I think a lot.
Everyone that has ever spent time with me knows that I often stare into space…thinking…wondering… imagining. The sad thing is that none of the things I think ever hardly connect with each other. They are totally random thoughts …just swimming around up there... only to be broken by an outside voice asking me... "Sway...what are you thinking about". I usually say a lot... and leave it at that. Theres no way i could even begin to discuss the 590823 things that run through my mind at any given second. But I guess today I just feel like sharing some of them.
*** I feel that the best part of event is the time leading up to it. I guess the suspense…anticipation…excitement of something can sometimes be so great that the actual “climax” of the situation is kinda overshadowed. Especially since I am a dreamer. My imaginations of how wonderful an event is going to be usually is way better than the actual event. I guess sometimes the thought of something is better than that actual something. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes the event could be exactly how I imagined…but now it’s over and done with…and there’s nothing left to get excited about. It’s like, you think all day and all night about something…then once it’s here, it’s over very quickly (in comparison to how long it took to get here) and then it’s down hill from there. Like Christmas… we spend months preparing for this ONE DAY. Not to say Christmas isn’t a wonderful event because it is…but starting from thanksgiving…the spirit of Christmas is steadily building. It’s like…well for me and my family anyways, everyone is in a great mood. We’re reflecting on the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior and we’re remembering what He did for us. We’re extra sensitive to being kind and giving and etc… and its soooo great. But it seems like at MIDNIGHT on Christmas day…all the lights…and happiness and songs and hand holding etc.. is over. It’s done with.. There is no cool down. No tapered end. It’s just over… cold turkey. It’s like that with everything in my experience: Prom…. First kisses… First sexual encounter… College…Parties…etc. It doesn’t matter… it seems like you are all excited and hyped about it… dreaming of how it’s gonna be… preparing for it… waiting…anticipating… etc… then it comes… and then it’s over… who cares about prom after it’s over? There’s nothing left to look forward to. I guess I said all of this to say… I’m scared to get married. What if the best part of marriage is the time before it happens? Ya know... like the anticipation of meeting your husband...dating him and wondering if he'll ever propose and then having him propose and planning the wedding...then having the wedding and going on your honeymoon...? What if that's the best part? What if it’s all down hill from there? What if right now… the unknown...the uncertaincy…the anticipation of when, who, where, how… is the best part of my love life?
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. - Einstein
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***I really enjoyed the game last night…though staying up so late is really taking its toll on me right now. I didn’t know who to root for. I like them both equally. Besides the Falcons, the Vikings and Eagles are my two favorite teams. It was a pretty good game… except for the fact that Culpepper can seem to hold on to the ball during CRUCIAL times. I mean, you are what… 3 yards a way from a TD and you get RIGHT THERE TO THE LINE.. I mean RIGHT ON THE LINE.. and fumble. Ugh. I was kinda upset with him about that. I think they said he’s had 69 fumbles in 60 games. lol. That is retarded! lol. Oh well though.. I really didn’t care who won…so hey….Yeah Eagles. But to be honest, I guess I’m glad the Eagles won at home home because their fans be off da FRIGGIN CHAIN. Philly fans are interesting. They be so crunk.
"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm"--Abraham Lincoln
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***I was looking at this show called The Potter’s House before work this morning and Bishop Jakes was talking to men about how to be men and the issues men face and etc. All I can say is… Bishop Jakes brought up a lot of issues men deal with and it really opened my eyes on men and what they go through and their mentality about things. I know you’re probably wondering why I was watching a men’s conference. Well…a few weeks ago they had a women conference where all the women talked about issues…and how to be a good wife and a mother without compromising who they are as individuals and wonderful powerful strong women. The women’s conference was powerful and I learned a lot from it, but I distinctly remember saying, “If only the men would listen to this, they would understand us so much better …” So when I saw that the men’s conference was coming this week… I decided that I would take my own advice and try to understand them. Now these were not just ANY men. These were powerful church leaders/figures…strong Christian men…fathers… husbands…CEO’s of powerful companies…etc. The men on the panel were men who knew some things. So they enlightened me on a lot of the issues men face. I mean, some of the things I already knew…but still they brought even more light to subjects I was aware of from jump. Example…
As babies and children, men are taught to suck it up. They may be bleeding from the head, but what does daddy say, “aw boy, you’ll be alright. Stop all that crying.” As children they are often told… be a man, be tough… don’t let them see you sweat… boys don’t cry…. keep it together…etc… And they grow up feeling as if showing their emotions or hurt or pain is wrong. Somehow if they “feel” things…they are now less of a man. They aren’t allowed to cry…they can’t talk about their feelings… yet we as women…expect them somehow to be sensitive creatures when they become our husbands or boyfriends. We expect them to tell us what’s wrong and pour their heart out to us. You can’t just undo what’s been done their entire lives. It takes time. There are years of holding back, holding in, channeling… trying to “keep it together” … working within him. I never thought about it quite like that. And then we catch attitudes when they don’t pour out their feelings like we do… and it seems that the only emotion that they can muster up is Anger. Their hurt and pain is surfaced through misplaced anger. I dunno… I can go on and on about that… Of course not ALL men are like that… but it was interesting to hear how strongly society shapes us and plays a major role in the people we are today.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation"
- Oscar Wilde
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***The fall does interesting things to me. It’s almost like I can smell love in the air. I’ve always associated fall with the beginning of school (of course)… football…band…and love. Why love. I’m not sure. Spring is my favorite season…and it’s also when the MOST interesting things in my life has happened…good and bad, yet fall is when I reminisce about my life experiences. I began thinking about how happy I usually am around this time. I have good memories of walks in the park… wind blowing through my hair… kisses…hugs… whispers of “I love you”… it’s only in the fall I remember these things. And then I get extra mushy... and whomever I’m with at the time (if anyone) has to put up with me wanting to do all of these romantic things. lol. It stops after Christmas though.. lol. For some reason, the New Year calls for a new attitude. I don’t really do resolutions… but I do stop being all mushy and lovey dovey.
Well I guess we’ll see what wonderful exciting memories this Fall will bring me.
"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."-Alexander Smith
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