I HAVE...

~Lived in the garage of someone else’s house.

~Walked in on my parents having “relations”.

~Had nights where I literally thought when I went to sleep, I’d never wake up again.

~Fell down 2 flights of wooden stairs

~Had out of body experiences.

~Slept through an entire day and a half without waking up for the restroom, food, or water.

~Been chased through Washington DC by a homeless man.

~Lied half of my life about where I lived and why people couldn’t come visit me.

~Sang at the age of 10 with people from around the world for a special world chorus at stone mountain.

~Broken my collar bone

~Seen a "miracle"

~Heard over 10 operas in their entirety

~Become addicted to the taste of vitamins.

~Had my best friend and boyfriend hook up behind my back.

~Worn cross colors.

~Ran from a poodle

~Threatened to jump out of a moving car

~Laughed at a handicap joke

~Shared one chicken sandwich and a water from BK for lunch almost everyday for about 4 months with one my ex boyfriends.

~Taken home a roll of toilet tissue from work

~Never seen MJ’s “Thriller” all the way through with out covering my eyes or changing the channel

~Been on the news and in a newspaper.

~Fell asleep while driving

~Thrown up on someone

~Been in the front seat of a car where the hood came up while driving 80+ miles in the fast lane of I-20 (JUST like in tommy boy)

~Went to work and did absolutely NOTHING for the entire 8.5 hours I was there

~Been stalked

~Kissed a woman

~Cried because I hit a squirrel

~Walked right by someone I know and honestly didn’t see them.

~Been called a lot of “names” because of my poor eyesight and the above statement.

~ Dated someone famous

~Memorized the tag number of a random red car in 1987 because my I bet my dad that I’d remember it forever. (and I still remember it now…unfortunately, I DON’T remember what I was supposed to win for that bet. lol)

~Made up my mind to give up meat forever, only to go to Popeyes and order me some wangs (read:wings) and red beans and rice the very next day.

~Cheated on 2 of my 3908234234 boyfriends.

~Never told either one and will deny it forever.

~Been seriously proposed to 4 times.

~Slapped someone in the mouth.

~Worn blue contacts

~Broken up with someone for no real reason

~Put make up on my toes to cover a blemish

~Physically fought a guy

~Been covered in ants

~Cut someone’s gums (until they bled) with my fingernail.

~Never lit a match

~Spent 3 year of my life logging my thoughts on this crazy blog! Sheesh!

ain't that a shame...

How you know that though your company’s “face” is of the Caucasian Persuasion, your establishment is GHETTO.


* You can wear jeans, flip flops, and head wraps any day of the week .

* You got 550+ employees and 3 microwaves.

* At one of those microwaves, you can frequently hear co-workers talking about which girl they liked best on Flavor of love.

* Your boss got fired for stealing work laptops out offices and selling them to his homie and using the money and PTO days to take a trip to Hawaii…AND he comes back bragging about what he did.

*Ya’ll get church’s chicken to cater your monthly staff meetings.

*Work start at 8:30… and you barely make it in at 9… but you still the first person in the office.

*The company's idea of benefits is giving you free marta tokens.

*Co-workers email their husband’s flyer to the entire office to try and help him with his landscaping business. (even though he ain't got no landscaping equipment)

*You’re used to smelling nail polish on tuesdays around 2 cuz your co-worker always do her nails then.

*The only time people come to a meeting is when food is being served.

*Instead of emailing or calling your coworkers regarding a project, you just hit them up from your myspace and bp friends list.

I'm not Jamie Foxx...but....

You ever feel like you need to write a post for the sole purpose of updating your readers? I mean after all, they come by...so you feel guilty for not having anything for them to read right?

I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. I mean, I dunno. I have a lot to share…but I’ve shared so much with you guys over the last 3 years that… I feel like I’m all shared out. I’m tired of logging my failed attempts at love… complaining about moving when really, it’s not that hard for me to just do so… making comments about the randomness that goes on in my head. What for? *shrug* Today… blogging seems pointless.

Yet I can’t stop.

Cuz tomorrow I know I’ll feel completely different. So I trudge on… erasing and starting posts over for 30 minutes straight. Then finally giving up and looking for old writings I started but never finished.

I ran across something I probably wrote early February while still dealing with the TG and Baby situation. As much as I’m looking at it like a poem now… I don’t think that was my intent at the time. I just started flowing from where I was with life. I never finished…and honestly, I’m not going to…so it doesn’t really end… but, I figured I’d share it anyways. It still logs how I felt at that moment. After all, that’s why I started blogging in the first place. Right? Right. K, here goes.


Life is….

So unpredictable.

The day you get it together, is the day it all slips away.

Loving the unlovable.

Working the Imposible.

How can I be happy when the very thing I need… is the worse kind of disease.

Eating away at the very core of me.

Being the source of every sore I see.

Love.

I thought I had that ish figured out.

Give it when you want it and it gotta come…no doubt.

I was wrong…very wrong.

That seems to be my M.O. these days.

My certainties in life
Are the very things that go astray.

Life and love.

2 things that constantly bring me pain.
So easy to come forth.
So hard to maintain.

I’m hurt, I’m sad.
I’m confused, I’m mad.
Feel like my heart is experiencing
The worst kind of bad.

The kind where you KNOW ya’ll was right.
You staying up all night…
Trying to figure out how the plight..
Became so wrong.
Became long gone.
Became every sad song
You’ve ever heard.
Every bad sight,
every bad word.

How can a circle end?
How can it end when it didn’t even get a chance to begin.

It’s unfair,
To hurt the way I do.
To love someone so completely
That you’d cut out your own heart if you knew it would bring them to you.

How can I live with out a heart?
I feel like I’m breathing to death.

How can I go with no defined start?
With the way things are, I feel like I’m wasting my breath.

Life is…
So unpredictable.

Never know...

Sunday evening
April 23rd


“You’re leaving me now?”

“Yeah” I quietly sighed as I arose from my seat. “I got tickets to this UMOJA concert, so I’ll be back down on Tuesday.”

“Well thanks for coming to see me. I love you.” she said as she smiled and leaned from her hospital bed to give me a hug.

“I love you too Grandma”.

I didn’t want to look at her. It’s something about seeing her here that made my flesh crawl. I don’t hate hospitals or anything, but I dunno… I didn’t want to look at her until she was out of this place. Driving her oh-so-fresh silver 2005 Cadillac, decked out in her “Sunday-Go-To-Meeting” clothes, telling all of us how she wanted us to take her to Red Lobster. For a small lady, Grandma can eat!

I walked out with the intentions of walking back in that room on Tuesday after her surgery and giving her my usual, “Heeeeey Grandma” greeting.

I had no clue that the conversation above would be the last one we’d ever have.

I prayed for her when I woke up last Tuesday morning. I’ve never known anyone who had undergone heart surgery, so I didn’t know what to expect. My mother and her sister had read up on it and was confident that this surgery would end with my grandmother not having to worry about a shortened life due to the heart leakage she was presently experiencing.

I didn’t even know she was ill. The smile she wore and her quiet confidence that awed every woman lucky enough to be graced by her presence would not even allow her to look as if she was not not at the top of her game. My grandmother was tight with hers. If she felt pain, you’d never know.

My mom stayed at the hospital with her Monday night. I called mom when I got to work. Grandma’s surgery was supposed to be at 9am. The prep started at 6am. My mom informed me that Grandma was about to be wheeled in to the operating room in any minute.

I asked my mom how Grandma looked. She replied, “I’ve never seen someone go into surgery as if they are just going on a Walmart run or something. Your grandma is fine honey.”

I smiled. Before I hung up, I told my mom to call me when the surgery was over. The hospital was only 10 minutes away from work, so I figured I could dash on over and be there right when grandma woke up.

Before I knew it, it was noon. No call from mom. I began to wonder what was taking so long. I didn’t know that heart surgeries take about 4-6 hours, so I was buggin. I was watching my phone like a hawk. For the first time, the reality of the situation set in for me.

My SEVENTY-THREE year old grandmother is getting HEART SURGERY! I couldn’t even function. My mouth became dry. I couldn’t take being here not knowing why no one was calling me. I called my mom again at about 12:10. She said they hadn’t heard much yet and that she’d call when Grandma was out. I was okay with that. So I continued to work.

For some reason, at about 3:10, I felt this wave of anxiety overcoming me. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

But….mom would have called if something happened….right?

I dialed my mom’s cell at 3:14pm.

“Ma, is grandma ok?”

“uh…did somebody call you?”

“Huh” I frowned. “naw…why?”

“no one called you?” She asked again.

“Ma. NO! Why?”

“You sure?” she questioned, unbelievingly.

“Yeah, momma why? What’s up.”

“Well…the doctor just came out and told us it’s not looking too well. Just pray for her because the doctor said it will take a miracle for her to pull through this.”

I was crushed. I hung up the phone…and couldn’t sit here any longer.

She’s lying. I thought.

She’s lying…she’s lying…she’s lying.

She’s such a horrible lier. I’m just like her… we can’t hide anything. The truth always seeps through somehow.

I knew my grandmother was gone. She didn't tell me, but i knew.

A rush of tears had flooded my eyes and consumed my cheeks before I could reach for a tissue. I had to go.

I told my new boss that my grandma was at Emory/Crawford Long hospital and that I needed the rest of the day off. I got to the hospital around 3:30 and saw almost ALL of my family down there. I knew by their faces that my suspicions were true.

No more than 10 minutes later, someone came out to tell us that we can view Grandma’s body. I felt so numb. This was like some kind of crazy nightmare. How can she be dead? MY GRANDMOTHER?! No!!

But when I saw her laying there… face swollen from the surgery... Frozen in that last position...I knew it was real. She was gone.

I’ll miss her dearly. But now looking back at all that’s happened since last week this time, I know it was Divine. That was God’s will. It was her time.

She will always be loved and missed, but I’m glad she’s now at peace.

To be absent from the body...is to be present with the Lord.
~2 Cor 5:8

I love you grandma. RIP