Happy Anniversary!

Back to the drawing board i suppose. I was really just getting into the groove of going to bed late and waking up late. lol. I hate that I didn't take today off. It would have been a wonderful day to just sleep in. We had an all-staff meeting this morning that lasted until lunch and honestly, I would have much rather laid in my bed until noon than to be in a darkly lit conference room with about 599 other sleepy co-workers listening to all of the "big shots" talk over my head. Don't they know that I don't/won't comprehend anything other than "hello" and "goodmorning" before 10am? Geez. Oh well. It was actually cool once I got a few hot cocoa's up in me. Maybe tomorrow I'll give you a brief synopsis of what was said. I've realized that I hardly ever talk about work here. And what we do is soooo important.... i think i should start sharing it with you guys.
Anywho...
speaking of work, I celebrated my one year anniversary here not too long ago. It doesn't seem like it's been an entire year at this ole office. It's amazing how time flies. Along with my work anniversary, as of last friday I am also celebrating my one year blog anniversary!! Hooray!!! *insert flips, applause and shouts* My first entry was short:

November 26, 2003
Welcome...Welcome
Well hello world!!!! Can't write now, but I just wanted to introduce myself to the world. This is my first time writing anything about myself really. So this should be great therapy for me...and probably comical for you. I don't know. I think my life is a lot simpler nowadays. If I were to take a chunk out of my life and put it on paper two years ago. It would read like the script from All My Children or something. But hey, life is life. Right?? Well, hopefully we'll get better acquainted soon.
Perfectly Chaotic thoughts by Sway at 8:43 AM


And here's my first "official" entry called NEW BEGINNINGS . (CLICK HERE)

So congrats to me. I am really proud of myself. (if you can't tell by now..lol) Besides men, I've never stuck with anything this long before. So it truly is a wonderful occassion for me. What is funny though is how my life hasn't really dramatically changed since last year this time. It's like, it was completely different earlier this year, but today as opposed to last year this same time, you'd have no idea that any time went by. I'm still at the same job, same church, still single and still needing someone to hold me through the winter. It's crazy. My life has never been this consistent before. I'm not sure if I like that or not. At least I've let some people go in my life...and I've added a few to even things out.

Reminiscing....

I remember last year this time I had just met AM. He and I had a beautiful friendship/relationship. To this day, I don't know many people that can make me laugh as much as he did. I just enjoyed being in his presence. We didn't do much when we were together, but just talking and lounging around made me feel so good. In fact, I don't think anyone has made me feel that comfortable since. But as the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He was definintely for a season. I haven't spoken to AM since the beginning of september. He just one day stopped calling. No warning, no reason, we just stopped talking. Initially I was hurt because I felt that I lost a great friend. But I began to realize that maybe his purpose in my life had been fulfilled and now that he's gone, God will send someone else in my life that will even surpass the effect AM had on me.

I also remember last year this time that I found myself dating KS and had decided to break up with him. The funny thing about this is that within the last month we've been rekindling our friendship. It's amazing to realize how all that's happened since we were last together didn't affect the relationship we still have, which is very rare. Usually, experiences I've had since meeting a person usually change my opinion/outlook/feelings about them if a huge amount of time has passed since last speaking to them. This is not to say that he and I are going to get back together because I'm not trying to go down that particular road. Sway doesn't backtrack..and if I did... I sure would pick a better relationship to backtrack for. lol. But it is good to at least have him as a friend again.

As I reflect back over my year of blogging... I've learned so much about myself. I've realized for the first time that I am VERY chatty and longwinded. hahaha. I never really knew that. (why didn't ya'll tell me!!) I also realized that though I share alot on here... there's SOOOO much that I never shared. Which kinda bothers me because my sole purpose for starting this blog was to vent and to get out all of the things that I keep bottled inside. If I can't have an outlet here...then where? So.... *sigh* my focus for this next year is to tell all!! I've been a "surface" blogger. I only tell the good...or the day to day happenings of my life. I haven't really even hit the inner soul of me or the major "drama" that unfolds in my life. lol I tell my surface thoughts about things, people and situations but not those thoughts that I keep locked up in my head forever and ever. I guess sometimes getting deep with myself on here is scary because unlike thoughts that you can just push back and forget about....these words will last (and last and last). I can only remember so much of how i felt last year about AM, but because I WROTE it down, I can read exactly what i was feeling at that moment. And in the same respect, opening myself and my heart here will cause me to really take a good look at myself and where I am. It will cause me to face my feelings head on and I think I'm finally ready for that. The bad side about it is that you all will finally see how CRAZY i really am!! lol. So...get ready for me...unaldulterated! Unsensored! You ready? Alright! Let the bloggin begin.

Share my world...

Well tomorrow's thanksgiving and for the first time ever, I'm not really feeling it. Not to say that I'm not thankful for anything because Lord knows I am. But for some reason, I just don't feel like I usually do around this time. Now any other year, I probably would have started naming all of the things I'm thankful for and wonderful people I'm glad to have in my life. But I dunno. I think my other emotions are overshadowing my thankfulness. Like the fact that I am soooo MEGA LONELY.

I'm not in that depressed, crying in the middle of the night, sulking all day, eating ice cream and sour cream & onion potato chips in my pajamas, kinda loneliness though. I'm not sad or desperate. I'm not melancholy or hopeless. I'm quite happy with my life actually, it's just that i'm tired of being happy all by myself. I know it's better than being sad with someone else, but I dunno. I want my cake and eat it too. I want someone to be happy with me. I want to make someone happy. It's like... I'm finally here. I've finally arrive at the place I think I should be this time in my life. I'm happy with myself in every aspect. I'm good spiritually, mentally, physically, even financially. Of course there's ALWAYS room for improvement, but I'm content and very happy with myself right now. I'm happy with my job, with the people at my job, the hours, the benefits EVERYTHING. It's good. I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with my family. I'm happy with my friends. Life doesn't get much better...and yet I'm lonely. It's like... I want someone to share my perfect life with. I want to bring someone into this wonderful life situation I have now and hopefully help improve their life situation too.

It's like... i dunno. Going on a shopping spree by yourself. Sure it's fun, but isn't it so much better when you have someone else there to share it with?

I have all of this happiness to share, joy to bring, money to spend, love to give, and encouragement to speak, yet no one's willing to receive it. And I don't know why. No one ever gets close enough to me to partake in all that I am, all that I have and all that I'm willing to give. So that's what I'm feeling now. I'm feeling lonely... very lonely. And kinda frustrated because I see all of these people around me that are struggling with something in their life and I want to help, I want to pull them up, but it's like they won't reach their hand up for me to help. Sure, they'll tell me about it, but I guess they want to do for themselves. They don't want me to help. Especially if it's financial. Well the men anyways. With my female friends, it's more the emotional things they tell me about but won't allow me to help them with.

I have a few close male friends. And I've noticed that with them it's all about pride. They'd rather sit at home and sulk then let me pay for us to go to dinner and a movie.... or something. I mean, I don't get all worked up over who pays for what. I have never been that kinda person. I just enjoy spending time with people. But it's like the people in my life right now seem to be really hooked on this financial thing to the point where they push me away because they themselves aren't in the best position. But I don't care about that. I don't think both of us should be lonely because you won't allow me to pay for a few things. No I'm not gonna be anyone's sugar mamma...but dang. Please don't push me away and distance yourself from me because I enjoy going out and I wanna go out with YOU but you don't have the money to take me. The way I see it, as long as one of us got it...then both of us got it. Put the ego down for a brief second and have fun with me!! *sigh*
I dunno. That's where I am now. That's what I want now. I'm thankful for my wonderful life, but I'll be even more happy when someone lets me share ME with them. I'll be happy when I meet someone who doesn't mind me sharing all of me. I'm finally in the stage of my life where I feel I'd be a great companion and I have no takers. *shaking head* Anyway... sorry to put a damper on your wonderful thanksgiving. Really I am. I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. And please pray for me. Gone.

I need some Ritalin.....

Well today is a dreary monday and I can't believe how crunk I am. I usually dislike mondays.... ALOT. The thought of having to come to work and be greeted by piles of papers and new research assignments usually make me instantly melancoly. But today I'm pumped and I don't know why. So much has went/is going wrong today already. First of all, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I had decided to grow my perm out in like...february this year. So I got braids and began the long process to going completely natural. Well this weekend, for the first time, I decided that the process is complete and my hair is now where it needs to be in order for me to rock this "natural" do. Man, oh man. What was I THINKING!!! Me. The same person who hates to do hair, the same person who screams with agony when a comb touches her head cuz she's sooooooo tenderheaded, the SAME person who's PERMED hair draw up like some cotton candy as soon as water hits it. Yeah... I decided to do all of this hair business THIS weekend in the rain. *shaking my head* I got my hair pressed and it was all silky and pretty saturday. I looked like I had a nice Mizani or Kera Care Perm.... and I was feeling mighty fine. Proud that I was chemical free.... then I tossed my hair and stepped outside. Instantly my ish turned into a 'fro. From that night, it got worse. Today I look a HOT MESS! A HOT MESS i tell ya. It was so bad when i got up this morning that I was forced to wear a little bandana around it in hopes that the bandana would keep the poofiness down. lol. I feel like the karate kid or somebody. I got the same kinda lil bandana on. Except mine is gold and tan. Anyway... needless to say, waking up to a big puff of hair was enough to put me in a bad mood. But it didn't. Then I got here and everyone started calling me pocohontas. lol. I guess i kinda do have that pocohontas thang going on. lol. Anyway, I got here and realized that I locked my keys in the darn car! AAAAAHHH. So I'm not able to get lunch because I can't drive there. The worst part about that is telling my lunch date that I can't make it cuz I locked my keys in the car like a SPED. *sigh* Oh well.

Then on top of the poofy hair with the karate kid/pocahontas bandana, the fact that it's monday, the pile of work on my desk, and the locked car keys, my stupid computer won't work that well. In fact, I have no idea if it'll even post all this crap i'm writing. lol. My Yahoo IM isn't working...which SUCKS cuz chatting with my online friends is how i get through my day. Then BP erased all my doggone notes for the last week. So I'm bored as all getout because I have no one to blow time chatting with. lol. But nevertheless....I'm CRUNK. *singing that infectious
"lose my breath" song by Destiny's Child* I'm crunk like they just told me I have the week off with pay AND they'll give me a thanksgiving bonus. I'm crunk like I'm married to Boris Kodjoe and Morris Chestnut is my sugar daddy. I'm crunk like Bush didn't win the election.

I don't know. I'm weird. On wonderful sunny fridays, i'll be all sad, but on a dreary, messy monday, I'm tooooo crunk. lol.. dah well. I'm just glad to be alive. Just glad for life. And though it's not nearly where I'd hope it would be, it's still mine to live and have and experience. So yay! I'm off to bounce my poofy hair around and sing "joy to the world" to all my co-workers who already think I'm crazy. lol Gone.

You don't know like I know....

I wasn't gonna write anything today, but I can't pass up an opportunity to tell you how good God is. I went to the doctor about 2 hours ago and I'm just getting back. Ya'll when I say that God is Good, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I've never talked about my health to anyone but a few select friends. And even then, I'm very vague and cautious about what I say. The only thing that i pretty much talk about on a regular basis is the crazy and random back spasms I get from doing something as normal as bowling or riding a rollercoaster. Anywho... without going into much details, because I honestly feel that I am about to cry right now, I was having some pain in my ovaries a couple of weeks ago. And anyone who know anything about anything would know that ovary pain is NEVER a good sign. Especially when the pain is so great, I could hardly walk straight by the time I got to the doctor. I literally walked in hunched over and holding my lower abdomen. Anyways, when i went to the doctor last friday, they told me that I had a condition which is damaging my ovaries and fallopian tubes and that I had a 70% chance of being sterile because of it. 70% ya'll!!! That's nooooooot what I wanted to hear. Anyways, they gave me some meds to stop the swelling and told me to come back this week so they can assess the damage since they couldn't tell last week due to the enlarged ovaries. Anyway, I went back today and they told me that contrary to what they thought they'd see... my ovaries are now fine and that I should be able to have children with no problem.

I cried and thanked God all the way back to the office. I never really thought about not being able to have children before. Its amazing how much we take for granted. For the past 5 days though, I realized how important having my own child is to me. Nothing will force you to think of how much you love something like having that something become inaccesible to you. I'm so thankful. SO THANKFUL. The entire situation is a testimony in itself. I skipped alot...but just know that God truly worked a miracle in my life!

1 John 5:14-15 - Please go read it. That scripture has been in my spirit for 2 weeks now. I won't quote it cuz i don't know it verbatim...but read it....learn it.... live it.

I hate bell curves....

Well, I had my heart set on writing today. About a bizillion topics swirled around in my head all day and I tried my hardest to work my tail off so that I'd have some free time to somehow transfer those thoughts and events to the blogworld. However, it is now 5:21 and I'm "officially" off work...even though I'm still here. I must really have a jones to write today if I, a.k.a. Miss jump.up.outta.my.seat.and.sprint.to.my.car.at.one.minute.til.5.....actually stayed late PURPOSEFULLY just to write something.

Of course now that the office is quiet and the only thing I can hear is the sound of my nails (which are in dire need of a manicure...any investors??? lol) tapping on my keyboard, I can't really focus on ANY of the things I wanted to share earlier.

But I will say this ...

I shared once that I honestly think that the best part of an event is the time leading up to it. When I said it, I really wanted somehow for my theory to be proven wrong...but since then, my life has been filled with nothing BUT experiences that support this theory. It's like... in relationships... the best part about it is the beginning...when you're not sure if he's gonna call and then he does, and ya'll talk, and ya'll go out... and nothing has been made official. Ya'll just kicking it. You feeling butterflies wondering where this will lead... and wondering if he's thinking about you as much as you're thinking about him. Ya know? That time. In my experience, that's the best time ever. After ya'll kiss, or touch, or sex or whatever it is ya'll do, for some reason, things change... and the climax is never long enough. The whole relationship seems to just dwindle right down. Just as fast as you caught feelings... you all eventually stop sexing...or touching.. or kissing... or going out... or even calling. Before you know it... you guys are strangers again. That bell curve effect i guess. Like a roller coaster you know... it takes you a long time to get up there... then once you're up.... you come down so fast, you don't even know what happened. It sucks. Forget a bell curve... I need a plateau or something. Something that has a long steady high point. Something that doesn't taper off too fast. This bell curve stuff is depressing. Almost like something someone told me when I was young that messed me up for a long time. They were saying that as soon as you're born, you're on the path to death. You're dying daily....with each passing moment putting you closer and closer to the small amount of allotted time you have here on earth. That thing can mess with a doggone 7 year old. I was depressed for a whole week on that ish. You ever seen a depressed 7 year old? Huh? That ish ain't normal.

Anyway... i'm kinda starting to feel like that with relationships. As soon as you meet someone, and ya'll start on that road....you're only getting closer to the end. So for me, it's easier to slow the initial process down. I figure that if we don't date, then we can't break up! lol. Okay, okay. I know I can't live my life like that...but i'm so tired of these month or two month pseudo-relationships. I'm tired of liking someone and them telling me they like me... and we're kicking it hard...then a month or two later... we start tapering off and after about 3 months, we aren't even friends anymore though NOTHING has really happened or changed. That bothers me. I'm tired of it. I mean, I do realize ... even though it's very pessimistic in nature... that EVERY relationship i (and you) will be in for my (your) entire life will fail/dwindle/come to an end except for one (and with the divorce rates as it is, that ONE isn't even guaranteed anymore). We never look at it that way, but it's true. We will separate from every single relationship we ever have except one. And the more people you date, the more depressing and eerie that statistic seems . (ie. date 40 people in your life... only have 1 work out.... or date 39474 people, but only have one work. lol) I dunno. With stats like that, after around the 15th person i date, i'm gonna start wondering if something's wrong with me. Then after the 30th person, I'm gonna start really thinking something's wrong. It's like, dating is designed to make you feel like sh** (excuse my french). Because your self-esteem goes down with each passing person. I dunno. I worry too much. Wait.... i take that back. I'm not really worried about finding that one. I know he's out there. I'm not worried about getting married because I know I will. I guess my thing is that I'm just ready for it to happen. Anxious, i guess. I'm still young... i know. But, I'm just tired of meeting, liking, and then eventually not talking to someone. That whole dating thing is so tired now. I'm tired of that. It's an emotional roller coaster and I'm just ready to call it a day. Ya know? *sigh* Well, I have no IDEA where all this came from... it was definitely not one of those BIZILLION things in my head today. lol. Oh well... i guess it was in there somewhere since it's out now. Anywho... I'm tired... and I am SOOO tired of being in this office. Yuck. Gone.

With so much "eX" in your name, you should be Pro-Black...

Dwele “Mahogany”

Did I tell you how crazy the weather change makes me? I mean… cool weather automatically elicits thoughts of love and all things “couple”. I daydream about cuddling up with a significant other and drinking hot chocolate w/ whipped cream while watching some chick flick by the warm fireplace. (Yeah…I know…I watch WAAAY too many movies. lol ) Anywho… these last few weeks have made me realize that I’m not the only one craving to cuddle with a warm body this winter. I’ve been wanting to write about all of these ex’s that’s been coming back into my life…but it seems to me that Nick has already beat me to the punch. lol I guess ’tis the season to backtrack… dust off that old black book and began making your calls.

Though most of my ex’s and I don’t talk anymore, the fact remains that… with the exception of 2 ex’s… I’m on speaking terms with all of them. I guess this makes it even more reasonable that they would actually try me once again. Most of my ex’s and I broke up and still remained cordial and pretty good friends considering. I like it that way. I hate to burn bridges because you never know what the future holds or when you may need them for something. So I make sure I don’t do people dirty. You won’t catch me behind some tire slashing, window breaking, car door keying shananigans. Lol So in their defense, I’m guessing they got bored/lonely/whatever…and decided that since I’m always cordial, they’d try to explore old avenues.

KS

Okay… I’ve been meaning to talk about him forever. This cat seems to just pop up ever 6 months or so. Lol. Well I think the last thing I wrote about him was that he called me out of the blue one day to say he was thinking of me. This was like… mid august. Okay so that really made my day because remember back around Mother’s day when I saw him, I deemed him “the finest man alive”!! lol Anywho… a few weeks ago around 2 in the morning… he calls.

Me: *in my sleepy/groggy/why in the HECK are you calling this late voice* Hello?
KS: Hey baby
Me: *trying to look at the caller ID with my blind self to figure out why this guy is calling me baby* Hey. Err.. may I ask who’s calling?
KS: It’s me baby, K****.
Me: *excited, confused, and mad that it’s 2 in the morning* Hey! What’s up?
KS: You sleep?
Me: *thinking: Negro don’t i SOUND sleep?* Yeah.
KS: Aight I’ll let you go. I just wanted to hear your voice that’s all.
Me: uh…
KS: What, you shocked cuz I be thinking about you? Yeah girl, I think about you all the time. I just never call. I miss you.
Me: *thinking: Whatever. You must want some* Hmmm.. okay.
KS: Well, I’ll holla at you tomorrow okay?
Me: *thinking: you called me at 2 just to say hi and that you’ll call tomorrow??* Okay, bye
KS: Bye baby.

So since then, he’s been calling me. We don’t talk much, but we talk often. He’ll call to say hi or see how I’m doing. Tell me he miss me and that he really does respect how I broke up with him last year. He claims he’d love to make it up to me one day. I always dodge the hints though. Lol. I usually just change the subject. Last week he finally got bold and stopped beating around the bush. I guess since I talked to him when he called, he figured that I was still feeling him. lol So we talking.. and he just bursts out with “So Sway, you said when you broke up with me that maybe the timing was off… and I’ve been thinking, since I still feel the same way about you as I did the first day we met, I think we should try to start something up again.”

So I’m trying to figure out what to say. To be honest with you. KS and I had a great relationship while together. The problem was that after a while, we didn’t see each other…and I’ll be honest with you. I need attention. If you with me, then um… not seeing you for 2 months is UNACCEPTABLE! lol. So, I thought about it for a moment. I started reminiscing about last year this time and how he and I would go out Tongue~n~Groove on Wednesday nights and salsa dance until our feet turned red. And I began to remember how fun it was to cuddle inside his place after running in from the cold outdoors…and for a minute, I was tempted to try again. But before the words could come out, I began to remember how much I HATE backtracking. I also remembered that though the memories of us are great, my feelings for him have changed. He’s cute, but I’m not feeling him like that anymore. So much time has passed and I’m a different person than I was when I was with him. Plus, there’s someone in my life right now that honestly, I’d much rather see where that leads than to go back to something I’ve already experienced. So I told him that I’d pass on his offer. We chatted for about 3 minutes after that…and I haven’t heard from him since.


DW

I’ve known DW since band camp our 8th grade year of highschool. He and I were thick as thieves all through school and even after we went off to college. The year I graduated from college and broke up with my fiancé of 4 years… I had this sudden urge to just go BUCK.WILD!! I really did lose my doggone mind. For real. But anyway, DW came back from school that summer and we decided to hook up for ole times sake. Make a long story short, for the first time in our platonic friendship, we…err… I saw him and wanted to be more than friends. (DW had expressed his attraction to me looooong before that year, but I wasn’t feeling it. ) Well finally it hit me. So we decided to take the friendship to another level. We kicked it for about 6 months and then we decided that this “relationship” stuff was a little more than we could chew. He was working full time and going to school full time and he had a singing group that took all of his free time. I was working full time myself and volunteering at a children shelter and I was trying to get my singing career together at that time…so we just found it to be too hard to have a real relationship. Well… we both agreed that it was best to stay friends…but I think what he really meant was that he wanted to keep having sex, but without the commitment. I wasn’t feeling that. If we’re friends…then that’s all we are. I don’t do the “friends with benefits” thing. Commit… or hey find someone else to do the biznass with. Anyway… he tried me once after we decided to be friends and I shut him down. A week after that I never heard from him again. b Until this weekend that is. Almost what…2 years later. He calls outta the blue. Saturday night I’m chillin and my phone rings.
He says hey and I’m like…”hey”. I knew his voice instantly. We’d been friends for 11 years. He asks how I’ve been and tried to make small talk to figure out if I was mad at him or not. Lol As usual, I remained very calm and polite. So he figured it would be a good time to tell me that so much has happened to him in the last 2 years and that he wanted to come by and talk to me face to face. I agreed. I wasn’t doing anything but reading, so I figured, why not. About 20 min. later, he’s at my door. I let him in…we exchange hugs as if the 2 years of us not speaking never went by. He began to tell me everything that’s happened to him and blah blah blah. After he finished, I couldn’t help but wonder why after all this time he wanted to get back in touch with me. But even more.. I wanted to know why he stopped calling. I hate not knowing things. I could understand if we had a fight… or if he got another girlfriend or something, but one day we were laughing on the phone and the next, I never hear from him again. That's just crazy. I thought it was the fact that I wasn’t giving it up to him anymore, but I knew in my heart that wasn’t it. That’s not him. So I asked. He gave me some long winded answer about his feelings and how confused he was and etc. I’m still trying to figure out how he ended up with the last words of his speech being. “So Swayla, I’m too old for games, I’m ready to settle down…and you’re the only one I can think of that would make me happy forever. So you wanna give US another shot?”
*sigh* What is it about me that make men not talk to my behind for months or years at a time, then come back and pretty much claim me as their wife? (Example One: Click here)

Now, DW wasn’t asking to marry me…but still, how you gonna completely remove yourself from my life, then come back and expect me to have just been waiting on you all this time? Do they not realize that though I’m not the prettiest, or finest, or smartest ….I CAN brawl with the best of them? I got enough going on to attract a few men. So I don't wait on or for anyone! I dunno. Ex’s are a trip.

There were 3 more ex’s that called me within the last month, but my fingers hurt and I’m tired of typing. It’s just funny how everyone calls at the same time, wanting the same thing. It’s also funny how I don’t want any of them. I don’t like backtracking. It’s messy to me. I like to look forward. Start fresh. Do something new. Oh…maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you a little about this young man that I’m hoping will keep me warm this winter. :) Until then… Gone.

Thought for today.....

Richard Cory
by Edward Arlington Robinson

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.


There's no true way to ever know the intents of any one else's heart nor the thoughts in any one else's mind. Just remember that what's happening on the outside may not always be what's happening on the inside. Everytime I come in contact with someone, I keep this simple principle in the back of my mind. I read this poem in 10th grade and I never forgot it. Partly because I realized as the years went by how much Richard and I had in common. I was all smiles on the outside, but inside I was so empty... and the void filled my entire being. I had wished that someone would just look deep enough to see the tears through that big smile plastered on my face... but no one ever did. I guess that's why I am so adament now about really getting to know people beyond the surface. Of course I won't know EVERYTHING, but I've become much more aware that people are not always as fine as they so quickly claim to be. So this weekend, go out of your way to be extra special to someone, even if you don't think they need it or even if they seem to have it all. Never know. Sometimes a simple smile, or hello, or hug can change lives....or even save lives. Have a Blessed weekend everyone!! Gone.

T. ogether E. veryone A. cheives M. iracles

Cocaine IS a helluva drug.

Well... today's the day. Those of us who went to early voting and figured that the 3-6 hour wait to EARLY VOTE was ridiculous and that we might as well have waited until the day of...well...the time is here. I couldn't believe the lines this morning at the schools I pass on the way to work. I don't think I've EVER seen this many people voting. I guess that's one good thing Bush did: he got the people to exercise their voting rights. (lol)

Anywho.....I figured I'd just pitter pat on the computer for a minute since the ole office is pretty empty right now. I guess everyone is stuck in the lines at the polls. Which is good for me because it gives me a chance to talk about some very important issues in my life. Like um...

Did I tell you that I'm in love? Yup, ya girl is HEAD OVER HEELS in love. I'm in love with the grape flavored Juicy Juice. OH.MY.GOODNESS. that juice is SOOOOOOO friggin good. I'm talking about I love it so much I wanna marry it and have its children. (okay, maybe not) But Grape Juicy Juice is the BEST thing since sliced bread. Like for real. I think I've gone through 3 big bottles of it just this week. lol. It's crazy.

Oh yeah, speaking of crazy, this feels like a good time to tell you about my neighbor. Man, where do i begin with him. *sigh* Aight.

I got this neighbor who, if you ask my dad, has ALWAYS been one egg short of a dozen. However, in the last year or so, this brotha has completely lost his mind. I mean, I don't think he's crazy like he's gonna become a serial killer or anything...but he's crazy enough for my parents and our other neighbors to all get together in my back yard and just watch him with awed eyes for an hour. lol.
It all started when my neighbor got caught in a tornado. I have no idea where he was...but last year he was actually in the EYE of a tornado. He explained, "yeah man, (talking to my daddy) I saw all these here trees being uprooted and roofs being torn off of houses and my ole truck was picked up and tossed way yonder, but err-uh, Gawd spared me. And I know that he spared me fo a reason"
So of course being the kind of people we are, my family was very happy to hear that Mr. Neighbor got saved and that he dedicated his life to God. Aight... so at first it just seemed like he was really "zealous" for God. You know the type. The newcomers that go out of their way to let you know that they are saved? He started walking up and down the street preaching err... no... SHOUTING the word of God. At first it was maybe once a week. Then it progressed to every day. Then it progressed to everyday all day. He'd start before the sun came up and he'd put on this LONG black coat (like Neo from the matrix) and this black felt tip hat and he had a cane and he'd walk up and down our street ALL day, from like, 4am. to around midnight...shouting. I guess his route got too short for him because after a while, he started going up to this little country church down the street from our neighborhood. He'd go there around 6am-ish and he'd pray really loud in front of this church. And he'd kiss the ground and jump up and down and do all kind of things. Okay...so we was like...aight..if the man wanna praise God at 6 in the morning in front of this old, all white church then hey...let him. But the old white people was scared of him. So they called the cops on him. The cops warned him about being on their private property...but everyday he'd return. So they finally locked him up for like a day. Anywho...that was just the beginning. Not crazy right?

So about a few weeks later, he figures he'd just stay in the neighborhood. So again, he's praying outside.. loud. Real loud. Surprisingly no one complained...even though I know it was keeping everyone up, cuz it was keepin me up. lol. Then one night around 11pm. I hear this noise. I'm like WTH? It sounded like someone was ringing some church bells. So I'm laying in my bed like...there IS no church close enough to me for me to hear banging this loud and clear. And besides, it's 11 PM. So after about 10 straight minutes of this, I'm like dang...this is annoying, so i turn my fan on high, put some cotton balls in my ear and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and all was pretty quiet on the western front. So I asked my parents about it and they said they didn't hear anything. So the next evening when I came home, my mom was like, "ya'll neighbor is crazy". lol. So I laughed because my dad has been saying that for years. But this time, well....my mom was serious. So I asked her why she said that. She was like... "I don't know WHAT that man doing back there in the back yard, but he's been beating on something ALL DAY LONG. It sounds like he's hitting metal or something. I don't know what he doing, but i was to scared to go back there to find out."

Not long after she said this, here he go again. Beating and beating and beating. We sat in the kitchen for a good 30 minutes listening to him bang on what seemed like metal. Finally I got tired of listening and turned on the television. So this goes on for about a month. Everyday, he bangs on this thing in the backyard. Sometimes in the 3 in the morning... sometimes at 3 in the afternoon. Well we finally got tired of it and decided to confront him about it because NONE of us was getting any sleep. And the noise was so friggin annoying. So my dad goes over to the neighbr's backyard where he was still beating on something... and he stayed for about an hour, then came back. So of course me and my mom are all eager to see what he said. This is my dad's account of what happened.

Dad: Hey *insert name* What's goin on man?
Neighbor: Hey Chuck. How you doin man.
Dad: Well not to good *insert name* I came over to see what all this noise is.
Neighbor: I know man, I know. I'm sorry man. But I gotta do this. Man, people are out to get me.
Dad: *looking confused* People?
Neighbor: Yeah. Every since that house burnt down over yonder, people have been tapping my phones, shooting at my house, and you seen them unmarked cars coming down our street man, man I know they just coming 'round here watching me.
Dad: *trying not to laugh*
Neighbor: I beat on this pole as a warning. I want to let everybody know that they shooting at me. They trying to kill me. I need some help man. I don't know who to trust....I
Dad: Hey, Hey, so why don't you just call the police? If "they" are shooting at you...then why don't you just call the police.
Neighbor: Man, the police are in on it too. And Rick. I think Rick is heading all this up. You know he used to work for the CIA.

(sidenote: Rick is our 80 year old other neighbor...who's a retired policeman and can hardly talk let alone head up a conspiracy against crazy man here)

Dad: Well man, I don't know what to tell you, but you gotta stop all this banging. You keeping me and my family up with all that.
Neighbor: yeah, my wife says the same thing. *sigh* But she don't understand. They ain't tryin to kill HER! *haaaaaaa. classic.* They shoot at ME everyday!
Dad: Well man, where's the bullet holes man.
Neighbor: *pointing at absolutely NOTHING but the wood on his house* Right here and right here. Don't you see how they've almost shot a hole straight through the back of my house? They shoot at me everyday man. I gotta let people know. I gotta beat on this pole. My life depends on it.
Dad: Man, i'own see NOTHIN! *getting a little freaked out by our neighbor*
Neighbor: You don't see that?
Dad: No.
Neighbor: *pausing..contemplating* Um... come in my house for a minute. I wanna show you something.
Dad: *pausing...contemplating on going in this crazy man's house* Uh for what?
Neighbor: *walking towards the front of the house* I want to show you something amazing.
Dad: *reluctantly following* Alright.

Neighbor: *pointing at brick fireplace in their house* So, do you see that?
Dad: What? The fireplace?
Neighbor: Naw man, right there. You don't see that face staring back at us? Those eyes follow me all day long.
Dad: *thinking WTH?* Naw man. I don't see it.
Neighbor: What about the Cross right there? Or the angel right over there? You see that right?
Dad: Naw.
Neighbor: Hmph. My wife doesn't either. I don't know why.
Dad: *trying hard not to laugh and call him crazy in his face* Me neither man, but i'mma get on back to da house. I just stopped by to ask you not to beat that pole anymore. You gotta find another way to work that out.


So that's that. And actually since that day, I only heard him beat the pole once. So that's progress right? Well in that aspect. But NOW this man is outside in the front yard. Screaming at the top of his lungs. Why you ask? Welp. He says that the AIRPLANES are out to get him now. *sigh*

*sidenote*
So, with the exception of my college years and the 2 years after college, I've lived in the same house with my folks for most of my childhood years. Our neighbors moved in about three years after us... so they've been there for more than 10 years as well. Now one of the FIRST things I've noticed about our neighborhood is that airplanes are ALWAYS flying around our house. This isn't some new phenomenon. I remember counting airplanes for fun as a youngin (yes, that's just ONE of the signs of a lonely only child). They just fly over our house. No biggie. But ALL of a sudden.... they are OUT TO GET HIM!!

So now, everyday, he's out side walking around his house with his hands up crying and looking up to the sky sreaming "WHY! WHY GOD! WHY! WHY ARE THEY FLYING SO LOW!" lol.

It's sad really. We've also caught him outside saying other phrases like... "WHAT! WHAT GOD! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS IT!" lol. I think he said this one first after throwing those big orange cones..you know, the ones that are used when they are working on the street...yeah those... well he was throwing them at the Bellsouth truck that came to work on the phone lines around our house. According to my mom. Our neighbor came out and started screaming in the front yard. The Bell South man got freaked and started packing up. So the neighbor threw the cones at the back of the truck as it was leaving. Then continued to ask God "What does he want". Why ...you ask? *shrug* Beats me. The man has lost it. Those kinda questions should be asked in the privacy of your own home... or if you just GOTTA be outside, then at least use your "indoor" voice for the neighbor's sake. lol

Whew... i know it was long...but i had to get it off my chest. I feel bad for his wife and children. They know he crazy. lol. Oh well. I guess crazy people need love to. Anywho... i gotta do some work now... so i'll writel later. Gone.


"Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
~Abraham Lincoln