For someone that lives in the Church the way I do, you'd think that I'd know that there's power in words. The Christian faith is built on the premises that the entire earth was made by God through spoken WORDS. That's powerful.
Even with us, how many times have you heard someone say "You just talked them up!" Or how many times do we as african americans get mad because of someone saying the "n-word"?
Words are powerful.
It's like... sometimes when I want to vent, I throw things out there and then when they happen, I'm totally taken back.
I wrote a post the morning of March 8th about what happened the night before concerning my temper tantrum. One part read as follows:
“I yelled until I made myself hoarse. I cried until I choked, coughed and almost threw up. I kicked, punched the bed, and threw pillows until I was too exhausted to move. I collapsed on the bed in a big puddle of tears. I was tired, my face was puffy, my eyes were red…I had a bruise on my leg and I had no idea how I just hurt it. I laid there and allowed myself to find its normal state of peace again. I hoped that my words resonated through the air and down to Columbus. I hoped as he laid by her, his eyes popped open and my voice filled his head. I hoped that at least one second of his day was filled with remorse on how he did me and Baby. I knew that my hopes were probably unrequited.”
Well that same night after writing that (which is the night after I had the tantrum), TG called. Now mind you... TG and I no longer speak. AT ALL. I hadn't heard from him in over a month...and "coincidentally" he calls.
He said he wanted to see if everything was okay with me. I said i was fine and was very short with him. I guessed he picked up on my attitude and began explaining the reason for his text that morning. He claims he had gotten this strong vibe from me the night before. He said that he often thought of me. Especially when he and the kids were doing something we all used to do together. But this particular night, nothing triggered it. He he was reading something around 8, when all of a sudden my face flashed in his head and he couldn’t get rid of it. He tried to shrug it off but he said as the night went on, he just kept feeling this pull from me and it got worse and worse all through the night until made up in his mind that he'd text and call me the next day, and he said it went away then. He said he couldn’t explain it, it was almost the same type of pull that he felt the first time he saw me. So of course he was confused about why he was feeling that way.
As I listened to him, I felt a slight bit of satisfaction and weirdness arise. I mean, some of my questions were answered concerning some things, and that of course allowed me to feel like I was finally getting some closure. But I was completely weirded out that the very next night after I put all of those things, questions, and feelings out there, he calls me and answers/ address each one of them without even knowing. It was amazing. I thanked God because, even though I have been slowly moving on, a part of me was always revisiting the relationship trying to figure out what REALLY happened. I felt like those parents whose child has been missing for years and they just want to know what REALLY happened.
TG began explaining his side of what happened starting back to the beginning of December. The only time I even talked during that hour was to say “yeah I remember that” when he asked me something. What he said made MUCH more sense than anything I’ve been trying to think of. And I finally understood why he did and said somet hings to others that completely contradicted what he had said to me. He said there was more that he needed to tell me, but wanted to do it in person. I was cool with what was already said. I mean, after all, this is what I had been waiting for right? An answer. Understanding. For him to feel remorse. For him to convince me that I wasn’t the only one head over heels and thinking that we were soulmates. For him to tell me that he never stopped loving me and he’ll always continue to. I mean, this IS what I was hoping for.
Well that night it happened. He told me everything I wanted to know, everything I wanted to hear. Everything I thought would make me feel better. But that night after we hung up and felt that initial relief of understanding. I realized that I had MORE questions. I also realized that even after all he had said, I still don’t trust him, I still don’t know if it’s true, and I’m still angry with him.
Since that night, he began calling me everyday. Sometimes I’d answer. Sometimes I didn’t. My friends all thought I was crazy for even considering talking to him again. I mean, they were upset when I told them that I answer his calls sometimes. I guess because they know how MUCH I love him and they think if I talk with him, he’s gonna smoothtalk his way back into being my boyfriend. And no good friend wants to see their friend look stupid, get played, get hurt, etc… So I understand. But at the same time, I’m not two. I can handle myself.
I can’t hate people for long, I can’t hold grudges forever. I squash things and keep it moving. Yes I learn, but I don’t hold on to wrong doings like that. My talking to you does not mean I’m gonna marry you. Smell me?
So anyways, sometimes he calls so babygirl can talk to me, since he claims she still asks about me all the time. And sometimes he calls just to say that he’s thinking of me. I know what he’s doing. I’m not stupid. He’s testing the waters before he tries to jump all the way in. He wanna see if I’m open to getting back with him before he asks me to get back with him. Which is fine, but the way he’s going about it is really messed up. Trying to use the kids and God to play on my emotions instead of coming out and saying that he’s a screw up and he’s sorry. So all I’ll say about his tactic of testing is that the water may seem just right to his foot, but when he finally dive in he’ll find that the water is very cold.
I figured that the dinner I talked about in my last post was gonna be the night he tried to get back with me since I could imagine what else he wanted to "tell me face to face". I figured he’d say something that will allow me to just BLAST him with how I felt and let me get all this stuff off my chest…and that would be the end for us. He’d know that I wasn’t just talking out the side of my neck when I told him that after we broke up, I would NOT take him back unless God himself comes and tells me that I had to.
But as stated in the last post, things didn’t go as planned. After the whole ring thing. I no longer had the desire to be mean. It’s true, I HATE HATE HATE the way he went about our breakup and I HATE HATE HATE the way he tried to come back, but on the same note, he dropped a little change on the ring. And the fact that he didn’t really say anything that I can just go off on made it a little harder for me to start snapping. He claimed that although he got the ring now, (because he knows what God told him and what the future holds for us *blink,blink*), he isn’t trying to rush us into anything. He claims that he wants me to continue to seek God and let Him show me what’s up and that he(TG) would just be my friend until I wanted something more or until I told him to leave me alone. He figures that since God said we'd be together, He'll put us together when it's time. Which according to him is whenever God puts it back in my heart to be with him. Can't argue with that. But um... I just don't feel like we'll be getting back together. *shrug*
I’m in a real weird weird state with all this new info and with him "kinda" coming back. It’s like, I love TG with all my heart. And I love those children even more. And I guess that’s why I still want us to be friends. I still want to see them. I still want to go to “our” church and work in the ministry there. I still want all of that.
But as much as love him. I really really REALLY don’t want to get back with him. And I’ve never been here before. To love someone and wish that things were the way they were…but knowing things have changed even when someone tries to put it back like that, and not being able to get over that fact (confused yet?).
I wouldn’t be happy with him anymore. Knowing what he did. Knowing how my family and friends view him. Knowing how I felt when we broke up. Knowing about baby.
I know too much now.
I feel too much now.
This experience changed me.
And I don’t wanna be with him even though I do. *smh*
It’s like… getting what you wanted, but at the expense of losing something you needed. I could have the family I want with him, but I lost the main factor that made me want that family: trust.
It’s weird being in love with someone and wanting to be with someone who claims to love you and want to be with you, but you can’t be with them.
It’s weird feeling like you found your soulmate, but won’t ever marry them, even though you have the option to.
It’s like…. I can’t go back. My heart wants to. Even part of my mind (mainly the parts that have the "my biological clock/ men shortage/you’re in the ATL" thoughts) wants to go back to him cuz I know it would work with us if we tried again. But I can’t. My pride won’t let me. My conscious won’t let me. My pain won’t let me. My sense won’t let me. My experience won’t let me. I won't let me.
So here I am. Not able to see my self with anyone else because of him, but not able to see myself with him either.
Not wanting to be with him. And not wanting him out of my life.
Not wanting to be stupid for going back to what I had, and not wanting to turn down the opportunity of having what I want.
Hating him and loving him.
It’s too much for me to figure out. So of course I’ve been asking God to give me strength to do what’s right. And to act on not what I feel, but what I know.
It’s evident that it’s working because I’m at peace. I’m open to whatever way God guides me…whether it is to or away from that situation. I’m finally starting to see past the "now"… meaning that if TG isn’t the one for me, I trust God to send me someone that would be even better for me…although right now that’s hard to see/grasp. And if TG is the one for me, I trust God to work it out where I won’t have my trust issues and my friends and family will be able to accept us….although right now that’s hard to see/grasp. lol
But either way, I’m truly okay. God is working it out. :) I've done all I know how to do. I've done all I can. So now all I can do is just...stand.
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