Okay.. help me out people …Is it me…. or isn’t it a little weird to PROPOSE TO SOMEONE VIA EMAIL???? How do you ask someone to marry you via email?? WTH? What is that?? I’m confused. Help me out here. Please.
Okay so last Thursday I come to work in a pretty good mood. I had a good night’s rest. I got up happy and ready for my day. I get to my desk, turn on my computer…thinking about nothing much really. I go through my usual routine…sign onto my work email, then my Yahoo IM…and then go get milk from the cafeteria. So I come back, start checking my email and getting my cereal ready. I see that I have an Email from TD…which is a surprise because his emails are far and few between. So I’m like..huh… lemme see what TD talking about. Why do I open his mail and read this:
Whats up baby how are you? I miss you so much swayla swayla. I never thought i would miss you this much. Here is a question if i ask to marry you will you move to Texas? I've been thinking about it a lot lately and i want you here with me. There's nobody here that compares to you and I'm ready to settle down with you. I am coming home in November, so think about it. I will ask you officially when i get there. love you baby. one.
Alrighty… so as I’m cleaning up the spilled milk off my desk from the laughter and shock I had reading his email. I begin thinking… why on EARTH would he email me a question like that?? yeah… he said he’ll ask officially when he comes to visit his family here in Atlanta. But why the email? Why couldn’t he call? Or even just wait until he got here and bring it up face to face? I mean either way, the answer is no. Hmmm. Maybe that’s why he did it that way. He knew I’d be like "what? marriage? You and me? Hahaha." I guess even the confident ones hate looking like an idiot. But why would he want for us to get married anyways. I mean… I told you guys about the last time we were together right… (click here). It was wonderful! He seemed like he really changed. But that’s not enough for me to want to drop everything I’ve got going here and run to texas to marry him. And I’m sure he couldn’t possibly believe that one night made up for all the many things he put me through when we were together or for everything else I know about him. I mean I am not that desperate to get married. I’m not desperate at all actually. I know that there is someone out there better suited for me than him. I just don’t understand why he would want to settle down with me and we’ve been broken up for over a year now. It’s confusing.
Okay is it me… or do gay guys in the church LOVE to sing in the choir and shout as soon as they hear some fast music? I went to an album release concert & party Friday night with my friend Bo. He and I got there early so we got good seats. After about 15 minutes of us talking and clowning around, I begin to realize that there was a surplus of guys at this here concert. Then I began to realize they were all together… and feminine looking. I mean, these men were prettier than I was...and i don't consider myself an ug-mug at all!! They were all coupled up...but trying not to look coupled up. lol 2 will sit here... 4 there... 2 more a few rows back.. i was like what is really going on!!! I mean I have no problem with gay people… they cool with me…u do you... let me do me... however...if they ask me how i feel about the subject.. i'mma have to tell them what the Word says. Anywho... it was just crazy to look around and see so many of them up in church. I find that if one’s around.. then 498503843 are around. If the choir director or head musician is gay...then there's gonna be plenty in the choir. lol. They definitely stick together. Anywho… when the choirs got up to sing I realized why soooo many gay guys were in the audience. EVERY GUY up in those choirs were “sugary”. I thought it was funny. They really like singing. And lawd when that fast music came on…they were the only ones running around the church. It was interesting. Definitely a sight to see.
Is it me… or has Blackplanet been dishing out a surplus of Viagra notes? Everytime I log on… I have like 56784 notes with “Cheap Viagra” as the topic. I’m like… huh? Do I LOOK like I need Viagra?? Ugh!
Is it me… or is Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead the same doggone movie??? I went to see Resident Evil with BG (whom I have yet to mention to you guys…and I don’t know when I will…but remember the initials) and I honestly had NO IDEA what it was gonna be about. I just wanted to see him and get out the house…so when he suggested it…I was like… Okay! But when I got there and the movie came on and everything.. I was like um… this is Dawn of the Dead. They had the same ole walking dead things that ate people and roamed the streets. So you’d think I wouldn’t be scared because I’ve “seen” this before. Ahhh.. wrong!! My behind was all up under BG…holding onto him as if my life depended on it. I closed my eyes a few times too. Those things looked gross. I guess I’m a little scary. lol.
Alright…well.. I need to get some work done. I guess I’ll write again later on this week. Gone.
"I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details. " ~Einstein
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Give thy thoughts no tongue ~ Shakespeare
I think a lot.
Everyone that has ever spent time with me knows that I often stare into space…thinking…wondering… imagining. The sad thing is that none of the things I think ever hardly connect with each other. They are totally random thoughts …just swimming around up there... only to be broken by an outside voice asking me... "Sway...what are you thinking about". I usually say a lot... and leave it at that. Theres no way i could even begin to discuss the 590823 things that run through my mind at any given second. But I guess today I just feel like sharing some of them.
*** I feel that the best part of event is the time leading up to it. I guess the suspense…anticipation…excitement of something can sometimes be so great that the actual “climax” of the situation is kinda overshadowed. Especially since I am a dreamer. My imaginations of how wonderful an event is going to be usually is way better than the actual event. I guess sometimes the thought of something is better than that actual something. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes the event could be exactly how I imagined…but now it’s over and done with…and there’s nothing left to get excited about. It’s like, you think all day and all night about something…then once it’s here, it’s over very quickly (in comparison to how long it took to get here) and then it’s down hill from there. Like Christmas… we spend months preparing for this ONE DAY. Not to say Christmas isn’t a wonderful event because it is…but starting from thanksgiving…the spirit of Christmas is steadily building. It’s like…well for me and my family anyways, everyone is in a great mood. We’re reflecting on the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior and we’re remembering what He did for us. We’re extra sensitive to being kind and giving and etc… and its soooo great. But it seems like at MIDNIGHT on Christmas day…all the lights…and happiness and songs and hand holding etc.. is over. It’s done with.. There is no cool down. No tapered end. It’s just over… cold turkey. It’s like that with everything in my experience: Prom…. First kisses… First sexual encounter… College…Parties…etc. It doesn’t matter… it seems like you are all excited and hyped about it… dreaming of how it’s gonna be… preparing for it… waiting…anticipating… etc… then it comes… and then it’s over… who cares about prom after it’s over? There’s nothing left to look forward to. I guess I said all of this to say… I’m scared to get married. What if the best part of marriage is the time before it happens? Ya know... like the anticipation of meeting your husband...dating him and wondering if he'll ever propose and then having him propose and planning the wedding...then having the wedding and going on your honeymoon...? What if that's the best part? What if it’s all down hill from there? What if right now… the unknown...the uncertaincy…the anticipation of when, who, where, how… is the best part of my love life?
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. - Einstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***I really enjoyed the game last night…though staying up so late is really taking its toll on me right now. I didn’t know who to root for. I like them both equally. Besides the Falcons, the Vikings and Eagles are my two favorite teams. It was a pretty good game… except for the fact that Culpepper can seem to hold on to the ball during CRUCIAL times. I mean, you are what… 3 yards a way from a TD and you get RIGHT THERE TO THE LINE.. I mean RIGHT ON THE LINE.. and fumble. Ugh. I was kinda upset with him about that. I think they said he’s had 69 fumbles in 60 games. lol. That is retarded! lol. Oh well though.. I really didn’t care who won…so hey….Yeah Eagles. But to be honest, I guess I’m glad the Eagles won at home home because their fans be off da FRIGGIN CHAIN. Philly fans are interesting. They be so crunk.
"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm"--Abraham Lincoln
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***I was looking at this show called The Potter’s House before work this morning and Bishop Jakes was talking to men about how to be men and the issues men face and etc. All I can say is… Bishop Jakes brought up a lot of issues men deal with and it really opened my eyes on men and what they go through and their mentality about things. I know you’re probably wondering why I was watching a men’s conference. Well…a few weeks ago they had a women conference where all the women talked about issues…and how to be a good wife and a mother without compromising who they are as individuals and wonderful powerful strong women. The women’s conference was powerful and I learned a lot from it, but I distinctly remember saying, “If only the men would listen to this, they would understand us so much better …” So when I saw that the men’s conference was coming this week… I decided that I would take my own advice and try to understand them. Now these were not just ANY men. These were powerful church leaders/figures…strong Christian men…fathers… husbands…CEO’s of powerful companies…etc. The men on the panel were men who knew some things. So they enlightened me on a lot of the issues men face. I mean, some of the things I already knew…but still they brought even more light to subjects I was aware of from jump. Example…
As babies and children, men are taught to suck it up. They may be bleeding from the head, but what does daddy say, “aw boy, you’ll be alright. Stop all that crying.” As children they are often told… be a man, be tough… don’t let them see you sweat… boys don’t cry…. keep it together…etc… And they grow up feeling as if showing their emotions or hurt or pain is wrong. Somehow if they “feel” things…they are now less of a man. They aren’t allowed to cry…they can’t talk about their feelings… yet we as women…expect them somehow to be sensitive creatures when they become our husbands or boyfriends. We expect them to tell us what’s wrong and pour their heart out to us. You can’t just undo what’s been done their entire lives. It takes time. There are years of holding back, holding in, channeling… trying to “keep it together” … working within him. I never thought about it quite like that. And then we catch attitudes when they don’t pour out their feelings like we do… and it seems that the only emotion that they can muster up is Anger. Their hurt and pain is surfaced through misplaced anger. I dunno… I can go on and on about that… Of course not ALL men are like that… but it was interesting to hear how strongly society shapes us and plays a major role in the people we are today.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation"
- Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***The fall does interesting things to me. It’s almost like I can smell love in the air. I’ve always associated fall with the beginning of school (of course)… football…band…and love. Why love. I’m not sure. Spring is my favorite season…and it’s also when the MOST interesting things in my life has happened…good and bad, yet fall is when I reminisce about my life experiences. I began thinking about how happy I usually am around this time. I have good memories of walks in the park… wind blowing through my hair… kisses…hugs… whispers of “I love you”… it’s only in the fall I remember these things. And then I get extra mushy... and whomever I’m with at the time (if anyone) has to put up with me wanting to do all of these romantic things. lol. It stops after Christmas though.. lol. For some reason, the New Year calls for a new attitude. I don’t really do resolutions… but I do stop being all mushy and lovey dovey.
Well I guess we’ll see what wonderful exciting memories this Fall will bring me.
"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."-Alexander Smith
Everyone that has ever spent time with me knows that I often stare into space…thinking…wondering… imagining. The sad thing is that none of the things I think ever hardly connect with each other. They are totally random thoughts …just swimming around up there... only to be broken by an outside voice asking me... "Sway...what are you thinking about". I usually say a lot... and leave it at that. Theres no way i could even begin to discuss the 590823 things that run through my mind at any given second. But I guess today I just feel like sharing some of them.
*** I feel that the best part of event is the time leading up to it. I guess the suspense…anticipation…excitement of something can sometimes be so great that the actual “climax” of the situation is kinda overshadowed. Especially since I am a dreamer. My imaginations of how wonderful an event is going to be usually is way better than the actual event. I guess sometimes the thought of something is better than that actual something. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes the event could be exactly how I imagined…but now it’s over and done with…and there’s nothing left to get excited about. It’s like, you think all day and all night about something…then once it’s here, it’s over very quickly (in comparison to how long it took to get here) and then it’s down hill from there. Like Christmas… we spend months preparing for this ONE DAY. Not to say Christmas isn’t a wonderful event because it is…but starting from thanksgiving…the spirit of Christmas is steadily building. It’s like…well for me and my family anyways, everyone is in a great mood. We’re reflecting on the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior and we’re remembering what He did for us. We’re extra sensitive to being kind and giving and etc… and its soooo great. But it seems like at MIDNIGHT on Christmas day…all the lights…and happiness and songs and hand holding etc.. is over. It’s done with.. There is no cool down. No tapered end. It’s just over… cold turkey. It’s like that with everything in my experience: Prom…. First kisses… First sexual encounter… College…Parties…etc. It doesn’t matter… it seems like you are all excited and hyped about it… dreaming of how it’s gonna be… preparing for it… waiting…anticipating… etc… then it comes… and then it’s over… who cares about prom after it’s over? There’s nothing left to look forward to. I guess I said all of this to say… I’m scared to get married. What if the best part of marriage is the time before it happens? Ya know... like the anticipation of meeting your husband...dating him and wondering if he'll ever propose and then having him propose and planning the wedding...then having the wedding and going on your honeymoon...? What if that's the best part? What if it’s all down hill from there? What if right now… the unknown...the uncertaincy…the anticipation of when, who, where, how… is the best part of my love life?
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. - Einstein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***I really enjoyed the game last night…though staying up so late is really taking its toll on me right now. I didn’t know who to root for. I like them both equally. Besides the Falcons, the Vikings and Eagles are my two favorite teams. It was a pretty good game… except for the fact that Culpepper can seem to hold on to the ball during CRUCIAL times. I mean, you are what… 3 yards a way from a TD and you get RIGHT THERE TO THE LINE.. I mean RIGHT ON THE LINE.. and fumble. Ugh. I was kinda upset with him about that. I think they said he’s had 69 fumbles in 60 games. lol. That is retarded! lol. Oh well though.. I really didn’t care who won…so hey….Yeah Eagles. But to be honest, I guess I’m glad the Eagles won at home home because their fans be off da FRIGGIN CHAIN. Philly fans are interesting. They be so crunk.
"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm"--Abraham Lincoln
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***I was looking at this show called The Potter’s House before work this morning and Bishop Jakes was talking to men about how to be men and the issues men face and etc. All I can say is… Bishop Jakes brought up a lot of issues men deal with and it really opened my eyes on men and what they go through and their mentality about things. I know you’re probably wondering why I was watching a men’s conference. Well…a few weeks ago they had a women conference where all the women talked about issues…and how to be a good wife and a mother without compromising who they are as individuals and wonderful powerful strong women. The women’s conference was powerful and I learned a lot from it, but I distinctly remember saying, “If only the men would listen to this, they would understand us so much better …” So when I saw that the men’s conference was coming this week… I decided that I would take my own advice and try to understand them. Now these were not just ANY men. These were powerful church leaders/figures…strong Christian men…fathers… husbands…CEO’s of powerful companies…etc. The men on the panel were men who knew some things. So they enlightened me on a lot of the issues men face. I mean, some of the things I already knew…but still they brought even more light to subjects I was aware of from jump. Example…
As babies and children, men are taught to suck it up. They may be bleeding from the head, but what does daddy say, “aw boy, you’ll be alright. Stop all that crying.” As children they are often told… be a man, be tough… don’t let them see you sweat… boys don’t cry…. keep it together…etc… And they grow up feeling as if showing their emotions or hurt or pain is wrong. Somehow if they “feel” things…they are now less of a man. They aren’t allowed to cry…they can’t talk about their feelings… yet we as women…expect them somehow to be sensitive creatures when they become our husbands or boyfriends. We expect them to tell us what’s wrong and pour their heart out to us. You can’t just undo what’s been done their entire lives. It takes time. There are years of holding back, holding in, channeling… trying to “keep it together” … working within him. I never thought about it quite like that. And then we catch attitudes when they don’t pour out their feelings like we do… and it seems that the only emotion that they can muster up is Anger. Their hurt and pain is surfaced through misplaced anger. I dunno… I can go on and on about that… Of course not ALL men are like that… but it was interesting to hear how strongly society shapes us and plays a major role in the people we are today.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation"
- Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***The fall does interesting things to me. It’s almost like I can smell love in the air. I’ve always associated fall with the beginning of school (of course)… football…band…and love. Why love. I’m not sure. Spring is my favorite season…and it’s also when the MOST interesting things in my life has happened…good and bad, yet fall is when I reminisce about my life experiences. I began thinking about how happy I usually am around this time. I have good memories of walks in the park… wind blowing through my hair… kisses…hugs… whispers of “I love you”… it’s only in the fall I remember these things. And then I get extra mushy... and whomever I’m with at the time (if anyone) has to put up with me wanting to do all of these romantic things. lol. It stops after Christmas though.. lol. For some reason, the New Year calls for a new attitude. I don’t really do resolutions… but I do stop being all mushy and lovey dovey.
Well I guess we’ll see what wonderful exciting memories this Fall will bring me.
"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."-Alexander Smith
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Are you ready for some football!!!!!!
Yesssss siiiiiirrrrrrr... it's official....
I WILL be GLUED to the tv this monday night for the showdown. It's goinz down..... two outta of my three alltime favorites will be playing each other. EAGLES vs. VIKINGS... McNabb vs. Culpepper. Moss... Owens... ahhh.. how wonderful!! Aren't you excited!! Oh.. well.. sorry. I was.
Anywho... I'll move on... but just know I'm SUPER CRUNK about this game.
No wait... I just gotta say one more thing about Football! ALL MY TEAMS WON sunday! Anyone that knows me know that I am completely crazy about the falcons and have been since what... Chris Miller was the QB. *lol* So I'm glad to see them whip up on the 49ers Sunday! It did my heart good. Yay!
Aight... moving on. I was just listening to that new Destiny's Child song. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, I like the band and all. I'm a sucker for some drums... whew lawd. I guess those days on Drum Core and Dance Team really hold a special place in my heart. But i dunno.. the beat sounded kinda off to me... bootleg even. I dunno. Maybe it'll grow on me.
I am soooooooo not excited about Hurricane Ivan. Ugh! I was supposed to be going to six flags friday night/saturday morning.. (Midnight on friday till 7am saturday) but now I dunno since I looked at the forcast for friday and it said heavy rains and winds. I'm not trying to be on the raggedy ole Scream Machine when Ivan is roaring his ugly head. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen with our six flags trip.
All I know is... I'm not trying to be on bed rest for 3 days like I was last year after riding the "Superman" ride. lol.
Anyways... i didn't really have much to say today.. and plus work has finally picked up at the ole office...so I'm not trying to write a novel today anyways...
Gone.
"Rules are made to be broken...but hearts are not." ~ Me
I WILL be GLUED to the tv this monday night for the showdown. It's goinz down..... two outta of my three alltime favorites will be playing each other. EAGLES vs. VIKINGS... McNabb vs. Culpepper. Moss... Owens... ahhh.. how wonderful!! Aren't you excited!! Oh.. well.. sorry. I was.
Anywho... I'll move on... but just know I'm SUPER CRUNK about this game.
No wait... I just gotta say one more thing about Football! ALL MY TEAMS WON sunday! Anyone that knows me know that I am completely crazy about the falcons and have been since what... Chris Miller was the QB. *lol* So I'm glad to see them whip up on the 49ers Sunday! It did my heart good. Yay!
Aight... moving on. I was just listening to that new Destiny's Child song. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, I like the band and all. I'm a sucker for some drums... whew lawd. I guess those days on Drum Core and Dance Team really hold a special place in my heart. But i dunno.. the beat sounded kinda off to me... bootleg even. I dunno. Maybe it'll grow on me.
I am soooooooo not excited about Hurricane Ivan. Ugh! I was supposed to be going to six flags friday night/saturday morning.. (Midnight on friday till 7am saturday) but now I dunno since I looked at the forcast for friday and it said heavy rains and winds. I'm not trying to be on the raggedy ole Scream Machine when Ivan is roaring his ugly head. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen with our six flags trip.
All I know is... I'm not trying to be on bed rest for 3 days like I was last year after riding the "Superman" ride. lol.
Anyways... i didn't really have much to say today.. and plus work has finally picked up at the ole office...so I'm not trying to write a novel today anyways...
Gone.
"Rules are made to be broken...but hearts are not." ~ Me
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Chyno...Shaq...Beef...and Journeys
aight... i'm mad. the haters voted Chyno off. I'm ashamed to say that i watch this stupid show...but after I saw Chyno on there...i had to watch just to get a glimpse of the sexiness... look at him!! ---> (Chyno)<---- And this pic...doesn't even do him justice. Ole girl was mad when they voted him off to. *haha* The game ain't gonna be the same now. I prolly won't even watch that mess anymore. (prolly will *haha*)
Speakin of mess... WHY did I hear Shaq rappin again on the Ryan Cameron Morning show? Ugh. Some people should just stick to basketball. I mean, he isn't horrible...but still, I wasn't feelin it. Then of course they kept playing the part where he was talking about Kobe. I think he said something to the fact of Him being like Puffy and Kobe's like Mase. haaaaaaaaa. At any rate... i think all this beef is crazy. Kobe is Kobe... Shaq is Shaq... why we gotta compare? Why must there be beef.
Speakin of beef, I've been thinking alot lately about going back to my old tradition of not eating any red meat. I did it for about 8 years and I just realized that I was soooo fine back then. *haha* I was cut.. like whoa. Of course I didn't think that then, but looking back on my pics... I wasn't bad at all. I'm trying to get there again. I don't eat that much red meat now anyways..so it shouldn't really be that big of a deal. I'll let you know how that goes.
Speaking of going, I really think I'm going on a journey I wasn't expecting. Okay... I never meant for this blog to be a journal about my dating life... but it kinda is huh.. lol. *you better not agree... stop shaking your head yes... i mean it!* So now, I feel compelled to share my dating experiences here... which is weird because I don't feel compelled to share anything else in my life here...but anywho..i digress. Back to this journey.... I have a friend. His name will remain a secret until further notice. *lol* But this guy ...i'm not quite sure what to say about him. Before we met, he was an enemy. See...we went to rival schools. In fact... We still hate each other for that. *lol* But once we met... our souls found playmates. We immediately took a liking to each other... and i was at my silliest when i was around him. He became one of my best friends. It was amazing. He offered to be my "big brother"...and I was loving it. I felt comfortable around him. And in little time... he learned more about me than some of the people that have known me for years and years. I began to relax around him, because he saw my MANY MANY flaws... yet he still stayed around. I found it easy to open up to him and just be plain ole Sway... the chipper Sway, the silly Sway, the talkative Sway... just Sway. And there we were together... just crusin along... on parallel streets going no where in particular.
Then one day it changed. Just like that I looked at him and saw something ...different... unique. I didn't just see a big brother. anymore. I didn't just see someone who makes me laugh and who i can be completely goofy around without wondering if he's gonna stop talking to me. I saw Him for ALL he was... and it was both wonderful and scary. I looked down and realized that we weren't on parallel roads at all...we were on the same road...and it felt like we were cruisin because he was carrying me the entire time and i didn't even realize it. He carried me because I didn't realize what was going on.. until now... and now that I came to... i realize that we aren't crusin at all... we're moving at full speed towards the unknown. If i had realized earlier that we were on the same road, on the same journey...i would have prepared for it.
Maybe taking extra time to pack more love and more affection... more openness and more caution. I would have brought my entire heart, body and soul. Maybe left my insecurities and doubts at home. If I would have known he'd be here... I would have prepared better for the trip. I guess you can't plan everything. I guess that's a good thing. Because if i had known that this journey was gonna take place, I may have not taken it... and possibly missed out on one of the best journeys I've been on.
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."
~ Albert Einstein
Speakin of mess... WHY did I hear Shaq rappin again on the Ryan Cameron Morning show? Ugh. Some people should just stick to basketball. I mean, he isn't horrible...but still, I wasn't feelin it. Then of course they kept playing the part where he was talking about Kobe. I think he said something to the fact of Him being like Puffy and Kobe's like Mase. haaaaaaaaa. At any rate... i think all this beef is crazy. Kobe is Kobe... Shaq is Shaq... why we gotta compare? Why must there be beef.
Speakin of beef, I've been thinking alot lately about going back to my old tradition of not eating any red meat. I did it for about 8 years and I just realized that I was soooo fine back then. *haha* I was cut.. like whoa. Of course I didn't think that then, but looking back on my pics... I wasn't bad at all. I'm trying to get there again. I don't eat that much red meat now anyways..so it shouldn't really be that big of a deal. I'll let you know how that goes.
Speaking of going, I really think I'm going on a journey I wasn't expecting. Okay... I never meant for this blog to be a journal about my dating life... but it kinda is huh.. lol. *you better not agree... stop shaking your head yes... i mean it!* So now, I feel compelled to share my dating experiences here... which is weird because I don't feel compelled to share anything else in my life here...but anywho..i digress. Back to this journey.... I have a friend. His name will remain a secret until further notice. *lol* But this guy ...i'm not quite sure what to say about him. Before we met, he was an enemy. See...we went to rival schools. In fact... We still hate each other for that. *lol* But once we met... our souls found playmates. We immediately took a liking to each other... and i was at my silliest when i was around him. He became one of my best friends. It was amazing. He offered to be my "big brother"...and I was loving it. I felt comfortable around him. And in little time... he learned more about me than some of the people that have known me for years and years. I began to relax around him, because he saw my MANY MANY flaws... yet he still stayed around. I found it easy to open up to him and just be plain ole Sway... the chipper Sway, the silly Sway, the talkative Sway... just Sway. And there we were together... just crusin along... on parallel streets going no where in particular.
Then one day it changed. Just like that I looked at him and saw something ...different... unique. I didn't just see a big brother. anymore. I didn't just see someone who makes me laugh and who i can be completely goofy around without wondering if he's gonna stop talking to me. I saw Him for ALL he was... and it was both wonderful and scary. I looked down and realized that we weren't on parallel roads at all...we were on the same road...and it felt like we were cruisin because he was carrying me the entire time and i didn't even realize it. He carried me because I didn't realize what was going on.. until now... and now that I came to... i realize that we aren't crusin at all... we're moving at full speed towards the unknown. If i had realized earlier that we were on the same road, on the same journey...i would have prepared for it.
Maybe taking extra time to pack more love and more affection... more openness and more caution. I would have brought my entire heart, body and soul. Maybe left my insecurities and doubts at home. If I would have known he'd be here... I would have prepared better for the trip. I guess you can't plan everything. I guess that's a good thing. Because if i had known that this journey was gonna take place, I may have not taken it... and possibly missed out on one of the best journeys I've been on.
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."
~ Albert Einstein
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Over the weekend I've Realized that..
Friday
* Friends do make the best lovers. I won't go into much detail here... but friday I was reminded that affection, passion, love, etc... is so much better when you've gotten to know the person before stepping into anything "more". It's something special when someone knows you well enough to know your likes and dislikes... know what you'd think is romantic and special... know what you think and feel without you having to tell them. It's wonderful to share yourself with someone who already know how much you're worth and can appreciate the fact that you're willing to share you with them. I know I'm being vague... so jump to whatever conclusions you may (even though I'm sure you'll be wrong. lol) But I'm gonna leave this subject alone since the friend I'm referring to actually reads this blog quite frequently. (lol)
Saturday
* My cousin may be a good mother after all. I decided that I was tired of our current state of not talking and I knew because of the type of person my cousin is that she would NOT make the first move... so I called her up saturday just to see what she was doing. I was studying for my Sunday School class since I had to teach and I needed a break. When I called her, she said she was putting up Zoe's (her unborn babygirl) presents. She asked me if I'd come help, and eager for a change of scene and an excuse to stop studying, I told her I was on my way. My dad and I got into an interesting conversation before I left, so I didn't get to her house until about an hour and 15 minutes later. By that time, they were finished with the hard stuff but nevertheless she was glad to see me. Before all of the drama, my cousin and I were best friends and told each other everything... so of course we had soooo much to tell each other since we hadn't spoken over the last month or so. So we went out to get some food and chatted. She began talking about Mike (Zoe's Dad), and how the presence of Zoe has completely changed her outlook on him. Where at first, she was more concerned about getting pregnant to keep/trap him...she now realizes that Zoe's HER little one.. and that SHE's the most important thing in her life... not this trifflin brotha who has 4 kids by 4 women already and don't pay child support to any. She was finally talking like a woman who's priorities are in order. She's ready to be a mother and she's ready to give her little girl the love, care, and support she needs. Now the only thing left for her to do is get some income so that she can support this little bundle of joy.
Sunday
* I'm not as bad a teacher as I thought I was. I taught Sunday School for the first time this sunday. I've never thought of myself as the type of person that could get her point across enough to generate learning. (lol) I can learn things myself at a fast rate and I can understand things fully...but trying to teach others what you know to me is another ball game. So quite naturally, when I learned that I will be teaching sunday school for the month of Sept. to Young Adult ministers I immediately wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate. But once Sunday morning came, God really proved Himself. I asked Him to help me and I asked Him to make sure that His words came out not mine. After class was over, BJ (one of my friends, but also a minister)... came to me and told me that he really enjoyed class and that he got answers to some of the things he'd been praying about while I was talking. It felt good to know that God can use me to bless others. I consider it the highest honor. At any rate... I realized that I'm not that bad of a teacher. :)
Monday
* I've embraced my singleness and have finally become content with "ME". I've always loved myself... so don't get the wrong idea. But for a long time, I just felt like I was happier when I was either in a relationship or surrounded by groups of people. I loved myself, but I wasn't comfortable with being by myself alot. I had this thing where I refused to eat by myself, treat myself out and etc.. I always wanted someone to go to a party or get together with me... I always wanted someone to go see a movie with me... I always wanted someone to go to a restaurant and eat with me... but for the last year or so, I've realized that those "someone's" will not always be there.... and I began to realize that I'm hindering myself from a lot of things I desire to do because I have this hang up about going with someone. So I started going to/doing the things that I wanted to do and I did them solo. I've realized I can have just as much fun at the movies by myself than I can with someone else. I can eat just fine alone... I can shop just fine alone. I don't have to wait for others to enjoy MY life. And as trivial as that seems, it was a big breakthrough for me. I'm good with who I am and I finally think I've become a whole person. I've embraced all aspects of me. The good and the bad. And I've learned to be okay with it. I realized this yesterday when I went to my best friend's house for a couple's party ALONE. (lol) It was strange because usually I would have felt uncomfortable, but I didn't. Everyone was married, engaged, or in a long committed type relationship with kids or living together...and etc... But not once did that trigger the usual feeling of loneliness and alone-ness (because those are different) that I have after those type of situations. So I'm growing. I'm becoming comfortable with me. I no longer NEED someone there to be happy. I make myself happy. And I like that.
* I AM as chipper as everyone says I am. Anyone that has ever met me will tell you that I can get really excited about absolutely nothing. I've been told that I'm just extremely chipper. I tried to deny it... but the more I meet people and the more I talk with people, the more I everyone comes to the conclusion that I'm just a really upbeat, chipper person. It's crazy because I never thought of myself this way. Here I am thinking that I'm a real laid back, easy going, individual... but apparently I'm wrong. So it's official... I am admitting on this day to myself that I AM CHIPPER. Yay! (*insert cartwheels, jumping jacks, and hand claps*)
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Simple
Well I've had a wonderful month full of exciting things to share but I dunno... I haven't really felt like sharing it. I've noticed that everyone seems to be going through this "blogger block" phase where it seems as if the passion for writing that was once was is now no longer. I must say, I'm proud of myself for sticking to something THIS long. I guess there's a first time for everything.
My life is simple right now. For a while it wasn't. I never blogged much about the unfolding drama in my life over the last 2-3 months but it was definitely there. My drama was thick like Monique. I mean seriously... I was in some stuff. But it's amazing how things just... melted away. I'm in a state of peace...I'm happy.
My mother's 50th Birthday Party was a few weeks ago. I'll have a few pics up whenever I decide to take them to get developed. I'm not good with that. Usually by the time I get a roll of film developed, I have the slightest idea what's on them. *haha* Oh well...I'm sure that won't happen with this. My momma is gonna want to see her pictures. I must say, the party turned out better than I thought it would. My mom's a planner and she has to have everything perfect... which was driving me COMPLETELY INSANE!! I was like.. "mom, just play music and let em eat! Problem solved!" (which is why i'd never have a party for myself, my party would really suck. lol) But of course my mom wanted games and giveaways, and contests and etc etc... So we slaved over that.... but it turned out to be wonderful. I had sooo much fun. But I'm really glad all that's over. The planning was too extensive for my taste.
My cousin doesn't hate me after all... but she's still holding a grudge and I know it. I'm a punk so I went to her baby shower. I felt like Zoe Mikeya (which is what she plans to name her little girl. Don't ask!!) shouldn't have to suffer because her mother got issues. Zoe has enough problems already and she isn't even born. So I bought Zoe some things... and headed on to the lil baby shower. My cousin gave me a hug...but you know... she just wasn't her usual self with me. We used to be like two peas in a pod. But I guess I've been replaced. Her other pregnant cousin, MeMe, was there and she seemed to have taken my place. It's all good. They actually looked cute sitting there together all big-bellied and tired. *lol* I have pics from this too. I'll probably get them developed the same time I get the others developed and post them then.
Man, I'm in a writing mood today.. but nothing I wanna talk about has any thing to do with each other... so I'd just be all over the place... so maybe i'll just stretch it out over a few days. Hmmm... yeah that's what I'll do. Soooooooooo... be on the lookout for my ramblings. Yay!
"When the answer is simple, God is answering." ~Albert Einstein
My life is simple right now. For a while it wasn't. I never blogged much about the unfolding drama in my life over the last 2-3 months but it was definitely there. My drama was thick like Monique. I mean seriously... I was in some stuff. But it's amazing how things just... melted away. I'm in a state of peace...I'm happy.
My mother's 50th Birthday Party was a few weeks ago. I'll have a few pics up whenever I decide to take them to get developed. I'm not good with that. Usually by the time I get a roll of film developed, I have the slightest idea what's on them. *haha* Oh well...I'm sure that won't happen with this. My momma is gonna want to see her pictures. I must say, the party turned out better than I thought it would. My mom's a planner and she has to have everything perfect... which was driving me COMPLETELY INSANE!! I was like.. "mom, just play music and let em eat! Problem solved!" (which is why i'd never have a party for myself, my party would really suck. lol) But of course my mom wanted games and giveaways, and contests and etc etc... So we slaved over that.... but it turned out to be wonderful. I had sooo much fun. But I'm really glad all that's over. The planning was too extensive for my taste.
My cousin doesn't hate me after all... but she's still holding a grudge and I know it. I'm a punk so I went to her baby shower. I felt like Zoe Mikeya (which is what she plans to name her little girl. Don't ask!!) shouldn't have to suffer because her mother got issues. Zoe has enough problems already and she isn't even born. So I bought Zoe some things... and headed on to the lil baby shower. My cousin gave me a hug...but you know... she just wasn't her usual self with me. We used to be like two peas in a pod. But I guess I've been replaced. Her other pregnant cousin, MeMe, was there and she seemed to have taken my place. It's all good. They actually looked cute sitting there together all big-bellied and tired. *lol* I have pics from this too. I'll probably get them developed the same time I get the others developed and post them then.
Man, I'm in a writing mood today.. but nothing I wanna talk about has any thing to do with each other... so I'd just be all over the place... so maybe i'll just stretch it out over a few days. Hmmm... yeah that's what I'll do. Soooooooooo... be on the lookout for my ramblings. Yay!
"When the answer is simple, God is answering." ~Albert Einstein
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