If only I knew....

I was raped...

by a policeman.



At least that's what I was convinced of for a good 4 minutes this morning after waking up in a puddle of sweat and unusually fast breathing.

5:46am glared my stereo clock. I had a good 20 minutes before my usual wakeup routine began, but there was no way I was going back to sleep after that. I sat straight up in my bed. Surrounded by quietness, I wiped away the unfallen tears. This is not the first time I've dreamt about rape. Heck, this isn't the first time i've dreamt about my own rape. But somehow, this dream shook me up the most. I tried to calm down. As I slowly laid back down and pulled the covers tightly around my body, my frantic eyes gazing questionably in morning darkness... I began to re-live my nightmare.

I was happy. It was a nice summer night. I was with a nice young man whose real name I won't mention to keep down real-life drama. So, we'll just call him Londell. So anyways, Londell and I were dating and had been for quite sometime. And like other friday nights, we considered this "date night". We decided to go to Houston's which just so happen to be at the Marriott Hotel. *don't ask why, dreams are just like that*


Him: You gonna wear that?
Me: Yeah. *gazing menacingly at him* Why?
Him: Ummm....because your NOT an AKA.
Me: *Looking down at my bootleg AKA shirt* But I like it. *frowning* Besides...I doubt we'll see any AKA's tonight.
And even if we do, I got a jacket, I'll just hide it.
Him: *sigh* Alright let's go.

FYI
I have NO IDEA why I wanted to wear an AKA shirt. lol I've never really been big into sororities, which is why i never pledged anything. I will admit though...i did go through a phase about 5 years ago where I was really feeling the AKA jackets. hahaha. shoot, they were cute. lol. But i've never ever EVER thought of wearing one. So I have no idea what this is all about. Dreams are weird.

So we go to the Marriott and go into Houston's where there's an incredible wait...so we sit outside the restaurant...(but still inside the hotel) on a small bench... when Raven walks in. Raven was Londell's ex girlfriend. I knew that Raven and Londell still talked...and I was okay with that. However, I wasn't really all that comfortable around her. She was much older and bigger than I was and I always felt like somehow she tried to use that to her advantange when dealing with my man.

Raven: hey.... Londell? *she says jiggling her way over towards us*
Him: hey...HEY Raven! *hugs her* How are you?
Me: *swiftly closing my jean jacket to hide my AKA shirt. Did I mention that Raven is an AKA?*
Raven: Hey Sway *smiling...but not really happy to see me*
Me: * looking away* Hey.
Londell & Raven simultaneously: So what are you doing here?
*laughter*
Me: *eye rolling*
Londell: Well me and Sway was finna eat. *pointing at our Houston's seat waiting device*
Raven: Oh.. okay. Yeah.. I'm up here for the AKA conference. * pointing down by the foyer to the numerous pink and green shirts, hats, bags, etc. proudly worn by what seems like 50+ women.*

I became nervous and swiftly looked down at myself. My boobs were too big to fully close my jean jacket over the bright green AKA letters on my chest. I knew that Raven knew that I was not apart of their elite group. I knew she had seen it. Darn.
Suddenly not feeling so well, I got up and faced the restaurant as to turn my back on her and her friends.

...so why don't ya'll come say hi?

I heard her say. My eyes locked with Londell's. He looked at me as to say.. "I TOLD yo' silly behind not to wear that ish"
He saw my fear and declined her offer. She shrugged non-chalantly and said her farewells. As she trotted back to her friends. I felt relieved. Until I saw them all looking at me.

Minutes later, I saw them making their way towards us. I grab Londell's hand and said, "let's go... NOW!"
Before he could even ask "why?"... he saw the tight-faced girls walking briskly towards me.
"Ooo-oo-oo- okay, gotcha" He says sensing what was about to happen.

I was about to get my behind LIT! I'm too pretty for a beat down. I remember thinking.

We began walking toward the door, but before we could make it out, they surrounded me. He threw me the keys and told me to run and get in the car.
As I scrambled to pick up the dropped keys, they rushed me. Fortunately for me, my small frame was able to maneuver out of the pile of angry women and make a dash for the car. Londell was still behind me trying to hold off as many of the women as possible. I called to him to meet me down the street where I'd pick him up...and with that, I pushed the revolving doors and fled.

The night air was refreshing...sucking in all i could, i began jogging towards the parking lot. My heartbeat was slowly turning back to normal as I got farther away from the hotel. I crossed the street and walked briskly into the Publix parking lot. I'd never been so happy to see his car. I got in and saw him running out trying to find me. I crank up the car and hurriedly try to drive over to him. Then I remembered.... I can't drive a stick. Between jerks and cut offs, I'm slowly making my way down the steep parking lot when a policeman flashes his lights at me. I was fairly relieved because I knew that he'd be able to help us.

Police: Hey lady, got a problem here?
He said as he tapped his flashlight on my car door. He looked as if he was in his mid 30's. Smooth skin, Caucasian, very well built. His dark hair shined from his flashing lights behind me. I didn't think of it as weird that he had on sunglasses...at night. But maybe I should have.

Me: uh yes officer. Thank you. *sighing with relief* I can't drive a stick and I need you to help me. My boyfriend's down there *pointing towards the hotel* And I really need to get to him. Can you help me?
I found myself saying.

He looked at me with a broad smile said, "Well you've come to the right person, I can sure help you learn how to drive a stick."

And with that...he pushed me into the passenger seat and proceeded to tear off my AKA shirt. He didn't even bother to close the door. With one swift swoop, he pulled my legs towards his body and positioned himself on top of me. The stick shaft pierced my lower back as he forced himself on top of me and maneuvered my jeans off. My voice was muffled by his large shoulder blades. No one could hear me scream. I reached for my cell phone and screamed Londell's name to activate my voice command option. I had no signal. The policeman snatched the phone away from me and threw it behind him onto the ground. His devious smile scared me as he mouthed the words..."just let it happen".

I woke up to darkness. No cop. No cell phone. No Londell. No Raven. No AKA t-shirt. Nothing...but a fierce pain in my lower back.



I think I have trust issues.

That's the only thing I've came up with since this morning when I awoke from this dream. I've had numerous dreams about rape but only one other dream I can think of that disturbed me as much as this one... and it same basic elements: me being betrayed/raped by someone I think is going to help me.

That was the worst feeling about those dreams. Moreso than the actual rape itself. My heart literally drops while i'm sleeping when my dream takes the turn where I'm thinking someone is gonna help and then they turn on me. Well that's what i got out of it.

But what i DON'T understand is why i'm having that dream now? Is it a premenition of what's to come? Is it my shaky past resurfacing because i never dealt with it? Is it a prophetic dream for someone else? Is it the late night dinner I had at Gladys Night's Chicken and Waffles? What is it? If only i knew...