I’ve been a slave all my life. I didn’t realize how captured I was until I tried to get away and couldn’t. I am one of those people who needs closure to things. You wouldn’t believe how much an unresolved issue or situation will plague my thoughts, dreams, and everyday functioning. Its like….I can’t let things go until I have closure. I always wanna know why? What happened? Now what?
Unfortunately for me, life has given me many situations in which things have happened and I have the slightest idea why. Being the kinda person I am, I’d try and try to let it go…taking a deep breath and moving forward towards more positive situations. But honestly, I never really let it completely go. Years and years after it’s happened, I still wonder… “what was that about”?
When I wrote my last post on my crush… I didn’t realize that the point I was trying to make would be completely lost in my writing. I got so caught up in setting up the background that I got lost in the feelings I still have for him and I never got around to asking what I really wanted to ask…or say what I really wanted to say.
Thank you all for your support and comments…I thought all week about what each of you said. And you’re right…it is time to move on. But honestly….before I wrote that post, I had already decided to move on. The post wasn’t supposed to be about what I should do about him, or whether or not I should move on. It was supposed to be about why people say one thing but do another…and why things like that always happen to me. But as I read my post I realized that the comments you gave were in direct response to what I wrote….though I never really meant to write THAT. Confused yet? lol
See…at the beginning of the year, I knew in my heart that he just wasn’t feeling me as much as I was feeling him. Somewhere down the line the dynamics changed. There was a time in our friendship where I figured he was feeling me way more than I was feeling him. Those days were long over by the end of December. I figured his distraction could be linked to his attraction for another female and that he truly just wanted us to be friends. I was fine with that. I had accepted that…and though my feelings hadn’t went away…I had moved on.
My problem was that, instead of him telling me what was going on…he just decided to completely stop talking to me. I felt that after all that we had been through… he could at least give me the curtesy of saying goodbye. Let me know that you don’t wanna be friends…don’t just stop talking to me. I don’t deal well with that. I never have. That kinda thing plagues me. I need to know why? I need to know something! Anything. lol
So I wrote that last post to try and get some kinda closure. If he wasn’t gonna talk to me, I needed someone to at least give me their reason for why they think he’d say “hey, let’s be friends and talk and yada yada…” then never get in contact with me again.
I just couldn’t grasp how someone can say one thing and do something completely different. Well, not him anyways. I mean, I think my crush is a really good guy. Even still. And him doing this just seemed so out of character. I never took him to be the kind of person that would say one thing and do another. But he did. And that bother me, to the point where it made me wonder what could have happened to make him be that way towards me. And with every passing day…and the unringing of my phone…and the non-IM’s explaining what happened…just made me wonder even more. I was enslaved…consumed…overtaken by thoughts of this. It’s my downfall. Most people could care less why someone is ignoring them…or why they just got ghost all of a sudden...but me…when I really care about someone…that kind of thing doesn't sit well.
So that’s really why I wrote what I wrote…and that’s what I wanted comments on…but it didn’t come out right…and I never got the closure I thought I needed. And I'm happy because if you all had given me what i "thought" i needed...I'd probably still be in bondage.
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After reading the comments and realizing that I'd probably NEVER get closure..lol... i began to seek God (which should have been my first choice.) I needed help. I didn't understand why this kept happening to me. Why people just dissapear from my life with out so much as an explaination...reason...goodbye. It hurt me. It cut me. I was broken...and I didn't know what i needed to do to fix it. So I asked God for a reason. In the midst of this, i remembered that my friend Talvis invited me last month to come his church this Friday for revival. I told him I’d be there…and i'm a woman of my word, so i went. The church was small but very warm and inviting. I didn’t see Talvis when I got there…so I took the closest seat I could find and made myself comfortable. I was glad that I went by myself. I closed my eyes and asked God to help me to get what I needed out of the message. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted Him to speak to me. I needed that. As they began praise and worship service, I lost myself in His presence. I was instantly glad that I came. I saw Talvis shortly after that, but decided not to catch his eye because I knew he’d ask me to come sit with him, and I really didn’t need anything to distract me from what God was saying to me. Maybe I’ll write in depth another time all that was preached and all that God revealed to me…but that night, I was freed. I released all the situations in my life that I thought I needed closure on. That night…God gave me peace. In simple terms…God pretty much told me not to worry about that which I couldn't change… and as simple as that sounds, it's a totally different story to hear or know that...and live that! He put it in my heart...not just my mind. Isaiah 43:18 was in my spirit so deep that I had to look it up...it said…
18"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
I mean, I read that thang and just cried. Because I HEARD him. I understood what He was saying to me. And I knew that in order for me to ever move forward in Him, I had to let go of the things He didn’t mean for me to have. And letting go of something requires me to not wonder why…or what happened. I needed a major mind renewing. I needed to know how to move on with out closure….and God did that for me Friday. I feel so free. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I don’t need to know why people do what they do. All I need to know is what God wants ME to do. And once that thang got in my spirit. I was free. This IS my closure. I don’t need for my crush to tell me anything. I don’t care why anymore. Because whatever the reason is/was/will be if he ever calls...won't change the fact that he's gone. So thanks, to all that commented. And thank you crush, for the small time we spent together. I feel that everything happens for a reason….and now I know what your purpose in my life was. I pray that everything in your life is prosperous and blessed. God Bless.
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