In memory II...

While wednesday marked the homegoing of my grandfather... today marks the homegoing of my grandmother. A day apart. Sad, but true. My mother's father, then my father's mother. Both sides grieving. Leaving me in the middle. Trying to be strong for both greiving parents, since they were not really able to comfort each other. As I said in the previous post. I was going through a lot at that time. To have lost my grandfather only a day before...hearing this news put me into more shock. The night of the day my grandfather's died, my dad called his mothers house to tell her about the devestating news. No one answered, so he left a message. 10 min. later, my aunt called to tell him that "Gramma" was in the ER due to chest pains. So that night, while grieving for my grandfather, my mother and I accompanied my dad to the ER to see my "Gramma". His entire family, plus her pastor, was already there. We all embraced each other and everyone looked like they were on the verge of tears. My dad went in to see her after our 2hrs and 30 min. of waiting. He told us that she was in good spirits and that she was talking "faith". She knew that God was going to bless her. He prayed for her and they talked. I am so glad that he got a chance to see her and speak to her before her death. Unfortunately my mother didn't get that same opportunity with her dad. Things were looking up for my "Gramma". They said she had double pnemonia in her lungs, but she was better by the time we left. During the night, she had some complications and that morning, my grandmother passed.
It felt so unreal. 2 loved ones gone in 2 days. I felt numb. My psyche wouldn't let me show my true feelings at that time. I was too afraid that if I broke down, everyone else around me would too...and I couldn't handle that. At their wakes, I just stared at them in the casket. I stood by them for hours...both of them. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It was like, I couldn't believe that they were gone. I couldn't accept that this was really it. The last time I'd see them on this side. It hit me hard but I couldn't let it out. I don't think I really let it out for them until the summer and I'm still greiving even now. I miss them so much. They were both so wonderful. My gramma used to always tell me how proud of me she was. She knew how to make you feel special. And she always picked the BEST cards for christmas, birthdays, and other special occasions. She's truly missed. I love you gramma. Muah.

In memory...

Today marks the 1 year homegoing of my grandfather. It's amazing how an entire year has went by and the grief I feel is still as strong as it was the day I found out. Actually, it's stronger now. Last year this time... I was going through a lot. Mainly, I was dealing with a stalker, who I eventually got enough strength to put in jail. But I was going through some other things as well, then to get word right after valentine's day that my grandad was in the hospital just devastated me. He was a diabetic, so it wasn't really surprising that he was in the hospital...it was more devastating b/c I found out he was in a coma in ICU. He stayed that way for a week or so... then they said he was getting better. He was trying to breath on his own and everything was looking good. To this day, the couldn't figure out what was "wrong" with him. They said everything checked out fine...they were just waiting for him to wake up. I remember going straight from work to the hospital. My mother and I would sing to him hoping that somehow he could hear us. It was a sad time...
Tuesday, Feb 25th 2003 my grandad died. When I got off of work, my dad picked me up and told me the bad news. I remember it like it was yesterday. I felt nothing. It was like he said, what do you want to eat? I was in some MAJOR denial...and i was so dumbfounded. It wasn't until the funeral that next tuesday that it really really hit me. "Grandad was gone"...
A good man. The funeral was beautiful. It was packed... i mean, ppl had to stand outside the church it was so packed. He was a Bishop, so of course his entire congregation was there.... It really did my heart good to see how many ppl loved my grandad. He was always helping others and he never met a stranger in his entire life. I love you grandad. muah.

just another manic moday....

Well the weekend has come and gone and it's back to the drawing board for me. Things have kind of slowed down a little so i am glad about the small breather. I am still swamped with work, but at least I am no longer drowning! I had a pretty good weekend. Didn't do anything special...but nevertheless it was good. I dumped all my responsibilities and just played! Friday, I went to AM's house, where he cooked me a wonderful dinner. Ahhh. Gotta love a man that knows his way around the kitchen! He made baked salmon, broccoli, and rice. It was soooo delicious. mmmmm. I could go for some more right now! While we were eating, he was joking with me about being nasty b/c i didn't wash my hands before dinner (though i did...when he went to get his pics from the car...i'll tell you about that later) and so i licked my fingers for a really 'nasty' effect and said, yeah 'you're right! I am pretty nasty!!" Then laughed. He looked into my eyes and got all serious and said, "your definitely pretty all right, but you're definitely not nasty." And i turned all red and i said "thanks". He always catches me off guard with these things... he can be so sweet at times. Anyway... after dinner, we were both in 'stuffed' mode... so we sat and watched tv for a while. Then he asked if i wanted some ice cream. Of course i was like, "yeah"!! So we go to the store and share a tub of cookies and cream ice cream. ahh... what a wonderful relaxing night.
My mother and i went shopping saturday. i miss that. We dont hang out as much anymore since 'i'm so busy' *direct quote from mom* I was supposed to go to dinner that night with my friend SS, whom i still haven't told you about ,( well it's obvious that he's not #1 on my list huh?) But I decided against it. So once i finished shopping i came home and watched tv until i fell asleep.
Sunday...the usual...church, eat, home. Except for one little thing! MY COUSIN'S PREGNANT! Okay, this is Crazy news! and i am in denial right now about it....so i'll save that convo for another day. Well....lunch is over... so i must go.

*dubie dubie*

Doin my own thang..

I decided to TAKE a well deserved break from my newfound madness here at work. This position puts a whole new spin on CHAOS! I decided to simplify my life by simply..stopping... taking deep breaths, and saying "screw it". So...in honor of my rebellion against work.... here are some random things about me that I feel like sharing...

Biggest Pet Peeve:: My number one pet peeve is when ppl keep their blinkers on for a long time. UUUGGGGHHH that drives me crazy. If you've turned, then turn that ish off!!!

zodiac sign:: leo

Favorite gift to receive:: Money, jewelry, then candles...

Biggest fear:: Suffocating to death. I can't imagine not breathing. The thought of it scares me. Even when I go to funerals, the thing that creeps me out the most is the fact that they AREN'T BREATHING! That is totally unreal to me. How do you NOT breath. Ahhh... it's scary!!

chinese astrology sign:: Monkey

Favorite subject in high school:: Math
in college:: Psychology

Biggest surprise:: Finding out my fiance whom I dated for 4 years was sleeping with another woman for 2- of the 4 years we were together!!

ah... no wait, i think that him Marrying her a year after our break up, but still trying to get back with me and actually hoping that we all could do a menage a trois was the BIGGEST and MOST surprising ish I've ever had happen to me!! Yup...that's No. 1 in my book.

height:: 5'2 ...(5'4-5'5 with heels ..lol)

favorite color:: in general purple and gold

If you can learn from a mistake, is it really a mistake???

People are so quick to call things mistakes. Anytime something goes wrong in someones life, it automatically becomes a "mistake". It was a mistake for so and so to date a married man, it was a mistake for so and so to sleep with 5 or 6 girls, it was a mistake for her to get pregnant, it was a mistake for him to quit his job. NO, NO, NO... people these arent mistakes... these are what we call BAD DECISIONS. Bad decisions and mistakes are not synonomous! We must learn that mistakes are things that we accidentally do. It is completely unconscious and most of the time beyond our control.... at least that's what I thought....
Then I looked up "mistake" and the actual definition was "An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness"
With this definition, bad decisions seem to definitely be a good way to describe mistakes...
But what if you learned from this "mistake"... and your gained knowledge from your "deficient knowledge"? I mean is that really possible? Can you learn from your ignorance?

Work is great. Life is great. I am great. But I am not really feeling all that happy. Work is steadily increasing and where I was once "busy", I am now "on the verge of having a nervous breakdown!!" I think it is getting worse. Once it's all over, I'll tell you what's been up. Alright... wish me luck. On second thought. Pray for me. :)

Back to life...back to reality...

Well, my long weekend is over and i am not excited at all! I went to the doctor early yesterday morning, so it doesn't feel like i had the day off. Valentines day was not that great for me. It brought up a lot of old memories...some I wasn't ready to face...
But I got through it and it is all good now. AM said that he's really sorry for screwing up my valentines day and he's gonna make it up to me friday. We'll see what he's working with. Anyway, other than that my weekend was aight...

I'm not really in a talkative mood today... so...i guess i will hit you up tomorrow.

*dubie, dubie*

Remember this....

Okay I was on my way back to work from getting a fish sandwich from burger king today and I was trying to find a station with no commercials on. I mean, B.K. is only 5 min. from the job and I didn't want to spend that time listening to commercials. Anyway, 107.9 was playing Blackberry Molasses... do you remember that? huh? you don't? oh. Okay, well MISTA sung that and that other song...um, um... *singing" "Laaadddy, would you mind if I politely kiss you're haaaaannnd, I've been watching you all night and I can't staaannd, to see you all alone like this, giving you an opportunity I can't resist." Now you remember 'em?
Man, it took me down memory lane... I wonder what ever happened to Mista. How do groups come out, make a couple of hot songs, then disappear forever. Like H-town (knockin tha boots)? They had the # one song for like 13 weeks in what... 93? Man, one of them just died right? (RIP) Or what about Perfect Gentleman? Or Shai? Where they at?

I remember when I was in the seventh grade, Darryl called me on the phone one night (whew that was a crazy thing back then since I wasnt allowed to talk to boys-lol) He asked me if I wanted to be in his little singing group. I had known Darryl since first grade and had never heard him sing...so I thought that he was being funny. I said thanks, but no thanks. He asked if I was sure, then offered to sing for me. My stupid behind laughed and said, no Darryl, really, I am good.
A couple of years later, I hear Darryl on the radio singing with his group... "Black Berry Molasses..." I could have fell through the floor right then. I was like, dang, that could have been me?

Moral of the story: Just because a guy has bucked teeth doesnt mean he can't sing. lol
Okay, maybe that wasn't the moral...but hey. I didn't learn much seeing how they are non existent now! ;)

Too Much Pressure!!

Why is it that everyone expects me to be their everything at all times?? I mean, I am only one person. Contrary to popular belief, I am not Superwoman!!! I need some me time, I need a shoulder to lean on too! I mean, sometimes I just want to scream and drive my car into a wall 50 times!! How do you live up to everyone's expectations? Why do they even have expectations for me...it's TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

At work, I do three different jobs, but only get paid for one...people...hire another doggone person!!! I'm tired of everyone coming to me for help with their project. I feel like I am just too nice sometime. I have my own project....and when it's all said and done, no one is gonna step up and come to my rescue if our president asks why MY project isn't finished!!

I volunteer at a female adolescent shelter and all the girls count on me to be their counselor/big sister/confidant.... I love it but it's 10 of them and I can't handle them all by myself. I can't talk on the phone until the wee hours of the morning with them all and take them shopping on saturdays and etc. If I was rich and had all the free time in the world then...yeah, sure, why not!! But I don't. I just can't!! It's too much!

Then I am on the board committee for my Church young adult ministry, GOI and I have to do all the work there... everyone else gets plush jobs where they "delegate" to other members...while I can't seem to find anyone to help me with the communications/website/secretary work.

Then, they just recruited me (without even really asking) to help with our upcoming church project (Club L.I.G.H.T.) by doing graphics. Okay..... Do I LOOK like an IT person??? WTH?? But they tell me last night that Elder HG wants me to make/design/print flyers by this sunday! Like I dont have a job..or a life...or other things going on!!!

THEN to top it off...my cousin comes to me with her man problem, my parents treat me as if I am the 3rd person in their relationship, my friends all come to me as a shoulder to cry on, my associates always want me to help them with their demo, my guy friends are always asking me for advice and help....and I can't be there for everyone!! I just can't. I mean, what about me? Wheres the shoulder go when it wants to cry? Where does the tree finds shade?
I mean I am grateful that they look up to me and value my opinion, but it is getting a little out of hand!! I need a break!!

Today is...

ummm. too hectic. But at least i got a chance to spend my lunch break talking to my friends AW and DG. I love those girls. They are two of the 3 girls I go to church with and I must say, they are my best friends!! They are the reason I'm even doing "THE RULES". They both have dates for valentine's day. Me...well I don't know yet. SS already called and asked what I was doing for valentines day. So at least I have him as a backup plan. I mean, I don't mean to make it sound like that... What I am really hoping is that AM takes me out. But he hasn't said anything yet. Okay, when I was there Saturday he said, " ummm, valentine's day is coming up" and I said, "oh, oh yeah" and that was the end of the convo. A couple of weeks ago he asked me what I wanted for valentine's day and I told him to surprise me. Could that be what he's doing? I don't know. I'd be kinda dissapointed if we don't do anything together, but at the same time, I didn't make a big deal about it, so what if he doesn't do anything for it? Hmmmmm. Well, we shall see...

Anyway, my girls and I talked for my entire lunch break, so now I'm hungry. But I am swamped with work. So I will holla later..

*Dubie Dubie*

If your girl only knew....

Okay Men!! What's up with trying to get with a female that KNOWS you have a girlfriend? I mean, what's that about? I am really starting to not like PL as even a friend now! I mean, sure...I was flattered that he was feeling me. I mean, finally after all this time, he claims he's ready to leave ms. lady. But they live together....no kids...and he says they are not having any problems....but he wants to get with me first, then break up with her... Okay, do I LOOK stupid? What does he take me for? He's not going to leave her. He just want some of my GOOD GOOD and I'm not giving it up!! UUUgggghh! Men!


Anyway...moving on to weekend fun. I had a fun filled weekend! I went to see Alvin Ailey at the Fox on friday with some friends. I had a wonderful time!! It was great! It was so ispiring to see how graceful as well as strong these dancers were! They were so awesome, I almost went home and tried to do some of those moves myself! One of my favorite parts was the "Better get ready" movement... man, you can feel their energy while sitting in the seat! I loved it!
Saturday I went to step rehearsal, dance rehearsal, and choir rehearsal...so by the time I finished that, my hands were red, voice hoarse, and body sore!! I was completely finished by 2pm b/c my first practice started super early!!! AM called me and asked me to come over and I really should have said no since THE RULES forbid you to go on a date if you weren't asked by wednesday night of that following weekend! But I couldn't resist. I wanted to see him. I wanted to lay down and do nothing! I was sore and hungry and in need of some loving... so I said okay. I came over and got my usual sweet greeting. I really enjoy his company. He had ate before I came and I knew that, so I stopped at chick-fil-a before getting to his house. He was watching some stupid TV show in the living room when I got there, so I sat beside him on the couch and watched a little of it while playing with Taz. Anyway, he kept getting closer and closer to me...I can tell he's starting to like me even more now. He and I stayed hugged up on the couch for a while and then he asked if I wanted something sweet to eat. Of course I was down for the cause so we went to Krogers and got some cookies-n-cream ice cream. On the way out, we went through blockbuster and got a movie.... "the underworld" which I had never seen. It was a really good movie, we ended up taking the futon mattress out of the other room and laying on it while watching the movie. He curled up on me like a baby and straight fell asleep. I thought that this was interesting b/c the one thing I know about AM is that he's a light sleeper and he doesn't go to sleep unless he's completely comfortable and I'm moving around all that. He told me that he felt very comfortable around me and he wanted to make me feel at home. I thought that was so sweet. We layed around almost all day. I finally convinced myself that I have to at least do one of the rules, so Itold him that I was going to go. He didn't want me to and he made that very clear. I lingered on for a few more minutes, then I left. I really like him. It's scary though. I like him alot but I don't know if i am ready to go to the next level with him. I mean, a relationship with AM would be great, but I don't know if I am ready to except that once we make that step, I would be his exclusively...meaning if someone else came along, I couldn't leave AM without feeling bad. That scares me.... hmmm. But then again, I really like AM and it would feel just as bad, if not more, if we didn't take it to the next level now. hmmmm...what to do, what to do?

Completely random...but...

Okay, I am super late with videos. I don't know why, but I can never bring myself to watch music videos unless someone calls me and say hey, turn it on BET and look at this! I mean, I love videos, but I don't know...i feel stupid spending hours on end watching girls shake their but all in my face and rappers show off all the stuff they rented. But nevertheless, I was SUPER bored when I got home yesterday and decided to look at 106th and park. I saw Chingy's video.. One call away... with Jason Weaver and Keisha..."rudy"...whatever. I love that song, so I like...actually paid attention to the video...

But I just wanted to say.... dang, ole Jason is looking good these days. I've been a Jason Weaver fan for a hot second now!! After the video went off, Free was like, ya'll remember Jason right? From drumline? Then the crowd was like...oh yeah! I was like what? Man, I know Jason from the old days...they actin like he's brand new!!
Anyone else remember when he was on Smart Guy? lol Oh gosh. Ole Jason done came up!! And even further back....hmmm let's see... how about 1992 when Jason played the young Michael Jackson in the Jackson 5 movie??? Ya'll gotta remember that. Anyway... ahhh good times, good times.
Just wanted to reflect on my boy for a second. He's doing his thang now though...
aight...i'm gonna try to make this my last entry for the day. It's friday and i don't wanna do any work...as you can tell from my excessive entries. ha. anyway...i'm out.

*dubie dubie*

"The proof of desire is in the pursuit"

Hmmm. How true... how true. When I think about all the things I really love, I realize that I'd do almost anything to get it and keep it. If you want something bad enough you'll go after it. So I guess that is why the rules i was talking about earlier work so well!! You can weed out the guys that are only interested in you for sex easily b/c their pursuit will only last for so long once you execute all of the rules. Okay I know I haven't told you all of the rules as of yet...so there will be more to come on that. But guys that really do like you, will pursue you until they get you...IF you give them just enough to know that yes you're interested, but no you're not going to give your love to just any unworthy guy. At first, I HATED the rules!! But now that I've let it soak in and settle, I have a better understanding of them and why they work.
I heard on the Frank Ski Morning show one day a married man talking about relationships and what women do wrong and why we can't find a good man. He says that we don't challenge them enough. He said that men love challenges and that if a guy has to work hard to get you, then he'll appreciate you more. What really got me is this analogy he gave...
" In nature, the female eagles will NOT mate with a male eagle until he goes through a series of tests. The last test she gives is one where she makes him get a twig and she puts it in her mouth and flies high in the air while he's flying way below her. She drops the twig and he has to catch it. If he misses the twig ONCE...she will not mate with him. She goes through this ritual over and over again and if he catches it each and every time, then and ONLY then, will she mate with him. Why? Because to her, it's the difference between life and death. See, the mother and father have to work together to teach their young how to fly and once the baby eagle is born, the mother drops the baby eagle from the air to teach him how to fly. And when the eagle doesn't fly...the father eagle has to pick the baby up and give it back to his mother. So the 'drill' she put him through was functional and neccessary so that she could find the best possible mate for her and her offspring!"

Now if we as women had that same concept about finding a mate as a potential good husband, helpmate, and father for our children, don't you think we would be so much better off??

I found this interesting...

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn`t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

NOT ALL FWD'S ARE WORTHLESS...

I saw this and wanted to share it with everyone. I thought it was GOOD!! It makes you think!


Author Unknown:

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!" One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off. And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad of me to do this." "No" his friend replied, "This is good!" "What do you mean, "This is good?" How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you when you were captured." Situations may not always seem pleasant while we are in them, but the promise of God is clear. If we love Him and live our lives according to His precepts, even that which seems to be bleak and hopeless will be turned by God for His glory and our benefit.

AAAAHHHHHH

Okay, why did I write like....an entire page worth of stuff and click the publish button and they say "error".... "nothing on your page was published...go to some stinking website and ask why?"

I could throw this laptop down on the floor and step on it with my stillettos!!! Okay, maybe it's not that serious. Aggitation is just a side effect of hunger. I am so FREAKIN HUNGRY!! But I'm even more lazy, b/c I didn't go anywhere on my lunch break. I just sat here...staring at the computer...wishing it was some Olive Garden. Hmmm. That sounds good. Maybe I"ll treat myself to some when I get off work. Anyways, my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off....so I'll just try to remember all the stuff I wrote...and re-write it another time.... okay....off to work I go.

*dubie dubie*

Weird

I feel weird today. I kinda wanna cry, but I don't know why. Have you ever felt that way? I mean, nothing's wrong really. I am just kinda down today. I didn't talk to AM yesterday, which was actually cool because I was busy anyways, but I wonder if that's what triggered my weird mood?
I always do a lot of thinking on my way to work in the mornings. So this morning, I thought about the fact that AM didn't call. That in itself didn't bother me. I don't really expect him to call every single day or anything!! But it started me to thinking about him ...and me...and what's really going on between us. I guess I got kind of nervous because I'm really starting to like him...and honestly, I've been burned so many times by guys, I am scared of caring for anyone. I know a lot about AM. I let him talk me to sleep on the phone about his past and his relationships. Reason being, I wanna get an understanding of the type of person he is and what he's like in relationships. One night, he scared me. He said that he's really sometime-y. He said that he changes all the time and he gets bored easily. That really stayed with me. I've had a boyfriend like that before and though we stayed together for four years, he cheated on me half that time and I was devastated because I just KNEW he was the one! I can't do that anymore. A sense of security is at the top of my list as far as relationships go. I think that kinda shook me up this morning when I began to think of how easily I could start loving him one of these days, and he could just become uninterested and be done with me. I don't know, maybe I'm obsessing because I'm feeling guilty about what happened with PL saturday. I mean, AM has given me no reason to think he'd do that to me...and besides, we haven't even started a relationship yet and I'm already worrying about it ending. But, I wonder if that's the source of my weird mood? Hmmm..
Or maybe.... it's because I was craving pizza last night, so I spent $13 on a meat lover's but it took 3 hours for them to deliver it and I was STARVING...but it was 10pm when they got there and I couldn't eat much b/c it was so late..... I was pissed b/c I was starving, plus I couldn't satisfy my craving for pizza b/c it was too late for all that then. So, I brought it for lunch and now, I don't even want pizza anymore. So not only was I hungry last night, but I'm hungry again today b/c I actually brought the pizza to work with me but don't want it and don't have anything else to eat! AAAHHHHH!

Or... it could be that... I don't know. It's wednesday and I need a hug!! :(

Well who knows why I feel so funky!! Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow!

*dubie dubie*

PL...as promised

Well, I said that I'd tell you about PL, so I will...even though I no longer have the desire to talk about him. Isn't it funny how one day you can be super excited about someone or something and out of the blue, that excitement just fades? I mean, nothing has changed, but I am no longer confused, happy, or excited about him liking me. Anyway, he and I met a while ago and at the time we were instantly drawn to each other. We'd flirt with and smile at each other all the time. We'd talk about everything. He's a 3rd grade teacher and he loves kids even though he has none of his own. He's 26, mixed (puerto rican, black, and indian), a grad student (getting his PhD in Education), and he tutors during his spare time. He's a super-light skinned guy (of course, look what he's mixed with) with curly black hair worn in cornrows, 6 ft. , medium build, light brown eyes, and the biggest, prettiest, most wonderful smile known to man. He literally smiles ALL THE TIME. I have never seen him when he's not smiling. He even smiles while he's talking. It is so cute. Anyway, we used to flirt a lot and finally it got to the point where i was like, man, we need to go ahead and kick it. While I never said this aloud, we were heading in the "talking" direction: we'd go out and hold hands and talk and flirt and all that kind of stuff. I knew he liked me, which is why it was hard for me to figure out why he never tried anything with me. Then when it got to the point where we kicked it so much that we were actually an "unofficial" couple, he came clean with me. He told me he liked me, but he has a girl and he wanted me to know before things got even more serious between us. Is it just me, or do people not realize that the word "BUT" cancels out everything that was said before it!!! Who cares if you think I'm sexy, or fine, or want to be with me, or you're flattered... the fact is that you have a girlfriend. Dang. I was mad even though I really had no reason to be. He never crossed the line or cheated on her with me... he was squeaky clean. So, I just accepted it and we stopped all the hand holding and eye gazing and tried to be just regular friends...even though that fire was still there. So that leads you up to now. Though we still went out every once in a while, nothing ever happened. Then I met AM, and now PL wants to leave his girl for me!! Ha....life's funny. No man to many men in a matter of weeks!! What's that about??
Anyway, I talked to him earlier today via email since we're both at work and I can't just be chatting on the phones. He said he was sorry for letting his lust overtake him and he understood if I was mad at him, but he said meant every word and he really wanted me to consider dating him now.
I don't think I'm gonna do it. I mean when we were kickin it the first time when he had his little girlfriend, he didn't give her up for me. So why should I do it for him this time? I mean of course NOW, he's willing to give her up, but look how long it took? I mean, he's probably just tired of her now or something...so he's running to me. Sigh... well, f it's really meant for us to be together, we will be together... all in due time. That's my motto. I can't stress over stuff like this anymore. I figure that if it's meant to be, it will be. Regardless....

What a weekend....

Well it's back to the ole office again, but after the weekend I had, I am not even complaining! It's crazy how life works! I mean one month, you're in a slump where it seems like no guy in the world is into you... and even the annoying ones that you don't like kinda pass you over!! Then the next month, the're all over you like ants over some spilled syrup. I don't get it. I am the same person I was last month and the month before.... so why this sudden surge of men folk now knocking down my door to get some of my attention?? Don't get me wrong, I am LOVING the attention. It's wonderful!! But I am starting to get tired of dating all weekend and having 4-5 conversations about the same ole thing but with different guys each and every night. Okay, let me tell you what's been going on. I KNOW I won't finish...but hey, do I ever?

Okay, well let me tell you first about my weekend and if I get to a guy that i hadn't previously introduced you to, I'll stop and share the story.
Friday - After work, I went to AM's house since I didn't get to see him on his birthday the friday before b/c he went to Detroit to visit his family. Anyway, when I got there...he gave me his usual greeting, a hug, a kiss, and a "how was your day?" He was in the process of cleaning ...I was a little early since I left work early friday. So I let him finish. I offered to help, but he refused to let me. I loved that. So I sat on his bed and watched him clean. We started talking about stuff and he finally finished. I was happy because being so close to him made me want more affection. So when he layed on the bed, I climbed on him and layed my head on his chest and we just stayed all hugged up for about 30 minutes. We didn't talk much. We just layed there and enjoyed being close to each other. Ahhh what a moment! Well, we finally felt like we could tear apart from each other long enough for us to get ready to go to the movies. We saw Lord of the Rings 3 even though he'd seen it with his roomate already. I thought it was sweet that he was willing to sit through the 3 hour movie once more just for me! Once that was over, we were both tired so we went back to his house, ate some honeycombs (man those are the bomb!!) and acted like two 5 yr olds until we tired ourselves even more and collapsed on the bed. I love sleeping over his house. I mean, I probably shouldn't b/c I'm a "rules girl" now, and it may lead to trouble in the near future...lol But at the same time, I LOVE being over there! When he puts his arms around me and pulls me close to him during the night, I feel SO good. It's like...the best feeling ever. I feel so safe...and warm...and happy. Is that weird?
Saturday - I left AM's house only to go home, check my home messages, and leave back out again. I got a message from PL saying that he'd love to see me sometime that weekend. So I called him back and we decided to get together around 5. I know I've never mentioned PL before... so the next post will be about him. Anyway, I called DW back as well. He also wanted to get up that night. So I told him I'd call him when I was finished. SS, another person I'll tell you about later, called and wanted to go out. Well, I'm not super woman.... so I told him I couldn't and he asked me out for next saturday. Dang, I've never had a date an entire week in advance from a guy who wasn't my boyfriend! This brotha really wanna get his time in. I think that's good. Besides, the rules book says that you are not supposed to accept any dates for the weekend after wednesday of that week. Isn't that deep? Hmmmm.
Well anyway PL and I met in the parking lot of Circuit City b/c neither of us had a plan as to what we were going to do. We both just knew that we wanted to see each other. That was about as thought out as our plan was. Anyway, he was already there when I got there... I pulled up beside him and was happy to be greeted with his super bright and wonderful smile. I promise, I've never seen a smile as lovely as his. His entire face lights up! We exchange pleasantries and began talking outside our cars about everything. We realized it was cold about 20 min. into our convo and decided to move the convo into his truck. It was only at that time that I realized that we were still in the parking lot and we hadn't made any plans to do anything yet. I didn't mind though... I started to say something about it, but I was honestly having fun just sitting there in his truck talking to him.
Well, I must say, that was a BIG mistake on my part. The more we sat there...the more we gazed at each other, and the more the conversation moved towards personal things... and before I knew it, we were talking about the fact that he's really attracted to me and though he knows that I'm celibate, he still wants to "pleasure" me in any way I would allow. I was stunned b/c well.... to be honest... PL is SO FREAKIN FINE!! The ONLY reason we aren't dating is because he has a girlfriend. We decided to be friends since I'm kinda talking to AM and he's got a girl...but there's always been that attraction between us. Now we're sitting in his truck and he's telling me all this stuff that's been on his mind concerning me and I am melting! So things got a little warm...we kissed for a while and he tried to go a little further and I stopped him. Once we stopped, I felt really bad because we both have someone else and we're passionately kissing each other. I told him I had to go, and I left. I didn't even go to my later date with DW b/c I felt so bad...and so good all at the same time. I mean, why now! Why couldn't he have told me all this a month or two ago...before I met AM? I've been meeting a surplus of sexy men every since AM and I started heading into relationship mode slowly but definitely. Why does that happen? I don't get it. I mean, I gotta tell you about PL... he's a wonderful guy. The brotha has it going on. It's just that I cant really get with him because of our situation. And after all this time, he wants to be with me now! Ha... Men!!