I'm bored. *sigh*
Every since my job pretty much banned non-work supported instant messaging, my down time has become less fun...and my days drag on with endless amounts of conference calls and paperwork. I need something to do. I've read almost everyone's journal on my "Daily Read" list in their entirety. And yes, I could come here and blog your eyes off day in and day out...but all of the pitter patter on the keyboard would surely raise an eyebrow or two from my boss (who conveniently moved her office RIGHT next to mine. ) Besides, I've noticed that the only time i'm motivated to really write something is when i'm either SUPER crunk about something or when I'm SUPER aggitated about something. lol. I guess the way you see me through my blog...it looks as if I'm Bi-Polar or something. lol. Da well... i promise i have some ordinary days...where i'm neither. Today is one of them. lol
Boredom sucks.
Okay guys... i've never really asked for "reader participation" before. (aside from my occasional begging for advice. lol) because i know most people prolly don't stop in here everyday like other blogs and i thought it too presuptious to think that i'd get a big enough response to ever successfully do something like that. But today... I am desperate. I don't wanna write about how i'm feeling today. lol Honestly, tomorrow i'll prolly feel completely different. And I just wanna do something different. Sooooooo...
After reading Grayse's and s.R 's blog a few months ago...I that they had a really cool idea. They asked their readers to all give them 2-3 things that they would like for them to take a picture of and then they were gonna post it up.
Since I got a cute ...and much needed... new celly w/a camera...which i just GOTTA use soon. and since i am SOOOOO FRIGGIN BORED *ha* I figured that i'd just piggy back off of them... and if someone actually participates and leave something for me to take a pic of...it would give me something fun to do.
Rules are...
ahh.. there are no rules... it doesn't matter. whatever you wanna see...lemme know. but err...don't get too fresh. lol. Aight... help me help myself! Gimme something to do! lol
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
Freeing Myself...
I’ve been a slave all my life. I didn’t realize how captured I was until I tried to get away and couldn’t. I am one of those people who needs closure to things. You wouldn’t believe how much an unresolved issue or situation will plague my thoughts, dreams, and everyday functioning. Its like….I can’t let things go until I have closure. I always wanna know why? What happened? Now what?
Unfortunately for me, life has given me many situations in which things have happened and I have the slightest idea why. Being the kinda person I am, I’d try and try to let it go…taking a deep breath and moving forward towards more positive situations. But honestly, I never really let it completely go. Years and years after it’s happened, I still wonder… “what was that about”?
When I wrote my last post on my crush… I didn’t realize that the point I was trying to make would be completely lost in my writing. I got so caught up in setting up the background that I got lost in the feelings I still have for him and I never got around to asking what I really wanted to ask…or say what I really wanted to say.
Thank you all for your support and comments…I thought all week about what each of you said. And you’re right…it is time to move on. But honestly….before I wrote that post, I had already decided to move on. The post wasn’t supposed to be about what I should do about him, or whether or not I should move on. It was supposed to be about why people say one thing but do another…and why things like that always happen to me. But as I read my post I realized that the comments you gave were in direct response to what I wrote….though I never really meant to write THAT. Confused yet? lol
See…at the beginning of the year, I knew in my heart that he just wasn’t feeling me as much as I was feeling him. Somewhere down the line the dynamics changed. There was a time in our friendship where I figured he was feeling me way more than I was feeling him. Those days were long over by the end of December. I figured his distraction could be linked to his attraction for another female and that he truly just wanted us to be friends. I was fine with that. I had accepted that…and though my feelings hadn’t went away…I had moved on.
My problem was that, instead of him telling me what was going on…he just decided to completely stop talking to me. I felt that after all that we had been through… he could at least give me the curtesy of saying goodbye. Let me know that you don’t wanna be friends…don’t just stop talking to me. I don’t deal well with that. I never have. That kinda thing plagues me. I need to know why? I need to know something! Anything. lol
So I wrote that last post to try and get some kinda closure. If he wasn’t gonna talk to me, I needed someone to at least give me their reason for why they think he’d say “hey, let’s be friends and talk and yada yada…” then never get in contact with me again.
I just couldn’t grasp how someone can say one thing and do something completely different. Well, not him anyways. I mean, I think my crush is a really good guy. Even still. And him doing this just seemed so out of character. I never took him to be the kind of person that would say one thing and do another. But he did. And that bother me, to the point where it made me wonder what could have happened to make him be that way towards me. And with every passing day…and the unringing of my phone…and the non-IM’s explaining what happened…just made me wonder even more. I was enslaved…consumed…overtaken by thoughts of this. It’s my downfall. Most people could care less why someone is ignoring them…or why they just got ghost all of a sudden...but me…when I really care about someone…that kind of thing doesn't sit well.
So that’s really why I wrote what I wrote…and that’s what I wanted comments on…but it didn’t come out right…and I never got the closure I thought I needed. And I'm happy because if you all had given me what i "thought" i needed...I'd probably still be in bondage.
*********
After reading the comments and realizing that I'd probably NEVER get closure..lol... i began to seek God (which should have been my first choice.) I needed help. I didn't understand why this kept happening to me. Why people just dissapear from my life with out so much as an explaination...reason...goodbye. It hurt me. It cut me. I was broken...and I didn't know what i needed to do to fix it. So I asked God for a reason. In the midst of this, i remembered that my friend Talvis invited me last month to come his church this Friday for revival. I told him I’d be there…and i'm a woman of my word, so i went. The church was small but very warm and inviting. I didn’t see Talvis when I got there…so I took the closest seat I could find and made myself comfortable. I was glad that I went by myself. I closed my eyes and asked God to help me to get what I needed out of the message. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted Him to speak to me. I needed that. As they began praise and worship service, I lost myself in His presence. I was instantly glad that I came. I saw Talvis shortly after that, but decided not to catch his eye because I knew he’d ask me to come sit with him, and I really didn’t need anything to distract me from what God was saying to me. Maybe I’ll write in depth another time all that was preached and all that God revealed to me…but that night, I was freed. I released all the situations in my life that I thought I needed closure on. That night…God gave me peace. In simple terms…God pretty much told me not to worry about that which I couldn't change… and as simple as that sounds, it's a totally different story to hear or know that...and live that! He put it in my heart...not just my mind. Isaiah 43:18 was in my spirit so deep that I had to look it up...it said…
18"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
I mean, I read that thang and just cried. Because I HEARD him. I understood what He was saying to me. And I knew that in order for me to ever move forward in Him, I had to let go of the things He didn’t mean for me to have. And letting go of something requires me to not wonder why…or what happened. I needed a major mind renewing. I needed to know how to move on with out closure….and God did that for me Friday. I feel so free. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I don’t need to know why people do what they do. All I need to know is what God wants ME to do. And once that thang got in my spirit. I was free. This IS my closure. I don’t need for my crush to tell me anything. I don’t care why anymore. Because whatever the reason is/was/will be if he ever calls...won't change the fact that he's gone. So thanks, to all that commented. And thank you crush, for the small time we spent together. I feel that everything happens for a reason….and now I know what your purpose in my life was. I pray that everything in your life is prosperous and blessed. God Bless.
Unfortunately for me, life has given me many situations in which things have happened and I have the slightest idea why. Being the kinda person I am, I’d try and try to let it go…taking a deep breath and moving forward towards more positive situations. But honestly, I never really let it completely go. Years and years after it’s happened, I still wonder… “what was that about”?
When I wrote my last post on my crush… I didn’t realize that the point I was trying to make would be completely lost in my writing. I got so caught up in setting up the background that I got lost in the feelings I still have for him and I never got around to asking what I really wanted to ask…or say what I really wanted to say.
Thank you all for your support and comments…I thought all week about what each of you said. And you’re right…it is time to move on. But honestly….before I wrote that post, I had already decided to move on. The post wasn’t supposed to be about what I should do about him, or whether or not I should move on. It was supposed to be about why people say one thing but do another…and why things like that always happen to me. But as I read my post I realized that the comments you gave were in direct response to what I wrote….though I never really meant to write THAT. Confused yet? lol
See…at the beginning of the year, I knew in my heart that he just wasn’t feeling me as much as I was feeling him. Somewhere down the line the dynamics changed. There was a time in our friendship where I figured he was feeling me way more than I was feeling him. Those days were long over by the end of December. I figured his distraction could be linked to his attraction for another female and that he truly just wanted us to be friends. I was fine with that. I had accepted that…and though my feelings hadn’t went away…I had moved on.
My problem was that, instead of him telling me what was going on…he just decided to completely stop talking to me. I felt that after all that we had been through… he could at least give me the curtesy of saying goodbye. Let me know that you don’t wanna be friends…don’t just stop talking to me. I don’t deal well with that. I never have. That kinda thing plagues me. I need to know why? I need to know something! Anything. lol
So I wrote that last post to try and get some kinda closure. If he wasn’t gonna talk to me, I needed someone to at least give me their reason for why they think he’d say “hey, let’s be friends and talk and yada yada…” then never get in contact with me again.
I just couldn’t grasp how someone can say one thing and do something completely different. Well, not him anyways. I mean, I think my crush is a really good guy. Even still. And him doing this just seemed so out of character. I never took him to be the kind of person that would say one thing and do another. But he did. And that bother me, to the point where it made me wonder what could have happened to make him be that way towards me. And with every passing day…and the unringing of my phone…and the non-IM’s explaining what happened…just made me wonder even more. I was enslaved…consumed…overtaken by thoughts of this. It’s my downfall. Most people could care less why someone is ignoring them…or why they just got ghost all of a sudden...but me…when I really care about someone…that kind of thing doesn't sit well.
So that’s really why I wrote what I wrote…and that’s what I wanted comments on…but it didn’t come out right…and I never got the closure I thought I needed. And I'm happy because if you all had given me what i "thought" i needed...I'd probably still be in bondage.
*********
After reading the comments and realizing that I'd probably NEVER get closure..lol... i began to seek God (which should have been my first choice.) I needed help. I didn't understand why this kept happening to me. Why people just dissapear from my life with out so much as an explaination...reason...goodbye. It hurt me. It cut me. I was broken...and I didn't know what i needed to do to fix it. So I asked God for a reason. In the midst of this, i remembered that my friend Talvis invited me last month to come his church this Friday for revival. I told him I’d be there…and i'm a woman of my word, so i went. The church was small but very warm and inviting. I didn’t see Talvis when I got there…so I took the closest seat I could find and made myself comfortable. I was glad that I went by myself. I closed my eyes and asked God to help me to get what I needed out of the message. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted Him to speak to me. I needed that. As they began praise and worship service, I lost myself in His presence. I was instantly glad that I came. I saw Talvis shortly after that, but decided not to catch his eye because I knew he’d ask me to come sit with him, and I really didn’t need anything to distract me from what God was saying to me. Maybe I’ll write in depth another time all that was preached and all that God revealed to me…but that night, I was freed. I released all the situations in my life that I thought I needed closure on. That night…God gave me peace. In simple terms…God pretty much told me not to worry about that which I couldn't change… and as simple as that sounds, it's a totally different story to hear or know that...and live that! He put it in my heart...not just my mind. Isaiah 43:18 was in my spirit so deep that I had to look it up...it said…
18"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
I mean, I read that thang and just cried. Because I HEARD him. I understood what He was saying to me. And I knew that in order for me to ever move forward in Him, I had to let go of the things He didn’t mean for me to have. And letting go of something requires me to not wonder why…or what happened. I needed a major mind renewing. I needed to know how to move on with out closure….and God did that for me Friday. I feel so free. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I don’t need to know why people do what they do. All I need to know is what God wants ME to do. And once that thang got in my spirit. I was free. This IS my closure. I don’t need for my crush to tell me anything. I don’t care why anymore. Because whatever the reason is/was/will be if he ever calls...won't change the fact that he's gone. So thanks, to all that commented. And thank you crush, for the small time we spent together. I feel that everything happens for a reason….and now I know what your purpose in my life was. I pray that everything in your life is prosperous and blessed. God Bless.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
“Chemo”therapy – beware extra long post.
I need it. Not in the “I have cancer” sense thank God. But there is some therapy and healing I need PRONTO. I’m so tired of these games that men play. With each growing day, I grow more and more agitated with the way some guys interact with me. I need to know if it’s me. I need to know what I’m doing wrong. Fellas especially…please read this post and help me out a little. Cause I can’t figure this out. Lemme explain.
I had a crush. He knows who he is…and there is MUCH reference to him in the title of this post. I wasn’t trying to rush into anything and I thought we had an understanding of where we were and what we were doing. We met in blog world, became instant friends and after a few dates it became VERY apparent that we were attracted to each other.
This is a clip of our IM convo a few weeks after the first time we got hot and heavy on a date.
Crush: Can I be real about something?
jazzylady_98: um...sure. please be real.
Crush: Sometimes, I want to ask you to come over to my place to hang out, but considering events of our last "encounter", I'm kinda hesitant....
jazzylady_98: :) hesitant huh? so you think that the same thing will happen if we hung out at your place again?
crush: Do I think it will.....no....but Im human, and so are you, and we are attracted to each other...or at least I think we are....lol:-/
jazzylady_98: lol. well...i'm attracted to you. i'm not sure if you're attracted to me....
crush: I've told you that I am already...remember..see you tryin to pick my brain early this morning
jazzylady_98: and yeah, i do understand what you are saying... i was just wondering what you thought. i sometimes want to hang out and have a movie night or something at your place.... but i do kinda wonder if we're strong enough right now for that...
crush: do you think we are?
jazzylady_98: but see...then again.. it's like... it's getting cold, and i like staying inside...and honestly, it would be much cheaper to do blockbuster nights or ya know...cook at the house or chill, talk etc... Those are the kind of things i enjoy doing in the cooler seasons.... so it's like.... on one hand, i would rather us hang at your place, but on the other hand, I don't want it to lead to things we're not ready for.
crush: Understandable...totally, but I would really miss out on hanging with you though ya know....jazzylady_98: i think that because we're attracted to each other, we're going to crave some kind of physical contact...even if it's just hugging or kissing or cuddling or whatever... i dunno. lol. Which is all fine with me, what I DON"T know is whether or not we will always be strong enough to JUST do those things....
crush: do you think you are strong enough?
crush: do you think its just me who isnt?
jazzylady_98: lol NO. not at all. i've mentioned b4 that i am very touchy feely. i crave closeness...and hugs and kisses....lol. So i think in that respect, I may be much weaker. But i do think that we could keep each other in check though. I honestly believe that when i get weak, you'd be strong and vice versa. It may not work out like that ALL the time, but i think for the most part it would.
crush: And for those "few" times when it doesn't work?? Hmmm....
jazzylady_98: i dunno “Crush”. i really don't. I don't want to NOT ever hang out with you though because of those possible few times where we both may really want more. i just think if we keep the lines of communication open and talk throgh it like last time, maybe we will get through it without doing something.
crush: your suggestions sounds do able....really it does!:D
Alright… that sounded simple enough. We were off to a good start. He’s interested…I’m interested. We’re communicating..trying not to get too hot and heavy too soon. We’re making plans to see each other. The rest of that IM is filled with us making plans to see each other the next day as well as saturday for bowling. Sounds good right. Well we did hang out the next day, things got steamy again...we talked and all was good. But um, that bowling thing… never happened. HE called to say we should take a raincheck on the bowling… I said cool and asked him if he still wanted to hang…he replies…”I’ll see what’s going on and hit you back.” He never did.
Anyways… here is what happened next… we went out after that and we realized that things were still going kinda fast between us and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that…or how he felt about that. So we talked about it at his house one night…and the next day…we have this convo.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: no. why would i be mad at you?
crush: cause of last night....you said that you'd have indifferent feelings in the morning
jazzylady_98: no, i was saying that i didn't know how i'd feel. meaning...how would things be between us now.... and how will i deal with what you do or don't feel.
crush: so how did you feel this morning?
jazzylady_98: i felt like seeing you again. lol
jazzylady_98: i wondered if you'd still act the same towards me...
crush: comon....are you serious?
jazzylady_98: yup. don't act like some people dont change once you let your guard down. lol
jazzylady_98: it DOES happen.
crush: yeah it does happen...but i'd hope that you and I are closer than that
jazzylady_98: i hope so too. so how'd you feel this morning?
crush: was kinda tired this morning, but now that Im up and going, im cool.......i thought about you as well
jazzylady_98: really? what u think?
crush: I thought about how you'd feel about me, or lack there of....thought about the possibilities of a future with lil old sway.......those types of things
jazzylady_98: you think we possibly have a future?
crush: I have in no way ruled that out, lol
jazzylady_98: :) good
crush: what about you?
jazzylady_98: if anything... it's become a stronger possibility. :)
crush: cool : )
jazzylady_98: u blog today?
crush: havent had a chance too....kinda bogged down, lol...but i can chat, just cant pull away to write
jazzylady_98: yeah. same here.
crush: lol...sway's slacking, lol
jazzylady_98: lol. I know, I know. I'll pick it back up. lol
crush: I hope so....that is what drew me to you, lolhahahahah
crush: but I like the "real" you better
jazzylady_98: lol. :)
crush: so I just read your tag....silver lining in my cloud huh?? ;)
jazzylady_98: haha. well...i'm trying to be. :)
jazzylady_98: lol
crush: ohhh...sway's opening up!!
jazzylady_98: shut up. lol
jazzylady_98: i've got a question, if you could only describe me with one word...what would it be?
crush: Glowing!
jazzylady_98: :) wow.
crush: that seemed to encompass everything, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally!
Aight…so we’re talking… he got me blushing… we’re progressing again. Everything seems cool. Even in this convo when I asked him what he thought of me…this is what he had to say…
crush: but back to the convo at hand
crush: I think that your presense is one of the most enjoyable I've ever come in contact with
jazzylady_98: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
crush: I think your smile is plesant to the soul....your companionship is above and beyond words
crush: you trully have an annointed spirit
jazzylady_98: :"> awwww. Crush, that's so sweet. I'm so glad you can't see me blushing right now. lol
crush: Im serious though
crush: I don't know if you and I are meant for each other forever or not...but I enjoy all the time we spend!
Aight. So he and I are still just kinda kicking it. I’m enjoying him…he’s enjoying me. We’re cool. Then it starts going down hill. He’s making dates with me then things “come up”. Telling me he’ll call back and doesn’t. He never struck me as someone who’d lie…especially when he didn’t have to. We weren’t together or anything. But at this point I began to wonder if he wanted to be with me…I had started thinking about moving on.
crush: so I got up this morning and got your message......*ducking* cause I know I messed up!
jazzylady_98: oh yeah. okay.
crush: will you forgive me? please?
jazzylady_98: yeah.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: i'm not really mad no. a little disappointed though...
crush: i had folx in town...who unfortunately had major flight delays....
jazzylady_98: it's all good. ou don't have to explain to me. that's life right. :)
crush: no thats not life....you are sway and Im “crush”...two words that have mean...purpose...feelings behind them
jazzylady_98: true.
crush: but you just sound so dry about it, as if you are upset highly with me
jazzylady_98: i'm not upset with you...i dunno... i have a lot of different feelings right now...though anger...or being upset isn't one of them.
crush: what are they?
crush: I mean this is really the first time where I have "severly" forgotten something with you...honestly~
jazzylady_98: i guess i'm not really sure how i feel right now. i just know that what i do feel...doesn't really feel good. i dunno...i guess i feel confused. *shrug*
crush: about me?
jazzylady_98: and yes.. this is the first time you forgot something. but i guess that's what's so confusing. but honestly... i mean. i don't even mind that too much. i mean, it's a humbling experience to be forgotten about...lol. But i dunno... i guess it's just a few things that's happened already combined with that...that kinda made it seem worse than it probably was.
jazzylady_98: i'm not confused about you no.
crush: then what are you confused about...and it wasn't that I forgot about you, it was that I forgot about "us" getting together......
jazzylady_98: i'm confused moreso about your interactions with me. i cant figure you out. i don't know where i fit in... or if i fit in at all right now. i just have all these questions...but i seem to get mixed signals from you. i guess that's what i'm confused about.
jazzylady_98: you know what...let's not talk about this here. i'd rather talk face-to-face.
jazzylady_98: i think it would be better.
crush: thats fine with me
So that night we talk… and he tells me that he has a lot on his plate…which he does…and that he doesn’t want to bring me or anyone into his current situation…he needs to get himself together and yada yada yada. So I’m like…cool. That’s fine. I’m just trying to get to know you…be friends, spend time together. I’m not pushing relationship. And I made that clear. He was like…cool! I was like cool. So I thought everything was fine.
Yet… as more time went on, the less we went out, the less he called, the less he called BACK…the less he IM’d me…the less contact we had. Then I wrote THIS… about me and chocolate tease and how I’m just gonna forget about this crush cuz he’s not around. His actions say he doesn’t care. Well… the very next day this is what went down.
crush: figured I'd stop in and say good morning....
jazzylady_98: :) hi. didn't see you online.how are you today?
crush: well, and yourself
jazzylady_98: i'm good. glad i only have one more day left before my holiday officially begins.
jazzylady_98: you hiding today? lol
crush: nah, not hiding...been out of the office this morning
jazzylady_98: what u doin Thursday? I’m thinking we can hang.
crush: Oh, I got a chance to read your blog......
jazzylady_98: cool. :) i read yours too. i see you started a new one.
jazzylady_98: i'm excited to read that one. i think it will be REALLY interesting. i'll be a faithful reader to all three. lol.
crush: yeah, im trying to expand a little bit
crush: yeah we can hang out thursday.... maybe we can chat about this "crush" you have....I'd be interested in giving my .03 cents worth of advice... (insert: fyi: we never DID hang out that thursday)
jazzylady_98: yeah. i kinda want to start another blog.....
jazzylady_98: um...lol. yeah, i'd actually really like your advice.
crush: why my advice? do you think it would help?
jazzylady_98: well... DUH? lol. I mean, what better person to get advice about a crush from than the crush himself. lol
crush: I kinda figured that was your direction with this "crush"....but how can I compete with that (him)?
jazzylady_98: i don't want you to compete. it's not about competition at all. it doesn't matter WHAT he does..or gives to me...or says to me...I still have feelings for you. And i probably always will. But i kinda sensed that you aren't really feeling me that way. And i've never been one to chase after something that's not chasing me. So i figure that maybe it's time for me to at least acknowledge the fact that someone else actually is chasing me.
crush: Understandably, but my point of view is that we've beat around the bush so much concerning you and I, and have yet to confront the situation at hand....I mean, yeah there is an attraction...on both ends...but I'm not looking for a girlfriend...I wanna get to know someone in efforts for a "future"...
crush: I know I don't always show that, and that is largely attributed to me...getting me right, before me (I) bring anyone into my life in that fashion
jazzylady_98: I know all that. And i'll be honest. i'm not into him as much as i'm into you. and i told him that. i can't deny what i feel or how i feel. and i don't want to rush into anything with anyone. but i honestly just don't feel as if you really are into me. and i don't want to run into a situation where i'm chasing after you...and you're chasing after someone else. see it's not even about him. jazzylady_98: and i understand where you're coming from. But let me just show you this one thing you said that has made me feel the way i feel. When we discuss "US" and where we are. We always BOTH come to the conclusion that we should 1.) go slow and 2) be friends first and get to know each other. Yes, I want that. Yes that's cool with me. The problem is that when you speak of your future...or getting into a relationship...you always use the word "someone". Never, "you". After seeing that so many times...and being the "psychologist" that I am...i've realized that I am only a small possibility as your girl in the future. You're still looking for that somebody. Which tells me that i'm most likely not it. You've never expressed interest in me. I mean yes...there's an attraction there...
jazzylady_98: but i'm sure you're attracted to a lot of women. So, honestly...i guess that's not really all that much. I guess what i'm saying is...
crush: And I'm guessing youve gathered much of this info from my blog, cause you've never really considered asking me?
crush: Okay…Me expressing interest in Sway:
Crush: Movies (Ray)
crush: Movies(My place)
crush: Lunch (few occasions)
crush: Church (before I found somewhere that suited me more)
crush: Invites to my place
crush: Basketball game (you were the 1st person I thought to invite)
jazzylady_98: no, I got this from our conversations... I’m cool with being friends. as i said, i'm not looking to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I want to know the person first. Which is why I am still single to this day. I wanna know every aspect of you. But on that same note...i'm not gonna learn you and only you until you express to me that you're really feeling me...and there could be a possibility of us in the future. you understand where i'm coming from?
crush: yeah i understand where you are coming from, but its not an overnight event...thats where I've screwed up so many times in the past...trying to force a block into a circular hole!
jazzylady_98: “Crush”. i'm not perfect. lord knows i'm not. i'll readily admit my flaws..and one of them is that it's hard for me to pick um hints. All of those things you mentioned above are cool...but i never took them as you being interested in me when so many other things pointed toward you not. I do have a hard time understanding expressions of interest when they aren't verbal. I'm sorry.
jazzylady_98: but i can't read your mind...and i really don't take hints well...so honestly, i figured that you just hung out with me to hang. I mean...i base things off of what i hear alot...and what i heard was...that you enjoy my company and you enjoy talking to me....to me...that same group of things could be related to any other female.. so i figured that's where i fell...with every other female. I never knew that you thought of me first for the game. i thought that i kinda invited myself. lol. But now that you've put it that way...i can see it. and i'm sorry that i missed the signs. really sorry.
jazzylady_98: especially because i've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not you are feeling me. listen. like i said wednesday, i can go slow. i can be friends. i am TOTALLY fine with that. I guess what i didn't know...and what you've cleared up for me... is whether there's even the possibility. That's all i needed. I just wanted to know that if I waited for us...on us...or whatever... that there was a chance of us becoming more in the future.
crush: SWAY, IM INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jazzylady_98: Crush, I’ll just say this.. I care alot. I want our friendship to work. I'll go as slow as needed. And i'll try not to "jump to conclusions" about whether or not you’re interested anymore. Infact... until the day you tell me you're no longer interested...or until you say that you're interested in someone else... i'll just consider you interested in me....and i'll just let the friendship flow.
crush: but you know that im interested in you?
jazzylady_98: yeah now i do. But I need you to show it. and you know I’m interested in you too.
crush: yeah, and chocolate tease too!
jazzylady_98: hahaha. i'm interested in FRIENDSHIP with chocolate tease. Yes, he's interested in more with me. I won't lie to you and say that there isn't an attraction there...but as we've stated earlier. A real relationship requires more than physical attraction. He's a great guy. And he's a great friend. But the way i feel about you surpasses anything that could ever be between me and chocolate tease. My spirit doesn't connect with his like it does yours. He doesn't make me smile the way you do. I don't wonder what he's doing when we aren't together like i do you. I connect with you more than on the physical. And that's what i mean by interested. I'm interested in the WHOLE you. I want to know the WHOLE you. I want to be with the WHOLE you.
crush: But I don't want you to feel like you are wasting your time...and that is what I kinda got from your blog...
jazzylady_98: i don't wanna feel like i'm wasting time either. lol. i think that is my BIGGEST pet peeve. i hate for my time to be wasted...and i hate wasting others time..which is why if i know they are feeling me and i'm not feeling them ( ex. Chocolate tease) then i'll go ahead and tell them the deal. I told him about you. So if he chooses to still be my friend..then it's on him. But he knows that if you ever decided to take it to another level with me... i wouldn't turn you down.
crush: I feel you, but I don't want you to ever feel as though you're waiting....I want you to really "get to know me" and then decide if I'm what you want...cause you may get to know me and decide that I'm not...
jazzylady_98: yes. that's what I’ve been saying. That’s what I want!! That’s all I’m asking for. And likewise. you may get to know me and decide the same thing. so yes, you're right. i really DO want to get to know you. The good and bad. And i want you to know all about me. I know that it will be a process and we can't learn each other fully in a month..or two.. or even three. lol. I just want to feel like we're progressing in learning about each other.
jazzylady_98: which means that i want to spend time with you...i wanna talk to you...i wanna observe you... i wanna do nothing with you...i wanna do something with you... i want us to interact more. that's the only way we'll learn right?
crush: exactly! but we must establish friendship first, so that through hard times, it will remain!
jazzylady_98: i agree. a strong foundation makes a strong friendship/relationship
crush: we just have to do more of that...talking.
jazzylady_98: yeah. i agree.
jazzylady_98: we should definitely talk more.
crush: i agree
So…. After that LONG DRAWN OUT I.M. about us communicating and talking why is it that I’ve only heard from him TWICE since then? And let me tell you…it’s almost been a month. After him telling me that he’s interested…why is it that he’s nowhere to be found? Why is it? Why did he even waste my time? Or his? Especially after I TOLD him how i felt about it. If he wanted to be friends so bad, why have I been the only one trying? What was the purpose of this IM if he knew that he wasn’t gonna talk to me again? I don’t understand. I know this post was long…but if ANYONE can give me some kinda feed back… I would appreciate it.
I had a crush. He knows who he is…and there is MUCH reference to him in the title of this post. I wasn’t trying to rush into anything and I thought we had an understanding of where we were and what we were doing. We met in blog world, became instant friends and after a few dates it became VERY apparent that we were attracted to each other.
This is a clip of our IM convo a few weeks after the first time we got hot and heavy on a date.
Crush: Can I be real about something?
jazzylady_98: um...sure. please be real.
Crush: Sometimes, I want to ask you to come over to my place to hang out, but considering events of our last "encounter", I'm kinda hesitant....
jazzylady_98: :) hesitant huh? so you think that the same thing will happen if we hung out at your place again?
crush: Do I think it will.....no....but Im human, and so are you, and we are attracted to each other...or at least I think we are....lol:-/
jazzylady_98: lol. well...i'm attracted to you. i'm not sure if you're attracted to me....
crush: I've told you that I am already...remember..see you tryin to pick my brain early this morning
jazzylady_98: and yeah, i do understand what you are saying... i was just wondering what you thought. i sometimes want to hang out and have a movie night or something at your place.... but i do kinda wonder if we're strong enough right now for that...
crush: do you think we are?
jazzylady_98: but see...then again.. it's like... it's getting cold, and i like staying inside...and honestly, it would be much cheaper to do blockbuster nights or ya know...cook at the house or chill, talk etc... Those are the kind of things i enjoy doing in the cooler seasons.... so it's like.... on one hand, i would rather us hang at your place, but on the other hand, I don't want it to lead to things we're not ready for.
crush: Understandable...totally, but I would really miss out on hanging with you though ya know....jazzylady_98: i think that because we're attracted to each other, we're going to crave some kind of physical contact...even if it's just hugging or kissing or cuddling or whatever... i dunno. lol. Which is all fine with me, what I DON"T know is whether or not we will always be strong enough to JUST do those things....
crush: do you think you are strong enough?
crush: do you think its just me who isnt?
jazzylady_98: lol NO. not at all. i've mentioned b4 that i am very touchy feely. i crave closeness...and hugs and kisses....lol. So i think in that respect, I may be much weaker. But i do think that we could keep each other in check though. I honestly believe that when i get weak, you'd be strong and vice versa. It may not work out like that ALL the time, but i think for the most part it would.
crush: And for those "few" times when it doesn't work?? Hmmm....
jazzylady_98: i dunno “Crush”. i really don't. I don't want to NOT ever hang out with you though because of those possible few times where we both may really want more. i just think if we keep the lines of communication open and talk throgh it like last time, maybe we will get through it without doing something.
crush: your suggestions sounds do able....really it does!:D
Alright… that sounded simple enough. We were off to a good start. He’s interested…I’m interested. We’re communicating..trying not to get too hot and heavy too soon. We’re making plans to see each other. The rest of that IM is filled with us making plans to see each other the next day as well as saturday for bowling. Sounds good right. Well we did hang out the next day, things got steamy again...we talked and all was good. But um, that bowling thing… never happened. HE called to say we should take a raincheck on the bowling… I said cool and asked him if he still wanted to hang…he replies…”I’ll see what’s going on and hit you back.” He never did.
Anyways… here is what happened next… we went out after that and we realized that things were still going kinda fast between us and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that…or how he felt about that. So we talked about it at his house one night…and the next day…we have this convo.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: no. why would i be mad at you?
crush: cause of last night....you said that you'd have indifferent feelings in the morning
jazzylady_98: no, i was saying that i didn't know how i'd feel. meaning...how would things be between us now.... and how will i deal with what you do or don't feel.
crush: so how did you feel this morning?
jazzylady_98: i felt like seeing you again. lol
jazzylady_98: i wondered if you'd still act the same towards me...
crush: comon....are you serious?
jazzylady_98: yup. don't act like some people dont change once you let your guard down. lol
jazzylady_98: it DOES happen.
crush: yeah it does happen...but i'd hope that you and I are closer than that
jazzylady_98: i hope so too. so how'd you feel this morning?
crush: was kinda tired this morning, but now that Im up and going, im cool.......i thought about you as well
jazzylady_98: really? what u think?
crush: I thought about how you'd feel about me, or lack there of....thought about the possibilities of a future with lil old sway.......those types of things
jazzylady_98: you think we possibly have a future?
crush: I have in no way ruled that out, lol
jazzylady_98: :) good
crush: what about you?
jazzylady_98: if anything... it's become a stronger possibility. :)
crush: cool : )
jazzylady_98: u blog today?
crush: havent had a chance too....kinda bogged down, lol...but i can chat, just cant pull away to write
jazzylady_98: yeah. same here.
crush: lol...sway's slacking, lol
jazzylady_98: lol. I know, I know. I'll pick it back up. lol
crush: I hope so....that is what drew me to you, lolhahahahah
crush: but I like the "real" you better
jazzylady_98: lol. :)
crush: so I just read your tag....silver lining in my cloud huh?? ;)
jazzylady_98: haha. well...i'm trying to be. :)
jazzylady_98: lol
crush: ohhh...sway's opening up!!
jazzylady_98: shut up. lol
jazzylady_98: i've got a question, if you could only describe me with one word...what would it be?
crush: Glowing!
jazzylady_98: :) wow.
crush: that seemed to encompass everything, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally!
Aight…so we’re talking… he got me blushing… we’re progressing again. Everything seems cool. Even in this convo when I asked him what he thought of me…this is what he had to say…
crush: but back to the convo at hand
crush: I think that your presense is one of the most enjoyable I've ever come in contact with
jazzylady_98: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
crush: I think your smile is plesant to the soul....your companionship is above and beyond words
crush: you trully have an annointed spirit
jazzylady_98: :"> awwww. Crush, that's so sweet. I'm so glad you can't see me blushing right now. lol
crush: Im serious though
crush: I don't know if you and I are meant for each other forever or not...but I enjoy all the time we spend!
Aight. So he and I are still just kinda kicking it. I’m enjoying him…he’s enjoying me. We’re cool. Then it starts going down hill. He’s making dates with me then things “come up”. Telling me he’ll call back and doesn’t. He never struck me as someone who’d lie…especially when he didn’t have to. We weren’t together or anything. But at this point I began to wonder if he wanted to be with me…I had started thinking about moving on.
crush: so I got up this morning and got your message......*ducking* cause I know I messed up!
jazzylady_98: oh yeah. okay.
crush: will you forgive me? please?
jazzylady_98: yeah.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: i'm not really mad no. a little disappointed though...
crush: i had folx in town...who unfortunately had major flight delays....
jazzylady_98: it's all good. ou don't have to explain to me. that's life right. :)
crush: no thats not life....you are sway and Im “crush”...two words that have mean...purpose...feelings behind them
jazzylady_98: true.
crush: but you just sound so dry about it, as if you are upset highly with me
jazzylady_98: i'm not upset with you...i dunno... i have a lot of different feelings right now...though anger...or being upset isn't one of them.
crush: what are they?
crush: I mean this is really the first time where I have "severly" forgotten something with you...honestly~
jazzylady_98: i guess i'm not really sure how i feel right now. i just know that what i do feel...doesn't really feel good. i dunno...i guess i feel confused. *shrug*
crush: about me?
jazzylady_98: and yes.. this is the first time you forgot something. but i guess that's what's so confusing. but honestly... i mean. i don't even mind that too much. i mean, it's a humbling experience to be forgotten about...lol. But i dunno... i guess it's just a few things that's happened already combined with that...that kinda made it seem worse than it probably was.
jazzylady_98: i'm not confused about you no.
crush: then what are you confused about...and it wasn't that I forgot about you, it was that I forgot about "us" getting together......
jazzylady_98: i'm confused moreso about your interactions with me. i cant figure you out. i don't know where i fit in... or if i fit in at all right now. i just have all these questions...but i seem to get mixed signals from you. i guess that's what i'm confused about.
jazzylady_98: you know what...let's not talk about this here. i'd rather talk face-to-face.
jazzylady_98: i think it would be better.
crush: thats fine with me
So that night we talk… and he tells me that he has a lot on his plate…which he does…and that he doesn’t want to bring me or anyone into his current situation…he needs to get himself together and yada yada yada. So I’m like…cool. That’s fine. I’m just trying to get to know you…be friends, spend time together. I’m not pushing relationship. And I made that clear. He was like…cool! I was like cool. So I thought everything was fine.
Yet… as more time went on, the less we went out, the less he called, the less he called BACK…the less he IM’d me…the less contact we had. Then I wrote THIS… about me and chocolate tease and how I’m just gonna forget about this crush cuz he’s not around. His actions say he doesn’t care. Well… the very next day this is what went down.
crush: figured I'd stop in and say good morning....
jazzylady_98: :) hi. didn't see you online.how are you today?
crush: well, and yourself
jazzylady_98: i'm good. glad i only have one more day left before my holiday officially begins.
jazzylady_98: you hiding today? lol
crush: nah, not hiding...been out of the office this morning
jazzylady_98: what u doin Thursday? I’m thinking we can hang.
crush: Oh, I got a chance to read your blog......
jazzylady_98: cool. :) i read yours too. i see you started a new one.
jazzylady_98: i'm excited to read that one. i think it will be REALLY interesting. i'll be a faithful reader to all three. lol.
crush: yeah, im trying to expand a little bit
crush: yeah we can hang out thursday.... maybe we can chat about this "crush" you have....I'd be interested in giving my .03 cents worth of advice... (insert: fyi: we never DID hang out that thursday)
jazzylady_98: yeah. i kinda want to start another blog.....
jazzylady_98: um...lol. yeah, i'd actually really like your advice.
crush: why my advice? do you think it would help?
jazzylady_98: well... DUH? lol. I mean, what better person to get advice about a crush from than the crush himself. lol
crush: I kinda figured that was your direction with this "crush"....but how can I compete with that (him)?
jazzylady_98: i don't want you to compete. it's not about competition at all. it doesn't matter WHAT he does..or gives to me...or says to me...I still have feelings for you. And i probably always will. But i kinda sensed that you aren't really feeling me that way. And i've never been one to chase after something that's not chasing me. So i figure that maybe it's time for me to at least acknowledge the fact that someone else actually is chasing me.
crush: Understandably, but my point of view is that we've beat around the bush so much concerning you and I, and have yet to confront the situation at hand....I mean, yeah there is an attraction...on both ends...but I'm not looking for a girlfriend...I wanna get to know someone in efforts for a "future"...
crush: I know I don't always show that, and that is largely attributed to me...getting me right, before me (I) bring anyone into my life in that fashion
jazzylady_98: I know all that. And i'll be honest. i'm not into him as much as i'm into you. and i told him that. i can't deny what i feel or how i feel. and i don't want to rush into anything with anyone. but i honestly just don't feel as if you really are into me. and i don't want to run into a situation where i'm chasing after you...and you're chasing after someone else. see it's not even about him. jazzylady_98: and i understand where you're coming from. But let me just show you this one thing you said that has made me feel the way i feel. When we discuss "US" and where we are. We always BOTH come to the conclusion that we should 1.) go slow and 2) be friends first and get to know each other. Yes, I want that. Yes that's cool with me. The problem is that when you speak of your future...or getting into a relationship...you always use the word "someone". Never, "you". After seeing that so many times...and being the "psychologist" that I am...i've realized that I am only a small possibility as your girl in the future. You're still looking for that somebody. Which tells me that i'm most likely not it. You've never expressed interest in me. I mean yes...there's an attraction there...
jazzylady_98: but i'm sure you're attracted to a lot of women. So, honestly...i guess that's not really all that much. I guess what i'm saying is...
crush: And I'm guessing youve gathered much of this info from my blog, cause you've never really considered asking me?
crush: Okay…Me expressing interest in Sway:
Crush: Movies (Ray)
crush: Movies(My place)
crush: Lunch (few occasions)
crush: Church (before I found somewhere that suited me more)
crush: Invites to my place
crush: Basketball game (you were the 1st person I thought to invite)
jazzylady_98: no, I got this from our conversations... I’m cool with being friends. as i said, i'm not looking to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I want to know the person first. Which is why I am still single to this day. I wanna know every aspect of you. But on that same note...i'm not gonna learn you and only you until you express to me that you're really feeling me...and there could be a possibility of us in the future. you understand where i'm coming from?
crush: yeah i understand where you are coming from, but its not an overnight event...thats where I've screwed up so many times in the past...trying to force a block into a circular hole!
jazzylady_98: “Crush”. i'm not perfect. lord knows i'm not. i'll readily admit my flaws..and one of them is that it's hard for me to pick um hints. All of those things you mentioned above are cool...but i never took them as you being interested in me when so many other things pointed toward you not. I do have a hard time understanding expressions of interest when they aren't verbal. I'm sorry.
jazzylady_98: but i can't read your mind...and i really don't take hints well...so honestly, i figured that you just hung out with me to hang. I mean...i base things off of what i hear alot...and what i heard was...that you enjoy my company and you enjoy talking to me....to me...that same group of things could be related to any other female.. so i figured that's where i fell...with every other female. I never knew that you thought of me first for the game. i thought that i kinda invited myself. lol. But now that you've put it that way...i can see it. and i'm sorry that i missed the signs. really sorry.
jazzylady_98: especially because i've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not you are feeling me. listen. like i said wednesday, i can go slow. i can be friends. i am TOTALLY fine with that. I guess what i didn't know...and what you've cleared up for me... is whether there's even the possibility. That's all i needed. I just wanted to know that if I waited for us...on us...or whatever... that there was a chance of us becoming more in the future.
crush: SWAY, IM INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jazzylady_98: Crush, I’ll just say this.. I care alot. I want our friendship to work. I'll go as slow as needed. And i'll try not to "jump to conclusions" about whether or not you’re interested anymore. Infact... until the day you tell me you're no longer interested...or until you say that you're interested in someone else... i'll just consider you interested in me....and i'll just let the friendship flow.
crush: but you know that im interested in you?
jazzylady_98: yeah now i do. But I need you to show it. and you know I’m interested in you too.
crush: yeah, and chocolate tease too!
jazzylady_98: hahaha. i'm interested in FRIENDSHIP with chocolate tease. Yes, he's interested in more with me. I won't lie to you and say that there isn't an attraction there...but as we've stated earlier. A real relationship requires more than physical attraction. He's a great guy. And he's a great friend. But the way i feel about you surpasses anything that could ever be between me and chocolate tease. My spirit doesn't connect with his like it does yours. He doesn't make me smile the way you do. I don't wonder what he's doing when we aren't together like i do you. I connect with you more than on the physical. And that's what i mean by interested. I'm interested in the WHOLE you. I want to know the WHOLE you. I want to be with the WHOLE you.
crush: But I don't want you to feel like you are wasting your time...and that is what I kinda got from your blog...
jazzylady_98: i don't wanna feel like i'm wasting time either. lol. i think that is my BIGGEST pet peeve. i hate for my time to be wasted...and i hate wasting others time..which is why if i know they are feeling me and i'm not feeling them ( ex. Chocolate tease) then i'll go ahead and tell them the deal. I told him about you. So if he chooses to still be my friend..then it's on him. But he knows that if you ever decided to take it to another level with me... i wouldn't turn you down.
crush: I feel you, but I don't want you to ever feel as though you're waiting....I want you to really "get to know me" and then decide if I'm what you want...cause you may get to know me and decide that I'm not...
jazzylady_98: yes. that's what I’ve been saying. That’s what I want!! That’s all I’m asking for. And likewise. you may get to know me and decide the same thing. so yes, you're right. i really DO want to get to know you. The good and bad. And i want you to know all about me. I know that it will be a process and we can't learn each other fully in a month..or two.. or even three. lol. I just want to feel like we're progressing in learning about each other.
jazzylady_98: which means that i want to spend time with you...i wanna talk to you...i wanna observe you... i wanna do nothing with you...i wanna do something with you... i want us to interact more. that's the only way we'll learn right?
crush: exactly! but we must establish friendship first, so that through hard times, it will remain!
jazzylady_98: i agree. a strong foundation makes a strong friendship/relationship
crush: we just have to do more of that...talking.
jazzylady_98: yeah. i agree.
jazzylady_98: we should definitely talk more.
crush: i agree
So…. After that LONG DRAWN OUT I.M. about us communicating and talking why is it that I’ve only heard from him TWICE since then? And let me tell you…it’s almost been a month. After him telling me that he’s interested…why is it that he’s nowhere to be found? Why is it? Why did he even waste my time? Or his? Especially after I TOLD him how i felt about it. If he wanted to be friends so bad, why have I been the only one trying? What was the purpose of this IM if he knew that he wasn’t gonna talk to me again? I don’t understand. I know this post was long…but if ANYONE can give me some kinda feed back… I would appreciate it.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
I just wanna get some things off my chest. I have always been a sporatic thinker...jumping from one subject to the next....but since new years day i've had so much on my mind and i just need to say some of it. each really deserves it's own post...since i honestly have though about all of these things at least once a day since then...but knowing myself...i'd never get enough time to write an individual post for each... it's just not happening...so i figured i'll just say a few words about each...and write it off.
~ Homeless does NOT mean non-fashionable, carless, jobless, or alcoholic.
It's amazing how insensitive we can become to those less fortunate. I hear people all the time talking about they don't want to give to the poor because they got on a designer watch or their have on some jordans... dude WTF? What's to say that they didn't just become homeless and had fine things before. Do you think that they were homeless all their life? Could there be ANY way that they just may have had some pitfalls and didn't have any family to turn to? Do you know that many of YOU are actually about 2 paychecks and 2 relatives away from being homeless yourself? Does that mean that all your good clothes and watches and etc are somehow supposed to dissapear?? A decent house goes for anywhere from $90,000 to half a million around here. How is that comparable to a few hundred for some shoes or a watch???
YES...there are a lot of scheming, gaming, decietful people out there on the street. I know that for a fact cuz my uncle is one. You've prolly seen his crazy behind downtown pretending to be blind. But the fact of the matter is... don't let the bad deter you from helping out the poor. How many of you had a nasty/bad/gross sammich from somewhere like McDonalds...or Wendy's? *raise yo hand... you know you have* Aight...so how many of you completely stop going to McDonalds or Wendy's because of that bad burger experience? Not many...if any. You just figured that it was a bad day..or a bad branch...but you didn't completely stop going. You gotta be the same way with everything...religion... helping the poor... etc . Just because you see some foul stuff a few times or whatnot...don't stop doing what you know you should do know. Give. Be a blessing.
Leveticus 25:35 " 'If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
Deuteronomy 15:7If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.
Deuteronomy 15:11There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
Proverbs 19:17He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD , and he will reward him for what he has done.
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If you tell someone you're interested in them... actually BE interested. The worst feeling I've had is the realization that I have been decieived. I hate deception. I'd rather you tell me I'm the ugliest, fattest, stankest female you've ever met than to tell me that you care about me/like me/are interested in me...and you aren't. I honestly believe that people like that should be flogged. Like...erryday. It's a major letdown to think so highly of someone...and then find out that it was all pretty much an act. You can only hide your true colors for so long.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them....the first time." -Maya Angelou
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If i see ONE MORE GIRL/LADY/WOMAN WEARING A PONCHO...i'm gonna scream!!!
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Men haven't changed, women have. I don't know if i was reading or watching tv...but someone was talking about how mixed up this dating/sex/marriage thing is these days. And while we all have our opinions about it...he had a VERY good thery concerning why these days, it's so hard to know whether or not your dating/in a relationship with someone. I honestly believe this is why people all of a sudden want to become EXTRA SPECIAL and be the first to announce that they HATE titles and they'd rather just not ever use "labels".... (which is a whole nother rant in itself...and i'll prolly write about that thursday...lol) But anyways... i used to think it was just me that felt that way. I always had a hard time figuring out what the heck was going on between me and a guy. We'd be doing all these "couple" things...yet he never would come out and be like...we're together. Anyways...that got me to thinking about relationships and what not...
he also talked about how back in the day, you had two types of females... the wives (or potential wives) and the harlots/prostitutes. You would get you a nice PYT to marry and then you all would have a "respectable" relationship and when you wanted to do some kinky, wild stuff...you'd go down to the Saloon...and tussle with some harlot. Then he said that nowadays, men are confused because women have changed so much. They play with the ones their supposed to marry....and marry the ones they are supposed to play with. lol. I find this to be kinda true. But why? Why are guys so confused now? I figured cuz now...we (women) have become so available...and so "unrestrained/uncensored"...that we all seem the same. There is no line. There is no this side vs. that. We're all good and bad. So the men just pick and choose over us all. It's weird. I'm not saying we should go back to being blind and having this boring relationship with our husbands while he goes and screws around with the local girl...but we should look at maybe finding a way to change their mentality too about having more than one girl...
*********************************************************************************
The end of time is so near that it's scary. Actually let me take that back. I don't mean that the world is coming to an end. That's not true. I mean, theRapture could be any day now...and the Tribulation Years I kinda believe we're already starting to have them...that it's not even funny anymore. If you just sit back and watch some of the things that has been happening in the world today, there's no way that a true believer in the Word of God could take these occurences lightly. You know what.... i was gonna go into detail... but i think i'll save this for a post of it's own. It deserves a post of it's own.
Actually...all the rest of my thoughts do to. Maybe i'll just stop here...and continue later. Until then.....peace and abundant blessings.
~ Homeless does NOT mean non-fashionable, carless, jobless, or alcoholic.
It's amazing how insensitive we can become to those less fortunate. I hear people all the time talking about they don't want to give to the poor because they got on a designer watch or their have on some jordans... dude WTF? What's to say that they didn't just become homeless and had fine things before. Do you think that they were homeless all their life? Could there be ANY way that they just may have had some pitfalls and didn't have any family to turn to? Do you know that many of YOU are actually about 2 paychecks and 2 relatives away from being homeless yourself? Does that mean that all your good clothes and watches and etc are somehow supposed to dissapear?? A decent house goes for anywhere from $90,000 to half a million around here. How is that comparable to a few hundred for some shoes or a watch???
YES...there are a lot of scheming, gaming, decietful people out there on the street. I know that for a fact cuz my uncle is one. You've prolly seen his crazy behind downtown pretending to be blind. But the fact of the matter is... don't let the bad deter you from helping out the poor. How many of you had a nasty/bad/gross sammich from somewhere like McDonalds...or Wendy's? *raise yo hand... you know you have* Aight...so how many of you completely stop going to McDonalds or Wendy's because of that bad burger experience? Not many...if any. You just figured that it was a bad day..or a bad branch...but you didn't completely stop going. You gotta be the same way with everything...religion... helping the poor... etc . Just because you see some foul stuff a few times or whatnot...don't stop doing what you know you should do know. Give. Be a blessing.
Leveticus 25:35 " 'If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
Deuteronomy 15:7If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.
Deuteronomy 15:11There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
Proverbs 19:17He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD , and he will reward him for what he has done.
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If you tell someone you're interested in them... actually BE interested. The worst feeling I've had is the realization that I have been decieived. I hate deception. I'd rather you tell me I'm the ugliest, fattest, stankest female you've ever met than to tell me that you care about me/like me/are interested in me...and you aren't. I honestly believe that people like that should be flogged. Like...erryday. It's a major letdown to think so highly of someone...and then find out that it was all pretty much an act. You can only hide your true colors for so long.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them....the first time." -Maya Angelou
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If i see ONE MORE GIRL/LADY/WOMAN WEARING A PONCHO...i'm gonna scream!!!
******************************************************************************
Men haven't changed, women have. I don't know if i was reading or watching tv...but someone was talking about how mixed up this dating/sex/marriage thing is these days. And while we all have our opinions about it...he had a VERY good thery concerning why these days, it's so hard to know whether or not your dating/in a relationship with someone. I honestly believe this is why people all of a sudden want to become EXTRA SPECIAL and be the first to announce that they HATE titles and they'd rather just not ever use "labels".... (which is a whole nother rant in itself...and i'll prolly write about that thursday...lol) But anyways... i used to think it was just me that felt that way. I always had a hard time figuring out what the heck was going on between me and a guy. We'd be doing all these "couple" things...yet he never would come out and be like...we're together. Anyways...that got me to thinking about relationships and what not...
he also talked about how back in the day, you had two types of females... the wives (or potential wives) and the harlots/prostitutes. You would get you a nice PYT to marry and then you all would have a "respectable" relationship and when you wanted to do some kinky, wild stuff...you'd go down to the Saloon...and tussle with some harlot. Then he said that nowadays, men are confused because women have changed so much. They play with the ones their supposed to marry....and marry the ones they are supposed to play with. lol. I find this to be kinda true. But why? Why are guys so confused now? I figured cuz now...we (women) have become so available...and so "unrestrained/uncensored"...that we all seem the same. There is no line. There is no this side vs. that. We're all good and bad. So the men just pick and choose over us all. It's weird. I'm not saying we should go back to being blind and having this boring relationship with our husbands while he goes and screws around with the local girl...but we should look at maybe finding a way to change their mentality too about having more than one girl...
*********************************************************************************
The end of time is so near that it's scary. Actually let me take that back. I don't mean that the world is coming to an end. That's not true. I mean, theRapture could be any day now...and the Tribulation Years I kinda believe we're already starting to have them...that it's not even funny anymore. If you just sit back and watch some of the things that has been happening in the world today, there's no way that a true believer in the Word of God could take these occurences lightly. You know what.... i was gonna go into detail... but i think i'll save this for a post of it's own. It deserves a post of it's own.
Actually...all the rest of my thoughts do to. Maybe i'll just stop here...and continue later. Until then.....peace and abundant blessings.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Tryin to be like Mary J...
Last Wednesday 5:40pm
*celly rings again*
I knew it had to be either 'Tika or RP because all of the people close to me know not to call me on wednesdays because after work it's the gym and after the gym it's bible study. I look at the phone as i slide on my sports bra. Sure enough...RP's number is lighting up my screen. Taking a deep breath I say "hello?"
"Um...hey Sway. I know you're tired of me bothering you but I have one more question." 'Tika says in a shaky voice.
I could tell that whatever question she asks next was something she wasn't really prepared to hear the answer to. I felt kinda sorry for her even though she put me through MUCH hell back in the day. I know what it feels like to love someone you think is committed to you and all of a sudden feel like he's cheating. The sad part about this whole scenario is that RP HAS CHEATED...just not with me.
"Yeah... go 'head" I say as I anticipate her question. I sat down in the LA fitness locker room and looked at my watch. I had 5 minutes to get to my step aerobic class...but i had a feeling that depending on how i answered this question, I may have missed it.
"Is this the first time RP has contacted you?" She blurted out. Her voice cracked with pained memories that i know stays there constantly in the back of her mind...of a time when it was I asking her these same questions.
I wasn't quite sure what i should say. I knew if i told her no, she'd want to know how much we talked...and honestly, if she found that out...she would definitely think we were having an affair. 'Tika could never grasp the truth about RP and I...which is that no matter what happens...he and I will be friends for life. To her, I will always be someone that he will cheat with. But lying to her and telling her that this WAS the first time RP and I had spoke was not the answer either. I hate lying....especially when i'm innocent.
"Tika, i think that this is a matter that should be taken up with you and RP. I'm sorry. " I heard myself saying after a few quiet and uncomfortable seconds. This feels like Deja vu. I never thought I'd hear myself say the SAME thing that she told me 4 years ago. I was very upset at her for not telling me what was going on with them back then and I couldn't understand why she couldn't just talk to me woman to woman about it....but now it all makes sense.
It's not about me... or her for that matter. This is about him...and what he's doing. She needs to check HIM. It's THEIR relationship...so THEY should be the ones talking.
I heard her give me one of those "i know you didn't" sighs... and before she could snap on me... i hit the end button and locked my phone in the locker with the rest of my belongings. I'm not sure how many times she called back...but by the time I got out of Bible Study that night...my phone was not ringing. I hate drama...and Lord knows that I have had more than enough of my share. So I refuse to be in someone elses drama when I can just remove myself from it. I don't know what happened after that. She didn't call after that day...and neither has he. I give him till next week before he sneaks and calls. I'm just glad that nothing escalated out of that. If I can manuever myself outta all of the future situations i may encounter this year as i did that one... then 2005 will be a really good year. lol
*celly rings again*
I knew it had to be either 'Tika or RP because all of the people close to me know not to call me on wednesdays because after work it's the gym and after the gym it's bible study. I look at the phone as i slide on my sports bra. Sure enough...RP's number is lighting up my screen. Taking a deep breath I say "hello?"
"Um...hey Sway. I know you're tired of me bothering you but I have one more question." 'Tika says in a shaky voice.
I could tell that whatever question she asks next was something she wasn't really prepared to hear the answer to. I felt kinda sorry for her even though she put me through MUCH hell back in the day. I know what it feels like to love someone you think is committed to you and all of a sudden feel like he's cheating. The sad part about this whole scenario is that RP HAS CHEATED...just not with me.
"Yeah... go 'head" I say as I anticipate her question. I sat down in the LA fitness locker room and looked at my watch. I had 5 minutes to get to my step aerobic class...but i had a feeling that depending on how i answered this question, I may have missed it.
"Is this the first time RP has contacted you?" She blurted out. Her voice cracked with pained memories that i know stays there constantly in the back of her mind...of a time when it was I asking her these same questions.
I wasn't quite sure what i should say. I knew if i told her no, she'd want to know how much we talked...and honestly, if she found that out...she would definitely think we were having an affair. 'Tika could never grasp the truth about RP and I...which is that no matter what happens...he and I will be friends for life. To her, I will always be someone that he will cheat with. But lying to her and telling her that this WAS the first time RP and I had spoke was not the answer either. I hate lying....especially when i'm innocent.
"Tika, i think that this is a matter that should be taken up with you and RP. I'm sorry. " I heard myself saying after a few quiet and uncomfortable seconds. This feels like Deja vu. I never thought I'd hear myself say the SAME thing that she told me 4 years ago. I was very upset at her for not telling me what was going on with them back then and I couldn't understand why she couldn't just talk to me woman to woman about it....but now it all makes sense.
It's not about me... or her for that matter. This is about him...and what he's doing. She needs to check HIM. It's THEIR relationship...so THEY should be the ones talking.
I heard her give me one of those "i know you didn't" sighs... and before she could snap on me... i hit the end button and locked my phone in the locker with the rest of my belongings. I'm not sure how many times she called back...but by the time I got out of Bible Study that night...my phone was not ringing. I hate drama...and Lord knows that I have had more than enough of my share. So I refuse to be in someone elses drama when I can just remove myself from it. I don't know what happened after that. She didn't call after that day...and neither has he. I give him till next week before he sneaks and calls. I'm just glad that nothing escalated out of that. If I can manuever myself outta all of the future situations i may encounter this year as i did that one... then 2005 will be a really good year. lol
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Surprise Surprise...
I had high hopes of starting the new year off right. I made sure I got back on track spiritually. Somewhere in these last few months I had veered off the path slightly. It’s scary how you can do that and not realize it until you look around and find that you have wondered off from God. I feel like I’m 3 or 4 years old again in the mall with my mom and just excited to be walking around and my mom warns me not to get lost and to stay by her side…but like a curious little kid I go wandering under clothes racks or over to the Barbie doll section and before I know it, I look up and can’t find her. That’s how I felt towards the end of December. I knew that God was still here beside me, guiding me…but somehow… I started doing my own thang and when I looked up, I didn’t see him right away and realized that I had ventured off. So I’m thankful for Him getting me back on track. I also made sure that I was physically well. I’ve gotten all my “womanly” tests done with clear results and I’ve been hitting the gym and eating better so that I can become healthier. My finances are going pretty well. Got a nice little merit increase and I paid off 3 of my largest bills last year. I really thought I was starting it off right…
Yesterday 5:05pm
*celly rings*
I look down and see RP’s number on my phone. I know I’ve never discussed my college years or my ex-fiance with you all…so I guess I’ll have to give you some background on RP later.
“Hello.” I scratchily answer between sniffles. Unfortunately all the vitamin C I’ve been taking didn’t defend me from this cold I’m developing.
This is the second time he’s called today. He’s been calling a lot lately since his wife has been out of the house. Unfortunately because of our tumultuous past, He’s not allowed to call me anymore. It’s pretty safe to say that his wife hates me. He as well as our mutual friends have told me on numerous occasions that she doesn’t even allow the mention of my name in her presence. There was one time where he slipped and called her by my name and received from her what friends have described to me as the fastest, hardest “B*tch slap” they’ve ever seen. So imagine my surprise when I heard her curious, but slightly annoyed voice on the other end.
“Uh… Hi. This is ‘Tika. Who…uh.. who is this?”
I was just getting off the elevator at work and heading to my car. The day had been wonderful. I was feeling great, looking great. Life was...great. Then SHE called. I didn’t realize that I stopped dead in my tracks upon hearing her voice until the people behind me kinda mumbled and gave me the eye as they walked around me and on to their cars. My world slightly shook. The history and overlap of me and Tika could take a week to explain in itself. We’ve had sort of a triangle thing going on since 2001 with RP and it never seems to end. ‘Tika and I haven’t spoken since 2002 when I found out that my then fiancé RP, was also sleeping with her. That day in May when she and I spoke, I told her that I was through with him. She vowed the same, yet a year later they were married and I am somehow became her arch nemesis. Everytime I hear her voice…floods of memories come back from the 4 years he and I were together…and all the drama that went on between Him, Me…and She.
“This is Sway, ‘Tika. How are you?” I say kinda dryly as I began walking to my car and wondering why after 2 almost 3 years she is calling me. WHAT NOW??
“I’m okay, considering.” She retorted back. “I see that RP called you earlier today huh?”
Thinking to myself…honey, RP calls me twice a week minimum since 2002. Though he’s a lying, cheating, deceitful boyfriend and husband, he’s a very good friend.
As weird as it may sound, he and I remained good friends even after all the drama that unfolded between us in our relationship. Our friendship is one that can’t really be explained. Weird in nature…but it works for us.
“Uh…I guess he did. Not sure. I’m just leaving work”. I said non-chalantly as I opened my car door and threw my laptop bag in the backseat.
“Oh. Well…thanks.” She said…as I sensed her anger building up.
I said uh-huh…and clicked the end button on my cell. As I sat in the car I realized that my hands were shaking. I hate drama. I knew she’d call back for more info. I knew she was gonna fly off the handle at him for contacting me. She and I both knew that I was his kryptonite…his weakness. Though he cheated on me with her… we all know that if I wanted him back, I could have had him. He can’t seem to let me go even though he knows that it’s jeopardizing his marriage. And honestly, I don’t want him to jeopardize it because I know that I won’t be there like he thinks. I know they think that if they don’t work out… he’ll come crawling to me… (which he would)…and I’ll take him in (which I wouldn’t). So I’ve always been a sticky subject in their household. Nevertheless…I don’t wanna see him hurt like that. I don’t want him…so his best bet is to stick it out with her.
Feeling kinda bad… I began driving to the gym. When I got to the light, I figured that I should call him and warn him. I hate for him to be “set up” when there was honestly NOTHING going on between us.
“Hey puntin” he happily says as he answers his cell.
“Hey, can you talk?” I ask with concern in my voice. I should have known that he could talk since he used his favorite nickname for me. When he said that he had a minute…I began to tell him the encounter I had with his wife.
“oh… dang…well thanks for letting me know. *sigh* She’s gonna be pissed.” He said calmly.
I knew he was stressing though. I know almost everything there is to know about him. I could feel him working up some kind of lie to reassure her that he only called me today for a specific reason. He couldn’t have her knowing that he’s never stopped calling me…despite that being one of her requirements for their getting married. He had too much at stake.
“Whatcha got RP? What’s your story” I sarcastically say. I wanted to know in case she calls and asks me. She was just like that. She’ll blow small things out of proportion because she's very insecure when it comes to me. And i don't blame her. Not to sound concieted or anything, but if i were her, I'd be scared of me too. Why? Because in a sense, I have the power. I hold the key to thier future...and though I'm not evil and vindictive like that...I could very easily meddle in their marriage and cause some stuff to go down. But I wouldn't do that. I'm so over and above that. Yet, I understand her logic...which is why i don't stress to much about her ridiculous rules when it comes to me.
“Well…I’ll tell her that you called me a few days ago to see if I wanted my stuff out of your garage since you were doing some cleaning and had planned to throw it all away.”
He effortlessly lied.
“Hmm…think she’ll buy it?” I say. Thinking that it sounded like crap.
“yeah…I’ll doctor it up. I’m a good 5 minutes from home. I got time to think.”
RP really IS a very good lier. He could make up something in the blink of an eye. It’s just kinda crazy to me that he HAS to lie…since there’s nothing going on.
We hung up and I walked into the gym to get my step aerobics on…all the while thinking about which one of them was gonna call me back later on…and what’s gonna become of it.
More details later…
Yesterday 5:05pm
*celly rings*
I look down and see RP’s number on my phone. I know I’ve never discussed my college years or my ex-fiance with you all…so I guess I’ll have to give you some background on RP later.
“Hello.” I scratchily answer between sniffles. Unfortunately all the vitamin C I’ve been taking didn’t defend me from this cold I’m developing.
This is the second time he’s called today. He’s been calling a lot lately since his wife has been out of the house. Unfortunately because of our tumultuous past, He’s not allowed to call me anymore. It’s pretty safe to say that his wife hates me. He as well as our mutual friends have told me on numerous occasions that she doesn’t even allow the mention of my name in her presence. There was one time where he slipped and called her by my name and received from her what friends have described to me as the fastest, hardest “B*tch slap” they’ve ever seen. So imagine my surprise when I heard her curious, but slightly annoyed voice on the other end.
“Uh… Hi. This is ‘Tika. Who…uh.. who is this?”
I was just getting off the elevator at work and heading to my car. The day had been wonderful. I was feeling great, looking great. Life was...great. Then SHE called. I didn’t realize that I stopped dead in my tracks upon hearing her voice until the people behind me kinda mumbled and gave me the eye as they walked around me and on to their cars. My world slightly shook. The history and overlap of me and Tika could take a week to explain in itself. We’ve had sort of a triangle thing going on since 2001 with RP and it never seems to end. ‘Tika and I haven’t spoken since 2002 when I found out that my then fiancé RP, was also sleeping with her. That day in May when she and I spoke, I told her that I was through with him. She vowed the same, yet a year later they were married and I am somehow became her arch nemesis. Everytime I hear her voice…floods of memories come back from the 4 years he and I were together…and all the drama that went on between Him, Me…and She.
“This is Sway, ‘Tika. How are you?” I say kinda dryly as I began walking to my car and wondering why after 2 almost 3 years she is calling me. WHAT NOW??
“I’m okay, considering.” She retorted back. “I see that RP called you earlier today huh?”
Thinking to myself…honey, RP calls me twice a week minimum since 2002. Though he’s a lying, cheating, deceitful boyfriend and husband, he’s a very good friend.
As weird as it may sound, he and I remained good friends even after all the drama that unfolded between us in our relationship. Our friendship is one that can’t really be explained. Weird in nature…but it works for us.
“Uh…I guess he did. Not sure. I’m just leaving work”. I said non-chalantly as I opened my car door and threw my laptop bag in the backseat.
“Oh. Well…thanks.” She said…as I sensed her anger building up.
I said uh-huh…and clicked the end button on my cell. As I sat in the car I realized that my hands were shaking. I hate drama. I knew she’d call back for more info. I knew she was gonna fly off the handle at him for contacting me. She and I both knew that I was his kryptonite…his weakness. Though he cheated on me with her… we all know that if I wanted him back, I could have had him. He can’t seem to let me go even though he knows that it’s jeopardizing his marriage. And honestly, I don’t want him to jeopardize it because I know that I won’t be there like he thinks. I know they think that if they don’t work out… he’ll come crawling to me… (which he would)…and I’ll take him in (which I wouldn’t). So I’ve always been a sticky subject in their household. Nevertheless…I don’t wanna see him hurt like that. I don’t want him…so his best bet is to stick it out with her.
Feeling kinda bad… I began driving to the gym. When I got to the light, I figured that I should call him and warn him. I hate for him to be “set up” when there was honestly NOTHING going on between us.
“Hey puntin” he happily says as he answers his cell.
“Hey, can you talk?” I ask with concern in my voice. I should have known that he could talk since he used his favorite nickname for me. When he said that he had a minute…I began to tell him the encounter I had with his wife.
“oh… dang…well thanks for letting me know. *sigh* She’s gonna be pissed.” He said calmly.
I knew he was stressing though. I know almost everything there is to know about him. I could feel him working up some kind of lie to reassure her that he only called me today for a specific reason. He couldn’t have her knowing that he’s never stopped calling me…despite that being one of her requirements for their getting married. He had too much at stake.
“Whatcha got RP? What’s your story” I sarcastically say. I wanted to know in case she calls and asks me. She was just like that. She’ll blow small things out of proportion because she's very insecure when it comes to me. And i don't blame her. Not to sound concieted or anything, but if i were her, I'd be scared of me too. Why? Because in a sense, I have the power. I hold the key to thier future...and though I'm not evil and vindictive like that...I could very easily meddle in their marriage and cause some stuff to go down. But I wouldn't do that. I'm so over and above that. Yet, I understand her logic...which is why i don't stress to much about her ridiculous rules when it comes to me.
“Well…I’ll tell her that you called me a few days ago to see if I wanted my stuff out of your garage since you were doing some cleaning and had planned to throw it all away.”
He effortlessly lied.
“Hmm…think she’ll buy it?” I say. Thinking that it sounded like crap.
“yeah…I’ll doctor it up. I’m a good 5 minutes from home. I got time to think.”
RP really IS a very good lier. He could make up something in the blink of an eye. It’s just kinda crazy to me that he HAS to lie…since there’s nothing going on.
We hung up and I walked into the gym to get my step aerobics on…all the while thinking about which one of them was gonna call me back later on…and what’s gonna become of it.
More details later…
Friday, December 31, 2004
It's that time...
Well, in a couple of hours... it goes down!! i just finished my hair, which i must say looks AMAZINGLY wonderful lol...and i'm parading around in a black lacy tank and my black slip so that i won't get too hot or wrinkle my clothes before i have to go to church. Yes...tonight I'll be at church.
There was only one time in my entire life that I decided to celebrate the New Year without going to Church and call me superstitious or whatever...but that was one of the WORST years for me. lol. I decided right then and there that each New Year that God allows me to see will be ushered in by me being down on my knees and thanking Him for is grace and mercy. Now after service... well...ya girl is gonna be out and about.
I have three functions to attend after church and I have the slightest idea how they are all gonna get done. My church friends are having a breakfast downtown at one of my homeboys house immediately after church. I gotta swing by there because I am responsible for cooking some of the breakfast... lol. So i figure i'll go there first...then head to my best friend Biah's house. I've written about some of her parties. Though I've never went into detail about just how much fun they are... trust me... I.MUST.GO!! They are gonna do it real big and though I prolly won't get there until 2am.... I still gotta make an appearance. lol. I'm sure everyone will be "oh so gone" by then so it should make for an interesting party. After that, I gotta head on over to my cousin's party. He's throwing some big shabang all night long...so if i get there at about 4 in tha mo'nin... i doubt if anyone will look at me odd. *tired already from what's to come* Soooo i figure i'd just take it easy for these next two hours and get ready for a night/morning of fun.
As I was resting... i began thinking about this year and all it has entailed. The people I've met as well as the people I've had to say goodbye to. My job, my family...my own self and how i've changed. Let me just take a moment to reflect....
What I'm leaving behind in 2004....
AM Ironically, he was the first person I saw, hugged, kissed, touched, etc. in the year 2004...he's no longer apart of my life in anyway in 2005. In a way, I'm sad to leave him back in '04...but I must press towards greater things.
Self-doubt I've realized that I don't give myself enough credit for things. I've noticed that I don't try things that I think are extremely hard for fear of failing. But I've also noticed that the things that I do try my hardest in, I succeed. Therefore I plan to leave those negative thoughts about what I can and cant do in 2004 and develop more confidence in my abilities and the abilities of the Greater One within me.
A broken heart Though I never discussed it much here... I've had my heart broken a few times this year. Thankfully it wasn't shattered into a million pieces and thankfully God mended it with the Super Glue we call Love and Compassion. So many questions I had about my life and relationships were answered this year. Unfortunately it left me very broken. But believe me when I say that God will fill in every void in your life...He will mend ever broken part of your soul and He will make you whole if you let Him.
People who have entered my life in 2004...
Barry- thanks for always having an encouraging word for me. I pray that next year you'll find all that you were looking for in this year. I love you.
Dia- Guuuuuuuuuurl. You are a TRIP! I'm so glad I met you. I only have a few really close girlfriends and I am so glad to consider you one. I love you.
Bunns- you're one of the best people i know. you came to me at a time when i needed someone to "get me". i needed someone to be silly with and just let down my hair with. thank you for making me feel so good everytime we're together or when we talk or when we write to each other. I pray that you're in my life forever, but if not... I will always be grateful for what we have at this moment in my life. I love you.
"Crush" (KD) - i'm not sure what God's purpose was for our meeting, but I'm glad we met. I'm not sure where we're going, but i'm glad we're here. I don't know if you'll be here next year, but i'm glad you were here this year. I hope that we become better friends and this thing that seems to hold us back from going further...well i pray that God helps us to over come that. I love your life energy and your smile just does it for me. I love you.
And to all of my blog friends whom i've either met in person or just chatted with online... I love you all too and may you have a BLESSED New Year!!!!
There was only one time in my entire life that I decided to celebrate the New Year without going to Church and call me superstitious or whatever...but that was one of the WORST years for me. lol. I decided right then and there that each New Year that God allows me to see will be ushered in by me being down on my knees and thanking Him for is grace and mercy. Now after service... well...ya girl is gonna be out and about.
I have three functions to attend after church and I have the slightest idea how they are all gonna get done. My church friends are having a breakfast downtown at one of my homeboys house immediately after church. I gotta swing by there because I am responsible for cooking some of the breakfast... lol. So i figure i'll go there first...then head to my best friend Biah's house. I've written about some of her parties. Though I've never went into detail about just how much fun they are... trust me... I.MUST.GO!! They are gonna do it real big and though I prolly won't get there until 2am.... I still gotta make an appearance. lol. I'm sure everyone will be "oh so gone" by then so it should make for an interesting party. After that, I gotta head on over to my cousin's party. He's throwing some big shabang all night long...so if i get there at about 4 in tha mo'nin... i doubt if anyone will look at me odd. *tired already from what's to come* Soooo i figure i'd just take it easy for these next two hours and get ready for a night/morning of fun.
As I was resting... i began thinking about this year and all it has entailed. The people I've met as well as the people I've had to say goodbye to. My job, my family...my own self and how i've changed. Let me just take a moment to reflect....
What I'm leaving behind in 2004....
AM Ironically, he was the first person I saw, hugged, kissed, touched, etc. in the year 2004...he's no longer apart of my life in anyway in 2005. In a way, I'm sad to leave him back in '04...but I must press towards greater things.
Self-doubt I've realized that I don't give myself enough credit for things. I've noticed that I don't try things that I think are extremely hard for fear of failing. But I've also noticed that the things that I do try my hardest in, I succeed. Therefore I plan to leave those negative thoughts about what I can and cant do in 2004 and develop more confidence in my abilities and the abilities of the Greater One within me.
A broken heart Though I never discussed it much here... I've had my heart broken a few times this year. Thankfully it wasn't shattered into a million pieces and thankfully God mended it with the Super Glue we call Love and Compassion. So many questions I had about my life and relationships were answered this year. Unfortunately it left me very broken. But believe me when I say that God will fill in every void in your life...He will mend ever broken part of your soul and He will make you whole if you let Him.
People who have entered my life in 2004...
Barry- thanks for always having an encouraging word for me. I pray that next year you'll find all that you were looking for in this year. I love you.
Dia- Guuuuuuuuuurl. You are a TRIP! I'm so glad I met you. I only have a few really close girlfriends and I am so glad to consider you one. I love you.
Bunns- you're one of the best people i know. you came to me at a time when i needed someone to "get me". i needed someone to be silly with and just let down my hair with. thank you for making me feel so good everytime we're together or when we talk or when we write to each other. I pray that you're in my life forever, but if not... I will always be grateful for what we have at this moment in my life. I love you.
"Crush" (KD) - i'm not sure what God's purpose was for our meeting, but I'm glad we met. I'm not sure where we're going, but i'm glad we're here. I don't know if you'll be here next year, but i'm glad you were here this year. I hope that we become better friends and this thing that seems to hold us back from going further...well i pray that God helps us to over come that. I love your life energy and your smile just does it for me. I love you.
And to all of my blog friends whom i've either met in person or just chatted with online... I love you all too and may you have a BLESSED New Year!!!!
Monday, December 27, 2004
Happy Holidays!
I've stared at this screen for 7 minutes now. I've started over 4 times. Nothing seems to accurately represent what I feel and what I want to say. There's so much going on inside of me and I have no idea how to explain it. I just know that God is doing something miraculous in my life. No matter how much I run, or how far I roam. God always seems to guide me back to the path He has prepared for me....and for that I am eternally grateful.
It's amazing how some days everything in life seems so clear. You know where you're heading, you know what you're doing. You know who you are.... and then one day you wake up and nothing seems to make sense. You realize that you really don't know anything at all...and everything you were once sure of is now very "if-y".
That's me now. I realize that I don't know anything anymore. Everything I once knew, I no longer know...and everything that once seemed clear is now a big blur. The funny part about it is that... i'm totally okay with that. *sigh* I can't really explain it right now...so i'll just leave it at that. You wouldn't believe that I've been sitting here for an hour now...and this is all the far i've gotten. lol. Sooooo. Maybe I'll just try later.
It's amazing how some days everything in life seems so clear. You know where you're heading, you know what you're doing. You know who you are.... and then one day you wake up and nothing seems to make sense. You realize that you really don't know anything at all...and everything you were once sure of is now very "if-y".
That's me now. I realize that I don't know anything anymore. Everything I once knew, I no longer know...and everything that once seemed clear is now a big blur. The funny part about it is that... i'm totally okay with that. *sigh* I can't really explain it right now...so i'll just leave it at that. You wouldn't believe that I've been sitting here for an hour now...and this is all the far i've gotten. lol. Sooooo. Maybe I'll just try later.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Be careful what you wish for...
Friday Dec 17th
2:30pm
*celly rings @ work*
Me: Hello?
Chocolate Tease: hey Love
Me: *smiling* Hey
Chocolate Tease: how u doin?
Me: I’m good, how are you?
Chocolate Tease: better now that I hear your voice..
Me: *melting like a school girl*
Chocolate Tease: So, you coming through before you go out tonight?
Me: Yeah, I still gotta get those passes from you. (Referring to the free b4 midnight passes for visions)
Chocolate Tease: Oh yeah, aight. I’ll print them out for you. Call me before you get here love.
Me: *thinking … “I always call”* Aight that’s a bet, see you later.
Chocolate Tease: Aight, later.
5:13pm
*calling Chocolate Tease*
Chocolate Tease: Hey love, you here?
Me: yup.
Chocolate Tease: Aight…don’t get out. I’m comin.
Me: okay. *hanging up the phone thinking… “why he gotta come out?”
Just then, I hear a tap on my window followed by a big smile. His bedroom eyes seemed to sparkle today. I get out the car as calm as I could while trying my best not to stare at him too much. His tan suede blazer, cream Alfani shirt and brown slacks looked good against his chocolate skin. I couldn’t believe he was still in his work clothes. Usually by the time I come over after work, he would have been home for an hour and would have stripped off the corporate clothes and replaced them with his black Nike shorts and wife beater. What a difference clothes can make. I almost forgot how well he cleans up.
Me: Hey Hey. *cheesin as a I give him a big bear hug on my tip toes*
Chocolate Tease: Hey love, *cheek kiss then forehead kiss* Do me a favor… I know this sounds weird but just trust me aight…
Me: aight *looking puzzled*
Chocolate Tease: Go to the store and..
Me: But I just…
Chocolate Tease: aaaaaught. *putting his hand over my mouth* Just go to the store please… and pick me up some paper towels. I just realized we were out.
Me: *sighing , rolling my eyes and smacking at him* You STILL could’ve told me that BEFORE I got here.
Chocolate Tease: *handing me a $20* I know love, I didn’t realize it until when you called. I’m sorry. *pressing my head into his chest with his hand and hugging me tight*
Me: Whatever. Any particular kind? *I say snappily*
He says "Nope. Whatever you get is fine." as he runs back inside. I start heading to the store and mumbling under my breath until about halfway there when I realized that something isn’t right. Why does he need paper towels right now? Why he couldn’t get it later? He has a car! Why couldn’t he call his roommate and tell HIM to get it? Something isn’t right. He didn’t want me to come in. Why?
*PI* (pertinent info)
Mr. Chocolate Tease and I have been seeing a lot of each other this last past month. Ever since we re-united at my girl’s party, we see each other at least twice a week. I’ve been putting "the brakes" on this roller coaster since then too! I was hoping that my crush (who reads this blog) would read my post from Dec 1st and take the hint that it’s time to let me know if he’s feeling me because I can't put my life on hold while he figures it out. However, the more I thought about it, i realized that if it takes him this long to decide whether or not he's into me …then he's probably not the one for me. I can't be with someone who's not sure about me. I want you to know that you know. I wanna be with someone who wants to be with me and to be honest…there's a lot of young men that fall into that category. (okay how did I get off the subject..lol) Anyways… he and I did lunch last week and it was very clear to me that he just wants to be friends. I can respect that. Honestly, I think he’s crushin on someone else too. But that’s a whole nother post. lol Sooooooooo I decided that when the new year comes in, I will let the chips fall as they may. Chocolate Tease is showing a lot of interest in me. He’s always calling and spending time with me and he has no problem letting me know how he feels. I like that. So if things speed up between us…I won’t cool it down anymore to wait on my “crush” to decide whether or not he likes me.
*End of PI*
So in saying that… I thought it weird for him to not let me in like that. Was there another girl in there? If it was… that’s cool. We’re not together so I really have no say in that. But I don’t like to be lied to or played or ran game on. If you chillin with someone, then just tell me. Don’t hide it. I deal better with truth.
5:37pm
I get back to his crib and i’m pretty much steaming mad. My heart is racing cuz I came all the way to his house and he sends me back out and I’ve convinced myself that it was because someone was in there. So I don’t even tell him I’m outside. Nope Nope Nope. I walk up to the door and rang the doorbell about 5 times in a row. The longer I waited…the more upset and hurt I became. About 20 seconds later, I heard the door unlocking. My heart began beating faster because I REFUSED to show any emotion one way or the other, but I was honestly pissed and no matter how much I tried to hide it…I couldn’t. So he opens the door and lets me in while apologizing for the delay. I come in mad as all get out. But before I could say something to him… my jaw dropped.
Instantly I forgot.
I forgot how mad I was at him. I forgot how cold it was outside for those 25 seconds. I forgot that I had 2 rolls of paper towels in my hand (which he took and put with the rolls he already had). I forgot that I was supposed to go off on him for being so deceitful. I forgot that my jaw was still hanging.
Me: What’s goin on?
Chocolate Tease: I'm sorry I didn't let you in at first, but i wasn't ready for you yet. I'm still not, but it's all good. I couldn't think of anything else to stall. *laughing* You like?
Me: Well so far, yeah! Wow… what’s all this?
I asked as I took off my coat and strolled over to the table with my framed picture and 3 neatly wrapped presents marked “Love” on them. He had some older jazz music playing…didn’t know who it was…I think it was a compilation of folks, but it was simply beautiful. The lights off, curtains closed… most of the lighting came from the candles surrounding the tables and entertainment system.
Me: beautiful wrapping paper…i mumble while fingering the pretty lace bow on top of the small gift. I wondered what was in it.
Chocolate Tease: What u say? Come in here.
Kicking off my boots and putting down the gift…I walk into the kitchen. I smelled the aroma when I first came in, but it was slightly offset by the wonderful smell of the vanilla and lavender candles he had everywhere.
Me: okay! *laughing* I didn’t know you cooked. *looking at the chicken marsala and potatoes he was almost finished preparing.*
Chocolate Tease: I don’t. *laughing* Well…I don’t much. I can do a lil somethin though. I hope it taste good or else we gone be eating ramen noodles.
Me: laughing. Now I wish I hadn’t ate such a big lunch. *plopping down in a chair* So...why are you doing all of this?
Chocolate Tease: After a long pause…. I dunno really. Good question. I just …I dunno. I just wanted to do something for you.
Me: Awwwwwww....Thanks. *blushing*
So we eat and chat and to be honest… I’ve never had a real “candlelight” dinner except at restaurants…so it was really nice. He looked really nice. I looked like crap since it was Friday and I always dress down on Fridays. lol. We didn’t leave the kitchen until around 7:30ish. (I helped him clean up the kitchen..though most of it was already done by the time I got there.)
7:30ish
Chocolate Tease: was it good?
Me: *stuffed* mmmm. Great! You did pretty good. I’m impressed. *laughing*
Chocolate Tease: Thanks. Aight…I know you and Keya are going to Visions tonight…(getting up to get my passes) so I won’t hold you here too long. BUT…you have two options right now. Either you open your gifts now… or I can give you that massage you’ve been hollering about you want.
Me: hmmm. *thinking that I really want that massage…but I’m afraid to where it might lead. I might be a bit naïve about some things, but in no means am I stupid. lol* How about I open these and then we’ll see where we are on time.
Chocolate Tease: *grinning* I knew you’d say that. Aight open this one first.
He pointed to a medium sized gift box wrapped in red and gold paper. Feeling like I was three…I clapped all excitedly and grabbed the gift. It wasn’t heavy at all. Wondering what it could be, I tore open the box and looked in awe as I pulled out a fuscia colored silk chemise with black lace trimming. (kinda like this one) I felt… funny. Why is he buying me lingerie?
Chocolate Tease: I know what you’re thinking. I’m not trying to get ahead of myself or anything. Trust me, I wish I COULD see you in that... and hopefully one day I will. *wink* But I bought it for a specific reason, all the gifts have meaning. I’ll explain later.
“Okay” I said as I kinda relaxed a little. He has a way of doing that… he always seems to read my face and know exactly what I’m thinking. I pull it completely out the box. “It’s VERY pretty. I like it.” I said softly through my blushes.
Chocolate Tease: I knew you would. *smiling and watching me fiddle with the lace* Okay… next present. I’m getting kinda turned on watching you with that in your hand. *uneasy laugh*
So he hands me the next box. This box was heavy. I’m talking BRICKS kinda heavy. So I’m like….dang what’s in here??
To my surpise, there’s a lot of different things in there. I saw movie stubs as well as VHS movies…a copelands glass…a picture frame and a poem…(which I would share..but it was kinda “personal” lol) I knew offhand that the movie stubs were from the movies we had seen together over the last month or so. And the movies well…that would take up too much time to explain them both…but one of the two he got me was “Sliding Doors” which is one of my favorite movies EVER. The copelands glass I figured he kept from the time we went to copelands…and I had no idea what the picture frame meant.
Me: so you’re gonna tell me what these all mean?
Chocolate Tease: naw…open your last gift first..then I’ll tell you. *grinning*
Me: looking at him …*sigh* alright alright. *pretending to pout*
Wait!! Nevermind!! He said intensely. I’ll go ahead and explain now. Hold your last gift in your hand though.
I place the small box i was fingering earlier into the palm of my hand. I smiled and instantly became really nervous as he began talking.
Okay Love, *nervous sigh* the first gift I gave you represents our past. Given how we met, the first thing I thought of when I saw you was you in some slinky silky lingerie while you danced for me. I’ll admit, i wanted you. You was doin yo thang with that duck ass dude, but I knew that there was a sexual attraction between the two of us. So this represents our sexy, passionate meeting.
This gift here…*pointing to the opened gift on the table* represents us now. Our outings, blockbuster nights, our friendship. The empty Copeland glass and picture frame are parts of our present that I hope to fill in the future…
Me: okay. *looking confused*
Chocolate Tease: *laughing* Just open your present.
Now this… (pointing at the ruby/diamond ring i just opened) symbolizes what I hope our future will be. It’s not much, but you get where I’m coming from. I felt like this was a good enough time to tell you how I'm really feeling about us. This is the only way I know how to put it. Presently, that Copelands glass is empty, but I hope that it will one day be filled with wine from our reception. Presently, that picture frame is empty, but I hope that this picture frame will one day be filled with photos of us. And when the time is right, you KNOW I gotta see you in that sexy silk lingerie like I’ve always imagined you in. *slight chuckle*
I laughed a little too...but I had no idea what to say or think. This all kinda came outta nowhere for me. I mean, I know he was feeling me…but I wasn’t expecting for him to break it down like that. I stared at the modest but very beautiful ruby (my birthstone) ring he bought me…and absorbed every word his heart just told me through his lips. I realized how much work he put into all of this…and I began to cry. I’ve never had anyone do something so special for me. EVER. Not even my ex-fiance gave me this feeling during our entire 4 years together. It was an emotional overload.
I told him how I felt. I told him where I was …with him… with my crush… with myself. I told him everything. He assured me that he wasn’t trying to rush things. He just wanted me to know that he fully intends for our friendship to blossom into a relationship and eventually a marriage. He really thinks I might be “the one”. But he said he'll let if flow slow if that would please me. I told him it would.
It’s weird. As much as I’ve wanted someone to finally see “ME”…it's finally happened. I couldn't ask for a cooler friend. But now that it’s happened, I realize that I’m in new territory and that I honestly don’t know what to do…
So for right now…we’ll remain friends. But to be honest, it feels funny to be just friends after an evening like this.
We hugged… I left. At Visions Friday night…everytime I danced, I thought of him as well as where the new year would lead me....
2:30pm
*celly rings @ work*
Me: Hello?
Chocolate Tease: hey Love
Me: *smiling* Hey
Chocolate Tease: how u doin?
Me: I’m good, how are you?
Chocolate Tease: better now that I hear your voice..
Me: *melting like a school girl*
Chocolate Tease: So, you coming through before you go out tonight?
Me: Yeah, I still gotta get those passes from you. (Referring to the free b4 midnight passes for visions)
Chocolate Tease: Oh yeah, aight. I’ll print them out for you. Call me before you get here love.
Me: *thinking … “I always call”* Aight that’s a bet, see you later.
Chocolate Tease: Aight, later.
5:13pm
*calling Chocolate Tease*
Chocolate Tease: Hey love, you here?
Me: yup.
Chocolate Tease: Aight…don’t get out. I’m comin.
Me: okay. *hanging up the phone thinking… “why he gotta come out?”
Just then, I hear a tap on my window followed by a big smile. His bedroom eyes seemed to sparkle today. I get out the car as calm as I could while trying my best not to stare at him too much. His tan suede blazer, cream Alfani shirt and brown slacks looked good against his chocolate skin. I couldn’t believe he was still in his work clothes. Usually by the time I come over after work, he would have been home for an hour and would have stripped off the corporate clothes and replaced them with his black Nike shorts and wife beater. What a difference clothes can make. I almost forgot how well he cleans up.
Me: Hey Hey. *cheesin as a I give him a big bear hug on my tip toes*
Chocolate Tease: Hey love, *cheek kiss then forehead kiss* Do me a favor… I know this sounds weird but just trust me aight…
Me: aight *looking puzzled*
Chocolate Tease: Go to the store and..
Me: But I just…
Chocolate Tease: aaaaaught. *putting his hand over my mouth* Just go to the store please… and pick me up some paper towels. I just realized we were out.
Me: *sighing , rolling my eyes and smacking at him* You STILL could’ve told me that BEFORE I got here.
Chocolate Tease: *handing me a $20* I know love, I didn’t realize it until when you called. I’m sorry. *pressing my head into his chest with his hand and hugging me tight*
Me: Whatever. Any particular kind? *I say snappily*
He says "Nope. Whatever you get is fine." as he runs back inside. I start heading to the store and mumbling under my breath until about halfway there when I realized that something isn’t right. Why does he need paper towels right now? Why he couldn’t get it later? He has a car! Why couldn’t he call his roommate and tell HIM to get it? Something isn’t right. He didn’t want me to come in. Why?
*PI* (pertinent info)
Mr. Chocolate Tease and I have been seeing a lot of each other this last past month. Ever since we re-united at my girl’s party, we see each other at least twice a week. I’ve been putting "the brakes" on this roller coaster since then too! I was hoping that my crush (who reads this blog) would read my post from Dec 1st and take the hint that it’s time to let me know if he’s feeling me because I can't put my life on hold while he figures it out. However, the more I thought about it, i realized that if it takes him this long to decide whether or not he's into me …then he's probably not the one for me. I can't be with someone who's not sure about me. I want you to know that you know. I wanna be with someone who wants to be with me and to be honest…there's a lot of young men that fall into that category. (okay how did I get off the subject..lol) Anyways… he and I did lunch last week and it was very clear to me that he just wants to be friends. I can respect that. Honestly, I think he’s crushin on someone else too. But that’s a whole nother post. lol Sooooooooo I decided that when the new year comes in, I will let the chips fall as they may. Chocolate Tease is showing a lot of interest in me. He’s always calling and spending time with me and he has no problem letting me know how he feels. I like that. So if things speed up between us…I won’t cool it down anymore to wait on my “crush” to decide whether or not he likes me.
*End of PI*
So in saying that… I thought it weird for him to not let me in like that. Was there another girl in there? If it was… that’s cool. We’re not together so I really have no say in that. But I don’t like to be lied to or played or ran game on. If you chillin with someone, then just tell me. Don’t hide it. I deal better with truth.
5:37pm
I get back to his crib and i’m pretty much steaming mad. My heart is racing cuz I came all the way to his house and he sends me back out and I’ve convinced myself that it was because someone was in there. So I don’t even tell him I’m outside. Nope Nope Nope. I walk up to the door and rang the doorbell about 5 times in a row. The longer I waited…the more upset and hurt I became. About 20 seconds later, I heard the door unlocking. My heart began beating faster because I REFUSED to show any emotion one way or the other, but I was honestly pissed and no matter how much I tried to hide it…I couldn’t. So he opens the door and lets me in while apologizing for the delay. I come in mad as all get out. But before I could say something to him… my jaw dropped.
Instantly I forgot.
I forgot how mad I was at him. I forgot how cold it was outside for those 25 seconds. I forgot that I had 2 rolls of paper towels in my hand (which he took and put with the rolls he already had). I forgot that I was supposed to go off on him for being so deceitful. I forgot that my jaw was still hanging.
Me: What’s goin on?
Chocolate Tease: I'm sorry I didn't let you in at first, but i wasn't ready for you yet. I'm still not, but it's all good. I couldn't think of anything else to stall. *laughing* You like?
Me: Well so far, yeah! Wow… what’s all this?
I asked as I took off my coat and strolled over to the table with my framed picture and 3 neatly wrapped presents marked “Love” on them. He had some older jazz music playing…didn’t know who it was…I think it was a compilation of folks, but it was simply beautiful. The lights off, curtains closed… most of the lighting came from the candles surrounding the tables and entertainment system.
Me: beautiful wrapping paper…i mumble while fingering the pretty lace bow on top of the small gift. I wondered what was in it.
Chocolate Tease: What u say? Come in here.
Kicking off my boots and putting down the gift…I walk into the kitchen. I smelled the aroma when I first came in, but it was slightly offset by the wonderful smell of the vanilla and lavender candles he had everywhere.
Me: okay! *laughing* I didn’t know you cooked. *looking at the chicken marsala and potatoes he was almost finished preparing.*
Chocolate Tease: I don’t. *laughing* Well…I don’t much. I can do a lil somethin though. I hope it taste good or else we gone be eating ramen noodles.
Me: laughing. Now I wish I hadn’t ate such a big lunch. *plopping down in a chair* So...why are you doing all of this?
Chocolate Tease: After a long pause…. I dunno really. Good question. I just …I dunno. I just wanted to do something for you.
Me: Awwwwwww....Thanks. *blushing*
So we eat and chat and to be honest… I’ve never had a real “candlelight” dinner except at restaurants…so it was really nice. He looked really nice. I looked like crap since it was Friday and I always dress down on Fridays. lol. We didn’t leave the kitchen until around 7:30ish. (I helped him clean up the kitchen..though most of it was already done by the time I got there.)
7:30ish
Chocolate Tease: was it good?
Me: *stuffed* mmmm. Great! You did pretty good. I’m impressed. *laughing*
Chocolate Tease: Thanks. Aight…I know you and Keya are going to Visions tonight…(getting up to get my passes) so I won’t hold you here too long. BUT…you have two options right now. Either you open your gifts now… or I can give you that massage you’ve been hollering about you want.
Me: hmmm. *thinking that I really want that massage…but I’m afraid to where it might lead. I might be a bit naïve about some things, but in no means am I stupid. lol* How about I open these and then we’ll see where we are on time.
Chocolate Tease: *grinning* I knew you’d say that. Aight open this one first.
He pointed to a medium sized gift box wrapped in red and gold paper. Feeling like I was three…I clapped all excitedly and grabbed the gift. It wasn’t heavy at all. Wondering what it could be, I tore open the box and looked in awe as I pulled out a fuscia colored silk chemise with black lace trimming. (kinda like this one) I felt… funny. Why is he buying me lingerie?
Chocolate Tease: I know what you’re thinking. I’m not trying to get ahead of myself or anything. Trust me, I wish I COULD see you in that... and hopefully one day I will. *wink* But I bought it for a specific reason, all the gifts have meaning. I’ll explain later.
“Okay” I said as I kinda relaxed a little. He has a way of doing that… he always seems to read my face and know exactly what I’m thinking. I pull it completely out the box. “It’s VERY pretty. I like it.” I said softly through my blushes.
Chocolate Tease: I knew you would. *smiling and watching me fiddle with the lace* Okay… next present. I’m getting kinda turned on watching you with that in your hand. *uneasy laugh*
So he hands me the next box. This box was heavy. I’m talking BRICKS kinda heavy. So I’m like….dang what’s in here??
To my surpise, there’s a lot of different things in there. I saw movie stubs as well as VHS movies…a copelands glass…a picture frame and a poem…(which I would share..but it was kinda “personal” lol) I knew offhand that the movie stubs were from the movies we had seen together over the last month or so. And the movies well…that would take up too much time to explain them both…but one of the two he got me was “Sliding Doors” which is one of my favorite movies EVER. The copelands glass I figured he kept from the time we went to copelands…and I had no idea what the picture frame meant.
Me: so you’re gonna tell me what these all mean?
Chocolate Tease: naw…open your last gift first..then I’ll tell you. *grinning*
Me: looking at him …*sigh* alright alright. *pretending to pout*
Wait!! Nevermind!! He said intensely. I’ll go ahead and explain now. Hold your last gift in your hand though.
I place the small box i was fingering earlier into the palm of my hand. I smiled and instantly became really nervous as he began talking.
Okay Love, *nervous sigh* the first gift I gave you represents our past. Given how we met, the first thing I thought of when I saw you was you in some slinky silky lingerie while you danced for me. I’ll admit, i wanted you. You was doin yo thang with that duck ass dude, but I knew that there was a sexual attraction between the two of us. So this represents our sexy, passionate meeting.
This gift here…*pointing to the opened gift on the table* represents us now. Our outings, blockbuster nights, our friendship. The empty Copeland glass and picture frame are parts of our present that I hope to fill in the future…
Me: okay. *looking confused*
Chocolate Tease: *laughing* Just open your present.
Now this… (pointing at the ruby/diamond ring i just opened) symbolizes what I hope our future will be. It’s not much, but you get where I’m coming from. I felt like this was a good enough time to tell you how I'm really feeling about us. This is the only way I know how to put it. Presently, that Copelands glass is empty, but I hope that it will one day be filled with wine from our reception. Presently, that picture frame is empty, but I hope that this picture frame will one day be filled with photos of us. And when the time is right, you KNOW I gotta see you in that sexy silk lingerie like I’ve always imagined you in. *slight chuckle*
I laughed a little too...but I had no idea what to say or think. This all kinda came outta nowhere for me. I mean, I know he was feeling me…but I wasn’t expecting for him to break it down like that. I stared at the modest but very beautiful ruby (my birthstone) ring he bought me…and absorbed every word his heart just told me through his lips. I realized how much work he put into all of this…and I began to cry. I’ve never had anyone do something so special for me. EVER. Not even my ex-fiance gave me this feeling during our entire 4 years together. It was an emotional overload.
I told him how I felt. I told him where I was …with him… with my crush… with myself. I told him everything. He assured me that he wasn’t trying to rush things. He just wanted me to know that he fully intends for our friendship to blossom into a relationship and eventually a marriage. He really thinks I might be “the one”. But he said he'll let if flow slow if that would please me. I told him it would.
It’s weird. As much as I’ve wanted someone to finally see “ME”…it's finally happened. I couldn't ask for a cooler friend. But now that it’s happened, I realize that I’m in new territory and that I honestly don’t know what to do…
So for right now…we’ll remain friends. But to be honest, it feels funny to be just friends after an evening like this.
We hugged… I left. At Visions Friday night…everytime I danced, I thought of him as well as where the new year would lead me....
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Don't blame me...
Blame HER!!
I know that I have like 3 things I said I’d write about and haven’t gotten around to…but since CeeCee tagged me to do this meme or (hmmm how’d she put it…) “die painfully” I figured I’d go ahead and do it…cuz honestly CeeCee… well It’s not a good dying time for me right…I’m kinda busy at the moment…so err.. here it is.
Take Three
Three names you go by:
1. Sway
2. Babygirl (no, it’s not a nickname some guy gave me…actually quite a few folks call me this…including girls. lol)
3. Brese
Three screennames you have:
1. Jazzy Sway
2.Sexy Femininity
3. Jazzy Lady
Three things you like about yourself:
1. I love hard
2. I’m very forgiving
3. If I try hard enough for something…I’ll get it.
Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. I love hard
2. I’m very forgiving
3. Certain things I really should try hard for… I don’t.
Three parts of your heritage:
1. African American
2. Irish
3. Cherokee (you know “WE” are all Cherokee!! lol) J/K
Three things that scare you:
1. Failure at something I actually work hard towards
2. Loneliness
3. Suffocation
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Prayer/Daily Scripture
2. Carmax
3. Oil of Olay (works wonders ladies..lol)
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. My favorite silver/diamond necklace
2. A black sweater
3. black stiletto boots.
Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment…cuz this changes almost daily…lol):
1. Maxwell
2. Fred Hammond
3. Jodeci
Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. Tell her – Teedra Moss
2. No Words- Seleena J.
3. Hey Lover- LL (yeah I know it’s old…but that’s my jam)
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Learning Japanese
2. Take a cooking class
3. errr this last one falls under T.M.I *lol* ( this was Cee Cee’s answer…but err..imma have to gone and say it’s mine too.)
Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Stability
2. Honesty
3. Compatibility
Two truths and a lie:
1. I’m addicted to Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks.
2. I’ve asked several people for gift certificates to Vicki Secret as a Christmas gift.
3. I am a horrible liar.
Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
1. Eyes
2. Lips/Smile
3. Voice/Diction/Tone/Speech. ( I know they're different…but I couldn’t pick just one)
Three things you just can't do:
1. Hide my true feelings about something/someone
2. Scream
3. Be purposefully spiteful
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Singing
2. Reading
3. Watching football
Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1.Sleep
2. Drink some caramel macchiato.
3. Did I mention Sleep
Three careers you're considering:
1. Counseling/Psychiatry
2. Lead Researcher in the public health field
3. Vocal Performance
Three places you want to go to on vacation:
1. Ghana or Ethiopia (i wanna go to both for different reasons.)
2. Egypt
3. Beaches in Portugal
Three kids names:
1. Khalia
2. Khalil
3. Khailey
Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Go to the Prague National Theater in Chez or to see the Opera “Die Walküre” (Valkyrie).
2. Make a positive difference in at least one person’s life.
3. Live.
Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Cymple
The Kid
Nick (who probably won’t see this until next year sometime. lol)
I know that I have like 3 things I said I’d write about and haven’t gotten around to…but since CeeCee tagged me to do this meme or (hmmm how’d she put it…) “die painfully” I figured I’d go ahead and do it…cuz honestly CeeCee… well It’s not a good dying time for me right…I’m kinda busy at the moment…so err.. here it is.
Take Three
Three names you go by:
1. Sway
2. Babygirl (no, it’s not a nickname some guy gave me…actually quite a few folks call me this…including girls. lol)
3. Brese
Three screennames you have:
1. Jazzy Sway
2.Sexy Femininity
3. Jazzy Lady
Three things you like about yourself:
1. I love hard
2. I’m very forgiving
3. If I try hard enough for something…I’ll get it.
Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. I love hard
2. I’m very forgiving
3. Certain things I really should try hard for… I don’t.
Three parts of your heritage:
1. African American
2. Irish
3. Cherokee (you know “WE” are all Cherokee!! lol) J/K
Three things that scare you:
1. Failure at something I actually work hard towards
2. Loneliness
3. Suffocation
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Prayer/Daily Scripture
2. Carmax
3. Oil of Olay (works wonders ladies..lol)
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. My favorite silver/diamond necklace
2. A black sweater
3. black stiletto boots.
Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment…cuz this changes almost daily…lol):
1. Maxwell
2. Fred Hammond
3. Jodeci
Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. Tell her – Teedra Moss
2. No Words- Seleena J.
3. Hey Lover- LL (yeah I know it’s old…but that’s my jam)
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Learning Japanese
2. Take a cooking class
3. errr this last one falls under T.M.I *lol* ( this was Cee Cee’s answer…but err..imma have to gone and say it’s mine too.)
Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Stability
2. Honesty
3. Compatibility
Two truths and a lie:
1. I’m addicted to Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks.
2. I’ve asked several people for gift certificates to Vicki Secret as a Christmas gift.
3. I am a horrible liar.
Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
1. Eyes
2. Lips/Smile
3. Voice/Diction/Tone/Speech. ( I know they're different…but I couldn’t pick just one)
Three things you just can't do:
1. Hide my true feelings about something/someone
2. Scream
3. Be purposefully spiteful
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Singing
2. Reading
3. Watching football
Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1.Sleep
2. Drink some caramel macchiato.
3. Did I mention Sleep
Three careers you're considering:
1. Counseling/Psychiatry
2. Lead Researcher in the public health field
3. Vocal Performance
Three places you want to go to on vacation:
1. Ghana or Ethiopia (i wanna go to both for different reasons.)
2. Egypt
3. Beaches in Portugal
Three kids names:
1. Khalia
2. Khalil
3. Khailey
Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Go to the Prague National Theater in Chez or to see the Opera “Die Walküre” (Valkyrie).
2. Make a positive difference in at least one person’s life.
3. Live.
Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Cymple
The Kid
Nick (who probably won’t see this until next year sometime. lol)
Monday, December 13, 2004
It's Monday...
...and I'm busy. I guess it's a good thing because honestly... i'm not in a writing mood. I actually have a few things to get off my chest...and I had a great weekend that I need to write about...but um...it's not getting done today. Anyway...if i forget, please remind me to tell you guys about my weekend. Til then....
Gone.
WINDOW TO MY SOUL...
What do you see when you look into me...
A little pride?
Hurts I'm trying to hide?
A person in whom you can confide?
What do you see in these eyes?
I'm pouring out my soul with each glance...
Hoping a simple look will spark a chance...
For u to see me ...completely...
Every fiber of my being...
is expelled from this one portal.
Every thought that passes my mind stops here.
Every memory in my head that i hold dear.
Every word...every touch...every feeling...you can see...
if only you dare to stare into the soul of me...
Gone.
WINDOW TO MY SOUL...
What do you see when you look into me...
A little pride?
Hurts I'm trying to hide?
A person in whom you can confide?
What do you see in these eyes?
I'm pouring out my soul with each glance...
Hoping a simple look will spark a chance...
For u to see me ...completely...
Every fiber of my being...
is expelled from this one portal.
Every thought that passes my mind stops here.
Every memory in my head that i hold dear.
Every word...every touch...every feeling...you can see...
if only you dare to stare into the soul of me...
Friday, December 10, 2004
Too busy having fun....
Just checkin in to say how GREAT today is. It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I have a great 5th floor view of it all from my officle. It's friday...which of course makes it a good day by default...plus we're getting off early today for no apparent reason... AND we're having a christmas celebration for the entire office starting at noon! So I get to eat free, go home early and get paid good. What more can you ask for. My co-workers and I are decorating our floor so of course no work will be done until maybe...11:30...but of course at noon, we'll stop.
Life is definitely good right now. I'm thankful. Gotta go play some more. Gone :)
Life is definitely good right now. I'm thankful. Gotta go play some more. Gone :)
Monday, December 06, 2004
2 posts in one day...
Well well well... i finally finished the bizillion things on my desk...only to find that it is PAST 5pm and I'm the only one still here. *sigh* Sway's work is never done. So....since I was here...alone...and honestly, the longer I stay, the better my chances are of avoiding all of the 5'o clock traffic jams...i figured I'd tell you a few happenings of my weekend. I know...i know... 2 full posts in one day... who'da thunk it. (lol) I guess Fave is rubbing off on me. With his 3-4 posts a day. It's pretty cool. However, i'm sure this is the last time I'll be doing this for a while. lol.
We called the Police... on my crazy neighbor. His habitual pole beating has gone on for too long. We found out that we the entire neighborhood and the neighborhood behind us can hear his beating...so we're not the only ones who are having trouble sleeping. We also found out that our other neighbors (who's 2 doors down from crazy neighbor) had already called the po-po's on him once. So....we figured hey.... we should do the entire neighborhood a service and call the boys in blue once more. So not knowing how deep they rolled...we called the cops and tried to get them to discretely come out since crazy neighbor had been beating the pole for a good 2 hours solid and we were going crazy! About 15-20 minutes later... 4 police cars stopped in front of our house and his and began looking really crazy. I didn't understand why until they knocked on our door asking where he was. They claim that they heard the noise about 3 blocks down and was trying to figure out where it was coming from. We pointed to "crazy neighbor's" back yard...and we went back in our house and proceded to decorate our live christmas tree. 5 minutes later, they rang our door bell to tell us that he had ran into the woods talking about "they out to get me...they out to get me" and they said that they will find him ...DEFINIETLY. *sigh* Dang...crazy neighbor. I hate it had to come to that. Now I'm afraid he's really gonna start nutting up.
Friday and saturday nights were filled with wonderful company. Friday, BG and I went to dinner and a movie. Though I had already saw the movie we went to see... it was great seeing it with him. Everything seems better with him. He's one of those rare people that I really really connect with. Like... I have no reservations around him. I can be as silly as I wanna be... as crazy and talkative as I wanna be... he just....brings out the best part of me. The woman I enjoy being. The first time I wrote about BG...I told you all that when we met, our souls found playmates.... and I still feel that way. Sometimes I wish he and I were family so I could guarentee that he'd always be in my life some kinda way. He really does mean a lot to me. More than I think he realizes.
Saturday night I had a visitor. My old roomate from my days at Emory came down from Cleveland and decided to stop by and see about me. She still looks the same. I used to hate the fact that her butt was sooo friggin big. It wasn't fair. But then again...she felt the same way about my "tops". lol. I figured that.... together, we'd be the finest female on earth. lol Anyway, we chatted for a while. I offered to show her a good time around the city...but what I didn't realize was that she was here with her HUSBAND and BABY. huh? How come she didn't say anything about getting married OR having a child in all of the many phone conversations...emails... or IM's that we share on the regular. Hmph. I guess I wasn't as good a friend as I thought. Anyway... she left and I began reminiscing about the many many wonderful...and not so wonderful memories of my college years. How about this... I'd love to share one with you guys...so i'll jot down a few and I need you all to tell me which one you'd like to hear about k? cool.
* My roomate and I dating the same man for 3 months without knowing....and he came to our apt. all the time.
* My proposal to my then fiance.
* My first real experience at freaknik.
* How I broke both my ankles within 4 months of each other.
* The crazy party that ellicited my first (and last) female kiss.
or
* The night I found out my fiance was cheating on me.
We called the Police... on my crazy neighbor. His habitual pole beating has gone on for too long. We found out that we the entire neighborhood and the neighborhood behind us can hear his beating...so we're not the only ones who are having trouble sleeping. We also found out that our other neighbors (who's 2 doors down from crazy neighbor) had already called the po-po's on him once. So....we figured hey.... we should do the entire neighborhood a service and call the boys in blue once more. So not knowing how deep they rolled...we called the cops and tried to get them to discretely come out since crazy neighbor had been beating the pole for a good 2 hours solid and we were going crazy! About 15-20 minutes later... 4 police cars stopped in front of our house and his and began looking really crazy. I didn't understand why until they knocked on our door asking where he was. They claim that they heard the noise about 3 blocks down and was trying to figure out where it was coming from. We pointed to "crazy neighbor's" back yard...and we went back in our house and proceded to decorate our live christmas tree. 5 minutes later, they rang our door bell to tell us that he had ran into the woods talking about "they out to get me...they out to get me" and they said that they will find him ...DEFINIETLY. *sigh* Dang...crazy neighbor. I hate it had to come to that. Now I'm afraid he's really gonna start nutting up.
Friday and saturday nights were filled with wonderful company. Friday, BG and I went to dinner and a movie. Though I had already saw the movie we went to see... it was great seeing it with him. Everything seems better with him. He's one of those rare people that I really really connect with. Like... I have no reservations around him. I can be as silly as I wanna be... as crazy and talkative as I wanna be... he just....brings out the best part of me. The woman I enjoy being. The first time I wrote about BG...I told you all that when we met, our souls found playmates.... and I still feel that way. Sometimes I wish he and I were family so I could guarentee that he'd always be in my life some kinda way. He really does mean a lot to me. More than I think he realizes.
Saturday night I had a visitor. My old roomate from my days at Emory came down from Cleveland and decided to stop by and see about me. She still looks the same. I used to hate the fact that her butt was sooo friggin big. It wasn't fair. But then again...she felt the same way about my "tops". lol. I figured that.... together, we'd be the finest female on earth. lol Anyway, we chatted for a while. I offered to show her a good time around the city...but what I didn't realize was that she was here with her HUSBAND and BABY. huh? How come she didn't say anything about getting married OR having a child in all of the many phone conversations...emails... or IM's that we share on the regular. Hmph. I guess I wasn't as good a friend as I thought. Anyway... she left and I began reminiscing about the many many wonderful...and not so wonderful memories of my college years. How about this... I'd love to share one with you guys...so i'll jot down a few and I need you all to tell me which one you'd like to hear about k? cool.
* My roomate and I dating the same man for 3 months without knowing....and he came to our apt. all the time.
* My proposal to my then fiance.
* My first real experience at freaknik.
* How I broke both my ankles within 4 months of each other.
* The crazy party that ellicited my first (and last) female kiss.
or
* The night I found out my fiance was cheating on me.
The start of a new week. A chance to start fresh. A new beginning. Ahhh... I love mondays! My face rarely shows that...but I really do like mondays. Plus today I have an extra pep in my step. I dunno why. I just do. Maybe it's the wig. lol. Yup. I know... I know... don't say it. I had to get one though. Not that I NEED a wig...but dang...i'm tired of putting all that heat of a straightener and curler on my hair each and everyday. Plus I got so tired of the POOF on rainy days that I decided to just get a wig with the same style i'm currently rockin...and put that bad boy on whenever it rains. Well...today it rained...and i figured it was a perfect time to try out my new hotness. lol So I cornrowed my natural hair and stuffed it under my wig (since my hair is actually about 2 inches longer than my wig. lol) I came in and my co-workers were amazed. They were going on and on about how good my hair looks. I didn't think it was THAT cute...but hey, I'll take the compliments. I really was just wearing it to give my hair a break from the curler heat...and the bad weather, so I wasn't even thinking about whether or not it was cute. lol.
I told one co-worker kept ranting and raving about how good my hair looks so i finally told her it was a wig and she didn't believe it. She actually laughed...and then was like.. wait...you for real? She was like....girl i ain't neva seen a wig that looks that natural. lol. I thought that was funny. But the way she kept going on and on about how cute it was made me wonder... "what does my natural hair look like to her on any given day" lol. She act as if she's never seen my hair lookin nice or somethin. lol. I mean, sure...i'm quick to throw that ish in a ponytail or something..but my hair still looks nice though. Dah well...I know I can hook my own hair up when need be. *tossing my wig hair. lol* I guess i should take a picture of it huh? ya'll should see it. hahaha.
Anywho.... before i get started on my monday work load....i just want to go on record saying how incredibly hurt i am about yesterday's game against the Bucs. Man... i wanted to say "WTF?" about 50948754 times yesterday. I kept screaming at the television "WHY WON'T YOU RUN VICK.... WHYYYYYYY!!" I mean, everyone knows that Vick ISN'T a pocket quarterback. Everytime he stays in the pocket, one of two things happen... they either rush him and he'll throw the ball away..but like his cousin Brooks...(naw... Vick's worse...) he'll throw it up and cause an interception...or two he'll he gets sacked. There's no other alternative to that... those are always the outcomes of his pocket throwing experiences. And we ALL know that when Vick gets hit...he does what?? all together say: Drops the doggone ball!! FUMBLE EVERYTIME. Twice yesterday the falcons were on the 1 yard line.... ONE YARD LINE and couldn't get a touchdown. Vick threw an interception like all darn day. The falcons turned over the ball like 4 times yesterday. That's ridiculous. Aaaaaah. Vick... do what you do best....ROLL OUT! It works for you. Do it. Tampa Bay MURDERED him in that pocket. And then to top it off...Vick throws wayyy to high. He has so much power and speed when he throws...which makes him awesome...but he needs to work on his aim. He's gonna get someone hurt throwing so high cuz everytime they gotta stop and jump up to catch it and i can just see someone now hitting the mess outta Price...(scratch that...he hasn't caught anything noteworthy all season though they payin him like he's Randy Moss or T. O. ... oooh don't get me started on that) err... Crumpler when he comes out of the air from catching one of Vick's passes and being crashed into the ground. I'm telling you... once Vick learns to throw the ball dead in their chest.... he'd be unstoppable. BUT FOR NOW... um... practice throwing in the pocket at PRACTICE...and roll out so you can see the field and run if need be during games!! PLEASE! *sigh* Okay...end of vent. Sorry. Had to get it off my chest. I feel better now so I'm off to work . Gone.
I told one co-worker kept ranting and raving about how good my hair looks so i finally told her it was a wig and she didn't believe it. She actually laughed...and then was like.. wait...you for real? She was like....girl i ain't neva seen a wig that looks that natural. lol. I thought that was funny. But the way she kept going on and on about how cute it was made me wonder... "what does my natural hair look like to her on any given day" lol. She act as if she's never seen my hair lookin nice or somethin. lol. I mean, sure...i'm quick to throw that ish in a ponytail or something..but my hair still looks nice though. Dah well...I know I can hook my own hair up when need be. *tossing my wig hair. lol* I guess i should take a picture of it huh? ya'll should see it. hahaha.
Anywho.... before i get started on my monday work load....i just want to go on record saying how incredibly hurt i am about yesterday's game against the Bucs. Man... i wanted to say "WTF?" about 50948754 times yesterday. I kept screaming at the television "WHY WON'T YOU RUN VICK.... WHYYYYYYY!!" I mean, everyone knows that Vick ISN'T a pocket quarterback. Everytime he stays in the pocket, one of two things happen... they either rush him and he'll throw the ball away..but like his cousin Brooks...(naw... Vick's worse...) he'll throw it up and cause an interception...or two he'll he gets sacked. There's no other alternative to that... those are always the outcomes of his pocket throwing experiences. And we ALL know that when Vick gets hit...he does what?? all together say: Drops the doggone ball!! FUMBLE EVERYTIME. Twice yesterday the falcons were on the 1 yard line.... ONE YARD LINE and couldn't get a touchdown. Vick threw an interception like all darn day. The falcons turned over the ball like 4 times yesterday. That's ridiculous. Aaaaaah. Vick... do what you do best....ROLL OUT! It works for you. Do it. Tampa Bay MURDERED him in that pocket. And then to top it off...Vick throws wayyy to high. He has so much power and speed when he throws...which makes him awesome...but he needs to work on his aim. He's gonna get someone hurt throwing so high cuz everytime they gotta stop and jump up to catch it and i can just see someone now hitting the mess outta Price...(scratch that...he hasn't caught anything noteworthy all season though they payin him like he's Randy Moss or T. O. ... oooh don't get me started on that) err... Crumpler when he comes out of the air from catching one of Vick's passes and being crashed into the ground. I'm telling you... once Vick learns to throw the ball dead in their chest.... he'd be unstoppable. BUT FOR NOW... um... practice throwing in the pocket at PRACTICE...and roll out so you can see the field and run if need be during games!! PLEASE! *sigh* Okay...end of vent. Sorry. Had to get it off my chest. I feel better now so I'm off to work . Gone.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Why ya'll Why?
I figured I'd have time today to finish up my last post...but unfortunately I don't.
I really just came on to say that... I am SUPER MAD because my crazy neighbor (read here) started back beating the doggone pole again. And now I'm snifflin and sneezing cuz I had to turn on the fan to create suitible nocturnal noise to overpower his pole beating so that I could fall asleep. He SUCKS! I wish he'd mooooooooooooove. Go awaaaaaaaaaay! Ugh! I found out he beats the pole with a a hammer. He beats a metal pole with a hammer! At 11 at night. I woke up around 2:15 this morning because this guy named Kareem decided he wanted to call me on his way home from Visions because I was "on his mind"... (a whole nother story. lol) ... and the crazy neighbor man was STILL at it. How long can you beat a doggone pole? Okay, he started at 11 and was still going strong at 2:15ish in the morning. Do ya'll know how cold it was outside? Do ya? I'm surprised he doesn't have pneumonia or somethin. His arms should be as big as Stone Cold's or Goldberg's the way he goes at it. *sigh* I'm not sleeping at home tonight... I can't take it. I might have to call the po-po's on him if he keeps it up.
I really just came on to say that... I am SUPER MAD because my crazy neighbor (read here) started back beating the doggone pole again. And now I'm snifflin and sneezing cuz I had to turn on the fan to create suitible nocturnal noise to overpower his pole beating so that I could fall asleep. He SUCKS! I wish he'd mooooooooooooove. Go awaaaaaaaaaay! Ugh! I found out he beats the pole with a a hammer. He beats a metal pole with a hammer! At 11 at night. I woke up around 2:15 this morning because this guy named Kareem decided he wanted to call me on his way home from Visions because I was "on his mind"... (a whole nother story. lol) ... and the crazy neighbor man was STILL at it. How long can you beat a doggone pole? Okay, he started at 11 and was still going strong at 2:15ish in the morning. Do ya'll know how cold it was outside? Do ya? I'm surprised he doesn't have pneumonia or somethin. His arms should be as big as Stone Cold's or Goldberg's the way he goes at it. *sigh* I'm not sleeping at home tonight... I can't take it. I might have to call the po-po's on him if he keeps it up.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
November Escapades
Yes Yes Ya’ll. Ya girl’s been busy. I’ve been going non stop for like…the last 2 weeks. I need to sit myself down somewhere and knit or bake something cuz man, I have been off the chain. Like for real. I am really outside my element right now. Most times when it starts getting dark and cold out…I hibernate. But since the holidays hit… I don’t know…I’ve been out and about each and ERRY day…(which is probably why I am sneezing and sniffling right about now). lol. It’s all good though. I’m on a quest. I’m trying to live it up. If there was such a thing as storing up good times to get you through the bad times…this would definitely be one of those storing phases. I’ve hit the surface a little on how the cool weather makes menfolk wanna dust off their lil black book and start hitting up old flames in hopes of rekindling that fire for the cold winter. Well… for some reason, this year… I’ve actually taken a few offers. (Okay…dang… stop looking like I just committed the cardinal sin.) I’m not serious about any of them…and I was very upfront and forward when I told them that my going out with them does NOT mean that I’m consenting to us getting back together. But I guess it all goes back to that lonely thing… I want to have fun… and the few select people I chose to go out with always did know how to make me have fun. So here’s my rundown of events from the last two weeks.
Friday the 19th ~ Well I had started out the day thinking that I would use the evening to take out my final set of microbraids so that I can go ahead and finally rock this “natural” do I’ve been obsessively talking about. However, my plans quickly changed…as they often do. Everyone knows I love spur of the moment outings…especially if the outing doesn’t require to much spur of the moment planning… (Ex. = a surprise party… good…a surprise trip to the mountains…not so good.)
Anyways, my homegirl, Biah called me and was like, “hey a couple of my friends and Frank’s (her live-in boyfriend) friends are coming over and we just gonna chill or whatnot… I got food… (which of course was the Key word I was looking for since I don’t really smoke or drink. Lol). So I’m like, “cool, I’m there.”
So I hopped in the shower, put on some gear and cut the other half of my braids to bob length since I had already started cutting them before she called….and headed out the door.
I had NO idea that this was gonna be a full blown house party by the time I set foot in there. Biah and I have been friends since 4th grade…so she knows me like the back of her hand. Had she told me the truth about her “get together” she knew I probably wouldn’t have showed up. lol I love house parties as much as the next (probably even more) BUT err…ahh.. I tend not to go to them much anymore because the Old Sway (aka: Keisha) always seem to pop up and before I know it…I’m shaking my groove thang on the living room floor…HARD! So… I walk in…the air was thick with the smell of blacks and a faint touch of henn. Everyone was jamming to some Trillville, Kilo, and Youngbloods (lol..that’s how we do down hurrr in da souf… lol) …holding a cup of “get right” and talking loud. Apparently most of the people there had left their house feeling “nice”…so by the time they got to Biah’s house…they were on cloud 9. So I greet my long time friend…take off my coat and ask where the food is. As I make my way through the crowd…I spot this nice chocolate tease in the corner wearing a tan kangol and a matching sweater. I smile and keep walking. Something about him seemed…comfortable. I shook the feeling and headed for the meatballs.
So I’m in the kitchen chatting it up with some folks I met at Biah and Frank’s last get together when Chocolate Tease comes gliding in… lips plump…muscles bulging…eyes mysterious under that tilted hat and he glances my way while bending down to get a corona out of the cooler. From that moment, I have NO idea what ole girl in the kitchen was saying to me. I knew those eyes from somewhere… I’ve seen him before.
He sensed my curiosity and took it upon himself to go ahead and make his move. As he popped open his corona, he smiled at me and said, “So, how you been, ma? You still lookin good.”
Trying to stay cool because I instantaneously remembered how and why I knew him once he opened his mouth, I replied “I’m good papi. How u been?”
So we began chatting it up…right there in the kitchen and somehow ending up on the swing set in the serene and romantic setting of Biah’s back yard. I missed talking to him. About 2 that morning, I figured I should head home, I was getting tired, and the party was getting louder... I figured the neighbors would be calling the cops within the next 15-20 minutes anyways... so I gave him a hug...let him kiss my cheek and my hand. And right before I left, he asked me if I was seeing someone. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that because though I'm single, there is someone in my life that I like... ALOT... and though I really get the feeling he's not feeling me as much, I'd hate to mess anything that "might be" up with him.
But at the same time, I'd hate to wait and wait for my "crush" to come to his senses and ask me to be his exclusively and miss out on what "could be" with Mr. Chocolate Tease. So... i hesitated and told him that I date...but nothing is official. He smiled and gave out a muffled sigh of relief and asked if he could call me sometime. I said sure.... and walked out wondering how it was that we never got together in the first place.
He and I lost touch last year. Between me dealing with TD and trying to figure out what was going on with that…and him just getting out of a 3 year relationship, we just kinda lost touch. The timing was off. I remember the first time we met. TD and I went to club Chaos to get our dance on and He was there with some of his friends. He watched TD and I dance all night long. Everytime I saw him, he was just somewhere in the cut…watching me. What got me about him was that women were actually coming up to him… and he never moved from his spot. I’d see a girl go talk to him…and a few minutes later, she’d walk away. And as soon as she did… he’d take a sip of whatever he was drinking on and gaze back at me and TD. After a while, I began dancing for him. lol I’m not sure if TD even noticed since he was pretty gone. By the end of the night TD’s crazy self was all in the mirrors looking at himself dancing, and holding up his lil arm muscles and measuring them like he was He-man or something… and mouthing the words to whatever song was playing like HE was actually shooting a video or something. I figured he was so gone… he probably didn’t notice me flirting with Mr. Chocolate Tease. When I went to the bathroom, Chocolate Tease followed. By the time I came out, he was right there waiting on me and when he opened his mouth… I couldn’t resist leaning forward and asking him to “repite por favor”. And once again, he begin speaking sweet nothings to me in spanish. His deep sultry voice made it even more inviting. He voluntarily told me what it was he said…though I picked up on a few words anyways… but those 3 minutes of convo was enough for me to know that I didn’t want to walk away from him without having his contact info. So we exchanged numbers and talked for about a month afterwards. He was a great conversationalist…and he always knew what questions to ask to get me to talking. Unfortunately for Chocolate Tease, things with me and TD progressed and he was still on that “I want to take things suuuuuuuuper slow” tip… so eventually…we just kinda lost touch.
Since that Friday that I saw him at Biah’s house though, we’ve resumed our nightly chats…and we decided to get up that next day. So Saturday he and I went out. It was nice. Refreshing even. Honestly, I don’t see it progressing into anything romantic, just because well…. I’m really feeling someone else right now. But I’ll be honest, it felt good to be desired by someone so sexy. I was the envy of everyone at the Cheesecake factory that night. lol All eyes were on him, and his eyes were on me. That made me feel really good.
Anyways…I didn’t realize I was gonna type this much about him…so I’ll continue my other escapades from the last two weeks either tomorrow or Friday. Gone.
Friday the 19th ~ Well I had started out the day thinking that I would use the evening to take out my final set of microbraids so that I can go ahead and finally rock this “natural” do I’ve been obsessively talking about. However, my plans quickly changed…as they often do. Everyone knows I love spur of the moment outings…especially if the outing doesn’t require to much spur of the moment planning… (Ex. = a surprise party… good…a surprise trip to the mountains…not so good.)
Anyways, my homegirl, Biah called me and was like, “hey a couple of my friends and Frank’s (her live-in boyfriend) friends are coming over and we just gonna chill or whatnot… I got food… (which of course was the Key word I was looking for since I don’t really smoke or drink. Lol). So I’m like, “cool, I’m there.”
So I hopped in the shower, put on some gear and cut the other half of my braids to bob length since I had already started cutting them before she called….and headed out the door.
I had NO idea that this was gonna be a full blown house party by the time I set foot in there. Biah and I have been friends since 4th grade…so she knows me like the back of her hand. Had she told me the truth about her “get together” she knew I probably wouldn’t have showed up. lol I love house parties as much as the next (probably even more) BUT err…ahh.. I tend not to go to them much anymore because the Old Sway (aka: Keisha) always seem to pop up and before I know it…I’m shaking my groove thang on the living room floor…HARD! So… I walk in…the air was thick with the smell of blacks and a faint touch of henn. Everyone was jamming to some Trillville, Kilo, and Youngbloods (lol..that’s how we do down hurrr in da souf… lol) …holding a cup of “get right” and talking loud. Apparently most of the people there had left their house feeling “nice”…so by the time they got to Biah’s house…they were on cloud 9. So I greet my long time friend…take off my coat and ask where the food is. As I make my way through the crowd…I spot this nice chocolate tease in the corner wearing a tan kangol and a matching sweater. I smile and keep walking. Something about him seemed…comfortable. I shook the feeling and headed for the meatballs.
So I’m in the kitchen chatting it up with some folks I met at Biah and Frank’s last get together when Chocolate Tease comes gliding in… lips plump…muscles bulging…eyes mysterious under that tilted hat and he glances my way while bending down to get a corona out of the cooler. From that moment, I have NO idea what ole girl in the kitchen was saying to me. I knew those eyes from somewhere… I’ve seen him before.
He sensed my curiosity and took it upon himself to go ahead and make his move. As he popped open his corona, he smiled at me and said, “So, how you been, ma? You still lookin good.”
Trying to stay cool because I instantaneously remembered how and why I knew him once he opened his mouth, I replied “I’m good papi. How u been?”
So we began chatting it up…right there in the kitchen and somehow ending up on the swing set in the serene and romantic setting of Biah’s back yard. I missed talking to him. About 2 that morning, I figured I should head home, I was getting tired, and the party was getting louder... I figured the neighbors would be calling the cops within the next 15-20 minutes anyways... so I gave him a hug...let him kiss my cheek and my hand. And right before I left, he asked me if I was seeing someone. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that because though I'm single, there is someone in my life that I like... ALOT... and though I really get the feeling he's not feeling me as much, I'd hate to mess anything that "might be" up with him.
But at the same time, I'd hate to wait and wait for my "crush" to come to his senses and ask me to be his exclusively and miss out on what "could be" with Mr. Chocolate Tease. So... i hesitated and told him that I date...but nothing is official. He smiled and gave out a muffled sigh of relief and asked if he could call me sometime. I said sure.... and walked out wondering how it was that we never got together in the first place.
He and I lost touch last year. Between me dealing with TD and trying to figure out what was going on with that…and him just getting out of a 3 year relationship, we just kinda lost touch. The timing was off. I remember the first time we met. TD and I went to club Chaos to get our dance on and He was there with some of his friends. He watched TD and I dance all night long. Everytime I saw him, he was just somewhere in the cut…watching me. What got me about him was that women were actually coming up to him… and he never moved from his spot. I’d see a girl go talk to him…and a few minutes later, she’d walk away. And as soon as she did… he’d take a sip of whatever he was drinking on and gaze back at me and TD. After a while, I began dancing for him. lol I’m not sure if TD even noticed since he was pretty gone. By the end of the night TD’s crazy self was all in the mirrors looking at himself dancing, and holding up his lil arm muscles and measuring them like he was He-man or something… and mouthing the words to whatever song was playing like HE was actually shooting a video or something. I figured he was so gone… he probably didn’t notice me flirting with Mr. Chocolate Tease. When I went to the bathroom, Chocolate Tease followed. By the time I came out, he was right there waiting on me and when he opened his mouth… I couldn’t resist leaning forward and asking him to “repite por favor”. And once again, he begin speaking sweet nothings to me in spanish. His deep sultry voice made it even more inviting. He voluntarily told me what it was he said…though I picked up on a few words anyways… but those 3 minutes of convo was enough for me to know that I didn’t want to walk away from him without having his contact info. So we exchanged numbers and talked for about a month afterwards. He was a great conversationalist…and he always knew what questions to ask to get me to talking. Unfortunately for Chocolate Tease, things with me and TD progressed and he was still on that “I want to take things suuuuuuuuper slow” tip… so eventually…we just kinda lost touch.
Since that Friday that I saw him at Biah’s house though, we’ve resumed our nightly chats…and we decided to get up that next day. So Saturday he and I went out. It was nice. Refreshing even. Honestly, I don’t see it progressing into anything romantic, just because well…. I’m really feeling someone else right now. But I’ll be honest, it felt good to be desired by someone so sexy. I was the envy of everyone at the Cheesecake factory that night. lol All eyes were on him, and his eyes were on me. That made me feel really good.
Anyways…I didn’t realize I was gonna type this much about him…so I’ll continue my other escapades from the last two weeks either tomorrow or Friday. Gone.
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