“This isn’t working”.. I told Usher.
He closed his eyes and rolled his head backwards onto the couch and listen quietly as I killed him softly.
“We both know how different we are. You know I’m really into Church. U know I got that 'good girl' thing going on. I enjoy gospel music and I enjoy reading the Bible. I really believe that couples should be equally yoked. Plus, I could care less about name brand clothes and shoes and purses. And I don't even know the difference between Young Joc, Young Jeezy and Weesy...and whoever else. You…well you’re a bad boy. You’re into rap, and smoking, and cursing, and cars with rims… you go to church about twice a year and everything you want has to be big and flashy and expensive. You don't care for the music I like, and you live your life by your rules. Everything I like you don’t, everything you like, I don’t. We’re just too different. Something’s gotta give. Somethings gotta change…and I…”
He got up and headed to his closet as if he’d heard all he needed to and began sorting his dirty clothes into washable piles.
“Usher, I’m still talking…I’m no”
“Sway I think you’ve said enough.” He interrupts. “There’s nothing else to say.”
I watch him carefully place his work clothes in one neat pile on the floor. His body language would have me to believe that our conversation was over and he was fine, but I couldn’t help but see those 3 tears running down his left cheek. He tried to hide them, but I saw them.
I get up and lead him back to the couch.
I sit on his lap, facing him. His face is about 2 inches away from mine. I stare into his tear filled eyes. I know him well enough now to know that his tears and mine mean two very different things. He only tears up when he’s mad or dissapointed. I pretty much cry about everything.
“I’m not leaving you Usher.” I say while cuping his face in my hands.
He tries to look away, but I continued to shift his eyes back to mine.
I’m starting to understand him. Though he doesn’t talk about her much, his ex really did some major damage by walking out on him. He’s not afraid of a lot, but I know that the one thing that scares him the most is being abandoned again.
“Look at me Usher. Look at me. I am NOT leaving you. Okay? But this is gonna be a MAJOR problem in the future. If we’re really gonna make this relationship work, some things MUST change. Otherwise, we’re wasting each other’s time. ”
He seemed to relax just a little bit. His main concern was addressed...and once I cleared the air about that...he was more open to hearing me out.
I didn't know how to make him understand where I was coming from. He thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong in his eyes. He often told me, "Sway, why we need to talk? You my girl, i'm your dude...the only thing we need to talk about is how our day is...or what we gonna do on the weekend. All the hard stuff was solved when we agreed to be together."
In his eyes...the only time we needed to stop and do some serious talking is when we decided to either get married, move in together, or have a child. Other than that, every moment should be simple, lighthearted and fun.
I didn't see it that way. I mean, I wish it WAS that way for me. But it wasn't. I've been struggling with stuff from the beginning. I knew from jump that my spirituality and his lack thereof would soon lead to some major issues for me. It's not a thing for him, but it's everything to me. I have never dated anyone who didn’t do the church thing. I mean, I honestly believe in the whole equally yoked bit. I want my man to be into the same things I’m into. I don’t want to forever be bound to someone who has different values and views than I do. How can I get my praise on if he’s always smoking? How can he blast his rap music in the house if I’m always praying? It can’t happen. And I knew that from day one. Yet I still chose to be with him. At first, because I didn’t have the heart to keep on fighting him away. Now because I actually like him and am genuinely care for him. I expressed my feelings about all of this when we first met but just kept coming around to, “Sway, you haven’t even tried yet. You don’t know if it would work or not. At least give us a chance.”
Against my better judgement, I gave us a chance. I don't regret one moment of our time together, but I must face the reality that always was: if we have any chance at all in making this work, we’ve got a lot of odds against us that we need to come to an understanding about.
We talked and talked...but at the end of the day, I still didn't see things his way. How can we be so different and work?
I got my answer when I met his parents.
Usher is a spitting image of his dad. Not in the physical sense really, but their mannerism, beliefs, crazy sayings… are so close to they seem to be one in the same. Usher IS his daddy. Both talking cold cash about everything. Loud, crazy, free spirited men. I couldn’t believe it!
The first words out of Dad’s mouth when we arrived at their home was…
“Da hell? Neegro u done got biiiig! I know for sure I can whip yo’ azz on the court now. When you wanna get spanked?”
Usher laughed, dapped his daddy like they were homeboys and retorted back with...
“Sh** man, we can do this wheneva. This rock hard body I got will crush your ole azz on the court”.
They continued to call each other out their name and talk cold cash for the remainder of our visit. I was speechless. I've never heard an exchange like this before. Did they really just talked to each other like that? And no love was lost? No one felt disrespected?
"*shrug* That’s how they are." Usher's mom whispered to me after greeting me and seeing my expression.
I had met his mom before. So I knew how she was… but seeing his dad threw me for a loop. How in the heck did these two manage to hook up, marry, and stay together for over 40 years?
Usher’s mom was a sweet, softspoken lady who just rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband after one of his loud rants about nothing and said… “That’s Tom for ya”.
Seeing them interact with each other really blew my mind. They were so different! She was a nice sophisticated woman who’s past times included going to church, caring for her elderly aunt, cooking, and occasionally indulging in a little guilty pleasure with a glass of Chardonnay or Moet. Her husband was a loud, crazy talking man whose religion was golf, gambling, and beer. While she talked to me about Church and her job, he was telling Usher about one of his wild conspiracy theories and updating him on his friend who got drunk at a card game and shot himself in the foot. Yet, he and his wife got along perfectly. It was funny to see them having two totally different conversations, but still rubbing on each other's legs and playing footsie while doing it.
I finally got why Usher insisted that I meet them. They were pretty much us. He wanted me to see what he saw.
She hated golf ... he hated gospel concerts, yet they loved each other dearly. She may be in Atlanta at church on Sunday while he was in Augusta at the golf course, but when they got together that evening, they both enjoyed the dinner and movie they saw.
It opened my eyes a little as to why Usher really thought we could work. His parents had successfully done it for 40+ years. I’ve never seen anything like it. And his parents seemed genuinely happy. It was like, they had their own things they did…and when it was time to get together... they enjoyed every minute of it.
On our way back from their house…I told him that I finally understood what he’s been saying all this time. And thought that it was time for him to meet my parents so maybe he too can undertsand me better as well.
Since then, we’ve been learning more about each other…finding out how I can be me and he can be him and still make US work.
When I want to get my praise on and he doesn't, he goes and washes my car, or plays ball and by the time he comes back, we continue where we left off.
When he wants to smoke, he does it before i come over or we take a stroll outside so that the smoke doesn't in my hair/clothes as much.
If we're in the car together, we listen to something like old school r&b, which both of us enjoy. (or TI - lol)
Surprisingly…it’s been working. I'm happy.
I definitely believe that opposites attract…but in my heart, I still believe that the similarities are what keeps most couples.
I guess we’ll see…
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