Bankrupt

Have you ever felt happy and sad at the same time?

It seems crazy to me, yet I honestly feel both right now.

It's like, I'm sooo excited about the fall, about Usher's job, about the fact that things are looking up... but at the same time, every time things finally look up, the underlying issues that broke us up the first time are still there.

I took a class last week called Crucial Conversations. It talked all about how to have effective and result-filled conversations without attacking, sugar coating, avoiding, or frustrating you or the person you're talking with. All while I was in the class I was thinking how wonderful it will be to finally use these methods with Usher and my mom. I seem to have the same conversation with them over and over again. With my mom, I'm always trying to find a way to tell her to stop smothering me and let me live my life AND learn how to handle your money. With Usher, I'm always trying to find a way to tell him that he needs to put forth more of an effort in our relationship...emotionally, physically, financially...etc.

In the past, none of these conversations ended well. With Usher they've always escalated into full blown arguments and showdowns about everything BUT what I wanted us to focus on. With my mom, I always back down and never get out the meat of my argument for fear of hurting her feelings.

I decided that Saturday would be a good day to casually talk about Usher and my issues and hopefully resolve them once and for all.

It so didn't happen that way.

I'm so tired of arguing with him because nothing is changing except for his disdain over our arguments and my disdain over his unwillingness to do his part.

It's almost like... I know deep down that we're not right for each other, but I can't let go because I'm not ready to. I feel like I've invested too much to just cut my losses and go. And I know that's not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. If anyone else was in my shoes, I'd promptly advise them to just get out! I'd know exactly what the answer is for them....but here I am not doing what I know I should. Making things worse by investing even more. Prolonging the inevitable.

That makes me sad.

I've known since I met him that he wouldn't change, and it has never been my idea to make him. I just thought that with time, his word would finally kick in. I thought that with time, my acceptance of him would be better. I thought that with time, we'd finally find our rhythm. And while certainly, we're much better than we were, we're no where near where a relationship built on communication, trust, mutual acceptance and understanding should be.

Times like this, I hate being in love.

I don't doubt that he loves me too. I know that if I waited around long enough, he'd marry me.

But why would I get married to someone that I can't even resolve issues with now?
*sigh*

I know what I have to do.

I just don't know when I'll get the balls to do it.

Or even if I ever will.