I Believe

Dear God,

I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry for ever doubting your love for me. After the incident with TG, my faith in you diminished so much because I felt let down. I felt that I made our relationship up. I felt like maybe I was a fool to believe in something that I never even questioned or had hard concrete evidence for. I asked You to speak to me. And when I didn't hear anything, I became even more discouraged. For the last 2.5 years I've sat and waited for your voice. Month after month I drew further away from you. The more time passed, the less I believed you cared. The less I believed that you were there. The less I believed that we had a real relationship.

But something miraculous happened. I'm beginning to see how everything that's happened thusfar has lead to this one moment. I never would have went for a guy like Usher if I hadn't went through what I went through with TG. And if TG would have never left me, I never would have questioned why I believe what I believe. If I never had this period of searching, questioning, seeking, wondering, etc... about Who You are, if You care, how I know You're real, etc. , then You never would have been able to prove Yourself to me.

Sort of like how You allowed for the Isrealites to be in capativity in Egypt for so long just to prove to them that You keep your promises, You have the power to deliver them, and that You love them enough to do so. You led them out victoriously. Showing your sovereignty with each new dilemma. You always made a way.

And my story is no different. God I know I witnessed a miracle today. If I hadn't been with Usher for the last few years and know his story inside out, I wouldn't be able to appreciate what you just did for him today. God I know good and well that man could never EVER pass a drug test on his own with as much stuff as he smokes daily. I also know that this pending charge he has for the mess that went on at the other job has put an abrupt halt to his ability to get a real job on his own. He kept getting fired from the small odd jobs he did manage to find because of his background, and that hasn't changed. But You...

You miraculously allowed for me to experience up close and personal how You care for us even when we're doing wrong. You've shown me the power of prayer. You've allowed me to see that in face of rock bottom... in the presence of the absolute LAST hope, You are always there to turn things around. There was no way Usher could have passed both the background and drug tests today. Every real job he's applied for has turned him down. Every opened door and opportunity he's tried has ended in disappointment. Everything we've tried, has failed. He hadn't worked anywhere long enough to receive a full paycheck, and the little monies he gained from those odd jobs went mostly to his gas tank. So for the last five months, I've been his source of income. I've paid his rent and insurance, and water and light. I've had to buy him food and water, all on my small income. I'm grateful that you allowed me the income to do all of that because I realize that even that is a blessing. But only You know how much of a burden and strain on my pockets that has been. How much my own bills have suffered. How guilty I've felt about not helping my family and friends because he required so much of my funds. How ashamed I felt because I know if people knew how much money I was spending, they'd swear I was an idiot and he was using me. How upset I was to be in this predicament in the first place. But You, God.

You heard our prayers. Knowing we don't deserve it, You're grace and mercy has looked beyond our faults and saw our needs. You knew we were at the bottom. So much so that I couldn't even blog or talk about just how bad it's been. It's so true that You never put more on us than we can bear. Just when it seemed that there was no other hope, You appeared and changed everything.

God, I believe.

This one simple act showed me that you really do have unconditional love for your people. It showed me that You are always there, whether I hear You or not. It showed me that prayer does work. That You are real. That we can do nothing without You, but everything with You. That you can make a way out of no way. That logic means nothing when it comes to miracles.

God, I believe.

I thank you for never letting me get too far out there. Thanks for keeping your Spirit inside, constantly reminding me of your goodness. Constantly pulling at my heart...edging me back into your presence. Thank You for showing me, YOU. For blessing me even despite of my wrong doings. For letting me know that it is YOU in control. For picking this day, to speak to my heart.
For the rest of my life, I'll believe.

Thank You for the miracles. Thank You for the job. Thank You for the revelation. Thank You for being God.