Things have been going pretty well between AB and I. He’s full of unique compliments, affection, and genuine interest. He’s the type of guy that asks me when he can see me again before I can step in his door good. *lol* He’s the type of guy that will hold onto my thighs or waist when I try to get up from the couch because I told him 10 minutes ago that I gotta leave. He’s the kind of guy that would turn off the NBA finals in mid dunk just to prove that I have his undivided attention when I speak… (even though I was just saying “dang I’m glad Ben Wallace braided those naps he got. Whew!”..*lol* and I quickly told him to turn it back on. lol) He’s they kind of guy that will call a few times a day just to say “hey”. He’s the kind of guy that will hold your hand the entire time he’s driving. He’s the kind of guy that has dinner cooked when he knows I’m coming over. I like that kind of guy. I can definitely get used to this. Gramma always said, “beybee… to be happily murry'd, find a man that luv you mo’ den you luv him”. I’m beginning to see the benefits of that. :) Not to say that I’m not feeling him or anything… but it’s nice to be chased…courted...and desired without feeling like you have to reciprocate all that on an even higher level.
I must confess,
I still don’t feel the butterflies…
But as I get older, I’m starting to realize that’s not such a bad thing. I’ve felt butterflies a million times, yet, I’m still single so that MUST not be the answer. I talked about LIMERANCE in one of my earlier posts, so I won’t go into all that… but as I’ve matured, my outlook on love and marriage has shifted dramatically. I mean, most people…scratch that… most women fall in love with a man, then want to marry Him. They’ll sacrifice all the things they said they wanted to do, achieve, and accomplish, just to be with him all because they stumbled upon “love/limerance”. Most men, however, do what they gotta do, accomplish their goal,s do their thang, then decide that they wanna be married, and go and find a suitable woman. In other words, we find a man, then decide to marry him. They decide to marry, then find a woman.
Emotions/Whims vs. Rationale/Planning.
Women, we go in with our eyes closed…with blinders on… Or like me… we go into it playing around thinking we’re not gonna fall in love or get attached. Lord knows I’ve dated guys just for the sake of dating them…. And I went into it thinking, “I know he’s not what I really want or need …but he’s just something to do til something better comes around”. Then before I knew it, I’m all in love… crying about how different we are and struggling to make it work (flashback of my rocky relationship with TD). Trust me, if you play with fire… you will get burned. And if you don’t… something may be wrong with your sensors.
I’ve honestly begun to think more about adopting the male perspective on this marriage thing. This is why so many of us females are unhappy in our relationship. We meet a dog who we KNOW is a dog... but we ignore it because of the one or two nice things he may do in the beginning… then we straight fall in love and romanticize about the “potential” we see in him and how good he’ll be IF he just change these (insert number) things about himself. We start focusing on the 2% of good he does and ignore 98% of crap/ish/dog pooh he’s really about. Then we marry him and wonder why we’re not happy? We settle. We settle WAY more than we should.
Men…man, men set high standards in which the girl they marry MUST meet at least 90% of whatever they list on their list. … they weigh the pro’s and con’s… AND they are not afraid to walk away from situations that aren’t ideal to them b/c they realize that they if they are gonna spend the rest of their life with someone… she gotta be worth it. Men can separate their feelings from their rationale. HE might really be into that ghettofied, waffle house waitress with the long blonde weave, head turning apple bottom and small waist… that do those amazing tricks erry night… but when he gets ready to find a wife… he’s gonna find someone with class, education, and virtues, that can raise his seed, be his friend and can can stimulate ALL parts of him not just one…. And ladies that’s how we gotta be. We MUST stop basing our life decisions on how we feel today. We must stop basing our life decisions on the “possibility” factor. We must stop basing our life decisions on the fact that he stimulates just one or two parts of us. Have faith in God that He made you just the way He wanted you. He knows everything about you and He also made someone to love you and stimulate all of you just the way you are! (I’m really talking to myself ya’ll so excuse me)
I truly feel that if I spend a little more time getting to know a man’s qualities, flaws, hang-ups, opinions, outlook on life, etc… I’ll be better off making an accurate decision about him than just going off the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. When limerance goes away… what’s left is what will make or break any given relationship… and if you don’t have a firm foundation to stand on… then you’re just NOT gonna make it. No matter how much love you “feel”.
I think that Love is more than just a feeling. Well true love is. Feelings change. Love shouldn’t. The whole notion of falling in and out of love is really what psychologists have termed limerance. But real love just shouldn’t go away like that. It takes time to create love so it should take time to exterminate love as well.
We need to start basing love on the some longitudinal type ish.. like…
be with a guy a full year or two…spend more time “building a friendship” instead of a “sexship”… see how he functions in various settings (alone, with his family, with strangers, with friends, with co-workers etc.)…go to church together, or whatever ya’ll are both into…don’t be afraid to try some new stuff together, look at his flaws and see if they are something you can really deal with (because most ppl change outside relationships not in them…and ladies, we shouldn’t be trying to change him anyways…that’s something he needs to do for himself) grow together, talk to… scratch that, talk with each other, listen to each other, take time to just enjoy each other’s company before rushing into exclusive committed marriage type relationships with a guy you may not even really know. See if he’s really the best fit for you. See if he’s someone you really can LIVE with. Someone that you can spend the rest of your life with AS IS. Then if he’s still a possibility, talk about more… talk about love then.
In saying all that… and going off on a MAJOR tangent. I said that to say… no, I don’t feel the butterflies I usually feel with limerance. But I’m so drawn to Anthony. (wow… I typed an actual name… no initials….I guess AB is out and Anthony is in. lol) Yet, it’s not really limerance I feel for him. It’s so much deeper. I sincerely wanna know HIM. I wanna see HIM, I wanna learn HIM, I wanna know what makes him smile, what irks him, what his real fears are, I wanna know how I can help him be a better man, I wanna know how he can help me become a better woman. He told me that every time he sees me, I add unto him. I thought about that. Science would have us believe that if object A is added to object B, then object A is automatically less than what it was before the addition. However, science is wrong on this one. Anthony adds unto me too. While filling him up, I’m also being filled…and fulfilled.
"Not everything that can be counted COUNTS, and not everything that COUNTS can be counted."
- Albert Einstein
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