August 15th
9:52am
work phone rings
Me: Behavioral Research, Sway speaking.
Usher: Hey Honey…whatchu doin?
Me: Nothin. Just getting ready for this 10am meeting. *looking at the clock*
Usher: oh okay… I just wanted to tell you this real quick. Tobie called me a few minutes ago. *laughing*
Me: *feeling knots* Oh yeah?
Here we go. What the hell does she want now. I hate when she calls. I hate hearing her name. I hate hearing about her. Ugh!
Usher: Yeah. Get this. She calls to tell me that she’s considering going to rehab and wants to know how I feel about my daughter coming to live with me until she gets out.
Me: mmmm...okay...
I tried to say it as casually as I could…but I just felt like something was coming. The knots in my stomach tightened… my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why. They just were. I took a deep breath and continued to listen.
Usher: Yeah… so I told her that ya' know…I’d love for my daughter to come down here, but I gotta make some arrangements, and I’d get back with her on that.
Then she was like… “and yeah, I was thinking that um…once I get out of rehab, I could move down to Atlanta and live with you too and we can try to make it work again?” *laughing hysterically* That woman is crazy! I told her…I got a girlfriend now shawty! That ship has sailed.
Me: *gulping hard* Yeah. *uneasy laugh*
Him: Then she had the nerve to tell me that she misses me and that things haven't been going right since I left. She talkin about she realize that she did me wrong and promises she'll never do it again. She claims that she sees now that I was her protector up there... she done got into 6 fights since I left. She lost 4 and won 2. *gut bursting laughter* Then she was like "how can I make it up to you" And I told her there was nothing she could do. I told her I made the same promise to you that I made to her about never leaving, so that's what she get for doing me wrong and then i hung up on her ass. *still laughing* Well that’s all I wanted to tell you. That shit was fuuuuun-neeeeee! Aight, I gotta go… have a good day honey. I’ll call you later.
Me: uh…alright.
I sat at my desk paralyzed. It was now 9:59…and I couldn’t move.
I had to be at this meeting…but I was visibly shook. My whole body trembled…my heart was beating fast…my legs were wobbly and I felt as if I was about to break into sobs.
Why was I feeling like this. He just told me that he didn’t want his ex. Shouldn’t I be happy?
I managed to find my way to the meeting and sit through the entire thing without letting one tear fall. But I couldn’t concentrate.
An array of emotions surfaced.
I was insecure.
I was scared.
Nervous…
This was all too familiar…
This is exactly how it started with TG last year.
The phone calls from the ex…at first about the kids…then about her wanting him back…then where they went wrong…
Next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had to go back and try it once more…
His kids needed him. He wanted to make his family work. He needed to make his family work and I was left...
we were left.
I tried hard to focus on my meeting. But all I could manage to do was focus on keeping my tears from hitting my cheek. I know everyone noticed. But I couldn't shake this off. I really care about Usher. I really enjoy his company. I really want this to work out for us...and I don’t want Usher to leave.
Not like that anyways. If we don’t work out… I don’t want it to be because I was just a rebound chick he was messing with until he felt he punished his ex enough before going back to her. I don't want it to be because he left me for someone he said he was done with. I don't want it to be because he never intended to stay with me.
I can’t go through this again. Not like this. I just…can’t.
Am I over reacting? He did tell me before that he wasn’t going back to her. And his phone call was to tell me that he wasn’t planning on going back to her now.
But still… the thought of it makes me queasy.
How could I get myself into the same type situation again? Didn’t I learn anything about dating divorced men with children!
He’s gonna leave me…
Watch...he's gonna leave...
He’s gonna freakin leave me for her…I kept hearing a voice repeat over and over again in my head.
It got so uncontrollable that I couldn’t think of anything else all day.
He didn’t give it another thought. The moment it left his mouth he was done. It was over…and he moved on… but me…I couldn’t let it go.
After my meeting I called him and expressed my need to see him that night. I knew he got off late, but I didn’t care. I needed reassurance and I needed it NOW.
“Is everything okay? You okay?” He questioned after hearing the anxiety in my voice.
“Yeah… I just uh… I just need to see you” I lied.
That night I just watched him. He seemed so unmoved by what happened earlier that day. A woman you loved dearly and spent the last 10 years of your life with called you and begged you for another chance and it doesn’t move you?
He’s faking it. It had to touch him. He had to consider it… He’s not in love with me… and although he’s already vowed to never leave me…c’mon…this is someone you share a child with. Someone who you wife'd. Someone you were crazy in love with. How do you expect me to believe that you’ve completely healed and you’re totally over her?
“Usher, I wanna talk about the convo we had today”
“What convo?” he mumbled while stuffing a big piece of cheese pizza into his mouth.
“You KNOW what convo. The one about Tobie. Listen, I’ve been here before…and to say that her return isn’t affecting me would be lying. I don’t wanna go through what I went through with TG again. If you still have any feelings for her… or if you even think that you MIGHT consider her offer, I’d much rather we end our relationship NOW on a good note…and just be friends so you can get your thoughts together and I don’t end up hurt more down the line.”
Silence.
The smacking became louder and louder as he chewed his pizza. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to reassure me. Tell me that he didn’t want her…he wanted me. I wanted him to hug me and kiss me and look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me.
But he just chewed and chewed.
I looked at my own plate… I barely even touched my food. How could I eat at a time like this. My stomach was doing flips.
“Sway…didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t gonna leave you? We can’t go through this every time I metion her damn name. It wasn’t like I said I wanted her back. I mean, damn Sway. You really worried about that ain’t you?”
“Yeah. I am.”
I really am.
I tried to let it go because I realized that no matter what I did, or said...only time will reveal the real truth. If he's gonna leave, nothing I say will make him stay (or leave earlier). If he's gonna stay, nothing she says will make him leave. But my talking about it won't really change anything. I guess I have only two options: stay and see what happens...or leave and never know.
I opted to run on...and see what the end is gonna be.
But I still don't know how to take his attitude about all of this. Is he really done with her? Is it a front to hide his true feelings? Is he trying to figure out what he wants to do? Is he waiting for her to get clean and come down before making a decision? Is he really into me now and realizes that what we have is worth holding on to?
Maybe he’s like me. He may still love her, but what she did to him was inexcusable… sort of like TG and I. Maybe even though he might still love her, he can never go back. Nothing would be the same and he's better off with someone he can trust.
Or maybe he's like TG... thinking that he's over her, starting a new relationship and realizing down the line that he still has feelings so strong that he feels compelled to go back.
It could go either way. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I want to break up with him and find someone else so that I don't get my heart broken anymore than it is.
But is it fair to punish him for what TG did to me?
Is it stupid to stay with him with all the warning signs flashing right in front of my eyes?
I guess we'll see. I just know that I can’t get too comfortable with him. I like him a lot, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder if this is gonna be déjà vu.
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