So today is hump day and I’m feeling pretty good. Despite this big gash I somehow acquired on my hand this morning, I’m feeling wonderful. I’m still trying to figure out how I cut myself today. All I remember is, I was turning onto I-20 at Wesley Chapel this morning and I saw blood trickling down my right hand. It was kinda scary because it caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting to look down and see blood. So I got a paper towel out the glove compartment and wrapped it around my knuckles to stop the bleeding until I got to work and got a chance to put some antiseptic on it. *looking at my hand now* It still looks kinda bad, like I got in a street fight or something. What’s really working my noodle now is HOW could I get such a bad cut and not remember it? My mind MUST have really been focusing on something crazy.
I think I was trying to figure out my dream from last night. I’m one of those people that actually try to find meanings in my dreams. Honestly, most of the dreams I vividly remember are so disturbing and clear that they need no interpretation. But this one, well some of the details are kinda sketchy however, I’ll try my best to interpret the part I was thinking about this morning.
I was writing yesterday about the “journey” that has just ended in my life. Well this “journey” was with a nice person I’ve affectionately called “BG”. BG and I have been kicking it for a little over 2 months now and while I thought that there may have been more of a future than just these last 2 months….it was recently confirmed that our ride pretty much stops here at the friendship level. Hurt… a little, disappointed…yes, mad... not at all. But I think the fact that this entire confusing situation between us has been on my mind lately... is the reason for my dream.
My dream started with (well let’s just say this is the first thing I remember) me driving at like 95mph on a dark street towards BG’s house. I had tears in my eyes and I was having this really funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was determined to get to him. The closer I got to his house, the more my foot became like lead on the gas pedal. I don’t remember getting to his house or going in really, but I remember being in his foyer and hearing his voice talking with some female. I became more nervous because it was 11pm and I hadn’t told him I was coming over. I turn the corner and see him with his back turned towards me in the kitchen. He was still talking to her, and though she was right there, I couldn’t see her because she was blurry. Within 2 seconds of me entering the kitchen, he turns around and slightly jumps because he wasn’t expecting to see me standing in his kitchen, unannounced, at 11pm with tears in my eyes. After his initial surprise, he suddenly grew angry. I guess because he realized the reality of the situation. So he said “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call fir…” and before he could finish “going off” on me, the tears that had welled up in my eyes began to fall. I knew I was wrong for just “showing up”…but I didn’t want the first words out of his mouth to be so negative. A simple, “Are you okay” or “what’s going on, what’s wrong” would have sufficed and eased the knots in my stomach. But he wasn’t really concerned with that. He, with good reason, wanted to know why I was there and hadn’t knocked, or called, or anything. I couldn’t talk. Well I tried, but nothing came out but tears… and in between sobs I ran to him and hugged him tight and said that “I just needed a hug… and you were the only one I knew that can hug me and make me feel safe” So I stayed there with my arms wrapped around his waist and my head pressed against his chest so tightly I could hear the blood circulating in and out of his heart. But he didn’t hug me back. I cried and I held him, but he just stood there… looking at her. The blur in the corner. I can’t remember if he finally hugged me back or not…but that part of my dream really got to me. BG and I are friends. Good friends honestly. Even though the “relationship” part of our journey is over, I still see him as one of my closest friends. So, WHY would I just barge over to his place like that? In real life, I’d never just drop over someone’s house like that. ESPECIALLY not at no 11pm. Shoot… aint no telling who’s up in there and what they’re doing. And WHY wouldn’t he hug me back? Even if he WAS mad at me, as a friend, why wouldn’t he just hug me back…especially after seeing what kinda state I was in. Another thing that bothered me that he was the only one I felt I could call on to ease my anxiety. All these friends I supposedly have, why was he the only person I could get a hug from? I really wanna know what this dream is about. Any takers? I dunno ya’ll .. I told you… sometimes I be taking this dream thing to a WHOLE nother level. lol I almost asked BG about it this morning…like it really happened or something. lol I guess it really got to me this morning to the point that I darn near chopped my hand off and didn’t even know it. lol.
Oohh… man, lemme tell you about what happened to me yesterday! *holding my head down and shaking it* Ugh this is so freakin embarrassing. Aight... *sigh* I go to LA fitness about 3-4 times a week after work, right. So on Tuesdays, I go to the Cardio Kickboxing class, which is pretty fun…and it gives me a great workout. There’s this little short stalky black guy named Ricardo that usually teaches it. Well yesterday he was out so we had a sub, who apparently didn’t get the memo that this was KICKBOXING class not JUMPING JACKS, JUMPING ROPE, AND RUNNING class. So she’s running in the classroom talking about “okay class, lets do 480684383 jumping jacks after we jump rope for 34938437 minutes.” So you know, I’m like, aight, honestly all this jumping isn’t really for me. So I’m frowning up and shifting my weight from one leg to the other trying to figure out how I’m gonna do all that for the next hour and 15 minutes.
sidenote:For those of you all that have actually SEEN my physical makeup you would agree that me jumping up and down could cause me to accidentally punch my own eye out. (lol)
Anywho… Sway doesn’t run, she doesn’t do jumping jacks, and she doesn’t jump rope… even though she likes to …she just CAN’T. (you know it’s serious when I began talking about myself in 3rd person. lol) But err… *looking around* yesterday, um... I was feeling a little intimidated by all these people hopping all around me like it wasn’t NOTHING and it was very EVIDENT that I would stand out if I didn’t just go along with the routine. So I began doing my jumping jacks. *BIG MISTAKE* At first, I’d stop after about 10 of them and hurriedly adjust my sports bras to contain “all of me”. Then I’d continue on. The jump roping and running part was not as bad as the jumping jacks. Even though I looked like a COMPLETE RETARD trying to run in place with my hands all close to both sides of my chest, it actually did help stop all of the “extra movement”. So about 10 minutes before class is over, I’m feeling pretty good about making it that far through the workout and I was also tired from all that jumping, so I began to let my guard down a little. Well we’re running and my hands are suddenly dropping a little lower and the extra movement began to start. So I stop running. Simple right? Well she was like.. “okay… last set of jumping jacks lets goooooooo”… so after my quick breather from running and a fast glance at the clock I figure, okay, I’m on home stretch now. I’m gonna give it all I got. So there I was, jumping high, working it out. When all of a sudden, “plop” …my goodies decide that they didn’t want to stay in the jar any more. The right one just decided it needed some air and without my permission , it went on ahead and let itself out. I was SOOOOO friggin embarrassed!! It came out mid air and by the time I landed on the floor and it came crashing down too, I had the most terrified look on my face. So I bent over really fast, put the baby back in its crib, force two quick coughs (hoping people thought I just bent over cuz I had to cough)… and turned around and left class. I have no idea if anyone saw…but the 3 of the 4 walls in the class are mirrors and the 4th surface is the window and glass door to rest of the gym. So there was NO hiding. lol.. Ugh.. I’m going back tonight. I think I need a wig and some shades or something just in case someone saw me. lol. I definitely don’t wanna be know as the flasher.
Oh well.. it happens I guess. I’ve learned my lesson. Lol. Alright I’ve rambled enough. I gotta get back to working. Gone.
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