Usher and I saw each other a lot during the week. Since he lives so far away from me, it’s much easier for me to leave work and mosey on over to his crib than to come on the weekends from home. Seeing him during the weekday evenings had its benefits. I saved on gas, got out of rush hour traffic, and he’s a GREAT cook. I’d often come over and he’d have dinner already prepared. I loved it. But there were also ramifications to being together during those times. I get most my calls during the weekday evenings. Since I’d been kicking it with Usher, I had been sending lots of calls to voicemail, or just plain not answering. I figured that I’d just chat with them once I left his place. Unfortunately, when I left for home, I never felt like chatting it up with anyone.
I was always honest with Usher about everything. He knew how I felt about TG. He knew how TG felt about me. He knew about our dinner, the proposal, and my reaction. I guess I can’t blame him for not liking TG. lol. I found it humorous when we’d be together and TG would call. Usher’s face would automatically change, and while masking his insecurities he’d sarcastically say, “your boyfriend’s calling, you might wanna get that”. I’d roll my eyes at him and we’d continue to do whatever it is we were doing. Thing was… TG kept calling….and calling…and calling. I knew it bothered Usher. TG had his own ringtone and everytime his song came on, Usher's face would turn something ugly. So I began putting my phone on silent. A few weeks go by and I’ve been really good about remembering to silence my phone. I didn’t feel like hearing Usher’s mouth about why “dis nigga keep calling”. But of course I forgot one day, and Fantasia starts belting out her notes. It felt like something out of a movie.
We were sitting on the couch in the living room after a wonderful meal of ramen noodles and Doritos. lol And we were lost in our own thoughts while watching the beautiful sunset, when “if you don’t want me then don’t talk to meeeee” consumes our ears from the bedroom. I quickly glance at him only to find my gaze met by his. As if in slow motion, we both looked towards the room and made a dash towards the bedroom. I'm pushing him and he's pushing back, both of us trying to be first to the phone.
I had so many things running through my mind. He was REALLY about to answer my phone! He must be very agitated by TG’s calls now. What does this neegro think he’s gonna say to TG? How will TG react to hearing a dude’s voice on the other end? He doesn’t even know about Usher. Why do I even CARE how TG reacts? I can’t believe we’re actually running for MY phone!
He leaps from the hallway superman style, flies through the door frame and lands on the bed with a big flop. The phone is literally a hair out of his grasp. I closely behind him, land on his back and proceed to beat him to the phone by grasping my hand across his eyes and forehead and pulling them back towards me so that I could roll over him and retrieve my phone.
“Usher… stoooooooop!” I yelled with no success.
“Naw, uh uh. I’m tired of this bi*** azz nigga calling you while you with me. He needs to know that his conversation is no longer welcomed. You done right?” he calmly retorts back while literally picking me up with one hand and putting me down on the bedroom couch and holding the phone in his other hand.
“Yeah I’m done with him” I unconvincingly say. We caught eye contact and as I caught my breath, I defeatedly looked at him flip my phone open and say “hello?”
Before I knew it, I jumped up and took my phone from him and snapped it closed. HARD.
He stared at me.
I stared back.
“I can’t believe you still love him after all that sh** he did to you.”
“Well I can’t believe you just answered my damn phone!” I yelled. “Do you see me invading your privacy? Do you see me going through yo’ stuff? Huh? let me handle this MY WAY!”
“You’ve been handling this your way for months now Sway. Sh** ain’t working. Handle that nigga or I will.”
“What u mean you’ll handle him? You ain’t my dude Usher! And don’t tell me what to do!”
“I ain’t yo’ dude. I ain’t you dude? Da f***? You kidding me ? Think about it Sway! You at my house damn near erryday. U know all my friends. You the only woman I’m messing with! I’m the only dude YOU messin with. We go out without question EVERY WEEKEND. We talk on the phone EVERYDAY. What the hell u think is going on? If I ain’t yo dude, then who am I and what da hell we doin?”
*crickets*
He was right.
Here it is the beginning of April and for the last 2 months, I’ve been kickin it with him and only him. And not ONCE did I realize that this neegro really IS my dude, whether I admitted it or not. My words and my actions told two very different tales. I might have said, and really thought with all my heart, that I wasn’t feeling ole dude like that, but reality was…we were a couple. I just didn’t know it.
I just stared at him. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what I got myself into. “I’m not READY for a relationship” I think to myself.
“I told you Usher, I’m not READY for this. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m just... *sigh* I'm just not.”
He looked at me for a long time as I sat there on his couch looking like I just found out my dog died.
“Sway, I’m not forcing you to be with me. I’m not forcing you to spend time with me. I’m not forcing you to have a relationship with me. If you’re not ready for what we’ve ALREADY been doing for the last two months then fine. I just… I just don’t understand you. You say you’re not ready, but everything we do says that you are ready. I’m not asking you to marry me, or move in, or anything like that. We’re just… with each other. All we doing is… taking it day by day. What’s so hard about that? Why do you need to be ‘ready’ for that?”
I didn’t respond. I needed time to think. My head was hurting. I really had no idea that I had become his girlfriend without even knowing it. I was at the point where I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, yet I didn’t want to walk away either.
I was scared. TG had hurt me so deeply that I was afraid to date anyone else. I was afraid that as soon as I let my guard down, Usher would hurt me. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of being used. I was afraid to try again.
*sigh* “You know what? It seems like we always argue about this. Just forget it okay. Let’s just forget it. If you wanna just be friends, we’ll just be friends. When you decide you want more, let me know. I’ll be ready and waiting.”
I looked at this man sitting in front of me, with tears in his eyes and realized that he had the same fears as I did. He was just as fragile as I was. But he was willing to try. He was willing to take it day by day praying each day that it wouldn’t be the last time we’d enjoy each other’s company. He was willing to wait for me to feel better about us.
I said okay and decided that now would be a good time to head home. I had a lot of thinking to do. I knew Usher was right about everything. But I needed to sort out some other things… like, why I couldn’t bring myself to tell TG about Usher.
A week or so later.
April 10th
2am
Me: Yeah that really was funny. *laughing*
Usher: Yeah. *his phone clicks* Hold on.
Me: yup. *thinking, who's calling him so late..*
Usher: I’m back. My fault.
Me: Who was that?
Usher: Ike. He done locked his real dumb azz out again. *getting up to unlock the front door.*
Me: Oh…
Usher: And why u all in my biznass girl! *jokingly fussing at me* You starting to act like my girlfriend now.
Me: Cuz your business IS my business. *jokingly fussing back* And I AM your girlfriend boy!
Usher: Oh yeah? Since when...neegro?
Me: since right now! U got a problem with that?
Usher: *laughing* Hell naw. 'Bout time you got with this. Hold on...lemme go get a pen to write this date and time down. Making a n**ga work all hard and sh**. Got me blushin over here...
And with that… Usher officially became my new beau.
Next blog: Usher and I today.
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