The Sunday Blues

Sunday June 11, 2006
Usher's house

“I joined the church today” I casually informed Usher as I laid snuggled up under him around noon this particular Sunday morning.

“TG’s church?” He questioned while resting one arm on the side of his head and the other on my stomach.

I hate when he calls Free Spirit TG’s church. TG does not own that church!

“Noooo. TG doesn’t have a church. I joined Free Spirit.” I calmly say.

“Whatever, you know what I mean. He goes there.” He says a little agitated.

We both fall silent. He was watching some post-departure Dave Chapelle interview and I laid there looking at the ceiling wondering if he was gonna say anything positive about me finally making a decision about church.
I studied his face after a few minutes had passed. So he’s not gonna say anything…I think to myself. I was a little disappointed. I guess I wanted him to be happy. This is something that I’ve been in turmoil about since the beginning of the year. My joining a church was a major step in the right direction for me. It meant that I was finally getting my life back on track enough to make decisions not completely influenced by my emotions. It meant that I was ready to get back in my normal groove. It meant that I was finally happy with my life and I could now move forward. It was an “exhale” moment for me and I wanted him to be happy with me.

Such was not the case. His uncharacteristically quiet daze at the television let me know that either he did not want to discuss my involvement with “TG’s church” ever again, or that he was REALLY pissed off.

In order to keep us in good spirits, I began talking about something I KNEW he’d like… FOOD.

After a few one word answers. He finally shook off that cold shoulder he was giving me and all was well with our interactions. So I thought.

A few hours later.

Usher: Honey, here’s the remote. You can watch whatever.
Me: What u finna do?
Usher: Take my medicine.
Me: Oh. Aight. *i know what that means... smoke time*

He leaves the room while I flip the channels. A gospel program is on and I get sucked into it. He comes in the room and sits on the bed with his back towards me. After a few seconds he turns around and gives me this mean look. Initially I’m thinking, “why is he looking at me like that”. Then it dawned on me… He’s smoking…and I’m blasting some Gospel. Conflict. So I change the channel and try to find something else to watch. Unconsciously I start humming the song that I had just finished listening to as I flip the channels.

Usher: Well damn, u should have just left it on the station you were on if you gonna do that sh**!
Me: Soooooryyyyy!
Usher: I mean damn don’t u see me trying to handle mine over here. I don’t wanna hear that. Da hell wrong with you… yada yada yada.. *getting more pissed off by the moment over something that shouldn’t have been that deep.*
Me: aight Usher. I said sorry.
Usher: *still trying to start something* Blah Blah Blah

So I get up and leave the room. I tell him that I’m going for a walk. I don’t know why I let him get to me but I do. That was the third time so far since I been at his house that he has went off on me. I mean dude was snapping at me left and right and I didn't even argue with him as much as I normally would just to keep peace.

This wasn’t working for me. I mean, all that excitement and happiness I felt that morning about getting back into church and seeing my life fall into place was almost totally undone. He managed to zap every bit of positive energy I had earlier.

“it’s not him Sway, it’s the enemy” I kept telling myself.

But it didn’t help me.

After about a good 10 minutes, Usher came looking for me.

“Why you out here in this heat Sway. Come inside”

“I’m thinking” I sighed as I wiped beads of sweat off my face.

My open car door steadily beeped as he looked at me. I didn't want to look at him just yet. I was still upset and I knew if we caught eye contact, it would start another conversation/fight that I didn't want.

“You coming in?” He asked.

I paused. Lord KNOWS I felt like I was about to die in that heat.

“Yeah, in a minute” I managed to get out.

I figured that would make him leave, and I could come in later. I had to prepare myself for the talk we were about to have.

He leaned against my car, crossed his arms and legs, and proceded to stand there with this “well I guess I’ll wait” look on his face.

I gave up within the minute and stepped out the car. Hand in hand, we silently walked back up to his place.

He turned off the tv and sat on the bedroom couch in front of me.

“So… you wanna tell me what all this is about Sway?” He said.

“What it’s about? Usher you KNOW what this is about.” I steamed.

“Look Usher…” I sighed “This isn’t working…”