Well tomorrow's thanksgiving and for the first time ever, I'm not really feeling it. Not to say that I'm not thankful for anything because Lord knows I am. But for some reason, I just don't feel like I usually do around this time. Now any other year, I probably would have started naming all of the things I'm thankful for and wonderful people I'm glad to have in my life. But I dunno. I think my other emotions are overshadowing my thankfulness. Like the fact that I am soooo MEGA LONELY.
I'm not in that depressed, crying in the middle of the night, sulking all day, eating ice cream and sour cream & onion potato chips in my pajamas, kinda loneliness though. I'm not sad or desperate. I'm not melancholy or hopeless. I'm quite happy with my life actually, it's just that i'm tired of being happy all by myself. I know it's better than being sad with someone else, but I dunno. I want my cake and eat it too. I want someone to be happy with me. I want to make someone happy. It's like... I'm finally here. I've finally arrive at the place I think I should be this time in my life. I'm happy with myself in every aspect. I'm good spiritually, mentally, physically, even financially. Of course there's ALWAYS room for improvement, but I'm content and very happy with myself right now. I'm happy with my job, with the people at my job, the hours, the benefits EVERYTHING. It's good. I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with my family. I'm happy with my friends. Life doesn't get much better...and yet I'm lonely. It's like... I want someone to share my perfect life with. I want to bring someone into this wonderful life situation I have now and hopefully help improve their life situation too.
It's like... i dunno. Going on a shopping spree by yourself. Sure it's fun, but isn't it so much better when you have someone else there to share it with?
I have all of this happiness to share, joy to bring, money to spend, love to give, and encouragement to speak, yet no one's willing to receive it. And I don't know why. No one ever gets close enough to me to partake in all that I am, all that I have and all that I'm willing to give. So that's what I'm feeling now. I'm feeling lonely... very lonely. And kinda frustrated because I see all of these people around me that are struggling with something in their life and I want to help, I want to pull them up, but it's like they won't reach their hand up for me to help. Sure, they'll tell me about it, but I guess they want to do for themselves. They don't want me to help. Especially if it's financial. Well the men anyways. With my female friends, it's more the emotional things they tell me about but won't allow me to help them with.
I have a few close male friends. And I've noticed that with them it's all about pride. They'd rather sit at home and sulk then let me pay for us to go to dinner and a movie.... or something. I mean, I don't get all worked up over who pays for what. I have never been that kinda person. I just enjoy spending time with people. But it's like the people in my life right now seem to be really hooked on this financial thing to the point where they push me away because they themselves aren't in the best position. But I don't care about that. I don't think both of us should be lonely because you won't allow me to pay for a few things. No I'm not gonna be anyone's sugar mamma...but dang. Please don't push me away and distance yourself from me because I enjoy going out and I wanna go out with YOU but you don't have the money to take me. The way I see it, as long as one of us got it...then both of us got it. Put the ego down for a brief second and have fun with me!! *sigh*
I dunno. That's where I am now. That's what I want now. I'm thankful for my wonderful life, but I'll be even more happy when someone lets me share ME with them. I'll be happy when I meet someone who doesn't mind me sharing all of me. I'm finally in the stage of my life where I feel I'd be a great companion and I have no takers. *shaking head* Anyway... sorry to put a damper on your wonderful thanksgiving. Really I am. I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. And please pray for me. Gone.
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