Just Interesting

Good Morning sweety. U were just on my mind and wanted to take a min. b4 work to let u know that u're blessed and highly favored. luv always yours truly T****** G****** Sr.

From: TG
3/08/06 6:16am


I hit “delete” as I rode in silence this morning to work. It’s weird how I haven’t heard from him since the whole baby situation, but this particular morning, he texts me. I guess one thing hasn’t changed. He still feels my moods. I guess I threw out such strong vibes yesterday that he had to feel it. lol

Last night was interesting for me. It started off normal, I ended up doing about 3 days worth of work in 4 hours, which exhausted me, but I was fine once I got off. I took my friend to kinko’s and all was well. Got home and did my usual routine of checking messages, showering, watching Bernie Mac and finding my lounge-around-the-house shirt. I blindly reached into my drawer without a care in the world, grabbed a white shirt and attempt to put it on. As I pulled it over my head a familiar smell filled my nose. I knew that smell well. I immediately looked down at the shirt I just put on and realized that it was TG’s shirt. I have no idea how he gets his clothes to smell like that, but it’s very distinct, and it doesn’t go away until after 2-3 washes.
It had T****** spelled out right on the front. I didn’t know I still had that shirt. I made every effort to give him back or hide all of his things, but somehow this one was overlooked. Maybe because it was turned inside out and I figured it was mine. *shrug* But looking at myself in the mirror with this shirt on… one I wore SO MANY nights at his house because I joked that I was his number one cheerleader, sponsor, and head of the TG fanclub… floods of memories came back. I was no longer in my house, in my room. I was there in his place. And it stung.

It was at that moment last night that I realized that I haven’t been honest with myself. I’ve allowed myself to be hurt, to grieve, to wonder why, to cry…and all that comes with breakups except for that one thing. The one emotion that I’ve suppressed and made excuses for him so that I didn’t have to feel. The very thing I don’t know how to express. That thing that bubbled up in my so explosively last night until I could no longer deny it. I had to be honest. And for the first time, I looked in the mirror at myself with tears in my eyes and softly said.

"I’m angry."

I couldn’t stop saying it. I couldn’t stop feeling it. Rage felt like it was oozing out of my pores and I didn’t know what to do with it. Before I knew it, I found myself throwing pillows at my head board between uncontrollable sobs and fierce yelling the air. I told him everything I REALLY felt. I told him how mad I really was. I told him how much I resented him for leaving me at the time i needed him the most. I told him how I really blamed him for losing baby. I told him how much I loathed the lies he told me.
The more I yelled, the more I cried. The more I cried, the more I felt all of the hurt that was still VERY present and VERY real. The more hurt I felt, the angrier I was that he was the source of this pain.

I yelled until I made myself hoarse. I cried until I choked, coughed and almost threw up. I kicked, punched the bed, and threw pillows until I was too exhausted to move. I collapsed on the bed in a big puddle of tears. I was tired, my face was puffy, my eyes were red…I had a bruise on my leg and I had no idea how I just hurt it. I layed there and allowed myself to find it’s normal state of peace again.
I hoped that my words resonated through the air and down to Columbus. I hoped as he laid by her, his eyes popped open and my voice filled his head. I hoped that at least one second of his day was filled with remorse on how he did me and Baby. I knew that my hopes were probably unrequited.

I was okay with that. I said my peace and fell asleep easily.

Imagine my surprise upon waking up and finding a text from him.

Nothing major was said. Nothing to read into. But..

It was … interesting. Just interesting.