The Aftermath

I figure for the next few days, all of my dailies will be blogging about their wonderfully wild holiday weekend. And while honestly I'm looking forward to reading a few stories about drunken episodes & promiscuous escapades, I'm not sure if I want to reveal all of the "brow raising" affairs I've had this weekend.

I don't know... I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. I mean I have, but I haven't wanted to write about what's really going on in my life. I need prayer. I need help. I feel like my life's changing a bit more than I anticipated and I'm not sure if it's for the better or not. The last month or so has been interesting to say the least. So interesting I've actually thought about creating another blog just to be able to put it out there without hesitation. But with so many of the folks I talk about in my blog actually reading my blog now.. I don't think I could give the stories any justice and I'd definitely loose some key folks in my life after I write what's been going on with me as of late.

I feel trapped. I mean, I initially started my journal as a venting method. A way for me to keep track of events in my life... a way to get out some things I usually hold in, a way to release/reveal my true feelings without repercussion. But somewhere down the road I forgot why I wrote. I wanted an audience. I wanted my friends to know how I felt. I encouraged...sometimes even forced them to read my sweet nothings. Since nothing was really going on in my life then, it was easy to share my true feelings about nothing.... But now...well, now things are different. There's so much I want to say, need to say... I'm pregnant with these stories, feelings, and experiences....and I'm just waiting to birth them. The labor pains are here... I'm fully dialated... but I can't seem to push it out. I can't let it out because I'm afraid of the ramifications. I've let too many people in...and now I can't undo what's done. I can't admit to saying the things I said I'd never say, I can't admit to doing the things I said I'd never do. So where do I go from here...