What in the heck did I just do??

I almost forgot my password to blogspot. I used to log in so much that it would just keep me logged in. Nowadays my presence around here is scarce. Today I found a reason to write. :)

In the past 5 years, I've told no one in my "real" life the URL to this blog. It was my fear that one day while perusing the web, they'd stumble upon my blog and be pissed at the things I've said about them, or things I've withheld from them. I've always thought it to be a dangerous thing to know every real thought that goes through someone elses head. I'd definitely not want to know everything someone thought about me at all times. *shuddering* I know i've done some crazy stuff. I'm sure their perception of me at one point had to be negative.

Nevertheless, Saturday night I did the unthinkable and wrote down the url to this blog for 5 of my friends.

*hyperventilating*
Oh Gosh! What have I done. lol

My first thought was to rush through my blog and hope nothing horrible was in here. If so, I would promptly delete or change it. But after a few minutes I began to relax. Pandora's box has been opened and now I'll have to deal with them knowing it all! No need to try and change anything. My thoughts are my thoughts. Our friendship should be able to withstand the tales of this blog. lol It's really not that bad anyways. I have a knack for overreacting. :)

So...to my friends whom I've let into my world of words.... WELCOME! WELCOME! WELCOME! *waving*
This could actually be interesting if you guys really read it. I'd love to know how the "real" Sway and the "blog" Sway differ.

Unplugged

So much has been going on with me.

But somewhere down the line, I've lost the desire to write. The desire to share. The desire to be transparent.

I feel as if I will one day look back and regret not writing down the events of this past month. Not sharing my feelings and vivid accounts. Memories are sometimes biased. Sometimes they aren't as accurate as one wants to believe. I'm a testament to that as I try recalling moments I've had in the past few years I've written in this blog. During the times when I'm bored, I'll click on a link to 2004 and think to myself, "Did I really feel like that?" or "I totally forgot about that!"

I hope this blogging funk will end soon.
I guess we'll see.

He looks like me...

I am so overwhelmed and elated that I was apart of history.
Our new president looks like me. Isn't that something?!?
I have no words right now.
God is good.

Purpose

“Maybe you’re there for that reason.”

Those words hung in the air like a Cumulus on an otherwise cloudless day. She was so right. I was made to be the way I am because of the role I’d play in the lives of my parents. No one else could be my mom’s daughter but me.
For the last 3 years, my coworker and I have had daily vent sessions about everything under the sun. I’ve confided in my co-worker about almost everything. I’ve listened to her rant and rave about her daughters and husband. Her mom and siblings. Even our boss and coworkers. And I’ve quietly listened…sometimes lending advice about situations that I was all too familiar with. And likewise, she’s been there to hear me out with my situations. My boyfriends, my best friends and especially my parents.
Yesterday as I sat in the break room with her eating lunch, the conversation somehow came to my parents. Before I knew it, I was in full rant mode about my folks and how I feel caught between the two. My dad vents to me about my mom…and likewise. Not that she’s a bad person, but she seriously lacks communication skills and what I would consider normal human interaction skills. She means well, but never does well when it comes to relationships with anyone. And over the years, it has taken a tremendous toll on my dad and I. Him more so than me…of course, since he married to her and all. But it’s a tough situation to be in. To love someone who has this problem that I honestly don’t think can ever be fixed. She unintentionally embarrasses us almost everywhere we go. She’s controlling and bossy. Closed minded and stuck in her ways. Every conversation will usually lead to an argument and she will always take things too far and hurt your feelings.
Yet…she’s really the sweetest person I’ve ever met. She’s giving and loving. She’s always there to listen and give wise advice. She’s constantly trying to find ways to help others…and have done so on countless occasions. She’s really quite fragile, despite her hard exterior. Never understanding why people dislike her before she even speaks to them.
How can that be? I mean she genuinely doesn’t mean to be this brash, harsh person I described earlier, but her efforts to change only yields minuscule results. It’s something dad and I have learned to live with over the years.

It was the only reason I had to get my own place. My parents have a 4 bedroom / 2.5 bath house with a fully furnished basement and a garage. Huge back yard and plenty of room since it’s just the 3 of us. But my mom’s personality made the house feel as if we’re all stuck in a small elevator together.

I never knew how much it affected my dad until I moved back home. The relief on his face was evident. It was almost like he was saying “thanks for coming back and sharing some of the load with me”. I often wonder why I was the one who became my mother’s daughter. But the more I think about it, the more I realized that God made me just the way I am, to compliment the way she is.
I totally believe that God knew that any other kind of personality would not do. HE gave me some extra doses of patience and love to be able to handle these situations without flying off the handle at her or leaving and never coming back. I always wondered why my life took the turns they did…and why no matter how hard I’ve tried to get away, I just couldn't leave my parents. It’s like I’m magnetically drawn to be close to them…and I hated it for a while…but…

Maybe I’m there for a reason.

Maybe I’m the mediator.

The one who understands them both and gives them each reason to continue to stay together.

Maybe I help share my dad’s load.

Maybe I’m there to be my mom’s friend and counselor.

I’m definitely there for a reason.
I know it’s going to be tough when I move out for good next year.

A best friend

I wish I had a best friend.
Someone with whom I could share my most private thoughts without being judged, or given advise.
A human version of this blog.
A soundboard that I can just throw ideas off of without seeing a scrunched face or a raised eyebrow.
My friends are wonderful people. They really are. But i've noticed when I'm having a difficult moment in life, they are not who I turn to. I don't feel comfortable sharing EVERYTHING with them. Especially right when i'm in the middle of whatever i'm in the middle of.

Today that makes me sad.

I'm not sure why I don't trust them with my secrets. They've never given me a reason to think that they can't handle what I tell them. And Lord knows they drop their bombs on me all the time. So why can't I reciprocate?

Tuesday's Thoughts

So here we are.

On the last day of September.

How in the heck did we get so far down in the year? It seems that the longer I live, the faster time goes. Pretty soon it'll be Thanksgiving, Christmas then 2009!!

I'm honestly looking forward to the remainder of the year. Always hoping that latter will be greater than the former. I'm grateful that Usher is still at his job and I can finally focus on my bills full force now. I still haven't learned how to just be a girlfriend. I always go to wife mode. Always wanting to help a little more than I should. It's not right, but it's okay. I am who I am. When I truly get disgusted with myself for investing in people who can quickly leave...I'll change.

I have no idea what our plans are for thanksgiving. Christmas is going to be phenomenal! We're attempting to go to the mountains again. This time, we booked one HUGE cabin. 3 stories. 3 decks. Basketball court. 5 Jacuzzis. Pool and Ping Pong table. Play room for the kids. Enough rooms for 30 people to comfortably sleep. It sounds really great. And we're actually going to be ON the mountain this time instead of near.

I hate that Usher doesn't want to go this year. :( I took it kinda hard. It'll be our first Christmas apart and I got used to spending holidays with him. So that's the only bummer part. But we'll only be there for about 3 days...so I'll manage. lol

Anways...I didn't really want to write much today. Just thought I'd allow myself the satisfaction of pecking on a few keys so that everyone around will think I'm working super hard today.

Which I am actually. Have been alot lately. Things are kinda changing here. There's less people now, so I'm getting more work. Plus, it's been a more strict environment with the economy the way it is. Everyone's afraid of losing their job and are trying to be more productive.

I've been thinking alot lately about going back to school. Lord knows I need to. It's just that there's no way I can or want to take out anymore student loans. After pricing different schools yesterday, I don't think I'm quite ready to commit to paying out of pocket.
Hopefully if Usher and my mother keep their jobs...and I can keep mine. I'll be able to enroll in a Masters program next fall.

Keep me in prayer!

The Little Things

I've been taking this week to clean out my work inbox. I've been here for quite a while so I have an obscene amount of mail in my inbox. So I decided to go through them all, one-by-one and either delete, put into proper folder or let stay. I came across one and thought I'd share. I have no idea how true it is, but message was loud and clear. Sometimes the smallest things can save your life... or make your day...or save your relationship. It reminds me that not all detours and delays are for your destruction. You may have already seen this forward...but it just helps me put things in perspective when I get so engrossed in the bigger things.

As you might know, the head of a company survived 9-11
because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.

One of them
Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.

One's
Car wouldn't start.

One went back to
Answer the telephone .

One had a child that dawdled
And didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't
Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.

That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am
Stuck in traffic ,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone ...
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
God wants me to be at this very moment ...

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong ,
The children are slow getting dressed,
You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you
With all those annoying little things
And may you remember their possible purpose.

regards
david obeng

Bankrupt

Have you ever felt happy and sad at the same time?

It seems crazy to me, yet I honestly feel both right now.

It's like, I'm sooo excited about the fall, about Usher's job, about the fact that things are looking up... but at the same time, every time things finally look up, the underlying issues that broke us up the first time are still there.

I took a class last week called Crucial Conversations. It talked all about how to have effective and result-filled conversations without attacking, sugar coating, avoiding, or frustrating you or the person you're talking with. All while I was in the class I was thinking how wonderful it will be to finally use these methods with Usher and my mom. I seem to have the same conversation with them over and over again. With my mom, I'm always trying to find a way to tell her to stop smothering me and let me live my life AND learn how to handle your money. With Usher, I'm always trying to find a way to tell him that he needs to put forth more of an effort in our relationship...emotionally, physically, financially...etc.

In the past, none of these conversations ended well. With Usher they've always escalated into full blown arguments and showdowns about everything BUT what I wanted us to focus on. With my mom, I always back down and never get out the meat of my argument for fear of hurting her feelings.

I decided that Saturday would be a good day to casually talk about Usher and my issues and hopefully resolve them once and for all.

It so didn't happen that way.

I'm so tired of arguing with him because nothing is changing except for his disdain over our arguments and my disdain over his unwillingness to do his part.

It's almost like... I know deep down that we're not right for each other, but I can't let go because I'm not ready to. I feel like I've invested too much to just cut my losses and go. And I know that's not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. If anyone else was in my shoes, I'd promptly advise them to just get out! I'd know exactly what the answer is for them....but here I am not doing what I know I should. Making things worse by investing even more. Prolonging the inevitable.

That makes me sad.

I've known since I met him that he wouldn't change, and it has never been my idea to make him. I just thought that with time, his word would finally kick in. I thought that with time, my acceptance of him would be better. I thought that with time, we'd finally find our rhythm. And while certainly, we're much better than we were, we're no where near where a relationship built on communication, trust, mutual acceptance and understanding should be.

Times like this, I hate being in love.

I don't doubt that he loves me too. I know that if I waited around long enough, he'd marry me.

But why would I get married to someone that I can't even resolve issues with now?
*sigh*

I know what I have to do.

I just don't know when I'll get the balls to do it.

Or even if I ever will.

What's watching me

I've been in a training class all week. So today's been busier than I'd like my Fridays to be. However, I've been itching to blog comment on all the stuff I've seen over the last month or so and I realize that if I don't at least try to put it on here now, I never will. So here's my quick and dirty on some of my thoughts about what I've seen on t.v.

1. During the H. Clint.on's speech at the DNC, she listed all of these things she was proud to be, but none of them was a wife. Hmmmm. Bill come get your wife please.

2. And while I was watching the speech, I notice that her tanner/bronzer/whatever melanin challenged folks use to give their skin a less pale look/ stopped right above her blouse collar and it was quite distracting to see the contrast of stark white skin. I could hardly focus on her speech. Although she got my attention with "No way, no how, No McLame...errr Cain."

3. I love Michelle. Her hair was incredible. I mean that's not why I love her, but I just really enjoyed her speech.

4. Malia's lip gloss was poppin. Those children are so cute.

5. I keep forgetting Isis on ANTM is a tran.ny until she speaks. Then I'm like...oh yeah. She's cute to me. I like her.

6. I tried to see what the fuss was about Gossip girls one night. But I kept getting confused because all the guys look alike.

7. Prison Break is the SHIIIZZNNIITTTT!! I'm addicted.
Monday evening
me: baby, i'm gonna go ahead and go home.
usher: but why *frowning and looking at clock* It's only 6:30 and you just got here.
me: i know, but i know you wanna unwind before your friends get here for Monday night football. i don't wanna get in the way of that.
usher: stop yo' lying. I know you wanna watch prison break. football doesn't come on til 9.
me: womp womp.. busted!

8. The heck wrong with R. Kelly this week talking 'bout "What exactly do you mean by teenager?" He needs to be slapped. Hard.

9. Tina Fey's depiction of Sar.ah Pali.n was soooo freakin funny. I wish I could have recorded that.

10. Matt Ryan needs to be traded. I was so disappointed in the Falcon's game against Tampa Bay.

11. I couldn't hate on my boy Warrick Dunn though. Even though he's back with Tampa Bay now, and I hate them, I was so happy when I saw him move and shake all down the field for a touchdown on my falcons. I love Dunn. Hated to see him leave us.

12. To me, the new 90210 is not as good as the old one. I could be jumping the gun though. I've only seen one and a half episodes.

13. Two sentences and I was done.
"Do you agree with the Bus.h doctr.ine?"
"In what respect Charlie?"
Need I say more?

Is it really 2008?

I wasn't planning to write today.

Really.

Today I planned to play a few computer games, peruse the blogs I haven't visited in a while, and just look on the web for the host of things I've told myself I need to check out. One being, the show times for the new Tyler Perry movie at the theaters close to my house.
Well you know me, when I get there, I see a link to reviews/comments and I become curious. The first thing that caught my eye was a discussion entitled "God another crappy black movie".

Click.

You know I had to see what was going on with that.

So I read this Kara lady's post which said "I don't get it. Blacks are usually good comedians but their movies are so awful. Why?"

So after getting that "oh no she didn't" face. I started reading the 142 comments in response to hers. I just knew folks were ripping her a new one. What I saw was more crazy comments. But this one right here is the one that prompted me to slowly put my cup down, take a deep breath, and suddenly have the urge to write. This muthaf... err... person wrote:

Re: God another crappy black movie............. 28-Aug-08 03:00 pm
I was at a party last weekend and this black guy kept hitting on me. I finally told him to stop. Christ, is this the black mentality? You watch too many black movies when you think all white girls want your dirty aids-infested penis. My boyfriend is 7 inches which is more than enough for me. Plus he has a job, is good looking, and is intelligent. Find me all those qualities in one black guy - I won't hold my breath. Unbelievable the confidence blacks have considering what they have to offer. Ugh!!


Somebody come get this chile before I look up her IP address... find out where she lives, and whup her tail!!!

I know all of our men don't have their ish together. But there are a good plenty that do. I can name a host of Black men with good jobs that are intelligent and fine as all outdoors. It's sad the type of stereotypes people have and the type of stereotypes that we sometimes enforce. And on that same note, I know some bummy azz, unintelligent white men who don't work and aren't cute. So what's your point? Ooooh she just lit a fire in me. The nerve of her to even type that ish. She gonna make slap the first white girl I see who look like they're getting ready to talk slick. I guess I'm still kinda sensitive to stereotypes and racist thinking. Black men are my "Ms. Jenkins". Don't be talking about them. Woooh-saaaaah!

I Believe

Dear God,

I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry for ever doubting your love for me. After the incident with TG, my faith in you diminished so much because I felt let down. I felt that I made our relationship up. I felt like maybe I was a fool to believe in something that I never even questioned or had hard concrete evidence for. I asked You to speak to me. And when I didn't hear anything, I became even more discouraged. For the last 2.5 years I've sat and waited for your voice. Month after month I drew further away from you. The more time passed, the less I believed you cared. The less I believed that you were there. The less I believed that we had a real relationship.

But something miraculous happened. I'm beginning to see how everything that's happened thusfar has lead to this one moment. I never would have went for a guy like Usher if I hadn't went through what I went through with TG. And if TG would have never left me, I never would have questioned why I believe what I believe. If I never had this period of searching, questioning, seeking, wondering, etc... about Who You are, if You care, how I know You're real, etc. , then You never would have been able to prove Yourself to me.

Sort of like how You allowed for the Isrealites to be in capativity in Egypt for so long just to prove to them that You keep your promises, You have the power to deliver them, and that You love them enough to do so. You led them out victoriously. Showing your sovereignty with each new dilemma. You always made a way.

And my story is no different. God I know I witnessed a miracle today. If I hadn't been with Usher for the last few years and know his story inside out, I wouldn't be able to appreciate what you just did for him today. God I know good and well that man could never EVER pass a drug test on his own with as much stuff as he smokes daily. I also know that this pending charge he has for the mess that went on at the other job has put an abrupt halt to his ability to get a real job on his own. He kept getting fired from the small odd jobs he did manage to find because of his background, and that hasn't changed. But You...

You miraculously allowed for me to experience up close and personal how You care for us even when we're doing wrong. You've shown me the power of prayer. You've allowed me to see that in face of rock bottom... in the presence of the absolute LAST hope, You are always there to turn things around. There was no way Usher could have passed both the background and drug tests today. Every real job he's applied for has turned him down. Every opened door and opportunity he's tried has ended in disappointment. Everything we've tried, has failed. He hadn't worked anywhere long enough to receive a full paycheck, and the little monies he gained from those odd jobs went mostly to his gas tank. So for the last five months, I've been his source of income. I've paid his rent and insurance, and water and light. I've had to buy him food and water, all on my small income. I'm grateful that you allowed me the income to do all of that because I realize that even that is a blessing. But only You know how much of a burden and strain on my pockets that has been. How much my own bills have suffered. How guilty I've felt about not helping my family and friends because he required so much of my funds. How ashamed I felt because I know if people knew how much money I was spending, they'd swear I was an idiot and he was using me. How upset I was to be in this predicament in the first place. But You, God.

You heard our prayers. Knowing we don't deserve it, You're grace and mercy has looked beyond our faults and saw our needs. You knew we were at the bottom. So much so that I couldn't even blog or talk about just how bad it's been. It's so true that You never put more on us than we can bear. Just when it seemed that there was no other hope, You appeared and changed everything.

God, I believe.

This one simple act showed me that you really do have unconditional love for your people. It showed me that You are always there, whether I hear You or not. It showed me that prayer does work. That You are real. That we can do nothing without You, but everything with You. That you can make a way out of no way. That logic means nothing when it comes to miracles.

God, I believe.

I thank you for never letting me get too far out there. Thanks for keeping your Spirit inside, constantly reminding me of your goodness. Constantly pulling at my heart...edging me back into your presence. Thank You for showing me, YOU. For blessing me even despite of my wrong doings. For letting me know that it is YOU in control. For picking this day, to speak to my heart.
For the rest of my life, I'll believe.

Thank You for the miracles. Thank You for the job. Thank You for the revelation. Thank You for being God.

Re-Appear

We MUST be coming up on Autumn.

There could be no other explaination for the sudden re-appearance of the EX's. Ya'll know every year I always mention one of the oldies trying to make a comeback. I wonder why it's always in the Fall? Do men not like relationships when it's Hot? Do they already have someone when it's cold? I don't get it. It never fails. As soon as Sept/Oct/Nov hits...the phone calls and emails come.

"Hey Sway, how have you been?"

"So, you still with that guy from 2003?"

"I ran accross a picture of you and wanted to see what was up with you."

"You still single, right?"

BOOOO!!!! There's nothing worse than backtracking. I've one too many times and I'm not trying to make a habit of going back to old news.

I guess I can't hate on them for trying. I'm definitely fly! :)

But still, what is it about men re-connecting? They all give me that same tired line.

"Oh Sway, we really had something good didn't we? I don't even remember why we stopped dating."

Well I do idiot! And those reasons are more than enough for me to promptly hang up or delete your email without the slightest hesitation.

This year it's AM. Again. It's like, every Autumn he reappears. But what do I expect, we met around this time. lol

He told me about how he's finally ready to settle down, get married, have a child and all that jazz. Apparently, he thought that we were always cool and we had a good relationship when we were together. So why not give it a try.

Um...how 'bout NO.

Cool guy, but um... Sway needs more.

First off, were we in a relationship? Really? Cuz I remember not having a clue to what we were doing and you made sure it stayed that way. Then I remember all that nonsense with Vicki Jo and how you didn't even want to go out with me on Valentines day. THEN... on top of that, you just straight dissappeared on me after my birthday! That's how we "broke up"...if you want to call it that. I just never heard from you crazy behind again for like a year. But I'm supposed to want to get married to you? Are you serious??

Kneegrows. I don't know what to think. The sad part is that he's actually one of the better ex's. The rest of 'em KNOW I don't even wanna see their number on my caller ID. That doesn't stop them from trying though. Dudes gotta try. Eh. *shrug*

I wonder if he's gonna try to reconnect again next year? lol

Thanks

You know, every since my birthday week, one storm after another has just continuously crashed on the shore of my life. It's gotten to the point where I actually hesitate before answering my phone nowadays. It really got the best of me this weekend. I took bereavement leave on Wednesday to allow myself some time to grieve and to rest. All of the other situations I have going on has made me very sluggish and tired. And honestly, I needed those days off to just retreat. For the first time in 5 years, I'm actually worried about my job. They've laid off 40 people already, and their may be more to come considering the economic times we're in. So while, I'm trying to get a title and salary increase, I'm realizing that we may not be able to even get our yearly merit increase...if we're not completely fired. That's stressing me out. Then finding out that Usher's job situation isn't going to get better because of something that happened at a job earlier this year. He has to go to court about it and unfortunately until this whole thing is resolved, he will have a very hard time getting/keeping a job. Which of course means he'll be needing my assistance. Of course my cousin's death has me hurt. My parents are having some difficulties in their relationship and financially. I'm stuck in the middle of it. Church is crazy and I really don't like being there. My friends are all going through some BS. It's alot to handle right now. But as I came back to work this morning, God sent such a calming spirit to soothe my troubled, worried mind.

I pulled out a sheet of paper and began writing. Everytime a negative thought came into my head, every time I began worrying about something, everytime I wanted to write down a complaint, I wrote "Thanks".

Truth of the matter is, as long as I have something to complain about... I'm good. It means that I'm alive, and have use of my mind and my mouth. I'm able to feel. I'm able to think. Those things in itself are blessings. And the best part is that I'm able to hope.

I began to realize that as much stress as I'm under right now, and as much as everything seems to be going wrong, I STILL have so much to be grateful for.

So many of the things I was complaining about these last few months, have changed for the better. I finally got my IRS check, living with my parents is not as bad as it was, I was able to get my car fixed, I had a great birthday, I was able to make sure my folks had great birthdays, I got a new mattress and air conditioner, all Usher's bills have been paid even while going through this unemployment issue, I still have my job and actually like it, my health is fine and I can go on and on.

I am truly blessed inspite of all the storms surrounding me. Just as God allowed me to escape every situation I previously had, I have faith that these will be any different.

I still have hope.
I'm still alive.
I must be blessed.

Angie

It was 1988. Hot. Most likely summer.

I'm not quite sure what I did but my mother was set on punishing me for it. Usually she spanked me, which I've always hated. I've been allergic to pain all my life and that will probably always be. I'd take "being on punishment" over physical pain anyday. Nevertheless, on this particular occasion my mother didn't think a whipping was sufficient enough. My punishment was to attend a funeral of an older gentleman I can't recall at the moment. I probably didn't know him. Probably someone that attended our Church. Either way, it was my very first funeral and I had no idea what to expect.

I specifically remember my mother getting me ready and sending me off with my dad, since she didn't "do funerals". My dad held my hand the entire service. I remember walking slowly up to the casket to take a look at the body. I could barely peep over the side of it. A dark, wrinkly gentleman laid peacefully in a mahogany colored coffin. My heart nearly jumped out of my body.
I quickly closed my eyes and held tightly to my dad. I didn't understand death. How could he not be breathing? Why isn't his chest moving? Where is he now? I just didn't understand.

It's 20 years later and my understanding of death has not improved much. My labor day celebrations were cut short by the news of my cousin's death. I've never been much of a public crier, so I quietly excused myself to my room before letting out heartfelt sobs. Cousin Angie has been sick for a while. I've written about a few of her trips to the ER(here)... but nothing ever prepares you for a life lost. She just celebrated her 45th birthday at the beginning of August. All the family was there because there was an unspoken sense that this may be her last birthday, but no one expected it to be her last month. My last memory of her was at this celebration.
Smiling like there wasn't a sick bone or muscle in her body. Surrounded by her family, she ate and chatted with everyone like she had 45 more years left in her. She wanted to get married. Have a child. Neither of which, she'd done before. Sadly, she never will. Angie, her mother and sister were the best of friends. I've never seen a closer knit family than the 3 of them. Imagining their loss brought even more tears. In a sense, they were like a married threesome. Spending their entire lives together, living together, growing together...It's sad.

I still feel like that 8 year old. Wondering how could someone that was just here, be gone like that? How can she not be at family functions anymore? Where is she now? I still don't understand death. Unfortunately, I've had to deal with it a lot more these days. And the thing about it is that with every new loss, the old ones are re-lived again. I began to remember my grandmother who died in '06, and my gramma and granddad who died in '03. My aunts, and great uncles...friends and classmates. They all come to mind as I mourn the loss of the newest addition to the "other side".

They said early yesterday morning, Angie started to bleed from her rectum. Her heart stopped before the paramedics could arrive. She was pronounced dead around 7:30 am.

She was a sweet, gentle lady with the demeanor of a grade school teacher or librarian. Her laugh was infectious, and smile was blindingly bright. I will miss my cousin dearly. I'm guessing the funeral will be this weekend. I'm not quite sure I can keep it together. Unlike when I was 8, this is someone I've known my whole life. This is family. This is my blood. She's a part of me that I can't get back.

Please keep her mother, sister, boyfriend...and entire family in your prayers.

Rest in Peace Angie.

Rest in Peace.

Imagine

I miss working in our old building. While being downtown Atlanta is invigorating and quite a workout, I feel like we’re all packed in these little generic cubicals, running around like mice in a maze with no idea what’s happening beyond these four walls. I miss looking out my officle window and taking in the elements of the outdoors. I left my desk a minute ago in search for a window and just stared at the falling drops of rain. It looks like a cold November day. My mind wandered to grey cashmere sweaters and cream wool coats. Brown leather boots and plaid scarves. Hot chocolate and fire places. I smiled to myself thinking of how excited I am about the cooler seasons and how it’s just around the corner.

As I made my way back to my desk I started thinking about how I always romanticize this part of the year. I think of the wind ripping through my hair as I watch the sunset at some park. Listening to the rustling of leaves as I curl up to a good book and soft blanket. Smelling the delightful aroma of pumpkin pie, freshly baked cookies, or even cinnamon spice cider that the holidays bring.

As the bees buzz by my ear and I wipe the perspiration off of my forehead, I think of the upcoming months, and the longer nights I’ll have to enjoy cuddling up with my special someone. Being so cold that I can’t get close enough. Popping popcorn and lazily laying around as the happenings of the day fade and the two of us are the only ones left on earth.

These things make me smile each year around this time. I always become giddy and ready for the romance this season brings.

But it rarely happens that way for me.

Between battling colds, and continuously cooking bigger meals… toting around bulky coats and trying to find the mates to socks....battling the extra traffic, and the "bulge" that seems to come from eating heavier foods. After stressing over end of the year reviews at work, and praying that the car doesn’t act up in this cold weather. Romance seems to fade away.

This year I plan to change that. I want my fairy tale. I think I’ve worked hard enough this year to enjoy this last quarter of the year. I'm determined to be lovey dovey'd up. I'm determined to enjoy the season the way it should be enjoyed. I'm determined not to let my fall and winter pass me by without incorporating a few of my favorite things. Guess I’m going to start preparing now.

This fall... will be great. :)

Breeeeve!

I am feeling STRESSED!!!

I mean like... so stressed my wig hair is falling out.

Too much is happening. Work is crazy! I'm running around here like a headless chicken. Then trying to plan these birthday happenings by myself is really sucking. Everybody's calling me and asking me what we need to do for my mom...and for Usher. And I'm doing the back and forth thing! I'm soooo not a planner! This is a disaster.

Then my car is still acting crazy. I took it to a mechanic saturday and he swore that everything was fine. So maybe my car is possessed. Because everytime someone else handles it, it cranks up fine. As soon as I get in it... err,err,err,err,err. No vroom sound. Nothing. I have to re-crank it about 5 times before it catches for me. A mess.

Then Usher's job situation is awful still. I'm trying to help him with his resume and stuff so he can get a new gig.

My mom swears she's about to lose her job because she hasn't gotten any money in.

And my cousin already lost hers... so she has alot of free time to call me up and dump all of her woes on me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I just wanna scream.

Thanks for letting me vent. :) Even through it all... I realize how blessed I am to have a job. And family. And friends. And Usher.


I just gotta breeeeeeve! Wooooo-sahhhhh!

Speaking of

Did I ever tell you how much I love fridays? I did? Oh. Well ya'll know I'm good for repeating myself over and over again. It's a generational flaw. On both sides of the family. *shrug*

Speaking of family, my great aunt died last week. On her birthday. How creepy is that. There's something quite depressing about dying on your birthday. I mean that's such a special day to me. I dunno. It was sad. I didn't know her, but we still went to the wake and the family's house for support. I found out a lot about my immediate family from them. I wish everyone was closer than we are. It was nice to see pictures of folks when they were young, and hear stories I never knew before. My grandparents were never really open about their lives, so hearing about it from folks who grew up with them was amazing. There was no better place to be last weekend than that. I had a great time...considering the circumstances.

Speaking of weekends, I have no major plans for this one. I thought about going to look at cars and see if I may be lucky enough to find a good deal and trade my old one in for something better. Not that I don't like my car, but this whole, running hot, won't start for a second thing has got me worried. I'm sure it could be easily fixed, but I've been wanting to trade it in anyways and this gives me a good reason. Better now than ever. But reality is....my credit SUCKS! The dealers look up my information and laugh til water comes out their eyes. Browsing may be the only thing I'm able to do for a while. But i figure it won't hurt to try. Lord knows I don't have no $2000 down payment that I KNOW they gonna ask me for. lol I got a lil money, but not 2Gs to just unload at the dealer right now. Nope. That's a negative.

Speaking of money, this stimulus check is burning a hole in my pockets. I'm so ghetto. All I can think of is spending it on clothes, or a vacation. What happened to all that investing and saving crap I told myself I'd do way back in April when I first knew I was getting something? Blah! I'll be good. I need to save for a rainy day. The way things are lining up, it looks like a thunderstorm is in the forecast. Hopefully not, but it's sure looking like it.

Speaking of the near future, my mom and Usher's birthday is coming next week. I survived his mom's b-day with a few $20's left in my pocket. Whew! Now if I can keep my mom's expenses down to $100 and Usher's down to $100, I may be alright! *seeing dollar signs in my eyes*
I can't wait to get my finances back in order. I have soooo much I wanna do. Oooooh!!!! My FIRST order of business would be to get my big butt back in the gym. Man, all that weight I lost last year is back. Just chillin all willy nilly. I hate it. I tell myself everyday that I can work out for free at home or at the track, but I see now that if I'm not spending money to work out... I won't. How sad is that. But I know this about myself. I've embraced it...and now I gotta dish out some $$ so I can get my sexy on again.

Speaking of sexy... I saw my bus crush FINALLY! I saw something moving in the corner of my eye and when I looked out the window, there was his lil head bopping...backpack swaying, hands waving for the bus to stop. I tried to tell the bus driver to wait, but I was too far back. I only heard one other person say something to her, but I guess she didn't hear her either. He had to wait a whole 30 minutes before the next bus comes. So so, sad. But at least he looked good missing the bus. lol
I grinned all the way home knowing that he still rides my bus. I'm so lame.

Anyways. I'm out! Have a great weekend!

Druggie

I feel like I've been drugged up for a month. First it was the strep throat. Now its some unknown ailment that plagues my right jaw, cheek, eye, gums, temple, and forehead. Is it a toothache, an ear ache, a sinus infection...who knows??!!! All I know is the ish is painful and I feel like HOUSE popping these pain killers all day.

But other than that. Life is good. I finally got my stimulus check from the IRS. Isn't that something. lol I think they should have paid me interest for the the time I had to wait on them to get their ish together. If it was me owing them some money, you better believe by now some kind of fee would have been tacked on already. Aaaanywho, I'm very grateful for finally receiving some $$.

Now the key is keeping Usher and my mom out of my pocket! Okay we know that's not gonna happen. They both know about my check and both of their birthdays are next week so you know where half the money is going. lol

Other than that, I really don't have much to say today so... Later!

This and That

This
It's amazing how much difference a week can make. A day for that matter. After telling you guys how incredibly GREAT my birthday week went. I've been having a few "complications" this week. Mainly it's been the fact that my freakin FACE hurts!! I mean for real. The entire right side of my face is aching like nobody's business. It started after dinner tuesday evening
with a small irritation in my teeth. So I'm like...dang I must have gotten some broccoli stuck in there somewhere, so I floss the top and bottom row of teeth, paying extra attention the right side since that is where the pain seemed to be. I'm gargling, brushing my teeth, picking at it, trying to figure out what the problem is and why the entire right side of my mouth is progressively hurting. By the time I get ready for bed, my teeth, gums, jaw, cheeks, temple, eye, and forehead on the right side of my face is hurting BAD. Mind you, it's just the right side. As if someone cut my face down the middle and beat the ISH out of the right half. I tried Motrin, and Orabase and nothing worked. I tossed and turned all night only to wake up to even more pain. I went to the dentist yesterday for an emergency visit because I couldn't take it anymore. I was told it looked as if I'll need a root canal. Blah!
Gimme some drugs!! I screamed in my head.
I think I should have passed out or came in snotting and crying because they only gave me a prescription for 800mg Ibuprofen. Which is cool for some cramps...but doggone it, I got that AND a freakin tooth/gum/jaw/face ache that doesn't stop! I need something to knock my butt OUT! Something that as soon as I take it, I'm in la-la land. I guess I didn't look like I was in much pain. I know next time I'll have to put on the theatrics.
The Ibuprofen takes the edge off the pain, but I still feel some "discomfort" as the dentist said. Hmph. Almost lost the lil religion I still have up in there.
I wanted to punch her in her eye and mouth a few hundred times and ask her if she was feeling any "discomfort".

Anywho... I'm drugged up now...so don't take my aggression to heart. lol I'll be okay soon hopefully. When these pills are all taken, they'll know whether or not I need the root canal or something else. As long as the pain goes away i'm like, do what you gotta do. Otherwise, I'm falling out on the floor and screaming at the top of my lungs til somebody either give me a shot, or a stronger prescription. Believe that!


That
Okay so I've been kinda quiet on the fact that I was completely a slave to So Yo.u Th.ink You Can D.ance. I had the biggest TV crush on Will. Who I think is a lil "sweet", but I'd still be his Beard if he'd let me. That man has the looks, the moves, the personality. I luuuuv me some Will!! I would definitely be his groupie. Anywho... thing is...I found out something about myself.

I'm really into male dancers. Like really. I thought it was just strippers, but no. If you can move your bum, I'm the one. Really. I love a man that can dance. I started thinking about why I watch the show, and I came up with two reasons. Will and Joshua. Oh Joshy boy could get it too. Those dimples... the braces (even though he got them removed)... the booty... YUP. Joshua is the man! With his short self. Anyways congrats to him for winning last night. My mom picked Twitch, which I enjoyed too, but I knew after the girls were voted off that Joshua had it. Now that it's over, I have no idea what I'm going to watch. I need another TV crush stat!


This
Speaking of crushes. I haven't seen my Bus Crush in a while. :( You think he googled his name and came across my blog? It would have been enough to make me stop riding my bus if I saw some ish like THIS on the internet. Well... maybe not. I just did some real stalker ish and found out just now that I spelled his name wrong. So I'm good. But... um. I do wonder what happened to him.

That
So it's August and the birthdays have already started rolling around. Usher's mom's b-day is tuesday coming. I wonder what we're going to do. Speaking of Tuesday, I have a meeting with the "BIG" boss that day. It's supposed to be annual, but this will be my first time meeting with him about just me, and my position...and blah blah blah. I have SOOO much I want to talk about. Mainly, the fact that my boss (on paper), which is his assistant, is abusing her "power" by pushing her work off on me. I would like him to monitor this and act accordingly, ie. do one of two things: tell her to do her own friggin job, or compensate me for the extra work I'm picking up. I'd much rather the latter happen because not only am I doing her job, but I've also picked up the responsibilities of a lady I used to work closely with that they fired 2-3 years ago. Now.... how do I say all this without sounding whiny? He's a virgo...so he's about facts, research, and rationale. Any suggestions?

Birthday delight

I can’t remember an overall better birthday than the one I was blessed to experience this year.

No…I didn’t go on a cruise, or get engaged, or win the lottery for that matter. But you know what… Sway had a great mutha effin time!

On Monday, my oldest friend Biah…not in age but in the length of our friendship…took me to dinner. She and her 2 month old, hopped in the back of my car and we headed to Chili’s. I know she and her husband are struggling, partly because she hasn't worked at all in the last 3 years, so the fact that she even wanted to do something for me was a blessing. The place was empty save the couple in the corner and a family of four by the front door. We sat in a huge booth and chit chatted until our food came. Oh it was soooo good. I’m such a lame because I always get the same thing from Chili’s. The Triple Dipper baby! Hey, I know it’s an appetizer, but I swear I’m always full after chowing down on it.

“Anything for dessert?” Our plump waitress beamed as she took our empty plates. I patted my stomach while shaking my head no. I was full. Plus I wasn’t paying for this. I’m always conscious of not spending all of folks money when they take me out.

“Oh Sway, you HAVE to get dessert. It’s your birthday!!” Biah said softly. “Can we see a dessert menu?"

“Sure.” Our waitress brushed her brown stringy hair from her face and pulled out the menu. “I’ll give you guys a chance to look over it”

Of course my girl knew exactly what to get. I bargained with her to let us split the dessert.

“The molten chocolate cake please!” Biah devilishly responded when our waitress came back.


Ooooh she was soooo wrong for this. She knows I love this! It’s so go rich and chocolaty and creamy! Mmmmmm. We ate to our hearts content and little did I know. That was the theme for my entire week.

Tuesday was my last day at the office for the week. I hear a tap at my officle around 11:45 and see 2 of my co-workers smiling down at me.

“Hey, we know it’s your birthday tomorrow. You wanna go to lunch at Ray’s in the City to celebrate?”

"Of course I do! Just lemme finish this one last email." I grab my bag and my phone and meet them in the hall. To my surprise, 16 of my 19 co-workers came along too help me celebrate. Cool!
Everyone was ordering the healthy food. Salmon salad, veggie plate, grilled chicken and asparagus…etc.
“I’ll have the fried seafood platter please” I said nonchalantly.
Everyone looked at me simultaneously. I forgot this was a health-conscious bunch. I shrugged and said, hey, it’s my birthday!

My plate was by far the largest at the table. Ooohs and ahhhs escaped many lips when our waiter sat my plate before me.
“You’re not gonna eat all that” my Malaysian co-worker knowingly stated.

“Watch!” I said as I popped a perfectly crisp shrimp into my mouth. I was in heaven. 2 hours later, we’re back at work and I’m sooo full. I finished up some loose ends and headed home to get my celebration started. My cousin called me around 7 that evening to ask me if I was busy. I wasn’t, so I asked her what was up.
“Girl, lemme do your hair for your birthday. I know it’s jacked up.” She laughed.
“Whatever!” I said and rolled my eyes as I looked in my mirror. My wig had seen better days. And under it my hair was looking even worse. She was right. I needed a new “do”.
“I’ll be over in 8 minutes.”
After what seems like forever, my cousin had created a masterpiece up-do that was fit for a prom or a wedding…or something other than me going home and going to sleep. But it was now 1am. And I was tired. Plus, Usher told me that I was to be at his house on my birthday no later than 4:30pm. That seems reasonable to most people, but it IS my birthday. I’m gonna sleep til noon. Then after that, I got a billion errands to run. Plus, I gotta get an outfit to match my new hair right?

I think one of the reasons my birthday was so wonderful is because for the first time in forever, I had absolutely NO PLANS. I didn’t expect anything from anyone. I didn’t assume I’d spent time with anyone. I had planned to be by myself and enjoy my own presence on my special day. I realized that in the past, I’ve counted on others to make my day special for me…and they’ve always disappointed me. Not this year. I got up with a smile on my face and did me for a good minute. I went shopping. New shoes, new dress, new accessories. Check! Got a manicure and pedicure. ‘Bout time. Got my face “done” by a lil gay guy I call “Sweetness”. Hell I even let him put me on some lashes. I felt FABULOUS! I enjoyed myself so much that I didn’t realize that I was running late for my evening festivities with Usher!

“Usher baby, um, I’m gonna be about 10 minutes late. I gotta go home and change really quickly” I blurt out into my cell phone. I’m speeding from the mall praying that I don’t crash my car or get pulled over. That would really suck.
“ Home? You’re just going home now?” He said alarmed. “Um…. Alright. Hurry up!”

I sped home and slid my car down the driveway as quickly as possible. By the time I hit my room, my clothes were off and I was halfway done getting ready. My makeup was already done, hair already perfect….i just needed to freshen up a bit and put my dress on. In less than 10 minutes I was out the door and speeding down the street again.
When I finally got to Usher’s house, I was hot and tired. Man, this birthday has been long. I laugh to myself.

When Usher opens the door, he’s visibly stunned at how beautiful I look. A few weeks ago we had a big fight about the fact that he never compliments me when I make a big effort to look nice for him. It seems petty when I write it, but the ish was VERY serious at the time. lol
Anyways, his point was that to him, I always look the same…nice of course… but in his mind, he felt that I should know that he thinks I’m pretty. Which I do, it’s just nice to hear sometimes…especially if I really tried that day. Anyways… I digress.

I guess Sweetness did a great job making me different on my birthday because the compliments were just flowing. He loved the hair, he loved my makeup…and my dress…LOVED IT. :)Anyways… I looked like a million bucks and had no idea where we were going. For all I know, we could end up at waffle house. No birthday of mine is complete without that. But today, I didn’t dress up for him. I dressed up for me. Guess that made all the difference.

“Where are we going?” I asked in a little child’s voice as we get on the expressway heading the opposite way of what I imagined.

“To your house.” He says smoothly.

“What!??” I frown. I know I didn’t just RUSH out of my house to go right back.

I didn’t pout, but I’m definitely wondering why the heck we’re going back to my house. I become even more confused when we pass the exit for my house.

“Just sit back and enjoy the ride Sway” He said as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

We pull up at Daruma’s. It’s special to me because I’ve been trying to get him to take me there for about a year now. It’s always been too far away and expensive to just pick up and go. It was a perfect place to celebrate. I had Filet Mignon, Lobster, Shrimp, and Scallops. There was NO way I could eat all of that, but Lord knows I did my very best. We both had take-out bags (first time for me that week) and I had a hard time eating the complimentary cheesecake and sherbet the restaurant gave me as they sang happy birthday to me.

We chatted in the car for a while when I realized that we were heading towards his parent’s house. I say nothing about it because I knew he’d deny it if I asked. Sure enough, we pull into his parents driveway and I smile. His parents are so nice to me. They asked him earlier that week if they could come along to dinner, but he told them it was something he wanted to do with me alone. I guess this is how he compromised.
I walk in expecting to see only his parents. Instead I see mine…his sister…my cousins…aunts…uncles…dang everybody’s there! Where did they come from? I saw no cars?

“Happy Birthday Sway!” everyone cheers.

Awwww! A chocolate cake with a “28” candle stood alone on the table waiting for me to blow it out.
I make a wish and struggle to put out all the candles. Usher's mom cut the cake as I make my way around to hug and thank everybody. They all went on and on about how pretty I looked. It felt sooo good. Ya’ll know I’m a compliment whore. lol But really I think they were just seeing the manifestation of the genuine happiness I felt inside. Usher and I ate another piece of cake and smiled at each other. I love him. He can be such an butthole sometimes, but he's always stepping up to the plate when it matters. I collected cards and gifts and finally we all went our separate ways.

On our way home, Usher asked if I had a good birthday.
“The best! Now all I need is my I. R.-uh. S. check so I can get my new mattress and I’ll be set!”

My parents had already bought me an air conditioner unit for my room as an early birthday present a few weeks back. That was such a blessing!

I dropped him off and went home smiling. I had nice gifts: money mostly…a full body massage gift certificate and a really cute shirt. Usher gave me a card that was soooo sweet with a P.S. that read: “And by the way honey, I always think you’re beautiful. Even if I forget to say it.”

Awwww… the tears came… but I pushed them back in. I didn’t want to ruin my makeup. lol
The next day we had planned to go shopping for the other gifts he wanted to get me.
I walked to my room feeling tired, opened my door and saw the most beautiful Serta pillowtop mattress EVER!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I screamed as my parents laughed and wished me a happy birthday again!

They bought me a friggin mattress! “ They love me! The love me!” I sang happily.

So THIS is why Usher panicked when I said I was running late and going home to change. He knew they were bringing my mattress and needed me to be out of there. Ah! Sneaky man!

I was soooo grateful! I really did get everything I wanted.

The next day Usher bought me a single red rose. It was beautiful. Especially since he doesn’t “do” roses. lol

We spent up all my birthday money buying stuff. lol He ended up buying me some shades, Jordan’s, and more clothes. By the time Friday rolled around, I was too pooped to pop. I still had a dinner date with a girlfriend of mine at Arizona’s.

The funny part is that…all through the weekend, I was still getting birthday surprises although my birthday ended Wednesday.
My fingers hurt now though so I’ll spare the details. But seriously, I enjoyed every moment of my special week. I truly felt loved. God is good. Happy Birthday to me!

Chillin

I love Mondays like this. The office is quiet. It’s almost time for lunch. I’ve done mostly all my work and before I know it, I’ll be home with just one more work day of this week. I decided to take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off for my special day!
Hey, I’m spoiled. *shrug*

I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do or where I’m going to celebrate, but since I didn’t plan a vacation, I know whatever I’ll be doing, it’ll be in Atlanta. I should have planned a trip somewhere. I know. Maybe during the off season I’ll go somewhere. I’m amazed at how much of a difference a month and a half makes when planning trips. I’m like… why did I ever spend all that money going places for my birthday. I’m gonna start sitting my butt at home and waiting until the specials start flowing in.

Anyways… I got lots to talk about, but ya’ll know me. I’m lazy and don’t feel like typing, thinking it through… blah, blah, blah! I’m too longwinded. My mind wanders and I ramble on…then I have to try to remember what I was initially talking about…and that takes too much time and energy. Don’t feel like going through all that today. But I did wanna say hey. *waving*

Hopefully I’ll want to write tomorrow. Otherwise, I’ll catch ya’ll later on!

*****

Thank God for penicillin! A sista is feeling like a million bucks up in here! Ah! It's a beautiful monday. I finally finished this super long project I've been grinding away at for the last two or so weeks and what a big relief! I thought I'd never see the end of that. I gave myself a deadline of last friday, but after taking off last week to go see about my check which the stupid I. R-uh. S. mailed to the wrong address AGAIN... I just said bump it. I'll finish by monday. At least I had a plan. And still finished in good time if I do say so myself.
I love it when a plan comes together. :)

So this weekend was a blur really. I hardly remember it. Like seriously, I have no idea what i did friday night. Saturday I spent most of the day at Usher's. I bummed on his couch for most of the day while he cooked his famous teriyaki wings, chicken and garlic rice, and green beans. Mmm. It was delish! His live in friend is still there stankin up the place. Did I tell you about him? I probably haven't because i'd need some real time to write about that ish. Remind me to post that soon. Like tomorrow or something. Anyways... he was there and I'm so ready for him to get the heck on! He's sooo messing up my quality Usher time.

Sunday morning, Usher, his parents, his sister, his friend K-flight, and I all headed to the airport. Why? Because Usher's daughter was landing at Hartsfield airport at promptly 8:48am.
Yay! We get to see babygirl. Honestly, we don't see her as much as we would like. Her mom is sort of like Karen when it comes to trying to leverage her child as a way to get Usher back. Unlike TG, Usher ain't having it. Unfortunately for babygirl, her mom makes it hard for Usher to see her. But nevertheless, you can't stop them from seeing each other forever.

So we're sending babygirl to a camp for "plump" girls. It's in Alabama, so all the girls flew here and got on a bus to go. We got a chance to eat breakfast, take a few pictures, get thousands of hugs...and send her off on her way. Usher is such a cutie when he's with his little girl. Well, she's not really little. At 11, she's only 2 inches shorter than I am, and about 20 pounds smaller. And I've already told ya'll that i ain't no little chick myself.
But I digress...
He's such a dad with her. lol Embarrassing her by getting on the bus and asking the chaparones a billion questions. Kissing her and waving feverishly. It was cute.

After that whole fiasco, I went to his house, got in his bed and slept until around 2. I was hungry when I awoke from my nap, so we went to Captain D's where I was disappointed with everything. I still ate it though. Shoot.. I did say I was hungry. lol
The day zoomed by after that and now I'm sitting at my desk ending my monday workday. Where does the time go?

Well my birthday is in 2 weeks and I haven't a clue what i should do. Any suggestions?

Doctor's be lying.

7:15am this morning
cell rings

me: hello?

doc: um, yes, this is Dr. ____ with Kaiser, We've been trying to reach you all weekend to tell you that initial results for your throat culture showed up negative for Strep, however after receiving the results from a in depth test, it indeed shows you do have Strep. I will send your penicillin prescription in and you can pick it up an any of our locations. Sorry for the confusion ma'am.

me: Okay thanks. *hanging up*

Ain't that about a b****!

I done went to white waters for like 8 hours saturday. Playing all in the wave pool. Hugging up on Usher and my dad under the big water bucket that was spewing hail size drops of water on our heads. Then went to the movies with Usher to see Hancock and we was all in each other's face. Done went to Church and hugged about 50-11 people. And I got strep throat! Oops. Sorry folks!

See... I knew something was wrong. I should've neva trusted that whole "oh it's just a really sore throat, it'll go away" mess the doc was talking about.

Glad they finally caught it, but daaaang I sure would have liked to know about this last week so I could have asked for a doctor's note and used some of my sick leave. Blah!

Oh well... at least now I can get some meds and start the healing! Hooray for me! Too bad for everyone else.

Gulp

Blah! I don’t feel good.
I haven’t felt “right” since last Saturday. I kinda wonder if being around all of those bizzillion people at Stone Mountain last Friday and the nasty bathroom with NO SOAP had anything to do with my current ailment. I haven’t had too much of an appetite and I’ve been seriously fatigued all week. I mean for real. Taking my shoes off or walking up my stairs was a major task requiring about 10-15 minutes of rest in my recliner. I’ve been achy and my throat is swollen and red. What the heck is wrong with me? I couldn’t take it anymore last night and called Usher to ask him to drive me to the doctor’s office.

About 2 hours later, we’re walking out of the office, $30 lighter, and with no more information than we came in with. Doctor’s suck. *kicking rocks* I know something is wrong. All they could tell me is “Wow, your tonsils are swollen. Ouch!”

Um… don’t ya’ll think I know that. The told me to gargle with warm salt water and get some sore throat lozenges (which I know too) and if another week goes by and everything is still the same, come in then.
I’m like….WHY? Why should I come in next week with the same symptoms I have now. Just do whatever you would do then, NOW! Money grubbers. hmph!

Anywho. I was glad Usher came with me. He drove both ways which really helped me out a lot. Plus I always like having him around in the doctor’s office. I dunno why. Just do.

Well I didn’t have much to talk about today. Just wanted to share how incredibly yucky I feel and hope to have a different report by Monday. Enjoy your weekend everyone! I have a pretty nice one lined up. Hope all goes better than planned!

Bus Crush*

*Disclaimer: While I will admit I may have some stalker tendencies, there is definitely no reason to be alarmed at the post below. It is for entertainment purposes only (although I’m guilty of a few of the acts below. Yikes!). Ya’ll know I luv my Usher! :)*

Dear Mr. Moore,
Although we’ve never exchanged more than a simple hello and a quick smile here and there, oh and those three times our arms touched when you sat next to me, I feel like there’s something unspoken between us. From the day I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were the one. Not “The One” in the sense that we’re soulmates, but as in you’re the object of my crush obsession. See, I wish I could say that this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way about someone, but honestly, I do this all the time. I have this crazy, unyielding desire everywhere I go, to find that one person on which I can crush on, and fortunately for you, Mr. Moore, I’ve carefully selected you as my bus crush.

Arian Moore. Is that how you spell your name? It sounded like that’s what you said the day you sat behind me and told some IT guy that you should be put on the list to get that chip installed in your blackberry. Plus I can’t really get a good glimpse at your work badge when you speed down the aisle trying to get your favorite seat in the back. I’m sure I’m close though Arian. I like that. I wish I would have asked you what it meant that last time we sat together on the way home. But I figured you’d think it was weird for me to know you’re name since we’ve never had a conversation. So instead I looked out the window while listening to my ipod and tried to contain myself after being aroused by your cologne. What’s that you wear by the way? It’ smells divine. I should get that for Usher.

Oh yeah, Usher. He’s my boyfriend. I hope you don’t mind. I figured you should know about him. Does that bother you? If it does just let me know and we can discuss it. I haven’t told him about you yet because I doubt he’d understand. What I have with him and what we have Arian, are so incredibly different that I don’t see why I have to choose. I love him dearly, but you… you’re perfect! I know it’s because I don’t know you at all and that’s mostly the reason why I love our non-relationship so much. I can crush on you with out ever seeing your flaws! Well hopefully. had to break it off with my last crush because I saw him smoking a Newport one day outside of the train station. Yuck! Fantasy OVER! I often find myself wondering what your flaws are though. It’s definitely not your face. You’re even cute when you sleep. Remember that time you fell asleep and accidently put your head on my shoulder? *smiling* I’ve never seen you do that with anyone else on the bus. Right then I knew our feelings were mutual.

Sometimes when I get off the bus, I purposely walk slow so that you can catch up to me. It kinda backfired that time my left heel broke while I was walking and I almost fell and twisted my ankle. I hope you didn't see that. You probably did though since you were right behind me.
Is it crazy of me to find your green and silver SUV with the Miles College license plate (at least that’s what I think it is after researching the symbol at work) everyday and park near it? Yeah, I guess it is. But I can’t help it. You…you are so… *sigh* wow!

I make a point to only look you in your eyes once or twice a week. Never more. I can’t have you knowing that I think you’re hot. You have those eyes that just pierce right through me. I’m afraid if I look in your eyes too long, you’ll know all my secrets.

Speaking of secrets, who is this Ms. Jones chick I heard you talking to on your cell this morning? *getting angry* Is she someone I need to be aware of? Okay I do remember you saying something to her about putting your name on the board as late, so I’m guessing she’s just a co-worker. I’m hoping she is. *calming down* I hope you don't have a girlfriend. I never see a ring on your finger so I’m guessing it’s cool to assume you’re not married either. That’s good. Although I wonder why? You have a good job. Your SUV stays clean. Your clothes are kinda preppy and you keep yourself well shaven and clean cut. You have a cool walk and dazzling smile. Maybe it's something crazy like.... hmmm. *thinking* Do you beat your women? I sure hope not. I noticed how well built you seem under your button down shirts. It would sure hurt to be beat on by you. Nah, I doubt you beat your women. It has to be something else.

Hopefully I won’t ever find out. I truly enjoy you as my bus crush. Keeping you as my dirty little secret and enjoying the moments we share everyday. You give me something to look forward to. Right before your stop, I always pop some gum in my mouth and adjust my shirt and will you to come sit by me. Sometimes I don't think you feel my vibes or see me because you're too busy looking for your favorite seat. But when you do see me, I love that you smile and sit by me. Will you ever talk to me? I guess I should make myself a little more accessible by taking my headphones off huh? Yeah I'll work on that.

Now I do realize that if the tables were turned and I received this letter, I’d probably be very disturbed at your stalkerish tendencies. 911 would have been called already and I would promptly stop riding this bus. But trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Just keep on being you and I’m sure little non-relationship will continue to flourish.

See ya soon!

Sway

Weekend Haps

So I lost my cell phone this weekend. I'd been asking for it for a while now. I always put it down somewhere and forget it. Given all that was going on, there's no telling when I lost it or where. I've ordered another one, but I've realized just how helpless I feel without my cell. I feel kind of crazy because before 10 years ago, I had no cell. I was just walking around earth all willy nilly with my beeper. Not thinking about who was trying to get in touch with me or anything. I was totally fine. Now, I'm spoiled. I'm constantly forgetting that I lost my phone and looking for it for a good 8 seconds before realizing it's not here. It's crazy. Can't wait til' the new one gets here.

Anywho...

I went out with friends this weekend. It was a much needed break from the stress of everyday with Usher and the parents. My friend flew in from NY and we crashed her sister's b-day party. How u gonna invite your friends to your sisters party? Well Tee did. We sat up there and ate all her sister's food. Then took over her living room and stayed until her own friends left. lol We so gangsta. She's used to it though. Anytime Tee comes in town, we always crash over at her sister's condo.

So around 11pm, Tee suggested that we go out to Barley's. The last time I went there was for the Atlanta Blogger Meetup in 2005. It was fun then, so I was game. Tee went upstairs and came down looking way too fly in a fitted purple sundress. She put her dreds in a cute updo and painted her lips with a wine color.

Okay then guuuurl! I see how ya'll trying to do. I said as I looked from one friend to another, one had on a cute yellow and white low cut dress. The other, a mini blue jean skirt and a cropped black top. I looked at my denim capri's and flip flops and felt soooo underdressed.

Hold up ya'll, I'll be right back. I dashed to my car, opened the trunk, looked through my bag and pulled out a red top with an attached black belt. It was funky! I mean not smelly funky, but hott!! Yes! Now, I know I have some heels up in here somewhere. Bingo! Some 4 inch black open toe pumps were staring at me.

When I came back in, they fell out on the floor. What? I said innocently.

I'm sooo mad you got clothes in your car!! One of my friends joked.

And shoes! Another one chimed.

I put on some clear gloss and puckered my lips. Ya'll know me. Don't act. Ain't nothing change. Sway stays ready!!

So we got to Barleys around midnight. Which I made known was TOO freakin late for me on a Saturday night.

I gotta go to Church in the morning! I can't be out all late. I whined.

No one cared.

We ended up chillin in the upstairs part of the building for the next three hours. I wanted a drink and quickly found out that my Apple Martini was $12. Um... yeah. I drank water for the rest of the night.
When I got home my mother was still up. I hate that she worries so much. My dad was snoring. lol He knew his babygirl would be aiight.

Sunday was a blur. I yawned in Church alot. When it was over I went toUsher's and chilled with him. We watched the BET awards since he missed it last week during all the trips to and from Augusta. One of his good friends watched it with us, so it was not that fun to watch. When the two of them are together, the conversation will be one of two things: Sports or Women. With Alicia Keys, Nia Long, Ashanti, Ciara, Keyshia and etc... sashaying on the screen every five seconds, you already know what the convo was about. Okay I get it, they're all fine. Great. Can we move on? Geez!
I know, I'm just hating. :)
Anyways, that was my weekend in a nutshell.

I took off work Monday (yes, again!) and hung out with Usher. Really I just wanted to go with him when he picked up his last check because I didn't trust him enough to not spend it. I had him put his money in my account so that I know he'd have enough for rent. Crazy huh? Hey sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

For some reason, my mood worsened as the day went on. All this ish with Usher in the past few weeks started to build up and before I knew it, I was yelling at him and telling him that maybe we needed some time apart. I didn't mean it for real. Well I did, but I didn't. I dunno. I was mad and frustrated. Upset and dissappointed. Sometimes I have a hard time accurately expressing what's wrong when I get like that. Anways, I made a big mess of things.

After he left his house and went for a walk, I got in my car to go home but was too shaken up. I knew I was wrong. Not for feeling what I felt, but for not being honest about why I felt that way. I didn't want to break up. I didn't need any time apart. The truth was that I was scared. Scared of the reality of our situation. Financial burdens are really hard on relationships and I guess I'm having a hard time handling it. I sat in my car for about 10 minutes before letting myself back in Usher's place. I figured he couldn't have went too far since he didn't drive, so I waited for him. After about 10 more minutes, I texted him asking him to come back home.
We ended up talking for real and I expressed my fears and frustrations to him. He listened then did the same. Sometimes I guess you gotta get these things out.

We had no idea what was going to happen next, but we left each other that day agreeing to keep on keeping on. Together.

Usher started a new job today. One thing I have to give my baby is that as much as he leaves jobs, he always finds another one quick. I am thanking God for that. Really. I am PRAYING that he can keep this one for longer than he usually keeps jobs. He's still trying to go to Af.ghanistan, but bills gotta be paid before he gets there. We didn't realize how long of a process this whole out-of-country job thing is. I guess they want to make sure everything here is taken care of and paid just in case you decide not to come back. lol I'll keep ya posted.

Anyways, that's my rambling for the day. Lata!

Here and there

Stealing
One of my favorite bloggers from a few years back used to categorize his posts like this. I used to think it was soooo cute and clever. Now, with me being such a rambler/subject jumper, I can definitely see how this is functional. So I figured I'd steal his format for today. :)

Venting
So today is payday and I've spent my check already and have about $100 to live off of for the next two weeks. Once I get gas and splurge on lunch today, that will probably be gone. I hate living check to check. It really sucks. And honestly I'm starting to resent Usher for it. Of course the only reason I have only $100 left after paying everything is because I'm including his rent in my "bills" for this pay period. His inability to keep a job is really putting a big wedge in our relationship. And I do realize that this time it isn't his fault, but because it's happened soooo many times already, I'm just getting sick of it. I want to tell him that this is the last time I'll help him in this capacity, but am not quite sure how to put it delicately enough to not hurt his lil male ego, but firm enough that he knows that I'm for real and he better get his tail back on the grind.
Any suggestions?

Mourning
Usher's best friend Neno, lost his grandmother this week. Even hearing this bit of news, especially with all of the other things going on, made me instantly sad. I've lost both grandmothers in the past few years and know how much that can affect a person. I planned to send a card to him because I just didn't know what to say. It's always awkward when someone loses a loved one. What do you say to them? I know that people meant well when I lost my loved ones, but really, they said nothing that made me feel any better. It was just the thought of them trying to relate that made everything better. The funeral is in Augusta today and both Usher and Neno are there. This made me think about my own grandomothers and how much I miss them. Death is crazy! I don't get it. RIP ya'll.


Hating
Is it wrong of me to kind of feel angry that Usher not only drove Neno to Augusta twice this week, but told me that I needed to call him to send my condolences, when Usher and I were together when MY grandmother died and he neither came to the funeral, nor asked Neno to call me to send his condolences? Is that petty? Probably so, but I kind of got offended at the whole thing. I'm your girl. I just lost my gramma. And on the day of the funeral, you are at your house playing cards WITH Neno and your other friends and all I got was a "Call me when you get out of the funeral." He didn't offer to come. He didn't offer to drive me. He didn't give orders for Neno to send his condolences. So why do I have to? Now I mean, I'm still going to do it because it's just right, but it pissed me off that he seemed to care more about his friend than me. I swear Usher is walking on thin ice.


Losing
Dang if the doggone IRS don't just cut me a new check and gimme my friggin money oooooowww oooo! I guess that would be too much like right huh? As bad as I need my money, they better be glad I've only called twice. I started trying to trace my checks a few weeks ago, only to read that I have to wait 30 days after they mailed my check before they can even send me paper work to trace my checks. With their reasoning being that it could show up any day now. Now I know good a well that it don't take but 3-7 business days for anything to get anywhere in the US, but I just went ahead and let it slide. I've been waiting and waiting. Checking the mail EVERYDAY for my refund and stimulus check. I've seen my parents get it, friends get it...co-workers get it. Hell, even my friends dog had a lil 5 in his mouth. I'm like, "where's my money?" I got stuff I need to do with it. So I finally get to my 30 day mark this week and call IRS up. They tell me they mailed my check to my old apartment...without having which apartment number I lived in on it. *insert cuss words here*
Why couldn't they tell me this ISH online when I looked weeks ago. They be on that bull for real!
So I ask them if they got a return on those checks to which they replied "No." So now I have to wait 10-15 business days for a form to sign and return back so that the IRS can trace the freakin checks. Again, why the heck couldn't ya'll just mail me the form weeks ago so that when it get here and my 30 days are up, I can immediately send it back. Why we wasting time? Boy I swear! *sigh....wooooh-sahhhh*

Anyways, IF no one has cashed them, then they'll cut me another check within a few weeks after the trace is done. I have no idea why this process is so long. I swear this craziness only happens to me. My current address was on my paper work, so why the heck are they sending it to my old apt. anyways? And now I have to wait a2-3 weeks for some papers!!!! Sorry. I'm just soooo hot about this, I swear i'm bursting at the seams.

Thanking
But when I sat down and thought about it all, it's probably for the best. At least I'm getting my refund AND my stimulus check! Better late than never right? :) Plus this way, it should be here right in time for my Birthday. And because of the delay, Usher and my mom have kind of forgotten about it. Yes! I may just get to spend these checks all by myself. Isn't that a lovely thought? Oh would I be so lucky???


Believing
My cousin is OUT of the hospital! Wow! And only a day after she predicted. She went home yesterday. And though she's still very sore and fatigued, she's having normal bowel movements, and she doesn't need constant pain meds anymore. What a blessing! She still doesn't know about the cancer, but she's doing better than anyone imagined her to do with the colon/intestines surgery already. I'm so grateful! Thanks God. He fixed this, He can fix the cancer thing too. Keep her in your prayers please! She had big victory already, but there's still more trials to overcome.

Excercising
I started walking this week. As you can tell, alot has happened this past week. lol I've always heard how exercise helps to reduce stress and yada yada. *rolling eyes* So I tagged along when my dad went running at a local track. The first day I walked a mile and ran around the curve of the track. Whut? That's good for me. Sway doesn't run mmmkay? Plus a sista was tired after all that power walking. But after looking at my dad and friends who've dropped 3984390843 pounds by just running, I got the revelation that I need to gone and try.

By yesterday I was up to 2 miles. Walking that is. lol But I did run around the track once. That's better than I thought I could do. I've mastered running with just enough bounce that my girls won't be jumping all over the place. I figure if I keep building up, I may have some running bones in my body after all. I'll keep ya posted.


Lata!