passion, love, etc... is so much better when you've gotten to know the person before stepping into anything "more". It's something special when someone knows you well enough to know your likes and dislikes... know what you'd think is romantic and special... know what you think and feel without you having to tell them. It's wonderful to share yourself with someone who already know how much you're worth and can appreciate the fact that you're willing to share you with them. I know I'm being vague... so jump to whatever conclusions you may (even though I'm sure you'll be wrong. lol) But I'm gonna leave this subject alone since the friend I'm referring to actually reads this blog quite frequently. (lol)


Saturday

* My cousin may be a good mother after all. I decided that I was tired of our current state of not talking and I knew because of the type of person my cousin is that she would NOT make the first move... so I called her up saturday just to see what she was doing. I was studying for my Sunday School class since I had to teach and I needed a break. When I called her, she said she was putting up Zoe's (her unborn babygirl) presents. She asked me if I'd come help, and eager for a change of scene and an excuse to stop studying, I told her I was on my way. My dad and I got into an interesting conversation before I left, so I didn't get to her house until about an hour and 15 minutes later. By that time, they were finished with the hard stuff but nevertheless she was glad to see me. Before all of the drama, my cousin and I were best friends and told each other everything... so of course we had soooo much to tell each other since we hadn't spoken over the last month or so. So we went out to get some food and chatted. She began talking about Mike (Zoe's Dad), and how the presence of Zoe has completely changed her outlook on him. Where at first, she was more concerned about getting pregnant to keep/trap him...she now realizes that Zoe's HER little one.. and that SHE's the most important thing in her life... not this trifflin brotha who has 4 kids by 4 women already and don't pay child support to any. She was finally talking like a woman who's priorities are in order. She's ready to be a mother and she's ready to give her little girl the love, care, and support she needs. Now the only thing left for her to do is get some income so that she can support this little bundle of joy.


Sunday

* I'm not as bad a teacher as I thought I was. I taught Sunday School for the first time this sunday. I've never thought of myself as the type of person that could get her point across enough to generate learning. (lol) I can learn things myself at a fast rate and I can understand things fully...but trying to teach others what you know to me is another ball game. So quite naturally, when I learned that I will be teaching sunday school for the month of Sept. to Young Adult ministers I immediately wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate. But once Sunday morning came, God really proved Himself. I asked Him to help me and I asked Him to make sure that His words came out not mine. After class was over, BJ (one of my friends, but also a minister)... came to me and told me that he really enjoyed class and that he got answers to some of the things he'd been praying about while I was talking. It felt good to know that God can use me to bless others. I consider it the highest honor. At any rate... I realized that I'm not that bad of a teacher. :)

Monday

* I've embraced my singleness and have finally become content with "ME". I've always loved myself... so don't get the wrong idea. But for a long time, I just felt like I was happier when I was either in a relationship or surrounded by groups of people. I loved myself, but I wasn't comfortable with being by myself alot. I had this thing where I refused to eat by myself, treat myself out and etc.. I always wanted someone to go to a party or get together with me... I always wanted someone to go see a movie with me... I always wanted someone to go to a restaurant and eat with me... but for the last year or so, I've realized that those "someone's" will not always be there.... and I began to realize that I'm hindering myself from a lot of things I desire to do because I have this hang up about going with someone. So I started going to/doing the things that I wanted to do and I did them solo. I've realized I can have just as much fun at the movies by myself than I can with someone else. I can eat just fine alone... I can shop just fine alone. I don't have to wait for others to enjoy MY life. And as trivial as that seems, it was a big breakthrough for me. I'm good with who I am and I finally think I've become a whole person. I've embraced all aspects of me. The good and the bad. And I've learned to be okay with it. I realized this yesterday when I went to my best friend's house for a couple's party ALONE. (lol) It was strange because usually I would have felt uncomfortable, but I didn't. Everyone was married, engaged, or in a long committed type relationship with kids or living together...and etc... But not once did that trigger the usual feeling of loneliness and alone-ness (because those are different) that I have after those type of situations. So I'm growing. I'm becoming comfortable with me. I no longer NEED someone there to be happy. I make myself happy. And I like that.

* I AM as chipper as everyone says I am. Anyone that has ever met me will tell you that I can get really excited about absolutely nothing. I've been told that I'm just extremely chipper. I tried to deny it... but the more I meet people and the more I talk with people, the more I everyone comes to the conclusion that I'm just a really upbeat, chipper person. It's crazy because I never thought of myself this way. Here I am thinking that I'm a real laid back, easy going, individual... but apparently I'm wrong. So it's official... I am admitting on this day to myself that I AM CHIPPER. Yay! (*insert cartwheels, jumping jacks, and hand claps*)

Simple

Well I've had a wonderful month full of exciting things to share but I dunno... I haven't really felt like sharing it. I've noticed that everyone seems to be going through this "blogger block" phase where it seems as if the passion for writing that was once was is now no longer. I must say, I'm proud of myself for sticking to something THIS long. I guess there's a first time for everything.

My life is simple right now. For a while it wasn't. I never blogged much about the unfolding drama in my life over the last 2-3 months but it was definitely there. My drama was thick like Monique. I mean seriously... I was in some stuff. But it's amazing how things just... melted away. I'm in a state of peace...I'm happy.

My mother's 50th Birthday Party was a few weeks ago. I'll have a few pics up whenever I decide to take them to get developed. I'm not good with that. Usually by the time I get a roll of film developed, I have the slightest idea what's on them. *haha* Oh well...I'm sure that won't happen with this. My momma is gonna want to see her pictures. I must say, the party turned out better than I thought it would. My mom's a planner and she has to have everything perfect... which was driving me COMPLETELY INSANE!! I was like.. "mom, just play music and let em eat! Problem solved!" (which is why i'd never have a party for myself, my party would really suck. lol) But of course my mom wanted games and giveaways, and contests and etc etc... So we slaved over that.... but it turned out to be wonderful. I had sooo much fun. But I'm really glad all that's over. The planning was too extensive for my taste.

My cousin doesn't hate me after all... but she's still holding a grudge and I know it. I'm a punk so I went to her baby shower. I felt like Zoe Mikeya (which is what she plans to name her little girl. Don't ask!!) shouldn't have to suffer because her mother got issues. Zoe has enough problems already and she isn't even born. So I bought Zoe some things... and headed on to the lil baby shower. My cousin gave me a hug...but you know... she just wasn't her usual self with me. We used to be like two peas in a pod. But I guess I've been replaced. Her other pregnant cousin, MeMe, was there and she seemed to have taken my place. It's all good. They actually looked cute sitting there together all big-bellied and tired. *lol* I have pics from this too. I'll probably get them developed the same time I get the others developed and post them then.

Man, I'm in a writing mood today.. but nothing I wanna talk about has any thing to do with each other... so I'd just be all over the place... so maybe i'll just stretch it out over a few days. Hmmm... yeah that's what I'll do. Soooooooooo... be on the lookout for my ramblings. Yay!

"When the answer is simple, God is answering." ~Albert Einstein

And speakin of men....

Most mornings I spend an hour to an hour and a half in traffic. Usually I pray halfway to work and get a little praise and worship in with my CD's or a gospel station. But some mornings like today, I just wanted to listen to some slow music and be left to my thoughts. I popped in Dwele's Subject CD and began my hour journey to both the known and unknown.

* I really be feelin the 2nd song on Dwele's CD.. "Truth".

I lied / I said you were the truth / you took it as the truth / and now i got you / but i don't want you like that / there only lives one love / and of that you can't compare to / and that's the bare naked truth

Man, it's amazing how many men really do that messed up stuff. They come bother me...when I wasn't even lookin for a man, then speak all this noise in my ear... tell me I'm "the truth"...and I believe 'em... fall for 'em...then he got me... but realize he really don't want me... it was all about the chase and the fun was in getting me. Ugh.. i hate that junk. I like the song because it's so real. Cuz um, I know a whole gang of menfolk that do that mess. Just messin with people's feelings. Ugh.


* Lately I've been thinking alot about Gerard. Gerard was the first guy I ever loved. I mean I LOVED me some Gerard. lol
My first year of high school I went to band camp. The first day of Band Camp on our lunch break, I saw Gerard sitting alone in the corner with his eyes closed. He had on some head phones and was beating away at the air with his drum sticks. I watched...errr... stared at him for a good 3 minutes before I caught myself and wondered if anyone else saw me looking. I knew from that moment that I wanted to know him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him. I had only one other friend in band camp that day...Elisha Greene. Elisha and I had went to elementary school together...so when we saw each other that morning among the many strange faces, we suddenly became best friends. lol. I convinced her to come with me to talk to this "shy" young man in the corner. We went over to him. I was shy, Elisha wasn't. She started talking about everything...and all I could do was look at him. We all introduced ourselves and did some light chatting. Everytime his lips moved my heart skipped a beat. I was in love. lol. Some would call it puppy love...but if puppy love can last this long then maybe all humans need to abandon that human love stuff and try some of that puppy love. From that day on, I vowed that he would be my boyfriend. We became good friends...then pretty much best friends. I layed it on him so smooth he didn't know what hit him. By the end of our 9th grade year, we were sharing a locker, spending the mornings before class and the afternoons before band practice together, and walking hand in hand around the school during lunch time. That's when he realized what everyone else had known for the last 6 months and I had known since the day I saw him: We should be together. We were an item.
We dated until our junior year, when we all had to transfer to a different school. He and I both went to Lakeside High. But with new faces came new opportunities...and Gerard wanted a chance to embrace some "new opportunities". I was crushed. I lost my best friend, my boy friend and my first love for the "possibiliy" that someone new may come along. The crazy thing is... he never dated any one else after me. Actually I was the one that started dating David (who i stayed with for 2.5 years). But there was something about Gerard. To this very day I think about him. I still love him. I still wann a be with him. I'd still give him the time of day if he asked for it. And I've never felt that way about anyone... including my ex-fiance. It's amazing how long puppy love can last. It's been about 11 years and I still get the same feelings when I see or think about him now as I did when I was crushing on him at 13. Life's crazy.

* Why do I feel the need to go out each and every friday? I mean I don't care WHAT kinda events I had going on throughout the week, nor how tired I am, something within me REFUSES to let me stay my tired behind at the house on a friday night. What's so special about friday night? That is the ONLY night I could actually get some rest and not have to wake up at the crack of dawn so honestly that really should be the night I take my butt to bed and catch up on all the sleep I lost during my busy weeks. *sigh* I guess I'm stubborn.

* I had a dream last night about me getting married. I was marrying this guy named Talvis. In my dream, we had decided to get married pretty much on a whim. He and I had only known each other for a couple of weeks and were quite smitten with each other...so when he suggested marriage, I said yes. All my friends were excited and my parents were worried, but excited as well. They knew he'd take care of me and that he was a good guy. The day of our wedding..of course they wouldn't let us see each other, but I started to get butterflies. I was wondering whether or not this was what we really needed. More than anything i wanted to have this wedding. I loved Talvis and I knew we'd be a good match, but the "forever" part scared me. I mean, what if he changed? I'd only known him a few weeks... so I started pacing back and forth and before I knew it, I was knocking on the "men's" door and demanding to speak to him. I needed to see him. I wanted to know how he felt... if he was feeling this doubt like I was...and whether he could reassure me that us getting married was the right thing to do. The groomsmen wouldn't let me in... so I went back to my dressing room (though i was fully dressed) and sulked. I was completely alone. All of my friends were in the "auditorium??" (i guess it was an auditorium, i know it wasn't a church sanctuary... i dunno..you know how dreams are) And they were all making speeches like we were at a reception or something. (lol)
So I sat there for a while...then I called him. Now the dream got weird then because even though my husband-to-be was Talvis the entire dream, when i called him, he turned into KS (you remember him right? skip to the middle of this post...and read up! )...even though his name was still Talvis.

So when I called his celly, he answered and we talked...and we realized that we were both feeling the same way. It was too soon for marriage. I was relieved, but very dissapointed at the same time. But right after he said, well maybe we should postpone it...I woke up. And was like...wth?

Now that the dream's over and I'm riding in the car, I'm wondering WHY i'm dreaming about marrying this Talvis/KS person. Okay... background info.

I met Talvis last month. We talked and realized that we had a lot in common. So much that I jokingly asked him whether or not we were related. We went out a few times, and I met a couple of his friends. I like Talvis. He's a nice guy, and honestly from what I know about him, he IS marriage material. BUT...again, we just met and I don't even know if he likes me more than a friend. So why am I dreaming about marrying him? I don't really even know him.
I wish i did know. I thought it was weird.

And then the KS part was even weirder. Oh yeah, did I tell you all he called outta the blue the beginning of this month? Yup. He called and said he was thinking about me and he just wanted to say hi. So we talked for a second and got some things out of the air and off our chest concerning our breakup. Well he did most of the talking. lol. Once he understood WHY i felt I had to leave him alone, his entire aora changed. He told me that he really could respect what I did and how I did it and yada yada yada. So we hung up and I figured I wouldn't hear from him for another 6 months to a year. But he kept calling...and calling. So as of late, we've been keeping in touch via phone. We haven't seen each other and honestly that's probably a good thing b/c I KNOW ya'll remember me telling ya'll how friggin FINE he was. Whew Lawd! That brotha was amazingly, incredibly, unbelievably PERFECT!!(well... as far as his outter appearance is concerned.) I dunno if I could handle seeing him again. I might be persuaded to try to catch hold to the few sparks he's been throwing out.

* Speaking of fine men. Why is Chyno from the tv show, "The Player", so FINE to me. He has nothing on KS...but um, if I was still givin it up... he'd officially be on my who could get it list. That man is so darn sexy to me. Okay...lemme gone and stop for I start lusting or somethin. lol. Gone.


"We must become the change we want to see." ~ Gandhi

Changing laws....

How come only the bad things you say "hasn't happened to you" come true? Like... if I were to say that I've never been stung by a bee...and then forget or choose not to knock on wood... (a whole nother post...lol) then I all of a sudden HAVE to get stung by one just because I said I hadn't?

I just don't get it. How come the good things I say like.... I've never won the 5 million dollar lottery.... NEVER happens?? How fair is that? It sucks... I mean, has anyone ever sat down and really thought about that thing? I've been wondering if it has something to do with the 2nd law of thermodynamics. I mean, I know that law mostly deals with heat/energy etc...But.. it can be applied to life as well... right? Okay hear me out...

Part of the second law states that one manifestation of entropy (chaos) is the tendency of systems to move toward greater confusion and disorder as time passes. Meaning that the chaotic state of anything is wayyyyyyyyyyyy more likely to occur than an ordered state, so any given isolated system will evolve to it(entropy/chaos).

That kinda explains why we still gotta dust gramma's china even though she never uses it, and vacuum he favorite room even though no one's been in there since the last cleaning. Things just naturally tend to go downhill. It's an effort to keep order. So in saying that... it's easier for chaos and disorder to rule in most of our daily activities and etc.

This is my twisted thory/take/opinion on how all this ties together. Okay... *sigh* Ya'll ready for this...lol... *hoping you don't get lost in all my rambling*

Okay.. John 3:1 says that "Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."
and
I Corinthians 14:33 says, "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace"

So...to me that says that all things that He made, He made for us to keep in order and in peace. And according to the implications of the 2nd law, things will naturally take a turn for the worst even if you do absolutely nothing at all. So you have to actually CHOOSE to do positive, orderly, and peaceful things. You have to take ACTION and MAKE these things happen. So in sayin that.. the reason good things rarely just "happen" when we say it is b/c we have to kinda create it. The universe naturally gears towards chaos. Which is why it takes minimal effort for something bad to happen after we say it . Well....at least that's my theory for today.

I'm not sure i like that theory though. I mean...it's not fair. I have to work at good and bad just naturally occurs. Not to say that all chaos is bad.. i think some randomness /spontanaety/commotion is cool... it brings color to the monotonous dealings of everyday life...
I dunno... i guess it just bothers me knowing that if I want good things to happen I will most likely have to consciously make it happen. I wish it was vice versa.

I'm only one call away...

It’s amazing how many things run through my mind on a daily basis. 80% of which I swear to myself I’m gonna blog about. Fortunately for you…only about 5% of that actually makes it to this page. I made this blog to keep an accurate account of my life and thoughts…but it seems like only 20% of who I am is represented here. How’s that? Oh well… it’s just something I thought about last night until my phone rang.

I was currently on the phone with a young man that I honestly didn’t want to ever stop talking to …but when I saw the name on my caller ID, my entire body froze. It’s been a few weeks since we last spoke. I know that before we hung up for what I thought was the last time, I told her that she can call if she NEEDED to. I just never thought she’d need to. Everytime she calls my heart drops, my hands get shaky and my heart races. I guess it’s conditioning… I mean every time she calls it’s always something. I never know what she’s gonna say that will possibly break my heart or change my life. I slowly told my friend that I would call him back in a few…and clicked over to see what she could possibly want to talk to me about now. I could tell that she was crying as soon as I heard her voice. My first reaction was…"dang… Anthony done cheated again.”

Taylor and I aren’t friends. However she calls me more than any other female I know besides my momma. I guess our situation bonded us together temporarily. Well at least on her side. I don’t feel any animosity towards her… but it’s hard to be a friend to someone you unknowingly shared your boyfriend with for 4 months. (While after the third month, both of us said we were gonna leave him alone, but stayed with him until finding out that neither of us kept our word and we were still sharing him)

I moved on from him, but she couldn’t let him go. I understand the power of emotions and I think because none of her friends understand what she’s going through, she leans on me when things are happening between him and her. She knows I won’t judge her…and she knows that I won’t lie to her. I listen and I tell the truth…even when it hurts me. Even when I could and really wanna lie… I won’t.

I asked Taylor what was wrong. Between sniffles she told me that she knows it probably causes me more heartache to talk with her b/c it reminds me of Anthony (which she’s absolutely right about, though I remained silent), BUT I was the only one she could talk to b/c I’ve been there with him as well and I understand. So with little promting from me she started ranting about how much she’s dealing with right now. She told me a few weeks back that she has breast cancer and will be starting chemotherapy in a few weeks.

*sidenote: this is how shallow Anthony is… she told him about her cancer a day after she andI found out that both of us were still with him and I decided that I can’t be in a love triangle anymore. A few days later, he calls me talking about how sorry he is but I got it all wrong.. he claimed that the only reason he kept seeing her was out of obligation. He said that he knew she was sick and didn’t want to tell her bye just yet b/c he knew she needed him. He claimed that he really loved me and that he would fix everything he messed up. *Lol… haaaaaaaaa. Classic.* Anyway, of course when she called me like she usually does, and I told her about his attempt to get back with me, she was furious b/c she said she didn’t tell him until like… two days ago. And he used her sickness to try and get back with me. Isn’t that low! YET… she’s still with him*

Now she tells me that her baby’s father kidnapped her daughter. He took her from the home a few days ago saying that he was gonna take her to his mother’s house. Taylor said after he didn’t come back with her the next day, she called his mom and the mother said she hasn’t seen her son or the granddaughter. When Taylor called his celly…it said that his service was cancelled. This guy straight dipped out on her. It was soooo sad. So she says to me… “I didn’t know what else to do or who to turn to so I called Anthony. I told him what happened and asked him if he could just stay on the phone and talk to me for the next 2 hours until I can file a police report and he said okay, but about 3 minutes later he said he’ll call me back b/c he need to call his uncle and see if he can give me some doe to fly up and see you.” I listened intensely though hearing about Anthony literally made my stomach churn. “I told him I didn’t NEED him to fly up, I NEEDED him to support me right now…like this… on the phone. But he kept saying he’ll call right back and I got tired of arguing. Well he didn’t call me back..so an hour later I called him and he didn’t answer his phone. Sway, I called him 6 times. The seventh time he answered, but I heard him open his door and go outside. Sway I KNOW another woman was in there.”

That’s when I realized why she called me. She thought it was me again. She thought I’d given him a 3rd chance. She wasn’t blatantly saying that…but I knew. So I casually eased her mind by hinting at the fact that it wasn’t me. She began telling me how hurt she was because he couldn’t stop chasing skirts long enough to just be a “friend” to her and talk to her while she’s going through this crisis. I felt bad for her. We both know how Anthony is….i mean firsthand. Yet no matter what he did to her, to me, to his babys’ mothers, to all of the other 59834064 girls listed in his phone, she really thought he’d change for her. I prayed for her. I prayed for him. I prayed for myself. I was really hoping to never be bothered with them again… but I see now that God puts people in our path for a reason. People that I wouldn’t necessarily ever meet except through divine intervention. I must say that since this whole ordeal with them, I’ve found myself on my knees a LOT more. And not just for myself. This experience is teaching me patience, longsuffering, and intercession. He put us in each other’s path for a reason. Taylor needed me, that’s clear. God knew she’d need me to talk to. … But what I just realized is that I needed her too. He knew that I’d listen…And pray. My prayer life was missing something. I thought of others often, but I wasn’t praying regularly for others. Intercession wasn’t my strongest point. It’s amazing how God gets you to where He wants you to be regardless of how much you disobey him, what you do, and how much you run from it. Remember that. Gone.

“For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible,… everything got started inhim and finds its purpose in him.” -Colossians 1:16

Just Writin...

Well today’s hump day… and I must say, I’m very happy that this week is going by kinda fast. Not that it’s been a bad week…but it’s just that I’m starting to run out of work to do here….and that’s scary. I’m afraid that they’ll see that I really don’t have much to do anymore and then realize that they don’t really need me. I need this job. I love this job. It’s great. And honestly I’ve gotten used to getting that big fat paycheck erry other Friday. So I’m ready for the weekend so I can figure out what kinda busy work I can do next week. lol

*** My momma’s 50th birthday is next week. She’s been talking about this party for like…the last month or so. She’s really starting to drive me crazy about it though. I’m like, “momma…. Please!!! If I hear one more word about a doggone party!!!”

But it’s all good. I know she’s excited… and she deserves it. I just wish someone else would help me with it. I’m not the “planner” type. I don’t like doing all that kinda stuff. I hate having parties for myself and I hate planning parties for others. I’d rather to just be told to bring something and be done with the entire thing. I think I get that from my dad. I hate being bothered with the details of things. I’ll do it if I have to…and I’m good at it if I do it… but I just really don’t like to. So I’m sooooooooooooo ready for next Saturday to get here so I won’t have to think about a party for a looooong time from now.

***My cousin is 8 months pregnant now. It’s almost time.. and she looks like she’s about to pop. Like literally. I wish I could take a picture of her stomach.. it’s so hard!! I thought stomachs were supposed to be soft and dough-y. Touching her stomach feels like touching a soccer ball…. And if you press a soccer ball… you’ll get the same kinda effect. It’s weird. Anyway… she’s mad at me. Again… I’m not too worried about it though. She has to stop speaking to me at least 3 times a year.. .otherwise I’d worry that an alien has taken over her body and she’s not who she say she is. This time she’s mad because this guy friend of hers is now very interested in me. Note: HE’s interested in ME… but SHE’s mad at ME… not HIM. I don’t like him like that. But even if I did, it’s no reason to stop talking to me. They aren’t dating.. never have, never will… PLUS she’s the one who gave him my number, without my permission might I add… so it serves her right. She knows that I’m a pretty nice person, I’m easy on the eyes and guys are usually attracted to me… so why even start something if you can’t handle the ending? What happened was that she told him it was my birthday a few Fridays ago and so he told her to tell me happy b-day. Well she said, “tell her yourself”. He said "ok". She gave him my number…and he called. He talked and talked and I talked back. Then he said, well since you’re so nice.. why don’t I treat you out. Of course I was like.. Okay cool. So we went to dinner and a movie that Saturday. Well my cousin was pissed. At least that’s what he told me when he came to pick me up. lol. She hasn’t called me or spoken to me since then. My philosophy is… She’ll get over it.

***Isn’t this some craziness… read it!

Okay I hate situations like this cuz you never know who’s telling the truth. And honestly I don’t want to take either one’s side b/c it would be too upsetting if I learned that they lying. I mean didn’t we learn anything from Kobe? Ugh.

Alright I think I’m about done rambling for today. I gotta at least pretend that I’m doing work up in here. Gone.

“A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her…
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.”

- Marta S. Hardy

I dunno what's goin on...

I've been wanting to write. Really I have...but my mind is at a blank right now. I've decided not to even mention anything that went on during my vacation. It's one of those things that I would much rather keep to myself. Yet skipping everything that's happened since the last time i've written something will definitely leave a huge gap in your understanding of what's going on with me right now....which is why i've been so quiet lately. But i think i've had time to greive over people I've lost....scratch that...people who've lost me. And now I'm ready to start over.

I don't really have much to talk about today either. But i figured that I should at least start back bloggin. I'm notorious for losing interest in things and never doing them again. And honestly, I want to stick to this bloggin thing...so i figure i should keep in practice.

I got a fotoblog today. There's a link to it on the side bar. I don't know how to put it down under each new post though. I'm not that computer saavy. Maybe one day someone will show me. lol.
I'm cheap though. I opted to use the free fotoblog service...so i could only upload one pic. lol. Oh well... tomorrow i can do it again.

Hopefully i'll have something to talk about tomorrow. Anyways... i just wanted you guys to know that i was alive.

Gone.

Best of times...Worst of times

OK... I promise I had like a super long entry about my vacation last week. But monday when I got back to work my computer shut down mid-day and the IT people said that my hard drive died... so I had to get a new one. Which means all that writing I saved in Word is gone. *sniffling* Sooooooo... i'll just have to find some time this week to re-write it... or forget about it like I usually do if I don't write about it as soon as it happens. Either way... I'm finally back. *as if anyone cares...lol* And I do have a lot I want to share. Some really good... and some really bad. Aight. Gotta do some work. Today will be the first day I've done work since July 23rd. Gone.

Guitars of the Heart / No Words

A few months back I posed some questions (here) that I’ve been pondering for the last few years of my life… and I got two of them answered last night.

**Flashback**
After TD and I broke up last September due to his move to Texas and our unwillingness to even TRY a long distance relationship…I began to realize how bad we were together.  I’ve written a few posts about him over the months so I won’t go back over how crazy in love I was with this guy whom I knew just wasn’t right for me.  Around that time I started listening to Syleena J’s Chapter 2 CD.  I’m talking about I was really feeling her.  That doggone CD stayed in heavy rotation until like the end of December (which is when AM and I had started getting kinda close) But the funny thing about it is that I would only play the CD up to about track # 8.  I mean those tracks were just so on point with what I was feeling I kept them on repeat day in and day out. 

My two favorite songs were I’m Gon Cry and Is That You. (Check the lyrics out.)  Man…those were my ANTHEMS for like 3 months!  I mean she took the words right out of my mouth ya know?  I’d be in my car just bobbin my head, waving my hand and singing/screaming the words to "Is That You” like some gentlemen callers were right there in front of me. Then in December I met AM and he made me forgot all about Ms. Syleena and her songs.  It wasn’t until last week after thinking about Anthony that I decided to dust off my “ole favorite” and get to playing my “I’m Gon Cry” song.  I mean when I thought about him… all her lyrics just came right to mind. So for the last week I  been jamming to it.

**Flashforward**
 Well… somehow yesterday I forgot to put my songs on repeat and I started to wander waaaaaaay past track 8 and before I knew it… I was getting into all her love songs.  I can’t remember what I was thinking about but when I came to and realized what I was listening to… I started frowning and in my grumpiest Mr. Grinch voice I was like… “what I 'm listening to this fo? Hmph”  So I started to cut it off... when this song came on and caught me something terrible. Then when it went off and I tried to turn it off then another one came on and caught me even more.  I mean it got me right there in the middle of my throat where if I even TRIED to breathe too deep or talk I would just burst into sobs.  My eyes started to swell up with tears I refused to let fall… I couldn’t believe how incredibly beautiful her songs “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” were.  Anybody ever heard them? Man… my mind started wandering around to every guy I’ve ever loved.   It’s the kind of song that made me wish I were in love JUST so I could play those songs to him and hummm along with her.  I couldn’t believe how much I was  FEELING THOSE SONGS.
I realized that even in the midst of  pseudo bitterness and singleness…I’m still in love.  I’ve realized I that I am soooo in love with love.   I LOVE love.  I love how love makes me feel.  I love love songs… love poems… love smells… love grins.. heart flutters…eye stares… synchronized breathin… hand holding…ear whispers…ooohh…I just love the way I feel when I’m in love.  I miss listening to songs like "No Words" and "Guitars of the Heart (Happy)" in the car and having ppl look at me funny b/c I’m smiling like an idiot even though no one’s in the car with me.   I miss thinking about that special someone while the song’s spinning and then giving them the biggest hug and kiss the next time I see them just b/c I’ve been thinking about how wonderful they make me feel.  I AM SO IN LOVE WITH LOVE.
 
I must have listened to this song about 12 times in a row yesterday before crying (okay I do get really emotional and sentimental during that time of month) my little eyes out cause I miss love so much.

That’s when TD called me.  I told ya’ll he was comin to town didn’t I?  Talkin about timing.  That’s about the last thing I needed right then.  A guy I was crazy in love with calling me to tell me he misses me and wants to see me right at the very time that I’m missin love and really wanting to feel it again.  This could be disasterous. I mean Syleena said it best....

"No we can't be friends /Cause when I talk to you I catch them old feelings/It might make me want ya back/When it's dangerous to want ya back…"

 
I couldn’t talk to him then… not when I’m feeling so vulnerable… so malleable. I was in trouble.

We talked for a while before he asked me to come over to the house cuz a lot of his folks was there to see him and he really wanted me there too. Against the wishes of the “logical/sensible” side of me I went. The whole time I thought about how bad of an idea this was.  I thought about how easily I’d fall if he just blew a little on me… and I didn’t wanna experience another heartbreak.  But yet I didn’t turn around. And when I stepped out of my car… I just wasn’t ready for the kind of welcome he greeted me with.  I wasn’t prepared for the new TD.  I mean… he was the kind of guy that just took me for granted when we were together.  But for the last few months… he’s really seemed to have a change of heart. It’s like it finally hit him that I was a good girlfriend.  I guess it is true… you don’t miss a good thang til it’s gone. And maybe absense DO make the heart grow fonder.

Anyway… when he saw me…he gave me the biggest hug and forehead kiss (which has been my kiss of choice since I was 14) known to man.  He had these yellow roses (which are my favorite EVER) in his hand and gave them to me….which of course made me turn red.  Then he just kept hugging me and looking at me with the biggest grin on his face.  He said I looked great.  He did too actually. He put on a few pounds and it was REALLY working for him.  I commented to him that at least he got a woman over in Texas that’s feeding him good. He laughed it off… but we both know he does. And I’m cool with that. 

For the entire night we kicked it with the rest of his friends… had a few drinks.. told a few jokes… shot the breeze and etc.  It was great. He made me feel incredible. Completely different from anything I remember about him.  He held my hand the hold night.  People were coming in left and right.. and he was all over the place.. talking to this one.. huggin that one… giving directions on the phone to this one…and introducing that one to the other one… and during it all… he held my hand.  I never left his side.  For that one night…he was the guy I wanted to sing “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” to.  For that one night… he made my tears go away. For that one night… I got to feel the love I’ve been missing and craving.  Even though Sunday he’s going back to Texas and I’ll still be here in Atlanta…
and by next week we’ll be nothing but a mere afterthought in each other’s mind... Last night, he was my love.  And he was just what the doctor ordered.  He was my Motrin… my advil… my temporary fix.  And I’m grateful for that. I don’t know what next week will hold… or even the week after that… but as for right now… I’m happy that I felt what I felt.  Right now... I’m happy.

It truly IS better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.