Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Realizations

Well, Well, Well....

What do we have here?

Around 1 am this morning, I was going through my usual routine of preparing for bed and out of NOWHERE my mind was like....

Perfect Chaos

I hop on the bed, get out my phone and typed in all that I could remember to see if my old blog was still around.

SUCCESS!

For the next hour and a half, I scrolled through the last 10 years of posts, wondering where the time went.  I had several Aha! moments during that time.

1.   I seem to be averaging a comeback every 3 years. *SMH* I don't know why its so hard for me to remember this space.  I love what I have here. I realize how much I haven't recorded that I would have liked to, but I am also grateful to have memories and accounts of other random things.

2.  Something else I realized last night this morning while scrolling through posts. I HAVE VISITORS!  OMG....ya'll I felt so bad when I realized that people actually still read my posts even after I fell off.  Ya'll were still commenting and I had NO IDEA.  The last few years I logged on, wrote my post, and never looked back! *sigh*

First off, I wanna say SORRY! lol  I'm a horrible blogger!  A part of why I stayed up so long              reading was because I wanted to go through your comments. Thank you all for the encouraging          words and dedication to my journey!  I guess it is better late than never! I am hoping that I can            remember before 2021 that I have a blog and start back writing more than I have been.

Do I say that every time? lol

My bad.  I do have good intentions.  I just genuinely forget that I'm a blogger for days...weeks         months...years...

But I always come back. :)   Hopefully you all are still here. :)

3.  I tend to remember my blog around this time of year.  I read a lot of posts referencing my Dad's      birthday, which is actually next week. *shrug*  Maybe this old noggin is not so random after all.        Speaking of my dad, this birthday is extremely special because he is about 4 months CANCER            FREE! What a strong, beautiful man he is!  I so proud of him and how he fought through fatigue        and pain, while still working and teaching Sunday School at his Church.  That man is definitely a        blessing to me. His life is a testimony of how faithful God is and how to go through life's                    adversities like a BOSS!

4.  I am such a scatterbrain! lol  I'm also not that great at proofreading. *smh*  I could hardly concentrate because I kept saying to myself, "that is spelled wrong" and "what was I trying to say here?" lol  I admit, I just get on, type, and hit post.  I rarely proofread anything.  Ya'll were probably like, "this poor girl can't type for sh*t!" lol

Anyways... I'm glad to be back.

Usher and I are still married.  It will be 7 years in September.  Can you believe it?  We over here living well and thriving and ish!  I realize how blessed I am that it all worked out. I look back on our journey and am amazed at how different our relationship is now.

I realize now that I met Usher fresh off a broken engagement....and he was fresh off of a divorce.  We were each looking for something different. I wanted to get married after being so close.  He wanted to play around after being married for 10 years FRESH outta high school.  Despite our differences, but both found ourselves in something that neither of us were quite happy about.  Years later he confessed that he knew he wasn't ready for commitment and marriage after being hurt the way he was by his first divorce, but didn't want to let me go because he knew I was a rare find *not to toot my own horn, but "toot" lol*

I told him that was selfish of him to string me along for so many years.  But I was dealing with my own insecurities and fears.  After being left with no explanation really, I just wanted someone to stay. I just wanted to be chosen and kept....even though it wasn't the relationship I felt I deserved.  We were co-dependent and dysfunctional for many years.  It took me a long time to realize it.

I had a heart to heart with him when I turned 30.  I had given him 5 years of my life and I was finally ready to say "Sh*t or get off the pot".  I loved him with everything I am, but something about 30 made me want to get my entire life together.  I told him how I felt.  I told him that I felt like he used me financially.  I didn't think he loved me.  I felt like we were both settling because we were both hurt by someone leaving us.  I told him that I can't love him for the both of us.  I told him that if he doesn't show me the love I feel I deserve, then we should move on.

After 5 years of dilly dallying.  He realized that I was right.  He admitted he took advantage of my kindness initially.  He admitted his hate for women after what his ex did.  He admitted he was afraid to go all in, so he kept sabotaging this relationship. For the first time, we had an open and honest conversation about a lot of things.

He said that I was wrong about his love though.  He loved me. He didn't want to break up.  He wanted to take things to the next level and move in together.  He wanted the opportunity to show me that he can be a provider and protector.  He wanted a do-over.

I gave it to him.

It's amazing how different a man can be when he's all in.

Now, we're in our 7th year of marriage...13 years together.  Of course we are still who we are. Yin and Yang.  Not everyday is perfect. We still have fundamental differences that we argue about, but when I say this thing did not work out the way it was supposed to and I am so BLESSED it didn't!  We were NOT supposed to work.  But we do.  We are perfect for each other.  I've grown so much with him and he's grown so much with me. 

He got his grown man on and I love it!

Ain't no jumping from odd job to odd job BIH! He got a good job with life insurance and a 401K!

Ain't no putting his boys before me BIH!  He's home chilling with me...enjoying the good life we've built!

Ain't no laziness BIH!  He cutting grass and fixing floors!

Ain't no taking advantage of his lady BIH! He bought me a brand new Benz and is helping me pay off my student loans!

When I say this man has changed his tune and put his money where his mouth is! I am extremely pleased with his progress and his dedication.

Does he still do dumb ish? Yep. lol

Does he need to work on his romance? Fa' Sho!

Will I prolly be back on here venting about what he did?  No doubt!

But I am a living witness that prayer changes PEOPLE and things.  The good far outweigh the bad in our marriage and I have no one but GOD to praise for that.

Sorry this whole post was about Usher. lol

I do have other things going on... but they'll have to wait.  I gotta finish up some work.  I think I'm going to do something different this time around.  I'm going to send myself a reminder on my calendar to come back next week and write.  Let's see if that works! lol

Until then....


ps. I didn't proofread this either so sorry for any typos!






Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Chaos Perfected

So....it took me FOREVER to remember how to log into blogger.  It keeps wanting me to link with Google and I REFUSE to do that. 

Nope.

No traffic is needed here!  I love having a place I can come and spew out any little thought that passes through this noggin of mine. 

Earlier this year I read through some of my posts and was astonished.  I never realized how young, na├»ve, and immature I was. lol  I couldn't believe that I felt and thought the way I did.  It's amazing how one can grow and change.

Nevertheless, I appreciate having a tangible way of accessing some of my memories from years past.  I'm so grateful for the experiences and wisdom that life has given me over the years! 

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday and I couldn't be happier!  Not because everything is perfect in my life...but more so because I've finally learned to accept things as they are and celebrate the moment.  I feel as though I used most of my vibrant twenties trying to catch love and be hostage to it.  I wanted so badly to be married and have kids....to move out on my own...to loose weight...to "start life" for a lack of a better term.  Of course now I realize that I wasted so many years looking ahead and wishing instead of enjoying the present that laid before me.  Oh if I could turn back the hands of time! *sigh*


Life has taught me that I'm not in control of anything except my reactions to situations in life. 

I've had so many friends pass away around my age that my own mortality frequents my thought more than I would like.  Of course my first reaction is to shake it off.  But the reminder does help me realize how short life can be.  It forces me to be grateful for every single moment on this earth.  It makes me appreciate where I am and what I have.  Living in the moment has helped me embrace the chaos around me and look at it for what it is.  No need to worry.  Experience has taught me that God will always take care of me.  I'm perfecting my perception of chaos and I couldn't have done a better thing for myself! :)


I've decided that I won't apologize for not blogging.

In the past, I'd scold myself for not recording more of my life and giving more updates as I once did.  But I realize that I'm often too busy living to stop and record every little detail.

I've also decided I will never stop blogging.  Finding these posts have inspired me to continue living, learning, experiencing, and growing. Whenever BlogSpot comes across my mind, I hope I can find a way to remember my password and just post whatever I'm feeling that day...that year... that moment. 

Today....it's gratefulness. 

Fullness.

Peace.

Until next time.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Time is flying, but my eggs are chillin

It's amazing how time flies! I started this blog over 10 years ago.  I had just started working at the Cancer place.  I was young, cute, single, and BORED outta my mind. lol

Now, I barely have time to remember that I have a blog. lol  I guess blogging in this manner has kinda went out of style with Twitter and Instagram keeping everyone involved in everything....at all times.
Surprisingly, I refuse to be a part of either! lol  I like the anonymity of blogging.  Being exactly who I am and telling all my business, but not having anyone really "know" me.

I guess it's my therapy. Letting out what I don't say in real life.  Telling stories not everyone knows about me. Being free to be me!

I realize now that I'll never be into blogging like I was 10 years ago.  However, I'm so glad to have this blog and to see where I was and how I felt at certain times in my life.  I hope to post SOMETHING for as long as I'm alive...just to leave my little piece of legacy.

My two cents.

A glimpse of someone passing through this world.

So much has changed over the last few years.  Usher and I are still married and I'm so glad i didn't give up on that knuckle headed security guard I didn't really like in the beginning. HA!
You never know how life will twist and turn.  I'm happy.  We're happy together.  I don't regret any of it. Not even the breakup. :)

Our biggest challenge right now is fertility.  Specifically speaking...my fertility.

I've had 2 miscarriages over the years with Usher and they've been devastating.  I so desperately want to create a child from our love together, but that's proving to be harder than expected.  I went to see a specialist after the last one to see what may be happening and I got even worse news.

My tubes are blocked.  Huh??
Apparently, although I HAD two miscarriages (which means I got pregnant), I can't actually get pregnant because the test showed that my Fallopian tubes are both completely blocked.

Someone PLEASE explain that to me? lol

How is it that I come for one thing and leave with another problem that contradicts the initial problem altogether?!?

Anywho... the doc does an ultrasound and thinks that my fibroids may be the cause of the blocked tubes and suggests I get them removed.

So last year I had a successful myomectomy.  We re-tested my tubes after my surgery and found them to still be blocked.  The doctor waited a couple of months later for one last test before suggesting IVF and found that they were open.  Hallelujah!!  So now I'm thinking....YAAAAAAAS!  It's about to go down!

Well it's May and guess who's still not pregnant!  *raising hand*

I'm so frustrated although I know it's in God's hands.  It's just hard to see something that's so easy for everyone else, be such a struggle for me.  I know this is our test and ultimately our testimony, so I'm trying to stay positive and believe that God will do it! But I'll be honest, it's not easy to keep the faith.  After all of this, I've been charting and taking ovulation tests as directed by my doctor and the tests don't show that I'm ovulating!  WHAT!!!

Lord Help! Take the wheel!

What a miracle baby this will be and what a story to tell when we finally have a little one.

Through fibroids, adenomyosis, myomectomies, blocked fallopian tubes, and anovulation, I believe I'm going to get pregnan. Then once I get pregnant I believe I'll have a healthy baby...even through low progestrone, repeated miscarriages and a high risk pregnancy due to age and PCOS.  WHAT A MIRACLE HE OR SHE WOULD BE to overcome all of that to get here.

I'm ready to tell that testimony!  Keep us in your prayers!

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Clumsiness

Woo-hoo!  I'm blogging and it hasn't even been a month since my last post!  That is definitely progress. *cheesing and doing the wop*

So yeah... I really don't have much to say.  Just thought I'd get myself in the habit of logging on.  I keep forgetting my password.   I was completely lost for a while.

FALLING

Today I call myself doing my power walk.  I've gained so much freaking weight that I've re-joined the gym and started walking after lunch for about 15-20 minutes at work.  Well today I decided to walk outside since its like...65 degrees outside.  Absoulutely beautiful!  Anywho... I'm walking around my work campus and feeling pretty good.  I go to jog up the stairs on my way back into the building and whap out of nowhere I stumble on the top stair and fall TO THE GROUND! Oh my!  That HURT. I can't remember the last time I scraped my knee.  I'm waaaay too old to be falling on the freakin concrete stairs.  You know my knee gonna be all sore tomorrow. lol

I don't know if I was more embarrassed or hurt.  I have no idea if someone saw me because the building has those reversible mirror looking walls.  You can see out...but looking in just looks like a mirror.  I tried my best to get up real quick, but my daggone knee and hand was hurting like crazy.  Oh... I'm too old for this ish.  And how the heck do you fall UP the stairs as a grown woman?  Really me?  Really?!?

So I get up and act like I'm not hurt.  Go in the building and head straight up to my floor.  When I get back to my desk, I look at my knee and there's a big bloody gash on the right one. 

GREAT!

How am I gonna be sexy for Valentine's day with a big bloody gash on my knee?  And I know it won't be gone by then because...


HEALING

I have diabetes.  :(  Yep.  I was diagnosed like January of 2011.  I'm not to the point where I have to take insulin or multiple meds.  But I am on one pill a day...which is one pill more than I want to take.  So... you know... I'm managing.  Trying to get healthy.  The hardest part is... all of it.  The stereotypes from others, the weight management, exercise, the "diet".  Blah!  I've been trying my best to eat right and work out and I've gained 5 freakin pounds.  What's up with that!

Okay...well I'm on my way home now to see if Usher will take care of my boo-boo and drive us to the gym. 

I still gotta work it!

Laters, baby :)

PS.  I love 50 shades of Grey. :) 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Peepin In


Hello?

*Dusting off cobwebs*

Wow…you’re still here blog?  I was sure that blogspot would have deleted you by now.

Okay…I won’t make myself feel guilty about not writing since April of last year.  But like an old lover…this blog crosses my mind from time to time.  Of course I have to say hello when it does.  So here I am.  Hello! *waving* 
Well ya'll know how I do.  I give some quick updates and then I'm out...so let me get it started.

Committing
So Usher and I are finally official. *yay!*  We got married last September and it was such a beautiful day!  I still smile every time I see our picture.  It’s great to have good memories for those days when I come home from work and he’s sitting on the couch with his feet on the table, scratching, burping and asking me what’s for dinner. *rolling my eyes*  Okay maybe I’m embellishing just a little…but I will say that marriage is definitely not a fairytale.  Am I happy?  ABSOLUTELY.   But I’m also glad that I didn’t get married in my 20’s.  I needed all that time to enjoy doing nothing when I got home from work.  Living with someone is definitely different than just dating them and seeing them a few days out of the week.  Sheesh!  It's definitely an adjustment.  And it's not all bad...don't get me wrong.  It's just different.  I'm finding out things about myself too.  Like... I had no idea that I had as many pet peeves as I do.  I'm turning into my mother. *smh*  But on a good note, I'm also learning that I really am grateful for my girlfriends.  Now that I'm married, I want to hang out with them even more. lol  Sometimes you need a little emotional support and understanding that seems to elude even the best husbands. :)  

Cooking
So yeah… I’m not feeling this cooking thing. L  No matter how much of a renaissance woman you tell your man you are… or how much he swears he cares nothing about whether or not you can cook... they all still expect you to fall into that role at some point.  BOOO!  I hate it, hate it, HATE IT.  Not quite as much as I hate the gym….but a good second.  I’m not a terrible cook.  I actually do pretty well, but as a woman in my thirties whose gotten used to doing what she wants to do when she darn well pleases, it’s hard to follow the routine of work, cook, clean, sleep, every day.   Okay…3-4 times a week.  I don't want to make well balanced meals all the time.  Some days I just want a taco and some cereal.  Some days, I don't wanna even eat anything.  Yet I find myself in the kitchen with my little apron on.... baking...frying...sautee'ing.  Chopping....mixing....whipping.  Blah!

I know, I know… I’m whining.  I should just suck it up.  Everyone tells me that eventually I’ll get used to it and may even start enjoying it.  I’m still waiting for that.   We’ll see.

Winning
So ya’ll know you’re girl is SUPER TURNT (yeah I said turnt) UP about my squad this year.  It’s Falcons Central at my house!  Usher’s crazy butt has been getting rich off of these games.  He’s been betting folks left and right since the beginning of the season that the Falcons would have a better record than the Eagles and the Patriots, and would win against everyone we play.  Luckily for us, as the season progressed, no one wanted to bet him on Tampa Bay, and the Panthers so we didn’t lose any money when we lost those games.  And also lucky for us... he's been making out like a fat cat.  This past week, he made a good #150.  I AM HYPE!  We have Falcons flags flying all over the house.  The guest bathroom is fully decorated in Falcons paraphernalia.  It’s great to have that common bond with the hubby.

So you know it was CRAZY at our house last week.  We were A-town stomping all over the tables during the first half of the game against Seattle.  Then we both almost had heart attacks during the 4th quarter. You have to have a strong heart to roll with the Falcons.  Hopefully they’ll kick some butt against the 49ers this weekend.

Wow… my fingers are really tired and I haven’t even began to write about everything I want to say. L
How did I used to do this? *sigh* 

Well… I won’t promise to be back this year since you can see my track record… but hopefully I will.   And if I don’t touch back again…HAPPY NEW YEARS! lol

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ya Girl is here!

YAY! I finally got in. I totally forgot my user name and password for this thing. lol

Well hello there blog. It's been almost a year and I haven't so much as thought about you. It's crazy because there was a time where I would post a few times a day...or at least think about posting a few times a day. Now, I'll be doing good if I can remember I even have a blog and post again this year. *sigh* I always miss it when I finally do get around to posting. Then I vow to post soon and the next thing you know, months (or years) have went by.

So let's see, I have 4 minutes before I get off work. I'll try to make this short and sweet.

Reversing

So yeah, all that weight I bragged about losing.... I found it again. :( I'm back in the gym, but my body isn't responding as well as it did last year. Could be the stress I'm under this year. I got alot going on with work, with this new outside organization I'm in and with planning a...

Wedding

Yup, Usher and I are finally engaged. We have set the date for Sept 22nd and all this wedding planning is stressing me OUT! It's hard to ball on a budget. And I found out that i'm in the wrong industry. The big money is in swindling happy bride to be's out of all their hard earned money just so they can have a fairytale day. *sigh*

I'll try to keep you posted.

Welp...time's up. Holla!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Who dat!

Well helloooooooo blog!

It seems as if it's been ages since I had a desire, the time, and substance to write. With that being said, there's no way I can begin to update you on everything that has happened since I last wrote. 30 has proven thusfar to be wonderful. :) In a few weeks I'll be celebrating my birthday again and I'm really excited. I sincerely enjoy the wisdom that comes with each year of experience. Anywho... I figure I'll dabble in a few topics and see where my mind flows.

Shacking
First and foremost, would you believe that Usher and I are living together? Wait...can you believe first of all that we're still together? lol It's been what...5-6 years? Wow! Time really is flying right on by. Now back to this shacking thing. I don't know what happened to my morals. lol You KNOW my parents almost had a full grown deer when I told them I was moving in with Usher. It was just something about being 30. I've always had this idea that when I'm thirty, I'll finally be "really grown" and I was gonna do what the heck I wanted to do. My first order of business was to see what was up with Usher. I figured we'd move in...see what it's like...then I was gonna be like..."aight homie, time to put a ring on it."
So far it's going really well. I'm still freaked out about having to share my bed, so we don't sleep together. I thought that he was gonna think that was weird but he's totally cool with it. We both still have our space, while still sharing space. It's the best of both worlds if you ask me! Speaking of sharing my bed...

Terrorizing
I am so terrified that I have somehow acquired bed bugs. No, I haven't seen them...or the nasty fecal matter they show on pictures on the internet. But I promise you something is up. 3-4 times a week I wake up with hive-like whelts or mosquito looking bumps. Sometimes there are red spider looking bites on me or small bumps. I dunno what the heck is going on, but I know I'm sharing my bed with something. I've shaken out my bed, flipped the mattress up and looked super hard. I wake up at three in the morning, click the lights really fast and look on my sheets and see ....NOTHING.
Usher thinks I'm crazy. Apparently, he's not getting bit. Even when he comes to sleep in my room when I'm not there. So I guess I'm just making up pretend bites huh? I literally have a hard time sleeping because I really think the bed bugs ware coming to get me. I hate being itchy and swollen. Ugh!

Slimming
On a good note, I've been losing weight! *insert numerous applause and accolades* That's right, your girl has been hitting the gym all year. I'm still big...but I'm looking better and better in my clothes. lol I have about 22 more pounds to go before I'm satisfied. Wish me luck!

Working
Did I tell you I got a new job? Hooray! I'll be honest, it's not as cushy as the cancer place. I actually have to work here. *sheesh* But it's a good honest living. I'm grateful for it too. I've officially been here since the beginning of the year. There's this one chick that needs a good backhand to the face, but other than that, I like it here. Hopefully I can stay here until I'm ready to leave. Here's hoping!

Until next time...