makes for one craaaaaazy relationship. lol
April was a rocky transition for me. Although nothing really changed with our interactions, my awareness that Usher and I were officially together caused me to act a little different. I found myself arguing with him more. In my mind, our "officialness" changed things. And now that things have "changed", we needed more communication, we needed more boundaries and guidelines… we needed to “talk”.
Like a typical guy, Usher did NOT like the “talks”. He’s a “let it flow” type of guy. He always started our convo with "what's wrong in your crazy brain NOW Sway?" lol
I’d ask him something about us and it would lead to a full fledge disagreement on how things are and/or should be. I’d always end the convo on some, “we are SOOOO different” tip. He'd always look at me, waiting to see if my next words would be, “So maybe we should just be friends”.
They never were. When I’m in something… I’m in it.
At least that’s one thing we're similar on.
I’ll admit, I was driving poor Usher insane. One day I’m crying, the next I’m yelling, the next I’m bugging him about solving some “what if” situation that may not even happen. I was a mess. How does one go from being marriage minded…to just… letting it flow? I tried to find my balance…living in the moment, and being careful for the future.
I was scared out of my mind about falling for Usher. I’d known from day one that we were very different. I was also afraid of really liking him and getting comfortable with the idea of us, because I felt that then would be the very moment when he’d decide to be like the rest of the track stars I’ve dated and run away. So I guess for a while, I unconsciously tried to sabotage our relationship. Testing it, testing him…seeing if he’d leave. Seeing if this was all a game of “see how long it takes to chase Sway down and make her fall for you”. So far, he hasn’t budged. He often looks at me like I’m crazy, but he’s still around.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell very many people about us. TG screwed me up so bad that I didn’t want anyone to know about Usher and I just in case it didn’t work out. I was tired of getting my hopes up. I was tired of feeling humiliated as I have to explain why the man I was with decided to be with someone else. So I hid our relationship.
“Oh, Usher? We’re just kicking it” I’d hear myself tell anyone who realized that I’d been spending a noticeable amount of time with some mystery man. He and I were in one world, and everyone else and I were in another. I separated him from the rest of me, hoping that if we ever parted ways, I could just cut that piece of my life off without it affecting anything else.
He noticed.
Tuesday April 25
4pm
Me: Hey baby.
Usher: Heeeeeey Honey. U sound funny? Your gramma okay?
Me: Naw. She um… she died about 20 minutes ago. We just got through viewing her body. *voice cracking*
Usher: U okay, you want me to come to the hospital.
Me: oh..um.. that’s okay. I’ll be okay. Uh…I’ll uh… call you later.
Friday May 12th
9:30pm
Me: Hey baby. Just thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
Usher: Well why we gotta wait until tomorrow? I know where the bowling alley is. Why don’t I just meet ya’ll up there?
Me: *whining like I’m 12* Cuuuuuuz… I’m with my friiiiiiiiiiends.
Usher: So. You act like I can’t meet your friends.
Me: Noooo, now you know it’s not like that. I just figured you wouldn’t be too comfortable around them. They aren’t like your friends.
Usher: What you mean by that?
Me: Nothing. Come on if you want.
Usher: Naw. It’s aight. I’ll see you tomorrow. You don’t wanna mess with a nukka tonight.
May 14th
Mother’s Day
Usher: Hey Hooooney!
Me: Hey baby!
Usher: Tell your mom I said Happy Mother’s Day…even though she don’t know me.
Me: *laughing* Whatever, she knows you.
Usher: Does she know I’m yo’ boyfriend?
Me: uh.,…well…
Usher: exactly.
*uncomfortable silence*
Usher: well listen Honey, change of plans. My mom is back from Augusta already so I’m thinking of going to my sister’s boyfriend's house and meeting my mom there for dinner. You wanna come? She wanna meet you?
Me: Fo' real? Uh, wow. Meet your mom? U sure about that? *eye brows raised*
Usher: Yeah. If we gonna be together, she might as well meet you.
Me: *feeling guilty* Yeah. Um…alright.
I felt SOOOO wrong for not letting him into the rest of my life. Here I was meeting his mom, I had already met his sister, a host of his friends AND I had half of their numbers in my phone. Usher doesn’t even know where I live. He’s never met my family, any of my friends. And the only number he has that isn’t mine is my co-worker’s…because he worked there too once. It was very obvious that something was wrong. Thing is… I REALLY wasn’t consciously trying to keep him out. It wasn’t until he brought it to my attention that I realized all of these events.
And of course…the fact that TG still didn’t know about Usher and I was a MAJOR problem.
Don’t get me wrong, I hinted to TG that I was with someone. But I could never just come out and say, Usher is my boyfriend... we’re dating, we’re exclusive...we together.
Usher of course thought it was because I still had feelings for TG. He was so convinced that even I had to go back and question myself. Why couldn’t I tell TG? When I finally figured it out, I was very surprised and disgusted with myself.
I’ve always prided myself on being one of those “forgive and let it go” kinda people. I’ve been done dirty many many times before, and I had never gotten any “get back”. I usually just let it go…and go on with my life. After all, that’s the Christian thing to do right?
Well this time, I didn’t want to let it go. I think I actually wanted TG to feel a part of what I felt. I wanted him to think that he had a chance with me. I wanted him to think that when he moved back up here in a few months, that everything would be the way it was. I wanted him to think that I still wanted him, so when he finally moved here, and really tried to plan for our life together, when he was finally all the way in as I was last year, then I could BLAST him with the “I can’t marry you after all you did to me” and yada yada yada… just do him real wrong.
I know, I know. I'm wrong for that. But that’s what I wanted. Yeah I know that revenge is not the answer, but I still wanted it. I still felt like it would make me feel better. I wanted to see him hurt. But my revenge tactic was interfering with my current relationship and that wasn't cool. Usher wanted me to end it all. Completely. No more contact. Let go of this crazy revenge plan. So I did. I let it go.
All was well with us. My feelings became deeper. His did too.
Our unlikely relationship really was working. Those frustrating arguments we used to have became less frequent, and everyday we were learning more and more about each other.
It's the beginning of June and the sun is shining brightly on us. I had no idea that I was about to put a damper on all of this.
Next blog: The Sunday Blues
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