September Deferred

You ever feel like you’re living the real live version of the Truman show. Sometimes I swear I’m on tv or something. Everyone can’t be experiencing the amount of random crazy things I see/hear/feel everyday. But then again, maybe they do.*shrug*

Aaaaaaaaanywho...

September has been a reflective month for me thus far. Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the life I thought I’d be living right now. Emails about birthdays and how this month is reported to have the most babies born of all months….coupled with blast emails from David’s Bridal, Modern Bride, and all the other sites I registered with counting down the days until my wedding….has made it hard to forget.
If life had went as planned, baby would be a few weeks old now…if that. And TG and I would only be a week and 3 days away from our wedding day.

Instead, there’s no baby. There’s no TG. And while at the beginning of this year, those two things sounded like the end of the world to me, I’m still here. Life’s still going on. I can still smile. I can still be happy. I can still…love.

At times I feel guilty about that. Guilty for enjoying my life. How can I be happy when baby’s not here? How can I just… move on like that. I mean, I’ll never forget…and I have my nights even now where my mind drifts to our 2 months together and I remember. I cry and I cry…and I ache…and I long.
But then I have to pull myself together…and move on….although I never really do. I move on in life…but in my heart…baby will never be forgotten.

I guess that’s why lately I’ve been feeling this strong maternal desire. I want a child. Really bad. Now I know that I’m not really ready for one financially. And if I’m really honest with myself… I’m not ready for one period. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pull.

It’s a hard thing for me to watch 4 of my best friends give birth this year…and watch their children grow…and see the glow on the new mommies’ faces without feeling a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness…

But you know what… my time will come.
No one knows why God allows things to happen they way they happen. However I do know that my life is going exactly the way it is supposed to go…and I’m looking forward to seeing what my future holds.
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I saw a rainbow yesterday. I always see it in the same place…getting off the expressway exit by my house. I look up and there it is… in all it’s beauty. There’s nothing like a real rainbow. Everytime I see one I swear I smile. Every single time. I don’t know why, but no matter what’s going on in my life, rainbows seem to give me hope. Just the fact that it’s there soothes me. All the way home I had this cheesy grin on my face. I’m happy. :)
I have two loving parents who supports me in all my endeavors. Really good friends whom I can call on for whatever. And my Usher…whose smile and hugs have gotten me over many many rough days. I have a good job. A reliable car. I eat each and EVERY Day… (way too much usually)...and a place to rest. I’m blessed. I’m really blessed!

Things may not have panned out the way i thought it would... but there's definitely nothing wrong with this new plan.
I'm excited again...
Excited to see how far this plan goes...
Excited to know that even if this plan doesn't pan out the way i think it should...that whatever's next could be just as good.
I'm just excited.