I've actually been to this blog several times in the last few years. I just haven't posted anything. Where do I start? Where do I end? Life comes at you fast. There's no way to update all that happens day in and day out without actually posting day in and day out.
So here I am. Not posting... or better put, posting a non-post. Let's see what comes up....
*crickets*
This past 12 months I have experienced a sort of...mid-life crisis. I never thought those were real. I only thought that it happened to 50-year-old white men who were balding and bored with their stay-at-home wives.
I don't have time for a mid-life crisis. I don't have the energy... or the mental space for it. Yet here we are... spazzing the heck out! Internally of course.
On the surface, all looks well. Usher and I are still married. My bonus daughter is now 27. Isn't that the wildest thing you've ever heard? She's older than I was when I started this blog. Mind blowing!
I have a great job, beautiful home, parents are retired and doing well. I get to travel, eat well, enjoy my girlfriends, do what I want basically and yet... I feel unfulfilled.
My birthday is coming up next week. My birthday last year marks the last time I saw my Father-in-Law alive (he died August 3rd), and the last time I received a text from my work bestie (she died August 8th). They made the 3rd and 4th "life changing" deaths I experienced last year. It literally changed me.
I couldn't stop thinking about all of their lives and how they chose to live...what they did...how they did it.
I felt like I had been shortchanging myself for years. I've been living a safe life on auto-pilot. Waiting for some magical day when something amazing would happen. I took a long hard look at my life and realized how much I lived for others, pleased others, sacrificed for everyone else, and took care of them over myself and my needs. I realized that I didn't do half the things I wanted to do. I didn't even really know what it was I wanted to do.
I cried.
Not like a quick tear flowing cry... but a deep guttural wail... an uncontrollable sob... a cry from the deepest place in my soul...that lasted for days...
Weeks...
Months...
Almost a year. :(
And... I'm still crying.
No really... I literally came here to post because I can't stop crying at work. I cry about 3 times a week during the middle of the day...to the point I have to go to the restroom or outside just to stop. And I cry about 5 times a week at night in the dark before I go to bed.
I don't know how to stop it. I feel so empty. So alone. Even with all the wonderful people and support... I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I haven't experienced enough. I'm tired of being the good girl, loyal woman, faithful dependable person who is everything to everyone.
I don't feel like I get that same energy.
I know people love me. But it doesn't feel like the same love I give to them. And when I took the time to start looking back on my life and my decisions... I can't stop crying.
I started reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. My childhood took more of a toll on me than I ever realized. Here I was thinking that I was okay, but I'm starting to realize that most of my personality, action, and thoughts are trauma responses. I am an anxious attacher who people pleases because I thought that was how you get love.
My romantic relationships have all been with narcissist who attached to me ... probably because I'm an empath...and because I exhibited low self esteem tendencies when I didn't even realize it. I don't feel that I have ever been properly loved for who I am... because I didn't even know who I was really.
This past year has been a journey for me. I've been trying to find out who I am and who I want to be.
I started reading books and researching things that have helped me identify how a lot of my life choices were made from fear, hurt, faulty paradigms, generational ignorance, and lack of confidence in myself.
This year I've tried to correct things... and I've made some really great decisions. I've had some hard conversations with my husband, my parents, and myself. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and sat in some uncomfortable seats.
I've changed. Permanently changed. I can't go back to being the woman I was. She's gone. Whether it's for the better or not is yet to be seen. Because I've also made some really, really bad decisions this past year too. Some of my "corrections" were "overcorrections" and it turned me in a completely different direction than where I feel I should be going. I have regrets...but at the very least... it's nothing that I can't turn back around from. I may take a while, but I'll get to HER. The woman I can be proud of. The woman that I can be confident in and non- apologetic for.
I have faith that I will eventually get to the better!
Right now... just pray for your girl. This mid-life crisis thing is WILD!
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