Holiday Date

Friday Dec 28th, 2007
continued...

“Ummmm. Hooow did you get my number?” I questioned.

“Your cousin gave it to me.” He said confidently.

Great! So he has both of our numbers??? WTH?

As if sensing my confusion, he began explaining that she had took a few more “provocative” pictures towards the end of the night and he wasn’t able to develop them then. She gave him her number so she could pick them up at a later time. Apparently he called her this morning to tell her that her pictures were ready and to ask for my number.

I should kill her.

“Oh. Okay?” I said impatiently. I am soooo irritated at my cousin. And his chipperness was not helping.

“Well, I was wondering if you were busy tonight. I’d love to take you out.” He shouted.

Why is this dude so LOUD!!!

“Well I dunno…” I started. But I couldn’t really make up a good lie.

“Aww. Come on Sway. It’ll be fun. We’ll just go out and have some fun. Nothing heavy.” He beamed.

“Ummm…well call me later. I’m still sleep now. I won’t remember this convo very well.”

He said okay and we hung up.

After immediately calling my cousin and chewing her out, I decided that I couldn’t sleep anymore. I hate when my sleep is interrupted. I walk over to my venetian blinds and let the sunshine overtake my living room. Wow…what a beautiful day. I squinted as I looked out my windows at the cars driving by.

I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out on a mini-date. Besides, I need to get my mind off of Usher. Since Christmas, he’s been calling. He knows how upset I was about Miss. Semi-Naked Girl on his phone. I guess he was just trying to get back in my good graces. That’s what I hate about loving someone. Even though I know he’s lying and I really hate him sometimes, I still really love him…and can’t seem to tear myself away from our usual routines.

I spent the day alone, pondering all of the craziness that is my life for the last month or so, and I feel empty. I was not happy. I hated feeling so disconnected from God. I hated not having a Church home. I hated loving a man that showed ambiguous emotions towards me. I felt so alone. Especially after last night.

Going out for a night on the town with my girls always seem to remind me of the fact that I come home to an empty place. I guess because all my friends have someone waiting for them at home and I always notice that when it’s time to end our festivities, they all seem genuinely happy to do so. I never really am.

My place is a mess still! I have been procrastinating all week about cleaning. And today would be the perfect time to get things in order. I began to clean and talk out loud to God about how I’m feeling. After pouring out my heart I feel a bit lighter. Just a bit. Before long, Brian calls back and I agree to meet him at Barnacles (not the same one as this incident). I take a long, hot shower and take my time getting ready for this date. I have no real interest in him, but I felt like this was a good step towards moving on. I had to start going out…right?

I throw on some jeans and a black fitted shirt with a big black belt. I swear I’d wear that belt everyday if I could. It fits perfectly over my midsection and it gives me the appearance of having an hour glass shape. lol

He wasn’t that tall was he? I ponder this while trying to decide on heels or flats.

Flats!

I put on some black atheleisure shoes and was on my way. He was outside when I pulled up.

Wow. He’s definitely more ripped than I remember. He was dressed in one of those black body shirts which I hate on men. But he actually filled his out, so I was cool with it. He had on a button down shirt over it… opened of course, so you could see his mucsles bulging from his body shirt…and some jeans.

“Heeeeey Beautiful!” He exclaimed. That man knows he loves to smile.

We hug and walk in together. The place was packed. What did I expect…it WAS Friday night!

We find a table and he asks me if I want a drink. I declined. I’m really not that big of a drinker… but I guess he wouldn’t know that from the way I was guzzling them down the night before.

I look around while he looks at the menu. Dang there’s a lot of men here!! Now I’m wishing that I came here with my girls. That’s the thing about going out on dates with people you’re not really interested in… you always find someone else while you’re out that you wish you were with instead.
I felt guilty for checking out the guys while he was in front of me…so I directed my attention towards him.

“So…Brian…what else do you do besides pick up women at the strip club?” I joke.

We began chatting for a while. We ordered, ate, and he drank a few beers.
While with him, I kept thinking to myself, he reminds me of someone.

By the end of the night… I knew. He was the real live version of the UBS guy (Phil LaMarr) from Mad TV. lol














He was fidgety. He couldn’t just sit and talk. He was loud, and moving around and tapping the table… it was a mess! lol

After we ate, he suggested that we go somewhere where we can be a little more active. He admitted that he was a very hyper person. (gee…really? lol) I told him that I couldn’t stay out too long because my girlfriends and I were getting up early tomorrow for a late Christmas surprise.

He looked as if he didn’t believe me, and reluctantly said okay.

We danced for a while at a place call Chit Chat. They had a house band that was straight rocking! I’m definitely into old school music, so I enjoyed myself. I must admit that all the dancing the night before had taken a toll on my body and I couldn’t get down as much as I wanted to. He was a wierd dancer. Not bad really, just wierd. He kept holding his shirt out while he danced. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with that. Are you gonna wrap me up in your shirt dude? Are you taking it off? No wait, you're putting it back on. Um... what you want me to feel your stomach? Wait, what are you doing?

Before long, it was getting late…and I really did need to get home. My girlfriend from New York was in town and had a surprise planned for 3 of my other girlfriends and I. She wouldn’t tell us what it was but I kinda had a clue. Her “surprise” required us to be at a certain address at 8:00 in the morning. Ya’ll KNOW I wasn’t feeling that! That means I have to be up at about 6:30am on a SATURDAY??? Only for her. lol

I told Brian that I had a nice time. I did. We hugged and I was relieved that he didn’t try to kiss me or convince me to come to his place. Maybe he realized that there was no chemistry between us too.

As I got in my car, I saw that I had 4 missed calls. One was from one of my friend who left a voicemail asking about tomorrow’s logistics. The other three were from the same number. I didn’t know who the number belonged to…and they didn’t leave a message. Hey…whatever!

I went home and was pleased when I walked in and remembered how nice my place looks when it’s clean.

I smiled as I went to bed. I can’t wait until tomorrow! I love my girls! I thought.


To be continued…

Holiday Teasing

Thursday Dec 27th, 2007
6:45pm
Cell rings.


Cousin: Hey girl. What u doin?

Me: Nothing much. Enjoying my time off. I love not having to work!

Cousin: So we still on for tonight?

Me: racking my brain trying to figure out what she’s talking about. Ummm…

Cousin: I KNEW you were gonna forget! Girl, we supposed to be going to the strip club tonight!!

Me: Oh yeah. I was so not excited. Okay I did forget. What time again?

Cousin: I’ll be over there at 8. Be ready. Click.

Dang. How do I get myself into these things? I don’t feel like doing anything really. Especially giving some stinky sweaty men my money. But…I remember telling her I’d go. She was soooo excited that I can’t back out now.

I sigh and continue watching TV until I hear a knock on my door.

She here already? I look at the clock. 8:07pm. Wow. Time flies.

She comes in and heads straight to the refrigerator as usual. That girl can eat. I’m so jealous. When I eat, it goes to my stomach and back. When she eats… straight to her butt. Not cool!

Anyways… she helps me pick out an outfit while showing me the two she brought over. She settled on a red velvet cat suit. It was tight. Literally. I doubt she could sit with out bursting out of it. She picked me out a black mini skirt, my long black and silver baby phat boots and a silver low cut top. I was kind of self conscious. I haven’t worn a mini skirt in 5 years. She did our hair and chatted about how much fun she had last time she was there.

We finally finished and headed to the club. It was a homely place located in the shopping center I drive by all the time. I never knew this place existed…and I’ve gotten my hair done two doors down.

We get there and she whips out her cell. “You here yet?” She purrs into the phone. She and her best friend are so gay!! Okay not really, but they act like it sometimes. I’ve never had a female best friend so I don’t know what it’s like to be that close. Mika waves to us from her car, which is parked behind us, and we head inside.

The place was dark, but it was a nice group of people there. We got there early so that we didn’t have to pay the $10 cover charge.

“You want some wings?” My cousin shouts over the music. A DJ was in a high booth across from the red restroom sign.

“Naw, I’m good.” I yell back. I wasn’t too fond of the idea of eating while men fling the body parts over my plate.

We find a table dead center. Wow. We’re not going to miss anything huh? I sit down and look around. I see women. All shapes, sizes, looks. Some looking like they just came from a science convention, others look like they may be going on stage right after the men. It was funny to see how no one really wanted to look anyone else in the eye. As if we all thought it was dirty to be in here.

My cousin came back with an apple martini.
“I know it’s your favorite” She smiles. “Besides they’re $3!!”

I laugh.

“Thanks girl.” I say before Eve’s “Tamborine” song comes on. Something about that song makes me crazy! I can’t just sit and not dance to it. I try to keep my composure, but my cousin is the poster child for fun.

“Sway let’s dance!” She says while gyrating her hips. She loves to be the center of attention. And when we’re out, I always let her. I shake my head and nudge her to do her thang by herself.

I sip on my martini and loosen up a bit. The DJ continues to play some upbeat tunes and I find it harder and harder to sit. I get up and do a cute little two step by my chair. She immediately steps her game up. She’s dippin low and playing with the zipper on her catsuit. Some of the ladies at the other tables look at us like we’re crazy and quickly look away.

Mika comes back from the bar and asks us if we want to take pictures. I shake my head no, but before I could even mouthed the words, they both were pulling me to the corner of the club. There wasn’t a line. I’m guessing no one really wanted to take a picture with an airbrushed “Atlanta” backdrop. Oh how I’ve laughed at those people who put those type of pictures up on their web pages. Now I’m one of those people. Sigh.

“Hey ladies. Ya’ll look good tonight.” A toothy, coffee colored man beamed. “Ya’ll gonna take pictures together or separate? They’re $5 a piece.”

“TOGETHER” we exclaimed.

My cousin positioned herself in the middle of course. We posed and he snapped.

“I don’t like that one. My gut is hanging out. I gotta suck it up.” My cousin said.

Um…what gut? I wanted to say looking at myself in the picture. We took it over again and she was happy.

By the time we got to our table, Mika’s wings were there. They smelled GOOD!

“Want one?” She said as she bit into a wing.

I thanked her as I hungrily took a drumette and consumed it.

Yeah. I’mma need my own order. I'll be done way before the men come out! We ate and drank. I personally had 2 apple martini’s, a strawberry daiquiri, and a margarita. Sad thing is…I drank the least.

By the time the strippers err…exotic dancers (as they like to be called) came out, we were all very tipsy.

Can I just say…. I have a new appreciation for dancers. They did things I never knew was possible. At times I wanted to close my eyes. I’m too young to see this!!! Other times, I couldn’t close my mouth. Oh, I GOTTA see this.

During one of the mediocre dances, a short buff dude made his way through the tables passing out his card. Apparently he was scheduled to dance the next week and wanted everyone to come back to support him. He had smooth skin and bright eyes. If he was anything like the guys I’d seen tonight, I was going to make it my life’s goal to get back here next week. I looked at his card.

“Desire.” It read. I gave him another glance and got back to my girls. We danced more than the dancers.

As the night went on, my cousin became more and more drunk. I think she enjoyed the attention. The more she talked, the more people laughed…and strangely… the more she sounded like Elmo. I’ve never heard someone morphing into Elmo before. It was quite odd.

At the end of the night all the women went on stage to shake their groove thang. One by one, the place started emptying. About 2:30 in the morning, a regular at the club, my cousin, Mika and I were the only ladies left. They had turned the lights on and everything. But we were tipsy! We didn’t care. We had fun all by ourselves. And they had the nerve to have mirrored walls. Pffh. If they kept playing music, we were going to continue to dance. Although I'll admit, by the last song I soooo was tired. My bangs stuck to my sweat-ridden forehead. My feet hurt from those boots. And my thighs were cramping from all the dippin I had done in the last hour and a half.

The picture man was still smiling at us as he packed his equipment.

“Ya’ll sure do like to have a good time.” He said to me as I plopped down in one of the chairs and waited for my drunk friends to finish flirting with the strippers.

“Yeah. Every once in a while it’s nice to let your hair down.” I smiled back.

“I’m Brian by the way.” He extended his hand towards me.

I took it. “Sway.”

I looked around to find my cousin and Mika. I was quickly regretting that I rode with her. The last thing I saw her do was unzip her catsuit all the way down to her navel. She and Mika went to the VIP room with some of the guys.

Times like this I remember why we don’t hang out much. People usually group us together even though we’re nothing alike.


Brian chatted it up with me as the remaining club workers scurried around and cleaned up. He was a personal trainer and did photography on the side. He said that he’d been watching me all night and liked how I could balance having fun and not being too out there.

I knew it was a stab at my friends, but what could I say.

A few minutes passed and my drunk friends came from out of the VIP room. Desire had them both by the arms and looked me in my eyes while telling me that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for either of them to drive. I agreed. I was tipsy…but nowhere near tore up.

I called my cousin’s “friend” to come get us and he graciously took all three of us home. I was dropped off first and you wouldn’t believe how grateful I was to get into my bed. I didn’t even shower first. Nasty! I know. lol

I was awakened by my cell phone. It was 10:30am and I was perplexed at the idea that someone would call me before noon. I didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?” I said agitated.

“Wake up Beautiful! It’s a wonderful morning!” A loud chipper voice boomed in my ear.

Ugh! Why is this person so freakin loud!

“Who is this” I snapped. Anyone who knows me, KNOW I don’t play about being awakened for foolishness.

“Briiiiian! The Pictureman!” I could hear him smiling. That’s amazing.

But what’s even more amazing is how the heck Briiiian got my number! I didn’t give it to him.

To be continued...

Merry Christmas

Tuesday Dec 25th
Christmas Morning

"MERRY CHRISTMAS BABYGIRL! " My dad yells from the hall.

Wow, he’s in a good mood. He didn’t really want to go the mountains either so I guess he’s happy now. We usually go to Church on Christmas Day but since our cabin plans fell through at the last minute and we don’t have a Church home anymore, we slept in for the first time ever.

I look around and find my phone. It’s 12:22pm. Dang we slept late.

I slowly edge out of the bed, nursing my sore body. That old mattress is the worst! I can’t believe I used to sleep so peacefully on it.

I open my door to see my fully dressed dad snapping pictures of me in my ragedy pj’s.

"Merry Christmas daddy." I say grouchily, even though I’m not.

I give him a hug and head to the bathroom to make myself presentable.

My mom was preparing for our family dinner when I finally came downstairs. I was planning to leave in about 2.5 hours and I hadn’t even told her yet. Our dinner was at 3pm. I figured I’d stay until 3:30…get to Usher’s folks house at about 4:05... mingle for an hour…and come on back home. My folks would be good and full and ready to play some games. It could definitely work!


“What?” My mom said all confused. She gets these wrinkles in the middle of her forehead when she frowns. “Why are you going over Usher’s folks house? Ya’ll broke up!”

“I know ma.” How could I explain this when I honestly didn’t have a rational answer myself. “He invited me and…his momma has a gift for me… I’ll be back before you know it. I’m only gonna be there for a minute. Promise!” I plead with her.

I give her my “babygirl” look and she softens.

“Alright. But don’t be staying over there all night. We got all these people coming over here.”

Whew! I continue helping her prepare for the dinner I’m getting ready to miss and time starts to fly. We hadn’t even opened our gifts! I gather my parents downstairs and we do our gift exchange. Everyone was happy! I got everything I wanted. Well almost. My parents couldn’t buy me a good man. Guess I'll have to wait for that one. We finish opening our gifts and realize that it’s 3:15. I should have known my family wouldn’t start on time. Not one person was there! I can’t wait for them. I headed upstairs and changed. By the time I put on my new stretch jeans, winter white sweater with matching winter white boots and applied my makeup, it was 3:34pm. I rush down the stairs and tell my mom that this is even better.

"Since no one is here yet, you guys will start late, which will give me more time to get on back before ya’ll even finish dinner! "

I was happy! I am making this work! I rush out the door to my car and see the first few cars pulling up.

I wave excitedly to my family, wish them a merry Christmas, and zoom off!

When I get out of my parents subdivision, I see that I have a voicemail message.

“Call me when you get this.” Usher said.

I hit him back immediately.

“Hey, I’m on my way to your folks house now.” I breathlessly blurt in to the phone.

“Um…can you stop by and pick me up. I figured that if you have to leave early, that will give me an excuse to leave early too. Plus you gotta pass me to get to her house.”

“Aight, I’ll be there in a few.”

This whole thing is getting way to couple-y for me. I don’t know what to think.

We get to his aunt’s house at the same time his sister and parents do. It’s 4:07pm. We’re all late…but not as late as my family. lol

Just as he said, everyone was so happy to see me. I fought to push back tears, knowing this is probably the last time I’ll see them. I really love his crazy family.

Dinner was nice. A lot of trash talking. A lot of laughs. I really enjoyed myself. Except for the fact that dinner wasn’t served until 6. Yes SIX! I ate and they passed out presents. Before I know it…it’s 8pm.

“Where are you?” My mom screamed in the phone. She was very agitated. “Do you know what time it is? Everybody’s waiting on you?”

“Um…I know. I’m still here. I’ll call you on my way back.” I say cautiously. Everyone in Usher’s family was eavesdropping on my convo.

“You’ve been gone 5 HOURS! You don’t wanna come home?” My mom snapped.

“Not yet.” I said pleasantly. I wasn’t gonna do this with her in front of everybody.

“Aight. Fine.” She hung up with a loud click.

She’ll be aight.

Usher knew I needed to get home, so he started wrapping things up there.

As we were hugging everyone, his mom hugged me tightly and whispered “I love you, Sway. You will always be family to us. You hear me?”

“Thanks” was all I could manage to say without bursting into tears. I really thought I'd be apart of their family one day.

We get in the car and I get ready to call my mom. Usher’s phone is in the place I usually keep my phone and I flip his phone open by mistake.

A half naked woman stared back at me.

“Who is this?” I say shocked. The last thing I expected to see was this.

“Who is who?” He says looking over at me, then seeing that I had his phone flipped open looking at his screensaver.

Usher always remains calm. That’s what makes him a pretty good liar. He scoops his phone out of my hand and looks at his own screensaver as if he had no idea who was on there.

He really thinks I’m dumb huh?

“Sway, she’s no one in particular.” He says casually and puts his phone back in the place where I picked it up from.

“No one in particular?” I repeat back with much skepticism in my voice. I looked at him like he was crazy, then shrugged. I had to remember, I’m not his girlfriend anymore. What does it matter?

We got back to his house about 20 minutes later and he hugged me as I got out of the car to go to the driver’s side.

“Just for the record Sway, I know that I don’t have to tell you this, but it’s not what you think. The girl on my phone is named Tequana Pettiford. We work together. I’m not dating her, I’m not having sex with her, NOTHING. She just asked me to put her pic on my phone and she comes by my desk to check and see if it’s on there. That’s all.” He says.

I MUST look stupid. While remaining calm makes him a good liar, logic makes him a bad one.

You mean to tell me that we dated seriously for almost two years and you wouldn’t even put my pictures up on your nightstand in the privacy of your own home even after me asking you too on many occasions, but this chick whom you’ve known for less than 3 months tells you to put her picture on a phone you flip open 2043280938 times a day and you do it? That’s nothing? She means nothing? Really? And ya’ll aren’t attracted to each other? So your co-worker sends all the men in the office half naked pictures of herself? And they all put her on their screensaver? That’s what co-workers do huh? Riiiiiight.

I smell BS.


I look at him. Smile. And get in my car. In my mind, he just made it very clear to me that we are not together.

I drive off speedily, hoping that my family was still at my house.

I get home around 9. I burst in the door to find everyone laughing and having a good time.

I smile. I should have been here all along. With people who really love me.

My 3 year old cosin Zoe runs to me and gives me the biggest hug.

"I missed you." She says.

I believed her.

I vow to myself to stop believing everything Usher says to me. I vowed to start looking at his actions.
His actions tell me to move on. And I will.

I’ll make sure I’m with my family for New Years.

To be continued...

Life and Death

Life is happening faster than I can type. I have so much to say. So much has happened. So many emotions are surfacing. I wish I could just spend my days writing. I need to get it all out.

I'm sure I will. It's just taking longer than I thought.

Before I leave for the day... I just wanted to update you on something I didn't think could wait any longer.

Although it may be a while before I really write about it, I wanted you to know that the Bishop of the Church I just left (after 15 years)...

DIED friday.

The pastor I spoke of ...his wife...

DEVASTATED.

Please keep her, his children, and the rest of their family and congregation in your prayers.

Holiday Madness (part 2 of ??)

Dec 23rd, 2007 5:20pm

I shut my apartment door and let out a long sigh of relief as I leaned up against it.

Finally home.

My parents act as if they aren’t going to see me everyday all day for the next 5 days in the cabins. I am soooooo not looking forward to this.

I strip off my Church clothes as I make my way to my closet. I hadn’t even started packing yet…and we were supposed to be leaving in a few hours. Church wasn’t that great. We visited a small C.O.G.I.C. Church up the street from my parent’s house. They sang old songs that no one knew but them, and the preacher did a lot of hoopin’ but had no real "message". I knew I should have stayed home and packed like I wanted to.

5 days in a cabin…with 32 other family members. Lord help me.

I begin throwing some things in my suitcase when my phone rang.

“Babygirl?”

“Yeah.” I said back. I was thinking…who else would be answering my phone mom? I live by myself.

“Well I got some news… your uncle just got up to the cabins and the people up there can’t find our reservations. I just wanted to let you know. You might wanna hold off on the packing until they can sort it out.”


“Wow. Okay then. Well just let me know.” I hang up.

YES! I plop down on my couch and begin flipping the stations. I really didn’t want to go in the first place. But I had psyched myself up to make the best of the next few days with my family. I’m sure parts of it would be fun. Plus I was kind of sad for my folks. Mostly everyone was excited about it. I felt bad for feeling relieved.

About an hour later, my mom said that my uncle ‘nem (lol) were heading back home. Apparently they still couldn’t find record of us reserving a cabin. And even if they did, we wouldn’t be able to stay because they were all booked.

Well, I got my wish. No cabins to reminisce about Usher in. Hooray!

I bummed through the rest of the night. Doing nothing but watching tv and eating ice cream by myself.

So this is what it’s like to not have a second job huh?

I like it.


Dec 24th Christmas Eve
10am
Text message

“So how are the cabins?”

I wiped my sleepy eyes and stared at the text again. Usher. He has a way of not calling a lot so I can remember that we’re not together, but calling enough to remind me that he’s still around.

“Didn’t go. I’m @ home.” I text back.

Within seconds my phone is vibrating vigorously.

“So your plans fell through too huh?” He smirks.

“What you mean by ‘too’?” I sit up and prop my pillows on my back. I love not having to get up right when I wake up.

“My daughter’s not coming for Christmas like we planned.”

“What!” I exclaimed. I’m now fully awake. He’s been planning this since last year. “Why isn’t she coming?”

“Well…Her momma tried that fu** sh**. Tambout she’ll let me get my daughter if I think about reconciling with her. She trying to get back together and sh**. I ain’t with that. I done told her. I’m done. So I told her if that was the terms…then I guess I wouldn’t be seeing my daughter. It’s no biggie. I’ve been by myself for Christmas before.” He said non-chalantly.

“That is a mess!” I whispered. I didn’t know what else to say. I know him well enough to know that although he's playing the "I don't care" role, this is really getting to him.

“So you want some company? I got the whole week off. I guess I’ll go to my folks house tomorrow for dinner.” He rambled.

“Uh….sure. Okay.” I scrambled out of bed. I rushed to the living room while we talked. My place was a mess! I worked sooooo hard all last week, then the weekend was spent shopping and hanging out. I hadn’t had time to clean. My half-packed suitcase was still in the middle of the floor.

I have 7 minutes.

I rush to brush my teeth, wash my face and privates and put my hair in a quick puff.

I open the door and hug him. He smelled of nice cologne, mint, and green. I knew he had some on him.

“Hey baby.” He cooed in my ear.

Why does he still call me baby. It's sooooo not what I need to hear when we're no longer together.

“Hey” I coolly replied and sat on the couch.

I still love him. I hate that I’m in love with him.

“So where’s my present?” I joke.

“Right here.” He says pointing to the bag of green he pulls from his pocket.

Very funny. He knows I don’t smoke.

“So you gonna smoke with me today?” He joked.

I have no idea why I said yeah, but I did. I just felt like doing something crazy.
He was stunned!!!!
Actually, I was stunned too. Did I just say that? lol

“For real?” He looked in my eyes…searching for a hint of laughter.

“Yeah. For real. It’s the holidays… I don’t have anything to do. Why not.” I rationalized.

In hindsight, it was a DUMB idea. I guess I’m not as mature as I’d like to think.

So we sat on the couch watching old re-runs of something and got high.

Correction: I got high.

He’s been smoking for almost 20 years. He doesn’t get high anymore. But me… well it was an experience from hell!

I laughed my behind off at absolutely NOTHING for about 15-20 minutes and I really couldn't stop. Like, the more I tried to stop...the funnier everything became. Then I finally came down. But not “down” in the back to normal sense. No, no, no. I mean “down” like… the BLUES down.

A sista was LOW! I started crying uncontrollably. I mean I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I was asking myself “Why in the heck are you crying?” But the more I tried to figure it out, the more I cried.

I finally “came to” and realized I was squeezing the life out of Usher’s waist….as if I didn’t want him to ever leave. I quickly let him go and looked at his face. He had tears on his cheeks too.

“Why are you crying?” I asked him.

His eyes were red and he was staring at the TV.

“Because I know I hurt you Sway.”

That’s all it took to send me over the edge again. I was a wreck. Although we both agreed to stop seeing each other, we both know that it hurt me the most to be put in the situation of letting it go. I'd still be with him if he would just do the one thing I asked him to do. I don’t know how long I cried…or what else was said… or when he left…or how I got to my bed. But I woke up around 6pm. My home phone was ringing.

“Hello”

“Babygirl, you still sleep? What time you planning on coming over here? You know your daddy’s waiting on you to put up the tree!”

“What tree ma?” I question. I was confused. We didn’t have a tree.

“The tree yo’ daddy got today since we're not going to the mountains. We can’t have Christmas here with no tree! Now get up and come on. Bring your clothes 'cause you staying over tonight.”

“Yes ma’am”. I hang up.

Dang!

I get up and feel much better. I guess I slept my high away. I hurriedly pack my stuff and dash out the door.

My parents’ house looked festive. I was just here yesterday and it looked like a regular house. My dad has been busy!

The rest of the night felt like Christmas Eve. I wrapped presents, decorated the tree, sang along to my favorite Christmas tunes, and of course helped my mother cook Christmas dinner.

I get ready to lay down after this long, awkward day and see that I have a text. It was from Usher.

“So, now that you’re probably back to normal, are we still on?”

On? On what? What was he talking about?

“I WILL NEVER SMOKE EVER AGAIN IN LIFE!” I vowed!

“On for what?” I texted.

“For dinner tomorrow. I asked if you’d come to Christmas Dinner with me and my family. You said yes earlier...so?”

Oh no!

I called him. After sitting on my bed for 5 minutes focusing on today’s…now yesterday’s craziness…. I do remember him asking me about going to dinner. I also remember being really serious about going. Dang. This is a dilemma.

So…I’m supposed to tell my family who wants me to be with them that I’m ditching them to go to dinner with a man I’m still in love with but separated from whose family is in denial and wants us to get married. Is that it?

On one hand I really wanna go. I mean, I’ve been down this holiday season because I wanted to spend my Christmas with him, and now I can. But on the other hand, we’re not together and my whole family will be at my parents house…how can I not be there?

“I told my mom and aunt that you were coming with me. They were so happy. I think my mom bought you a present and was gonna mail it to you…but now you can just get it.” Usher said.

“Um…okay. I’m only going to stay for a second because everyone will be at my house, so I gotta get back. I’ll drive myself.” I find myself saying.

We hang up and I drift off to sleep thinking about how to tell my folks that I’m spending Christmas with my ex.

To be continued...

Holiday Happenings (part 1 of ??)

Friday Dec 21st 2:30pm

I slung my bag over my shoulder and looked back at my desk.

Spotless.

I wanted to have a clean desk to come to in the new year. With a sigh, I proceeded down the hall and on my way home for the holidays. Tonight was my last night at Target and only 3 people knew. I’m not sure why I’m so secretive. I didn’t mean for it to be, but, I didn’t want a whole lot of hoopla. I just wanted to sneak out as quietly as I snuck in. Plus, I wasn’t really in a celebrating mood. I’m just not happy. *sigh* Last year this time, Usher and I were getting ready to go to the cabins with my family. We had such a great time together bonding with each other and my family…I know his presence will be missed this year. It’s gotten me quite down. That…coupled with the fact that we spent the entire new years eve/day together. Just us…a bottle of champagne…and events that easily made it one of my most memorable new years ever. How can I top that this year…alone.

I was in full blown depression. Wishing I could click my heels and these next two weeks would be over.

Saturday Dec 22nd

Why are there soooo many people in the freakin mall?

I thought everyone would have purchased their Christmas gifts by now. The only reason my crazy self is just STARTING my shopping is because I’ve been working non-stop for the last few weeks. I don’t have much to purchase this year. And God blessed me to win a $100 gift card from work two days ago. That definitely helps. Maybe I could buy myself a lil something something.

I spent the entire day shopping. I was so tired when I got home, I just flung myself on the bed and sunk in. I barely noticed my cell vibrating on my dresser.

“Hello?” I said.

“Giiirl you sleep?” Shay beemed. “Only you would be in the bed at 8 o’damn clock.”

“I’m not sleep”. I lied. “What’s up with ya”. I stifled a yawn.

“Nothing much. What u doin tonight?” She questioned.

“Girl, nothing. Why?”

“Well I was hoping that you’d go to Barnacles with me. You know I’m leaving for NY next week.” She coaxed.

“For real? Awwww I’m gone miss you girl. Which Barnacles you trying to go to?” I said sitting up and looking at myself in the mirror. I look a hot mess.

“The one on Jimmy Carter. That’s close to you right?”

“Yeah. What time you talking ‘bout?” I knew I needed to shower and brush my teeth.

“9-ish. Is that good?” She aked.

“9 is cool. Call me when you on your way. I’m closer… oh wait…do you need a ride?” I forget sometimes that she doesn’t have a car here.

“ Um naw… uh… actually my friiiiend is coming to get me and um… he’s um…bringing his friend too…so…”

Awww hell. I think to myself.

“…they can like… be our dates for the night. I’ll call you when we get close.” She stumbles.

“Shay I’m gone kill you!” I scream before she says bye and quickly hangs up the phone.

I HATE blind dates. I did damage control by making sure that she told him before we got there that I’m NOT his date… we just all hanging.

I’m SOOOOOOO glad I did.

When I got to the table, I almost did a seamless u-turn right back out that door. I was not feeling what I saw.

This is gonna be a loooong night!

But you know me. I tried to make the best of it. My girl seemed genuinely happy to be out with us, so for that it was all worth it.

I drank a little to help loosen up.

Apple Martini please!

Gulp. Ahhh!

It helped.

I talked to him and found out that he was from Ghana. His family won the lottery and he moved here because this is where everyone told him to come. His friend kept saying how RICH my “date” was… as if that would spark my interest.

Um…no.

We had some wangs (wings) and they were slammin. I feel MUCH better.

This ain’t bad after all.

I felt sorry for our waitress. They were working that poor girl. I was sitting with a bunch of hungry alcoholics.

Um…can you get me a drank please?

Yeah, me too!

Hey wait, when you come back, can you put in an order for more lemon pepper wings?

How much are ya’ll shots?

She earned her tip. I mean we closed the thang DOWN. They were looking at us all cross-eyed because we were the only ones still there. I had to stand up, put on my coat, and wait 2 minutes before anyone else even moved.

All in all, I thought they were a pretty cool group.

Until….

Shay’s friend tells my “date” that he should go back in and kick ole girl in the mouth for what she said.

“What did she say?” Shay asked when we were all walking to our car.

“She was talking to the bartender tam’bout ‘Do you want my dollar too? I have enough to share.’ What she trying to say? That ish ain’t funny”

“Wait, ya’ll only gave her one dollar?” Me and Shay say almost simultaneously.

“Yeah. He (my "date") was supposed to give her the tip. I paid. But still, she ain’t have to say nothing. She act like we was wrong.”

Neegro. Ya’ll WAS wrong.

I couldn’t believe it. I turned around with the intent of giving ole girl a better tip, but they had locked the doors. No one was around.
Dang, that was low. How you gonna run up a hundred dollar tab and give your waitress a dollar? A mess. I was done. Rich my @$$!

I hugged my girl and told her to call me when she got to NY. I was tired. I went home and got ready for Sunday. I had no idea how Church would be nowadays since we’re still visiting. To be honest, I really didn’t want to go to Church at all. We were leaving for the cabins after Service and I had yet to pack. I was hoping to just wake up late and do it.

I guess in hindsight it all worked out the way it was supposed to.

To Be Continued…

I'm BACK!!!

Wow!

What a holiday! This may have been one of the best holiday's yet!!!! Not that much happened... but I don't know. Maybe it was so wonderful because I expected it to be bad.

I mean, I really had low expectations. I was downright not looking forward to it. But I'm so glad that everything worked out right.

Since I decided to come to work today instead of starting back next monday, I figured I'd go ahead and check my 408398434 work emails and get started catching up. But I do plan to give a recap of my holiday.

I hope everyone had a safe and fun holiday too. :)

Later!

In Closing

Well today is the close of a small chapter in my life. It’s my last day working at Target and I feel bittersweet about the whole thing. I’ve had this second job since I moved in April. I’ve had NO time to enjoy my place because I was always working. I’m excited about being able to get ample sleep, take care of my place, and enjoy my free time. However, I’m a little sad that I won’t be seeing some of the faces I’ve become so familiar with at work. I’m also not too fond of giving up the extra income I’ve grown accustomed to. That bit of money helped a sista out a lot this year.

But the time has finally come for me to go…and I’m ready.

Today is also the last day for me at my day job until the New Year. With that being said, I just wanted to quickly recap on some learned lessons/ random statements from 2007. Unfortunately, since I haven’t been blogging this past year…none of you will really know what the heck I’m talking about. lol Nevertheless… here they are.

Lessons from 2007

QT’s Smores Cappuccino is SOOOO good. But it might add about 5-10 pounds to ya if you drink it every night.

Do your taxes early.

Even “hard” guys can have a sensitive side on valentine’s day and anniversaries.

If you hate feeling lonely, don’t move far away from friends and family.

Pillowtop mattresses will make you want to marry your bed.

When you go on business trips, don’t offer to room with a co-worker to save the company some money.

There are some craaaaaazy people on the train.

Electric stoves don’t cook the same as Gas stoves.

A lot of people stereotype retail employees.

Don’t eat cabbage after 8pm.

Convertibles make every road trip more exciting.

Come to think of it... so does a trip to the emergency room on your vacation.

Never take out a loan for anyone.

Make sure you check your car out thoroughly before you buy it.

Stress will make your weight drop faster than exercise.

Snapping at your boss is never a good idea. Especially right before evaluations.

Crying doesn't always make you feel better.

Girl Friends are a blessing.

It’s always a good idea to pin your wig down.

Khaki pants look good on me. lol

Chops restaurant is waaay overpriced.

People don’t always mean what they say.

You can't always judge a person by their family.

Most of the time, you know relationships are over before they officially are.

Remembering the past too soon can make the present full of gloom.

And lastly,

Hope is life’s heartbeat. Once it’s gone, so are you.


Happy Holidays everyone.
I pray that you all have a blessed one.

Sleepless night

I cried last night.

I was in my bathroom taking out my contacts when I noticed that my ear lobes were dirty. lol

Well not like…filthy dirty. But you know, I wear earrings a lot and I just felt like it was a good time to disinfect my earlobes with alcohol. So I’m rubbing my ears and looking at how weird it looks to just have little holes in my ear. I know it’s common but do you ever think about the things we do to ourselves? I mean really, I let someone pierce my skin all the way through. Twice?!? Anyways, ya’ll know I’m random.

So I’m looking at my ears and out of nowhere…this image of my grandmother pops in my head. She died last April during heart surgery. When we were allowed in to see her body we were all amazed at they way she looked. Anyone who knows someone who has had heart surgery can tell you that dramatic changes happen. My grandmother’s face was HUGE. Her lips…cheeks…neck... eye lids...everything was swollen. But the thing I rembember most was the cotton balls in her ears.

They were stained with blood.

When my aunts and mom saw this, they asked the doctor, “What happened? Why was she bleeding out of her ears? Was she in pain? Oh God, please noooo!”

Apparently during/after her death, some of the blood from her body drained there.

I remember being in awe. Just staring at her ears. At the cotton balls. Just like the cotton balls I had to my ears last night with alcohol.

Just like that, I felt an uncontrollable sob jab at the base of my throat and I couldn’t contain it. I miss my grandmother so much. We have the same dry, wrinkly hands. The same fine hair. The same big eyes. I see sooooo much of her genes when I look at myself in the mirror.

There was so much I never got to say to her. So much I wanted her to see. I think of all the things she missed in the last year and I break down even more.

We all have our thoughts on what happens to a person once they die. Mine varied the older I got. Now, I’m not as sure as I used to be. I mean, as a Christian, I do believe in a Heaven and Hell. I’m just not so sure that’s where people go right when they die.

I’m not sure of much anymore.

It’s crazy how the older I get, the less I KNOW.

Wherever you are Grandmamma, know that I miss you dearly. Rest in peace.

Pastor's ain't always right (part 2)

My mom is a boss.

She can't help it. She's a leo.. first child of 7...AND she had to raise them all while my grandmother worked.

She's at her best when she's able to tell folks what to do. lol

But don't get me wrong. She's the sweetest person you'll ever meet. A few years back, my mom had to quit her job and it put a strain on our family financially. It was around November when she met this homeless family. The wife was working at the grocery store so they'd have enough money to eat. The husband had a brain tumor and couldn't work. She had 3 children. All of which, lived out of their van, which was immobile at the time. Although my family was going through our own financial hardship, my mom opened up our home to them. Gave them our clothing, helped the man file for disability, looked for a better paying job for the lady (although moms wasn't working yet herself).
Of course, my mom brought her to church too. We figured with more people knowing this families story, even more help could be given.

When my pastor found out about the family. She made an announcement saying that she wanted everyone to help.

"These people are homeless, but not second class. Don't give them hand-me-downs. Buy them something new. Stop giving people old stuff. Put them in a hotel or something, they don't want to be in your house, living by your rules. Give them the best."

She rambled on and on and on. I remember my mother's face that day. Instead of being recongized for giving her last...and her all. She was scorned for not giving something new. It wasn't as if she wouldn't have given them the "best" if she had it to give...but we were struggling ourselves. This was the beginning of the pulpit showdown between her and the pastor.

Over the years, the pastor would say things over the pulpit that we know was directly related to my mom. It got so bad and blatant that other members started picking up on it. My friends would tell me about how pastor picked on my mom when I didn't come to church that day. Random members would come up to my mother or call after church to ask her if she was alright. People knew what was going on. I was amazed that the Pastor didn't seem to care about that.

I know you're thinking...why would a pastor do this?

Well...honestly, I'm not sure of the details myself. Once she placed my mom over the Altar ministry, things between them began to surface. I think she placed my mom in charge because she thought my mom would just be a "head" in name while really being a puppet for her.
Not so.
My mom had her own ideas. Her own agenda...and I think their constant disagreement on things took it's toll on their friendship.
My mom offered to resign. But the Altar ministry loved my mom. Pastor knew that if my mom left that ministry, so would every one else. I'm guessing this upset her. Petty....but that's the only reason i can see for her change.

Pastor would get up and introduce my dad before he was to preach sometimes. I've heard her say things like... "Sis. Warner doesn't really have a personality, but Elder Warner makes it up for the both of them"
or "It looks like Sis. Warner eats all the food in their house"....

or during her "pastoral emphasis", would say, "and if some of ya'll would just get up and run around the church sometimes...maybe your knees wouldn't be hurting like they do"...
(fyi - it's common knowledge at my church that my mother has knee problems)
and on and on. ALL from the PULPIT.

For a while my mom would shrug it off. But that last sunday was the final straw for us. I told my mom that the next time our pastor says ANYTHING out of the way... I'm out. I refuse to sit by and let anyone...INCLUDING a pastor, say retarded things about my family.


Praise service went well. My parents and I sit on the front row so we can really jam hard. (I'm the one usually 2-3 minutes late now since I live so far from church these days.) Well this particular Sunday, it wasn't enough that we all praised God during praise and worship, and during missionary offering....and during the announcements. Pastor was now up for offering and she wanted people to get excited about it. My mom's knees had started bothering her around the first offering time, so she'd been praising from her seat. Well our pastor thought this would be a good time to "show her power".
It first seemed innocent enough.


Pastor: Praise God everybody!

Congregation: clapped and said Amen

Pastor: I said PRAISE GOD EVERYBODY!

Congregation: more clapping...few people standing up...more verbal praises.

Pastor: If you see someone sitting down, tap them on the shoulder and ask if God has been good to them? No one need to be sitting down on God.... blah blah blah

okay... i see where this is going.

Congregation: Everyone slowly standing... (except for my mother and an old lady)

Pastor: Now if you're still sitting, you have a demon in you. *looking dead at my mother*

Here we go. I feel myself starting to get upset.

Pastor: If I say stand up and praise God... stand UP and PRAISE GOD!!! *screaming* I don't care if your knees hurt, feet hurt, legs hurt....

Congregation: Stunned...looking at mom and pastor... and me.

I sit down and cross my legs.

I MUST have had a demon in me. *shrug*
That would make two of us because pastor shoooole ain't hearing from God right now. And no one is praising him anymore. Everyone's just standing around like a deer caught in someone's headlights.

So Pastor calls us out and commands us to stand. I was set on not standing, but my mother went ahead for the sake of complying...even though her knees were hurting pretty badly.
When we were finally standing... pastor showed her power (not God's power mind you) again by asking everyone to sit. Then she went on a rampage about how this church isn't for everyone and if anyone is offended then they could leave.

So we left. lol

But wait... there's more!


Homegirl (Pastor) RAN out behind us. I'm thinking okay, she know she was wrong, so she's coming to apologize.

Uh...no.

She RAN out saying, "and i just got one more thing to say"...
Okay... so I know this isn't going to be anything good.

Ya'll are "released" from MY church. (her church ya'll)
I have no hard feelings and I still love ya'll. (all said in a harsh, combative tone)
But you, your daughter, and your husband are all released.

My dad hadn't left yet. Like many men, he is a little "slow" when it come to girl fights. lol He knew what was going on, but didn't really know how through we were with the whole thing. So he didn't get up right away like we did. Pastor caught him on his way out and told him that my mother had anger in her heart and that although she tried to plead with my mom, my mother wouldn't listen.


Why are you lying?
Is it that serious?
We didn't really get to say ANYTHING because both my mother and I were stunned that this lady just ran out the church to come "tell us off".

I made up in my mind that I couldn't be a part of a church that has a leader who would lie right before taking communion, who would be so mean as to bully someone who has arthritis in her knees for not being able to stand, and who would take the focus off of God just to prove her power.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the only way to praise God is to stand. She wanted everyone to stand because she knew my mother couldn't/wouldn't. She also took away our God-given choice to praise Him. You can't MAKE people praise God. And it wasn't as if we weren't praising him. We just stopped when she started talking all this crazy stuff. She totally killed the mood for everyone.

Nope, it's not for me.

And then to top it off... I get a text from my church friend that saw the whole ordeal inside.
She wanted to know if we were alright.
When I told her that we were all still pretty hot about it, she said she understood and would be hot too, but told me to let my mom know that it wasn't personal.
"Pastor doesn't think before she speaks. This isn't the first this has happened. Probably won't be the last."

Um... excuse me? So, I'm supposed to stay at a church where we condone the pastor's craziness while KNOWING it's crazy? I'm not trying to be anywhere where pastors do that on a regular basis. No Ma'am.
Not me.

NEEEEXT!

Oh...and did I tell you that said friend just married the pastor's son?
(i know it has nothing to do with anything...just wanted you to know. lol)


Anywho... that's all I have to say about the Church ordeal. So um...if anyone has a good Church in mind that we can visit, leave it in the comment box. The search is on!!!!!

If one mo' person...

ask me to do ANYTHING, it is ON!!!!

Okay I know I'm supposed to be writing about Church but as you can already see, I'm too busy doing everybody elses work to have a breather to write anything. You know, I'm grateful for a job. But I tell you the truth, folks ain't right up here. It's one thing to need assistance with your work, but it's an entirely different thing when you taking advantage of the staff charged with "assisting" you.

I mean, don't you have to be working yourself to need "assistance"? I'm a research assistant. Not a servant. I'm getting to my boiling point with my co-workers. I feel like lining them all up and just slapping them all one by one. *woooooooosaaaaaaaahhhhh*

Okay, I think I've vented enough. I gotta get back to our 2-day meeting. Hopefully I can write soon.

Keep me in your prayers!

Pastor's ain't always right (part 1)

I saw a video once. It was of a little girl with black and gold bows in her unruly hair. She was in the front of a group of about 15 people in a navy silk robe with a gold sash. She was the cutest little thing I’ve ever seen. I never knew they made choir robes that small. Anyways, someone in the background told her to sing. She was not the shy type. This four year old began to sing/shout the lyrics to one of DeLeon Richard’s songs. She was so animated that I was astonished looking at her. You could hear the crowd cheering her on, amazed too, that this little girl was so into this gospel song. It was as if Church was her life. Since I was that little girl, I can say that it always has been.

Looking back at the different stages of my personal journey with God, I can truly say that being in Church and having the support of others who’s also trying to mature their walk with God has been such a blessing. I’ve always loved being at Church. Every Sunday, Wednedsay and Friday I would wait outside of the car and listen to the drums from inside, while my mom took her precious time putting on her shoes. I would rush her every time because I couldn’t wait to get in. My entire life has been one big spiritual-fest. Always learning, always trying to understand, always seeking to get to the next level with my relationship.

We joined “The Light” in 1994 after my dad resigned from Pastoring at another Church in Metro Atlanta. It was quite a change of pace for us. The members of this Church were sooooo friendly. They wore smiles, makeup AND pants. This was shocking for me coming from a COGIC church. lol

The teenager that stepped into that church was much different than the little girl I saw in the video. I was quiet, and shy. Very softspoken and often observant. My mother however, hadn’t changed a bit.

My mom is a LEO to the fullest. Vibrant. Flashy and Full of Life. She’s a Take-Charge kind of woman and was ready to get involved as soon as she stepped foot in the Church. I’m sure a lot of people were like…”Who IS this woman?”lol

Our presence at the Church couldn’t go unnoticed. As I’ve stated, we were straight COGIC folks. My dad would run around the church in a heartbeat. My mom brought out her lone tambourine and would play it for every song. We stood out. So much so that the Bishop and his wife, the Pastor had to know who this “Lively” family was.

At first, everything seemed cool. They’d invite my parents out every so often to get a “feel” of them. And before you know it, we were part of the “in” crowd at church. It was as if we had been stamped with the seal of approval by the leaders, so now instead of just being friendly, we actually had “friends”. People would invite us out….keep us informed…talk to us… get us involved. For a few years, life was grand.

Then one day the Pastor asked my mother to head the Altar Ministry. My mother happily accepted. We didn’t know that this was the beginning of the end for us.


Next: Pastor’s ain’t always right (part 2)

Last Weekend

...was definitely one for the books. At the beginning of April, I took on a part time job at Target to help offset the ridiculous rent I was now paying and to allow for “spending money” I’m so used to having. Well little did I know, between Target and my full-time, I really had no time to “spend” anything. (although I wasn’t saving either… I need to figure out where the heck my money went)
Anywho… for the first time since I started target, I had both Saturday and Sunday off. I was CRUNK! There’s sooooo much I want to do. Need to do. There’s this new recipe I want to try out. And man, I need to go to the grocery store! Oooh…this would be a great time to do my Christmas shopping. Oh wait, I should just spend this day in bed and watching tv… I’m always on the go.

Needless to say, none of those things happened when friends and family got word of my being off.

“Babygirl… how about we go get a massage?”

“Mom, we don’t have massage money.”

“Well, I have a gift certificate for one that I need to use by Christmas. I really didn’t want to go alooooone… soooooo….”

“Alright, alright. Let me know how much my part would be.”

“Oh great! We can spend the whole day together! Blah, Blah, Blah”

Great! There goes my plans. lol

Anywho… my mom picks me up since my place is about 10 minutes from where we’re going. I really didn’t have any big expectations for this. I’ve had massages before and they were aaiiight…but nothing to get excited about.
Well as soon as we walked in here, I was excited. Well maybe it’s because Michael Jai White’s TWIN was sitting on the couch when we got there. I nearly fainted. That man was just divine. Even my mom had to do a double take. Talking ‘bout,

“Um, are YOU going to be doing our massage?”

Back off mom, he’s mine. lol
In true Sway fashion, I’m checking for a ring about .0098343 seconds after I see him.

No ring?
Good. I can continue gawking without feeling guilty. lol

We chat it up with Mr. Twin for a little while before our masseuses come and lead us to our room. When I say that Miss Thang worked my massage OUT, I mean it! Whew… I was feeling GOOOD!

My mom was like, “ now that’s how a massage is supposed to feel!” lol
When they finally finished an hour plus later. Moms and I was NOT in the mood to do anything else but chill. lol Well I take that back… we WERE in the mood to eat!

As we were heading for a late lunch I got a phone call from one Vee and she was trying to get the girls together for a “girl’s night”. I said that I was down, but in all honesty I was about 50/50 on that.

Okay here’s the deal. There are 4 of us in our little girl circle of friends. Vee’s married with a baby. Brina is married with 2 babies, and Dawn a newlywed and 2 months pregnant.

Waiting…

Still waiting.

Okay hopefully by now you realize I am single and childless.

Normally, none of this would really matter, however, since they are all newly weds or new mommies…their new lives are at the forefront of most conversations. And since I am outnumbered, I already know how this night is gonna go. *yawn*
I know, I need to stop being such a hater. lol

I still decided to go because these ladies are my friends and I’d only hope that whenever God decides to grant me a husband and child(ren), they’ll be there to listen to me share my stories.

So we meet up that night at Vee’s new house and chat the evening away. Well they chat, I listen. The only thing I could contribute to the conversation was the answer to, “So how are you and Usher doing”.

Dang.

I forgot that Vee didn’t know about our break up yet. After I finished, there was an akward pause…then more marriage talk. lol
I was kinda zoning in and out until I heard them talking about the movie Why did I get married.


“Girl I saw that movie. I really enjoyed it”
“Yeah, me too. It was one of Tyler’s best movies”
“Uh-huh I agree. We’re going to have to do that you guys!”
“Yeah”
“Well, we gotta wait for Sway though.”

Well dang!
I think it’s time for me to go. lol

Sunday was a mess. There’s no other way to say it really so I’ll just come out and say it.

My mom and I divorced our Church.

Next post: Pastors ain't always right.

Lessons

The closer I approach 30, the more excited I become. I guess I’ve always felt that wisdom come with age. I’m now learning that it really comes with the byproduct of age: Experience.

It’s a beautiful thing to see yourself growing up…maturing…evolving…learning.

Although it may not seem like it at times, I truly am learning some things.

My breakup with Usher as you know stunned me. Everyone knows that I’m a lover of love. In any relationship I’m in, I pour my heart and soul into it. I.LOVE.HARD. Period.


But you know what? These past few years of relationships, especially this last one with Usher, has taught me a lot.


Lesson 1 (learned): Never submerge yourself into his world.

It’s great to get lost in your man’s eyes. But getting lost in his life isn’t. Sometimes we get so caught up in the relationship that we lose ourselves and sense of identity. His friends and family become ours. His hobbies are suddenly our “favorite thing.” We only go out with him. And before you know it, your whole world revolves around him. This may feel great while you’re with him, but TRUST ME…when the relationship is over, you have no idea what to do with yourself because for months/years you’ve been wrapped up in his world.

I am genuinely heartbroken over my break up with Usher. However, I must say that after the initial shock of losing the one you love and the “pain” that comes with that, I’m feeling pretty good considering. Reason being: I kept my own life/identity throughout the relationship. Most of the “pain” I used to feel in relationships were about 50% hurt, and 50% panic/fear. The panic came from not knowing who I was anymore and not being able to do anything alone because I was so used to having “a boyfriend” to do things with. I thank Usher for encouraging me to “do me” sometimes while we were together. Now that I’m single again, I can still go through many of my old routines with no problem because I’ve been doing it all along. Whereas usually, I’d be obsessively reminiscing about how “he and I used to do this and that together”.

I think having my own friends, own hobbies, and past times have help to lessen the blow of being alone. Yes it still hurts that we’re not together… but not half as much as it would if I made HIM my life as I’ve foolishly done in the past with others.

Learning this simple rule has allowed me to grieve, cry, hurt…etc… and then get up, hold my head high, and continue on with my life.

With that being said, there are some lessons that I just haven’t gotten through my thick skull yet. I know that I need to get it…but I just haven’t quite mastered them yet.

Lesson 2 (still learning): After a breakup, remove all ties to your former flame to heal the quickest and healthiest.

Break-ups are hard. What’s harder is trying to “be friends” immediately after a breakup. When two people have been together for a while, they become comfortable with each other and their routine. Being friends immediately after a break “helps” (so it initially seems) to ease that transition from couple to singleness by keeping some routines in tact. The problem is that the lines are usually cloudy…especially to the one that didn’t want the relationship to end. If you still poke at a wound, it will take longer to heal. Same with breakups. Seeing, calling, hanging, with your ex will only give you the false impression that things are still the same. And eventually, when s/he moves on with someone else, you’ll feel like you hung on too long and the “break up” feeling will be just as intense (or more) then than if you would have dealt with it initially.

A clean break up is best because it will force you to deal with reality, while also allowing you to begin your healing. I won’t lie and say that it’s been easy. Usher and I are both having a hard time letting it go. We keep adding oxygen to the smoke… only to light the back fire up a little. He’ll call to “hear my voice”… then I’ll call to “hear his”. I know it’s not healthy because all that does is foster memories and thoughts about "us", which reiterates the fact that you're not together. That in turn makes the pain all so real and the singleness all the more intense. Then to counter those feelings, we call back and make plans to get "one last hug/kiss/look/etc.". And every time we see each other, I find myself getting back into the “relationship” routine with him. This is a vicious cycle that will keep you all "unofficially together" until one of you decide to stop the madness. This is an emotional coaster i've been on before and don't want to go back on with Usher although I find myself standing right here in the line. I don’t want to drag this out until one day next year sometime, he’s with someone else and I’m left to face the fact I KNEW this was coming and refused to look at reality. I don’t want to feel what I feel now…a year from now. Feel me?

We still love each other very much… but we both have to take a stand. If we’re going to be together…then we should make it official. If we’re not, (which we aren’t) then we both need time to heal. Now I’m not saying that we can’t be friends in the future. I’m not even saying that we won’t ever get back together in the future (although I doubt it …more in next post). It’s very possible that later on in life our paths will cross. But we need this time to move in our various directions since that's what "breaking up" really is.

Hopefully I’ll take my own advice soon. Pray for us.

More on lessons later. :)

Foreshadowing

A week after I wrote my last post, Usher and I parted.

As with any break-up from someone you truly love, this devastated me.

I'd imagine that I'd be a pro with heartbreaks by now, but each time it gets harder and more painful.

This is a man I never thought I would fall in love with. And once I did, I never thought our love would end. Well my love for him still hasn't ended, but our relationship did.

I am not sure how to feel about this. I mean he says it's for our best...and in a way I agree. Everyone knows how crazy our time together was. We was always arguing and trying to get the other to see it our way. But I loved that about us... it was challenging.
Challenging...yet... no love was ever lost. I loved this man so much. Still do. Yet I have to let him go. And I don't really know how. How can you let go of someone who you don't want to let go of? How do I keep it moving knowing that nothing really went wrong to cause us to break up...we just...did?

I hate being so close to him and knowing I can't have him. I hate sitting on the couch where we cuddled on so many times. Cooking in the kitchen he'd sing to me in while I was dishes. I hate laying in the sheets that still smell like him. Looking at the pottery he put his ashes in...driving in and out the complex I moved in just to be closer to him.

It's a nightmare that everywhere I look, everything I hear, every voice I hear reminds me of the love I have for this man that I can no longer express to him.

Lord, I really hope that I recover from this.

This was a turning point for me.

I'm so tired of breaking up.

So tired.

Return of the Sway

I can't believe it's 4 days short of a year since I quit blogging. Blogging was my thang!! But you know when you have nothing left to say, it's time to pack up and go. One day I just decided to stop and I never really looked back.

Until now.

It amazes me how almost a year later, the urge to pour out my heart has returned. I doubt I'll post as much as before...but this blogging thing works wonders for my troubled mind.

Alot has changed in my life since last year. I lost a few pounds. Got a second job. And moved. Yup. I finally moved. lol

But honestly, as I read back over my life from '03-'06. I've realized that things haven't changed as much as I'd like. I'm still not fulfilled. I'm still aching for that companionship I talked about for 3 years.

Yeah, Usher and I are still together. In fact, my crazy behind moved 4 minutes away from him. He wasn't the only reason I moved there, but his proximity to the complex had a lot to do with my decision.

We've had some really great times and made a ton of great memories that I will always keep dear to my heart. As I reminisce, I realize how many of those times were SOOOOOO blogworthy. lol

But in true Usher/Sway fashion, we've had some really tough times. His need to chase paper and my need for attention is like the waves of the ocean crashing into a rock: a few crashes may not have too much of an effect, but after continuous contact the foundation slowly starts to erode.

What's so dangerous is that we're slowly falling apart with each argument, and we don't even realize it until one day, all of the little clashes turn into something that one of us can no longer deal with.

Sad thing is, my relationship with Usher isn't the only unfulfillment I currently have. It's like, I've been in this funk for almost a month and I can't seem to get out of it.

I figured maybe I can work through it here.
Anyways...we'll see.

I Officially...

QUIT DIS B****!!! (C&D '06)

It's been 3 years.

I've laughed...cried.

Got mad...got glad.

Went from "he's so wonderful" to "he ain't sh**!"

3 years of my life is here...

and i think it's time to call it quits.

Blogging has been a great joy for me. In fact, I may start an entire new blog one day...who knows. All i know is right now... i know it's time to throw in the towel for Perfect Chaos.

I will be back to do a "over the years" post complete with pictures of some of the people I've talked about. I might even throw in a quiz for those who have been faithful readers...and give the winner a prize or something.

We'll see. *shrug*

Oh wait...before i go. I guess I should at least tie up a few of the loose ends from my last post.


THE CAR
Well... I didn't actually take it to the dealership that next day like i planned. I was like... man...screw this. I need a car. lol So I rode it til the very end.
Last friday morning... I was awaken to the sound of my car being taken away. They had called monday to ask me to get the car signed in my name OR ELSE. I didn't want to do it because I'd already been having problems with the car...and now the transmission was so bad that I literally COULDN'T REVERSE. *smh* Plus, the amount still owed on the car was ridiculously high and I could get a practically brand new car instead. So, I replied to them that while I'd continue paying the notes, I refuse to sign my name on any dotted line concerning this car. Friday... they came and got the car.

Darn it! Now how in the heck am I gonna get to work??

My moms gave me a ride...and i'm so happy that Usher has a car now because I called him to come pick me up from work.

"Can u take me to Rick Case baby? I wanna go look at that car we looked at a few weeks ago again."

"Aight" He smirked. He thought it was funny that I was carless and he's the one having to take me around now.

It's not gonna be for long buddy. Trust that.

We get to the dealership and talk to Jayson again. We were referred to him by Usher's best friend.
"Shawty, go to Jayson. He's a cool azz dude. He'll hook you up. Plus, if you buy something, I'll get $300 for referring you." He mentioned to us a few weeks back when I told him I was considering buying a car.

Jayson might have been cool...but he's still a car salesman trying to make that money. I had found the car he tried to sell me previously on the internet for $4000 cheaper. Usher called him out on it this time when we got there and it became a little heated. Jayson tried to explain what happened...and how the internet price is if you were buying the car cash. So we sitting there...negotiating...getting them to lower my payments IF i decided to by... and lowering the total cost of the car. Finally I'm more at ease with the price.

We spent 2.5 hours there...and I drove out in my new whip.
Thank you God!
When one door closes...another one opens. What a blessing.

THE TICKETS
Well for a while I thought that ole girl lost my tickets because they weren't in the system for a month. But I called 2 weeks ago and there they were. One for $185...the other for $140. That is some BS. So I'm fighting them. Court is monday. Wish me luck!

THE TOOTHACHE
I guess sometimes it's good to be a hustla. Usher is a man's man. You know... he's good at sports, driving fast cars, spades, domino's, madden, and betting. Nothing I'm really into.(except the sports thing)
Well he has plenty of guy friends whom he often hangs with. They get together and smoke...talk that cold cash...and of couse engage in some kind of "negro i'm better than you, let's bet on it to see" activity.
So I've been really broke lately. Between saving for a down payment on a new car, and maintaining that old one... I have been strapped. Usher of course had been let go...and found out that his job had denied his unemployment check request. So he's appealing that, but until the hearing, he's completely out of cash as well. Times are hard...and his toothache is getting worse. He'd been taking the pain meds he got earlier this year for his back to get him through those nights the pain was unbearable.
I guess he said enough was enough. He was gonna make some money. So he invited his "not so legal" friends over for a friendly game of poker.
By the end of the night... let's just say he had raked up enough money to break me off a bill, pay for his root canal, take me out on a much needed date, fill my tank up, and pay his rent.
I'mma need him to do this every weekend. lol What can I say, the boy's got some hustle. :)
So that monday, he got his tooth taken care of and all is well.

THE JOB SITUATION
Okay so Usher was fired. And they denied his request for unemployment. He appealed it, and now they have a conference call with the D.O.L. to get to the bottom of this. Usher is hopeful that he'll win because true enough, the reason they gave for letting him go really ISN'T a good reason. They should have fired him for the fight... then they may have had a case. So we think he'll win. If he does, all the money that they've been witholding over the weeks will be paid in one lump sum. That would be right on time for the holidays. To make ends meet this last month, he's been doing odd jobs with his uncle. He's been making about $40 a day...everyday...which isn't bad until he gets callbacks from these other job prospects. I really admire this about Usher. He's out of work, but he's still making ends meet without asking me for money. He knows how to get his. I can appreciate that about him.
So we're keeping our fingers crossed on this new job he's looking into.


THE RELATIONSHIP

Monday Nov 6, 2006
10:04pm

Me: *calling Usher* Heeeeey baby.
Him: Wuzzup Honey.
Me: Nothing much. Getting ready to go to bed. *yawn* I'm tired.
Him: Already? Awwww. Okay.
Me: Alright. *waiting for him to start our nightly ritual. We've never went a night without saying it*
Him: *knowing I'm waiting for him* Alright Honey, You have a Good Night.
Me: You too.
Him: Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Me: *smiling* You too. *i dunno why i smile everytime he says this*
Him: Muuuuuuuaaaah!
Me: Muuuuuaaaah! *ahhh...the completion of our ritual*

Him: I love you honey.
Me: *2 second stall with mouth agape*

Did he just say he loved me?

Me: I love you too baby.

We hung up and I sat there with a crooked smile and misty eyes.
That was the first time we ever told each other we loved one another.

Maybe we will be alright. Maybe we will.

Flashback break...

Things aren’t going too well in the land of Sway these days. Things have gotten to the point where the only way I can drift off to sleep is by tricking my mind into concentrating hard on what I’d do if I won the lottery.
Problem is…I don’t play the lottery…so I have a pretty slim chance of that ever happening.
I swear it is ALWAYS something isn’t it? Does life ever have a “smooth sailing” year for me? Don’t get me wrong… it’s not at disaster level…but it’s close enough for comfort.

Usher crashed his car about a month ago. I can’t remember if I mentioned it on here or not…but yeah. He hydroplaned while going down a long curvy windy street and crashed the car on the side of the curb in some trees/shrubs. He never got it fixed. According to him, the car damage would cost more to fix than the car is actually worth…so he’s been car-less for the last month or so. It’s been fine with him although it bugged the heck out of me. He works close to home and his co-workers seem to have no problem dropping him to and fro.

Well… last week, he finally saved enough to buy another car. I was thrilled. He was too really. He came Friday to my house to pick me up. Every since I got a ticket IN September for expired tags even though my tags said September… I’ve been laying low. I tried to explain to the cop that I’ve been trying to get my tags but my stupid car won’t pass emissions.

*sidenote*
How your car gonna be a ’02 and NOT be able to pass. That ish is still new! grrrr!
*end sidenote*

Anyway…I’ve been spending ALL my money fixing every little code they said was causing my “check engine light” to come on. And still…. The light just won’t go off! I had the same problem last year…but it finally passed. This year…it’s a no go. The last thing the dealer told me is that I need a new transmission and maybe then it’ll pass. MAYBE????
If I’m going to pay a GRAND to get my transmission fixed with no guarantee that I’ll pass… then I’m gonna pass.
There’s no way I was gonna dish that out and my junk still doesn’t pass emissions. I’m not that fond of the car anyways… so I’ve officially quit the car. We’re getting a divorce. And I’m actually turning the car back in to the dealership tomorrow. (long story..don’t feel like telling) So I’ll be carless for about two weeks until I get paid again. Then I can go get the kind of car I want. That’ll be a relief. But these next 2 weeks with out a whip is NOT the business. I am sooooooo sad about that. I didn’t play this thing right…which really sucks. So I’m saving every penny I have and was happy to have my baby come rescue me from my car woes this weekend.

Saturday was fun. We went to the park and then had a “family day”. I took him to meet my aunts and cousins and etc.
He fit right in there. That’s a good thing…but a bad thing since they recruited him to play his favorite game (Madden ‘07) and made us late to our next engagement.
He finally met my sweetie pies. My cousin’s kids. I go see them at least twice a week.
As soon as he saw Zion, the 3 month old, he melted. “Sway, this is how Usher Jr. is gonna look! I can’t wait”

*record scratch…errr*

Uh…negro… you CAN wait. And you will! I had to let him know that while I really want a little one… please know that I need ‘bout a year or two to get my pockets at least halfway straight. And um….there needs to be a ring on this here finger of mine patnuh!

Anyways he and Zion hit it off really well…


Ain’t they cute?



So things were going well right?
We left there and headed to his cousin’s baby shower. It was more like a family reunion than anything. We get there 10 minutes late mind you…and there were 3 people there…none of which was the mommy-to-be, her husband, or her parents. So we’re chillin. People are pouring in and all of the “Hey’s” and “Boy you done got big’s” began to fill the room. Usher’s introducing me to his cousins, and aunts and even his grandmother who lives in Augusta. Everyone is feeling me and telling him how cute I am. He beams. We’re happy. All is well. Except for my car…but hey…at least I can get another one. *shrug*

Monday rolls around and Usher gets a tooth ache. It’s so bad that he calls me while I’m looking at used cars on my lunch break to tell me that he’s going to the dentist to figure out how to make the pain stop. About 30 minutes later he calls to tell me that his insurance doesn’t pay but so much for the procedure he needs..and that his out of pocket expense is more than he has right now. Unfortunately I can’t help him although I have it, because if I gave it to him, I know he wouldn’t be able to pay me back in time for me to get my car next week. So I’m like… call your job and ask for an advance. *sigh* He calls in and finds out that the boss needs him to come to the office first thing in the morning (which is this morning) *more sighs* Very bad news. No one goes to the office and comes out happy.
Well not only did he NOT get the advance…but he gets fired.
Blah!
I thought it was because of the fight that happened 2 weeks ago. ( I did mention the fight right?)

*Flashback*
Thursday Sept. 28th
3:38pm
Cell rings

Me: Hey baby
Usher: Hey honey…what u doin
Me: At the lil office trying to pay the taxes on my tag since my stupid car won’t pass emissions
Usher: *calmly* Oh… well can um… you come and get me. I just punched my supervisor in the face.

Me: What?!? Huh? For real? *stopping dead in my tracks*

Usher: *still calm* Yeah. I’ll tell you about it later. You coming?

Me: uh…yeah. Lemme call you back. They just called my number.

So I get on the road and I’m on my way to him. When he calls again.

Usher: Where u at?

Me: On 400. I’m about 3 exits away…but there’s SOOOO much traffic. I think there’s an accident on Holcomb Bridge or something. I’ll be there..

Usher: aight…well just call me. I’m gonna be standing on the corner. I had to leave the bldg. because my supervisor came at me with a mallet and swung on me twice. I blocked him the first time..but he called me a B*itch N*gger and I lost it. I picked his ass up and slammed him on his head. He’s unconscious. They called the ambulance…and the cops are coming…so my co-workers told me to go.

Me: *not believing what I’m hearing* Whaaaaaaaaaat??? *feeling so confused*

So I’m riding in my car with the gas face like…why the hell would you fight your supervisor? Like…for real fight. Is it that serious where ya’ll had to come to blows?

Usher hasn’t changed at all. He can be the sweetest guy…but it doesn’t change the fact that he is a complete hot head.

He got lucky though. They fired the supervisior because everyone’s account stated that the supervisor provoked Usher. Everything was squashed and Usher was back to work.

*Flashforward*

So…they didn’t fire his behind for the fight... But two weeks later…they are letting him go? Oooookay. So he’s out of a job. I’m out of a car. He has a tooth ache…and no money. I have money and need it. Tough spot.

Let’s see how this one pans out. *sigh*

HE changed Me (part 3)

David was nothing like my first love, GT. GT was shy but quietly strong. Dark with a dazzling smile. He was serious about school and continuously talked about his goals. He was one of those guys most girls labeled as a “nice guy”.
David…however, was not like that. He was a complete showoff. Always entertaining a crowd…always making jokes…always dressed as if he was Tyson Beckford. Actually, I don’t think anyone could have convinced him he wasn’t Tyson. The only thing David came to school for was to chat it up with friends, and play sports.

After talking to him for a while, I realized that he was soooo not my type. His infatuation with himself and his POLO clothes irritated me to no end. Yet he persistently persued me…and the more we talked, the more he let down his guard. I got a chance to see a side of David that many didn’t even know he had. I always find the good in people. I liked the new David I saw and my interest became genuine.

We talked after school everyday for about two months. The New Year came and went. He suggested often that we go out, but every time he did I’d lie and say that I had other plans. Truth was…I quite ready to "officially date"yet. We had gotten to the point where he’d carry my books to a few of my periods…he’d sit with me and Biah at lunch…and we’d even started kicking it after school before our respected practices…but going out was a different story. That meant I had to take him home to meet my parents.

The first week back after the New Year’s break I gave in to his advances and went out on our first date. I didn’t really know what to expect. He had his own car and this would be my first time ever going on a date with out a parent driving.
Friday night came surprisingly fast, and before I knew it, my mom had interrogated him within an inch of his life…and after that… were finally free from her…from school…from everyone. We were completely alone and I was thrilled.

My first real date!!!

I had no idea what to expect. But I did know one thing… we were going to kiss a lot. Uninterupted. With no fear of a straggling teacher turning the corner afterschool and catching us.

He was a perfect gentleman that night. He opened my car door, held my hand, payed for everything…there was nothing he didn’t do.
I guess I had him pegged wrong…
What happened to our kissing all night? I wondered.

I must have been a little more curious about this stuff than he was.
He drove me home with not so much as a peck the whole night.

Maybe he’s waiting for the goodnight kiss.
Does my breath stink?
Is my lips chapped?

I casually reach into my purse and pull out my chapstick. He doesn’t seem to notice.

“So what are you doing tomorrow?” He asked.

I shrugged. “ I dunno. Nothing probably. You?”

“I was hoping to see you again.” He smiled.

“Sure” I replied. He gave me a hug and paused slightly before moving in for a small peck on my lips.

That’s it?

“Night, Sway. I’ll call you tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you.” He beamed.

Guess that IS it.

For the next 3 weeks we went out every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The peck became a kiss…which became more and more as the weeks went by.

I was loving all of the affection and attention. He was very gentle, passionate and never too overbearing. He'd initiate all contact, but always let me lead how long and what we did next.

I guess that’s why I was so surprised when one saturday night during our normal smooching session, he stood up and pulled out a rubber.

HE changed Me (part 2)

Lakeside was a typical high school… there were groups and cliques everywhere. The cool and popular won “best dressed” and “Homecoming king/queen”…the chess and debate team were at the top of the class…and the jocks were just that….JOCKS! They had the prettiest women, got away with nothing short of murder, and everybody loved them.

My 3 best friends and I didn’t quite fit into any of the pre-made categories so we just formed our own little group. *shrug*

We had a routine. Each morning since we started our new school, we’d scramble to the downstairs bathroom in the corner…and do our hair/fix our clothes/put on our gloss and gossip until all 4 of us were ready to go together down “The Catwalk”. The Catwalk was a long narrow hallway lined on each side with groups of guys waiting to look at/make fun of/ gawk at/ try to holla at anyone that walked down it. You literally feel like the moment you turn the corner on to this corridor, you’re on the runway and everything from head to toe is on display. When I could, I avoided the Catwalk like nobody’s business, but as luck would have it, my locker was housed there. So was one of my two best friends. So for support, all four of us would walk as quickly as possible from the bathroom to our lockers.

I barely breathed from the time we turned the corner until we successfully made it to the lockers. I hated being stared at. You can feel the eyes burning on you as you walk and the uncomfortable-ness made it hard for me to breathe. I had no idea what they were thinking…and I wanted to keep it that way. If they were laughing at me…I wouldn’t know because I walked briskly and never looked in the direction of either male-studded wall. My eyes steadily stayed forward…or I shyly looked down. NEVER did I make eye contact.

A week had went by since our victory at the dome and this Friday we happened to be having a pep rally to get ready for our Saturday game in South Georgia for the Georgia Title. The morning started as usual… I got off the bus and scurried to the bathroom to see if my friends were there. ‘Biah and Tee greeted me with big smiles as I opened the bathroom door.

“I told you Sway would be next” Biah beamed. “Kelly lives 3 minutes away and is ALWAYS the last one. I don’t understand!”

I plopped my bag down on the wall by theirs and playfully squeezed in between them at the mirrors. We looked like grapes. All of us in our purple and gold “Royal Divas” t-shirts and purple shorts. This was the only time the school wavered our “shorts below your fingertips” rule. Our dance attire was cute, short, and very flattering to my figure. I could show off my legs without getting in trouble.

Finally Kelly straggled in to complete our group and we were off to our lockers like we’ve done so many times before. I took a deep breath and began my walk.

Focus Sway… don’t fall.
Act non-chalant.
Don’t listen to what they are saying…
There not laughing at you… keep walking
You’re almost there…
Don’t fall…
Breeeaaatheeeee…
A few more steps and we’re th…

“Excuse me!” Someone says.

I’ve passed the voice, but it sounds like it’s coming from someone on my right.

He’s not talking to me. I assure myself as I keep my focus on the nearing locker.

“Excuse me!” The voice rang again, slightly louder.

My girls all started looking back, so I glance across my shoulder for a quick second too and found a guy leaning forward slightly more than the other guys. HE was looking right at me.

I started slowing down and I stumbled a little over my own feet.

Shoot! Act calm, it wasn’t that noticeable.

My friends take the extra two steps towards the lockers…and although I’ve slowed down, I manage to reach them way before he reaches us.

I always thought that the rule has always been to NEVER approach a woman when she’s with her girls. He apparently didn’t get the memo.

“Um…excuse me.” He said bursting through our little half circle around the locker ignoring all my girls while extending his hand to take mine.

“I don’t mean to be rude…” He started, still not looking at any of my girls… “but um, my name is David and if it’s possible, I’d like about 5 minutes of your time this morning. Would you mind that?” He macked in a obviously fake bedroom voice.

My girls were looking at him like… I can’t believe this dude just stepped to her without even acknowledging us.

His eyes were still locked on mine though. He seemed completely uninterested in anything else in the world… including his boys down the hall laughing at him and shaking their head as if they were saying… man, she’s gonna diss him sooooooo badly. And the way I’ve been dismissing the men at this new school thus far…they were right on point to think so…
But there was something about his boldness…

The way he just singled me out in the middle of a crowded hall…
The way he had the nerve to step to me without knowing what my reaction would be… in FRONT of my girls…AND his boys…
The way he never diverted his eyes the entire time he spoke.
He wasn’t looking at my body, my legs… or my breast… but he kept his gaze on my eyes… daring me to look through him.

“um… alright.” I said as I dodged the surprised and agitated glares from the friends and wiggled my way out the semi-circle with my hands cupped in his for support.

“I’ll be right back ya’ll” I mouthed as I walked towards the other end of the hall. This school was one of the few in our city with a swimming pool. No one was allowed there during school hours so this end of the hall was always quiet.

He stopped a few steps shy of the pool entrance and turned towards me.

Wow… he looks exotic. I observed. His brown eyes were slightly slanted up and his cheek bone was high. He had such a strong face…well defined jawline, full lips, total package.

“I asked all my friends about you and no one knew anything. I couldn’t believe that because how could a girl so beautiful be such a mystery? I’d think everyone would be trying to find out more about you. You’re perfect. I mean, it must have hurt when you feel from heaven…Angel.”

I smiled.

Not because I thought it was sweet… but more because I was stiffling my urge to laugh.

Is he serious? He said that like he’s rehearsed that line a million times. Is this what I ditched my girls for?

“People have tried to find out about me. It’s just that they were trying for the wrong reasons. I don’t open up to just anyone.”

For the first time, his confident look faded and he looked down the hall as if to think of something else to say.

“Not to be mean or anything but...I’ve heard a lot of lines and I’m not really into that. I like guys who speak from the heart. When you have something to say… you know where my locker is.”
With that… I turned and walked away.

“Sway!” He says.

I stop and look at him. How does he know my name?

“Okay, okay, wait. I’m not trying to run game on you. I just want your number so maybe we can talk sometime and I can get to know you. You seem different. I just want a chance to get to know why. That’s all.”

He seemed genuine enough. His voice was now that of a typical 16 yr old. He was still confident…but I could tell that he had no idea what I was going to say next…and that was new to him.

How do you know my name? I questioned.

Well...I...uh...I saw you the first day of school and thought you were cute, but you know... it was the first day...and I was just having fun with my boys. Then I kept seeing you around all the time. You walk down this hall everyday and I always say to my boy how cute you are. But he thought you looked too "goody" for me. Then I saw you at the game last week. You were so lively and you seemed like you were a fun person. I've been asking everyone about you and found out enough to know that I was gonna come talk to you monday. But I've been....you know... it just wasn't the right time until today."

“Oh.” I found myself saying. I had no idea why I gave in so quickly. It’s just something about him.

"Well...just give me a call and maybe we can get to know each other better. I go to bed at 10:15 so call before then."

I take the pen and scrap paper he pulls from his pockets and scribble my name and number down. Relief washed over his face. It seemed to read…Mission Accomplished.

Indeed it was…
I was still clueless.