Well it's Tuesday...

... but it’s my Monday because I took the day off yesterday. I needed it.
Well let me be honest, I didn’t NEED it. I’m just spoiled and didn’t feel like being the only one doing all the work here, so I bailed. It was a day well spent if I do say so myself. My weekend was filled with errands. While everyone else was clubbing Friday night, I was at Wal-mart with my mom walking up and down each aisle trying to figure out what I can afford to get this week and what will have to wait. Afterwards, I had to spend half of my freshly cut check to pay one of my bills.

Boo!

I mean, I’m glad I had the money to pay it, but I SURE didn’t wanna come off that money. Man! A sista could’ve really used that in other places. I still haven’t received my stimulus check or my federal taxes back and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m going to ever see either. I’m not default on my loans…yet. So I don’t see what the hold up is.

Saturday I woke up all early (well 10 is early for me on a Saturday) and started moving stuff out of my room. It’s been two months now since I’ve been back home and our air conditioner is STILL not working!! Three of us WITH JOBS are living there and we can’t collectively come up with the money to buy a new unit. Dang times are hard.
So I told my dad last week that I think it would be more beneficial to me if I moved my bedroom stuff around to maximize the air flow from my bedroom window. Thing is, I have a lot of ish in my bedroom. REALLY HEAVY ish! It took my dad and I about 5 hours to rearrange my room to my liking. It looks like a different place! Even my old rinky dink mattress felt better that night.
Sure enough, my room has been much cooler. I even created a little “reading corner” in the far left corner or my room complete with a bookshelf and pictures. My favorite recliner chair is perched perfectly by my bedroom window. It’s divine. If I stare out the window really hard, I can almost forget that I’m at my parents house and dream of my old place.

My Saturday night was cool. My cousin turned 2 so I went to his lil b-day party at my aunt’s house. I was handed a pina colada upon entering and forgot that it was lil-man’s party for a good 30 minutes. Seriously, it was about 6 kids…and 30 adults. The kids were running around squirting their water guns while the adults drank margaritas, watched College Hill, listened to music and played spades. This was the first BBQ I attended this year that Usher didn’t accompany me to. We seem to go to one every week. My family loves to Que. He was pulling in his 3rd -12 hour shift for the week and was dog tired when he got off. Poor baby couldn’t do anything but eat, shower, and go straight to sleep, only to be up Sunday morning to do it all again. I have no idea why he wanted a manual labor job. It’s too hot to be doing all that. I think he sees that now. But he doesn’t care. He has his eyes still set on working in Afg.anistan. He finally got a call back from one of the companies I applied him for and he passed all of the checks/tests/etc. He called me this morning to tell me that his package will be coming in the mail this week and all he has to do now is wait for his passport to come in and he’ll be off within that week.

I’m sooo scared.

He’s sooooo excited though. Like, he’s already talking about what he’s going to do when he comes back next year and how I’ll be sooo happy he took this job. I swear he’s spent his whole salary there and he hasn’t even gotten his little acceptance package yet. Honestly, if it was anywhere but Afganistan, (or Iraq) I’d be happy too. But I’m very nervous. And it makes me even more nervous because he doesn’t seem to be the least bit concerned about the conditions there. I don’t know why that concerns me but it does. I love my Usher and the last thing I want is for something to happen to him. I do realize something can happen to him right here in America. But I dunno. I guess I fear the unknown. And he’ll be sooooo far away. *sigh*

Besides that, I think it would be a good experience for him. What he’ll make there, would take him forever to make here. And it’s only a year. Plus it will keep him out of trouble....and there he can't smoke. It has it's benefits. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Nothing is set in stone yet. I wanna be happy for him really…and I am, but I’m really nervous too. We’ll see huh?

Father’s Day was cool. I took my dad to Red Lobster and bought him a few things. He was content, so I’m good. The rest of the day was a blur. I decided after dinner that I was taking Monday off. I went to Usher’s after he got off and we watched The Finals together. It was then that we decided to go to the zoo the next day.

I slept to my hearts content Monday morning. It felt soooooo good not to get up before daylight. I opened my eyes to a bright sunny room and it was great. The birds were chirping, the trees were whistling. Ahhhh what joy! I went to Usher’s and we headed to the zoo. As soon as we walked in I had to used the restroom. That is soooo me. *smh*

When I came out, I found Usher with two Raspberry Icee’s. He was chatting with a zoo employee who was showing him the map of where the Lions are. I sipped on my Icee when a guy walking towards us catch my eye. It was TD. Yes, TD…the guy who proposed to me by email. Yes, the guy who was sooo not good for me, but the chemistry was so magnetic. We locked eyes and recognized each other immediately. I totally forgot he worked at the zoo. A faint smile broke across his lips as he contemplated coming to hug me. Upon seeing Usher, he opted to just speak and keep it moving. I had no idea Usher even saw this exchange as he seemed engrossed in the conversation about the lions.

“Who was that gay dude you spoke to?”

*sigh* Usher thinks everyone’s gay. Lol

“That was TD.” I say nonchalantly

“T-D huh. Why do I remember that name?”

“Probably because that’s they guy I used to argue with all the time, and I told you when we first got together that our relationship reminded me of that one.”

“Oh yeah… or because that negro called you that time playing on the phone on new years.” He said.

“Yeah”. I said, thinking, Negro you know his name sounds familiar because it’s the same freaking name as YOUR ex wife. Lol

Anyways, we walked in the HOT HEAT of Atlanta, looking at the animals who were all hiding from us somewhere in the shade and realized that the zoo is definitely not as fun as it used to be.

After walking around for a few hours, we hightail it back to his place, where the AC was kicking, and plopped on the parallel sofas.

Next thing I know, it’s late and we’re hungry. We eat, cuddle, and plan out today’s adventures. This evening we have to pick his Grandmother up from the airport and drive her 2.5 hours to Augusta. Only to turn around and come right back. This wouldn’t be so bad if her plane didn’t land at 9pm. By the time we get back it will be well after midnight and I have to be up at 5am. Boooo! But it’s all good. Just more time to spend with Usher before he’s away for a year. So that’s what’s goinz on in my world.

Alrighty….guess I really need to get crackin on my work. Later.

Catch 22

I can’t believe it’s already June. It’s amazing how slow the workweek creeps along, yet the year shoots by with a blink of an eye. How is that possible. Last year I almost had a full blown panic attack when I started realizing how long I’ve been out of school and how I really don’t remember the years since then. Like really…what the heck have I been doing with myself? My life? My time? It freaked me out. I knew then that I have to start living differently. Seizing the day. Making memories. Enjoying myself. I’ve been trying to. I can’t imagine not remembering this last year. It’s been one for the books.

Unfortunately, I haven’t shared much of my memories on here because I’ve been either too lazy or too busy to write. I was laying in bed a few nights ago and realized the problem. I never blog at home. Usually, I do most of my thinking and recapping at night. This is when most of the things I desire to write about surface. I always promise myself that I’ll remember in the morning, and never do. Plus it’s kind of hard to write a sentence, then look over your shoulder to make sure your boss isn’t coming, then write something else, then answer the phone, go to the copier, do some paper work, then write again. I lose my train of thought and my inspiration to finish.

I’ve concluded that I’d be a much better blogger if I just posted in the evenings at home.
Problem is….I don’t wanna even SEE another computer when I leave work.

Such is my catch 22.

Now I remember why I stopped writing initially. It became too much of a hassle to blog from work.

We’ll see how this pans out. Right now, I have lots of work to do. Ta-ta!

Brighter day

I've been slightly depressed about finances lately. So much so that I've made myself physically ill.

It's a tough spot to be going through your own issues and to not be able to vent, cry, or ask for help from ANY of your loved ones because they got to you first for the exact same thing.

But just when I am at the very end, and there's no light at the end of this ever nearing tunnel, Usher gets a job!

HOORAY!

Lord knows that with him having money coming in, things won't be so pressed between us, and stressed for us. Now I'm praying that my mom gets her act together so I can have my check to myself to pay my own ish off.

I've always said that if I was the only one I had to take care of, I'd be SET!!!

But such is not the case right now, and I've become burdened with other peoples issues. It's so easy to say "bump 'em girl and do you". But reality is that I love these people and I can't feasibly be happy "doing me" when I know they're struggling. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Helping is stressing me out, but not helping would stress me out too.

I need an intervention, and I believe God is turning things around for all of us.

Keep praying folks! It's gotta get better. It already has. :)

One more day

There never seems to be enough time to relax and rest during the holidays. I was soooo super crunk on friday while anticipating the LOOOOOOOONG weekend. But here I am today....trying to figure out how it's already tuesday.

My memorial day weekend was filled with sun, barbeque and family. Usher scooped me up from work around 1 on friday afternoon and I was grateful to be out of that place. Not that I was actually working or anything. Everyone usually takes the fridays before monday holidays off so I was pretty much here alone. I came and re-potted my plants, played mah jong, payed some bills and listened to music until it was time to go. But the fact that I had to be here made me anxious to leave. Usher treated me to the ghetto Picadilly's at South DeKalb Mall on our way to his house. I must say, the food was slammin. I usually eat lil sammiches or frozen entree lunches, but a sista had about 4 plates of food in front of her. Salad, fish and shrimp, macaroni and greens, rice with gravy, AND a slice of carrot cake. Mmm mmm! As you can imagine, all I wanted to do when we got to Usher's house was sleep.
We layed on parallel couches and watched his bigscreen while dozing in and out of consciousness for a few hours. I don't remember much else about friday. It went way too fast.

Saturday I ran errands with my mom. I swear she drains me. And my pockets. Ya'll I needs my money!! But my mom just has a way of always "needing" it more.

"oh baby girl, i really need help with the food this week. we have no extra money right now because of the mortgage and we gotta eat. do you have $____ to spare?"

sigh.

I know I can't keep complaining about her because according to Usher, I'm allowing her to do this to me.

So I guess when I grow some kahunas one day, I'll be able to keep MY money in MY pocket. Until then, I guess I'll be a miserable, broke, babygirl.


Anyways, after I watched my account dwindle and all the plans I had for getting myself back on track die a violent death saturday, I went to bed fairly early to get ready for my 3 service Sunday.

I finally rejoined the choir. I know, I know. I was supposed to be looking for another Church. But ya'll don't understand. I am really really really just not feeling Church right now. I feel like I'm going out of habit...and partly because i'm hoping that staying connected will somehow jolt that old wonderful Church feeling I once knew. So with that, although I don't like being at my old church, I have no real motivation for finding a new one. I'm afraid that if I stop going to the old church, I'll get tired of visiting other churches and stay out all together.

So I've sucked up my ill feelings for our Pastor, and started participating in the services.

After Church, the Fam. went to Grant Park and had a nice relaxing barbeque. Usher showed his behind as he does at all family functions. For the last month or so, he's been doing comedy at a local club. Of course he invited everyone to come out and see him. I am sooooo hoping none of them show up. lol

I support Usher and his dream, but his act is way too vulgar and I do NOT want my family seeing his show. I am positive that they will no longer like him. lol

But yeah, the barbeque was good. My uncle burnt up the hotdogs. I was the only one eating them though. lol
I don't now what it is about me and burnt meat, but if I'm eating bacon, sausages, hot dogs, bratworths, etc... them joints betta be a lil crisp. I don't know why I like it that way but I do.

I got to play badminton, which is like my favorite game EVER! I was whoopin tail left and right!
Usher did beat me in the one-on-one game though. He sucks. I thought I had him, then next thing I know, WHAM! I fell into a hole I didn't see. It was soooo not cute. I just couldn't preserve my sexy I guess. *shrug* At least I didn't hurt myself. Although I WAS sore yesterday. I'm so clumsy. lol

Yesterday my dad finally got his truck fixed. YAY!!! After 3 days of waiting, the man finally showed up to fix on it. I was so happy. No more carpooling! Hooray! Not that I didn't love spending my mornings with my dad...it's just that, I felt stranded with out access to my own car. And he felt bad about having to use mine. So we're finally back in business! Thank the Lawd!

Usher called around 1 to say that we were invited to his best friend's brother's barbeque. (wow that was a mouthful) I was all for free food, so we headed down there around 2:30 and ate to our hearts content.

We spent alot of the day talking about veterans and the military. Usher was a marine for a few years and had alot to say about it. Well he has alot to say about everything.

Next thing i know, here I am. Back at work. No rest day. No lounging in my pj's and not taking a shower day. No read an entire book day. Nothing. Man, that sucks.

I need ONE more day.

Don't I always?

Hope your memorial day weekend was grand!

My Butterfly

Man it's early! *yawning*

I haven't been to work this early in a while. It still looks kinda dark outside. I bet the coffee's nice and fresh this time of morning. I think I'm gonna get some. I don't do coffee much, but once I get on a roll, I stay there for about a week. Be right back...

Okay I'm back. *sipping the coffee of the day* I saw my boss on the way down to Starbucks and she actually tagged along and treated me. Woo-hoo! Maybe today will be great. I've always heard that the early bird catches the worm. I've never been one to test that theory though. *shrug*

So if you haven't noticed, I've been in a bit of a writing funk. I don't know if it's laziness or what, but I've been wanting to talk about some things for about a month and still haven't blogged about it. I don't know why. I log on here...watch the cursor move for about a minute... and log off. Thing is, I know exactly what I want to say, I just don't feel like typing. Is that lazy? I think it is. I guess that's the good thing about blogging... I can do it when I feel like it. And just chill when I don't.

*sipping*

Things have been going aight in the land of Sway. My momma's getting on my last nerve as usual. My dad and I are now carpooling since his truck clonked out on him last Friday. It's a good thing we don't work too far away from each other. He drives my car, I sleep. Can't be mad at that. The only thing that slightly bothers me is the fact that I paid for my bus pass already this month. I feel like I'm losing money by not riding it. Lord knows I don't have any extra money to spare. Usher is out of a job. AGAIN. *sigh* What the heck is up with this? Am I dating a loser? Is that what's happening?

As quiet as it's kept, I am very frustrated with his inability to keep a job. I love him dearly, but he is a mess! I've tried being supportive, I've tried the tough love and still, after 6 or 7 months of working somewhere, it's a wrap for him. Now this particular job I knew was temporary, but still. He has rent due. He has bills. He has a child in Kentucky. My freaking birthday is coming up. He needs money and to me, it doesn't seem like he's trying hard enough.

Not that he's not trying at all. Which I guess I should be happy about. But I just feel like for him to be out of work for 3 weeks, he should be hitting the streets with his resume every single day! I don't know if I'm being hard on him this time because of his track record. I mean, he's applied for a few jobs and has had 3 interviews and still nothing. Can I blame him for that? I do. I'm not sure I should, but I do. I'm like... try harder! I guess because I know if he doesn't get a job soon, he's gonna be looking at me for financial support. Been there, done that. I don't like it. I guess I'm cool with that once or twice, but I think my irritation comes from the fact that every 6 months or so, we have to go through this crap. Why can't he just get a job like normal folk and work? I don't get it.

*sigh*

I think that's my only gripe with him these days. The job thing. And he's such a smart man. I just really don't get it. I've been talking to him lately about how I really think it's time for a life change. He's not young anymore. He needs stability in his finances. He has responsibilities and no one is going to take care of him while he's out in the street. The streets are good for quick money and large sums, but it's so fickle. You can't bank your life off of what's out there. It's too wishy washy. It seems like maybe he gets it now. That street life was fine at 22, but dude you're now in your 30's. Grow the hell up.

But despite my feelings about that, we've been doing pretty well together. He's been making it and he's been in an uncharacteristically good mood for someone with no money. Usually he's mean and grouchy and just blah! But he's been quite engaging and fun lately. Even though we've had no money, we've managed to enjoy each others company. Since he's not working, we've been able to see a lot of each other. He cooks for me some nights when I get off work. We went to play put-put for about $6 on Saturday. We went to the batting cages and played arcade games like 12 year olds. We even had free tickets to the zoo and upon getting there, found out that they were closed for the day (which resulted in us getting 2 more free tickets). So we'll be able to do that sometime soon. We've been to the park and just enjoyed chillin together. We play fight and watch crazy movies on tv. Life has been easy together. I mean it's been hard financially, but you'd never know it by watching us.

*thinking*

You know, maybe our break-up was a good thing. For a while, I was like, okay this is pointless. We still kick it all the time like we're a couple. Nothing has changed. But something has changed. He's matured a bit. On his own. And while it's only slightly, I can still see it and appreciate the small step forward.

This unemployed situation he got going on right now...is the first since we've been back together. I've been through it with him a few times before the breakup. He didn't handle it well then. When he was out of a job and had no money, he was a beast to be around. He was snappy and grouchy and mean. Ugh! He'd treat everyone like it was their fault. He'd isolate himself and sulk. We'd argue all the time about stupid stuff. It was like, he took all his frustrations out on me...and expected me to just take it. Every time we almost broke up, it was during those times of unemployment. It was like, he couldn't function normally during those times.
But this time around, it's so different. He's different. As soon as he told me that his last day was that friday, I began to get anxious. "Here we go", I thought to myself. But it wasn't like that this time. It's like a light clicked on and he gets the fact that his situation is only temporary. He understands that everything has always eventually worked itself out. He realizes that even though he's not rolling in dough right now, he can still have a good time. We can still have a good time together. He confides in me and lets me know how he's feeling instead of pushing me away like he used to. And though I'm irritated by his instability, I'm very proud that he seems to understand me and his situations a little better. It's not the end of the world. He's learning to appreciate what he does have instead of dwelling on what he doesn't. He's growing up, and I think that's admirable.

He still has a looooong way to go. Really. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a son rather than dating a man. But I can say that he's improving. And I'm patient. I AM a patient woman. (sometimes, lol) I found out a while ago why he was put in my path, but maybe this is why I was put in his. He's the type of person that needs someone to be understanding and to allow him to mature at his own pace. Even his dad told me that I calm Usher.

"He's changed alot with you Sway, believe it or not. He used to be rowdier than this."

That was hard for me to believe at first, but when I think back to when we first got together, I really do see it. I remember how much we argued and how quick tempered he was. I remember how he would quit a job after a week. How he just seemed to not care about anything. He's changing. And I'm patient enough to allow him to slowly get where he needs to be. I don't know why I'm the way I am, but I can totally wait. A lot of women are quick to dismiss men like him. Not that anything is wrong with knowing what you want and leaving those men who don't have it alone. Cuz I won't stay with a plum fool. But I'm more sensitive to men I see with attributes I like who aren't quite where they need to be, IF I see him really working on himself. I'll lend a hand in those cases. I'm not a "captain save'em", but I've always gotten great joy in watching a man in shed his cocoon and turn into a butterfly. Call me naive. Crazy. Whatever. I read once that many of us judge people their entire lives by their current status. When you think about it, we do. That jerk in college will forever be known to us as that "jerk"...even though he could now be a well adjusted, good-hearted, married man in his 40's with 2 girls and teach 3rd grade. And just because your man is a CEO at a fortune 500 company and treats you like a queen doesn't mean that there aren't woman out there who thinks he's the scum of the earth becauas he's cheated on her or hurt her in the past. People go through changes. They grow up, mature....or become bitter mean buttholes. I refuse to judge or give up on a person solely because of their current state. I've seen too many butterflies in my lifetime to not believe in the process.


But in that same breath, you gotta know when to give up. You have to know when they AREN'T changing. When they don't want to change. When that's the way they'll be for all eternity. When you're trying to help someone that doesn't want it. When you're hoping for a change that will never happen.

Sometimes for me it's hard to tell. I think that is my biggest relationship problem. I don't know when to let go. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that these fools ain't neva gonna change. I would never try to chang a man myself. I don't believe in that AT ALL. But I have dated men in hopes that they'd see their own flaws and change them and of course it never happened.

But you know what keeps me with Usher? I mean besides the emotions and all that jazz. When I think about him and all that he is and isn't...
When I ask myself "what if he doesn't change?"
If he continues forever with his 6 month gigs and then have to find another job...
And if I continue to get frustrated with it for the rest of my life...
I realize that I still wanna be with him.

I can deal with his flaws. I really do get who he is and even when he's immature and stubborn, I can deal with him. Not only deal with him, but love and enjoy him. If he doesn't change I would still want him. I didn't come into this relationship in hopes that he'd change. I took him for who he was, flaws and all, and he's starting to change on his own for the better. I like it this way much better.

When we first met, he told me that what holds a relationship together is not love, it's tolerance. I thought that was the DUMBEST thing anyone had ever told me. But after these two years of being with him, and the more I think abou it, he has a point. Long lasting relationships are about what you are willing to tolerate from your spouse. Establishing those limits or lack thereof early on can save you a world of wasted time, anger, etc. Now in now way am I minimizing the power of love or saying that tolerance is the only thing needed in a relationship, but ya'll know love isn't enough to keep anyone together. You need to be with someone that isn't going to push your highest button because no matter how much you love them, if they keep pushing you to your limit, you're going to finally say Enough is Enough.

Usher has pushed alot of my buttons. But I've never been to my limit. And we've talked about what our limits were in the beginning and whether or not we can tolerate the flaws and possible problem areas we each have. When we decided that we could tolerate it, we allowed for everything else to fall into place. I can love him just the way he is. Sure, I want him to be better. I'm sure he wants me to be better. We both need alot of work, but on the off chance that nothing else change. Usher is my boo boo! And I'm his. And we're good with that. Even when we drive each other crazy. We're good.

At least that's how I feel right now. Check back with me in 3 months. lol

Maaaan! I sooooo did not mean to get off on that tangent. *kicking rocks*

Oh well. It is what it is.

I guess i'll start on some work now. It'll make the time go by faster. Later!

Meetings

So in about 5 minutes, I have an All Staff Briefing. We have about 600 employees here and twice a year, we all get together to talk about the progress our organization has made towards eradicating cancer and it's devastating effects. Not that this isn't important, but in my 5 years here, I have yet to stay up for the entire meeting. In my opinion, 9-12 is waaaaay to long for a freaking meeting. Sorry. My poor eyes just can't stay open for that long listening to the same monotone voice, with the lights all dimmed, and the auditorium cold. Nope, to me that means it's time for sleep.

Nevertheless, I've drugged myself up with caffeine and hopefully I'll be lively for the first hour or two.


Wish me luck. lol

Boom-chick-a-bow-wow

I LOVE FRIDAYS!!

Payday or not.

I'm in a great mood today. My back was hurting all yesterday and it's still a little sore today, but I'm genuinely in a good mood.

There was so much I wanted to share over the week. I think I need one of those micro-recorders so that when I think of something, I can just record it and type it up later. Actually I do have one of those, but I can't find it. I haven't seen that thing in two years. I think if I could talk out the things I wanna blog about, I would blog more. By the time I get to the blogger site and log in, my mind goes blank. I know that I initally wanted to write about something, but either I forget, or I remember how long it would take me and I just say "forget it", i'll do it later, when i'm feeling more up to it. Only lately, I haven't felt like doing ANYTHING! lol

Maybe I'll just do the quick and dirty version of some of the things I've wanted to talk about. I can always come back and elaborate later.
*thinking*
Yeah that's what I'll do.

Um okay...

* Usher's looking for work in Ir.aq. Yes I said I.raq!!
Initially I was like, "neegro are you CRAZY!!???" But after he explained some things to me and calmed my fears about sui.cide bom.bers and yada yada, I felt much better. As wierd as it sounds, I really want him to get the job. It offers great benefits. I could see how it would help us out.

* My best friend had her baby this weekend!
And what a cutie she is! I loooooove babies. I'm starting to get that itch again. Tick, Tick, Tick... I"m hearing the clock. Oh wait, nevermind. I forgot how much I love to sleep. Cancel that! lol

* The baby shower from hell: how many people is too many?
I don't know if I mentioned anything last week about the baby shower I was helping with. Well how about 95 people was at this thang. NINETY-FIVE people, folks. And this was her second baby shower. WTH is going on? I mean it was hectic ya'll. Getting everyone situated, playing games, feeding them... opening presents. It was a looooong baby shower. A mess. I'm just glad everyone didn't show up. She invited over 200 people. I'll let that marinate for a second.
Homegirl is either really popular, or a gift whore. Take your pick.


*My cousin just found out that her sperm donor is married. And the wife doesn't know about the kids!
So I've talked a little in the past about my cousin's on again-off again boyfriend, who on some days say that he loves her/wants to marry her and on other days say that he hates her/he's gay/he moved to california/ etc.
Anyway, they did this for 6 years, and have 2 kids (2 and 4). Now I was pissed at her for getting pregnant by him in the first place because if you've read my blog in the past, I've mentioned that ole dude already had 4 kids and 3 baby mamas BEFORE her. He married his first baby mama and they are expecting their second child. This lady doesn't even know about my cousin and her 2 children. So I guess ole dude isn't planning on being in his kids' lives huh? Sad. Isn't this some crazy Maury or All my children ish? smh. Life is crazy.

* Dating differences: Single women with kids (SWK) vs. single women with no kids (SNK)
I think I want to leave this alone for right now. I'll come back and do a post on this one.

* Respect my space folks.
I'm going to slap the next person that sees me standing and waiting for the bus and decide that they want to stand RIGHT, and I mean RIGHT in front of me like I'm not standing there. I look around and see all this free space beside me, and behind me and around me... and my blood starts to boi. Why are you standing RIGHT HERE???? I feel like Ludacris... MOOOOOOOOOOOVE B****!!! Get out the way!! And I don't know what it is, but it's always people of the caucasion persuasion that do this to me. Like they are saying to themselves, "oh the little chocolate girl won't mind if i stand on top of her. She'll be alright!" Ugh! I usually make a point to just stand there and look at them. I never look back. Then I'll cough or sing loud or move my bag around because they are so close to me, it will hit them. lol. That's mean huh?
Uh... NO! They are in my personal space. Moooooooooooooooooooove!

Lazy Day

Okay I am officially in my lazy zone.

I think I deserve to be a little lazy this week though. My weekend was super crazy and the week thusfar have proved to be the same. I'm enjoying all the running around though. It keeps me from complaining about living at home. lol

I'm happy to report that my arms are feeling great! I've been staying out of the sun as much as possible and I've thrown all my sunscreens away. That's probably not a good thing...but hey, I gotta do what works for me right now.

I figured I should write something today, but as I mentioned earlier, I'm feeling lazy. Hopefully I'll get out of this slump in a few days because I do have a few things I'd like to chat about.

Until then....

Not cool

Ooooooooooh I am so ITCHY!!!!!

I scratched my arms until they turned red and whipped up. I've applied my aloe vera gel... cold water....ice. Nothing is working!

It's the sunscreen lotion.

I know it is.

I hate that I have such sensitive skin. This weekend Usher and I went to look at cars. I swear we were only outside for about 15 minutes. 20 max. It was nice out, so of course I was sleeveless. I sometimes forget how easily my skin burns. By the time i got home that night, the tiny itchy burning bumps I've become so familiar with, made thier appearance. Dang... it wasn't even THAT hot Saturday.
I put a little gold bond powder on my arms and called it a night. Since the weather on Sunday was cool, I figured my small time in the sun couldn't have done so much damage that my bumps would stay. I was wrong.

Luckily, monday and tuesday, I didn't have too many problems out of them. They were there, but they weren't itching or burning. Instead of leaving them alone, my crazy behind figured it would be a good idea to put sunscreen on my arms to ensure no more damage would occur.

Yeah so I made things worse. Apparently, i'm allergic to suncreen too. I should have known this because everytime i put it on, it burns...but I always figured it was because my skin was already irritated. But this time, I realize it's just as much the sunscreen as it is the sun. Before then, I was fine. Now I'm super itchy... i mean my arms are burning. I'm uncomfortable and cranky. I really wanna scream. I can no longer scratch because I've made my arms blood red and added whips to the massive tiny bumps. My arms are jacked up!! I sooooooo wanna go home and jump in a pool of cold water. How can I work like this!! Ugh!

I really hope this goes away soon. :(

I ain't talkin 'bout nothin

Hey ya'll. *smacking on some gum*

You ever feel like you have nothing to talk about, but still feel like posting something? Okay that's where I am today. I am sooooo not in the working mood, and fortunately for me, my work load is light. So I figured it would be a great time to just chit chat a little. Don't try to make since out of any of it cuz you'll probably make your head hurt.

Anyways... I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite songs. When I say favorite, I mean until my new favorite comes out. And of course this has nothing to do with my favorite of all times, although if I don't get sick of it by the time it gets old, it may make it on my all time list, but that rarely happens. Aaaanywho... I love me some Falsetto. You know what... I love mostly all of the songs The Dream sings. He could sooooooo get the business. And I really don't even know how he looks. I never really paid attention to him like that. When his songs come on, I just close my eyes and let him work his magic. I don't know why I like his songs but I do. I mean his lyrics are suggestive and sometimes downright raunchy, but I guess it's true what they say, "It's not what you say, but how you say it". Delivery is everything. I'm in the office right now doing my cute chair dance and trying not to get too crunk. Fridays are my official crunk days. I'd straight stand up in the hallways and drop on 'em. And if they look at me crazy I'd just say Hey, it's friday, I can do that. But today is thursday, so I'll just sit and do my little hip wiggle. It'll work.

And speaking of songs, why can't I get this freakin crazy song out my head! Not falsetto, but this other ghetto one that they play on the radio everytime I get in my car after work. I would put money on them playing it in the 10 min it takes me to get from the Park & Ride to my house. Everyday! I hate this freakin song, yet I find myself unconsciously singing it sometimes.

Do you know how incredibly embarassing it is to burst out with "That baby don't look like me!" and then realize what you just said? It's a mess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So my friend called me yesterday to ask me what I'll be cooking for our other friends baby shower. This is the 5th baby shower I've had to cook for this year....and it's only April. What is in the water down here? Why is everyone preggers? I'm gonna need everyone to take a step back from each other, get on some birth control and let a sista save some money! I'm tiiiiiide! Buying presents, making food, playing the games, going to the hospital.... I need a breather. Can everybody just stop with the chilluns for a while please? Thanks! I mean Sway loves the kids but dang... let's try to coordinate this a little better. I'll make a calendar and ya'll can sign up for when ya'll want to have some chirren. K? K.

Oh and speaking of the pregnant friend whom we're having the shower for, this is the same one that just got married in Sept of last year. I'm still not caught up with all the money I spent for the wedding. Anywho... her name is DG. Now, we've known each other for about 13 years. We didn't become friends though until maybe 6 years ago. But during that time, we really got close. I considered her one of my best friends. My mom had always told me that DG was some-timey and haughty. I never noticed it until after she got engaged. She started changing a bit. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know how hectic planning a wedding can be and her life was changing fast. I figured her new stand-offish, quiet aura was attributed to her being so preoccupied with that. Then the wedding came and went. She was still acting brand new. It was no more hugs and fun chats, no calls or emails. She even "forgot" to initially invite me to her birthday party. I didn't realize this until our other friend (mentioned above) told me. I was like....okay heffa. The only time she speaks now is if she needs something. Like now, she's saying hello when she sees me because she wants me to buy her baby a present.

I will because it's not the baby's fault, but dang why are people like that?

Anyways...talking about her just ruined my whole crunk vibe. I stopped chair dancing and everything.

Lemme go find "I luv your girl" and get my groove back. Later!

Monday

Goooooooooood Morning! *sipping on some sugar with a little coffee in it*

It's about 9 am and I've already walked a 1/2 mile, balanced my transactions online, took a nap, ate, found out that it was national take off work day at my job (or so it seems), looked at a few of my favorite sites, updated my personal calendar and checked all my messages and emails. Whew! I guess vitamins do work. My mom has been telling me for about 5 years to take them, but I'm stubborn. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just...i dunno. I'm lazy and I forget. *shrug* But I'm now sold. I'm super crunk this morning and I must contribuite it to my vitamins! I guess the coffee helped too. :)

Anywho, *taking a small sip of water*. Nothing much to report here in the land of Sway. I've embraced my ghetto-ness alot more lately. I made my own pillowtop mattress by stuffing a bunch of pillows between my mattress and a foam topping. *smh*It actually makes that old mattress tolerable. It'll last me until I can afford to buy a new one. My parents still aren't used to the pillowtop set I gave them. My mom complains that it's too soft.

" Girl, how could you sleep on that. It's like you just sinking into the mattress."

Oh how I miss that!

She's gotten a little more used to it, but I don't think it's for everyone. She probably needs something a little more firm. That's good. At least I know I won't have a problem getting my mattress back when I move again. lol

My friend of 20 years hit me up this weekend to sucker, err... i mean ask me to come to her debut Mary Kay (MK) party. I knew that meant she wanted me to buy something. Since she's 8 months pregnant and have been having a pretty rough financial time, I felt guilty not getting SOMETHING. But the truth is... I don't really like MK stuff. I know about 3094839843.47 consultants and they all want me to buy stuff from them. The only thing I did like from MK was this body mist that they have discontinued. But never the less, I felt I should support her. I ended up buying the hand cream/exfoliant/moisterizer stuff. It was the only thing I was kinda impressed with during the whole "testing the products" spill. Since it was her birthday as well, we ate and sat around and chatted for a few hours after the other MK consultant left. After a while my right hand started itching really badly. I absentmindedly scratched at it, but it continued to itch. Even burned a little. I looked down at my hand and noticed that the entire back side of my hand was fire red, and tiny bumps filled its surface.

Man! Apparently I'm allergic to something we tested on our hands. I go to the restroom to wash my hands in hopes that it would cool the burning and stop the reaction. The cool water felt good to my hands. But once I finished, it still burned. I ended up wrapping a cold damp cloth across my hand like a bandage and eventually the itching and burning subsided. I hate MK. Hopefully it wasn't the hand cream that caused the reaction since I've already put in my order for that.

I spent the night at Usher's that night. It's good to be on the same side of town as everyone again. He lives about 15 min away from me, and 9 min away from my friend of 20 years.

Like an old couple, we spent our night watching movies, rubbing each others hair and arms, and exchanging riddles. I skipped Church again. I know this isn't good, especially because I don't feel bad about it. All the more reason why my tail need to find a good Church home.

It felt good to sleep in though. It felt even better to not be at my parents' house. For a minute, it felt like old times. I love sleeping with Usher. He's one of those people who like to continuously touch during the night. Not cuddle per se...because when you're really trying to get some sleep, the LAST thing you wanna do is cuddle. But he'll hold my hand, or put his foot or arm across mine, or put his back to mine. As long as we're touching in some way throughout the night...he's fine. I kind of like it. It's a constant reminder that someone is there. I'm sure he's not that fond of sleeping with me though. I snore. lol

We woke up around noon and I immediately hogged the bathroom. It takes me a lot longer to primp, so I had to get started. I got tickets from a co-worker to Tyler Perry's play, The Marriage Counselor and asked Usher if he wanted to go. It was something we don't do much, so I figured it would be a nice change from our usual dinner dates. We got to the FOX Theatre in enough time to scout out the cheapest but closest parking spaces and settled on a lot that was about $8.00. That was so much better than the $20 we were about to pay.

He walks around to my side of the car and I get a really good look at him. His stunner shades, bling, and fresh hair cut complimented his cream linen shirt and dark slacks, which he fills out quite nicely. I've always liked his build. I like that he towers over me so large and assured. It makes me feel so small and dainty. So girly and protected. Usher looked really nice and I made sure I told him so.

"You usually look like a rapper. Today...you're definitely giving me the R&B vibe." I joked.

The play was good. I could tell Usher was a little restless during the singing parts. Not that the people couldn't sing...it's just that he gets bored quickly. During the intermissions, he was the first one on his feet asking me if I wanted anything from the concession stand. I could tell he needed something to do. He spent $43 on junk food there. He's crazy! lol

The rest of the day went okay. I kinda messed up our chill vibe because I needed to get some things off my chest. Of course it was about finances. I swear he and my mother are two of a kind. I was hoping he didn't take the things I said to him the wrong way, but it needed to be said. He was a good sport about it, but at times the conversation got a little emotional for us both. I had to tell him how I felt about what I mentioned in my last post. I was really hurt about him borrowing money and paying everything and everyone else off/back but me. We talked about it, I explained my side. He explained his. We ended the convo with a big hug. No love was lost.

Sometimes I have bad timing. I probably should have saved the convo for another day. I hate spending the last few hours like that instead of curled up on the couch eating ice cream. Nevertheless, it needed to be said, and I feel a big weight lifted now that he knows what was going on inside.

Well It's now 10:30. I've manage to stop a billion times during this post to chat it up with the few co-workers that did decide to come on in. Hopefully you've noticed that in all the things I've done, WORK was not mentioned. I guess now is as good a time as any to start on some though. I pray that this week goes smoothly! Happy Monday!

Preaching to the choir

I’ve always been told that I’m a great listener. I used to think of it as a compliment. Now, I just think that’s what folks say when they see me getting frustrated because they are dominating what was supposed to be a conversation, but has somehow turned into them venting and me just listening. I had a friend ask me once why I was so quiet. My reply was simply, “because you keep talking”. She didn’t understand that for some reason. I was always taught not to inturrupt people. I know I hate it when people do it to me so I try my best to wait until people finish speaking before I start. Apparently this was not a common lesson. Well at least it wasn’t for the folks I encounter. So here I am, stuck listening to someone go on and on and on.

I guess that’s why I started blogging. To get things off my chest that I’d never have a chance to vent about in real life because someone else is always venting instead.

Over the years, I’ve embraced my demure status and listened to those around me talk about any and everything. But what I find completely intriguing is the fact that some people get so caught up and comfortable in talking to me that they forget that they are talking to ME! What I mean by that is… people complain to me about something someone else did to them, and totally forget that they themselves have actually done the same thing to me. And they don’t even realize it. In my mind I’m like, how in the HECK are you gonna get mad at them for doing the same thing you did to me.

Case #1

I took off of work yesterday to do a move-out “walk” and sign my vacate letter and etc. So today I come in and see my “boss” sitting at her desk with a sour face. I put boss in quotations because structurally, she’s my boss. She’s who I am supposed to report to when evaluations come around. However, in every other sense, we are co-workers. We share work, have the same real boss, and our titles are pretty much the same. But because she’s technically my boss, she gets all the credit for almost everything I do. Not cool.
Anyways, being the way I am, I say good morning, see her face and ask her if she was okay. She begins to unload all her problems one by one on me. I didn’t mind. I understand how nice it is to have someone to just listen to you. Even though TG turned out to be a lying piece of *insert curse word*, he was a great listener. Lol

So she finishes and apologizes for having dumped all of this out like that. I say “no problem” and try to get my day started. After about 5 minutes, she comes back to my desk and says, “And another thing, I am sooooo tired of doing all this hard work and not getting the credit for it. I mean, Melissa and I are working on this project and I’ve been doing all the work for it. All she’s done is set up the meetings. This morning I got an email from the head of Corp. Communications and they were talking about how well Melissa has done on the project and how her name should definitely go on the final presentation. No one even mentioned me. I am so tired of not getting recognized for my work! Ugh!”
I swear I wanted to slap her. How is she gonna vent to me about doing all this work and not getting credit for and expect me to feel sorry for her when she gets all the credit for the work I do?

What in the heck is going on? I just sat there looking at her, hoping she’d see the irony in venting to me about this, but she didn’t.

They never do.

Case #2

Usher is always in the middle of something. There’s not a dull day in our relationship. I mean EVER. There’s always a story. Always some drama. Usually I’m just happy it has nothing to do with us.
Anyways, the other day he called me to tell me that he was home as he usually does after work. I could tell that he wasn’t his usually chipper self. So I ask what’s wrong. (okay, I now see that I set myself up for these venting spells.) He begins to tell me about his cousin whom he loaned $50 to about two week ago. His cousin was supposed to pay him back 2 days ago. He said he had been calling his cousin non-stop because he needs his money back. A loan is just that…a loan! Usher was pissed. “I hate having to ask people to pay what’s rightfully mine. You know when you owe somebody money. It’s just akward to put someone in a position where they have to chase you down for their own money. I hate when people do me like that.”

Um, yeah buddy. You’re preaching to the choir. Usher borrowed money from me a month before we broke up last year. I’m still waiting for payday. Again, I look at him like, Neegro! How you gonna be mad at someone for being two days late on $50, when you’re 6 months late on $400???? And then have the nerve to tell ME of all people how much you hate when people act like the forgot about paying you? HELLO!!!

That ish urks me to no end.


I have about a billion stories like this but I'll spare them. I often wonder why it never triggers to these people that they are preaching to the freaking choir when it comes to telling me these kinds of things? It’s kinda weird.

Anywho. Just felt like getting that off my chest. My move was long and tiring, but I’m finally finished. Hooray! These few days have been interesting. Adjusting back to living with my parents is going okay. Nothing major one way or the other. Just different. I’m happy to be back on this side of town though. I’ve missed being so close to everyone. Plus I should be able to save a little money. That’s the point right? :) I had a quick breakdown on Monday when I got off work and went to my folks house. As soon as I opened the door to my old bedroom the tears started flowing. I got over it quickly though. I gotta stay optimistic. This is the best decision for all of us. It may not be where I wanna be, but it’s definitely where I need to be. I’m helping everyone by being here. And it’s only for a while. I’m okay today. I’m embracing the fact that I can’t do it all alone. I’m also embracing the fact that I’m needed right now. I’m gonna be fine. I’m already feeling better. Wish me luck. A quick prayer would be nice too! Later!

4 days til D-Day

So the countdown has begun.

I think my body knows it because I've been sleeping extremely long and very peacefully this last past week. Unfortunately, since some events have taken place since I last wrote, my moving money is depleted. This means that the nice queen pillowtop mattress I planned to buy this weekend is on hold. Every since I decided to move back, I figured I'd give away most of my belongings. The next time I move out, I want mostly all new things. So my living room set is going to Usher, kitchenware is going to my aunt, and my bedroom suite, I decided, will be given to my parents. I figured my beautiful mahogany california king suite would look fabulous in their room. They have the space for it. My bedroom at their house already has my old queen size bedroom suite in it and to keep from moving everything and moving it again the next time I move, I figured this would be a better move. Besides, the king size suite I now have, would crowd my lil room way too much there. I just figured I'd get myself a new mattress since I've spoiled myself and am in love with my pillowtop.
But as usual, my plans were interupted by the need of those around me and I spent my mattress money last week. So now, when I move back, I'll be sleeping on my old mattress that I've had since I was 12. Boo! I hate that thing. I guess I shouldn't complain. It's only for a week...or two depending on the delivery schedule.

Anyways, I've been soaking up my last week in my place. Enjoying the quietness. The freedom. The privacy. Walking around naked. Eating honey combs at 2 in the morning. All that! It's been great. *sigh*

Aaaanywho. I'm hungry. I have about 10 minutes before lunch. Just thought I'd come and share my moving woes. lol Later!

Flaws and all

I AM VAIN.

I’ve always thought I was a sexy mami. I spend hours primping in front of the mirror. Meticulously styling each strand of hair and perfectly applying just the right amount of liner to compliment my brown eyes. I pride myself on my smooth skin. No blemishes or bumps for me. My face was as clear as the air. Any minuscule imperfection would be hurriedly covered until further notice of its disappearance. I love my face. I love the way it looks.

I often find myself passing time by just watching myself make faces in the mirror. 3 smiles, a pouty look…a sultry look and a cute one. I’ve mastered them all.

It’s because I’m vain.

I didn’t realize it though. I’ve always been a compliment whore. Hoping someone notices the things I notice about myself and praise me for it. I’d always respond with a timid “thanks”. Probably giving off the impression that I never thought I was attractive. But it’s quite the opposite.

I know I’m the shiznit!

I should be ashamed. I am really. But I don’t think I’ll change.



I AM DEPENDENT.

I never thought of myself this way. I’ve always seen myself as an independent chick. Not asking for help from anyone. Always striving to meet my own needs. I was the one always figuring out ways to help others…not the other way around. I guess for those reasons, I saw myself as independent. But I’m not. What I was describing is just financial independence…and really, I’m not that. I’m dependent on my job so there you go.

The more I thought about independence, the more I realized how needy I am emotionally. I am totally dependent on relationships. If I were Tom Hanks on Cast Away, I probably would have killed myself before month’s end. I love my “me” time and have no problem chillin all by myself. In fact, I often think of myself as a loner. But truth is, after a few days of that…I’m ready for some human interaction. I get tired of laughing at my own jokes. And the only thing I learn from myself, is more stuff about me. I need people. I’m dependent on it. Partly because I’m vain and I’d be sad if no one saw how cute I was. (j/k. Well not really. lol) But mostly it’s because I am dependent. I have the most fun with others, I learn more with others, conversations are always better with others (as opposed to talking to myself), I crave hugs and kisses from others. Life is just better with others. I’m dependent. What can I say.



I AM IN LOVE.

I didn’t think I’d fall in love with Usher but somehow he crept into my heart and stole every inch piece by piece. What started off for me as something to do with my spare time with someone I wasn’t really interested in, has turned into a 2 year relationship that I never want end. I love him. And it scares me. Being in love can make you vulnerable to someone else. I’m a leo. I want to be the only one in control of me. Yet…I find myself completely at his emotional mercy. Knowing that my relationship happiness is in his hands to either nurture or destroy is too much for me to handle sometimes. And as much as I try to be independent and guard my heart while keeping in mind that it all could (and has) end(ed) in a split second, I still know deep in my heart that he got me. I hate that. Yet…I can’t stop loving him. I can’t hide the way I feel. I AM …in love.


I AM BIG.

I should have known this. But I didn’t. I guess because I’m so vain, I may not see myself in the same light as others. I’m a size 12…well…14 sometimes if the tops aren’t stretchy. And I’ve been “this size” for quite sometime now. I’ve dropped as low as a 10 and as high as a 16 before…but usually, I’m a 12/14. Never though, did I consider myself a big girl.
Why you ask?

I dunno. Just didn’t. I look normal to me. The only reason I know now that I must be a big girl is because everytime I look at my friends request on Myspace, some variety of the “Big Beautiful Black Women” group always ask for me to be apart of their group.

*going to a mirror* I’m not that big am I?

Well everyone can’t be wrong. So I guess I should accept it.

*edit* Okay I’ve finally figured out why I never knew that I was big. I’ve found out from other sources that I have…

A SKINNY MIRROR.

Yup. Who’d a thunk it? I’ve had a few women over my house and they are all drawn to my mirror. Every last one of them have commented on how much they love my mirror because it makes them look skinny.

“For real?” I’d say. I had no idea. So apparently, I’ve been looking at a smaller version of myself. No wonder I’m always shocked when I see my pictures. lol *shrug*



I AM A CLEO.

No not in the “Call me now for a psychic reading!” sense. See, I was born at the end of July which means that my astrological sign is LEO. But I was late. If I was born when I was supposed to be born, I’d be a CANCER…hence CLEO (cancer/leo) .
I’m not sure how that works seeing how the characteristics of the LEO and the CANCER are on different sides of the spectrum. Maybe that’s why I’m so random. I really am both signs…although most people can only see one or the other in me. My entire life I’ve been more “Cancer-ish” but with every passing day, that Leo roar is starting to emerge. I think the only common bond these signs have is that they are both fairly benevolent. I just find it crazy that I can readily relate to both signs. Just felt like sharing.



I AM ADDICTED TO JAS.ON C.ASTRO.

Okay… how incredibly LAME must I be to actually watch American Idol still. I mean the show is only good at the beginning when the folks come make a complete fool out of themselves. Yet…since the first cycle, I’ve found myself tuning in as everyone either praise or bash Simon in his baby gap tee’s about how right or rude his comments are…and of course I try to figure out why Paula claps like a sped. No offense to the Speds. But her clap is amazingly akward. I can't figure out for the life of me why she looks so crazy clapping. Anyways.. I digress.

Why am I watching this crap, you ask? Because I have a crush on J.ason Castr.o.

JC. Wow. Where have you been all these years? I swear he makes my palms sweaty every Tuesday night. Does he not realize what he does to me? Those beautiful sparkly eyes...those dreads…that “Cody from Step By Step” dumb look he does when he speaks. Ooooh. He got me. Nevermind he’s 8 or so years younger than I am. He’s legal. I’ve never been with a Colombian man before (at least I think he’s Colombian) but he makes me wanna try it. He could definitely give me the business. lol Okay, lemme stop. *whew* But yeah...this sensual singing star is the reason I’ve been glued to my sofa watching AI. I think he’s a weird guy and his laid back style can be annoying sometimes, but I can sooo overlook that. He is a beautiful man…err boy. And I’m a sucker for a guitar player. I think I might even be a groupie for him. What a shame. lol I hope that he isn’t sent packing tonight. *crossing fingers*



I AM JEALOUS.

I get a call last night from Usher.
“Guess what?” He said all amused.
“What?” I questioned. He sounded as if he was bursting to tell someone some juicy gossip.

“ I just got a call from my ex-wife today. She’s pregnant.”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say but, “Whoa.”

I had so many emotions running through my body. Ya’ll know what happened between TG and I, and I’ve always been nervous about that same thing happening between me and Usher. Well for me, this happily put to rest the whole “what if he goes back to his ex” worry. Not to say that I’ll never worry about it again, but the probability that he'll leave me for her now that she's going to have another man’s child is a lot less. I know how he feels about that.

“How do you feel about that?” I asked anyways.

“Sheeeeit, you know me. I was done already anyways. This just sealed the deal. I don’t know why she telling me. I’m not gonna help her take care of another man’s child. And get this, they ain’t even together no mo’.” He sounded pleased.

I know his ex hurt him. She left him. And instead of forgiving her and moving on, he’s all about watching her get “what she deserves”. It bothers me because to me, if you’re still that angry, it may be because you still have strong feelings. He’s assured me that no matter what, his days with the ex were over when he left Kentucky 3 years ago. I believe him, but there’s always that doubt in the back of my mind.

This news, however, made me happy. I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I was happy to know that she was pregnant with someone elses child. But then I became kind of jealous. This crackhead is going to have 2 children and I have yet to have any? How is that fair? I want children. I want a husband too. She just threw hers away. I began to think of all the things this lady has had in her life and decided she didn’t want and it made me upset to think that these are the very things I’ve waited my entire adult life for.

I became instantly ashamed that I was jealous of a crackhead. A woman who is about to have a child with a man she’s no longer with. A woman who is in such a bad predicament that her best idea was to call her ex-husband whom she left and ask for his help, knowing how he is and what he’d probably say…but it was her last hope. I’m so ashamed that with everything I do have, I was jealous of the two things she has that I don’t. Sometimes, I am a mess. A crazy, ungrateful mess.



I AM NOT PERFECT.

My entire life has been one big lie. I don’t really know how it all began. I was a good child. Precocious and cute. I was good at almost everything. Singing, dancing, and sports…piano, school, and speeches. I was the prototype for children everywhere. Obedient to my parents. Good with other children. Teachers loved me. I was perfect. So I thought.

My mom did nothing to discourage my perfect perception. In fact, she nurtured it. Eventually, she became the reason I felt the need to be perfect. She would always tell me how happy she was to have such a good child. She'd boast to her friends and family about me. She'd set up the expectations and I'd always deliver. I'm sure it made people sick to their stomach to see how "perfect" I was. Secretly, I know they were hoping I'd fall, or fail, or lose, or be tacky, or miss, or something. I was unnaturally...perfect.

As I got older, it became harder and harder to keep the standard that was previously set. I had to try harder to be the person everyone expected me to be. My reputation often preceded me. “Oooh that’s Lynette’s chile, she’s so *insert any good thing here*”. And to make my parents proud and to keep that perception of me going, I’d try my hardest to be the best at whatever it was I needed to be the best at.

But like every human, I started making mistakes. Getting involved with boys and letting my grades slip. My mom was so disappointed. I got whipped for bringing home a C in high school. She told me that she wished Kelly was her daughter instead of me. Kelly was one of my best friends. Smart. Very smart. Straight A’s. She just graduated from Harvard Law last year by the way. Anywho, I was hurt that she would say something like that to me. After years of trying to be this perfect child for her, I make one mistake and now she doesn't want me? It stung. That day should have been the day I stopped trying, but ironically, it made me want to try even harder. The disappointment in my mother’s eyes hurt me so much that I vowed to never disappoint her again.

I haven’t.

Not to her face at least. It was easier to live the lie of perfection than to admit to her that I’m not. I couldn’t bear to let her, or anyone see the side of me that was flawed. The part of me that was mean and moody. That was unsure and questioning. That was tired and disappointed. The part who had pre-marital sex, and skipped classes. The part that cursed, and went clubbing. The part that had been cheated on and who lost a dance off. That person was a vampire. Only accustomed to the dark. She was brushed into a closet with the rest of the skeletons. In her place was a lying but polished wall. Graceful, sharp, and mechanical. I knew to smile when people were around. I was polite, respectful, and engaging to all. Always fun. Always happy. Always on point. Never letting anyone see me less than perfect. I hid it all. I became so good that sometimes I hid it from myself.

But I kept making more mistakes. Years went by before one of my boyfriends finally told me, “Sway, you’re not perfect. You’re not doing anyone any good by pretending to be.”


Of course he was right, but I couldn't just instantly undo something that has had such a hold over me for my entire life. How do I tell my loving parents that I am not the person they've known since birth? How do I let people see all of me after years of lying, and hiding, and sweeping those bad parts away?

Day by day I guess.

Yeah those thoughts overtake my mind, willing me to make people believe that I’m perfect. The need to please my mom...people and their high expectations of me... it's hard to stop sometimes.

But I know I just have to re-train myself and realize that it's okay for others to see my flaws. Admitting to my mom and myself that I do have them. She has put me on a pedestal for so long that others believe it. Heck I believed it and lived my life trying to stay there. But slowly, I’ve begun to come down off it, step by step.

I am not perfect.
And it’s okay that others know.

This is who I am.
A big, vain, dependent, jealous, imperfect, cleo. Who happens to be addicted to a white boy with dreads and who's in love with a man who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
Take it or leave it.
This is me. Flaws and all.

Venting and Dreaming

I’ve been having crazy dreams lately. One night I dreamt that I was asleep and when I woke up (in my dream) I saw my bedroom door and closet door open (which I never leave open). As I got up, I saw the front door to my apartment slightly open. That is my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Something was wrong. Someone was here. I looked in one of my mirrors and saw a shadow of some legs hunched down in my bedroom closet and became scared that I was about to be killed. So somehow I got my keys and cell really fast and put on my coat, slipped out the door and went to my car while calling… the police?

WRONG!

My retarded behind called Usher.

I was telling him that I think 2 boys had broken into my apartment and I was scared and wanted him to call the police for me because even though I was in my car, I still didn’t feel safe. For some reason, he didn’t understand what I was saying and didn’t really seem that upset about the fact that someone broke into my apartment. I don’t remember what happened after that. All I know is that the boys in my dream that had came into my house, were the same boys that I really did see sitting on the stairs one evening after Usher left. Maybe I unconsciously harbored fears about them knowing I live alone and trying to break in and it manifested in dream form.
I dunno. I just don't understand why alot of my dreams lately have been sort of like that. Well not from that particular night.
I had quite a few dreams that night. One ended in me going to eat a brownie, but someone was yelling for me not to do it because I had no milk. *blink* Just so happens I was awakened at that moment by Usher’s call at 2:36am asking me to sing for him.

WTH is going with my nights? Anywho...

Last night, I was dreaming about going to this Church that in my dream I’d never been to before (although in real life, I have) and I got there all extra early. There was a guy in the parking lot that went to the Church and began chatting/flirting with me as soon as I got out of the car. He led me to a room where Sunday School was about to be held. During class, he kept telling me how much he liked me. He’d appear and disappear from the class every so often. After Sunday School, there was about a 30 minute wait before Church and I could see the McDonalds from the hallway, so I was contemplating on getting some hot cakes (why I’m always trying to eat in my dreams? lol) and out of nowhere he appeared. He tried to kiss me and was all up on me. For some reason, I actually kinda liked i t. The Church secretary’s desk was kinda close to us and she was coming towards it. When he saw her, he rushed to talk to her. I shrugged and left. When I got in my car, he was sitting on the passenger side. It freaked me out so I somehow got him out, but he kept trying to get back in. I sped off. On the way to McDonalds, (which now was quite a drive away) I heard on the radio that this man had killed the secretary lady. They said she was his girlfriend.

I was confused because he kept trying to get with me and he kept telling me he wanted me. Then I went to his house (don’t know why I knew where he lived. I think we were together then. you know how dreams are) and looked in this box of stuff he had and saw old pictures of her. For some reason, I had seen these pics before, but never put two and two together. He had told me that she was his ex. But apparently not. Then I woke up.

*blink* WTF?

Too much craziness.

I’m kind of wondering if I’m dreaming about crazy stuff because I’m thinking about crazy stuff before I go to bed. I mean, I’m not ever thinking of murder or break ins or anything like that….but my mind, especially last night, seems to run a thousand miles before I can finally go to sleep.

Last night I had sort of a breakdown before bed.

You ever have those days where the weight of the world just suddenly seem to land on your shoulders?

Well that was me last night. It started when I opened some mail from my student loan people and it said that I still owe about $80,000.

I’ve been paying them for YEARS and I still owe someone $80,000?

I kinda got depressed because I knew that if I don’t marry rich or win the lotto soon, I’ll be paying these people for the REST OF MY LIFE! There is no end to it. And if I don’t pay them, they’re going to try to take me to court to garnish my freaking check. I felt so hopeless. Then started taking a step back from the day to day and really looking at my life.

The happiness I felt just 30 minutes before slowly started fading. I have soooo many bills! And I make jack squat compared to the debt I owe. Will I ever be able to get myself out of this hole? Then of course I started panicking and obsessing about it all.

Thinking about the fact that I ‘m afraid to get a house in my name because if something happens and I start missing payments, I’m afraid they’ll take my house.
And speaking of living arrangements, I absolutely HATE the fact that I’m moving back with my parents. The closer it gets to the date, the more it feels like doomsday. She’s already too much to bear and I don’t live there. Moving back is going to do nothing but make it worse. But I need to plan my finances better and not having the responsibility of a mortgage or rent will help tremendously. Although I’ll still be paying rent, and probably having to give her money because she’s got a spending problem. See…that situation wouldn’t really be helping me would it? It’s already stressing me. So what do I do? Should I look for a cheaper apartment? I don't have time. Besides, I'm trying to save, not spend. My goal is to stay with them for a year. Hopefully by then, I can correct the financial mistakes I made last year and start over. It's the most sound decision when taking about paying off debt.

But just thinking about living with my mom made me cry like a 5 year old. I love her to death but she gets on my last nerves!

Then of course I’m thinking about the fact that none of this would matter to me if was where I once was in my faith in God. Being in this state of uncertainty about the nature my relationship with God and my quest for the truth has left me quite depressed. I hate not knowing things. I hate not having that blind bold faith that all will be well. I hate that I don’t trust God like I once did. I want to get back there, but I don’t know how. I need His help and while I won’t say He’s not giving it to me, because I don’t know if He is, I can’t feel it yet.

And my Church situation is not helping. I literally loathe going to that Church. Then why go, you ask?

Because it's easy. Well it was. My parents were there, I have some girlfriends there. I know people. I don't have to look for new churches and get lost trying to find them, hoping I'm on time, filling out millions of visitor's cards and having to go by myself. It's much easier to just drive over to my parents house and get in the car with them, sit through 3 hours of service and be done for the week. And I know once i move back, it's going to be even more "convenient".

But I don't like it there. So I'm now stressing over trying to find a new church. Which is going to be weird once I get back to my parents house. They don't believe in missing Church. EVER. So even if I wanted to sit out a week or two. It couldn't happen there. Which adds even more stress. I hate "having" to do something I don't want to do. I hate being told what I "have" to do. I'm grown. I should be able to make my own decisions. And I feel that I can't when I live with them.


So I just feel stuck. And helpless. And stupid. And confused. About my spiritual life, about my finances, about Usher and the fact that I’m in love with a man I’m not sure I’ll ever marry, about the fact that I asked my job a year and a half ago for a title change (and raise) and have heard nothing back, about where to go to Church and if I really want to even go every week, about the fact that while I have a few girlfriends, I don’t feel close enough to any of them to dump all my problems on them, and about the fact that I have no idea how to change any of this right now.


*closing my eyes, rubbing my temples and taking deep breaths*

Yeah. So that's where I am.

I had to it off my chest.

You know... deep down inside, after I have my panic attacks and breakdowns, I really do feel like everything will work itself out.

Wierd?

I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening.

Excuse me, I think we accidentally switched lives. Can I have mine back?

What a week! *plopping down at my desk*

I have been BUSY!!!!! My immediate boss has an upper respiratory infection and has been on sick leave since monday. Since I'm next in line on the command chain, I've had to take over her share of the work for tomorrow's meeting with the Higher Ups. Blah! She always seem to get sick around the time major projects are taking place. She knows what she's doing. *rolling my eyes at her empty chair*

Anywho....I've just finished our department's presentation and sent the powerpoint slides up to the top floor's EA. Done! And an hour early I might add.

Today has been one of those days. I haven't talked about what's been going on this last week with Usher. I know I briefly mentioned he was having some problems on his job. Well... I still won't mention what happened to protect the guil...err...innocent. But he had to go to jail today. Yes I said jail. JAIL! *sigh*

It's not thaaaat serious. But if you ask me, anytime you have to go to jail, it's serious. It's over the craziest thing really...and I know he'll be out either tonight or tomorrow since he turned himself in. But the fact he had to go to jail over some STUPID (i mean stuuuuuupid) stuff just urks me. This whole thing could have been avoided and I am soooo over it.

But anyways...sorry I can't tell you guys about it. Just feel it would be better for all parties if the story wasn't mentioned. Anywho... he called me about 20498230982423.9 times before going in at 1 to tell me everything I need to do in case they set a bail for him to get out instead of just letting him out on his own. *yawn*
I'm tired already. I don't wanna go to no one's freakin jail and wait for my boyfriend to get out. This is soooo not the kind of life I wanna live. So I've fussed at him already and he promised that he wont get himself into this situation again.

Anywho... it's been kind of stressful dealing with this mess for a week. Police woes, job woes, money woes...it's too much.

Then my mother... *sigh*. Lord, that's a whole different set of problems. Sometimes I feel like I'm the parent and it just shouldn't be. I haven't seen anyone as old as she make so many financial mistakes. I don't even know if I can still call them mistakes. More like bad habits. She's starting to irritate me now.
Like I vented before, my folks are in bad financial shape. They've been struggling for a while and I try to help them when I can. Well, last month, for the first time in a while, my mother didn't ask me for money. I was happy. I thought that all my help must have paid off and they were finally back on their feet. What helped my assumption was the fact that every saturday, my mom was at the mall buying her a new outfit for Church. I've told ya'll my mom is a leo. We some flashy folks...us leos. lol So, my mom is always decked out. Nothing but the best for her. I know each suit she bought was over $200 because that's just how she is. So i'm like, cool... they're doing good. *shrug*

Um, no.

Last night
8:30pm
home phone rings

Me: Hey ma!
Her: Hey princess. You got company?
Me: Nope. Just me. What's up?
Her: Uh...nothing *voice changing* um...you get paid this week right?
Me: *dang!* Yeah (i know where this is going)
Her: Good *sighing with relief* Um do you have to pay alot of bills this week because I need
some money.
Me: Umm...well yeah I do have to pay alot. How much you need?
Her: How much can you spare?
Me: None. You know things are tight for me right now. I give you some bill money if you just
need it right now, then you can give it back when you get paid so I can pay the bill.
Will that work?
Her: Well I guess it will have to. Just let me know how much you can spare on friday.
Me: *frustrated* Alright.

Why does she do this???? If she wasn't going out to eat and buying new outfits everyweek for the last month, she'd have more than enough money to take care of whatever it is she need my money for. It's soooo frustrating. Then she mentioned the other day that she bought this thing from online that is supposed to be a system to help you learn how to read faster.

Now... I'm not one to discourage self-improvement, but this ish cost about $150.

When you got bills.... this is the LAST thing your behind need to be buying. It could have waited. And instead of controlling her spending, she calls ME to come help her out and she know I'm struggling my darn self. Shoot! She seen my hair...it's a mess. My nails look ragedy. I have no idea what a mall look like. Cuz I'm not spending money I don't have right now. Yet she do what she wanna do, then get in a bind and ask me for money.

I AM FURIOUS! This has GOT TO STOP!!!!!

But I don't know how to tell her. Usher says I'm a lollipop (ie: sucker) when it comes to my mom. He's probably right. But I just can't bring myself to talk to her because all she gonna do is remind me of all of the 30403948 u times she sacrificed for me during my years of living there and etc.
But I gotta tell her. I'll pray on an effective way to tell her that she's a freakin nut and she has a spending problem. *whoooooosaaaahhhhh* lol

Anyways... I should go. I gotta go home and get ready to bail my retarded boyfriend out of jail. Later.

Everyday there's a Miracle

Man,

days like this I really wish I wouldn't have downgraded my phone. I sure needed my picture phone today. I felt like such an outcast.

For those of you who live in Ga, I'm sure you've heard about the tornados that hit Atlanta this weekend. Well I work in Downtown Atlanta and judging from the weekend news, I figured that our building would be completely wrecked. My building, like many of the ones down here, is a completely glass structure. After seeing how devastating the CNN building and the Phillips Arena parking lot was, I was soooooo sure our building was demolished. I usually walk to the CNN building for lunch, that's how close I am to it. I kept wanting the camera man to do a nice panoramic view of where he was because I knew I'd easily be able to see my building, but he never did. Last night after dinner, My parents, Usher, and I sat in the living room and watched the news again when it dawned on me that I may not have to work today if my building is all messed up. With excitement I ran to the computer to see if there was any updates.

Miraculously, our building was unscathed. Work would resume as normal.

How's that possible? I wondered. I'm sure there are a few windows broken. *shrug*

When I got in this morning, the whole situation was sooooo uncanny. I went to get my morning tea and looked out the window over downtown. I was up close and personal with the aftereffects of the tornado. It's one thing to see on television, but another to look out your window. The huge olympic torches were down in centennial park. (These are 2 of the torches I'm talking about. One is by the blue patch.)





And the CNN center had sooo many windows boarded up since the tornado blew out almost all of them. The Westin was looking a mess. The Tabernacle was completely demolished. It looked crazy.

At noon, my co-worker and I decided to get an even closer look. We strolled down the street we've walked up and down so many times and felt like visitors to a new place. There were so many people out on the streets looking around in awe just like we were. Channel 2, 5 and 46 were out videotaping everything. Everyone had their digital cameras and camera phones out looking up at the holes where windows once were. I look at my building....there's not one window out.

Amazing. The building to the right of us had windows out everywhere...the park to the other side of us had trees uprooted, columns down, fences bent. Our building...Perfect.


I was fascinated by it all. How can every building around mine be affected and our completely glass building stand without one window broken?


Wild huh?



Makes for great lesson:


Your fate is not always determined by what's going on around you.

Even when everything else is broken, you can come out of the storm with out so much as a scratch.

The weakest structure can withstand the strongest forces when God protects it.



Happy Monday everyone.

Skip Day

So I played hookey from work yesterday. My parents are such bad influences. Monday I get a call at work from my mom to say that she and my dad won’t be reachable for a few hours (in case I called) because they were going to the movies. I look at the clock.

It’s 1:50 in the freakin afternoon!!!

Um…*blink* Don’t ya’ll neegro’s need to be at work?

“We’re playing hookey” my mom laughs into the phone.

They are so crazy! lol They are the cutest couple. Still playing hookey to go out on dates… and they have been married for over half of their lives. It’s cute.

But err um, I was salty that no one told me that Monday was national skip day. 5 people from my office called in that day as well. Boo everyone!

I’ll show them.


*cough, cough* Uh… yeah. I won’t be in today. *cough* Okay see you tomorrow. Click!

Aaahhhh! Free at last!

I slept until about noon and got up only to sit on my couch and open all the windows and blinds and stare out into the beautiful world before me. I love days like this. No plans. No “to do’s”.

I wish that I took off like this last friday after my two little babies (my cousin's kids) came to visit me the night before. From the time those little rugrats came in the door they were taking off their coats and chasing me around the living room. At 1.5 and 3, they have waaaay more energy than I do and I soon became dizzy and tired. My feet hurt! Ouch! Which one of ya'll lil people stepped on my foot?!?! Why are you hitting my thigh? Did you just jump on my stomach? For 4 hours they beat the crap out of me. I needed a rest day then. But I'll take it today. It's cool.

At about 2, Usher calls me to ask me why I wasn’t at work.

“I wanted to play hookey.” I whined.

“Well look, both of us can’t be losing our job. You better take yo’ butt to work”. He says jokingly.

I didn’t think it was funny.

Usher had called me the night before saying that he’d been suspended from his job for 2 days for something I refuse to talk about on here. I listened to his story while watching American Idol and shook my head.

Is this chile EVER going to grow up. I told him that in a few years he’ll be 40…this kind of behavior is just unacceptable.

He got a little pissed at me because “as his girl, I should have his back, not fuss at him like I’m his momma.”

This pissed me off a little because I’d loooove to have his back and not act like his momma, but to do that, I need him to stop acting like a child.

Anyways… we squashed it the night before and I said a little prayer hoping that he didn’t get fired behind this stupid stuff.

“So…since you off… lets go to that Fish and Shrimp place today. You dressed or you sitting around there naked?”

I smile. I can’t help that one of my guilty pleasures is to be naked all the time when I’m alone. What I need clothes for? Of course anytime he stops by with someone unannounced, he calls me while walking up to the door and tells me to put on some clothes cause he KNOW I don’t have on any. Sometimes it's kinda embarrassing. People looking at me all crosseyed like they wanna ask...why you sitting in here naked?

Cause i like it. Shoot! It's my place...And????

Usher's used to it. He just make sure he calls before just opening the front door to give me time to put something on.

“Sway, you the only chick I know that like to walk around naked all the time.”

*shrug* It’s just my thing. I make sure I sit on my own personal fleece blanket so no one is exposed to anything they don’t wanna be when they sit on my furniture. lol I like to be naked, but I'm not nasty! lol Okay TMI.

Anywho… I shower and throw on my favorite wig and I’m out. It was such a gorgeous day yesterday. I threw on my stunner shades and let the wind almost blow my wig off on the expressway. Whoops!

I really hope this food is good. This is our 3rd time trying to go. The first time was two Friday’s ago when he moved, but it was closed by the time we got over there. Then we planned to go last Sunday after Church, but it's closed on Sundays. Dang…when is this place open?

So we went to Red Lobster instead. We had a great time together Sunday. He took me to the Ghetto Mall up the street from him (ie. South Dekalb Mall for those in Ga) and we bought some crazy t-shirts to show our hood-ness. lol Then we stopped at Dairy Queen because I was whining about wanting dessert. I was a happy camper after that. :)

Anyway, I get to his house yesterday and he’s standing at the door with some multi colored-boxers, navy blue church socks pulled up his calves like somebody’s granddaddy, and a small apple-juice box. He looked retarded! I was in tears!

“Why are you looking like that?”

He’s silly. I hope he finally gets his act together because his dream of being a comedian could really work. He’s just silly for no reason.

He throws on something and we head to the Fish and Shrimp place.

It’s open! What a miracle. He orders a 4 pc. Whiting, and 20 shrimp for us.

When I say that those were the BEST SHRIMP I’ve ever had…I am soooo not kidding. My mouth is watering just thinking about them. These fried jumbo shrimp needed NOTHING. No ketchup, cocktail sauce or tartar sauce. I had to bite one shrimp about 3 or 4 times just to finish it. Whew! I gotta get back there.

Anywho…we kinda hung out for the rest of the day and had crazy conversations about dating someone vs. being married, mari.ju.ana, washing clothes, and who we thought was the prettiest of the girls on ANTM. We’re random. What can I say.

Overall, it was a pretty nice day. I was happy that I played hookey. Now I’m back to the drawing board. *sigh* Good thing tomorrow’s Friday. :) Woo-hooo!

You can't tell me He doesn't come through

Thank GOD it's friday!!!!

You guys just don't know. These last two weeks have been very trying financially speaking. I get paid every other week and on payday 2 fridays ago, I knew I was in trouble.

I gotta stop getting myself into these situations.

My folks have been going through a rough financial time. My mom lost her job last year and was out of work for a little over 6 months. During that time, their bills accured so much that even when she did start working, they were very behind on their bills. Well me being their only child and loving them the way I do, hated to see them struggling...even though I wasn't balling myself. I had 2 jobs and was making enough to pay my own bills and store a small stash away for the "just in case". Well...even though I wasn't experiencing any "rainy days" personally, my family was and I started helping them out by sliding them money every week or two.

Unfortunately, some unexpected stuff came up last month and I had no "extra money" to take care of that plus all my bills...which led me to be late on some stuff.

So here I am 2 fridays ago, looking at my check and my "to pay" bills and I have negative $53 to take care of everything. And this isn't including food, gas or my MARTA card for the train. I took a deep breath and paid all the "musts" first. Rent, Insurance...etc. But 2 weeks without money was going to be hard. Usher was moving and all his money was tied up in that. My parents are just now getting on their feet enough to call themselves "caught up". All my friends are struggling too. It was just one of those hard times. I couldn't see how everything was going to get paid. I couldn't see how I was going to get to work with no gas or card. I didn't know what I was going to eat. I only had about 4 days of food in my place and I needed at least 13 days worth.

But God is good.

I'm still amazed at how He multiplied my pennies and allowed EVERYTHING to be paid ON TIME, my gas tank is full, and I haven't missed one meal these past two weeks.

Ask me how.

I can only just point up to God. I literally have NO IDEA how He did it. lol
I can add and subtract just fine. I've looked over and over at my check, my checking account, my bills...and every day all day it adds up to me having -$53. But everything is paid. lol

I may be confused about alot of things.
But the Goodness of God isn't one.
He's still working miracles.

Have a Happy Friday Ya'll!
It's payday! *whew*

I think...

...I’m bi-polar.

One day I’m in a super friggin good mood for no apparent reason, and the next day I’m just down in the dumps. That’s not normal is it?

It’s like… I dunno, my hormones are playing an april fools joke on me every day. I get up and have no idea how I’m going to be feeling by the time I get home. It’s kinda crazy.

Anyways… it’s Wednesday and the IT guy just came by my desk to give me a new computer. I’ve been computer-less since noon yesterday and I've been bored out of my mind! I didn’t realize how much of my work requires me to be on my PC. My junk just froze yesterday when I was about to go to I-Tunes and wouldn’t cut off. I finally cut the power source and waited a few before cutting the source back on. My computer didn’t reboot. I stared at a black screen for 15 minutes before calling the IT guy. Shoot! I hate computer problems. The IT guy came by and did a few tricks.

Nothing.

He wrinkled his brow and finally decided to take my junk back to his lab for tests.

Great. *sigh* I spent the remainder of the day cleaning my desk, strolling around the office, bothering my co-workers who were trying to work, and watching the clock. By the end of the day, I still had no computer. I figured he’d be done before morning.

Wrong.

I spent the entire first half of today thumbing through magazines and re-organizing my pencils. It was a mess. I was sooooo happy when he came back carrying my PC. Only…it wasn’t my PC.

Please don’t tell me I lost everything!!!

Good news is that he took my hard drive from my old computer and put into this new one. So I have all my pics, and files… and documents.


Whew!

So I’m finally back in business. Hooray!

Of course my first order of business was to blog. Not that I have much to blog about. But do I ever? lol

The weekend was cool. Usher moved Friday.
I doubt he reads my blog, but it almost felt like he did. He asked me Thursday night if I wanted to come when he moved his stuff. Not that I could help much anyways because I’m a little wuss when it comes to moving heavy furniture…but the fact that he asked made me feel… Special. *blushing*

I asked him what time he was going and prepared myself to go in to work early so that I could take off early without having to use any of my personal time (PTO days).

I get home around 1:30pm and change into something more comfortable. I figured I could lend a hand once he’s moved in by decorating or cleaning, or helping him with his clothes. I sit in my recliner and look out the window. It is such a beautiful day. Perfect weather for moving. My place is quiet except for the faint chirps from birds outside. I open a book and continue where I left off the day before. I am zapped out of my story an hour later by my cell. A breathless Usher asks me if I can hurry to his old apartment asap! I fling my book, pick up my keys and cell and quickly dash out the door. I had no idea that the rest of the day was going to go just like that. I probably used an entire tank of gas that evening: His old place, back to my place, to his friends place, to his new place, to his Mom’s house, back to his old place, to his friends place, back to my place, to his friends place again, and finally…his new place. CRAZY!

Anyways, upon getting to his place the first time, we sit in the office as a heavy set older lady begins skimming through the lease papers. She looks from me to him as she explains things. While he’s signing the papers she studies me for a second.

“You guys make a really nice couple. But if he gives you any trouble, you let me know. I’m an ex-marine.” She says sternly, then allows a haggard smile to creep to the left side of her lips.

She walks us over to his new place and gives us a quick walk through of the place. It was spacious. Upstairs and down. Nice floorplan. I thought to myself.

“Okay sir, if you’ll sign here stating that we did a walk through today, I’ll give you your keys and we’re done” She said.


It was already close to 5 and my stomach was growling. I hadn’t eaten anything all day!
We’re in my old 'hood now, so I know where all the good spots are. I planned to take him to get some fried fish as soon as everything was moved in.

“Here Sway.” Usher said as he held 2 keys out to me. “In case I lock myself out or something.” He smiled jokingly.

I smiled back.

I wasn’t expecting keys. I figured he’d give his extras to his best friend. I’m always talking about how gay they are and how they are really the ones in the relationship. But nevertheless, I got the keys. Maybe things are changing after all.

We move in the small stuff while waiting on his cousin to come and help with the bed and living room suites.

The cable guy came while they were moving and so did Usher’s friend Mike. He already had a party going on and hadn’t been in his new place for a good 3 hours yet.

Around 7:30, I thought I was going to die of hunger. His friend and cousin finally left after Usher had everything situated perfectly and the cable was up and running.

“I know you hungry, but I gotta go by my momma’s house to pick up something. We can go to that fish and shrimp spot I told you about last time. Is that cool?”

All I heard was fish and I was sold.

We drive 30 minutes to his folks house and they were eating tuna sandwiches.

“If I knew ya’ll were coming, I would have cooked something.” His mom says while fixing us both a sandwich. I was grateful.


We all chatted for a while and finally we were on our way. I could taste the fish as we head towards the restaurant.


Closed.


Dang we must have stayed at his folks house longer than we thought. We finish running errands and finally ordered Chinese food later on that evening.
As we settled down, we realized that none of us remembered to get soap. Before long, we had a whole list of things he needed and we found ourselves at Club Walmart at 2:30 in the morning. To make it even worse, there was actually a line.

“Dang, why everybody out this late?” I mumble while frowning at the massive lines bulging from both open lanes.

We fight to stay awake and finally make it back to his place.

“So you wanted to spend your first night here with me huh? You can’t keep away can ya?” I joke.

As soon as our heads hit the pillow, we are both out like a light. He had work the next day, and I was heading to my folks house to spend the day with them. I’ve decided to move back home and save some money once my lease is up. Renting sucks. I figure next time I move, it’ll be into my own house. At least that’s my plan.

People always say, “If you wanna hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.”
We’ll see. *shrug*

Saturday came and went way too fast. I skipped Church on Sunday. I was supposed to go visit Free Spirit, but felt the weight of the last few days pressing on me. I needed a day of rest. What better day than Sunday.

I really enjoyed my “me” time. I love living alone. And just think, Usher and I actually discussed moving in together last year. Like…he was...uh...we were serious. I found out a lot about myself after that conversation because contrary to how I thought I’d feel if he ever asked me to move in, I was really apprehensive about it. I guess I realized that I’m not ready for that yet.

Well…I’ve lollygagged long enough. Guess I need to get to work. Later.