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Well... i decided to take yesterday off. I layed in the bed for a good 15 minutes trying to think of a good enough reason to take a PTO day but none really stood out. I was sleepy, but no more than usual. I wasn't sick.. and nothing hurt...and I have no husband, kids, drama to blame anything on.... so I just called in and simply said. "I need to take a PTO today. I'll be in tomorrow." No lies... no complications... it was simple as pie.

For the first part of my day, I pretty much laid in bed and surrounded myself with thoughts about everything. Sometimes with my crazy schedule... I don't have time to think about the events that has happened in the last few days so I really appreciated being able to get in tune with myself for a while. I was interrupted by the phone ringing. It was Anthony. I'm not quite sure why I answered. I SAW his name on my caller ID. And I KNEW why he was calling. We talked... well... HE talked for about two and a half hours (I talked about 30 minutes of that time) and after our conversation I wondered why I am so weak.

There are alot of things I love about myself. My ability to forgive, forget and move on is one. However in the case with Anthony... I don't think that this trait is actually an attribute. I felt like somehow I became that "naive woman that wanted to hear the lies that he told". I somehow became the woman I warned myself about. But how can one KNOW the game and still fall for it? How is that possible...and why?

Now in no means am I saying that I took Anthony back...nor am I saying that there's a possibility of us being exclusive like that. I thank God for at least that bit of strength. However, I have major problems dealing with completely shunning someone out of my life. It's like... he apologized and apologized and I let him. He told me "his version" of what happened and why he did what he did and blah blah blah... and I didn't stop him. It's like... all that "grrrrr... women rule...we all hate you... feel the point of my heal in your heart as i walk over you and strut with pride all by myself" momentum I had when it first happened suddenly left and all the feelings I had for him seemed to override my better judgement and before I knew it... I was hearing myself say, "Well, listen. I don't like what you did. But I am not opposed to being friends."

WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY? I dunno. But after we got off the phone yesterday I cried. I'm scared because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a friendship with him... but at the same time... I just realized I'm not strong enough not to right now. I dunno... i feel like a real punk right now. I gave in. I let him back in my life. I hate when I don't listen to myself.

I found out that though I AM a weakling... I do have my limits. Last night he called again to talk me into letting him be more than just a friend. I am glad that I can say that I firmly stood my ground on that one. His game was tight. He even got Taylor on the phone to tell her that he's sorry for hurting her but he no longer wants to be the guy he was... and that he wants to be with me. I thought it was a pretty ballsy move... but I didn't budge. All I can receive from him is friendship. The door is closed for everything else. Which brings me to my question...

Why can I let go of him as a boyfriend, but not a friend, when honestly... i really don't need anymore male friends... and we never really were friends to begin with?

Am I subconciously keeping him around just in case one day I actually DO wanna date him again?

Is it that I have trouble with abandonment?

Am I just being a b**** and keeping him on the back burner so no one else can be with him?

I mean...what is it!!!!!! I dunno. :(