A few months back I posed some questions (here) that I’ve been pondering for the last few years of my life… and I got two of them answered last night.
**Flashback**
After TD and I broke up last September due to his move to Texas and our unwillingness to even TRY a long distance relationship…I began to realize how bad we were together. I’ve written a few posts about him over the months so I won’t go back over how crazy in love I was with this guy whom I knew just wasn’t right for me. Around that time I started listening to Syleena J’s Chapter 2 CD. I’m talking about I was really feeling her. That doggone CD stayed in heavy rotation until like the end of December (which is when AM and I had started getting kinda close) But the funny thing about it is that I would only play the CD up to about track # 8. I mean those tracks were just so on point with what I was feeling I kept them on repeat day in and day out.
My two favorite songs were I’m Gon Cry and Is That You. (Check the lyrics out.) Man…those were my ANTHEMS for like 3 months! I mean she took the words right out of my mouth ya know? I’d be in my car just bobbin my head, waving my hand and singing/screaming the words to "Is That You” like some gentlemen callers were right there in front of me. Then in December I met AM and he made me forgot all about Ms. Syleena and her songs. It wasn’t until last week after thinking about Anthony that I decided to dust off my “ole favorite” and get to playing my “I’m Gon Cry” song. I mean when I thought about him… all her lyrics just came right to mind. So for the last week I been jamming to it.
**Flashforward**
Well… somehow yesterday I forgot to put my songs on repeat and I started to wander waaaaaaay past track 8 and before I knew it… I was getting into all her love songs. I can’t remember what I was thinking about but when I came to and realized what I was listening to… I started frowning and in my grumpiest Mr. Grinch voice I was like… “what I 'm listening to this fo? Hmph” So I started to cut it off... when this song came on and caught me something terrible. Then when it went off and I tried to turn it off then another one came on and caught me even more. I mean it got me right there in the middle of my throat where if I even TRIED to breathe too deep or talk I would just burst into sobs. My eyes started to swell up with tears I refused to let fall… I couldn’t believe how incredibly beautiful her songs “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” were. Anybody ever heard them? Man… my mind started wandering around to every guy I’ve ever loved. It’s the kind of song that made me wish I were in love JUST so I could play those songs to him and hummm along with her. I couldn’t believe how much I was FEELING THOSE SONGS.
I realized that even in the midst of pseudo bitterness and singleness…I’m still in love. I’ve realized I that I am soooo in love with love. I LOVE love. I love how love makes me feel. I love love songs… love poems… love smells… love grins.. heart flutters…eye stares… synchronized breathin… hand holding…ear whispers…ooohh…I just love the way I feel when I’m in love. I miss listening to songs like "No Words" and "Guitars of the Heart (Happy)" in the car and having ppl look at me funny b/c I’m smiling like an idiot even though no one’s in the car with me. I miss thinking about that special someone while the song’s spinning and then giving them the biggest hug and kiss the next time I see them just b/c I’ve been thinking about how wonderful they make me feel. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH LOVE.
I must have listened to this song about 12 times in a row yesterday before crying (okay I do get really emotional and sentimental during that time of month) my little eyes out cause I miss love so much.
That’s when TD called me. I told ya’ll he was comin to town didn’t I? Talkin about timing. That’s about the last thing I needed right then. A guy I was crazy in love with calling me to tell me he misses me and wants to see me right at the very time that I’m missin love and really wanting to feel it again. This could be disasterous. I mean Syleena said it best....
"No we can't be friends /Cause when I talk to you I catch them old feelings/It might make me want ya back/When it's dangerous to want ya back…"
I couldn’t talk to him then… not when I’m feeling so vulnerable… so malleable. I was in trouble.
We talked for a while before he asked me to come over to the house cuz a lot of his folks was there to see him and he really wanted me there too. Against the wishes of the “logical/sensible” side of me I went. The whole time I thought about how bad of an idea this was. I thought about how easily I’d fall if he just blew a little on me… and I didn’t wanna experience another heartbreak. But yet I didn’t turn around. And when I stepped out of my car… I just wasn’t ready for the kind of welcome he greeted me with. I wasn’t prepared for the new TD. I mean… he was the kind of guy that just took me for granted when we were together. But for the last few months… he’s really seemed to have a change of heart. It’s like it finally hit him that I was a good girlfriend. I guess it is true… you don’t miss a good thang til it’s gone. And maybe absense DO make the heart grow fonder.
Anyway… when he saw me…he gave me the biggest hug and forehead kiss (which has been my kiss of choice since I was 14) known to man. He had these yellow roses (which are my favorite EVER) in his hand and gave them to me….which of course made me turn red. Then he just kept hugging me and looking at me with the biggest grin on his face. He said I looked great. He did too actually. He put on a few pounds and it was REALLY working for him. I commented to him that at least he got a woman over in Texas that’s feeding him good. He laughed it off… but we both know he does. And I’m cool with that.
For the entire night we kicked it with the rest of his friends… had a few drinks.. told a few jokes… shot the breeze and etc. It was great. He made me feel incredible. Completely different from anything I remember about him. He held my hand the hold night. People were coming in left and right.. and he was all over the place.. talking to this one.. huggin that one… giving directions on the phone to this one…and introducing that one to the other one… and during it all… he held my hand. I never left his side. For that one night…he was the guy I wanted to sing “No Words” and “Guitars of the Heart (Happy)” to. For that one night… he made my tears go away. For that one night… I got to feel the love I’ve been missing and craving. Even though Sunday he’s going back to Texas and I’ll still be here in Atlanta…
and by next week we’ll be nothing but a mere afterthought in each other’s mind... Last night, he was my love. And he was just what the doctor ordered. He was my Motrin… my advil… my temporary fix. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t know what next week will hold… or even the week after that… but as for right now… I’m happy that I felt what I felt. Right now... I’m happy.
It truly IS better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Inter.rupted
Well… I was all excited about spending my week long vacation next week in Myrtle Beach. My friend TJ and I reserved a nice oceanfront suite with 2 balconies… one in the bedroom and one in the living room. I was literally counting down the days (8 days, 3hours, and 14minutes) until we rode off into the sunset heading towards the beach. Well unfortunately TJ’s grandfather was just admitted into the hospital the other day and the doctors found brain tumors… yes TUMORSSSS… and all grandpa had to say was … “Listen here…I’m 75 years old and ain't nobody poked no holes in my brain yet… and they ain't gone start now.”
Of course TJ’s family are all worried because he has so many tumors and no one knows just how long he has to live… so TJ called me yesterday to tell me that he needs to go back home to Arkansas to see grandpa. Even though he said he’d be back in time to go to Myrtle Beach… I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. We wouldn’t be able to have as much fun as I’d like while thinking about Grandpa and his tumors. So we cancelled all our reservations and I’ll just be sitting around the house all week for my burrrrthay.
I was REALLY hurt about it last night though. I really wanted to just get away ya know? So much has happened in the last month …some of which I’ve blogged on…others of which I have pretty much kept to myself… but I NEEDED this vacation. I needed to fall asleep in the arms of a friend while letting the sound of the melodic ocean waves sooth my every worry. I really NEEDED to think about nothing but finding unbroken sea shells in the sand and only worrying about if the bottom of my pants are getting wet from walking along beach shore. I actually cried last night because I wanted to go away that bad. I mean there are other people I could have went with and other things I can still do, but I dunno. It was just something special about TJ and I going… together… at this time in our lives. He says we can go next month maybe…but I don’t think it’ll be the same. I’ll get over it though. As you can tell… I don’t deal with “change of plans” too well. I think that was my biggest problem… I don’t like surpises… I don’t like changes to what I feel are perfect plans. You’d think by now I’d be used to it. But it’s just something I can’t get used to. I dunno.
I really hope grandpa feels better though. I sincerely do. Gone.
Of course TJ’s family are all worried because he has so many tumors and no one knows just how long he has to live… so TJ called me yesterday to tell me that he needs to go back home to Arkansas to see grandpa. Even though he said he’d be back in time to go to Myrtle Beach… I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. We wouldn’t be able to have as much fun as I’d like while thinking about Grandpa and his tumors. So we cancelled all our reservations and I’ll just be sitting around the house all week for my burrrrthay.
I was REALLY hurt about it last night though. I really wanted to just get away ya know? So much has happened in the last month …some of which I’ve blogged on…others of which I have pretty much kept to myself… but I NEEDED this vacation. I needed to fall asleep in the arms of a friend while letting the sound of the melodic ocean waves sooth my every worry. I really NEEDED to think about nothing but finding unbroken sea shells in the sand and only worrying about if the bottom of my pants are getting wet from walking along beach shore. I actually cried last night because I wanted to go away that bad. I mean there are other people I could have went with and other things I can still do, but I dunno. It was just something special about TJ and I going… together… at this time in our lives. He says we can go next month maybe…but I don’t think it’ll be the same. I’ll get over it though. As you can tell… I don’t deal with “change of plans” too well. I think that was my biggest problem… I don’t like surpises… I don’t like changes to what I feel are perfect plans. You’d think by now I’d be used to it. But it’s just something I can’t get used to. I dunno.
I really hope grandpa feels better though. I sincerely do. Gone.
Friday, July 16, 2004
It's da weekend baby!!!!!!!
Okay I don't think anyone really knows how SUPER FREAKIN CRUNK I am right now because it's Friday!! I am sooo happy. I feel like just skippin around the office a couple of times and beatboxin just for the heck of it. I mean really... I've been in kind of a slump lately. Partly because of all the bull jive Anthony caused....and also partly becuase I was mad at myself for getting into a relationship with him in the first place. See... i've been told everything about the young man that I'm supposed to marry except his name. I mean VERY specific things... Which half of them Anthony did NOT have/do. BUT...he was soooo friggin nice and all, so I ignored the "word" i heard and start clingin to him. However, I've let it go...(oh yeah btw, i called yesterday to tell him i rethought this friendship thing and i didn't think it was such a good idea...so we should just keep it at goodbye.)
I feel SOOOO much better now. Plus my buuuuuuuurrrthay is coming up 2 fridays from now...which IS a payday and I am ready to blow that ENTIRE wad on somethin. Yesssssss siiirrrr! I'm sooo ready. I have so much energy right now... i kinda feel like Phil LaMarr as the "UBS" man on Mad TV. I guess it's good that hardly no one's here today so if I do just spring outta my seat and take a lap around the ole office... i won't get any weird stares. lol
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~* ~*!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I feel SOOOO much better now. Plus my buuuuuuuurrrthay is coming up 2 fridays from now...which IS a payday and I am ready to blow that ENTIRE wad on somethin. Yesssssss siiirrrr! I'm sooo ready. I have so much energy right now... i kinda feel like Phil LaMarr as the "UBS" man on Mad TV. I guess it's good that hardly no one's here today so if I do just spring outta my seat and take a lap around the ole office... i won't get any weird stares. lol
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~* ~*!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At times when I'm lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it's time to
My heart's dictionary defines you,
it's love and happiness
Truthfully it's hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain't gon' keep you,
but as my equal it's how I must treat you
As my reflection in light I'ma lead you
And whatever's right, I'ma feed you
Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace
-Common, The Light
So yeah... I was listening to 107.9 this morning and they were talking about sex and how important is it in a relationship. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to hear a lot of the responses the callers had because I was close to work by the time I changed the station to 107.9. Anyways... I was wondering what any of you guys thought about it. They were saying that single ppl and married ppl have different views on the importance of sex as well as the minimum amount of times per week a couple should have sex. It was a pretty interesting topic...and I was wondering if anyone had anything to say about it?
I've always thought of sex as important in a relationship but I wouldn't have ranked it a 10 out of 10... not even a 9 out of 10. But I dunno... I mean after listening to some of the reasoning ppl gave for their high scores and looking at my own experiences in relationships...I'm beginning to wonder...
I go through phases. Well not really phases because I ALWAYS wanna have sex... it's just that now I'm at the point in my life where I've been focusing more on pleasing God and trying to lead a celibate life... (i say trying because over the last 3 years... I have given in and had sex in a few of my relationships which leads to major cognitive dissonance and I end up screwing up the relationship b/c the hardest thing to do is tell a guy you've given it to that he can no longer get it..but ya'll can still kick it.)
So anyway... looking back on my relationships I've noticed some things. Here's my take on the situation.
What I thought would happen if I gave it up to a young man within what... a month or so.
~ I always figured that the guys who wanted to rush into sex and who I would have sex with within a month of dating would pretty much get bored because he's caught the prey...the chase was over and now it's on to the new. I've heard stories about the hit it and split it guy...so this was a big fear of mine. I couldn't let it happen to me. I also figured that a guy that wouldn't wait for me at least 2 months probably only wanted sex anyway.
What did happen when I did give it up.
~Um.. what I've found (and by no means am i saying this is law or anything) is that the men I've had sex with within the first month of our relationship generally stayed around MUCH longer than those I didn't have sex with within the first month..or at all. I also noticed that I developed feelings much faster and more intense than i did with the guys I didn't have a sexual relationship with. Now at first I was thinking... well obviously I'd feel a more intense feelings for them... I'm with them longer. We share more... yada yada... but even when I look at how I felt at lets say the 2 month period with the sex and non sex guy... I see that I still felt way more strongly about the sex guy. So I would have to say... sex does matter alot more than I ever gave credit.
What I thought would happen if I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~ Well I thought that delayin the layin would help my chances of getting to really know a guy and lettin him get to know me. I figured it would weed out the guys only in the game to get booty and leave me the ones willing to 1. be patient.... 2. be in a real committed relationship and 3. really get to know all of me.
What actually happened when I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~They ALL left before 3 months was up. lol. I haven't had nonsexual relationship with ANYONE over 3 months. And what surprised me is that while yes... some of them really were in it only for the booty... a lot of the guys may not have been. I mean some of them had a LOT to offer. There were some really nice, spiritual, attractive, drama free, "i got my ish together", brothas I was dating...but they just couldn't handle the celibacy thang. I'm almost 99.9 % sure that if I did give it up to some of these brothas in this category....or at least gave them the hope that when the time was right i would (instead of NEVA unless you marry me) ...i would have had some wonderfully rewarding relationships.
I think it's important to weed out the "i want booty" guys from the "i want a relationship in which there's some booty givin going on" guys. What I did was weed out all guys. lol (well thusfar anyways)
MY REVELATION
If the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time, or forever (marriage) literally terrifies the heart of many many MANY good men... then how much more would the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time WITHOUT SEX send surges of pure terror and disgust in the hearts and minds of these same men?
I think that some of the men didn't stay around b/c that thought of "never gettin it" got the best of them... I may be wrong... I don't claim to know anything about men... but this is my theory about my experiences... So what's a girl to do?
When do you think it's safe to give it up.. since giving it up too fast may produce bad effects...but not giving it up ever may produce bad effects as well...?????????
So yeah... I was listening to 107.9 this morning and they were talking about sex and how important is it in a relationship. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to hear a lot of the responses the callers had because I was close to work by the time I changed the station to 107.9. Anyways... I was wondering what any of you guys thought about it. They were saying that single ppl and married ppl have different views on the importance of sex as well as the minimum amount of times per week a couple should have sex. It was a pretty interesting topic...and I was wondering if anyone had anything to say about it?
I've always thought of sex as important in a relationship but I wouldn't have ranked it a 10 out of 10... not even a 9 out of 10. But I dunno... I mean after listening to some of the reasoning ppl gave for their high scores and looking at my own experiences in relationships...I'm beginning to wonder...
I go through phases. Well not really phases because I ALWAYS wanna have sex... it's just that now I'm at the point in my life where I've been focusing more on pleasing God and trying to lead a celibate life... (i say trying because over the last 3 years... I have given in and had sex in a few of my relationships which leads to major cognitive dissonance and I end up screwing up the relationship b/c the hardest thing to do is tell a guy you've given it to that he can no longer get it..but ya'll can still kick it.)
So anyway... looking back on my relationships I've noticed some things. Here's my take on the situation.
What I thought would happen if I gave it up to a young man within what... a month or so.
~ I always figured that the guys who wanted to rush into sex and who I would have sex with within a month of dating would pretty much get bored because he's caught the prey...the chase was over and now it's on to the new. I've heard stories about the hit it and split it guy...so this was a big fear of mine. I couldn't let it happen to me. I also figured that a guy that wouldn't wait for me at least 2 months probably only wanted sex anyway.
What did happen when I did give it up.
~Um.. what I've found (and by no means am i saying this is law or anything) is that the men I've had sex with within the first month of our relationship generally stayed around MUCH longer than those I didn't have sex with within the first month..or at all. I also noticed that I developed feelings much faster and more intense than i did with the guys I didn't have a sexual relationship with. Now at first I was thinking... well obviously I'd feel a more intense feelings for them... I'm with them longer. We share more... yada yada... but even when I look at how I felt at lets say the 2 month period with the sex and non sex guy... I see that I still felt way more strongly about the sex guy. So I would have to say... sex does matter alot more than I ever gave credit.
What I thought would happen if I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~ Well I thought that delayin the layin would help my chances of getting to really know a guy and lettin him get to know me. I figured it would weed out the guys only in the game to get booty and leave me the ones willing to 1. be patient.... 2. be in a real committed relationship and 3. really get to know all of me.
What actually happened when I didn't give it up in the first 2 months, or ever.
~They ALL left before 3 months was up. lol. I haven't had nonsexual relationship with ANYONE over 3 months. And what surprised me is that while yes... some of them really were in it only for the booty... a lot of the guys may not have been. I mean some of them had a LOT to offer. There were some really nice, spiritual, attractive, drama free, "i got my ish together", brothas I was dating...but they just couldn't handle the celibacy thang. I'm almost 99.9 % sure that if I did give it up to some of these brothas in this category....or at least gave them the hope that when the time was right i would (instead of NEVA unless you marry me) ...i would have had some wonderfully rewarding relationships.
I think it's important to weed out the "i want booty" guys from the "i want a relationship in which there's some booty givin going on" guys. What I did was weed out all guys. lol (well thusfar anyways)
MY REVELATION
If the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time, or forever (marriage) literally terrifies the heart of many many MANY good men... then how much more would the thought of being with just one person exclusively for a long time WITHOUT SEX send surges of pure terror and disgust in the hearts and minds of these same men?
I think that some of the men didn't stay around b/c that thought of "never gettin it" got the best of them... I may be wrong... I don't claim to know anything about men... but this is my theory about my experiences... So what's a girl to do?
When do you think it's safe to give it up.. since giving it up too fast may produce bad effects...but not giving it up ever may produce bad effects as well...?????????
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
It's all about perspective...
There's alot of weird things happening in the office.
*The director of our program just got fired after starting this center up 15 years ago.... unfortunately his wife just died about 2 months ago and the only thing keeping him going WAS his work. He dedicated it all to her.
Noone really knows why he's being dismissed. He can't even step foot in the building... and there's a legal Gag Order on the whole thing... so no one's even allowed to tell us what's going on.
* My co-worker just announced that she's pregnant friday. Monday her car broke down... so she stayed at home. Yesterday, while getting a ride from someone... something crazy happened (we still don't know) and they had a mild accident. She's afraid that she's lost the baby.
*Another co-worker just called saying that she was in an accident and is at the Hospital as we speak. She's okay... but she doesn't know how long she'll be there before they release her.
*Another co-worker just rushed in about an hour ago late as all getout asking if my pregnant coworker was in the office today. I told her what happened since she didn't hear the news yesterday. She bursted into tears..saying that this is too much. She had just came back from dropping her mother off with other family members at the hospital for her surgery. She said she couldn't stay with her mom b/c she's used so many of her PTO days. But once she found out that hardly no one's in the office today anyways.. she decided to risk getting caught playing hookey.. and bolted outta here to rush to her mother's side.
* And then there's me.... just looking at all the crazy things around me... and thanking God that my life is not so bad after all.
I just found out that she indeed had a miscarriage... and my boss..er..."former" boss has severe laryngitis and is in the hospital. My co-worker who had an accident this morning is still in the ER b/c she has neck pains and their running a few test on her. Life takes weird turns. No one said it was easy, but someone could have warned me.
*The director of our program just got fired after starting this center up 15 years ago.... unfortunately his wife just died about 2 months ago and the only thing keeping him going WAS his work. He dedicated it all to her.
Noone really knows why he's being dismissed. He can't even step foot in the building... and there's a legal Gag Order on the whole thing... so no one's even allowed to tell us what's going on.
* My co-worker just announced that she's pregnant friday. Monday her car broke down... so she stayed at home. Yesterday, while getting a ride from someone... something crazy happened (we still don't know) and they had a mild accident. She's afraid that she's lost the baby.
*Another co-worker just called saying that she was in an accident and is at the Hospital as we speak. She's okay... but she doesn't know how long she'll be there before they release her.
*Another co-worker just rushed in about an hour ago late as all getout asking if my pregnant coworker was in the office today. I told her what happened since she didn't hear the news yesterday. She bursted into tears..saying that this is too much. She had just came back from dropping her mother off with other family members at the hospital for her surgery. She said she couldn't stay with her mom b/c she's used so many of her PTO days. But once she found out that hardly no one's in the office today anyways.. she decided to risk getting caught playing hookey.. and bolted outta here to rush to her mother's side.
* And then there's me.... just looking at all the crazy things around me... and thanking God that my life is not so bad after all.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
..........
Well... i decided to take yesterday off. I layed in the bed for a good 15 minutes trying to think of a good enough reason to take a PTO day but none really stood out. I was sleepy, but no more than usual. I wasn't sick.. and nothing hurt...and I have no husband, kids, drama to blame anything on.... so I just called in and simply said. "I need to take a PTO today. I'll be in tomorrow." No lies... no complications... it was simple as pie.
For the first part of my day, I pretty much laid in bed and surrounded myself with thoughts about everything. Sometimes with my crazy schedule... I don't have time to think about the events that has happened in the last few days so I really appreciated being able to get in tune with myself for a while. I was interrupted by the phone ringing. It was Anthony. I'm not quite sure why I answered. I SAW his name on my caller ID. And I KNEW why he was calling. We talked... well... HE talked for about two and a half hours (I talked about 30 minutes of that time) and after our conversation I wondered why I am so weak.
There are alot of things I love about myself. My ability to forgive, forget and move on is one. However in the case with Anthony... I don't think that this trait is actually an attribute. I felt like somehow I became that "naive woman that wanted to hear the lies that he told". I somehow became the woman I warned myself about. But how can one KNOW the game and still fall for it? How is that possible...and why?
Now in no means am I saying that I took Anthony back...nor am I saying that there's a possibility of us being exclusive like that. I thank God for at least that bit of strength. However, I have major problems dealing with completely shunning someone out of my life. It's like... he apologized and apologized and I let him. He told me "his version" of what happened and why he did what he did and blah blah blah... and I didn't stop him. It's like... all that "grrrrr... women rule...we all hate you... feel the point of my heal in your heart as i walk over you and strut with pride all by myself" momentum I had when it first happened suddenly left and all the feelings I had for him seemed to override my better judgement and before I knew it... I was hearing myself say, "Well, listen. I don't like what you did. But I am not opposed to being friends."
WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY? I dunno. But after we got off the phone yesterday I cried. I'm scared because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a friendship with him... but at the same time... I just realized I'm not strong enough not to right now. I dunno... i feel like a real punk right now. I gave in. I let him back in my life. I hate when I don't listen to myself.
I found out that though I AM a weakling... I do have my limits. Last night he called again to talk me into letting him be more than just a friend. I am glad that I can say that I firmly stood my ground on that one. His game was tight. He even got Taylor on the phone to tell her that he's sorry for hurting her but he no longer wants to be the guy he was... and that he wants to be with me. I thought it was a pretty ballsy move... but I didn't budge. All I can receive from him is friendship. The door is closed for everything else. Which brings me to my question...
Why can I let go of him as a boyfriend, but not a friend, when honestly... i really don't need anymore male friends... and we never really were friends to begin with?
Am I subconciously keeping him around just in case one day I actually DO wanna date him again?
Is it that I have trouble with abandonment?
Am I just being a b**** and keeping him on the back burner so no one else can be with him?
I mean...what is it!!!!!! I dunno. :(
For the first part of my day, I pretty much laid in bed and surrounded myself with thoughts about everything. Sometimes with my crazy schedule... I don't have time to think about the events that has happened in the last few days so I really appreciated being able to get in tune with myself for a while. I was interrupted by the phone ringing. It was Anthony. I'm not quite sure why I answered. I SAW his name on my caller ID. And I KNEW why he was calling. We talked... well... HE talked for about two and a half hours (I talked about 30 minutes of that time) and after our conversation I wondered why I am so weak.
There are alot of things I love about myself. My ability to forgive, forget and move on is one. However in the case with Anthony... I don't think that this trait is actually an attribute. I felt like somehow I became that "naive woman that wanted to hear the lies that he told". I somehow became the woman I warned myself about. But how can one KNOW the game and still fall for it? How is that possible...and why?
Now in no means am I saying that I took Anthony back...nor am I saying that there's a possibility of us being exclusive like that. I thank God for at least that bit of strength. However, I have major problems dealing with completely shunning someone out of my life. It's like... he apologized and apologized and I let him. He told me "his version" of what happened and why he did what he did and blah blah blah... and I didn't stop him. It's like... all that "grrrrr... women rule...we all hate you... feel the point of my heal in your heart as i walk over you and strut with pride all by myself" momentum I had when it first happened suddenly left and all the feelings I had for him seemed to override my better judgement and before I knew it... I was hearing myself say, "Well, listen. I don't like what you did. But I am not opposed to being friends."
WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY? I dunno. But after we got off the phone yesterday I cried. I'm scared because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a friendship with him... but at the same time... I just realized I'm not strong enough not to right now. I dunno... i feel like a real punk right now. I gave in. I let him back in my life. I hate when I don't listen to myself.
I found out that though I AM a weakling... I do have my limits. Last night he called again to talk me into letting him be more than just a friend. I am glad that I can say that I firmly stood my ground on that one. His game was tight. He even got Taylor on the phone to tell her that he's sorry for hurting her but he no longer wants to be the guy he was... and that he wants to be with me. I thought it was a pretty ballsy move... but I didn't budge. All I can receive from him is friendship. The door is closed for everything else. Which brings me to my question...
Why can I let go of him as a boyfriend, but not a friend, when honestly... i really don't need anymore male friends... and we never really were friends to begin with?
Am I subconciously keeping him around just in case one day I actually DO wanna date him again?
Is it that I have trouble with abandonment?
Am I just being a b**** and keeping him on the back burner so no one else can be with him?
I mean...what is it!!!!!! I dunno. :(
Friday, July 09, 2004
Male-Identified
"Good job brotha good job…"
This is what I heard along with thunderous applause from a group of young guys… about 18-20… while I was waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at South Dekalb Mall. They were all applauding…but only one guy expressed verbal accolade to the young man he pretty much deemed “pimp of the mall” for having this beautiful woman on his side.
I got a glimpse of the young “diva’s” face as she glided by with her man in front of her and his hand reaching back for her tiny waist . She was beautiful, I must admit. She had that “classic” beauty...you know the type of girl that transcends racial preferences. Long dark curly hair, bright eyes that could easily be seen through her pinkish shades… her face was flawless… perfectly symmetrical and blemish free. She had a light complexion and her make up consisted of a lot of glitter and pink tones…I guess to match her shades. She had on a fitting black dress with most of the back out and a low cut scoop to show her cleavage. She had a stride going… up until the exchange between her b/f and ole young blood where he had to abruptly stop and change positions with her in order to get through the crowd of “Armpiece Groupies”. Before then, she was walking proudly behind her man. Yes behind him. But she still shined like the sun. I actually had to look twice because of how stunningly confident she walked. She held her head so high that I thought for a second she might have had a nosebleed or something. But I guess after constantly hearing how fine/sexy/beautiful you are… you might acquire such an air about yourself. Her b/f was just as confident if not more. He had on a nice linen outfit with some dark shades and he looked like he just stepped off the cover of a GQ magazine. The only time I saw Ms. Diva’s expression change from “nosebleed/stuck up” is when ole young blood started applauding her boyfriend. She was quite pleased at this show of approval. She didn’t turn back to look at them… but I did see a small smirk/grin/smile of “I know I’m the bomb, but thanks so much for letting everyone else know too” appear on her face. Then instantly she wiped the smile off her face and presumed gliding on behind her b/f again and returning to the “nosebleed” expression.
When applauded, bowed to (yes one mofo did bow) , and basically told that he did a great job.. Mr. GQ slightly nodded at them as to say “I know” while pulling his girlfriend in front of him until they passed the groupies…err…group of guys..then he presumed to take his “rightful” role in front of her again. He never broke stride…never smiled… and probably didn’t care. The only time I saw his focus turn was when another girl walked by. He’d peek out the top of his shades to look at one and then another... All while Ms. Diva happily glided behind him in her own little world…probably not even knowing that he was checking everyone else but her out. She was just there for his glory. So that guys can envy him…while he looked around for other eye candy.
My mind began to reminisce on the times I used to hear the same kind of things shouted at my man about me. I used to really think of them as compliments. You know…one man telling another that he did a great job picking me out because I was beautiful.. I mean that is a compliment right? Ha. Well I used to think so. But for some reason, stepping out of the “object of desire” and seeing it done to another young woman I began to realize how incredibly shallow and degrading that is. I mean, you tell a guy he did a good job picking a car…a job…an outfit… not a woman. Like she had NO say/imput/control in this “picking” ordeal. Like he just said… “I want that one.." and grabbed her with his barbaric man arms and she just helplessly went with him. And to top it all off…how do they know she’s a good pick? I mean are we just going on the basis of looks? Ugh. That’s a whole nother topic. So I digress…
I mean if you think I’m cute…look at me... smile at me… and if you’re balls-y enough…then tell me. But don’t make me look like one of pimp daddy’s girls while he gets praise for being a big enough P.I.M.P. to pull me. I mean, I can’t explain it. I dunno. I’ve been pondering whether I reacted this way because I was jealous that I wasn’t the one being commented on…or was it because I honestly saw something wrong with it now. After much thought….i realized that the only time I get jealous about something is when I have some stake or claim in the man I think she’s taking away/getting/working on…so it must be the latter.
I learned a lot in my women studies class in college. We talked a lot about the “oppressed”. Our teacher was a bi-racial lesbian coming from a poor family… so we talked a lot about multiple jeopardy and how it can affect ones psyche. Anywho. When I saw the scene above being played out before my very eyes…all I could think of was this term called “Male-Identification”. Male-identification basically means the casting of one's social, political, and intellectual allegiances with men. The effect of male-identification means internalizing the values of the colonizer and actively participating in carrying out the colonization of one's self and one's sex. This happens in any situation you see stratifications in… (race, sexual preference, class, and other underserved pops). Basically it describes women who only feel a sense of self-worth when they are around men, get praises from men, think they are better because of their association with a man..and etc. They live through men.
I guess the reason it made me think of this is because after I started thinking about why it bothered me so much, I realized it was because it was so much more than a compliment about how pretty she was... and her approval of their words was so much more than a "thanks". I mean, for me it was more about the implications of what they were saying and her blindness to it.
First off...they didn’t give her enough respect to tell HER about herself. Instead, they respected HIM for basically having an arm piece. And when I looked at them (she and her b/f) interact with each other for the brief 2-3 minutes I saw them in the mall… she seemed to be the kind of girl that really needed her man there to feel important/special/beautiful. It’s almost like she isn’t that beautiful by herself... I began to realize it wasn’t just her physical beauty the young man was complimenting… it was her submissive attitude with her b/f. His presence there and his unspoken but ever-present power over her is what made her beautiful to the young guys and it’s why they complimented HIM instead of HER. He wasn’t really saying.. “wow she’s pretty” He was saying , “Wow she’s pretty.. and dang you a bonified pimp to get a girl that fine to hang on to your every word and be all up on you while you walk around looking at all the other females in the mall and all she does is stay quiet and look cute.”
He was basically saying “Good job brotha” for molding another one into JUST a clueless, submissive, arm piece. And all she did was smile.
Now granted… I don’t know this young lady… she might have been at the top of her class. She could be a biostatistitian for all I know… but the fact was that she wasn’t being complimented on that… her aora didn’t say “I’m a confident black sista who’s happy with herself and demands respect from you”… it said “I’m cute…and I’m with my boyfriend… and I want everyone to know it.”
I guess what get’s me is the fact that she actually thought of it as a compliment. The fact that one point in my life… I thought it was a compliment. The fact that we as women are so male-identified and don't know it. Some of us like when our man is complimented, or lifted up or exalted (which isn't wrong in itself)... sometimes more than we like it for ourselves... why? Because we live through our man.. it reflects our status. That's the way some of us "pull ourselves up". It's like being Mrs. John Doe all over again. We have no identity of our own...except we have it through some man. And until we realize that not everything that "sounds" good on the surface is a compliment and that not every show of approval we get from a guy is actually for our benefit...i'm afraid we'll always be male identified.
I dunno… maybe I had too much time on my hands sitting there waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at the mall. I WAS a psyc. Major… and yeah I DO overanalyze everything… so thanks for reading another pointless post. lol
This is what I heard along with thunderous applause from a group of young guys… about 18-20… while I was waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at South Dekalb Mall. They were all applauding…but only one guy expressed verbal accolade to the young man he pretty much deemed “pimp of the mall” for having this beautiful woman on his side.
I got a glimpse of the young “diva’s” face as she glided by with her man in front of her and his hand reaching back for her tiny waist . She was beautiful, I must admit. She had that “classic” beauty...you know the type of girl that transcends racial preferences. Long dark curly hair, bright eyes that could easily be seen through her pinkish shades… her face was flawless… perfectly symmetrical and blemish free. She had a light complexion and her make up consisted of a lot of glitter and pink tones…I guess to match her shades. She had on a fitting black dress with most of the back out and a low cut scoop to show her cleavage. She had a stride going… up until the exchange between her b/f and ole young blood where he had to abruptly stop and change positions with her in order to get through the crowd of “Armpiece Groupies”. Before then, she was walking proudly behind her man. Yes behind him. But she still shined like the sun. I actually had to look twice because of how stunningly confident she walked. She held her head so high that I thought for a second she might have had a nosebleed or something. But I guess after constantly hearing how fine/sexy/beautiful you are… you might acquire such an air about yourself. Her b/f was just as confident if not more. He had on a nice linen outfit with some dark shades and he looked like he just stepped off the cover of a GQ magazine. The only time I saw Ms. Diva’s expression change from “nosebleed/stuck up” is when ole young blood started applauding her boyfriend. She was quite pleased at this show of approval. She didn’t turn back to look at them… but I did see a small smirk/grin/smile of “I know I’m the bomb, but thanks so much for letting everyone else know too” appear on her face. Then instantly she wiped the smile off her face and presumed gliding on behind her b/f again and returning to the “nosebleed” expression.
When applauded, bowed to (yes one mofo did bow) , and basically told that he did a great job.. Mr. GQ slightly nodded at them as to say “I know” while pulling his girlfriend in front of him until they passed the groupies…err…group of guys..then he presumed to take his “rightful” role in front of her again. He never broke stride…never smiled… and probably didn’t care. The only time I saw his focus turn was when another girl walked by. He’d peek out the top of his shades to look at one and then another... All while Ms. Diva happily glided behind him in her own little world…probably not even knowing that he was checking everyone else but her out. She was just there for his glory. So that guys can envy him…while he looked around for other eye candy.
My mind began to reminisce on the times I used to hear the same kind of things shouted at my man about me. I used to really think of them as compliments. You know…one man telling another that he did a great job picking me out because I was beautiful.. I mean that is a compliment right? Ha. Well I used to think so. But for some reason, stepping out of the “object of desire” and seeing it done to another young woman I began to realize how incredibly shallow and degrading that is. I mean, you tell a guy he did a good job picking a car…a job…an outfit… not a woman. Like she had NO say/imput/control in this “picking” ordeal. Like he just said… “I want that one.." and grabbed her with his barbaric man arms and she just helplessly went with him. And to top it all off…how do they know she’s a good pick? I mean are we just going on the basis of looks? Ugh. That’s a whole nother topic. So I digress…
I mean if you think I’m cute…look at me... smile at me… and if you’re balls-y enough…then tell me. But don’t make me look like one of pimp daddy’s girls while he gets praise for being a big enough P.I.M.P. to pull me. I mean, I can’t explain it. I dunno. I’ve been pondering whether I reacted this way because I was jealous that I wasn’t the one being commented on…or was it because I honestly saw something wrong with it now. After much thought….i realized that the only time I get jealous about something is when I have some stake or claim in the man I think she’s taking away/getting/working on…so it must be the latter.
I learned a lot in my women studies class in college. We talked a lot about the “oppressed”. Our teacher was a bi-racial lesbian coming from a poor family… so we talked a lot about multiple jeopardy and how it can affect ones psyche. Anywho. When I saw the scene above being played out before my very eyes…all I could think of was this term called “Male-Identification”. Male-identification basically means the casting of one's social, political, and intellectual allegiances with men. The effect of male-identification means internalizing the values of the colonizer and actively participating in carrying out the colonization of one's self and one's sex. This happens in any situation you see stratifications in… (race, sexual preference, class, and other underserved pops). Basically it describes women who only feel a sense of self-worth when they are around men, get praises from men, think they are better because of their association with a man..and etc. They live through men.
I guess the reason it made me think of this is because after I started thinking about why it bothered me so much, I realized it was because it was so much more than a compliment about how pretty she was... and her approval of their words was so much more than a "thanks". I mean, for me it was more about the implications of what they were saying and her blindness to it.
First off...they didn’t give her enough respect to tell HER about herself. Instead, they respected HIM for basically having an arm piece. And when I looked at them (she and her b/f) interact with each other for the brief 2-3 minutes I saw them in the mall… she seemed to be the kind of girl that really needed her man there to feel important/special/beautiful. It’s almost like she isn’t that beautiful by herself... I began to realize it wasn’t just her physical beauty the young man was complimenting… it was her submissive attitude with her b/f. His presence there and his unspoken but ever-present power over her is what made her beautiful to the young guys and it’s why they complimented HIM instead of HER. He wasn’t really saying.. “wow she’s pretty” He was saying , “Wow she’s pretty.. and dang you a bonified pimp to get a girl that fine to hang on to your every word and be all up on you while you walk around looking at all the other females in the mall and all she does is stay quiet and look cute.”
He was basically saying “Good job brotha” for molding another one into JUST a clueless, submissive, arm piece. And all she did was smile.
Now granted… I don’t know this young lady… she might have been at the top of her class. She could be a biostatistitian for all I know… but the fact was that she wasn’t being complimented on that… her aora didn’t say “I’m a confident black sista who’s happy with herself and demands respect from you”… it said “I’m cute…and I’m with my boyfriend… and I want everyone to know it.”
I guess what get’s me is the fact that she actually thought of it as a compliment. The fact that one point in my life… I thought it was a compliment. The fact that we as women are so male-identified and don't know it. Some of us like when our man is complimented, or lifted up or exalted (which isn't wrong in itself)... sometimes more than we like it for ourselves... why? Because we live through our man.. it reflects our status. That's the way some of us "pull ourselves up". It's like being Mrs. John Doe all over again. We have no identity of our own...except we have it through some man. And until we realize that not everything that "sounds" good on the surface is a compliment and that not every show of approval we get from a guy is actually for our benefit...i'm afraid we'll always be male identified.
I dunno… maybe I had too much time on my hands sitting there waiting to get my eyebrows waxed at the mall. I WAS a psyc. Major… and yeah I DO overanalyze everything… so thanks for reading another pointless post. lol
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Lettin it Burn....
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- unknown.
I'm glad I had a long weekend. It gave me some time to enjoy myself and my friends. I must say, the abrupt way my relationship with Anthony ended left me a little speechless and in a lot of pain. But what I quickly learned about myself over the weekend is that my ability to bounce back is by far the best ever! I feel pretty darn good. :)
I didn't do much more than most ppl this weekend. I graced a few barbeques... got real ghetto and took some tupperware to the BBQ's so I could take a butt load of food home for my lunch this week. lol. I also went bowling...went to see some fireworks...went shopping and yesterday I went swimmin ... but um...why was it soooo hotttt??? I mean a sista could hardly breathe. I could only stay in the pool for like 10 minutes cuz all the water pretty much evaporated from all that heat....and the little that was left pretty much started to boil my brown behind. So for the most part, I stayed inside.
I really don't have anything else I wanna say about this weekend...so i'll just leave you with this little email one of my homeboys sent me to encourage me to "drop all the excess weight". Gone.
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience,
"How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm. He replied to them,
"The absolute weight of the glass of water does not matter. Heaviness depends on how long you hold it".
If you hold it for a minute, it would probably feel OK. If you hold it for an hour, you will have an ache in your right arm. If you hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes."
Sometimes we carry things/people/situations in our lives that may not seem heavy at first and we carry them with ease... but sooner or later, these "things" become "burdens" and if we carry our burdens all the time, we will end up needing serious help because the burden has becoming increasingly heavy."
What you have to do is to put the glass down and rest. We have to put down our burdens periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. Not everything we're able to carry is worth carrying.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment... or forever if need be. Rest and relax. Life is short, enjoy it!!
- unknown.
I'm glad I had a long weekend. It gave me some time to enjoy myself and my friends. I must say, the abrupt way my relationship with Anthony ended left me a little speechless and in a lot of pain. But what I quickly learned about myself over the weekend is that my ability to bounce back is by far the best ever! I feel pretty darn good. :)
I didn't do much more than most ppl this weekend. I graced a few barbeques... got real ghetto and took some tupperware to the BBQ's so I could take a butt load of food home for my lunch this week. lol. I also went bowling...went to see some fireworks...went shopping and yesterday I went swimmin ... but um...why was it soooo hotttt??? I mean a sista could hardly breathe. I could only stay in the pool for like 10 minutes cuz all the water pretty much evaporated from all that heat....and the little that was left pretty much started to boil my brown behind. So for the most part, I stayed inside.
I really don't have anything else I wanna say about this weekend...so i'll just leave you with this little email one of my homeboys sent me to encourage me to "drop all the excess weight". Gone.
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience,
"How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm. He replied to them,
"The absolute weight of the glass of water does not matter. Heaviness depends on how long you hold it".
If you hold it for a minute, it would probably feel OK. If you hold it for an hour, you will have an ache in your right arm. If you hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes."
Sometimes we carry things/people/situations in our lives that may not seem heavy at first and we carry them with ease... but sooner or later, these "things" become "burdens" and if we carry our burdens all the time, we will end up needing serious help because the burden has becoming increasingly heavy."
What you have to do is to put the glass down and rest. We have to put down our burdens periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. Not everything we're able to carry is worth carrying.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment... or forever if need be. Rest and relax. Life is short, enjoy it!!
Thursday, July 01, 2004
"I'm the 3rd least important person you'll ever meet..."
I thought it was kinda funny when Anthony would say this to me on many many occasions. He's always good for a "catch phrase." I was once told that when a guy tells you something... you should believe him. Yesterday I realized that him telling me this was really his backwards way of telling me that he's no good and if I was half as smart as my credentials depict, I would start running as far away from him as I possibly can. YES this is the same Anthony that called me ETHEREAL... the same one that would hold me almost everyday of the week...YES the one who told me I added unto him. He knew just how to make a woman feel special I'll give him that. But yesterday, I found out that I wasn't the only special one in his life.
In my last post, I briefly told you all that I wasn't really feeling like myself. The last couple of weeks I've been really feeling weird. I get that way right before something big happens. I never know what it is...but I ALWAYS feel when something is about to happen a few days before it does. As a matter of fact, last friday when I went to Anthony's house, I told him that I had a funny feeling while I was driving on the way to his house. Little did I know... oh how little did I know.
I've learned that whenever I start feeling "funny", I should start praying because I KNOW from experience that SOMETHING is getting ready to go down. I asked God to reveal to me why I'm feeling like this. And I must say, God is faithful. He shows me every time. Most of the time I'm not ready for it... and this time's no different. But I'm glad I know.
Anthony's phone was disconnected all last week. He got in touch with me via IM one day and we discussed my coming over on friday. So last friday, I made my way to his house. I was glad to see him, but like I said, that entire week after the "party of the year" I was feeling real funny. We had a heart to heart talk. I told him how I felt about him and I asked him some important questions to see where his head was dealing with us. He seemed sincere. I would have never known that his GIRLFRIEND HAD JUST LEFT HIS HOUSE ONLY TWO HOURS AGO heading back to Tennessee.
How'd I find out? Anthony's stupid to put it plainly. That friday night, since his phone was off, he asked to use mine. He called her right in front of me...though i didn’t know who he was talking to. His conversation was innocent enough. He asked if she'd sent the money to get his phone back on. Then he told her he was on my phone and he had to go. I thought nothing of it. Until later on friday night, when she called my phone back and left a message trying to figure out who's # this was.
In all honesty she was just wondering who I was and if I was supposed to be talking to Anthony b/c like I said, she KNEW who # this was, he told her when I was sitting there. Whatever her reasons, I'm glad she called back. I called her because I thought it weird for her to call me askin that when I knew she knew. She never answered. So I left a message telling her to call me back. She did the next morning...but I didn't hear the phone. So imagine my surprise when saturday night I check my messages and it's a voicemail from her saying, "hi, this is Anthony’s girlfriend, Taylor, call me back if you need to."
WTF? Girlfriend? Huh? My first reaction was to call him. So I did. I casually said, um, your girlfriend just called me. Of course he denied that they were together anymore. His exact words were... "man, she trippin. why she trippin. look sway i'm not even with that girl. she was right before you. i haven't even seen her in like 3 months. she doesn't even live here." So I said ok for the time being because he's denying that she's his girl....and I hadn't had a chance to talk with her and find out all the details.
Well I've been calling her from work since monday on my breaks hoping we could talk. She never answered. I never left messages. Finally I figured I better call when I get off work.. from MY phone. So yesterday I did that...and she answered. We talked for 2 hours about Anthony. The one thing I CAN say is he was right... he is one of the most least important ppl I will ever meet in my life. He really ain't s***!!!
She told me that they'd been together for about 5 months. She said she's met his family, and he tells her he loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. She told me that he planned to come and live with her as soon as he interviews with her mom for a job there in Tennessee. She also told me some other things I just wasn't prepared to hear....like....
He's also with his baby's mother. YES Anthony has kids. NO Anthony NEVER mentioned this to me. I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT KIDS!!! NOTHING! He has a 3 year old and a 2 month old. She told me that she found out about him and his baby's mother during his graduation (mind you WE were kickin it then too) when she called him and his baby's mother answered and they talked. She said he confessed to being with his baby's mother too (after she busted him about it of course)...but for her, he'd stop. She trusted him again. Not knowing that I was in the picture too. And me not knowing about either of them...or his kids.
Last week, when Anthony's phone was off...and I was feeling all these crazy feelings... she said she was here...IN ATLANTA... WITH ANTHONY!! ALL WEEK He was with her. JUST LAST WEEK. Cooking her breakfast, telling her he loves her and that she's the only one for him. She left his house heading for Tennessee on friday at 2. I was there by 5:30. Being with him. Loving on him. Cuddling with him. Kissing the same lips she just did. Do you know how much it hurts to know that only a few hours before... another woman was sitting in the same exact spot I was. Hearing the same lies I'm hearing. And the crazy thing is I asked him that same day was I the only one he was with. As sincere as anyone can imagine...he said yes. He said, "there was someone right before you...but I'm not with them anymore." lol. While I'm thinking he meant he was with someone right before we met and started talkin...he really meant that he was with someone right before me that same day!!! *disgusted laugh*
Anthony's charming. He's warm. He's the perfect gentleman. But no one has ever surprised me more than him. There were no signs. I know ppl always say that there are signs and we choose to ignore them... and usually I agree. But not this time. There was nothing that could have prepared me for this. NOTHING.
I'm hurt. I'm really disappointed. I'm not really mad. I don't hate him. I just don't understand why he'd choose to hurt wonderful women like this. She seemed really smart, and really nice. She seemed like someone I'd hang out with if these weren't the circumstances. She doesn't deserve this and I KNOW i don't. Right now, I'm in pain... but I refuse to show it. I refuse to let him get me down.
She called him yesterday to "tell him off". She told him that we talked and that she knows everything. She called me back to tell me what he had to say about it. She talked to me about for 10 minutes when her phone beeped and she said it was him. She never called me back. He never called at all. They'll probably be back together. He'll probably cheat again. But as for me... I'm through. I wish I could have said my piece. I wish it was me that confronted him about it. But it wasn't. So it's done. We'll probably never talk again. And it's sad. But time heals all wounds. And I can honestly say that I've grown. I've learned from past experiences that the best thing for me to do is NOT address it. NOT talk to him...find out why..how..when…etc. I should just move on. Because I guarantee... with his charm... they'll be back together. She's gonna give in...again. He knows it. I'm just glad it's not me this time. I’ve been there before. I’ve told a guy off… gave him a piece of my mind all the while praying that he’ll beg for me to come back…and hoping he’ll make up a believable lie so that we can be back together again. I thank God for opening my eyes. I thank God for letting me see the truth. And this time, that truth is at my door and I have the opportunity to go. I’m going. In fact… I'm already gone.
In my last post, I briefly told you all that I wasn't really feeling like myself. The last couple of weeks I've been really feeling weird. I get that way right before something big happens. I never know what it is...but I ALWAYS feel when something is about to happen a few days before it does. As a matter of fact, last friday when I went to Anthony's house, I told him that I had a funny feeling while I was driving on the way to his house. Little did I know... oh how little did I know.
I've learned that whenever I start feeling "funny", I should start praying because I KNOW from experience that SOMETHING is getting ready to go down. I asked God to reveal to me why I'm feeling like this. And I must say, God is faithful. He shows me every time. Most of the time I'm not ready for it... and this time's no different. But I'm glad I know.
Anthony's phone was disconnected all last week. He got in touch with me via IM one day and we discussed my coming over on friday. So last friday, I made my way to his house. I was glad to see him, but like I said, that entire week after the "party of the year" I was feeling real funny. We had a heart to heart talk. I told him how I felt about him and I asked him some important questions to see where his head was dealing with us. He seemed sincere. I would have never known that his GIRLFRIEND HAD JUST LEFT HIS HOUSE ONLY TWO HOURS AGO heading back to Tennessee.
How'd I find out? Anthony's stupid to put it plainly. That friday night, since his phone was off, he asked to use mine. He called her right in front of me...though i didn’t know who he was talking to. His conversation was innocent enough. He asked if she'd sent the money to get his phone back on. Then he told her he was on my phone and he had to go. I thought nothing of it. Until later on friday night, when she called my phone back and left a message trying to figure out who's # this was.
In all honesty she was just wondering who I was and if I was supposed to be talking to Anthony b/c like I said, she KNEW who # this was, he told her when I was sitting there. Whatever her reasons, I'm glad she called back. I called her because I thought it weird for her to call me askin that when I knew she knew. She never answered. So I left a message telling her to call me back. She did the next morning...but I didn't hear the phone. So imagine my surprise when saturday night I check my messages and it's a voicemail from her saying, "hi, this is Anthony’s girlfriend, Taylor, call me back if you need to."
WTF? Girlfriend? Huh? My first reaction was to call him. So I did. I casually said, um, your girlfriend just called me. Of course he denied that they were together anymore. His exact words were... "man, she trippin. why she trippin. look sway i'm not even with that girl. she was right before you. i haven't even seen her in like 3 months. she doesn't even live here." So I said ok for the time being because he's denying that she's his girl....and I hadn't had a chance to talk with her and find out all the details.
Well I've been calling her from work since monday on my breaks hoping we could talk. She never answered. I never left messages. Finally I figured I better call when I get off work.. from MY phone. So yesterday I did that...and she answered. We talked for 2 hours about Anthony. The one thing I CAN say is he was right... he is one of the most least important ppl I will ever meet in my life. He really ain't s***!!!
She told me that they'd been together for about 5 months. She said she's met his family, and he tells her he loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. She told me that he planned to come and live with her as soon as he interviews with her mom for a job there in Tennessee. She also told me some other things I just wasn't prepared to hear....like....
He's also with his baby's mother. YES Anthony has kids. NO Anthony NEVER mentioned this to me. I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT KIDS!!! NOTHING! He has a 3 year old and a 2 month old. She told me that she found out about him and his baby's mother during his graduation (mind you WE were kickin it then too) when she called him and his baby's mother answered and they talked. She said he confessed to being with his baby's mother too (after she busted him about it of course)...but for her, he'd stop. She trusted him again. Not knowing that I was in the picture too. And me not knowing about either of them...or his kids.
Last week, when Anthony's phone was off...and I was feeling all these crazy feelings... she said she was here...IN ATLANTA... WITH ANTHONY!! ALL WEEK He was with her. JUST LAST WEEK. Cooking her breakfast, telling her he loves her and that she's the only one for him. She left his house heading for Tennessee on friday at 2. I was there by 5:30. Being with him. Loving on him. Cuddling with him. Kissing the same lips she just did. Do you know how much it hurts to know that only a few hours before... another woman was sitting in the same exact spot I was. Hearing the same lies I'm hearing. And the crazy thing is I asked him that same day was I the only one he was with. As sincere as anyone can imagine...he said yes. He said, "there was someone right before you...but I'm not with them anymore." lol. While I'm thinking he meant he was with someone right before we met and started talkin...he really meant that he was with someone right before me that same day!!! *disgusted laugh*
Anthony's charming. He's warm. He's the perfect gentleman. But no one has ever surprised me more than him. There were no signs. I know ppl always say that there are signs and we choose to ignore them... and usually I agree. But not this time. There was nothing that could have prepared me for this. NOTHING.
I'm hurt. I'm really disappointed. I'm not really mad. I don't hate him. I just don't understand why he'd choose to hurt wonderful women like this. She seemed really smart, and really nice. She seemed like someone I'd hang out with if these weren't the circumstances. She doesn't deserve this and I KNOW i don't. Right now, I'm in pain... but I refuse to show it. I refuse to let him get me down.
She called him yesterday to "tell him off". She told him that we talked and that she knows everything. She called me back to tell me what he had to say about it. She talked to me about for 10 minutes when her phone beeped and she said it was him. She never called me back. He never called at all. They'll probably be back together. He'll probably cheat again. But as for me... I'm through. I wish I could have said my piece. I wish it was me that confronted him about it. But it wasn't. So it's done. We'll probably never talk again. And it's sad. But time heals all wounds. And I can honestly say that I've grown. I've learned from past experiences that the best thing for me to do is NOT address it. NOT talk to him...find out why..how..when…etc. I should just move on. Because I guarantee... with his charm... they'll be back together. She's gonna give in...again. He knows it. I'm just glad it's not me this time. I’ve been there before. I’ve told a guy off… gave him a piece of my mind all the while praying that he’ll beg for me to come back…and hoping he’ll make up a believable lie so that we can be back together again. I thank God for opening my eyes. I thank God for letting me see the truth. And this time, that truth is at my door and I have the opportunity to go. I’m going. In fact… I'm already gone.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Missin me
Over the past week... about a million things happened that I told myself I was gonna blog about once I got the time. Well the time is here... and not one of the crazy events/situations/emotions/thories/etc that I wanted to discuss so badly when it happened...strike me as something worth writing about today. As usual,I've been doing alot of thinking...and alot less talking and writing.
The problem is that with all this thinking going on... I'm still no closer to an answer or a solution for all these questions and unknowns in my head. I'm soooo blessed and I know it... but there are times when I just can't seem to perk up and be grateful...or happy. Where's that joy that I had just last week? How can it go so suddenly? What's so different about today than last tuesday? I don't know. I'm not really depressed or melancholy... I'm just not my usual bubbly self. I'll be glad when I get back though. I miss me. I miss me alot.
The problem is that with all this thinking going on... I'm still no closer to an answer or a solution for all these questions and unknowns in my head. I'm soooo blessed and I know it... but there are times when I just can't seem to perk up and be grateful...or happy. Where's that joy that I had just last week? How can it go so suddenly? What's so different about today than last tuesday? I don't know. I'm not really depressed or melancholy... I'm just not my usual bubbly self. I'll be glad when I get back though. I miss me. I miss me alot.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Sneakin' - Playin' - Freakin'
Okay... this weekend was pretty fun. I've never been a good story teller..or writer for that matter... so I KNOW I won't give it any justice. I wish someone else could write about it...but none of the ppl I hang with really do the blog thing. Oh well. I guess I'll just give the facts... I'll leave out the juicy stuff until I decide to give that private journal a try.
Friday - AM and I went to the movies. (yeah i know i said i was through dealin with him...but dang... i couldn't pass up dinner and two movies.) I left work early friday b/c the power went off around lunch. I can't believe these slave drivers made us stay until 2:30 in the dark...and heat...just to tell us that we can go home now b/c the power wouldn't be back on until that evening. (i could have told them that 10 minutes after it went off...) So, I go over AM's house earlier than expected and he was in mid workout. I didn't bother to join in. I was feeling lazy so I layed on the couch and listened to his "too crunk to just sit there" music. When he finished, we went to Clark (CAU) track so that he can run his mile. I sat on the bleachers and watched him run round and round. For a big guy... this brotha has some stamina. Actually for any type of brotha... big or small... AM is really quite athletic. You couldn't tell by just looking at him though.. He's big, but he can do his thang.
Anyway, we went to back to his apt. ...he took a shower and we left for O'Charleys. Okay... why was our waiter SOOOO SEXY. His eyes were like.... gray/green/hazel I don't know... but they were soooo mezmorizing. As soon as he came over I was like. Dang! I can't even holla. *shaking my head*
It's weird going out with AM because even though we're just friends, I'd feel weird talking to someone else while with him and vice versa. I usually don't have that problem. I knew the waiter was interested though b/c when AM went to the bathroom, he started flirting HARD. Too bad it wasn't enough time to exchange numbers or somethin....
Anywho... we went and saw Shrek II b/c I had told him I wanted to see it a few weeks earlier. HOWEVER, I didn't have the heart to tell him I had saw it already last saturday with Anthony (yeah, they know about each other.) ... so we ended up sneaking (b/c AM thinks sneaking in movies is fun. *still scratching my head about this*) in to see The Chronicles of Riddick so that i wouldn't feel bad about him spending money to take me to a movie I already saw. (even though i guess i should feel bad about sneaking in the movies. Oh well.)
Anyway, after that... i was tired and told him I was gonna go home. So i did.
Saturday - I woke up in a seriously funky mood. Actually almost all day saturday I was in a seriously funky mood. I spent most of the day by myself. Mostly because I wanted to sort out these crazy knots in my stomach. I didn't really know the exact reason why I was so nervous. Okay I'm lying.. yes i do... here's what happened...
Flashback... when I first met Anthony's homegirl, Ms. I-like-your-man-but-he-just-wanna-be-friends, came over b/c he cuts her hair and she and I began talking. We found out that we all had some mutual friends and we was like oh yeah.. I was at this and that too... and blah blah blah. Well, she asked me if I was going to "Crabnic" which is really a huge party some of friends have annually at someone's house/complex/clubhouse/etc. where everyone gets drunk, eat up all the food, dive in the pool, and freak on each other. I went last year. (i found out that anthony was supposed to go but didn't....i also found out that he was at the superbowl party i was supposed to go to but didn't. isn't it amazing how life works out... 2 times we should have met prior to our actual meeting. i wonder if we would have even talked to each other in those type of settings??)
Anyway, I told her that I didn't know if I was going or not b/c my folks hadn't told me about it yet. So um, for the last month, Anthony's been asking me if I'm gonna go. My reply has been i dunno, probably and I'd asked him if he was going this year. His reply was the same as mine.
Okay flashforward... I decided to go this past week but everytime I got ready to tell him, something came up... and I was like... i'll tell him next time we talk. So now it's saturday morning and I'm just now telling him I'm going when he called me to ask what I was getting into that day. Okay... so now he knows I'm going. I know he's going too... but he didn't offer for us to go together. He said he'd call me later. I said okay hung up and felt confused, angry, excited, anxious ... Okay...Why did he call just to see what I was doing that day and that's it? I mean, he already have plans so why call me now? and...WHY didn't he wanna go with me? Did I wait too late? Why do i care? I'll see him there... wait...Do I really wanna see him there? Do I want him to see me there? Doing what I do... will i have fun if he's there? Will we act like we are talking? Or will it be one of those...who can make who more jealous nights? Why am I stressing over this?
So these million and 2 questions are mulling over in my head... and it was beginning to make me feel funny...so per CeeCee's post, I decided to loved on myself. I got a mani/pedi, then went to the mall, bought me a little outfit for the "event" that night. Went and got a $15 eyebrow waxing....and a "mini-makeover" Even though they never put much makeup on me. I always feel like my makeovers consist of black eyeliner and lip gloss. What's that about?
While I was getting my "wax", Anthony called. He asked me what time I was going to "The Remedy" (they changed the name at the last minute. lol). I told him I didn't have a specific time. I was just gonna go whenever. It started at 5 and it was already about 5:30... so really, I was just wasting time until the sun went down a bit. He finally asked me if I mind going with him. I paused for a sec. hoping not to sound to excited and I said okay. It actually came out more like I DIDN'T wanna go with him. And as soon as I said it, I knew he felt that way too. Why do i do that. I've been waiting ALL day for him to ask me to go...and he does...and I act like I didn't really wanna go with him. I could have kicked myself right then. Anyways... I made up for it at the party. By the end of the night...he KNEW I wanted to be there with him... and I KNEW he wanted to be there with me.
I had soooooooooo much fun. I know it's not fair to post this long boring story and not give you the juicy details of the shake your booty/p...eating/and wet t-shirt contests...
I know, I know.. it's wrong not to tell you about Mario...or the orgy goin on in the corner of the swimming pool... or about his "homegirl" who got straight gone and started saying a little too much and I had to put ole girl in her place. I know it's wrong.. I KNOW IT. I'd be mad too if I read this ish and didn't get any details. lol BUT... it's coming. trust me. it's coming.
For now. all i'll say is... Anthony won the p...eating contest. ;) Nuff Said. lol
Friday - AM and I went to the movies. (yeah i know i said i was through dealin with him...but dang... i couldn't pass up dinner and two movies.) I left work early friday b/c the power went off around lunch. I can't believe these slave drivers made us stay until 2:30 in the dark...and heat...just to tell us that we can go home now b/c the power wouldn't be back on until that evening. (i could have told them that 10 minutes after it went off...) So, I go over AM's house earlier than expected and he was in mid workout. I didn't bother to join in. I was feeling lazy so I layed on the couch and listened to his "too crunk to just sit there" music. When he finished, we went to Clark (CAU) track so that he can run his mile. I sat on the bleachers and watched him run round and round. For a big guy... this brotha has some stamina. Actually for any type of brotha... big or small... AM is really quite athletic. You couldn't tell by just looking at him though.. He's big, but he can do his thang.
Anyway, we went to back to his apt. ...he took a shower and we left for O'Charleys. Okay... why was our waiter SOOOO SEXY. His eyes were like.... gray/green/hazel I don't know... but they were soooo mezmorizing. As soon as he came over I was like. Dang! I can't even holla. *shaking my head*
It's weird going out with AM because even though we're just friends, I'd feel weird talking to someone else while with him and vice versa. I usually don't have that problem. I knew the waiter was interested though b/c when AM went to the bathroom, he started flirting HARD. Too bad it wasn't enough time to exchange numbers or somethin....
Anywho... we went and saw Shrek II b/c I had told him I wanted to see it a few weeks earlier. HOWEVER, I didn't have the heart to tell him I had saw it already last saturday with Anthony (yeah, they know about each other.) ... so we ended up sneaking (b/c AM thinks sneaking in movies is fun. *still scratching my head about this*) in to see The Chronicles of Riddick so that i wouldn't feel bad about him spending money to take me to a movie I already saw. (even though i guess i should feel bad about sneaking in the movies. Oh well.)
Anyway, after that... i was tired and told him I was gonna go home. So i did.
Saturday - I woke up in a seriously funky mood. Actually almost all day saturday I was in a seriously funky mood. I spent most of the day by myself. Mostly because I wanted to sort out these crazy knots in my stomach. I didn't really know the exact reason why I was so nervous. Okay I'm lying.. yes i do... here's what happened...
Flashback... when I first met Anthony's homegirl, Ms. I-like-your-man-but-he-just-wanna-be-friends, came over b/c he cuts her hair and she and I began talking. We found out that we all had some mutual friends and we was like oh yeah.. I was at this and that too... and blah blah blah. Well, she asked me if I was going to "Crabnic" which is really a huge party some of friends have annually at someone's house/complex/clubhouse/etc. where everyone gets drunk, eat up all the food, dive in the pool, and freak on each other. I went last year. (i found out that anthony was supposed to go but didn't....i also found out that he was at the superbowl party i was supposed to go to but didn't. isn't it amazing how life works out... 2 times we should have met prior to our actual meeting. i wonder if we would have even talked to each other in those type of settings??)
Anyway, I told her that I didn't know if I was going or not b/c my folks hadn't told me about it yet. So um, for the last month, Anthony's been asking me if I'm gonna go. My reply has been i dunno, probably and I'd asked him if he was going this year. His reply was the same as mine.
Okay flashforward... I decided to go this past week but everytime I got ready to tell him, something came up... and I was like... i'll tell him next time we talk. So now it's saturday morning and I'm just now telling him I'm going when he called me to ask what I was getting into that day. Okay... so now he knows I'm going. I know he's going too... but he didn't offer for us to go together. He said he'd call me later. I said okay hung up and felt confused, angry, excited, anxious ... Okay...Why did he call just to see what I was doing that day and that's it? I mean, he already have plans so why call me now? and...WHY didn't he wanna go with me? Did I wait too late? Why do i care? I'll see him there... wait...Do I really wanna see him there? Do I want him to see me there? Doing what I do... will i have fun if he's there? Will we act like we are talking? Or will it be one of those...who can make who more jealous nights? Why am I stressing over this?
So these million and 2 questions are mulling over in my head... and it was beginning to make me feel funny...so per CeeCee's post, I decided to loved on myself. I got a mani/pedi, then went to the mall, bought me a little outfit for the "event" that night. Went and got a $15 eyebrow waxing....and a "mini-makeover" Even though they never put much makeup on me. I always feel like my makeovers consist of black eyeliner and lip gloss. What's that about?
While I was getting my "wax", Anthony called. He asked me what time I was going to "The Remedy" (they changed the name at the last minute. lol). I told him I didn't have a specific time. I was just gonna go whenever. It started at 5 and it was already about 5:30... so really, I was just wasting time until the sun went down a bit. He finally asked me if I mind going with him. I paused for a sec. hoping not to sound to excited and I said okay. It actually came out more like I DIDN'T wanna go with him. And as soon as I said it, I knew he felt that way too. Why do i do that. I've been waiting ALL day for him to ask me to go...and he does...and I act like I didn't really wanna go with him. I could have kicked myself right then. Anyways... I made up for it at the party. By the end of the night...he KNEW I wanted to be there with him... and I KNEW he wanted to be there with me.
I had soooooooooo much fun. I know it's not fair to post this long boring story and not give you the juicy details of the shake your booty/p...eating/and wet t-shirt contests...
I know, I know.. it's wrong not to tell you about Mario...or the orgy goin on in the corner of the swimming pool... or about his "homegirl" who got straight gone and started saying a little too much and I had to put ole girl in her place. I know it's wrong.. I KNOW IT. I'd be mad too if I read this ish and didn't get any details. lol BUT... it's coming. trust me. it's coming.
For now. all i'll say is... Anthony won the p...eating contest. ;) Nuff Said. lol
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
I was...
...listening to some old joint i made a few years back yesterday in the car. I was in the mood for those early 90's songs. You know.... the ones where as soon as it comes on, everyone stop what they doin to throw their hands up, girate their hips, cock their head to the left, close their eyes, bite their lips, and say "OOOOOOhhhhhhh" right before they start snapping their fingers and singing along. I mean, I went hunting for this CD monday because I practically threw out all the CD's I had that wasn't gospel/jazz/or classical last year. I found it stashed away in my "special safe" on which I wrote, "can't open til marriage". (lol - wishful thinking) Actually, I found a lot of interesting things in there that I can't wait to use, put on... re-use... etc.
Anywho...I found the CD I was yearning to hear and put it on blast while everyone else was bumpin some "You don't want drama" and "White tee" (okay why do i really, REALLY like this song... to the point where if it comes on, I'll turn that ish up to level "ear ache" and magically transform into the most ghetto-fied being. lol)
My cousin was not amused. I think she was too wired and crunk up for all my soft bedroom music. All while I was listenin to my slow jams... she was like... okay, this is the jam, but can you listen to this later!
She claims that "NEW NEW" will make you listen to that kinda ish in the middle of the day for no reason at all. Though I pretended not to hear her, my smirk probably gave away the fact that I completely agree.
Movin on....
Over the last month... my ex TD has been calling me quite frequently. He keeps telling me that he can't stop thinking about me and that the more we talk the more he realizes how much he misses me and how irreplaceable I really am. I dunno what to think about that. This IS the same guy that I couldn't pay to call me/miss me/love me when we were together. Now he's been in texas for a good....9 months now (which is longer than we dated) and he's all of a sudden.. "missin me"? What's that about? I dunno. Maybe he's trying to see if I'm still stuck on him or something... Or maybe he's getting ready to come back to the ATL for a few and wanna set up his "booty call" now. lol. Or maybe just maybe.... absence does make the heart grow fonder. Maybe one does miss something when it's gone. Hmmm...
Well whatever the reason for this sudden realization of feelings on his part, I don't see myself backtracking for him.
Song list:
Boys II Men - Ooh Ahh
Mint Condition - Pretty Brown Eyes
Barry White/James Ingram/Al B Sure/El Debarge - Secret Garden
Joe - All the things your man wont do
Boys II Men - I'll make love to you
Janet - Anytime Anyplace
Shai - Lose Control
After 7 - Takin my time
H-town - Knockin da Boots
R. Kelly - Sex me
Silk - Freak me
R. Kelly - Bump n Grind
Keith Sweat-make it last forever
Az Yet - Last Night
Jamie Foxx - Infatuation
Jodeci - My heart belongs to you
Anywho...I found the CD I was yearning to hear and put it on blast while everyone else was bumpin some "You don't want drama" and "White tee" (okay why do i really, REALLY like this song... to the point where if it comes on, I'll turn that ish up to level "ear ache" and magically transform into the most ghetto-fied being. lol)
My cousin was not amused. I think she was too wired and crunk up for all my soft bedroom music. All while I was listenin to my slow jams... she was like... okay, this is the jam, but can you listen to this later!
She claims that "NEW NEW" will make you listen to that kinda ish in the middle of the day for no reason at all. Though I pretended not to hear her, my smirk probably gave away the fact that I completely agree.
Movin on....
Over the last month... my ex TD has been calling me quite frequently. He keeps telling me that he can't stop thinking about me and that the more we talk the more he realizes how much he misses me and how irreplaceable I really am. I dunno what to think about that. This IS the same guy that I couldn't pay to call me/miss me/love me when we were together. Now he's been in texas for a good....9 months now (which is longer than we dated) and he's all of a sudden.. "missin me"? What's that about? I dunno. Maybe he's trying to see if I'm still stuck on him or something... Or maybe he's getting ready to come back to the ATL for a few and wanna set up his "booty call" now. lol. Or maybe just maybe.... absence does make the heart grow fonder. Maybe one does miss something when it's gone. Hmmm...
Well whatever the reason for this sudden realization of feelings on his part, I don't see myself backtracking for him.
Song list:
Boys II Men - Ooh Ahh
Mint Condition - Pretty Brown Eyes
Barry White/James Ingram/Al B Sure/El Debarge - Secret Garden
Joe - All the things your man wont do
Boys II Men - I'll make love to you
Janet - Anytime Anyplace
Shai - Lose Control
After 7 - Takin my time
H-town - Knockin da Boots
R. Kelly - Sex me
Silk - Freak me
R. Kelly - Bump n Grind
Keith Sweat-make it last forever
Az Yet - Last Night
Jamie Foxx - Infatuation
Jodeci - My heart belongs to you
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I'm ready to talk now....
Things have been going pretty well between AB and I. He’s full of unique compliments, affection, and genuine interest. He’s the type of guy that asks me when he can see me again before I can step in his door good. *lol* He’s the type of guy that will hold onto my thighs or waist when I try to get up from the couch because I told him 10 minutes ago that I gotta leave. He’s the kind of guy that would turn off the NBA finals in mid dunk just to prove that I have his undivided attention when I speak… (even though I was just saying “dang I’m glad Ben Wallace braided those naps he got. Whew!”..*lol* and I quickly told him to turn it back on. lol) He’s they kind of guy that will call a few times a day just to say “hey”. He’s the kind of guy that will hold your hand the entire time he’s driving. He’s the kind of guy that has dinner cooked when he knows I’m coming over. I like that kind of guy. I can definitely get used to this. Gramma always said, “beybee… to be happily murry'd, find a man that luv you mo’ den you luv him”. I’m beginning to see the benefits of that. :) Not to say that I’m not feeling him or anything… but it’s nice to be chased…courted...and desired without feeling like you have to reciprocate all that on an even higher level.
I must confess,
I still don’t feel the butterflies…
But as I get older, I’m starting to realize that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve felt butterflies a million times, yet, I’m still single so that MUST not be the answer. I talked about LIMERANCE in one of my earlier posts, so I won’t go into all that… but as I’ve matured, my outlook on love and marriage has shifted dramatically. I mean, most people…scratch that… most women fall in love with a man, then want to marry Him. They’ll sacrifice all the things they said they wanted to do, achieve, and accomplish, just to be with him all because they stumbled upon “love/limerance”. Most men, however, do what they gotta do, accomplish their goal,s do their thang, then decide that they wanna be married, and go and find a suitable woman. In other words, we find a man, then decide to marry him. They decide to marry, then find a woman.
Emotions/Whims vs. Rationale/Planning.
Women, we go in with our eyes closed…with blinders on… Or like me… we go into it playing around thinking we’re not gonna fall in love or get attached. Lord knows I’ve dated guys just for the sake of dating them…. And I went into it thinking, “I know he’s not what I really want or need …but he’s just something to do til something better comes around”. Then before I knew it, I’m all in love… crying about how different we are and struggling to make it work (flashback of my rocky relationship with TD). Trust me, if you play with fire… you will get burned. And if you don’t… something may be wrong with your sensors.
I’ve honestly begun to think more about adopting the male perspective on this marriage thing. This is why so many of us females are unhappy in our relationship. We meet a dog who we KNOW is a dog... but we ignore it because of the one or two nice things he may do in the beginning… then we straight fall in love and romanticize about the “potential” we see in him and how good he’ll be IF he just change these (insert number) things about himself. We start focusing on the 2% of good he does and ignore 98% of crap/ish/dog pooh he’s really about. Then we marry him and wonder why we’re not happy? We settle. We settle WAY more than we should.
Men…man, men set high standards in which the girl they marry MUST meet at least 90% of whatever they list on their list. … they weigh the pro’s and con’s… AND they are not afraid to walk away from situations that aren’t ideal to them b/c they realize that they if they are gonna spend the rest of their life with someone… she gotta be worth it. Men can separate their feelings from their rationale. HE might really be into that ghettofied, waffle house waitress with the long blonde weave, head turning apple bottom and small waist… that do those amazing tricks erry night… but when he gets ready to find a wife… he’s gonna find someone with class, education, and virtues, that can raise his seed, be his friend and can can stimulate ALL parts of him not just one…. And ladies that’s how we gotta be. We MUST stop basing our life decisions on how we feel today. We must stop basing our life decisions on the “possibility” factor. We must stop basing our life decisions on the fact that he stimulates just one or two parts of us. Have faith in God that He made you just the way He wanted you. He knows everything about you and He also made someone to love you and stimulate all of you just the way you are! (I’m really talking to myself ya’ll so excuse me)
I truly feel that if I spend a little more time getting to know a man’s qualities, flaws, hang-ups, opinions, outlook on life, etc… I’ll be better off making an accurate decision about him than just going off the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. When limerance goes away… what’s left is what will make or break any given relationship… and if you don’t have a firm foundation to stand on… then you’re just NOT gonna make it. No matter how much love you “feel”.
I think that Love is more than just a feeling. Well true love is. Feelings change. Love shouldn’t. The whole notion of falling in and out of love is really what psychologists have termed limerance. But real love just shouldn’t go away like that. It takes time to create love so it should take time to exterminate love as well.
We need to start basing love on the some longitudinal type ish.. like…
be with a guy a full year or two…spend more time “building a friendship” instead of a “sexship”… see how he functions in various settings (alone, with his family, with strangers, with friends, with co-workers etc.)…go to church together, or whatever ya’ll are both into…don’t be afraid to try some new stuff together, look at his flaws and see if they are something you can really deal with (because most ppl change outside relationships not in them…and ladies, we shouldn’t be trying to change him anyways…that’s something he needs to do for himself) grow together, talk to… scratch that, talk with each other, listen to each other, take time to just enjoy each other’s company before rushing into exclusive committed marriage type relationships with a guy you may not even really know. See if he’s really the best fit for you. See if he’s someone you really can LIVE with. Someone that you can spend the rest of your life with AS IS. Then if he’s still a possibility, talk about more… talk about love then.
In saying all that… and going off on a MAJOR tangent. I said that to say… no, I don’t feel the butterflies I usually feel with limerance. But I’m so drawn to Anthony. (wow… I typed an actual name… no initials….I guess AB is out and Anthony is in. lol) Yet, it’s not really limerance I feel for him. It’s so much deeper. I sincerely wanna know HIM. I wanna see HIM, I wanna learn HIM, I wanna know what makes him smile, what irks him, what his real fears are, I wanna know how I can help him be a better man, I wanna know how he can help me become a better woman. He told me that every time he sees me, I add unto him. I thought about that. Science would have us believe that if object A is added to object B, then object A is automatically less than what it was before the addition. However, science is wrong on this one. Anthony adds unto me too. While filling him up, I’m also being filled…and fulfilled.
"Not everything that can be counted COUNTS, and not everything that COUNTS can be counted."
- Albert Einstein
I must confess,
I still don’t feel the butterflies…
But as I get older, I’m starting to realize that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve felt butterflies a million times, yet, I’m still single so that MUST not be the answer. I talked about LIMERANCE in one of my earlier posts, so I won’t go into all that… but as I’ve matured, my outlook on love and marriage has shifted dramatically. I mean, most people…scratch that… most women fall in love with a man, then want to marry Him. They’ll sacrifice all the things they said they wanted to do, achieve, and accomplish, just to be with him all because they stumbled upon “love/limerance”. Most men, however, do what they gotta do, accomplish their goal,s do their thang, then decide that they wanna be married, and go and find a suitable woman. In other words, we find a man, then decide to marry him. They decide to marry, then find a woman.
Emotions/Whims vs. Rationale/Planning.
Women, we go in with our eyes closed…with blinders on… Or like me… we go into it playing around thinking we’re not gonna fall in love or get attached. Lord knows I’ve dated guys just for the sake of dating them…. And I went into it thinking, “I know he’s not what I really want or need …but he’s just something to do til something better comes around”. Then before I knew it, I’m all in love… crying about how different we are and struggling to make it work (flashback of my rocky relationship with TD). Trust me, if you play with fire… you will get burned. And if you don’t… something may be wrong with your sensors.
I’ve honestly begun to think more about adopting the male perspective on this marriage thing. This is why so many of us females are unhappy in our relationship. We meet a dog who we KNOW is a dog... but we ignore it because of the one or two nice things he may do in the beginning… then we straight fall in love and romanticize about the “potential” we see in him and how good he’ll be IF he just change these (insert number) things about himself. We start focusing on the 2% of good he does and ignore 98% of crap/ish/dog pooh he’s really about. Then we marry him and wonder why we’re not happy? We settle. We settle WAY more than we should.
Men…man, men set high standards in which the girl they marry MUST meet at least 90% of whatever they list on their list. … they weigh the pro’s and con’s… AND they are not afraid to walk away from situations that aren’t ideal to them b/c they realize that they if they are gonna spend the rest of their life with someone… she gotta be worth it. Men can separate their feelings from their rationale. HE might really be into that ghettofied, waffle house waitress with the long blonde weave, head turning apple bottom and small waist… that do those amazing tricks erry night… but when he gets ready to find a wife… he’s gonna find someone with class, education, and virtues, that can raise his seed, be his friend and can can stimulate ALL parts of him not just one…. And ladies that’s how we gotta be. We MUST stop basing our life decisions on how we feel today. We must stop basing our life decisions on the “possibility” factor. We must stop basing our life decisions on the fact that he stimulates just one or two parts of us. Have faith in God that He made you just the way He wanted you. He knows everything about you and He also made someone to love you and stimulate all of you just the way you are! (I’m really talking to myself ya’ll so excuse me)
I truly feel that if I spend a little more time getting to know a man’s qualities, flaws, hang-ups, opinions, outlook on life, etc… I’ll be better off making an accurate decision about him than just going off the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. When limerance goes away… what’s left is what will make or break any given relationship… and if you don’t have a firm foundation to stand on… then you’re just NOT gonna make it. No matter how much love you “feel”.
I think that Love is more than just a feeling. Well true love is. Feelings change. Love shouldn’t. The whole notion of falling in and out of love is really what psychologists have termed limerance. But real love just shouldn’t go away like that. It takes time to create love so it should take time to exterminate love as well.
We need to start basing love on the some longitudinal type ish.. like…
be with a guy a full year or two…spend more time “building a friendship” instead of a “sexship”… see how he functions in various settings (alone, with his family, with strangers, with friends, with co-workers etc.)…go to church together, or whatever ya’ll are both into…don’t be afraid to try some new stuff together, look at his flaws and see if they are something you can really deal with (because most ppl change outside relationships not in them…and ladies, we shouldn’t be trying to change him anyways…that’s something he needs to do for himself) grow together, talk to… scratch that, talk with each other, listen to each other, take time to just enjoy each other’s company before rushing into exclusive committed marriage type relationships with a guy you may not even really know. See if he’s really the best fit for you. See if he’s someone you really can LIVE with. Someone that you can spend the rest of your life with AS IS. Then if he’s still a possibility, talk about more… talk about love then.
In saying all that… and going off on a MAJOR tangent. I said that to say… no, I don’t feel the butterflies I usually feel with limerance. But I’m so drawn to Anthony. (wow… I typed an actual name… no initials….I guess AB is out and Anthony is in. lol) Yet, it’s not really limerance I feel for him. It’s so much deeper. I sincerely wanna know HIM. I wanna see HIM, I wanna learn HIM, I wanna know what makes him smile, what irks him, what his real fears are, I wanna know how I can help him be a better man, I wanna know how he can help me become a better woman. He told me that every time he sees me, I add unto him. I thought about that. Science would have us believe that if object A is added to object B, then object A is automatically less than what it was before the addition. However, science is wrong on this one. Anthony adds unto me too. While filling him up, I’m also being filled…and fulfilled.
"Not everything that can be counted COUNTS, and not everything that COUNTS can be counted."
- Albert Einstein
Monday, June 07, 2004
i've got questions....????
*Does absence make the heart grow fonder…or is out of sight out of mind?
*Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? B/c I thought you can’t miss what you never had.
*Is it possible to love someone but not like them?
*Why do we spend so much time trying to be grown for the first 18-20 years of our life, and then spend the rest trying to stay young?
*Is anyone really happy with their life?
*Is ignorance bliss or does the truth really set you free?
*Is less more.. or is the more the merrier?
*Are the best things in life free, or do you get what you pay for?
*Why are the funniest jokes always the ones that hurt others the most?
*Do opposites attract or do birds of a feather flock together?
*How come married people always wanna be single…and single ppl always wanna get married?
*Is it possible for nice guys to finish last AND for cheaters to never win?
*If love is blind, and our eyes are the windows to our soul, can we really love from the depths of our soul?
*Why do we love from the bottom our heart and not the center?
*Has anyone ever killed 2 birds with one stone?
*If nothing under the sun is new and everything comes back full circle, then why is so much emphasis placed on originality?
*If everyone is striving to be different, unique, a nonconformist and a trendsetter doesn’t that in fact make them all the same? Isn’t the truly unique, different, non conformist person the one that actually wants to be unimaginative mundane/ordinary,conforming.... you know.. a follower/copycat?
I need answers... at least to some of them... I actually have more questions... but my fingers hurt.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? B/c I thought you can’t miss what you never had.
*Is it possible to love someone but not like them?
*Why do we spend so much time trying to be grown for the first 18-20 years of our life, and then spend the rest trying to stay young?
*Is anyone really happy with their life?
*Is ignorance bliss or does the truth really set you free?
*Is less more.. or is the more the merrier?
*Are the best things in life free, or do you get what you pay for?
*Why are the funniest jokes always the ones that hurt others the most?
*Do opposites attract or do birds of a feather flock together?
*How come married people always wanna be single…and single ppl always wanna get married?
*Is it possible for nice guys to finish last AND for cheaters to never win?
*If love is blind, and our eyes are the windows to our soul, can we really love from the depths of our soul?
*Why do we love from the bottom our heart and not the center?
*Has anyone ever killed 2 birds with one stone?
*If nothing under the sun is new and everything comes back full circle, then why is so much emphasis placed on originality?
*If everyone is striving to be different, unique, a nonconformist and a trendsetter doesn’t that in fact make them all the same? Isn’t the truly unique, different, non conformist person the one that actually wants to be unimaginative mundane/ordinary,conforming.... you know.. a follower/copycat?
I need answers... at least to some of them... I actually have more questions... but my fingers hurt.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I was just in a daydream about a young man i'm sorta seeing right now. I talked about him briefly in this post.. but we've been kickin it pretty regular lately. I really don't wanna write too much about him...or us, because I HATE getting all worked up and mushy over things that may or may not be a long-term fix. I feel stupid going back and reading how "in love" and "gaga" I was over a guy that only lasted for a month. So i'm gonna be cool about this one...
However, I just had to share one thing with ya. You may think it's pretty dumb but... it gave me butterflies.
I was chillin at his place the monday before last and we were watching something... honestly I don't remember. All I remember was that we had just ate some homemade chili dogs and he had to have a B&M after eating. Which of course I'm not too fond of... but can tolerate. So we're on the floor and he's sitting up against the couch with his legs out b/c I'm laying on his thighs...my back pressed to the carpet...
He's smoking his B&M and trying his hardest not to blow the smoke in my face...then he'll look at me looking at tv... and I'll look at him looking at me... and we'd smile at each other... then look back at tv.
I'm sure I've mentioned how touchy/feely I am. I love being close and cuddling, and touching. I'm very affectionate. The good thing about AB is that he's the same way, and he's completely fine with me being that way. I think that's why we vibe so well.
Anyway... at he starts stroking my hair and face... and it felt so good that I pretty much dozed off. I woke up when he stopped. I wasn't sure for how long I was out, but when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me with the most serious look on his face. I immediately became self conscious and looked up at him with my, what i do? look. He looked deep into my eyes, shook his head and said, "My God, you are beyond beautiful, you are... ethereal."
Ethereal! ETHEREAL! I've NEVER been called ethereal before. And he was sooo friggin serious when he said that. It was by far, the best compliment I've received in forever. I mean, it encompasses soooo much more than just the physical... or just the mental. It's the all around compliment for me. I couldn't do anything but smile.
I was just daydreaming about that.. and i wanted to share it. I could say much more...but i'll spare you. :)
However, I just had to share one thing with ya. You may think it's pretty dumb but... it gave me butterflies.
I was chillin at his place the monday before last and we were watching something... honestly I don't remember. All I remember was that we had just ate some homemade chili dogs and he had to have a B&M after eating. Which of course I'm not too fond of... but can tolerate. So we're on the floor and he's sitting up against the couch with his legs out b/c I'm laying on his thighs...my back pressed to the carpet...
He's smoking his B&M and trying his hardest not to blow the smoke in my face...then he'll look at me looking at tv... and I'll look at him looking at me... and we'd smile at each other... then look back at tv.
I'm sure I've mentioned how touchy/feely I am. I love being close and cuddling, and touching. I'm very affectionate. The good thing about AB is that he's the same way, and he's completely fine with me being that way. I think that's why we vibe so well.
Anyway... at he starts stroking my hair and face... and it felt so good that I pretty much dozed off. I woke up when he stopped. I wasn't sure for how long I was out, but when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me with the most serious look on his face. I immediately became self conscious and looked up at him with my, what i do? look. He looked deep into my eyes, shook his head and said, "My God, you are beyond beautiful, you are... ethereal."
Ethereal! ETHEREAL! I've NEVER been called ethereal before. And he was sooo friggin serious when he said that. It was by far, the best compliment I've received in forever. I mean, it encompasses soooo much more than just the physical... or just the mental. It's the all around compliment for me. I couldn't do anything but smile.
I was just daydreaming about that.. and i wanted to share it. I could say much more...but i'll spare you. :)
The Aftermath
I figure for the next few days, all of my dailies will be blogging about their wonderfully wild holiday weekend. And while honestly I'm looking forward to reading a few stories about drunken episodes & promiscuous escapades, I'm not sure if I want to reveal all of the "brow raising" affairs I've had this weekend.
I don't know... I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. I mean I have, but I haven't wanted to write about what's really going on in my life. I need prayer. I need help. I feel like my life's changing a bit more than I anticipated and I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. The last month or so has been interesting to say the least. So interesting I've actually thought about creating another blog just to be able to put it out there without hesitation. But with so many of the folks I talk about in my blog actually reading my blog now.. I don't think I could give the stories any justice and I'd definitely loose some key folks in my life after I write what's been going on with me as of late.
I feel trapped. I mean, I initially started my journal as a venting method. A way for me to keep track of events in my life... a way to get out some things I usually hold in, a way to release/reveal my true feelings without repercussion. But somewhere down the road I forgot why I wrote. I wanted an audience. I wanted my friends to know how I felt. I encouraged...sometimes even forced them to read my sweet nothings. Since nothing was really going on in my life then, it was easy to share my true feelings about nothing.... But now...well, now things are different. There's so much I want to say, need to say... I'm pregnant with these stories, feelings, and experiences....and I'm just waiting to birth them. The labor pains are here... I'm fully dialated... but I can't seem to push it out. I can't let it out because I'm afraid of the ramifications. I've let too many people in...and now I can't undo what's done. I can't admit to saying the things I said I'd never say, I can't admit to doing the things I said I'd never do. So where do I go from here...
I don't know... I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. I mean I have, but I haven't wanted to write about what's really going on in my life. I need prayer. I need help. I feel like my life's changing a bit more than I anticipated and I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. The last month or so has been interesting to say the least. So interesting I've actually thought about creating another blog just to be able to put it out there without hesitation. But with so many of the folks I talk about in my blog actually reading my blog now.. I don't think I could give the stories any justice and I'd definitely loose some key folks in my life after I write what's been going on with me as of late.
I feel trapped. I mean, I initially started my journal as a venting method. A way for me to keep track of events in my life... a way to get out some things I usually hold in, a way to release/reveal my true feelings without repercussion. But somewhere down the road I forgot why I wrote. I wanted an audience. I wanted my friends to know how I felt. I encouraged...sometimes even forced them to read my sweet nothings. Since nothing was really going on in my life then, it was easy to share my true feelings about nothing.... But now...well, now things are different. There's so much I want to say, need to say... I'm pregnant with these stories, feelings, and experiences....and I'm just waiting to birth them. The labor pains are here... I'm fully dialated... but I can't seem to push it out. I can't let it out because I'm afraid of the ramifications. I've let too many people in...and now I can't undo what's done. I can't admit to saying the things I said I'd never say, I can't admit to doing the things I said I'd never do. So where do I go from here...
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Reminiscin'......
TD was the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had since my '02 fiance fiasco. I talked briefly about him when I began my blog.
Even though I haven't mentioned him since December, I think about him every blue moon. Certain songs make me think of him...like anything by Patti LaBelle, Beyonce, or TI. And since it's been getting warm, memories of us last summer have been filling my head quite frequently. Upon thinking about our good and bad times, I'll smile and sometimes laugh quietly, then I move on.
Out of the blue, he called me saturday night just to say hi and to hear my voice. It stirred some things in me that I didn't realize was still there. How can love be dormant? How could all of the feelings I thought left when he left re-surface as soon as I hear his voice. We talked for hours about everything. I think we talked more saturday and sunday then we did the entire 6 months we were together. When we hung up, I felt like I was reliving his departure all over again. I wanted to cry and while I know why I don't really understand why. Why do I still have feelings for him? I've moved on...he's moved on. But "it's" still there... I still feel it for him...and I can tell he still feels it for me. I recently visited a blog talking about chemistry, but I don't remember whose blog it was ...and I'm to lazy to go through all my dailies to find out... but they posed a really good question about it. Does the chemistry between two people ever really go away? I mean I've liked the guys I've dated/am dating since TD and I split, but I haven't felt THIS kinda connection with ANYONE. And I don't know WHY i'm so drawn to HIM. We weren't good for each other. He didn't bring the best out in me, didn't treat me like I should have been treated, and didn't give his all. We didn't really complement each other and I'd almost swear we are from opposite ends of the earth...yet He's the one I was absolutely CRAZY IN LOVE with. Love is funny.
The guys I that seem to fit me so perfectly I never fall for...
Even though I haven't mentioned him since December, I think about him every blue moon. Certain songs make me think of him...like anything by Patti LaBelle, Beyonce, or TI. And since it's been getting warm, memories of us last summer have been filling my head quite frequently. Upon thinking about our good and bad times, I'll smile and sometimes laugh quietly, then I move on.
Out of the blue, he called me saturday night just to say hi and to hear my voice. It stirred some things in me that I didn't realize was still there. How can love be dormant? How could all of the feelings I thought left when he left re-surface as soon as I hear his voice. We talked for hours about everything. I think we talked more saturday and sunday then we did the entire 6 months we were together. When we hung up, I felt like I was reliving his departure all over again. I wanted to cry and while I know why I don't really understand why. Why do I still have feelings for him? I've moved on...he's moved on. But "it's" still there... I still feel it for him...and I can tell he still feels it for me. I recently visited a blog talking about chemistry, but I don't remember whose blog it was ...and I'm to lazy to go through all my dailies to find out... but they posed a really good question about it. Does the chemistry between two people ever really go away? I mean I've liked the guys I've dated/am dating since TD and I split, but I haven't felt THIS kinda connection with ANYONE. And I don't know WHY i'm so drawn to HIM. We weren't good for each other. He didn't bring the best out in me, didn't treat me like I should have been treated, and didn't give his all. We didn't really complement each other and I'd almost swear we are from opposite ends of the earth...yet He's the one I was absolutely CRAZY IN LOVE with. Love is funny.
The guys I that seem to fit me so perfectly I never fall for...
Monday, May 24, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Monday, May 17, 2004
Aight...it's long... real long... but here goes...
Well whenever I say "i'll tell you tomorrow"... just know that tomorrow = the next time I can write.
I told myself that I'd never step foot into a club again. A few of the reasons are already expressed in young females' blogs everywhere. I HATE the smokey atmosphere...inhaling all that garbage...ugh! It makes me sick to my stomach. Then to top it off, a few jealous females have burned my arms with the butt of their cigarette on a few occassions. I hate the brotha who buys you a drink and think ya'll should be together for the rest of the night. I hate being grabbed and called "lil Shawty" and blah blah blah...
But the biggest reason I hate going to clubs is this....I've realized that I have an "Attention all crazy, psycho, stalker guys: I really want you to come over and talk to me because I feel you're my soulmate" sign tattoo'ed on my forehead! I KNOW I do. It's just too much for it to be a coincidence that this crazy stuff ALWAYS happens to me. No matter when, what club, who i'm with, what i'm wearing, how i look, I am ALWAYS approached within 3 minutes of my stepping that first toe into the club by a guy who "saw me and the world stopped for him". I mean this isn't a new phenomenon for me... this has been happening my entire life!! I'm talking about even when I was rocking the not-so-fresh glasses and braces.
A guy will see me, approach me, wanna talk all night... buy me a million drinks (and my friends drinks), try to keep me on the dance floor with him all night, won't let me out of his sight, tell me how he wants me to meet his mamma... wanna hug and kiss on me, wanna tell me his life story and everything else on his mind,wanna hold my hand, want me to meet all his friends he came to the club with, wanna fight any dude that comes up to me.. (even if that's the dude I came with), wanna follow my scared behind all the way to the ladies room door and wait for me to come back out, wanna give me his number(s) and email adress and business card and home address, wanna take pictures with me, wanna follow me to my car, wanna make me get out of my car and get in his, and even wanna stand in front of my car so i won't leave the club..I'm talking bout they be crazy in love and don't even KNOW me.... just craziness. One time a guy even got up and sung a song in the middle of a doggone private party my friend was having at the club and had the nerve to dedicate it to me. ugh. Why me. WHY ME. My friends even start betting on how long it will take for that one "i'm looking for a wifey" guy to come up to ME once we step in the club. The longest was 3 minutes and 36 seconds.
Having said this, guess what happens when AM convinced me to go to the "happy hour" with him and Omar at Club Chaos 2 thursdays ago??? Yup that's right.. some craziness.
So after 30 minutes of AM begging me to come to the club cause he wanted to finish talking to me, I said alright. He knows I don't drink so my only reason for going WAS to be in his company for a while. Well... we get there and of course it's about 16 people total up in there b/c we got there at like 10 on a thursday. (omar wanted to get his drank on early) So AM, Omar and I walked in together and we all go to the bar. They order something, I don't. There were about 4 other girls there and the rest were guys who had the same idea Omar had. So, I'm standing with my back to the bar looking around, waiting for AM and Omar to do what they do, so AM and I can chat for a while and I could go home. There was this guy standing to my right whom I didn't even notice was there until he whispered in my ear, "dang u cute." So I look at him and casually say thanks. He looked like he was waiting for more... but I didn't give it to him. He was one of those guys that seem like he never has to do any work to get women b/c THEY hit on HIM all the time. He didn't respond to well to the fact that I was completely ignoring him.
AM sipped on something clear and walked off into the dark. I asked Omar where AM was going and he just shrugged. So I just leaned back on the bar and looked at the empty dance floor wondering how long I'd have to be there. I made a mistake. A BIG MISTAKE. I... I.... I glanced at him. Yeah... i glanced to my right just to see what was going on over there... and ole boy was still there just staring at me. Of course he glanced off as soon as I turned my head his way which is what really shifted my eyes to him. Anyway, I kinda smirked b/c he looked so funny staring at absolutely nothing in my direction...and he thought my smirk was an opportunity to say something else to me. He asked me to dance about 15 times before I finally decided to do it. I am a sucker for persistence. I give in way too fast if I'm tired of someone asking me the same thing over and over. It's one of my many flaws.
So we're dancing.... well he's dancing and I'm half laughing, half looking for AM, and half enjoying this IDIOT dancing around me like he's a stripper and I'm the bride-to-be. You can tell he DEFINITELY loved the spotlight. The one time I did look at him before the "Drama", he was actually kinda cute. Nice light eyes, strong jaw bone, full lips... a little slender for my taste but who cares... I sure didn't. I tried to dance as little as possible so he'd get bored and stop wanting and asking to dance with me . But just my luck, my lack of interest in dancing and him seemed to turn him on more. He start talking while we were on the floor and before I know it, he's pretty much giving me that, "i think we have a really deep connection" line. I tried to completely stop dancing but, the less I moved the closer he got so he could move me himself. At one point, I was standing still looking at Omar hoping he'd see my face and rescue me, while ole dancing dude just kept on swirling around me dancing like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. and that's when it happened....
AM came back...with a new drink and a weird look on his face. He watched me and "John Travolta" for about a good 8 minutes before whispering something to Omar and walking to the VIP section. About 3 minutes later, I told ole dude that I was tired and that I was gonna check on my friends. Sadly he said okay and FOLLOWED me to Omar and stood there while I talked to Omar. The crowd was still scarce, heck.. he and I were the ONLY ones on the floor...lol. But more ppl had filled in since we first got there. I asked Omar where AM was, he nodded to the couches in the VIP section..and I (with john travolta trailing me) went to AM. I sat down beside him and told him I was sleepy. That's when I noticed his eyes half closed.
Me: Are you drunk?
AM: hahahahhaa
Me: o...k... you're drunk. *plopping back in my seat w/my arms folded* Great!
AM: you know what sway... i'm so drunk right now. hahaha. the room is spinning. you should try this. *holding his glass out to me*
Me: That's aight. I'm good.
John Travolta: *leans over from behind the couch on the other side of me and whispers* You rested yet?
Me: *shaking my head no* Naw, I'm through for tonight. Imma stay over here with my friend.
John Travolta: *looking disappointed and kinda mad* Alright I'll be back later.
AM: Who is that duck a$$ dude you was dancing with?
Me: What does it matter?
AM: *after taking a sip and a letting out a loud sigh* Sway, I gotta tell you something.
Me: Yeah
AM: I'm gonna start sellin. I can't take this bullsh** job anymore. I used to make in a month what I make in a year....
Me: whoa, whoa... hold up. You jokin right.. I mean...
AM: Naw I'm fo real. Man, I tried to do the right thing. I was going to church and errthang.. but it just aint workin fo me. Sellin is in my blood. I dream about that sh**. Man, I calclualted how much I'd make when I get my PhD and it's depressin. I can't live like this. I need...
Me: But what if you get caught? A... you not thinking straight. This is crazy. *getting all worked up*
AM: I aint gone get caught, I got folks to sell fo me. I'm just gone make some calls...and i'm out the game baby. Simple as.....Sway are you crying?
Me: *with tears in my eyes cuz I'm sooo mad at him* NO
So he gives me this big hug and tells me he's so sorry for making me cry. He's not gonna sell, he just said that to see what I'd do and if I cared. He kept hugging me and telling me he loved me and he's sorry for testing me. He claims the reason he got so distant earlier this year was b/c he was really falling for me and was scared and needed to sort out his feelings. But he loves me and he just wanted to know if I loved him and he wants to get back together and blah blah blah (i charge this entire conversation to the alcohol). All while he's doing that, I'm letting the few tears fall and I am getting more and more upset at him for taking me through this and I'm trying to get away from his grip...but he's way too strong for me. About this time, John Travolta comes back around and taps me (in mid hug with AM) on the shoulder for the 4th time since me and AM had been sitting there...
AM gets up and pushes John Travolta talking about "Can't you see I'm with my woman. She said she don't wanna dance with you." AM was completely wasted and you could tell b/c he was so loud with it and he could hardly keep his balance. I dunno if John Travolta grew some Kahunas to save face since everyone in the VIP section was looking or what but he stepped right up to AM...and this dude was way smaller than AM. So they go to pushing each other and saying some crazy remarks and the guy was like, "nigg@ she don't want you, she want me" and AM punches him square in the jaw. The ppl in VIP all scream and gasp and a bigger crowd draws near while Omar comes pushing through. AM and John Travolta are on the ground and AM is drunkingly tussling with this lil guy. The security come about 3 punches into it and throws us all out the club and all AM does is laugh. I was soooo HOT. I went off on him and got in my car and left him and Omar there. Omar said he ended up driving back because AM was too gone to even open his own door. That was such a turn off for me. You probably won't be hearing me talk much about him anymore. I haven't talked to him since then even though he's called a few times. I'm still upset about that. I'll let you know what happens if I ever do accept his call.
I told myself that I'd never step foot into a club again. A few of the reasons are already expressed in young females' blogs everywhere. I HATE the smokey atmosphere...inhaling all that garbage...ugh! It makes me sick to my stomach. Then to top it off, a few jealous females have burned my arms with the butt of their cigarette on a few occassions. I hate the brotha who buys you a drink and think ya'll should be together for the rest of the night. I hate being grabbed and called "lil Shawty" and blah blah blah...
But the biggest reason I hate going to clubs is this....I've realized that I have an "Attention all crazy, psycho, stalker guys: I really want you to come over and talk to me because I feel you're my soulmate" sign tattoo'ed on my forehead! I KNOW I do. It's just too much for it to be a coincidence that this crazy stuff ALWAYS happens to me. No matter when, what club, who i'm with, what i'm wearing, how i look, I am ALWAYS approached within 3 minutes of my stepping that first toe into the club by a guy who "saw me and the world stopped for him". I mean this isn't a new phenomenon for me... this has been happening my entire life!! I'm talking about even when I was rocking the not-so-fresh glasses and braces.
A guy will see me, approach me, wanna talk all night... buy me a million drinks (and my friends drinks), try to keep me on the dance floor with him all night, won't let me out of his sight, tell me how he wants me to meet his mamma... wanna hug and kiss on me, wanna tell me his life story and everything else on his mind,wanna hold my hand, want me to meet all his friends he came to the club with, wanna fight any dude that comes up to me.. (even if that's the dude I came with), wanna follow my scared behind all the way to the ladies room door and wait for me to come back out, wanna give me his number(s) and email adress and business card and home address, wanna take pictures with me, wanna follow me to my car, wanna make me get out of my car and get in his, and even wanna stand in front of my car so i won't leave the club..I'm talking bout they be crazy in love and don't even KNOW me.... just craziness. One time a guy even got up and sung a song in the middle of a doggone private party my friend was having at the club and had the nerve to dedicate it to me. ugh. Why me. WHY ME. My friends even start betting on how long it will take for that one "i'm looking for a wifey" guy to come up to ME once we step in the club. The longest was 3 minutes and 36 seconds.
Having said this, guess what happens when AM convinced me to go to the "happy hour" with him and Omar at Club Chaos 2 thursdays ago??? Yup that's right.. some craziness.
So after 30 minutes of AM begging me to come to the club cause he wanted to finish talking to me, I said alright. He knows I don't drink so my only reason for going WAS to be in his company for a while. Well... we get there and of course it's about 16 people total up in there b/c we got there at like 10 on a thursday. (omar wanted to get his drank on early) So AM, Omar and I walked in together and we all go to the bar. They order something, I don't. There were about 4 other girls there and the rest were guys who had the same idea Omar had. So, I'm standing with my back to the bar looking around, waiting for AM and Omar to do what they do, so AM and I can chat for a while and I could go home. There was this guy standing to my right whom I didn't even notice was there until he whispered in my ear, "dang u cute." So I look at him and casually say thanks. He looked like he was waiting for more... but I didn't give it to him. He was one of those guys that seem like he never has to do any work to get women b/c THEY hit on HIM all the time. He didn't respond to well to the fact that I was completely ignoring him.
AM sipped on something clear and walked off into the dark. I asked Omar where AM was going and he just shrugged. So I just leaned back on the bar and looked at the empty dance floor wondering how long I'd have to be there. I made a mistake. A BIG MISTAKE. I... I.... I glanced at him. Yeah... i glanced to my right just to see what was going on over there... and ole boy was still there just staring at me. Of course he glanced off as soon as I turned my head his way which is what really shifted my eyes to him. Anyway, I kinda smirked b/c he looked so funny staring at absolutely nothing in my direction...and he thought my smirk was an opportunity to say something else to me. He asked me to dance about 15 times before I finally decided to do it. I am a sucker for persistence. I give in way too fast if I'm tired of someone asking me the same thing over and over. It's one of my many flaws.
So we're dancing.... well he's dancing and I'm half laughing, half looking for AM, and half enjoying this IDIOT dancing around me like he's a stripper and I'm the bride-to-be. You can tell he DEFINITELY loved the spotlight. The one time I did look at him before the "Drama", he was actually kinda cute. Nice light eyes, strong jaw bone, full lips... a little slender for my taste but who cares... I sure didn't. I tried to dance as little as possible so he'd get bored and stop wanting and asking to dance with me . But just my luck, my lack of interest in dancing and him seemed to turn him on more. He start talking while we were on the floor and before I know it, he's pretty much giving me that, "i think we have a really deep connection" line. I tried to completely stop dancing but, the less I moved the closer he got so he could move me himself. At one point, I was standing still looking at Omar hoping he'd see my face and rescue me, while ole dancing dude just kept on swirling around me dancing like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. and that's when it happened....
AM came back...with a new drink and a weird look on his face. He watched me and "John Travolta" for about a good 8 minutes before whispering something to Omar and walking to the VIP section. About 3 minutes later, I told ole dude that I was tired and that I was gonna check on my friends. Sadly he said okay and FOLLOWED me to Omar and stood there while I talked to Omar. The crowd was still scarce, heck.. he and I were the ONLY ones on the floor...lol. But more ppl had filled in since we first got there. I asked Omar where AM was, he nodded to the couches in the VIP section..and I (with john travolta trailing me) went to AM. I sat down beside him and told him I was sleepy. That's when I noticed his eyes half closed.
Me: Are you drunk?
AM: hahahahhaa
Me: o...k... you're drunk. *plopping back in my seat w/my arms folded* Great!
AM: you know what sway... i'm so drunk right now. hahaha. the room is spinning. you should try this. *holding his glass out to me*
Me: That's aight. I'm good.
John Travolta: *leans over from behind the couch on the other side of me and whispers* You rested yet?
Me: *shaking my head no* Naw, I'm through for tonight. Imma stay over here with my friend.
John Travolta: *looking disappointed and kinda mad* Alright I'll be back later.
AM: Who is that duck a$$ dude you was dancing with?
Me: What does it matter?
AM: *after taking a sip and a letting out a loud sigh* Sway, I gotta tell you something.
Me: Yeah
AM: I'm gonna start sellin. I can't take this bullsh** job anymore. I used to make in a month what I make in a year....
Me: whoa, whoa... hold up. You jokin right.. I mean...
AM: Naw I'm fo real. Man, I tried to do the right thing. I was going to church and errthang.. but it just aint workin fo me. Sellin is in my blood. I dream about that sh**. Man, I calclualted how much I'd make when I get my PhD and it's depressin. I can't live like this. I need...
Me: But what if you get caught? A... you not thinking straight. This is crazy. *getting all worked up*
AM: I aint gone get caught, I got folks to sell fo me. I'm just gone make some calls...and i'm out the game baby. Simple as.....Sway are you crying?
Me: *with tears in my eyes cuz I'm sooo mad at him* NO
So he gives me this big hug and tells me he's so sorry for making me cry. He's not gonna sell, he just said that to see what I'd do and if I cared. He kept hugging me and telling me he loved me and he's sorry for testing me. He claims the reason he got so distant earlier this year was b/c he was really falling for me and was scared and needed to sort out his feelings. But he loves me and he just wanted to know if I loved him and he wants to get back together and blah blah blah (i charge this entire conversation to the alcohol). All while he's doing that, I'm letting the few tears fall and I am getting more and more upset at him for taking me through this and I'm trying to get away from his grip...but he's way too strong for me. About this time, John Travolta comes back around and taps me (in mid hug with AM) on the shoulder for the 4th time since me and AM had been sitting there...
AM gets up and pushes John Travolta talking about "Can't you see I'm with my woman. She said she don't wanna dance with you." AM was completely wasted and you could tell b/c he was so loud with it and he could hardly keep his balance. I dunno if John Travolta grew some Kahunas to save face since everyone in the VIP section was looking or what but he stepped right up to AM...and this dude was way smaller than AM. So they go to pushing each other and saying some crazy remarks and the guy was like, "nigg@ she don't want you, she want me" and AM punches him square in the jaw. The ppl in VIP all scream and gasp and a bigger crowd draws near while Omar comes pushing through. AM and John Travolta are on the ground and AM is drunkingly tussling with this lil guy. The security come about 3 punches into it and throws us all out the club and all AM does is laugh. I was soooo HOT. I went off on him and got in my car and left him and Omar there. Omar said he ended up driving back because AM was too gone to even open his own door. That was such a turn off for me. You probably won't be hearing me talk much about him anymore. I haven't talked to him since then even though he's called a few times. I'm still upset about that. I'll let you know what happens if I ever do accept his call.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
So when did blogger (blogspot) change it's site?
I guess I've been gone for a while. I am just realizing everything's different here. I think I like it better. I'm not sure yet. Anyway... I've been scared to write. There's been plenty of things to shoot the breeze about but sometime in the last week, I've become fairly superstitious. I mean not about everything, but I think I've been so afraid to write about what's been going on because it seems that everytime I write about something or someone....things change...and I don't want things to change.
I met a guy. The first time our eyes met they locked and neither of us could shift our gaze. There were no fireworks or butterflies. No floating feeling or sweaty palms... but something was there. We conversed for a while and on a whim, I gave him my info.
We would talk every once in a while and I became more and more interested in him, well at least until I found out he was younger than I. This has always been an issue for me. I don't know why I have this complex...but I just WON'T date a younger guy... it immediately turns me off. So, I started to distance myself from him and I think he sensed it because the further I strayed, the harder he tried to pull me back in. Well finally I agreed to see him again, to just chill or what not the saturday b4 last and I had the best time I've had in a long while. When I saw him again, I instantly remembered why I gave him my number in the first place. He's a real down to earth cat and I didn't even notice the age difference...which is VERY rare for me b/c usually it's all I can think about.
I felt like I was at home. I got so comfortable there that I kicked off my shoes, curled up on the couch and just layed there and talked to him for nearly the entire afternoon. It felt good to meet someone that noticed and appreciated the little things about me. Like.. he realized that I have two small freckles/moles/i dunno..... on my face.. one close to my lip and one by my left eye. I mean they are sooooo small you'd have to practically be IN my skin to see them, but he noticed. He also noticed that I blink twice really fast before I blush. I thought it was cute that he was so attentive. I left his house before sunset and hoped he thought of me as much as i thought of him.
HE CALLED the next day to say he was thinking of me. I didn't know guys still did that. I was happy to learn otherwise. I didn't have time to talk for long, but all day, I thought of him. He said that he had to see me again. So we decided to go to the Najee concert at Centennial Park together. I was so excited. See, when I daydream between working and blogging, I often picture myself on a warm day at the park with someone special, just relaxing...enjoying nature and each other. So this was really special for me.
AB, (who happens to have the same first name as my last love interest,AM) was waiting outside for me when I got to his house. I wanted to meet him there b/c I wanted an excuse to come back there once we left the concert. It was just that cozy. :) I must say, that wednesday outing with AB was exactly what I needed. We kissed goodnight and I smiled all the way home.
My high ended that night when I received a phone call from AM. Yup. A freakin M . This so and so hadn't called me in like 2 weeks before that saturday I went out with AB. And he just so happen to call at the times AB and I were out or talking to one another... so I'd always tell him that I'll call him back. I guess the harsh reality hit him that Sway wasn't paying him any attention anymore b/c she's now intersted in someone else... well like a true brotha....his little feelings were hurt that I wasn't stroking his ego and wasn't there for him as much...so he brought out his A game to try and "win" me back. So thursday afternoon, AM shows up at my job with "just because" flowers and he asked me if I had plans for that night. He asked if I'd hang with him b/c he missed my company and he begin to explain why he's been distant lately. I listened... I'm not sure if I should have.
Anyway, he drove me to his place after work and we chilled with Omar for a while. Around 10, i asked him to take me back to get my car so I could head home. He wasn't trying to hear it. He wanted me to come with him and Omar to the club for a little while. After 30 minutes of him begging and me saying no, i finally said okay. Let me tell you that was the craziest experience I had in a long time. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. I'm sure that story will take up a whole post. So til then...
I met a guy. The first time our eyes met they locked and neither of us could shift our gaze. There were no fireworks or butterflies. No floating feeling or sweaty palms... but something was there. We conversed for a while and on a whim, I gave him my info.
We would talk every once in a while and I became more and more interested in him, well at least until I found out he was younger than I. This has always been an issue for me. I don't know why I have this complex...but I just WON'T date a younger guy... it immediately turns me off. So, I started to distance myself from him and I think he sensed it because the further I strayed, the harder he tried to pull me back in. Well finally I agreed to see him again, to just chill or what not the saturday b4 last and I had the best time I've had in a long while. When I saw him again, I instantly remembered why I gave him my number in the first place. He's a real down to earth cat and I didn't even notice the age difference...which is VERY rare for me b/c usually it's all I can think about.
I felt like I was at home. I got so comfortable there that I kicked off my shoes, curled up on the couch and just layed there and talked to him for nearly the entire afternoon. It felt good to meet someone that noticed and appreciated the little things about me. Like.. he realized that I have two small freckles/moles/i dunno..... on my face.. one close to my lip and one by my left eye. I mean they are sooooo small you'd have to practically be IN my skin to see them, but he noticed. He also noticed that I blink twice really fast before I blush. I thought it was cute that he was so attentive. I left his house before sunset and hoped he thought of me as much as i thought of him.
HE CALLED the next day to say he was thinking of me. I didn't know guys still did that. I was happy to learn otherwise. I didn't have time to talk for long, but all day, I thought of him. He said that he had to see me again. So we decided to go to the Najee concert at Centennial Park together. I was so excited. See, when I daydream between working and blogging, I often picture myself on a warm day at the park with someone special, just relaxing...enjoying nature and each other. So this was really special for me.
AB, (who happens to have the same first name as my last love interest,AM) was waiting outside for me when I got to his house. I wanted to meet him there b/c I wanted an excuse to come back there once we left the concert. It was just that cozy. :) I must say, that wednesday outing with AB was exactly what I needed. We kissed goodnight and I smiled all the way home.
My high ended that night when I received a phone call from AM. Yup. A freakin M . This so and so hadn't called me in like 2 weeks before that saturday I went out with AB. And he just so happen to call at the times AB and I were out or talking to one another... so I'd always tell him that I'll call him back. I guess the harsh reality hit him that Sway wasn't paying him any attention anymore b/c she's now intersted in someone else... well like a true brotha....his little feelings were hurt that I wasn't stroking his ego and wasn't there for him as much...so he brought out his A game to try and "win" me back. So thursday afternoon, AM shows up at my job with "just because" flowers and he asked me if I had plans for that night. He asked if I'd hang with him b/c he missed my company and he begin to explain why he's been distant lately. I listened... I'm not sure if I should have.
Anyway, he drove me to his place after work and we chilled with Omar for a while. Around 10, i asked him to take me back to get my car so I could head home. He wasn't trying to hear it. He wanted me to come with him and Omar to the club for a little while. After 30 minutes of him begging and me saying no, i finally said okay. Let me tell you that was the craziest experience I had in a long time. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. I'm sure that story will take up a whole post. So til then...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)