September Deferred

You ever feel like you’re living the real live version of the Truman show. Sometimes I swear I’m on tv or something. Everyone can’t be experiencing the amount of random crazy things I see/hear/feel everyday. But then again, maybe they do.*shrug*

Aaaaaaaaanywho...

September has been a reflective month for me thus far. Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the life I thought I’d be living right now. Emails about birthdays and how this month is reported to have the most babies born of all months….coupled with blast emails from David’s Bridal, Modern Bride, and all the other sites I registered with counting down the days until my wedding….has made it hard to forget.
If life had went as planned, baby would be a few weeks old now…if that. And TG and I would only be a week and 3 days away from our wedding day.

Instead, there’s no baby. There’s no TG. And while at the beginning of this year, those two things sounded like the end of the world to me, I’m still here. Life’s still going on. I can still smile. I can still be happy. I can still…love.

At times I feel guilty about that. Guilty for enjoying my life. How can I be happy when baby’s not here? How can I just… move on like that. I mean, I’ll never forget…and I have my nights even now where my mind drifts to our 2 months together and I remember. I cry and I cry…and I ache…and I long.
But then I have to pull myself together…and move on….although I never really do. I move on in life…but in my heart…baby will never be forgotten.

I guess that’s why lately I’ve been feeling this strong maternal desire. I want a child. Really bad. Now I know that I’m not really ready for one financially. And if I’m really honest with myself… I’m not ready for one period. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pull.

It’s a hard thing for me to watch 4 of my best friends give birth this year…and watch their children grow…and see the glow on the new mommies’ faces without feeling a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness…

But you know what… my time will come.
No one knows why God allows things to happen they way they happen. However I do know that my life is going exactly the way it is supposed to go…and I’m looking forward to seeing what my future holds.
.
.
.
.
.
I saw a rainbow yesterday. I always see it in the same place…getting off the expressway exit by my house. I look up and there it is… in all it’s beauty. There’s nothing like a real rainbow. Everytime I see one I swear I smile. Every single time. I don’t know why, but no matter what’s going on in my life, rainbows seem to give me hope. Just the fact that it’s there soothes me. All the way home I had this cheesy grin on my face. I’m happy. :)
I have two loving parents who supports me in all my endeavors. Really good friends whom I can call on for whatever. And my Usher…whose smile and hugs have gotten me over many many rough days. I have a good job. A reliable car. I eat each and EVERY Day… (way too much usually)...and a place to rest. I’m blessed. I’m really blessed!

Things may not have panned out the way i thought it would... but there's definitely nothing wrong with this new plan.
I'm excited again...
Excited to see how far this plan goes...
Excited to know that even if this plan doesn't pan out the way i think it should...that whatever's next could be just as good.
I'm just excited.

Baby I swear it's Deja Vu...

August 15th
9:52am
work phone rings

Me: Behavioral Research, Sway speaking.
Usher: Hey Honey…whatchu doin?
Me: Nothin. Just getting ready for this 10am meeting. *looking at the clock*
Usher: oh okay… I just wanted to tell you this real quick. Tobie called me a few minutes ago. *laughing*
Me: *feeling knots* Oh yeah?

Here we go. What the hell does she want now. I hate when she calls. I hate hearing her name. I hate hearing about her. Ugh!

Usher: Yeah. Get this. She calls to tell me that she’s considering going to rehab and wants to know how I feel about my daughter coming to live with me until she gets out.
Me: mmmm...okay...

I tried to say it as casually as I could…but I just felt like something was coming. The knots in my stomach tightened… my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why. They just were. I took a deep breath and continued to listen.

Usher: Yeah… so I told her that ya' know…I’d love for my daughter to come down here, but I gotta make some arrangements, and I’d get back with her on that.
Then she was like… “and yeah, I was thinking that um…once I get out of rehab, I could move down to Atlanta and live with you too and we can try to make it work again?” *laughing hysterically* That woman is crazy! I told her…I got a girlfriend now shawty! That ship has sailed.

Me: *gulping hard* Yeah. *uneasy laugh*
Him: Then she had the nerve to tell me that she misses me and that things haven't been going right since I left. She talkin about she realize that she did me wrong and promises she'll never do it again. She claims that she sees now that I was her protector up there... she done got into 6 fights since I left. She lost 4 and won 2. *gut bursting laughter* Then she was like "how can I make it up to you" And I told her there was nothing she could do. I told her I made the same promise to you that I made to her about never leaving, so that's what she get for doing me wrong and then i hung up on her ass. *still laughing* Well that’s all I wanted to tell you. That shit was fuuuuun-neeeeee! Aight, I gotta go… have a good day honey. I’ll call you later.
Me: uh…alright.

I sat at my desk paralyzed. It was now 9:59…and I couldn’t move.
I had to be at this meeting…but I was visibly shook. My whole body trembled…my heart was beating fast…my legs were wobbly and I felt as if I was about to break into sobs.

Why was I feeling like this. He just told me that he didn’t want his ex. Shouldn’t I be happy?

I managed to find my way to the meeting and sit through the entire thing without letting one tear fall. But I couldn’t concentrate.
An array of emotions surfaced.
I was insecure.

I was scared.

Nervous…


This was all too familiar…

This is exactly how it started with TG last year.

The phone calls from the ex…at first about the kids…then about her wanting him back…then where they went wrong…

Next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had to go back and try it once more…
His kids needed him. He wanted to make his family work. He needed to make his family work and I was left...

we were left.

I tried hard to focus on my meeting. But all I could manage to do was focus on keeping my tears from hitting my cheek. I know everyone noticed. But I couldn't shake this off. I really care about Usher. I really enjoy his company. I really want this to work out for us...and I don’t want Usher to leave.

Not like that anyways. If we don’t work out… I don’t want it to be because I was just a rebound chick he was messing with until he felt he punished his ex enough before going back to her. I don't want it to be because he left me for someone he said he was done with. I don't want it to be because he never intended to stay with me.

I can’t go through this again. Not like this. I just…can’t.

Am I over reacting? He did tell me before that he wasn’t going back to her. And his phone call was to tell me that he wasn’t planning on going back to her now.

But still… the thought of it makes me queasy.

How could I get myself into the same type situation again? Didn’t I learn anything about dating divorced men with children!

He’s gonna leave me…
Watch...he's gonna leave...
He’s gonna freakin leave me for her…I kept hearing a voice repeat over and over again in my head.

It got so uncontrollable that I couldn’t think of anything else all day.

He didn’t give it another thought. The moment it left his mouth he was done. It was over…and he moved on… but me…I couldn’t let it go.

After my meeting I called him and expressed my need to see him that night. I knew he got off late, but I didn’t care. I needed reassurance and I needed it NOW.

“Is everything okay? You okay?” He questioned after hearing the anxiety in my voice.

“Yeah… I just uh… I just need to see you” I lied.

That night I just watched him. He seemed so unmoved by what happened earlier that day. A woman you loved dearly and spent the last 10 years of your life with called you and begged you for another chance and it doesn’t move you?

He’s faking it. It had to touch him. He had to consider it… He’s not in love with me… and although he’s already vowed to never leave me…c’mon…this is someone you share a child with. Someone who you wife'd. Someone you were crazy in love with. How do you expect me to believe that you’ve completely healed and you’re totally over her?

“Usher, I wanna talk about the convo we had today”

“What convo?” he mumbled while stuffing a big piece of cheese pizza into his mouth.

“You KNOW what convo. The one about Tobie. Listen, I’ve been here before…and to say that her return isn’t affecting me would be lying. I don’t wanna go through what I went through with TG again. If you still have any feelings for her… or if you even think that you MIGHT consider her offer, I’d much rather we end our relationship NOW on a good note…and just be friends so you can get your thoughts together and I don’t end up hurt more down the line.”

Silence.

The smacking became louder and louder as he chewed his pizza. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to reassure me. Tell me that he didn’t want her…he wanted me. I wanted him to hug me and kiss me and look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me.
But he just chewed and chewed.

I looked at my own plate… I barely even touched my food. How could I eat at a time like this. My stomach was doing flips.

“Sway…didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t gonna leave you? We can’t go through this every time I metion her damn name. It wasn’t like I said I wanted her back. I mean, damn Sway. You really worried about that ain’t you?”

“Yeah. I am.”

I really am.

I tried to let it go because I realized that no matter what I did, or said...only time will reveal the real truth. If he's gonna leave, nothing I say will make him stay (or leave earlier). If he's gonna stay, nothing she says will make him leave. But my talking about it won't really change anything. I guess I have only two options: stay and see what happens...or leave and never know.

I opted to run on...and see what the end is gonna be.

But I still don't know how to take his attitude about all of this. Is he really done with her? Is it a front to hide his true feelings? Is he trying to figure out what he wants to do? Is he waiting for her to get clean and come down before making a decision? Is he really into me now and realizes that what we have is worth holding on to?

Maybe he’s like me. He may still love her, but what she did to him was inexcusable… sort of like TG and I. Maybe even though he might still love her, he can never go back. Nothing would be the same and he's better off with someone he can trust.

Or maybe he's like TG... thinking that he's over her, starting a new relationship and realizing down the line that he still has feelings so strong that he feels compelled to go back.

It could go either way. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I want to break up with him and find someone else so that I don't get my heart broken anymore than it is.

But is it fair to punish him for what TG did to me?

Is it stupid to stay with him with all the warning signs flashing right in front of my eyes?

I guess we'll see. I just know that I can’t get too comfortable with him. I like him a lot, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder if this is gonna be déjà vu.

Lost Mojo...

I’ve changed my mind.

I’m tired of writing about Usher and I. Is that weird? How am I gonna be tired of us? lol I guess cuz I’ve realized that nothing new is gonna happen with us. We’re gonna fight, then make up until one day we either break up or get married. So when either of those outcomes happen, I’ll update you.
Plus I went by a blog today and realized how tiring it is to hear about the same two people all the doggone time and figured my readers are probably as tired of reading about usher and I as I am in writing it…and reading on other people’s blogs.

I don’t really have anything else to talk about… but that’s never stopped me before. I have lots of chaotic thoughts in this noggin of mine. I usually get them when I’m off work and away from a computer. lol By the time I get back to a computer, I have lost all desire to blog…and halfway forgot the subject I wanted to talk about. But, when I get a blog jones…I’ll be sure to share.
*shrug*

Anyways… I’m lazy today…. So I’ll just do a meme (or two). I’ll be back to do a real post when I find my mojo.

Random thangs....
1. Who is the last person you high-fived?
Some lady at church. Preachers always want you to interact with your neighbor.
Preacher: Hi-5 your neighbor and say “nay-bah”

Me and lady kinda glancing at each other hoping the other one didn’t see us looking so we don’t have to really do a hi-5. Dang…we caught eyes. Weirdly hi-5in..each other mumbling “Neh-buh”

Preacher: Gawd, is good!

Me and lady:*mumbling* Gawd, is good.


2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
*blink, blink* NEXT

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
nope. I need total silence…or a fan to drift off. I’m extra sensitive to noise. I don’t understand how I could be after living in a dorm. *shrug*

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
uh…negative.

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Sure have. I know you can’t tell by reading this blog. lol

7. How fast can you type?
pretty fast… 70ish wpm.

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
After scary movies yeah. lol

9. Eye color?
brown

12. Do you knock on wood?
nope. Didn’t you read one of my first blog postings here???

13. Are you drinking anything right now?
nope

14. Do you think you're attractive?
for the most part yeah.

15. Can you hula hoop?
No. And I’m ashamed. Very ashamed.

16. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Yeah.

17. What do you want for Christmas?
A new car! Any takers???


18. Do you know the Muffin Man?
That lives on Drury Lane?

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
nope… too busy snoring.

20. Who wrote the book of love?
dunno. *shrug*

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
Nope

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
I dunno… lemme check…
.
.
.
*2 minutes later*
I’m tired… I only got through the C’s.

25. Have you ever asked for a pony?
no. does my little pony count?

26. Plans for tomorrow?
Work. Gym. Home. Nothing spectacular

29. When was the last time you told someone 'I love you'?
Today.

31. How are you feeling today?
I’m good

32. Are you black?
uh… *looking at skin* guess so! lol

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
nope

34. What are you looking forward to?
a lot. let’s see.. a new car… a new place…a raise…seeing the results of hitting the gym…lol… lots.

35. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes. Unfortunately. Wish I remembered why...

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
Definitely a Negative

38. Can you handle the truth?
sometimes

39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
nope

40. What 3 things you always bring w/ you to places?
driver’s license, keys, and celly

41. Any cool scars?
scars…yes…
“cool” scars… no

43. How many kids do you plan on having?
however many God blesses me with. (unless I get to 5…then I’d just get my tubes tied.)

44. What do you do when no one is watching?
Do my beyonce impressions in the mirror.

46. Do you talk to yourself?
yeah.

47. Is there something you want that you can't have?
yeah.

48.Two things about the opposite sex that you first notice.
walk, face.

50. Who did you last hug?
my momma

52. Where is your phone?
right here in front of me

53. What was the last thing you ate?
a home made salad. (mmmm)

54. Favorite Color?
don’t have just one. I have favorite colors for favorite things.

55. What is the last movie watched?
Idlewild

56. What song do you currently hear?
Donnell Jones - u know what's up

57. What do you want?
Everything


Yes or NO Questions…
Rules:
You can ONLY reply with a YES or NO
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING
(although things with asterisks I will elaborate on if you ask me to in comment section.)

Taken a picture completely naked? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes
Told a lie? Yes
Ever had a one night stand? No*
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
Been arrested? No
Made out with someone of the same sex? Yes*
Seen someone die? No
Kissed a picture? Yes
Slept in until 5pm? Yes
Had sex at work (on the clock)? Yes*
Fallen asleep at work/school? No
Held a snake? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Totaled a car in an accident? No*
Pole danced? No
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something/someone you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose? No
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? No
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Gave your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone to school/work without underwear? Yes*
Sat on a roof top? Yes
Played chicken? No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Broken a bone? Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Had sex with your socks on? Yes
Shaved your head? No
Slept naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Had a gym membership? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes
Cried over someone you were in love with? Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No
Been in a band? Yes
Subscribed to Maxim? No
Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? No
Shot a bow and arrow? No
Played strip poker? Yes
Tripped on mushrooms? No
Donated Blood? Yes
Eaten alligator meat? No
Have you been to more than 10 countries? No
Been caught having sex in your car? Yes*

It was the best of times...

Yay!
It’s Wednesday and I’m not broke! I survived the birthday weekend with gas money to spare. *whew* I enjoyed every minute of my weekend you guys. I think I enjoyed their birthday more than I did my own.

Both my mom and Usher are very high strung individuals…each requesting to have their every demand and whim catered to. Royalty in their own right…. or shall I say, in their own minds. *sheesh* Those two know they can play the boss.

They weren’t too too bad this year though. Moms wanted a suit from this boutique she frequents, so shopping for her wasn’t time consuming. It usually isn’t. She hates surprises. She’s the type that will take you to all her favorite shops and pick out what she wants you to buy her. *shrug*
It works for me. I just save (since she loves expensive stuff) and then when I get the money, I waltz in and out within minutes.

This year, we took her to Maggiano’s. It was definitely a treat since I hadn’t been since my birthday last year. To me, Maggiano’s is the kind of place you go with a nice crowd. So of course we invited all the family and her friends. My mother actually wanted Usher to come, but he had to work.
Um...Is it wrong for me to feel a little relieved that he wasn’t able to come? I mean, it wasn’t that I don’t like him around my family, it’s just that… I dunno…I’m afraid he’s gonna say something that’s gonna turn my parents completely off. Usher is known for his brutal honesty and he holds nothing back… so I guess the less he’s around them, the less he has a chance to ruin the pretty nice impression they have of him. Plus, every since bringing TG around and him doing what he did, I feel a little silly/stupid. I don’t wanna start bringing Usher around all the time, then we break up and have to feel that same way again. I think that’s the real reason. I just don’t wanna get too comfortable thinking he’s gonna be there…and then have to explain to everyone why we aren’t together. I HATE that.

Anyway, since I didn’t see him Saturday, I made up for it the next two days.The rest of the weekend was all Usher. Since his b-day fell on Monday, he started partying Saturday night and didn’t stop until yesterday morning.
Sunday I got to his place after service around 10am and of course he was still lounging around in the bed talking about how messed up he had got the night before. I’m looking around like… homeboy, did a tornado hit your house?
2-liter coke bottles, doritos bags, plastic cups, a pizza box, cigarillo wrappers, and a bottle of almost finished Hennessey peppered his carpet.
This child really did enjoy his doggone self last night.

So we…(read: I) start cleaning up his bedroom cuz I couldn’t even think with all that mess on the floor. By the time I was finished, he was up and showered and ready to get into more trouble. A few of his friends came through and I had to endure that awful Madden game he plays every doggone day. (Okay...so it’s not that bad, but I promise you, if we ever get to the point where we live together, I could definitely see myself getting mad one day and hiding that doggone game.) I cheer him on and watch him slaughter his friend then I told them all that they need to get out so the birthday boy and I can have a little "us" time.

Okay so i didn't say that... but I looked at Usher and he knew what time it was...so he said it for me. lol

We went to his parents’ house around 5. I’d been there twice before, but this time I was a little nervous. I’m sure it had EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he wanted me to sing for them today. Blech! I love to sing…but a sista gets so nervous singing around folks. Especially HIS folks….who will talk about you to your face if you hit a wrong note. *smh*
It worked out though. He must have hyped me up cuz as soon as we hit the door, his daddy hugs me and yells…"aight Sway, get ‘ta sangin. Lemme here whatchu got"

We all burst in to laughter but pops was serious as a heart attack. lol Seeing how I’m shy, I held Usher’s hand for the whole song and even closed my eyes so I didn’t see the 6 of them just staring at me. I ended the song and opened my eyes just in time to see Usher’s daddy dabbing a napkin at his right eye.

“Awwww…you made my daddy cry.” Usher teases me as he kiss my cheek as to tell me thanks and starts to brag to the fellas how his girl is "all the way live." lol *whew* That’s finally done. Now I’m ready to eat!

His momma was straight working that kitchen. Mmmmm … is that fried tilapia, cheese grits, eggs, potato salad, mac and cheese, and deviled eggs I see? Cl-lawd have mercy!
This some down home, country cooking hurrrr! I was so excited. I stuffed myself til I couldn’t stuff anymore…then ate some more! lol

We stayed around there after dinner for a few hours. The men folk went downstairs and talked that trash while betting on a few games of Tunk. His mother, sister and I sat in the kitchen talking about their crazy behinds, and eventually went down to join in the festivities. I think Usher ended up winning a whopping $8 dollars. lol

We headed back to his place and Lord knows I wanted to just stay right there with him. We both had put in our request for time off on Monday, so I was in no rush to go to bed.
Around 3:30 that morning, we were able to tear ourselves away from each other and I sleepily drove home…only to be back at his house around noon.

“Happy Birthday honey!” I screamed while jumping into his arms as he opened his door. After greeting me with his bear hug and kiss, I figured I’d go ahead and get started on his birthday cake.

He and his roommate (who happens to be his cousin…and who’s birthday also happens to be that that day) kinda lurked around the kitchen waiting for me to finish with the cake.

“I hope it tastes better than it looks” Usher chimes while watching me smooth on the icing.

Oh, I KNOW he didn't...

I glare at him.

I look at the cake...*chuckle* he’s right…this is the ugliest cake I’ve ever made. lol I don’t know what it is about cooking in someone else’s kitchen but I can never get stuff right if I’m not at home.

“It’ll taste fine Thankyouverymuch!”

I pick at it for a little while longer and finally give up on it’s aesthetic appearance. “Alright I’m done!” I sigh.

He looks at it and sighs, paces back and forth, rolls his neck and shoulders... like he’s about to do something amazing and says… “K, I’mma taste it”.

Boy stop! If you don’t eat this doggone cake and stop being so dramatic! lol

He takes one bite and his eyes roll back a little.

“Mmmmm… it’s so moooist!”

“I know. I told you I'd hook u up baby!” I smirk. *whew* I was 'shole glad it still tasted good.

The rest of his birthday was a big blur. We did so much, and I was tired when I got back home. All in all it was a good weekend. :)

And then........

the Bull$#!+ began.

Next blog: "It was the worst of times: Deja Vu"

Smile

God
Is
Good.

Period.

There’s no other way to put it. I’ve been struggling a lot this year with my spirituality as I try to sort through my changing views on life, my relationship with the Father, and my beliefs about how they coincide. But no matter what I feel, how confused I get, how much I think I don’t know… I keep coming back to these two truths. God is real, and God is Good.

I just needed to get that out. :)

I've been a lazy blogger lately. I dunno why.*sipping tea* I guess I just haven't felt like typing a whole lot...but I'll make it up today. Promise. lol

My weekend was nice. I honestly don’t remember much about Friday but I know it came and went so… *shrug*

Saturday was Usher’s mother’s birthday, so most of the day we were running around getting her birthday requests taken care of. It was kinda fun. She asked for us to wash and detail her SUV for her. So we did what any loving person would do for their parent...went on a quest to find that. lol
We're so lazy.

So we started our quest the right way...we went straight to the hood.

We pulled in the first "car wash" place we saw and sure enough...a crackhead told us he’d detail the entire thing, inside and out…for *drumroll please*
.
.
.
.
six bucks.

I was like dang holmes? That’s it? *eye brows raised*

He was like “yeah, I’ll wash yo car, shine your tires up, get the stains out the carpet, make it smell good, vacuum, put rain x on ya windows… I’ll do it all… I just need 6 bucks.”

Usher and I looking at each other… “Aight”.

So we waiting RIGHT by the car so no funny biznass can go on… and brutha man was working it OUT for his 6 bucks.
His other crackhead friends were coming up trying to talk to him and stuff… and it was funny watching him trying to shew them away from his “customers” since he was now a biznass man. lol

But I gotta say. Homeboy did a good job. Usher shot him a 20 and we went on our way. I hadn’t seen someone so happy in my life. I feel kinda bad for funding an addiction … but dang Usher momma’s whip look NIIIIICE!

We ended up going to Benihana that evening with his family. I really like them. All of 'em are crazy! Well except his mom, but she’s been around the nonsense for so long that she blends right on in. We’re all sitting around the table waiting for the show while Usher and his dad talk that trash, when this skinny black man comes over and introduces himself as our chef for the night. Everyone looked at each other and around the restaruant at everyone else's chef and got real quiet for about .03423 seconds before the laughter reigned and the jokes began to roll. We like… all these Japanese chefs here…and poor Bernard gets OUR table. They are gonna be messing with him ALL night...subjecting him to our crazy talk. Including him in the jokes...everythang. lol

It was cool though… he had some get back… and I actually think that he made our night even more entertaining.

Everything was good although I think their food is overpriced. There’s a place called Daruma’s in conyers where I can get the same thing/same show for about $30 cheaper. *shrug*

We didn't get back to Usher's place until like...11:30. By midnight I was fussing at Usher to go to bed because Sunday was the BIG day. He needed to get as much rest as he could cuz I wasn't hearing ANY excuses about how he couldn't go to church with me.

So, Usher FINALLY met my parents! *dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun*

I had to pick him up since his car is still completely messed up from the accident last week, but when I saw him I had to pat myself on the back. I did GOOD ya'll! lol

He came to church looking as he says “young fresh ta def” . lol

I guess because I’ve never seen him in a suit, he really caught me off guard.
I was a proud chica. :)

We got to church early and plopped on the front row where my parents usually sit and I introduced my folks to him quickly and we sat down.
Of course as soon as we sat down, he leaned over and whispered… “all of ya’ll short”. lol

Gee…thanks babe! *eye roll*

Anywho…church was good. You know everybody was staring at us. Probably wondering who in the heck is this 6’1 man in the front row leaning wit it and rockin wit it? *smh*

Yes ya’ll… I made a big mistake. I purposely took him on the 2nd Sunday because that’s when the young folks choir sings…and they have a knack for getting a little “too crunk” for church if you know what I mean. He didn’t believe me when I told him a few weeks ago that they seriously play young joc at church so I invited him to see this craziness for himself.

So just like clock work…in the middle of service, the chirrun got stirred up and the musicians got to playing TI’s “What u know about that” and it just went from there… we had a whole lil concert… Shoulder lean… Lean wit it rock wit it… everythang. *smh* Lawd Lawd Lawd.

Of course the older folks…(and me too) were just sitting there with an appalled look on our face like… ARE.YOU.FOR.REAL?

Let’s just say, that this was Usher’s favorite part of the service… his crazy behind done got OUT his seat straight dancing with the choir… ON the front row….with his very conspicuous behind! lol

But it was all good. That’s Usher for you. *mumbling…I can’t take him nowhere!* lol

After Church we went to dinner with my parents, but not before stopping by his aunt’s house (since we were out that way) so that she could see him. I guess he doesn’t get over that way much because she nearly fainted she was so happy to see him. He introduced me and she just thought we were the cutest lil things on earth. She all inviting us in and asking us to sit down and I’m like… thanks...but uh, we gotta go…

Of course not before she snaps a pic or two though. lol



Poor camera didn't do a good job of relaying the sexy though. :(
Homeboy was wayyy flyer than this can show. lol

We left there and rushed to folks to find my parents, my uncle and his girlfriend already seated.

Usher decides to break the ice after we sit down by looking over at my mom and saying “Well, I guess you like me okay since you haven’t jumped over the table and lashed out at me.”

To which my mom replied with a straight face... “Naw I haven't... yet”.

Oooooooooh! It has begun. lol

It was all in good fun though. Usher said some things that I’m SURE my parents didn’t like, but he was charming and funny too.

All in all, I think that the day went pretty darn good.

*sigh of relief*

Now…next order of business…surviving the upcoming weekend. Both Usher and my mother are celebrating birthdays this weekend. *faints* Pray for me! We leo's are expensive.

Storm's here...

You ever ask a question you didn’t really want to know the answer to? Ever make a statement and immediately wish you could retract it? Well… that’s me right now… hoping that nothing more comes up. I am glad to report that no one died… but wow has this week been one big worry case after another.

It happened just like in my dream…back to back to back…but WHAT happened was different. Right after I finished my blog about hoping this isn’t the “calm before the storm”, it hit.

I got a call the next morning saying that my cousin was being rushed to the hospital because she was unconscious.

Unconscious? Huh.

I asked them what happened and no one could really say, everyone said that it looked like she had a seizure and blanked out. Once they got her to the hospital, the doctor said that she had a migraine induced stroke.

Stroke?

At 25?

Dang.
I love my cousin. She’s more like my little sister, so it hit me really hard for her to be going through this.

Thankfully, God saw fit to heal her…and she’s recovering fine at home. *whew*

The next day, my friend calls to tell me that his car was stolen. His laptop, work stuff, church stuff…everything was in there. So far, it still hasn’t been recovered.

The day after that, Usher hydroplanes and crashes his car during our hurricane-like rain.
He had NO seatbelt on...so he was ejected from his seat.
But to God be the glory... he's alive.

So we get him checked out and ER suggests that he takes Monday off. He tells his job, and they aren't happy about him not being there... *sigh* Yeah he told them what happened, but these butt holes don't seem to care. So he had to deal with that today. But at least he still has a job. *sigh*
One of my good friends just lost her job. So she’s calling me crying and panicking about how she’s gonna make it.

I’m trying to be there for everyone…but I’m tired. And sad. I think about how many of these people would come help me if the roles were reversed. I think about how everything is happening all around me…to people I love. I think of what if the stroke took my cousin out, what if my friend was kidnapped with the stolen car, what if the crash was Usher’s final day here..
I couldn’t stop crying.
I was sad that this week people I love almost died...
But soooo very grateful that they didn’t.
I’ve already lost so much this year, I don’t think I could handle any more grief.
So… *sigh*
Lord, please… let the rest of this year go smoothly.

Wed nes day

Awwwww…you guys DO love me. :)

Thanks to everyone for the happy birthday wishes.
I’m glad to report that my birthday was nice and I'm officially on a "good birthdays" streak. I started celebrating on Friday and didn’t finish until last night. I must say, maturity and experiences are definitely changing my definition of partying though. If I had this type of birthday 5 years ago, I would have thought it was the most boring uneventful birthday weekend ever. But I really enjoyed myself. I’ve settled down a whole lot…and I’m glad. All that wild stuff would have caught up to me by now if I was still out there like that.

Not much to report on the weekend. Usher and I had a really nice time doing nothing together. We talked a lot. Ate a lot, sang a lot, and bought a lot… It was great. Did I tell you all that I’m considering moving on his side of town soon? I’ve been wanting to move since last year, and I’m finally in a position to do it. So I’ve been looking around everywhere, but happened to find a nice place less than 5 minutes away from his place that was nice. It also happens to be 5 minutes away from my mother’s job, and 15 minutes away from mine. That’s perfect huh? Well… unless my mother comes over everyday, Usher and I break up, and my job moves downtown…which has been a topic of discussion. lol Decisions. Decisions. We’ll see.


I did manage to get my butt up at the crack of dawn to go to Free Spirit on Sunday. *yay* I didn’t realize how missed I was. Everyone hugged me and smiled at me and told me how much they missed me. It was heart warming. Of course Pastor called me up to sing. *smh* I was like… as soon as I step foot in a church, they’re gonna put me to doing something. lol

It was good to be back though. My babies ran to me when they saw me and was like… Miss Su-kel-a where you been? We’ve been looking for you! I hugged them so tight I forgot that they might need to breathe.
Of course they sat with me. Babygirl drew me a birthday card with me swinging on a swing. I thought it was cute. Lil TG just kinda looked at me and smiled. He missed me too. :) His daddy wished me a happy birthday and asked out to breakfast. Blah! I didn't wanna be in his company. Although I must say, it was too cute to see babygirl jumping up and down on my leg begging me to go.
I ended up going to my parents church. I figured after missing a few sundays in church, I'd double it up this week.

Life is going pretty well. :) Hope it not the calm before the storm...

A quickie...

So besides having these nightmares, everything else has been going pretty well in the land of Sway.

My birthday is Sunday, so after today, I’ll be on a mini vacation until Tuesday.
Usher and I are doing good. Of course we’re up to our usual fight/cuddle action. Monday night he even told me that he’s falling in love with me. (awwwww) My heart melted a little.

Work is going well too. I’ve been busy enough to make the day go by faster, but not so busy that I feel like slapping my co-workers and quitting. We’ve been getting spoiled around here lately because we’ve been having a lot of meetings where lunch was provided. Yesterday was the first time in a while that we all had to fend or ourselves at lunch time. None of us was too thrilled about that…so a few of us (read: the black folks in my dept.) found another department that had food and crashed their meeting. We were officially the meeting crashers. *smh* I guess not really. We didn't actually crash the meeting. We just circled the conference room until they were done, hid in the cut until they left…and immediately stocked up on food like we hadn’t ate in 2 weeks. All our grown, business suit, behinds were running back and forth to our desk piling up on the catered food from Moe's. The four of us were sooo happy we found free food. When our sneaky greedy behinds realized that there was sweet tea in there too, we ran back in there, only to be greeted by one of the meeting participants. She was looking at us all dirty. I felt like a little kid getting caught stealing from a candy store.
Dang…we should have ate our nachos and enchiladas with water. *shrug* That was the BEST food I've ever tasted. And i'm not even lying. I don't know why free food, that you actually have to steal taste SOOOO much better than food you pay for. lol

Church is….well it’s Church. I’m still at Free Spirit…aka “TG’s Church” but I must admit, I haven’t been going there as much as I should. Partly because service starts at 7:30 am…and I usually don’t leave Usher’s house until 2-3am the night before. Partly because I don’t feel like driving that far. Partly because it’s been really convenient for me to go to my old church now that I’ve officially “unjoined”. They don’t ask me to participate in anything anymore so i feel a lot more relaxed. It’s almost like…for the first time in years, I have no responsibilities in church. If I don’t show up, no one would care. No one’s waiting for me to teach Sunday school. I’m not singing or dancing every Sunday. No one's waiting for me to start intercessory prayer. So lately, I've been waking up and rolling back over until 9.
I know it’s bad. Hopefully I’ll get out of this slump soon. I miss Free Spirit. I’m gonna go this Sunday and stop playing.

As much as I hate to admit it… I know another reason I’ve been kinda hesitant about going. I know how much Usher hates it. I know I know. I shouldn't care about that. He doesn't run this...I gotta do what’s best for me... yada yada yada. But I'd be lying if I said that it affects me that he doesn’t like the church. I guess about as much as it affects him that I DO like the church. We’ve decided to squash the beef though. He “says” he’s alright with it and encourages me to go…but I still feel a little weird now even though I shouldn’t.

Speaking of weird, your boy’s been blowing my phone up leaving me messages and stuff. Yeah, TG’s tried to make a comeback more than Jordan and Mariah put together! Unlike them though… he has been THOROUGHLY unsuccessful.
I’m tired of him playing the concerned, "I never stopped loving you" role. *eye roll*
Cut your losses and move on like a man!

Well you guys… I’m gonna be off until tuesday and I am estatic! Tomorrow’s payday and I am looking forward to a happy birthday. Ya’ll know, with the exception of last year (here), I haven’t really had good birthday experiences (here). So wish me luck in making “good birthdays” the norm!

Nightmares on Sway's Street

I’ve always been one of those people who believed that dreams were either unconscious desires, useless images/concepts you’ve subjected your mind to during the day, or divine communication with your subconscious.

My thing has always been to try and figure out which one MY dreams were.
I’ve even went as far as to buy dream interpretation books and everything. I’m really into this stuff.

I guess because over the years I’ve had some very vivid, very real dreams about things and people and events that left me speechless when I woke up. Dreams that I remember to this day. Dreams that makes people’s eyes bulge and heart beat fast when I tell it to them.

Usually these dreams are far and few in between…but I remembered them all.
Then last year I started dreaming about animals. Yeah I said animals. Stop looking at me funny.

I had about 4 dog dreams last year. Not just regular dreams with dogs in them… the dogs were like…one of the major players in these dreams. I mean, one time I woke up and literally felt the dog bite on my behind for the next two days! I knew that they meant something, but couldn’t figure out what they meant.

Well…around September of last year, I stopped having those dreams. And kinda forgot all about it.

As fate would have it… two weeks ago, I had my latest dog dream. This one I got bit in as well. Twice on my left hand to be exact.

I woke up as usual with a bewildered frown on my face and wondered what all that meant. I shrugged it off as the day went by and figured I’d know in due time. But the craziest thing happened. Usually after a dream like that, I go for months without having any bad dreams. But in the last two weeks, the dreams kept coming and coming.

For two consecutive nights, I dreamt that Usher got shot. I don’t remember him dying in either dream, but it could be because I woke up right after I saw the blood. A few nights after that, I dreamt that my car got stolen, the night after that, I lost my job...and the night after that, my parents died in a car crash.
*sigh*

This can't be a good thing. How many people have 6 bad dreams in 10 nights?

I can’t understand why such negative dreams. I haven’t been eating late as the old folks would suspect. And I haven’t been watching tv…so I have no idea where these dreams are formulating, and why in such a short time span.

It has me a little worried. Not really in the sense that these dreams are literal truth, and all this will happen just like the dream...but more so in the symbolic sense. I also wonder if these are premonitions of hardships to come, or my unconsious way of seeing/dealing with the things that have happened already.

There's nothing like a good understanding...

“This isn’t working”.. I told Usher.

He closed his eyes and rolled his head backwards onto the couch and listen quietly as I killed him softly.

“We both know how different we are. You know I’m really into Church. U know I got that 'good girl' thing going on. I enjoy gospel music and I enjoy reading the Bible. I really believe that couples should be equally yoked. Plus, I could care less about name brand clothes and shoes and purses. And I don't even know the difference between Young Joc, Young Jeezy and Weesy...and whoever else. You…well you’re a bad boy. You’re into rap, and smoking, and cursing, and cars with rims… you go to church about twice a year and everything you want has to be big and flashy and expensive. You don't care for the music I like, and you live your life by your rules. Everything I like you don’t, everything you like, I don’t. We’re just too different. Something’s gotta give. Somethings gotta change…and I…”

He got up and headed to his closet as if he’d heard all he needed to and began sorting his dirty clothes into washable piles.

“Usher, I’m still talking…I’m no”

“Sway I think you’ve said enough.” He interrupts. “There’s nothing else to say.”

I watch him carefully place his work clothes in one neat pile on the floor. His body language would have me to believe that our conversation was over and he was fine, but I couldn’t help but see those 3 tears running down his left cheek. He tried to hide them, but I saw them.

I get up and lead him back to the couch.

I sit on his lap, facing him. His face is about 2 inches away from mine. I stare into his tear filled eyes. I know him well enough now to know that his tears and mine mean two very different things. He only tears up when he’s mad or dissapointed. I pretty much cry about everything.

“I’m not leaving you Usher.” I say while cuping his face in my hands.

He tries to look away, but I continued to shift his eyes back to mine.

I’m starting to understand him. Though he doesn’t talk about her much, his ex really did some major damage by walking out on him. He’s not afraid of a lot, but I know that the one thing that scares him the most is being abandoned again.

“Look at me Usher. Look at me. I am NOT leaving you. Okay? But this is gonna be a MAJOR problem in the future. If we’re really gonna make this relationship work, some things MUST change. Otherwise, we’re wasting each other’s time. ”

He seemed to relax just a little bit. His main concern was addressed...and once I cleared the air about that...he was more open to hearing me out.

I didn't know how to make him understand where I was coming from. He thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong in his eyes. He often told me, "Sway, why we need to talk? You my girl, i'm your dude...the only thing we need to talk about is how our day is...or what we gonna do on the weekend. All the hard stuff was solved when we agreed to be together."

In his eyes...the only time we needed to stop and do some serious talking is when we decided to either get married, move in together, or have a child. Other than that, every moment should be simple, lighthearted and fun.

I didn't see it that way. I mean, I wish it WAS that way for me. But it wasn't. I've been struggling with stuff from the beginning. I knew from jump that my spirituality and his lack thereof would soon lead to some major issues for me. It's not a thing for him, but it's everything to me. I have never dated anyone who didn’t do the church thing. I mean, I honestly believe in the whole equally yoked bit. I want my man to be into the same things I’m into. I don’t want to forever be bound to someone who has different values and views than I do. How can I get my praise on if he’s always smoking? How can he blast his rap music in the house if I’m always praying? It can’t happen. And I knew that from day one. Yet I still chose to be with him. At first, because I didn’t have the heart to keep on fighting him away. Now because I actually like him and am genuinely care for him. I expressed my feelings about all of this when we first met but just kept coming around to, “Sway, you haven’t even tried yet. You don’t know if it would work or not. At least give us a chance.”

Against my better judgement, I gave us a chance. I don't regret one moment of our time together, but I must face the reality that always was: if we have any chance at all in making this work, we’ve got a lot of odds against us that we need to come to an understanding about.

We talked and talked...but at the end of the day, I still didn't see things his way. How can we be so different and work?

I got my answer when I met his parents.

Usher is a spitting image of his dad. Not in the physical sense really, but their mannerism, beliefs, crazy sayings… are so close to they seem to be one in the same. Usher IS his daddy. Both talking cold cash about everything. Loud, crazy, free spirited men. I couldn’t believe it!

The first words out of Dad’s mouth when we arrived at their home was…
“Da hell? Neegro u done got biiiig! I know for sure I can whip yo’ azz on the court now. When you wanna get spanked?”

Usher laughed, dapped his daddy like they were homeboys and retorted back with...
“Sh** man, we can do this wheneva. This rock hard body I got will crush your ole azz on the court”.

They continued to call each other out their name and talk cold cash for the remainder of our visit. I was speechless. I've never heard an exchange like this before. Did they really just talked to each other like that? And no love was lost? No one felt disrespected?

"*shrug* That’s how they are." Usher's mom whispered to me after greeting me and seeing my expression.

I had met his mom before. So I knew how she was… but seeing his dad threw me for a loop. How in the heck did these two manage to hook up, marry, and stay together for over 40 years?

Usher’s mom was a sweet, softspoken lady who just rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband after one of his loud rants about nothing and said… “That’s Tom for ya”.

Seeing them interact with each other really blew my mind. They were so different! She was a nice sophisticated woman who’s past times included going to church, caring for her elderly aunt, cooking, and occasionally indulging in a little guilty pleasure with a glass of Chardonnay or Moet. Her husband was a loud, crazy talking man whose religion was golf, gambling, and beer. While she talked to me about Church and her job, he was telling Usher about one of his wild conspiracy theories and updating him on his friend who got drunk at a card game and shot himself in the foot. Yet, he and his wife got along perfectly. It was funny to see them having two totally different conversations, but still rubbing on each other's legs and playing footsie while doing it.

I finally got why Usher insisted that I meet them. They were pretty much us. He wanted me to see what he saw.

She hated golf ... he hated gospel concerts, yet they loved each other dearly. She may be in Atlanta at church on Sunday while he was in Augusta at the golf course, but when they got together that evening, they both enjoyed the dinner and movie they saw.

It opened my eyes a little as to why Usher really thought we could work. His parents had successfully done it for 40+ years. I’ve never seen anything like it. And his parents seemed genuinely happy. It was like, they had their own things they did…and when it was time to get together... they enjoyed every minute of it.

On our way back from their house…I told him that I finally understood what he’s been saying all this time. And thought that it was time for him to meet my parents so maybe he too can undertsand me better as well.

Since then, we’ve been learning more about each other…finding out how I can be me and he can be him and still make US work.

When I want to get my praise on and he doesn't, he goes and washes my car, or plays ball and by the time he comes back, we continue where we left off.
When he wants to smoke, he does it before i come over or we take a stroll outside so that the smoke doesn't in my hair/clothes as much.

If we're in the car together, we listen to something like old school r&b, which both of us enjoy. (or TI - lol)

Surprisingly…it’s been working. I'm happy.

I definitely believe that opposites attract…but in my heart, I still believe that the similarities are what keeps most couples.

I guess we’ll see…

The Sunday Blues

Sunday June 11, 2006
Usher's house

“I joined the church today” I casually informed Usher as I laid snuggled up under him around noon this particular Sunday morning.

“TG’s church?” He questioned while resting one arm on the side of his head and the other on my stomach.

I hate when he calls Free Spirit TG’s church. TG does not own that church!

“Noooo. TG doesn’t have a church. I joined Free Spirit.” I calmly say.

“Whatever, you know what I mean. He goes there.” He says a little agitated.

We both fall silent. He was watching some post-departure Dave Chapelle interview and I laid there looking at the ceiling wondering if he was gonna say anything positive about me finally making a decision about church.
I studied his face after a few minutes had passed. So he’s not gonna say anything…I think to myself. I was a little disappointed. I guess I wanted him to be happy. This is something that I’ve been in turmoil about since the beginning of the year. My joining a church was a major step in the right direction for me. It meant that I was finally getting my life back on track enough to make decisions not completely influenced by my emotions. It meant that I was ready to get back in my normal groove. It meant that I was finally happy with my life and I could now move forward. It was an “exhale” moment for me and I wanted him to be happy with me.

Such was not the case. His uncharacteristically quiet daze at the television let me know that either he did not want to discuss my involvement with “TG’s church” ever again, or that he was REALLY pissed off.

In order to keep us in good spirits, I began talking about something I KNEW he’d like… FOOD.

After a few one word answers. He finally shook off that cold shoulder he was giving me and all was well with our interactions. So I thought.

A few hours later.

Usher: Honey, here’s the remote. You can watch whatever.
Me: What u finna do?
Usher: Take my medicine.
Me: Oh. Aight. *i know what that means... smoke time*

He leaves the room while I flip the channels. A gospel program is on and I get sucked into it. He comes in the room and sits on the bed with his back towards me. After a few seconds he turns around and gives me this mean look. Initially I’m thinking, “why is he looking at me like that”. Then it dawned on me… He’s smoking…and I’m blasting some Gospel. Conflict. So I change the channel and try to find something else to watch. Unconsciously I start humming the song that I had just finished listening to as I flip the channels.

Usher: Well damn, u should have just left it on the station you were on if you gonna do that sh**!
Me: Soooooryyyyy!
Usher: I mean damn don’t u see me trying to handle mine over here. I don’t wanna hear that. Da hell wrong with you… yada yada yada.. *getting more pissed off by the moment over something that shouldn’t have been that deep.*
Me: aight Usher. I said sorry.
Usher: *still trying to start something* Blah Blah Blah

So I get up and leave the room. I tell him that I’m going for a walk. I don’t know why I let him get to me but I do. That was the third time so far since I been at his house that he has went off on me. I mean dude was snapping at me left and right and I didn't even argue with him as much as I normally would just to keep peace.

This wasn’t working for me. I mean, all that excitement and happiness I felt that morning about getting back into church and seeing my life fall into place was almost totally undone. He managed to zap every bit of positive energy I had earlier.

“it’s not him Sway, it’s the enemy” I kept telling myself.

But it didn’t help me.

After about a good 10 minutes, Usher came looking for me.

“Why you out here in this heat Sway. Come inside”

“I’m thinking” I sighed as I wiped beads of sweat off my face.

My open car door steadily beeped as he looked at me. I didn't want to look at him just yet. I was still upset and I knew if we caught eye contact, it would start another conversation/fight that I didn't want.

“You coming in?” He asked.

I paused. Lord KNOWS I felt like I was about to die in that heat.

“Yeah, in a minute” I managed to get out.

I figured that would make him leave, and I could come in later. I had to prepare myself for the talk we were about to have.

He leaned against my car, crossed his arms and legs, and proceded to stand there with this “well I guess I’ll wait” look on his face.

I gave up within the minute and stepped out the car. Hand in hand, we silently walked back up to his place.

He turned off the tv and sat on the bedroom couch in front of me.

“So… you wanna tell me what all this is about Sway?” He said.

“What it’s about? Usher you KNOW what this is about.” I steamed.

“Look Usher…” I sighed “This isn’t working…”

A little sun and a little rain...

makes for one craaaaaazy relationship. lol

April was a rocky transition for me. Although nothing really changed with our interactions, my awareness that Usher and I were officially together caused me to act a little different. I found myself arguing with him more. In my mind, our "officialness" changed things. And now that things have "changed", we needed more communication, we needed more boundaries and guidelines… we needed to “talk”.
Like a typical guy, Usher did NOT like the “talks”. He’s a “let it flow” type of guy. He always started our convo with "what's wrong in your crazy brain NOW Sway?" lol

I’d ask him something about us and it would lead to a full fledge disagreement on how things are and/or should be. I’d always end the convo on some, “we are SOOOO different” tip. He'd always look at me, waiting to see if my next words would be, “So maybe we should just be friends”.

They never were. When I’m in something… I’m in it.

At least that’s one thing we're similar on.

I’ll admit, I was driving poor Usher insane. One day I’m crying, the next I’m yelling, the next I’m bugging him about solving some “what if” situation that may not even happen. I was a mess. How does one go from being marriage minded…to just… letting it flow? I tried to find my balance…living in the moment, and being careful for the future.

I was scared out of my mind about falling for Usher. I’d known from day one that we were very different. I was also afraid of really liking him and getting comfortable with the idea of us, because I felt that then would be the very moment when he’d decide to be like the rest of the track stars I’ve dated and run away. So I guess for a while, I unconsciously tried to sabotage our relationship. Testing it, testing him…seeing if he’d leave. Seeing if this was all a game of “see how long it takes to chase Sway down and make her fall for you”. So far, he hasn’t budged. He often looks at me like I’m crazy, but he’s still around.

Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell very many people about us. TG screwed me up so bad that I didn’t want anyone to know about Usher and I just in case it didn’t work out. I was tired of getting my hopes up. I was tired of feeling humiliated as I have to explain why the man I was with decided to be with someone else. So I hid our relationship.

“Oh, Usher? We’re just kicking it” I’d hear myself tell anyone who realized that I’d been spending a noticeable amount of time with some mystery man. He and I were in one world, and everyone else and I were in another. I separated him from the rest of me, hoping that if we ever parted ways, I could just cut that piece of my life off without it affecting anything else.

He noticed.

Tuesday April 25
4pm

Me: Hey baby.
Usher: Heeeeeey Honey. U sound funny? Your gramma okay?
Me: Naw. She um… she died about 20 minutes ago. We just got through viewing her body. *voice cracking*
Usher: U okay, you want me to come to the hospital.
Me: oh..um.. that’s okay. I’ll be okay. Uh…I’ll uh… call you later.


Friday May 12th
9:30pm

Me: Hey baby. Just thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
Usher: Well why we gotta wait until tomorrow? I know where the bowling alley is. Why don’t I just meet ya’ll up there?
Me: *whining like I’m 12* Cuuuuuuz… I’m with my friiiiiiiiiiends.
Usher: So. You act like I can’t meet your friends.
Me: Noooo, now you know it’s not like that. I just figured you wouldn’t be too comfortable around them. They aren’t like your friends.
Usher: What you mean by that?
Me: Nothing. Come on if you want.
Usher: Naw. It’s aight. I’ll see you tomorrow. You don’t wanna mess with a nukka tonight.

May 14th
Mother’s Day

Usher: Hey Hooooney!
Me: Hey baby!
Usher: Tell your mom I said Happy Mother’s Day…even though she don’t know me.
Me: *laughing* Whatever, she knows you.
Usher: Does she know I’m yo’ boyfriend?
Me: uh.,…well…
Usher: exactly.

*uncomfortable silence*

Usher: well listen Honey, change of plans. My mom is back from Augusta already so I’m thinking of going to my sister’s boyfriend's house and meeting my mom there for dinner. You wanna come? She wanna meet you?

Me: Fo' real? Uh, wow. Meet your mom? U sure about that? *eye brows raised*
Usher: Yeah. If we gonna be together, she might as well meet you.
Me: *feeling guilty* Yeah. Um…alright.


I felt SOOOO wrong for not letting him into the rest of my life. Here I was meeting his mom, I had already met his sister, a host of his friends AND I had half of their numbers in my phone. Usher doesn’t even know where I live. He’s never met my family, any of my friends. And the only number he has that isn’t mine is my co-worker’s…because he worked there too once. It was very obvious that something was wrong. Thing is… I REALLY wasn’t consciously trying to keep him out. It wasn’t until he brought it to my attention that I realized all of these events.

And of course…the fact that TG still didn’t know about Usher and I was a MAJOR problem.

Don’t get me wrong, I hinted to TG that I was with someone. But I could never just come out and say, Usher is my boyfriend... we’re dating, we’re exclusive...we together.

Usher of course thought it was because I still had feelings for TG. He was so convinced that even I had to go back and question myself. Why couldn’t I tell TG? When I finally figured it out, I was very surprised and disgusted with myself.

I’ve always prided myself on being one of those “forgive and let it go” kinda people. I’ve been done dirty many many times before, and I had never gotten any “get back”. I usually just let it go…and go on with my life. After all, that’s the Christian thing to do right?

Well this time, I didn’t want to let it go. I think I actually wanted TG to feel a part of what I felt. I wanted him to think that he had a chance with me. I wanted him to think that when he moved back up here in a few months, that everything would be the way it was. I wanted him to think that I still wanted him, so when he finally moved here, and really tried to plan for our life together, when he was finally all the way in as I was last year, then I could BLAST him with the “I can’t marry you after all you did to me” and yada yada yada… just do him real wrong.

I know, I know. I'm wrong for that. But that’s what I wanted. Yeah I know that revenge is not the answer, but I still wanted it. I still felt like it would make me feel better. I wanted to see him hurt. But my revenge tactic was interfering with my current relationship and that wasn't cool. Usher wanted me to end it all. Completely. No more contact. Let go of this crazy revenge plan. So I did. I let it go.
All was well with us. My feelings became deeper. His did too.
Our unlikely relationship really was working. Those frustrating arguments we used to have became less frequent, and everyday we were learning more and more about each other.

It's the beginning of June and the sun is shining brightly on us. I had no idea that I was about to put a damper on all of this.


Next blog: The Sunday Blues

April Showers bring May Flowers

Usher and I saw each other a lot during the week. Since he lives so far away from me, it’s much easier for me to leave work and mosey on over to his crib than to come on the weekends from home. Seeing him during the weekday evenings had its benefits. I saved on gas, got out of rush hour traffic, and he’s a GREAT cook. I’d often come over and he’d have dinner already prepared. I loved it. But there were also ramifications to being together during those times. I get most my calls during the weekday evenings. Since I’d been kicking it with Usher, I had been sending lots of calls to voicemail, or just plain not answering. I figured that I’d just chat with them once I left his place. Unfortunately, when I left for home, I never felt like chatting it up with anyone.
I was always honest with Usher about everything. He knew how I felt about TG. He knew how TG felt about me. He knew about our dinner, the proposal, and my reaction. I guess I can’t blame him for not liking TG. lol. I found it humorous when we’d be together and TG would call. Usher’s face would automatically change, and while masking his insecurities he’d sarcastically say, “your boyfriend’s calling, you might wanna get that”. I’d roll my eyes at him and we’d continue to do whatever it is we were doing. Thing was… TG kept calling….and calling…and calling. I knew it bothered Usher. TG had his own ringtone and everytime his song came on, Usher's face would turn something ugly. So I began putting my phone on silent. A few weeks go by and I’ve been really good about remembering to silence my phone. I didn’t feel like hearing Usher’s mouth about why “dis nigga keep calling”. But of course I forgot one day, and Fantasia starts belting out her notes. It felt like something out of a movie.

We were sitting on the couch in the living room after a wonderful meal of ramen noodles and Doritos. lol And we were lost in our own thoughts while watching the beautiful sunset, when “if you don’t want me then don’t talk to meeeee” consumes our ears from the bedroom. I quickly glance at him only to find my gaze met by his. As if in slow motion, we both looked towards the room and made a dash towards the bedroom. I'm pushing him and he's pushing back, both of us trying to be first to the phone.

I had so many things running through my mind. He was REALLY about to answer my phone! He must be very agitated by TG’s calls now. What does this neegro think he’s gonna say to TG? How will TG react to hearing a dude’s voice on the other end? He doesn’t even know about Usher. Why do I even CARE how TG reacts? I can’t believe we’re actually running for MY phone!

He leaps from the hallway superman style, flies through the door frame and lands on the bed with a big flop. The phone is literally a hair out of his grasp. I closely behind him, land on his back and proceed to beat him to the phone by grasping my hand across his eyes and forehead and pulling them back towards me so that I could roll over him and retrieve my phone.

“Usher… stoooooooop!” I yelled with no success.

“Naw, uh uh. I’m tired of this bi*** azz nigga calling you while you with me. He needs to know that his conversation is no longer welcomed. You done right?” he calmly retorts back while literally picking me up with one hand and putting me down on the bedroom couch and holding the phone in his other hand.

“Yeah I’m done with him” I unconvincingly say. We caught eye contact and as I caught my breath, I defeatedly looked at him flip my phone open and say “hello?”

Before I knew it, I jumped up and took my phone from him and snapped it closed. HARD.

He stared at me.

I stared back.

“I can’t believe you still love him after all that sh** he did to you.”

“Well I can’t believe you just answered my damn phone!” I yelled. “Do you see me invading your privacy? Do you see me going through yo’ stuff? Huh? let me handle this MY WAY!”

“You’ve been handling this your way for months now Sway. Sh** ain’t working. Handle that nigga or I will.”

“What u mean you’ll handle him? You ain’t my dude Usher! And don’t tell me what to do!”

“I ain’t yo’ dude. I ain’t you dude? Da f***? You kidding me ? Think about it Sway! You at my house damn near erryday. U know all my friends. You the only woman I’m messing with! I’m the only dude YOU messin with. We go out without question EVERY WEEKEND. We talk on the phone EVERYDAY. What the hell u think is going on? If I ain’t yo dude, then who am I and what da hell we doin?”

*crickets*

He was right.

Here it is the beginning of April and for the last 2 months, I’ve been kickin it with him and only him. And not ONCE did I realize that this neegro really IS my dude, whether I admitted it or not. My words and my actions told two very different tales. I might have said, and really thought with all my heart, that I wasn’t feeling ole dude like that, but reality was…we were a couple. I just didn’t know it.

I just stared at him. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what I got myself into. “I’m not READY for a relationship” I think to myself.

“I told you Usher, I’m not READY for this. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m just... *sigh* I'm just not.”

He looked at me for a long time as I sat there on his couch looking like I just found out my dog died.

“Sway, I’m not forcing you to be with me. I’m not forcing you to spend time with me. I’m not forcing you to have a relationship with me. If you’re not ready for what we’ve ALREADY been doing for the last two months then fine. I just… I just don’t understand you. You say you’re not ready, but everything we do says that you are ready. I’m not asking you to marry me, or move in, or anything like that. We’re just… with each other. All we doing is… taking it day by day. What’s so hard about that? Why do you need to be ‘ready’ for that?”

I didn’t respond. I needed time to think. My head was hurting. I really had no idea that I had become his girlfriend without even knowing it. I was at the point where I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, yet I didn’t want to walk away either.

I was scared. TG had hurt me so deeply that I was afraid to date anyone else. I was afraid that as soon as I let my guard down, Usher would hurt me. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of being used. I was afraid to try again.

*sigh* “You know what? It seems like we always argue about this. Just forget it okay. Let’s just forget it. If you wanna just be friends, we’ll just be friends. When you decide you want more, let me know. I’ll be ready and waiting.”

I looked at this man sitting in front of me, with tears in his eyes and realized that he had the same fears as I did. He was just as fragile as I was. But he was willing to try. He was willing to take it day by day praying each day that it wouldn’t be the last time we’d enjoy each other’s company. He was willing to wait for me to feel better about us.

I said okay and decided that now would be a good time to head home. I had a lot of thinking to do. I knew Usher was right about everything. But I needed to sort out some other things… like, why I couldn’t bring myself to tell TG about Usher.

A week or so later.
April 10th
2am

Me: Yeah that really was funny. *laughing*
Usher: Yeah. *his phone clicks* Hold on.
Me: yup. *thinking, who's calling him so late..*
Usher: I’m back. My fault.
Me: Who was that?
Usher: Ike. He done locked his real dumb azz out again. *getting up to unlock the front door.*
Me: Oh…
Usher: And why u all in my biznass girl! *jokingly fussing at me* You starting to act like my girlfriend now.
Me: Cuz your business IS my business. *jokingly fussing back* And I AM your girlfriend boy!
Usher: Oh yeah? Since when...neegro?
Me: since right now! U got a problem with that?
Usher: *laughing* Hell naw. 'Bout time you got with this. Hold on...lemme go get a pen to write this date and time down. Making a n**ga work all hard and sh**. Got me blushin over here...

And with that… Usher officially became my new beau.

Next blog: Usher and I today.

Past, meet Present

Usher is quite a character. One of those "jack of all trades" kinda guys… except I can’t say that he’s a master of none. He’s actually VERYgood at a LOT of things. It didn’t take him long to find another job. His hustle is strong. I admired that. I decided to give him the second date he'd been asking for before he started working long hours at his new gig. Back then, my weekends were really full. I was teaching etiquette classes, attending real estate seminars, at dance and choir rehearsals…and etc. So I ended up taking a full Monday off to hang with him and see what he had planned. I wasn’t expecting much. A little chat maybe, lots of arguing…and of course, I expected to be disgustingly delighted by our exchange. As usual, I’m wrong. I underestimated Usher’s charm.
We went out for brunch at IHOP close to his place. We talked about our “ex’s”, schooling, life events and whatever else we thought was important over pancakes, scrambled eggs, country fried steak and grits. His story was amazing. Usher seemed to be on his 4th life now, and he’s only 30. I informed him more thoroughly about my situation with TG. Over the course of our convo’s I’ve given him bits and pieces of the story, but I figured I’d go ahead and let him know it all. He listened to it all, face meticulously presented to show no emotion. When I finished, he expressed his distaste in what TG did and promised that if he ever got a chance with me, he’d never do that to me. He quickly changed the subject to a lighter note as we left for the park. It’s March and the crisp breeze made for a wonderful outing. For the first time since we met, I actually wanted us to spend more time together. I noticed that he always opened the car door…well all doors for me, he held my hand EVERYWHERE we went, and he was always bought me something to commemorate our dates. I liked him… kinda. He made me smile. And THAT had been hard to do since TG left. Many had tried…but my heart was stone, my time was precious, my tongue was sharp. Usher saw through that, and though I kept my guard up with him, when he wasn’t looking, I secretly let it down to peep at what was going on.

There were many more dates. I found myself enjoying our time together. The thing I liked about him is his spontaneity. I never knew what we were gonna do when we got together, but by the end of the day (or night), we learned something new about each other, did something we’ve never done together, and got something for keepsake to remember our good time with. In one month, in addition to the usual dinners and movies, we’d been to a concert where he took me backstage to meet Mint Condition, hit up a few bbq’s and house parties, went to the circus, played pool, had a picnic, and our favorite past time: spent the day at Dave and Busters. We actually did this a FEW times that month. lol They have this “jeopardy” game where about 6 people compete against each other by getting the most answers correct in the shortest amount of time.(just like the show). I was surprised at how much he knew in the different categories… I saw a new side of him. Beyond all the big talk, conceited air, curse words, and “ey shawty’s” was a really enlightened individual. I was impressed.

I couldn’t keep my hard façade up too much longer. He began seeing that I liked him. With every gaze, we added an extra second of eye contact. With every hand hold, my grip became unintentionally tighter. I liked him. But I still didn’t wanna date him. It was still too soon. It had only been 3 months since… well you know who. And though I had closed that chapter, I wasn’t ready to open another. Well I thought I had closed the chapter.

I told you guys about TG’s random return in March. (read here and/or here) Well, this was right around the time that Usher and I had been having all of this wonderful fun together. I had almost forgotten about all the happenings from Dec/Jan with TG, but as soon as I saw his name on that text, and heard his voice for the first time in months, floods of emotions resurfaced. Some I didn’t even realize were still there. I hated him! I loved him. I hated him for making me love him. I loved him for who I thought he was. I hated him for who he really was. I wanted him back. I couldn’t take him back. I was a ball of emotions. Confused, hurt, excited, curious, and angry all at the same time. I told Usher about TG and our conversations. I also told him that I had decided to go to dinner with TG because I was curious as to what he had to say and because I needed to get all the things off my chest I had been holding in since New Years. I needed that closure.

Usher did NOT understand. He tried to hold his tongue and be understanding, but it just didn’t happen. Questions were flying left and right about my curiosity, followed closely behind by heartfelt disdain for all that is TG. He wasn’t afraid to strongly voice his opinions about what TG did to me and got he hotter by the moment just talking about it.

For the first time, Usher showed me his true emotions concerning his nervousness about losing me to TG. I told him, and everyone else who thought I was going back that I was done. But I had to admit to him, I still was very much in love with TG. I couldn't lie to him. Unfortunately that didn't help him with his insecurities.

Every time Usher and I went out after the dinner with TG, I could see the fear in his eyes. Now that TG and I were back in contact with one another, I could always up and end this friendship he worked so hard to build any day now.

To be honest, even I didn’t know what I was going to do just yet. All I knew is that I loved TG, but I enjoyed spending time with Usher. Nothing more. So, I just asked God to direct me and I continued on.

After a few weeks of me still hanging with Usher, he began to relax a tad. The fear slowly began to leave his eyes and that charming smile I was use to started to reappear, until one day TG called and Usher answered the phone.

Next blog: April Showers bring May Flowers: The rocky transitions.

Workplace Drama

I’ve never been good at saying no. I’ve heard the “you’re too nice” line so much, it should be my middle name.
So it’s no surprise that after my first date with Usher, his confidence and interest in me became stronger. I mean after all, I DID give him a date…so in his eyes, I MUST be feeling him on some level right? *shrug*
He made it his business to frequent my desk during the day, and I made it mu business to try and act busy so he’d leave. He never got the hint. He’d come up with a new topic for us to discuss everyday. I must admit, brutha can spit some knowledge. He knew a little something about everything. Without even realizing it, I started to look forward to our conversations. That was…until the conversation turned from some general topic to “So, why you don’t wanna date a brutha?” Ugh! He HAD to mess up a perfectly good time with that mess.

Our leo traits kept us at odds with each other. We never agreed on anything. If he thought it was blue, I thought it was purple. If he liked coffee, I couldn’t stand it. Everyday we’d go at it until one of us got frustrated. I’m not sure why I enjoyed it. I guess it was refreshing to interact with someone who isn't trying to like what I like in order to spit that “we have so much in common” noise in my ear.

A few weeks had passed and I didn’t even realize how comfortable I had become with us seeing each other and talking everyday day. We began coordinating our schedules to maximize our talk/debate time and soon it was noticeable to everyone around us that something was up with us. I didn’t see it then, but he did. And everyone else did too.

Usher is a nice looking guy. I won’t take that away from him. So needless to say, Usher had his fan base. Anytime a new black single err…scratch that…a new black man is hired, you better believe every single black heterosexual woman is up ON it. I heard the women in the bathroom back in Septemeber talking about the new security guard and how fine he was. I saw how people who never even knew we had security was all of a sudden making visits to the front desk to “check out” the new guy.

Quite naturally when they began seeing us together, speculation occurred. Inquiring minds wanted to know what was up. Eye gazes fell on us a little longer than usual. Women who didn't usually talk to me would stop by my desk, convienently at the time Usher was there to ask me can they borrow my stapler... *eye roll* It was deep. I didn't pay it too much mind until this incident with Candy happened.

Candy: Hey Uuuuusher! *opening her arms for a hug*
Usher: Hey Miss Lady what’s going on. *dodging hug with a half hug/shake*
Candy: U heading to lunch?
Usher: Yeah, going with my friend. *pointing behind her, towards me*
Candy: *startled, cuz she didn’t see me there* Oh. *frowning momentarily, then quickly regaining her flirty composure* Well, I’ll see you later. You working til 9?
Usher: Yeah. *walking towards me*
Candy: Okay. Uh…see ya.
Usher: yup.

Me: Hmmm... Looks like you already got someone to kick it with. What u chasin me for? lol

Usher: Man whatever. She been trying to get me to take her out since I started working here. I went out with her once, we chilled, smoked, and she was cool, but that was that. From time to time, we still smoke together but that’s it. To be honest with you, Sway. I like to be the chaser. Yeah it’s flattering. I ain’t gone lie… she fine. But if I wanted her, I’d have holla’d at her, not the other way around. Smell me?

Me: yeah, yeah, yeah whateva. i like the way you dodged that hug though. lol. You didn’t have to do that on my account. We ain’t dating. (I had to say that at least twice a day to remind him)

Usher: Naw it’s not that. It's like, I only pursue one person at a time when I’m interested in someone, no one else gets any play. She was cool to hang with when I got here…but since I met u, no one else gets my attention. Whether we're *mimicking me* “dating or not”.


Later that day. (so I’m told)

Candy: Hey Usher.
Usher: Hey
Candy: So is that the girl everyone talking about u dating?
Usher: I didn’t know everyone was talking. When did I get so important. *poppin collar*
Candy: U didn’t answer my question, what’s up with you and ole girl?
Usher: Nothing yet. We just kicking it.
Candy: oh. So that IS her huh? She so quiet. I can’t believe ya’ll talking
Usher: We not talking yet. We…
Candy: Yet? So you trying to talk to her?
Usher: Hell yeah! She’s a real nice girl. Why you in my business anyway guul? lol
Candy: *sigh* Whatever, so we smoking friday or what?
Usher: Naw. Can’t do that no mo’. Might wanna find you a new smoke partner.
Candy: U for real? Ya’ll ain’t even dating!
Usher: Yup. Gotta get back to work.
Candy: *storms off*

A few days later.

Usher: Hey Sway…
Me: Hey! *hearing the anger in his voice* What’s wrong?
Usher: You won’t believe this bull****! I just got suspended from work!
Me: Huh? What u mean suspended?
Usher: Theses mutha******* suspended me on some bull****! You know Candy on the 3rd floor? Well her lying azz just told my boss that I sexually harassed her. SEXUALLY HARRASSED her! Can u believe that? Talkin ‘bout I told her she looked nice today and it offended her. So now they are suspending me without pay to “investigate” the matter. This is some bull. I ain’t said s*** to her! You can ask Laura… since the first day I began working here, Candy been flirting with me. Hasn’t she? *hearing Laura in the background, "Yuuup."* And now she see me kicking it with you all the time she gone start some mess. It’s aight though. I’mma say something to her. She dead azz wrong for that.
Me: Dang, I'm sorry to hear that. *crickets* I’m thinking… sexual harassment. Daaaaaaaaang. That’s as helluva charge. I didn’t really know what else to say.
Usher: It’s all good though. Truth will come out. Bet that!

Two weeks go by and Usher and I communicate only through phone. I kinda miss him being here. He's asked me to come over to his crib, but i refused. Just cuz i miss our convo does NOT mean i'm trying to be at his crib like that. *rolling eyes at him* The Friday before the 3rd week of suspension, he calls me saying that Candy retracted her statement by stating that she was mearly trying to inform Usher's boss that he is sometimes “flirty” with staff, but he never harassed her and she didn’t want to press charges, or get him fired or anything. She just saw how he interacted with the “STAFF HERE” (ie. Me) and figured that he was not as professional as he should be.
His boss of course told him to be at work Monday morning and that was that.

Usher was HOT. He had missed 2 weeks worth of funds for this bull. And no one even offered him an apology for it. Nothing. So he came back, made a big scene and got his behind FIRED. lol *lawd lawd lawd...smh*

I knew it was coming though. Usher is a hothead. His temper can consume anyone within 50 feet at a moments notice. So when he told me about everything that happened and how he was coming back on Monday to “say his peace”… I knew that it would be his last day here.
He did too. He already started looking for another job after the first week of suspension. lol

Things actually became more interesting between us once we stopped working together. If I was gonna see him, I'd have to do it outside of work now. *shrug*

And I made a mental note to myself after that whole episode: Don’t get on Usher’s bad side.

He was intense... and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Next blog- Past vs. Present

Introducing: Usher

I’ve really been holding out on you guys. Not intentionally. Well…maybe a little bit. But I never really figured that my omission of one small person would actually be significant in my blog updates/stories/daily happenings.

*READ HERE ABOUT SECURITY GUARD*

What can I say, he kinda snuck up on me. If you would have told me in February that I’d actually like and want to spend my free time with the likes of him I would have probably laughed in your face. HARD.

It’s always been like that with me for the most part. The guys that I took one look at and was like, “he GOTTA be mine”, I end up getting to know and then realize how much I’m not feeling him. And the guys that I take one look at and be like “Something about him annoys me”, are the very ones that I end up getting closer to and really being cool with. Such is the case now.

I’m trying to figure out where to start… I guess the beginning won't hurt huh?

I should first start by changing his name from security guard to Usher, since he no longer works as a security guard here…and since as much as I despise Usher, the security guard actually favors him…A LOT. They got the same big ole head, same hair cut, same nose. Everything. Although security guard is taller than Usher and without the 6pack. lol It’s amazing how I can not be attracted to usher AT.ALL. But really dig the security guard. I guess personality really does change a person’s appearance for me.

Anywho…the security guard will now be referred to as Usher.

As I told you guys before, he and I used to flirt a lot when I dropped off my radio at the front desk each afternoon. I never planned to look into it anymore than it was… office eye candy. But soon he started coming to my desk 2-3 times a day, and calling me on my office phone. Ugh! I hated that. I though he was trying too hard. I had already told him that I wasn’t interested in anything but friendship. I was fresh out of a bad breakup and I was in no mood entertain the idea of starting something new. But Usher was persistent. He practically begged me for a date. I don’t wanna make it seem like he was a punk cuz he was real cool about it, but the brutha was NOT taking no for an answer. I finally gave in and we set our first date for the 3rd saturday in February. He told me that he got off work at 3 and asked if I minded picking him up since he was currently car-less.

Carless? Um… hmmm. I might be wrong, but I’ve never dated someone with out a car. Or a phone. Oh yeah…didn’t I mention that? If you read that last post about him, he actually didn’t have a phone # to give to me. *smh* I was liking him less and less. It’s probably shallow huh? I’m supposed to look inside at who he is and not what he has right? um…no. Been there…done that. The older I get, the more I realize that I date to find a life partner, and it’s gonna take more than a good personality for us to get through life comfortably. Anywho, I digress. I told him okay since I had already agreed to go and that was that.

I picked him up at work one Saturday afternoon and we went to chili’s for what I call a “lunch and learn”. I was still NOT feeling him. He was cool, but something about him just irked me. I guess I was used to how TG and I interacted and Usher was soooooo different. I didn’t like it. I wasn’t ready to date. In fact, the more I sat there, the more I realized how much I wasn’t ready for this. After lunch I asked him where he would like to be dropped off. I don’t think he liked that too tough. lol He thought we were spending the entire day together. I was tired of him though. So we sat in the car for 5 minutes as he pleaded with me to go to underground with him for a little while, and then I could leave. I sighed and said okay.

Weird as it sounds, once we got there, I actually had fun with him. He bought us these key chains with our respective birthdates/sign on them. It was small, but I’m sentimental like that… I still have the “Jane” key chain my high school boyfriend bought me. (we used to joke about how our names were so different that we’d never find anything with our name on it. So we “changed” our name to Jim and Jane and bought key chains, necklaces, cards and etc…with our new names. I know…cheesy. lol)

I dunno. Something about Usher irked me, yet something about him made me smile when he wasn’t looking.

As we walked through underground, he began thanking me for allowing him to spend time with me. He began to explain his current situation and how he was recently divorced and moved from Kentucky to Atlanta two weeks prior to starting at ACS. He began to explain to me how he knows how it must look for a 30yr. old to not have a car, phone, etc… but he assured me that though he’s having to rebuild everything he worked so hard for in Kentucky, it won’t be long before he’ll be able to be a suitable enough date for me.

I smiled as I thought to myself… “I always get the men with the sob stories”. I felt mean for thinking that. I mean, it’s not all his fault he’s finding himself starting over at 30. Divorce can do that to you. But at the same time, this seems to be the story of my dating life. *shrug*

Well I wasn’t trying to date him anyways, so I smiled and softened a little bit though. At least I know WHY he was without, and that this was just a temporary state, not a place he’s been for 2-3 years. So we talked more and I left.

I still didn’t like him too tough, but at least it wasn’t as horrible as I thought.

The following Monday after lunch, I find a red heartshaped balloon tied to my chair. The note attached to it read:

Dearest Sway,
Thanks for a wonderful Saturday. Hopefully I’ll be the one to make you finally Exhale.
678-***-****
Officer Usher


“So he has a new phone.” I thought. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll give him a call one day. *shrug*



Next blog- The showdown: Why dating a co-worker could lead to some drama…