I need it. Not in the “I have cancer” sense thank God. But there is some therapy and healing I need PRONTO. I’m so tired of these games that men play. With each growing day, I grow more and more agitated with the way some guys interact with me. I need to know if it’s me. I need to know what I’m doing wrong. Fellas especially…please read this post and help me out a little. Cause I can’t figure this out. Lemme explain.
I had a crush. He knows who he is…and there is MUCH reference to him in the title of this post. I wasn’t trying to rush into anything and I thought we had an understanding of where we were and what we were doing. We met in blog world, became instant friends and after a few dates it became VERY apparent that we were attracted to each other.
This is a clip of our IM convo a few weeks after the first time we got hot and heavy on a date.
Crush: Can I be real about something?
jazzylady_98: um...sure. please be real.
Crush: Sometimes, I want to ask you to come over to my place to hang out, but considering events of our last "encounter", I'm kinda hesitant....
jazzylady_98: :) hesitant huh? so you think that the same thing will happen if we hung out at your place again?
crush: Do I think it will.....no....but Im human, and so are you, and we are attracted to each other...or at least I think we are....lol:-/
jazzylady_98: lol. well...i'm attracted to you. i'm not sure if you're attracted to me....
crush: I've told you that I am already...remember..see you tryin to pick my brain early this morning
jazzylady_98: and yeah, i do understand what you are saying... i was just wondering what you thought. i sometimes want to hang out and have a movie night or something at your place.... but i do kinda wonder if we're strong enough right now for that...
crush: do you think we are?
jazzylady_98: but see...then again.. it's like... it's getting cold, and i like staying inside...and honestly, it would be much cheaper to do blockbuster nights or ya know...cook at the house or chill, talk etc... Those are the kind of things i enjoy doing in the cooler seasons.... so it's like.... on one hand, i would rather us hang at your place, but on the other hand, I don't want it to lead to things we're not ready for.
crush: Understandable...totally, but I would really miss out on hanging with you though ya know....jazzylady_98: i think that because we're attracted to each other, we're going to crave some kind of physical contact...even if it's just hugging or kissing or cuddling or whatever... i dunno. lol. Which is all fine with me, what I DON"T know is whether or not we will always be strong enough to JUST do those things....
crush: do you think you are strong enough?
crush: do you think its just me who isnt?
jazzylady_98: lol NO. not at all. i've mentioned b4 that i am very touchy feely. i crave closeness...and hugs and kisses....lol. So i think in that respect, I may be much weaker. But i do think that we could keep each other in check though. I honestly believe that when i get weak, you'd be strong and vice versa. It may not work out like that ALL the time, but i think for the most part it would.
crush: And for those "few" times when it doesn't work?? Hmmm....
jazzylady_98: i dunno “Crush”. i really don't. I don't want to NOT ever hang out with you though because of those possible few times where we both may really want more. i just think if we keep the lines of communication open and talk throgh it like last time, maybe we will get through it without doing something.
crush: your suggestions sounds do able....really it does!:D
Alright… that sounded simple enough. We were off to a good start. He’s interested…I’m interested. We’re communicating..trying not to get too hot and heavy too soon. We’re making plans to see each other. The rest of that IM is filled with us making plans to see each other the next day as well as saturday for bowling. Sounds good right. Well we did hang out the next day, things got steamy again...we talked and all was good. But um, that bowling thing… never happened. HE called to say we should take a raincheck on the bowling… I said cool and asked him if he still wanted to hang…he replies…”I’ll see what’s going on and hit you back.” He never did.
Anyways… here is what happened next… we went out after that and we realized that things were still going kinda fast between us and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that…or how he felt about that. So we talked about it at his house one night…and the next day…we have this convo.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: no. why would i be mad at you?
crush: cause of last night....you said that you'd have indifferent feelings in the morning
jazzylady_98: no, i was saying that i didn't know how i'd feel. meaning...how would things be between us now.... and how will i deal with what you do or don't feel.
crush: so how did you feel this morning?
jazzylady_98: i felt like seeing you again. lol
jazzylady_98: i wondered if you'd still act the same towards me...
crush: comon....are you serious?
jazzylady_98: yup. don't act like some people dont change once you let your guard down. lol
jazzylady_98: it DOES happen.
crush: yeah it does happen...but i'd hope that you and I are closer than that
jazzylady_98: i hope so too. so how'd you feel this morning?
crush: was kinda tired this morning, but now that Im up and going, im cool.......i thought about you as well
jazzylady_98: really? what u think?
crush: I thought about how you'd feel about me, or lack there of....thought about the possibilities of a future with lil old sway.......those types of things
jazzylady_98: you think we possibly have a future?
crush: I have in no way ruled that out, lol
jazzylady_98: :) good
crush: what about you?
jazzylady_98: if anything... it's become a stronger possibility. :)
crush: cool : )
jazzylady_98: u blog today?
crush: havent had a chance too....kinda bogged down, lol...but i can chat, just cant pull away to write
jazzylady_98: yeah. same here.
crush: lol...sway's slacking, lol
jazzylady_98: lol. I know, I know. I'll pick it back up. lol
crush: I hope so....that is what drew me to you, lolhahahahah
crush: but I like the "real" you better
jazzylady_98: lol. :)
crush: so I just read your tag....silver lining in my cloud huh?? ;)
jazzylady_98: haha. well...i'm trying to be. :)
jazzylady_98: lol
crush: ohhh...sway's opening up!!
jazzylady_98: shut up. lol
jazzylady_98: i've got a question, if you could only describe me with one word...what would it be?
crush: Glowing!
jazzylady_98: :) wow.
crush: that seemed to encompass everything, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally!
Aight…so we’re talking… he got me blushing… we’re progressing again. Everything seems cool. Even in this convo when I asked him what he thought of me…this is what he had to say…
crush: but back to the convo at hand
crush: I think that your presense is one of the most enjoyable I've ever come in contact with
jazzylady_98: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
crush: I think your smile is plesant to the soul....your companionship is above and beyond words
crush: you trully have an annointed spirit
jazzylady_98: :"> awwww. Crush, that's so sweet. I'm so glad you can't see me blushing right now. lol
crush: Im serious though
crush: I don't know if you and I are meant for each other forever or not...but I enjoy all the time we spend!
Aight. So he and I are still just kinda kicking it. I’m enjoying him…he’s enjoying me. We’re cool. Then it starts going down hill. He’s making dates with me then things “come up”. Telling me he’ll call back and doesn’t. He never struck me as someone who’d lie…especially when he didn’t have to. We weren’t together or anything. But at this point I began to wonder if he wanted to be with me…I had started thinking about moving on.
crush: so I got up this morning and got your message......*ducking* cause I know I messed up!
jazzylady_98: oh yeah. okay.
crush: will you forgive me? please?
jazzylady_98: yeah.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: i'm not really mad no. a little disappointed though...
crush: i had folx in town...who unfortunately had major flight delays....
jazzylady_98: it's all good. ou don't have to explain to me. that's life right. :)
crush: no thats not life....you are sway and Im “crush”...two words that have mean...purpose...feelings behind them
jazzylady_98: true.
crush: but you just sound so dry about it, as if you are upset highly with me
jazzylady_98: i'm not upset with you...i dunno... i have a lot of different feelings right now...though anger...or being upset isn't one of them.
crush: what are they?
crush: I mean this is really the first time where I have "severly" forgotten something with you...honestly~
jazzylady_98: i guess i'm not really sure how i feel right now. i just know that what i do feel...doesn't really feel good. i dunno...i guess i feel confused. *shrug*
crush: about me?
jazzylady_98: and yes.. this is the first time you forgot something. but i guess that's what's so confusing. but honestly... i mean. i don't even mind that too much. i mean, it's a humbling experience to be forgotten about...lol. But i dunno... i guess it's just a few things that's happened already combined with that...that kinda made it seem worse than it probably was.
jazzylady_98: i'm not confused about you no.
crush: then what are you confused about...and it wasn't that I forgot about you, it was that I forgot about "us" getting together......
jazzylady_98: i'm confused moreso about your interactions with me. i cant figure you out. i don't know where i fit in... or if i fit in at all right now. i just have all these questions...but i seem to get mixed signals from you. i guess that's what i'm confused about.
jazzylady_98: you know what...let's not talk about this here. i'd rather talk face-to-face.
jazzylady_98: i think it would be better.
crush: thats fine with me
So that night we talk… and he tells me that he has a lot on his plate…which he does…and that he doesn’t want to bring me or anyone into his current situation…he needs to get himself together and yada yada yada. So I’m like…cool. That’s fine. I’m just trying to get to know you…be friends, spend time together. I’m not pushing relationship. And I made that clear. He was like…cool! I was like cool. So I thought everything was fine.
Yet… as more time went on, the less we went out, the less he called, the less he called BACK…the less he IM’d me…the less contact we had. Then I wrote THIS… about me and chocolate tease and how I’m just gonna forget about this crush cuz he’s not around. His actions say he doesn’t care. Well… the very next day this is what went down.
crush: figured I'd stop in and say good morning....
jazzylady_98: :) hi. didn't see you online.how are you today?
crush: well, and yourself
jazzylady_98: i'm good. glad i only have one more day left before my holiday officially begins.
jazzylady_98: you hiding today? lol
crush: nah, not hiding...been out of the office this morning
jazzylady_98: what u doin Thursday? I’m thinking we can hang.
crush: Oh, I got a chance to read your blog......
jazzylady_98: cool. :) i read yours too. i see you started a new one.
jazzylady_98: i'm excited to read that one. i think it will be REALLY interesting. i'll be a faithful reader to all three. lol.
crush: yeah, im trying to expand a little bit
crush: yeah we can hang out thursday.... maybe we can chat about this "crush" you have....I'd be interested in giving my .03 cents worth of advice... (insert: fyi: we never DID hang out that thursday)
jazzylady_98: yeah. i kinda want to start another blog.....
jazzylady_98: um...lol. yeah, i'd actually really like your advice.
crush: why my advice? do you think it would help?
jazzylady_98: well... DUH? lol. I mean, what better person to get advice about a crush from than the crush himself. lol
crush: I kinda figured that was your direction with this "crush"....but how can I compete with that (him)?
jazzylady_98: i don't want you to compete. it's not about competition at all. it doesn't matter WHAT he does..or gives to me...or says to me...I still have feelings for you. And i probably always will. But i kinda sensed that you aren't really feeling me that way. And i've never been one to chase after something that's not chasing me. So i figure that maybe it's time for me to at least acknowledge the fact that someone else actually is chasing me.
crush: Understandably, but my point of view is that we've beat around the bush so much concerning you and I, and have yet to confront the situation at hand....I mean, yeah there is an attraction...on both ends...but I'm not looking for a girlfriend...I wanna get to know someone in efforts for a "future"...
crush: I know I don't always show that, and that is largely attributed to me...getting me right, before me (I) bring anyone into my life in that fashion
jazzylady_98: I know all that. And i'll be honest. i'm not into him as much as i'm into you. and i told him that. i can't deny what i feel or how i feel. and i don't want to rush into anything with anyone. but i honestly just don't feel as if you really are into me. and i don't want to run into a situation where i'm chasing after you...and you're chasing after someone else. see it's not even about him. jazzylady_98: and i understand where you're coming from. But let me just show you this one thing you said that has made me feel the way i feel. When we discuss "US" and where we are. We always BOTH come to the conclusion that we should 1.) go slow and 2) be friends first and get to know each other. Yes, I want that. Yes that's cool with me. The problem is that when you speak of your future...or getting into a relationship...you always use the word "someone". Never, "you". After seeing that so many times...and being the "psychologist" that I am...i've realized that I am only a small possibility as your girl in the future. You're still looking for that somebody. Which tells me that i'm most likely not it. You've never expressed interest in me. I mean yes...there's an attraction there...
jazzylady_98: but i'm sure you're attracted to a lot of women. So, honestly...i guess that's not really all that much. I guess what i'm saying is...
crush: And I'm guessing youve gathered much of this info from my blog, cause you've never really considered asking me?
crush: Okay…Me expressing interest in Sway:
Crush: Movies (Ray)
crush: Movies(My place)
crush: Lunch (few occasions)
crush: Church (before I found somewhere that suited me more)
crush: Invites to my place
crush: Basketball game (you were the 1st person I thought to invite)
jazzylady_98: no, I got this from our conversations... I’m cool with being friends. as i said, i'm not looking to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I want to know the person first. Which is why I am still single to this day. I wanna know every aspect of you. But on that same note...i'm not gonna learn you and only you until you express to me that you're really feeling me...and there could be a possibility of us in the future. you understand where i'm coming from?
crush: yeah i understand where you are coming from, but its not an overnight event...thats where I've screwed up so many times in the past...trying to force a block into a circular hole!
jazzylady_98: “Crush”. i'm not perfect. lord knows i'm not. i'll readily admit my flaws..and one of them is that it's hard for me to pick um hints. All of those things you mentioned above are cool...but i never took them as you being interested in me when so many other things pointed toward you not. I do have a hard time understanding expressions of interest when they aren't verbal. I'm sorry.
jazzylady_98: but i can't read your mind...and i really don't take hints well...so honestly, i figured that you just hung out with me to hang. I mean...i base things off of what i hear alot...and what i heard was...that you enjoy my company and you enjoy talking to me....to me...that same group of things could be related to any other female.. so i figured that's where i fell...with every other female. I never knew that you thought of me first for the game. i thought that i kinda invited myself. lol. But now that you've put it that way...i can see it. and i'm sorry that i missed the signs. really sorry.
jazzylady_98: especially because i've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not you are feeling me. listen. like i said wednesday, i can go slow. i can be friends. i am TOTALLY fine with that. I guess what i didn't know...and what you've cleared up for me... is whether there's even the possibility. That's all i needed. I just wanted to know that if I waited for us...on us...or whatever... that there was a chance of us becoming more in the future.
crush: SWAY, IM INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jazzylady_98: Crush, I’ll just say this.. I care alot. I want our friendship to work. I'll go as slow as needed. And i'll try not to "jump to conclusions" about whether or not you’re interested anymore. Infact... until the day you tell me you're no longer interested...or until you say that you're interested in someone else... i'll just consider you interested in me....and i'll just let the friendship flow.
crush: but you know that im interested in you?
jazzylady_98: yeah now i do. But I need you to show it. and you know I’m interested in you too.
crush: yeah, and chocolate tease too!
jazzylady_98: hahaha. i'm interested in FRIENDSHIP with chocolate tease. Yes, he's interested in more with me. I won't lie to you and say that there isn't an attraction there...but as we've stated earlier. A real relationship requires more than physical attraction. He's a great guy. And he's a great friend. But the way i feel about you surpasses anything that could ever be between me and chocolate tease. My spirit doesn't connect with his like it does yours. He doesn't make me smile the way you do. I don't wonder what he's doing when we aren't together like i do you. I connect with you more than on the physical. And that's what i mean by interested. I'm interested in the WHOLE you. I want to know the WHOLE you. I want to be with the WHOLE you.
crush: But I don't want you to feel like you are wasting your time...and that is what I kinda got from your blog...
jazzylady_98: i don't wanna feel like i'm wasting time either. lol. i think that is my BIGGEST pet peeve. i hate for my time to be wasted...and i hate wasting others time..which is why if i know they are feeling me and i'm not feeling them ( ex. Chocolate tease) then i'll go ahead and tell them the deal. I told him about you. So if he chooses to still be my friend..then it's on him. But he knows that if you ever decided to take it to another level with me... i wouldn't turn you down.
crush: I feel you, but I don't want you to ever feel as though you're waiting....I want you to really "get to know me" and then decide if I'm what you want...cause you may get to know me and decide that I'm not...
jazzylady_98: yes. that's what I’ve been saying. That’s what I want!! That’s all I’m asking for. And likewise. you may get to know me and decide the same thing. so yes, you're right. i really DO want to get to know you. The good and bad. And i want you to know all about me. I know that it will be a process and we can't learn each other fully in a month..or two.. or even three. lol. I just want to feel like we're progressing in learning about each other.
jazzylady_98: which means that i want to spend time with you...i wanna talk to you...i wanna observe you... i wanna do nothing with you...i wanna do something with you... i want us to interact more. that's the only way we'll learn right?
crush: exactly! but we must establish friendship first, so that through hard times, it will remain!
jazzylady_98: i agree. a strong foundation makes a strong friendship/relationship
crush: we just have to do more of that...talking.
jazzylady_98: yeah. i agree.
jazzylady_98: we should definitely talk more.
crush: i agree
So…. After that LONG DRAWN OUT I.M. about us communicating and talking why is it that I’ve only heard from him TWICE since then? And let me tell you…it’s almost been a month. After him telling me that he’s interested…why is it that he’s nowhere to be found? Why is it? Why did he even waste my time? Or his? Especially after I TOLD him how i felt about it. If he wanted to be friends so bad, why have I been the only one trying? What was the purpose of this IM if he knew that he wasn’t gonna talk to me again? I don’t understand. I know this post was long…but if ANYONE can give me some kinda feed back… I would appreciate it.
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