"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself;I am large, I contain multitudes."
-Walt Whitman
Isn’t it amazing how we are less likely to take our own advice? It always fascinates me on how well I and others can tell someone else what they should do when about a certain situation and when we face the same or similar situation, we are completely lost. lol. I guess it IS true. There is no real reality. There’s only one’s perception of it. And unfortunately our perception is skewed by our past experiences and egocentric attitudes. Meaning… My problems are ALWAYS worse than yours no matter if it’s the same problem simply because they are MY problems. lol
We are soooo self absorbed aren’t we? I find myself in that predicament as I type. One thing I like about myself is my ability to realize my negative traits…laugh at myself… then really work to fix it. I’ve realized that I am SO self absorbed…and what’s even worse than that is that I still don’t listen to my own self. This problem I really hope I fix. I usually find myself in the encouraging position of situations. People come to me with all types of problems and I listen and feel compelled to give them SOMETHING. That’s the reason I became so fixated on Psychological Studies Institute. I wanted to become a Licensed Professional Christian Counselor with emphasis in marriage and family. (try saying that in one breath) And I still do. But it’s amazing that now I’m on the receiving end of the encouragement and words of advice from people I didn’t even know cared. It’s been nice and I must say, everyone has helped me in this long process to recovery and I am so grateful.
However, I’ve learned something about myself. I am very stubborn and hardheaded. When I wanna do something, I do it. And unfortunately, most of the words of advice and encouragement I’ve gotten, while grateful for it, I still felt horrible. I answered his calls, when the leading advice was to have no contact with him for a while. And then I wondered why I felt so bad. lol I’m grieving and moping, and wishing and trying to figure out what went wrong…when EVERYONE including myself has said… to just let it go. God doesn’t make mistakes. God knows what He’s doing. Lean not unto your OWN understanding Sway. I know I know. I hear it. I say it. I even believe it. But I find myself still wondering why? Still crying over old news. Still trying to figure out if I can ever get that back. *sigh* I feel crazy cuz I don’t even take my OWN advice. lol.
I wanna start.
My favorite quote for a broken heart was “Don’t cry because it’s over, Smile because it happened.”
Oh how I loooooove that quote. Oh how I wanted to live my life by that. And I’m trying. When I pray now, I thank God for the small time He allowed TG and I to find true love in each other. Well… I can’t speak for TG. So I thank God for allowing me to experience true love. I have WONDERFUL memories. I wouldn’t change one day with TG. Never have a felt so special and so at peace. Never have I smiled for no reason so much. Never did I praise God for allowing me to feel pure bliss. It was great while it lasted. And my only regret is that I couldn’t put that feeling in a bottle and save it.
But somehow, even after I smile… MY reality set in… knowing that what we had is no more…and the sadness of not having that sometimes overwhelm the fact that I was blessed to have even experienced something as wonderful as that. And in true human fashion, it goes in one ear and out the other when people say that they know exactly what I’m going through. When they say they’ve been here. I know in my head they have…but my heart tells a different story. I feel like no one could possibly know how I feel. I know it is gonna take me longer than a month to get over my true love. I know it’ll sting for a while to know that he’s fine without me. But even grief has its stages. And I really feel like I’m tired of crying. I might still hurt, but I don’t wanna shed another depressed tear for what was. I’m ready to look forward. I’m ready to smile with out immediately crying. I’m ready to accept that THAT particular gift from God was not for a lifetime, it was only for a season. And just because it was for a season makes it no less special, and no less of a blessing.
So, I will try to stop contradicting myself in this area of my life. I will take my own advice. I will smile because it happened. I’m tired of telling folks that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose, then having the audacity to be afraid of what my future will hold. I’m tired of saying that God has so many great things in store for others, and not believing anything better can come along in my life. I can’t believe how many times I’ve told folks not to lean to their understanding but in all ways acknowledge God and He'll direct their path, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to understand WHY things are this way and HOW this could happen. I must believe my own words for my own life. Only then will I be able to have any kind of peace. God’s ways are not like ours. Our understanding is limited. His is infinite. Only God knows why things shifted. And I should leave it to Him to continue guiding me the right way. If and when He decides to reveal it to me, then and only then will I know. So my prayer is to be content not being able to look in the mirror and see what it is God is doing. As long as He’s driving, I know I can’t be lost. I know I’m in safe hands. Now if I can just get that in my heart I'll be great!
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