If

If you believe in God...

If you believe that He answers prayers...

If you believe that He moves right before we stop believing...

If you believe...

then I solicit your prayers.

Pray for my strength...because it's running out...

My faith...because it's smaller than that mustard seed...

My peace...for there often is none...

My mind...because it's in dire need of renewing...

My heart...so that the heavy burdens i carry there will be lifted...


I'm not depressed.
But I do realize that I want more than to just be happy.
I'm actually quite tired of just being happy.

A wise person once told me that "Happiness is an emotion determined by external factors. Joy, on the other hand, is an eternal state/mindset that comes from within (and above)."

That's what I want. I want joy. No matter what's going on in my life... I want joy. I'm tired of being up and down depending on situations and things around me. I just want to be able to keep going...rolling with the punches...knowing that no one can take my joy.

I've realized that my problem is not my insecurities about Usher and I, it's not about my tumultous past...or my unknown future, it's not about having more money...or losing weight. My problem is that I don't have true joy. I don't have the joy of the Lord.

One of the mother's in my old church used to sing that song almost every week...
"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away"

That's the kind of joy I want. That's the kind of joy I once had... and somewhere down the line, I let it slip away. I wandered away from God and all the peace and joy I once had. Lord knows I'm trying to get back. But all those things I listed above seem to hold me in this akward state where I want to move back closer to God...but I can't seem to get my feet moving. I can't seem to forget why I wandered in the first place. I can't seem to get it together enough to make things the way they were... and all I can do now is to ask God to help me. All I can do now is to ask for prayers from believers. All I can do now is stand.

Real talk...