At this Big Age...

I'm 44 now and I'm finally starting to come into my own.

I feel like I've grown more these last 2 years then I have my entire life. Here's what I've realized.

• I don't know myself. As much as I have worked on myself over my adult life... I've learned that I don't know ISH! I've done things that I never thought I'd do. And I've stopped things that I always thought I'd do. I have been challenged with real life choices that went against my beliefs. I've had my paradigms shifted by new and different information and experiences. I realized how closed I was to ideas and ways of life that didn't align with what I thought was successful, or perfection, or moral. I've been stretched, challenged, and tested. Some I passed...some I failed. Life has its way of humbling you. But what I've learned is that I should never judge anyone else and their experiences. I also learned that there's a process to BECOMING ME. I haven't arrived. I don't know who I am fully because I'm not done evolving yet. I don't know myself yet. I only know aspects of me. I am still developing...even at this big age.

• The key to happiness is learning to accept. I've always had trouble with not being in control or in the know. I feel most at peace when I'm in control. When I know what's going on, I feel like I can influence things and make ISH happen. I feel lost and out of sorts when I think my hands are tied. But life has taught me that I am not GOD. I don't know it all and I can't control it all. The more I remember this concept and accept that I can't bear the weight of the world, the happier I am. Your thoughts of me... is none of my business. Those million and one problems y'all have...has nothing to do with me. Staying in my lane and accepting that what will be will be...has freed up so much space in my mind and so much cortisol from my belly! lol I can't worry about things I can't control. I accept who people are, what people do, how people move... and adjust accordingly. This has led to much more happiness and less stress!

• Relationships are a teacher. You want to know who you are? Look at your relationships. Every interaction with another human being will tell you more about yourself than anything and anyone else. Look at how you respond, engage, commit, speak, show up, react when things don't go your way, compromise, think, and feel. What kind of parent are you? Boss? Co-worker? Friend? Child? Spouse? Community member? Cousin? Sibling? Do you people say the same thing about you as you say about yourself? Do they all see a different version of you...or is the chatter pretty consistent. Who are you? Look at those around you and you can get a pretty good picture. I've learned that we all have blind spots that everyone else can see but us. Instead of dismissing everyone else as being wrong... I've learned to embrace it and work on that thing they see but I'm not aware of. I ask trusted loved ones how I can be better...and learn from the corrective criticism. Learn from those around you. It'll change your life.

Well I thought I didn't have anything to say...

 I've actually been to this blog several times in the last few years. I just haven't posted anything. Where do I start? Where do I end? Life comes at you fast. There's no way to update all that happens day in and day out without actually posting day in and day out.

So here I am. Not posting... or better put, posting a non-post. Let's see what comes up....

*crickets*

This past 12 months I have experienced a sort of...mid-life crisis. I never thought those were real. I only thought that it happened to 50-year-old white men who were balding and bored with their stay-at-home wives.

I don't have time for a mid-life crisis. I don't have the energy... or the mental space for it. Yet here we are... spazzing the heck out! Internally of course.

On the surface, all looks well. Usher and I are still married. My bonus daughter is now 27. Isn't that the wildest thing you've ever heard? She's older than I was when I started this blog. Mind blowing!

I have a great job, beautiful home, parents are retired and doing well. I get to travel, eat well, enjoy my girlfriends, do what I want basically and yet... I feel unfulfilled.

My birthday is coming up next week. My birthday last year marks the last time I saw my Father-in-Law alive (he died August 3rd), and the last time I received a text from my work bestie (she died August 8th). They made the 3rd and 4th "life changing" deaths I experienced last year. It literally changed me. 

I couldn't stop thinking about all of their lives and how they chose to live...what they did...how they did it.

I felt like I had been shortchanging myself for years. I've been living a safe life on auto-pilot. Waiting for some magical day when something amazing would happen. I took a long hard look at my life and realized how much I lived for others, pleased others, sacrificed for everyone else, and took care of them over myself and my needs. I realized that I didn't do half the things I wanted to do. I didn't even really know what it was I wanted to do.

I cried.

Not like a quick tear flowing cry... but a deep guttural wail... an uncontrollable sob... a cry from the deepest place in my soul...that lasted for days...

Weeks...

Months...

Almost a year. :(

And... I'm still crying. 

No really... I literally came here to post because I can't stop crying at work. I cry about 3 times a week during the middle of the day...to the point I have to go to the restroom or outside just to stop. And I cry about 5 times a week at night in the dark before I go to bed. 

I don't know how to stop it. I feel so empty. So alone. Even with all the wonderful people and support... I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I haven't experienced enough. I'm tired of being the good girl, loyal woman, faithful dependable person who is everything to everyone. 

I don't feel like I get that same energy. 

I know people love me. But it doesn't feel like the same love I give to them. And when I took the time to start looking back on my life and my decisions... I can't stop crying.

I started reflecting on so many different aspects of my life. My childhood took more of a toll on me than I ever realized. Here I was thinking that I was okay, but I'm starting to realize that most of my personality, action, and thoughts are trauma responses. I am an anxious attacher who people pleases because I thought that was how you get love.

My romantic relationships have all been with narcissist who attached to me ... probably because I'm an  empath...and because I exhibited low self esteem tendencies when I didn't even realize it. I don't feel that I have ever been properly loved for who I am... because I didn't even know who I was really.

This past year has been a journey for me. I've been trying to find out who I am and who I want to be.

I started reading books and researching things that have helped me identify how a lot of my life choices were made from fear, hurt, faulty paradigms, generational ignorance, and lack of confidence in myself.

This year I've tried to correct things... and I've made some really great decisions. I've had some hard conversations with my husband, my parents, and myself. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and sat in some uncomfortable seats. 

I've changed. Permanently changed. I can't go back to being the woman I was. She's gone. Whether it's for the better or not is yet to be seen. Because I've also made some really, really bad decisions this past year too. Some of my "corrections" were "overcorrections" and it turned me in a completely different direction than where I feel I should be going. I have regrets...but at the very least... it's nothing that I can't turn back around from. I may take a while, but I'll get to HER. The woman I can be proud of. The woman that I can be confident in and non- apologetic for.

I have faith that I will eventually get to the better!

Right now... just pray for your girl. This mid-life crisis thing is WILD!

Intentional

Look at me being all intentional and stuff! lol

I WILLED myself to remember and write in this blog before the year was out.  So proud that this old noggin remembered and complied!

Of course now that I am here.... ion have anything I actually want to write about. lol  OF COURSE!

Well...this is a start. Let's see if I can make it a three-peat! 

Predictable

Well, if nothing else...

I

AM

PREDICTABLE!

3 year gap between my posts. How predictable! 

I actually thought about the blog in 2020, but then the world changed. What's really important in life became spotlighted during the Pandemic.  You saw the good, the bad, and the ugly of humanity. 

Raw emotions, panic, loneliness, and pain. 

You also saw compassion, peace, togetherness, and reflection.

Nothing but time for many of us to deal with our thoughts and our family.  Thing we swept under the rug... 

For others, it was a time of complete chaos. Healthcare and grocery store workers putting their lives on the line everyday...working unimaginable shifts. Seeing the best and the worst in others...

2020 was a year like no other. 

Politics polarized us. Divided us. Tore friendships. Exposed hearts.

Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor....  Angered us. Broke our hearts. United us and divided us.  Black Lives Matter. 

On top of that we watched our loved ones suffer. Hurt. Die. Loose Jobs. Loose families. Turn to alcohol. Go stir crazy. 

We watched, we prayed, we protested, we hoped. 

Then 2021 came...and we were ready to put 2020 behind us.  

But 2020 couldn't be forgotten.  It had changed EVERYTHING.

I thought about this blog in 2021 too. But I didn't know what to say.  So much had happened. So much was still happening.  Vaccine or nah? Masks or nah? Vacation or nah?  

When will I get my stuff? What's going to happen when unemployment benefits run out? Should I go to the doctor for a check-up or wait some more? Who's going to watch the kids when I return to the office?  

People were dealing with soooo much! How do you write it all in a post...

I know 4 close ladies who got divorced in 2020.  It seemed that all that time to reflect... all that togetherness in the house can expose some things. 

Either it brought you closer or tore you apart... i don't believe 2020 left anyone the same as they were.

I am grateful that Usher and I survived...and thrived. I was blessed to work from home and as an introvert, I loved EVERY MOMENT of that.  Usher actually started his own business during the pandemic and it is still going strong. Thank GOD!! We were blessed to not be negatively impacted by the pandemic and I am so humbled and thankful that our families weren't either.

We lost a fellow blogger last year to COVID. 

FAVE was beautiful.  A friend, a minister of the gospel, a comedian, and a truly talented singer/songwriter. He will be missed and never forgotten.

I lost quite a few people over these last few years. It's sobering to know that I'll loose so many more as the years keep coming.

It makes you think of your own mortality. I've had a few scares these last few years.  I've realized how fragile life is and how precious.  I'm learning to appreciate each and every day... each and every breath. No day is promised. Seize each moment and make a positive difference.

I started by saying that I am predictable.  It's true. I jump from topic to topic... I never proof read, I always come back here. lol

But that's about all that is predictable. Life isn't. The world isn't. Nothing else really is. We must embrace change and try to thrive in the revised plan or we will lose. I pray that you all are still well...still here...and able to maneuver in our new normal. God Bless!

Realizations

Well, Well, Well....

What do we have here?

Around 1 am this morning, I was going through my usual routine of preparing for bed and out of NOWHERE my mind was like....

Perfect Chaos

I hop on the bed, get out my phone and typed in all that I could remember to see if my old blog was still around.

SUCCESS!

For the next hour and a half, I scrolled through the last 10 years of posts, wondering where the time went.  I had several Aha! moments during that time.

1.   I seem to be averaging a comeback every 3 years. *SMH* I don't know why its so hard for me to remember this space.  I love what I have here. I realize how much I haven't recorded that I would have liked to, but I am also grateful to have memories and accounts of other random things.

2.  Something else I realized last night this morning while scrolling through posts. I HAVE VISITORS!  OMG....ya'll I felt so bad when I realized that people actually still read my posts even after I fell off.  Ya'll were still commenting and I had NO IDEA.  The last few years I logged on, wrote my post, and never looked back! *sigh*

First off, I wanna say SORRY! lol  I'm a horrible blogger!  A part of why I stayed up so long              reading was because I wanted to go through your comments. Thank you all for the encouraging          words and dedication to my journey!  I guess it is better late than never! I am hoping that I can            remember before 2021 that I have a blog and start back writing more than I have been.

Do I say that every time? lol

My bad.  I do have good intentions.  I just genuinely forget that I'm a blogger for days...weeks         months...years...

But I always come back. :)   Hopefully you all are still here. :)

3.  I tend to remember my blog around this time of year.  I read a lot of posts referencing my Dad's      birthday, which is actually next week. *shrug*  Maybe this old noggin is not so random after all.        Speaking of my dad, this birthday is extremely special because he is about 4 months CANCER            FREE! What a strong, beautiful man he is!  I so proud of him and how he fought through fatigue        and pain, while still working and teaching Sunday School at his Church.  That man is definitely a        blessing to me. His life is a testimony of how faithful God is and how to go through life's                    adversities like a BOSS!

4.  I am such a scatterbrain! lol  I'm also not that great at proofreading. *smh*  I could hardly concentrate because I kept saying to myself, "that is spelled wrong" and "what was I trying to say here?" lol  I admit, I just get on, type, and hit post.  I rarely proofread anything.  Ya'll were probably like, "this poor girl can't type for sh*t!" lol

Anyways... I'm glad to be back.

Usher and I are still married.  It will be 7 years in September.  Can you believe it?  We over here living well and thriving and ish!  I realize how blessed I am that it all worked out. I look back on our journey and am amazed at how different our relationship is now.

I realize now that I met Usher fresh off a broken engagement....and he was fresh off of a divorce.  We were each looking for something different. I wanted to get married after being so close.  He wanted to play around after being married for 10 years FRESH outta high school.  Despite our differences, but both found ourselves in something that neither of us were quite happy about.  Years later he confessed that he knew he wasn't ready for commitment and marriage after being hurt the way he was by his first divorce, but didn't want to let me go because he knew I was a rare find *not to toot my own horn, but "toot" lol*

I told him that was selfish of him to string me along for so many years.  But I was dealing with my own insecurities and fears.  After being left with no explanation really, I just wanted someone to stay. I just wanted to be chosen and kept....even though it wasn't the relationship I felt I deserved.  We were co-dependent and dysfunctional for many years.  It took me a long time to realize it.

I had a heart to heart with him when I turned 30.  I had given him 5 years of my life and I was finally ready to say "Sh*t or get off the pot".  I loved him with everything I am, but something about 30 made me want to get my entire life together.  I told him how I felt.  I told him that I felt like he used me financially.  I didn't think he loved me.  I felt like we were both settling because we were both hurt by someone leaving us.  I told him that I can't love him for the both of us.  I told him that if he doesn't show me the love I feel I deserve, then we should move on.

After 5 years of dilly dallying.  He realized that I was right.  He admitted he took advantage of my kindness initially.  He admitted his hate for women after what his ex did.  He admitted he was afraid to go all in, so he kept sabotaging this relationship. For the first time, we had an open and honest conversation about a lot of things.

He said that I was wrong about his love though.  He loved me. He didn't want to break up.  He wanted to take things to the next level and move in together.  He wanted the opportunity to show me that he can be a provider and protector.  He wanted a do-over.

I gave it to him.

It's amazing how different a man can be when he's all in.

Now, we're in our 7th year of marriage...13 years together.  Of course we are still who we are. Yin and Yang.  Not everyday is perfect. We still have fundamental differences that we argue about, but when I say this thing did not work out the way it was supposed to and I am so BLESSED it didn't!  We were NOT supposed to work.  But we do.  We are perfect for each other.  I've grown so much with him and he's grown so much with me. 

He got his grown man on and I love it!

Ain't no jumping from odd job to odd job BIH! He got a good job with life insurance and a 401K!

Ain't no putting his boys before me BIH!  He's home chilling with me...enjoying the good life we've built!

Ain't no laziness BIH!  He cutting grass and fixing floors!

Ain't no taking advantage of his lady BIH! He bought me a brand new Benz and is helping me pay off my student loans!

When I say this man has changed his tune and put his money where his mouth is! I am extremely pleased with his progress and his dedication.

Does he still do dumb ish? Yep. lol

Does he need to work on his romance? Fa' Sho!

Will I prolly be back on here venting about what he did?  No doubt!

But I am a living witness that prayer changes PEOPLE and things.  The good far outweigh the bad in our marriage and I have no one but GOD to praise for that.

Sorry this whole post was about Usher. lol

I do have other things going on... but they'll have to wait.  I gotta finish up some work.  I think I'm going to do something different this time around.  I'm going to send myself a reminder on my calendar to come back next week and write.  Let's see if that works! lol

Until then....


ps. I didn't proofread this either so sorry for any typos!

Chaos Perfected

So....it took me FOREVER to remember how to log into blogger.  It keeps wanting me to link with Google and I REFUSE to do that. 

Nope.

No traffic is needed here!  I love having a place I can come and spew out any little thought that passes through this noggin of mine. 

Earlier this year I read through some of my posts and was astonished.  I never realized how young, naïve, and immature I was. lol  I couldn't believe that I felt and thought the way I did.  It's amazing how one can grow and change.

Nevertheless, I appreciate having a tangible way of accessing some of my memories from years past.  I'm so grateful for the experiences and wisdom that life has given me over the years! 

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday and I couldn't be happier!  Not because everything is perfect in my life...but more so because I've finally learned to accept things as they are and celebrate the moment.  I feel as though I used most of my vibrant twenties trying to catch love and be hostage to it.  I wanted so badly to be married and have kids....to move out on my own...to loose weight...to "start life" for a lack of a better term.  Of course now I realize that I wasted so many years looking ahead and wishing instead of enjoying the present that laid before me.  Oh if I could turn back the hands of time! *sigh*


Life has taught me that I'm not in control of anything except my reactions to situations in life. 

I've had so many friends pass away around my age that my own mortality frequents my thought more than I would like.  Of course my first reaction is to shake it off.  But the reminder does help me realize how short life can be.  It forces me to be grateful for every single moment on this earth.  It makes me appreciate where I am and what I have.  Living in the moment has helped me embrace the chaos around me and look at it for what it is.  No need to worry.  Experience has taught me that God will always take care of me.  I'm perfecting my perception of chaos and I couldn't have done a better thing for myself! :)


I've decided that I won't apologize for not blogging.

In the past, I'd scold myself for not recording more of my life and giving more updates as I once did.  But I realize that I'm often too busy living to stop and record every little detail.

I've also decided I will never stop blogging.  Finding these posts have inspired me to continue living, learning, experiencing, and growing. Whenever BlogSpot comes across my mind, I hope I can find a way to remember my password and just post whatever I'm feeling that day...that year... that moment. 

Today....it's gratefulness. 

Fullness.

Peace.

Until next time.

Time is flying, but my eggs are chillin

It's amazing how time flies! I started this blog over 10 years ago.  I had just started working at the Cancer place.  I was young, cute, single, and BORED outta my mind. lol

Now, I barely have time to remember that I have a blog. lol  I guess blogging in this manner has kinda went out of style with Twitter and Instagram keeping everyone involved in everything....at all times.
Surprisingly, I refuse to be a part of either! lol  I like the anonymity of blogging.  Being exactly who I am and telling all my business, but not having anyone really "know" me.

I guess it's my therapy. Letting out what I don't say in real life.  Telling stories not everyone knows about me. Being free to be me!

I realize now that I'll never be into blogging like I was 10 years ago.  However, I'm so glad to have this blog and to see where I was and how I felt at certain times in my life.  I hope to post SOMETHING for as long as I'm alive...just to leave my little piece of legacy.

My two cents.

A glimpse of someone passing through this world.

So much has changed over the last few years.  Usher and I are still married and I'm so glad i didn't give up on that knuckle headed security guard I didn't really like in the beginning. HA!
You never know how life will twist and turn.  I'm happy.  We're happy together.  I don't regret any of it. Not even the breakup. :)

Our biggest challenge right now is fertility.  Specifically speaking...my fertility.

I've had 2 miscarriages over the years with Usher and they've been devastating.  I so desperately want to create a child from our love together, but that's proving to be harder than expected.  I went to see a specialist after the last one to see what may be happening and I got even worse news.

My tubes are blocked.  Huh??
Apparently, although I HAD two miscarriages (which means I got pregnant), I can't actually get pregnant because the test showed that my Fallopian tubes are both completely blocked.

Someone PLEASE explain that to me? lol

How is it that I come for one thing and leave with another problem that contradicts the initial problem altogether?!?

Anywho... the doc does an ultrasound and thinks that my fibroids may be the cause of the blocked tubes and suggests I get them removed.

So last year I had a successful myomectomy.  We re-tested my tubes after my surgery and found them to still be blocked.  The doctor waited a couple of months later for one last test before suggesting IVF and found that they were open.  Hallelujah!!  So now I'm thinking....YAAAAAAAS!  It's about to go down!

Well it's May and guess who's still not pregnant!  *raising hand*

I'm so frustrated although I know it's in God's hands.  It's just hard to see something that's so easy for everyone else, be such a struggle for me.  I know this is our test and ultimately our testimony, so I'm trying to stay positive and believe that God will do it! But I'll be honest, it's not easy to keep the faith.  After all of this, I've been charting and taking ovulation tests as directed by my doctor and the tests don't show that I'm ovulating!  WHAT!!!

Lord Help! Take the wheel!

What a miracle baby this will be and what a story to tell when we finally have a little one.

Through fibroids, adenomyosis, myomectomies, blocked fallopian tubes, and anovulation, I believe I'm going to get pregnan. Then once I get pregnant I believe I'll have a healthy baby...even through low progestrone, repeated miscarriages and a high risk pregnancy due to age and PCOS.  WHAT A MIRACLE HE OR SHE WOULD BE to overcome all of that to get here.

I'm ready to tell that testimony!  Keep us in your prayers!

Clumsiness

Woo-hoo!  I'm blogging and it hasn't even been a month since my last post!  That is definitely progress. *cheesing and doing the wop*

So yeah... I really don't have much to say.  Just thought I'd get myself in the habit of logging on.  I keep forgetting my password.   I was completely lost for a while.

FALLING

Today I call myself doing my power walk.  I've gained so much freaking weight that I've re-joined the gym and started walking after lunch for about 15-20 minutes at work.  Well today I decided to walk outside since its like...65 degrees outside.  Absoulutely beautiful!  Anywho... I'm walking around my work campus and feeling pretty good.  I go to jog up the stairs on my way back into the building and whap out of nowhere I stumble on the top stair and fall TO THE GROUND! Oh my!  That HURT. I can't remember the last time I scraped my knee.  I'm waaaay too old to be falling on the freakin concrete stairs.  You know my knee gonna be all sore tomorrow. lol

I don't know if I was more embarrassed or hurt.  I have no idea if someone saw me because the building has those reversible mirror looking walls.  You can see out...but looking in just looks like a mirror.  I tried my best to get up real quick, but my daggone knee and hand was hurting like crazy.  Oh... I'm too old for this ish.  And how the heck do you fall UP the stairs as a grown woman?  Really me?  Really?!?

So I get up and act like I'm not hurt.  Go in the building and head straight up to my floor.  When I get back to my desk, I look at my knee and there's a big bloody gash on the right one. 

GREAT!

How am I gonna be sexy for Valentine's day with a big bloody gash on my knee?  And I know it won't be gone by then because...


HEALING

I have diabetes.  :(  Yep.  I was diagnosed like January of 2011.  I'm not to the point where I have to take insulin or multiple meds.  But I am on one pill a day...which is one pill more than I want to take.  So... you know... I'm managing.  Trying to get healthy.  The hardest part is... all of it.  The stereotypes from others, the weight management, exercise, the "diet".  Blah!  I've been trying my best to eat right and work out and I've gained 5 freakin pounds.  What's up with that!

Okay...well I'm on my way home now to see if Usher will take care of my boo-boo and drive us to the gym. 

I still gotta work it!

Laters, baby :)

PS.  I love 50 shades of Grey. :) 

Peepin In

Hello?

*Dusting off cobwebs*

Wow…you’re still here blog?  I was sure that blogspot would have deleted you by now.

Okay…I won’t make myself feel guilty about not writing since April of last year.  But like an old lover…this blog crosses my mind from time to time.  Of course I have to say hello when it does.  So here I am.  Hello! *waving* 

Well ya'll know how I do.  I give some quick updates and then I'm out...so let me get it started.

Committing

So Usher and I are finally official. *yay!*  We got married last September and it was such a beautiful day!  I still smile every time I see our picture.  It’s great to have good memories for those days when I come home from work and he’s sitting on the couch with his feet on the table, scratching, burping and asking me what’s for dinner. *rolling my eyes*  Okay maybe I’m embellishing just a little…but I will say that marriage is definitely not a fairytale.  Am I happy?  ABSOLUTELY.   But I’m also glad that I didn’t get married in my 20’s.  I needed all that time to enjoy doing nothing when I got home from work.  Living with someone is definitely different than just dating them and seeing them a few days out of the week.  Sheesh!  It's definitely an adjustment.  And it's not all bad...don't get me wrong.  It's just different.  I'm finding out things about myself too.  Like... I had no idea that I had as many pet peeves as I do.  I'm turning into my mother. *smh*  But on a good note, I'm also learning that I really am grateful for my girlfriends.  Now that I'm married, I want to hang out with them even more. lol  Sometimes you need a little emotional support and understanding that seems to elude even the best husbands. :)  

Cooking

So yeah… I’m not feeling this cooking thing. L  No matter how much of a renaissance woman you tell your man you are… or how much he swears he cares nothing about whether or not you can cook... they all still expect you to fall into that role at some point.  BOOO!  I hate it, hate it, HATE IT.  Not quite as much as I hate the gym….but a good second.  I’m not a terrible cook.  I actually do pretty well, but as a woman in my thirties whose gotten used to doing what she wants to do when she darn well pleases, it’s hard to follow the routine of work, cook, clean, sleep, every day.   Okay…3-4 times a week.  I don't want to make well balanced meals all the time.  Some days I just want a taco and some cereal.  Some days, I don't wanna even eat anything.  Yet I find myself in the kitchen with my little apron on.... baking...frying...sautee'ing.  Chopping....mixing....whipping.  Blah!

I know, I know… I’m whining.  I should just suck it up.  Everyone tells me that eventually I’ll get used to it and may even start enjoying it.  I’m still waiting for that.   We’ll see.

Winning

So ya’ll know you’re girl is SUPER TURNT (yeah I said turnt) UP about my squad this year.  It’s Falcons Central at my house!  Usher’s crazy butt has been getting rich off of these games.  He’s been betting folks left and right since the beginning of the season that the Falcons would have a better record than the Eagles and the Patriots, and would win against everyone we play.  Luckily for us, as the season progressed, no one wanted to bet him on Tampa Bay, and the Panthers so we didn’t lose any money when we lost those games.  And also lucky for us... he's been making out like a fat cat.  This past week, he made a good #150.  I AM HYPE!  We have Falcons flags flying all over the house.  The guest bathroom is fully decorated in Falcons paraphernalia.  It’s great to have that common bond with the hubby.

So you know it was CRAZY at our house last week.  We were A-town stomping all over the tables during the first half of the game against Seattle.  Then we both almost had heart attacks during the 4^th quarter. You have to have a strong heart to roll with the Falcons.  Hopefully they’ll kick some butt against the 49ers this weekend.

Wow… my fingers are really tired and I haven’t even began to write about everything I want to say. L

How did I used to do this? *sigh* 

Well… I won’t promise to be back this year since you can see my track record… but hopefully I will.   And if I don’t touch back again…HAPPY NEW YEARS! lol

Ya Girl is here!

YAY! I finally got in. I totally forgot my user name and password for this thing. lol

Well hello there blog. It's been almost a year and I haven't so much as thought about you. It's crazy because there was a time where I would post a few times a day...or at least think about posting a few times a day. Now, I'll be doing good if I can remember I even have a blog and post again this year. *sigh* I always miss it when I finally do get around to posting. Then I vow to post soon and the next thing you know, months (or years) have went by.

So let's see, I have 4 minutes before I get off work. I'll try to make this short and sweet.

Reversing

So yeah, all that weight I bragged about losing.... I found it again. :( I'm back in the gym, but my body isn't responding as well as it did last year. Could be the stress I'm under this year. I got alot going on with work, with this new outside organization I'm in and with planning a...

Wedding

Yup, Usher and I are finally engaged. We have set the date for Sept 22nd and all this wedding planning is stressing me OUT! It's hard to ball on a budget. And I found out that i'm in the wrong industry. The big money is in swindling happy bride to be's out of all their hard earned money just so they can have a fairytale day. *sigh*

I'll try to keep you posted.

Welp...time's up. Holla!

Who dat!

Well helloooooooo blog!

It seems as if it's been ages since I had a desire, the time, and substance to write. With that being said, there's no way I can begin to update you on everything that has happened since I last wrote. 30 has proven thusfar to be wonderful. :) In a few weeks I'll be celebrating my birthday again and I'm really excited. I sincerely enjoy the wisdom that comes with each year of experience. Anywho... I figure I'll dabble in a few topics and see where my mind flows.

Shacking
First and foremost, would you believe that Usher and I are living together? Wait...can you believe first of all that we're still together? lol It's been what...5-6 years? Wow! Time really is flying right on by. Now back to this shacking thing. I don't know what happened to my morals. lol You KNOW my parents almost had a full grown deer when I told them I was moving in with Usher. It was just something about being 30. I've always had this idea that when I'm thirty, I'll finally be "really grown" and I was gonna do what the heck I wanted to do. My first order of business was to see what was up with Usher. I figured we'd move in...see what it's like...then I was gonna be like..."aight homie, time to put a ring on it."
So far it's going really well. I'm still freaked out about having to share my bed, so we don't sleep together. I thought that he was gonna think that was weird but he's totally cool with it. We both still have our space, while still sharing space. It's the best of both worlds if you ask me! Speaking of sharing my bed...

Terrorizing
I am so terrified that I have somehow acquired bed bugs. No, I haven't seen them...or the nasty fecal matter they show on pictures on the internet. But I promise you something is up. 3-4 times a week I wake up with hive-like whelts or mosquito looking bumps. Sometimes there are red spider looking bites on me or small bumps. I dunno what the heck is going on, but I know I'm sharing my bed with something. I've shaken out my bed, flipped the mattress up and looked super hard. I wake up at three in the morning, click the lights really fast and look on my sheets and see ....NOTHING.
Usher thinks I'm crazy. Apparently, he's not getting bit. Even when he comes to sleep in my room when I'm not there. So I guess I'm just making up pretend bites huh? I literally have a hard time sleeping because I really think the bed bugs ware coming to get me. I hate being itchy and swollen. Ugh!

Slimming
On a good note, I've been losing weight! *insert numerous applause and accolades* That's right, your girl has been hitting the gym all year. I'm still big...but I'm looking better and better in my clothes. lol I have about 22 more pounds to go before I'm satisfied. Wish me luck!

Working
Did I tell you I got a new job? Hooray! I'll be honest, it's not as cushy as the cancer place. I actually have to work here. *sheesh* But it's a good honest living. I'm grateful for it too. I've officially been here since the beginning of the year. There's this one chick that needs a good backhand to the face, but other than that, I like it here. Hopefully I can stay here until I'm ready to leave. Here's hoping!

Until next time...

New Year in June!

Happy New Years!

Okay, maybe not...but it's the first time I've even BEEN on this blog since 2011 started. What happened? I remember coming to read/write/peruse blogs many times a day. Now it's a miracle if I remember that I have one. Life has definitely changed. Unfortunately I can't talk about it now because I'm super busy at work. But I just wanted to say HELLO BLOG! I'll try not to forget about you. I'll be back to write soon. I have so much to tell. Bye!

30

Can you believe that I'm 30?? Me! The big Three- Ohhh.

I'm older than my parents were when they had me. And they were old.

I'm older than my 6th grade teacher was when she taught me. And she was old.

I'm older than any of the ages I used to put down on my MASH game.

Do you remember MASH?

I still like to play that game sometimes. It's amazing how over the years, your occupation, husband, income, children, and car choice all change. The older you get, the more you realize that 70,000 isn't a whole lot of money. It's a good salary...but c'mon...I'm asking for millions these days. lol And a model as an occupation. Really? I'm 5'2 on a good day. I have no chance. lol

Anywho... lately I've been taking a long look at my life. The good, bad, and ugly. It's true what they say. Somehow, turning 30 has made me want to grow up a bit. No i'm not gonna grow a stick up my butt and stop eating fruit loops. I'm just saying that I'm starting to see things a lot different now. I feel like I've made enough mistakes and lucked up on enough good stuff to know what I'm doing now. I'm finally getting the big picture and thinking about my future. I've finally settled on who I really am and what I really want out of life. I also know exactly what I don't want and won't take anymore. I feel great!

I've only been 3o for 2 months, but Lord knows I forsee greatness in my future. I am open and ready for blessings and miracles. I'm excited about using my past experiences to get me through future setbacks and tests. I just really feel like these next 10 years are going to be the best EVER!

I guess we'll see huh! :)

Another beautiful Friday

I’m missing my man like crazy. He’s in Vegas living it up…but he’s still calling me like 4 times a day. I love it. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m staring at boring grey walls at work, I’d feel almost like I was there with him. He’s keeping me up to date with everything and I love him for it. I’m ready for him to come home though. I miss him a lot.
I need a hug. L

Other than that, I’m in a really good place. Today is my dad’s birthday. Hooray! I soooo love my daddy. He’s a bit depressed because of his whole job situation, but he should be working next week, which is good. Maybe our celebration today, followed by starting work should lift his mood. It’s funny how much we long to take days off when we’re working too many days…and long to work when we have too many days off. Eh. Life is funny that way. During summer, we complain that it‘s too hot…and are ready for cooler days. In the winter, we complain that it’s too cold, and we’re rushing summer again. We are constantly unsatisfied creatures…even when we get what it is we think we want.
I personally think it’s because we’re always trying to fill a void that can’t be filled without spiritual intervention. Anywho… I digress. *stepping off the first step of the soapbox*

I have no idea where we’re going tonight…but it should be fun. And it will take my mind off of Usher.

Today is also my friend Tiff’s 30th birthday. Go Tiff! She has some things planned for us tomorrow. Not sure what…but we can’t go wrong with a girls day. The older I get, the more I enjoy hanging with my girls. I’m just glad I even have girls! I’ve always been kind of a loner my entire life…and the only friends I had was pretty much guys. Of course the older I get…the less guy friends I have. But I’m totally okay with that. Anywho… I’m sure we’ll have a blast celebrating with Tiff tomorrow and before I know it, Sunday will be here.

I have to sing Sunday, which means my late night with Tiff is going to be a mess for me that early Sunday morning. I’ll make it though. I’m glad I can sleep in Monday.

Do you know I’ve been waiting for this holiday for two months!! I miss my friggin PTO days. I’ve had to work 3.5 straight months without it. I think we should invent another holiday to put in between Jan and May so that I can take off from work doggonit!

Speaking of the holiday… I’m definitely praying for the families that have lost loved ones in the Service. May God Bless us all!

Nuthin Much

WEEK ENDING
So I see friday has snuck up on me again.
I am not mad at that. I'm enjoying this role reversal. My week days are flying by and I'm actually able to take my weekends nice and slow. Amazing isn't it? This weekend is probably the last weekend I'll be able to say that. With next week comes a slew of activities. I'm looking forward to them and dreading them all at the same time.


BUDGETING

With the sun making it's wonderful appearance for longer this time of year, everyone and their mama is planning a cookout, a getaway, a b-day party, and yada yada yada. Um... I just got back to working so I'm not really ballin right now. Can we please stay in somewhere and play a relaxing game of Uno? Checkers anyone? All of this clubbing and eating out is wearing my pockets down to the lint. I've been trying to keep to a budget, but I tell you it's hard. Usher's hands are still in my pockets. Sure, when he gets some mula I'm sure to return the favor...but dang chile... I'm trying to save. I did pretty good earlier this year. I had a nice chunk of change. I was so excited. Thinking about how much I could save before my big day. I was super crunk! But then my car had other plans for the money. I spent an obscene amount of my savings keeping my car in good shape. *sigh* Well at least I had it to spend right?

PARTYING
Ya'll know in 2 months, your girl will officially hit the Big Three - Ooohhh! Yup, I am definitely trying to get my grown and sexy on. I've been hype about the upcoming birthday for like...the last 2 years. lol I'm am soooo ready to leave my 2o's behind. Bye bad habits and stupid mistakes. Here I come 30. Improved, Polished, Experienced and ready to go! Lets do it!

Well enough of that. Blogging is tiring. I still have an hour before I get off of work. I need to take a walk around the office and see if I can wake up. Later.

Blogging

Is it 4 o’clock yet? I feel like I’ve been at work for way too long. As much as I love Friday’s because no one is here and I don’t have to do any work, I also realize that I’m really really bored for that same reason…and boredom equals a LONG FRIGGIN DAY!

But it’s all good. I only have an hour and a half to go. I guess I can use this time to do a few updates before jumping right in to the now.

Working
So I no longer work at the Cancer place. After 6 wonderful years… they let pretty much my entire department go. What a sad day. I miss working there. I never knew how cushy I had it until I started looking at other places. I have so many good memories there. I started this very blog while I was at work one day. Man how time flies. I met Usher there too. Yeah we still together. lol What a mess. I don’t know if I could love and wanna run over someone as much as I do him.

Anywho… I was unemployed until Feb. of this year, when I was hired on as a contractor for a Power place. Yup…next time you’re experiencing of a power outage… think of me. Or not. lol

The work here is cool. Don’t see too much potential for friends, but that doesn’t matter as long as the checks keep flowing. Everyone in my department is pretty much off on Fridays (except me of course) so I usually take time to catch up on my gossip, emails, and clean my desk. I guess that’s all I have to say about work.


Dating
As mentioned before… I’m still with ole Usher. Can u believe we’re working on year 5? Woooow! I’m getting old. This relationship has been one heck of a ride. I’m sure there will be more to discuss as the months go by.


Churching
Can you believe that I’m still at that same Church? With the “Pastor”? I can’t. If someone told me that I would still be there…and active…I would have called them a liar and told them their big toe was ugly. Yet…here I am. Still Churching there. I guess the singing got me hooked. I’m on the Praise Team. It keeps me involved and I don’t have time to even think about looking for somewhere else to go. I honestly love being a apart of the Praise Team. I guess that’s why I’m still hanging around. Still don’t like the Pastor that much. She remarried. Did I tell you that? Oh… I have to write about that later. A MESS.


Exercising
No comment.


Gardening
Well, I’ve found a new hobby in gardening. Who knew getting dirt all in your nails and hair while sweat pops of your face and bees buzz around was fun? I learn something new about myself all the time. Last year we had so much fun watching our small pitiful plants bloom into flowering beauties that we decided to do it again. This year I have calla lilies and vincas. *swooning* I luuuuv plants. I’m sure I’ll take some pictures and post them.


Leaving
Okay… I’m tired. I gotta work up to typing the way I used to. My fingers hurt. *frowning*
Till next time…

Re-United

It literally took me 15 minutes to remember what my password for blogspot was. When I was finally granted access to my old blogs, my heart fluttered.

Am I really going to try this again?

Yes. Yes I am!

HELLOOOOOOOO BLOG WORLD! Oh how I've missed you. So much has changed. So much is the same. Both would have made great posts that I could look back on years from now. Nevertheless... I'm trying to pull a Jordan right now. Hopefully my comeback will be smooth and successful. Time, as always...will tell. :)

Later!

Stupid Computer

So I wrote this whole post about my apprehension in my changing attitudes on things and this stupid computer lost it all! Blah! I guess maybe i didn't need to post it anyways.

Well... since i no longer have a post...and I really don't feel like typing anymore. I'll just wish everyone a happy 4th!

MJ

Like so many people, I was one of millions who sat in front of the TV and radio in disbelief yesterday evening. I couldn't believe that MJ passed away. Usher called me around 6:25 ish to tell me to turn to CNN. I almost didn't because I was rushing to choir and dance rehearsals. As I clicked my remote, a wave of shock came over me as I watched them tell me that everyone's favorite entertainer was dead.

It affected me deeply. I rushed to my car and sped to my rehearsals while listening to all the people on the radio talk about how deeply it affect them too. MJ had that kind of effect. His music spoke to the masses.

I remember a few years back one of the stations did a tribute to Michael and my dad and I were watching it. We were watching how people were falling out and crying at his concerts. They loooooved some Michael. My dad turned to me and said, "I wonder how crazy things would be when Michael dies. These people are cutting up over his hat, his socks, his voice....what would happen when he finally goes?"
We didn't know that the day would come so fast.

I felt kinda crazy for crying the way I did yesterday. I mean, I don't personally know him, yet I'm really broken up about it. Shocked by it. It's not as if he was going to live forever, it's just....death is so sudden and final. Waking up and having no clue that today will be your last day on earth. It's an awful awful thing. I just pray for his soul and his family. He will definitely be missed.

All of this death has really made me appreciate each and every day God allows me to see and complete. What a blessing it is to be alive. Oftentimes we get so consumed in our everyday problems that we forget that being alive to have problems is a blessing. I vow to take time each day to appreciate my life and view it as another blessing that the Lord has given me.

Tuesday News

HURTING
Ouch! My arms are aching like nobody's business. I just started back working out because I'm gaining weight again. :( I hate gaining weight. Every time my clothes start snugging up on me, I get depressed and eat more. Then of course I find myself in a vicious cycle of weight gain, depression and over eating. ENOUGH! I got my big booty off the couch yesterday and blasted some music. I was doing a lot of lunges and arm weight stuff yesterday. I definitely feel it in my thighs and arms. I realized that I am definitely out of shape. I was dancing to some of my favorite songs and was very winded by the time they went off. I gotta fix that PRONTO because I just joined the Dance Ministry at Church. I haven't danced in like what... 4 years?? I'm a little nervous about my stamina. At least I'm working on it though.


CELEBRATING
So last Friday Usher and I went to his parent's house to celebrate Father's day a little early. As usual, his parents greeted me as I tried my best to keep my distance from Cody, the family wolf dog. Given my many dreams about being bitten on the hand....you can say that I'm really not too fond of dogs any more. Dinner was great. Usher's sister, Stacey and her boyfriend, Earl brought some takeout from JJ's rib shack and it was slammin! After dinner, I helped the ladies clean up while Usher and his dad went out to play with Cody. Earl looked out the kitchen window as Cody bit Usher on his hand. Uh-huh. I knew that big azz fox dog bite. Last time we were over there Usher gonna bring the dog up to me and tell me to give me his hand so he can show me that the dog wouldn't bite me.
Me: He got teeth?
Usher: yeah...but..
Me: Then he bites. I'm not giving you my hand.
Usher: Come on Sway, trust me. This will help you get over your fear of dogs! Don't you trust me?
Me: I trust you babe. It's dogs I don't trust.

And for good reason too. I exchanged a knowing glance at Usher when he came in the house talking about, "I can't believe Cody BIT me!"

Anywho...the rest of the night was marked by a few games of Dominos and gift giving all while watching Harlem Nights. By the time we left, I was too tired! But on Saturday, I was up bright and early with my mom doing more Father's day shopping for my dad.
We ended up buying him 3 suits (with shirts and ties) and some cologne. Needless to say, he had a great Father's day.

ANTICIPATING
So my birthday is about a month away and already, I'm making plans. My parents and I are supposed to be going to our favorite east coast beach the week before my birthday. Coincidentally, this is the same week Usher's daughter will be in town to visit. I've asked them to come along so I can have all of my "family" with me that week. He wants to go, and told me he'd get back with me by weeks end to say yea or nay depending on if he thinks he can come up with the money for a trip like that. Hopefully he can cuz I really would like for them to go too.

My birthday weekend will be spent with friends. We're going to some cabins in North Carolina to just chill out, have a few mixed drinks...hike maybe...do some girl talking and just enjoying each other's company. I'm excited be able to spend the weekend with all my girls since a couple live out of state, but are meeting us there. It's going to either be a GREAT weekend...or something straight out of a scary movie. 6 girls alone in a cabin.... uh... let's hope for the best. :)