Feeling Funny

I guess I am a moody person. Most people don't see the changes. I guess only those people who are extremely close to me do I feel comfortable enough with to truly let my guard down around. To be honest, it's about 3 people in this world right now that I can say fits that bill. And only 1 person that I can think of to date that have seen all sides of me, and that person isn't even in my family.

I guess it's because I'm always so happy, and free-spirited, and chipper, so most people would never imagine that I have problems, or get depressed. They can't fathom that I have been through some difficult situations. They don't see the pain inside. I guess I like it that way. I never want to be thought of as melancholy. Yet on the flipside, it kind of irks me when there IS something bothering me, but I can't let it out because everyone EXPECTS Sway to be in good spirits at all times.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything now. It's just that lately I've been thinking alot about the people in my life and how some of them really stiffle me as a person. I don't mind being put in a box...what i do mind is when you label that box wrong... or when the box isn't big enough to contain me. I think it's time for me to do some cleaning. I really need to rid myself of some of the people I associate with. I don't mind people looking to me for an ego stroke, or an encouraging word, or a listening ear... Lord knows that's my calling. lol. I've been told by many many people that I have a extraordinary gift of making people feel special. (though sometimes it has gotten me in some major trouble) But what happens when the ego stroker/word giver/listening ear needs a listening ear/a word given/a stroked ego? It's amazing how there's no one around to reciprocate the things you give. I have a lot of love and energy inside that's bursting to come out, but i've realized that freely giving without any receiving makes for a "burnt out" individual. I'm starting to feel that burn out. I'm starting to feel the effects of pouring my life's energy into everyone, but not ever getting that energy back. It's like... i dunno.. like spending a millionaire's outcome with a McDonald's income. Who does that? Who would go spend $1000 a night to sleep in a hotel when they only make $300 a week? I've realized, that's pretty much what i've been doing with myself...i've been giving myself away and not receiving nothing comparable to what i've given. So as of today, I'm going to start gently removing the leeches from my person. Everyone that sucks the life out of me, i will no longer be available to. I need to stay around people who will help build me up. Positive people... people who can speak life into me. Hopefully this time next month, I can happily say that my life is purified of all those who don't add to me in some way.