I'm bored. *sigh*
Every since my job pretty much banned non-work supported instant messaging, my down time has become less fun...and my days drag on with endless amounts of conference calls and paperwork. I need something to do. I've read almost everyone's journal on my "Daily Read" list in their entirety. And yes, I could come here and blog your eyes off day in and day out...but all of the pitter patter on the keyboard would surely raise an eyebrow or two from my boss (who conveniently moved her office RIGHT next to mine. ) Besides, I've noticed that the only time i'm motivated to really write something is when i'm either SUPER crunk about something or when I'm SUPER aggitated about something. lol. I guess the way you see me through my blog...it looks as if I'm Bi-Polar or something. lol. Da well... i promise i have some ordinary days...where i'm neither. Today is one of them. lol
Boredom sucks.
Okay guys... i've never really asked for "reader participation" before. (aside from my occasional begging for advice. lol) because i know most people prolly don't stop in here everyday like other blogs and i thought it too presuptious to think that i'd get a big enough response to ever successfully do something like that. But today... I am desperate. I don't wanna write about how i'm feeling today. lol Honestly, tomorrow i'll prolly feel completely different. And I just wanna do something different. Sooooooo...
After reading Grayse's and s.R 's blog a few months ago...I that they had a really cool idea. They asked their readers to all give them 2-3 things that they would like for them to take a picture of and then they were gonna post it up.
Since I got a cute ...and much needed... new celly w/a camera...which i just GOTTA use soon. and since i am SOOOOO FRIGGIN BORED *ha* I figured that i'd just piggy back off of them... and if someone actually participates and leave something for me to take a pic of...it would give me something fun to do.
Rules are...
ahh.. there are no rules... it doesn't matter. whatever you wanna see...lemme know. but err...don't get too fresh. lol. Aight... help me help myself! Gimme something to do! lol
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
Freeing Myself...
I’ve been a slave all my life. I didn’t realize how captured I was until I tried to get away and couldn’t. I am one of those people who needs closure to things. You wouldn’t believe how much an unresolved issue or situation will plague my thoughts, dreams, and everyday functioning. Its like….I can’t let things go until I have closure. I always wanna know why? What happened? Now what?
Unfortunately for me, life has given me many situations in which things have happened and I have the slightest idea why. Being the kinda person I am, I’d try and try to let it go…taking a deep breath and moving forward towards more positive situations. But honestly, I never really let it completely go. Years and years after it’s happened, I still wonder… “what was that about”?
When I wrote my last post on my crush… I didn’t realize that the point I was trying to make would be completely lost in my writing. I got so caught up in setting up the background that I got lost in the feelings I still have for him and I never got around to asking what I really wanted to ask…or say what I really wanted to say.
Thank you all for your support and comments…I thought all week about what each of you said. And you’re right…it is time to move on. But honestly….before I wrote that post, I had already decided to move on. The post wasn’t supposed to be about what I should do about him, or whether or not I should move on. It was supposed to be about why people say one thing but do another…and why things like that always happen to me. But as I read my post I realized that the comments you gave were in direct response to what I wrote….though I never really meant to write THAT. Confused yet? lol
See…at the beginning of the year, I knew in my heart that he just wasn’t feeling me as much as I was feeling him. Somewhere down the line the dynamics changed. There was a time in our friendship where I figured he was feeling me way more than I was feeling him. Those days were long over by the end of December. I figured his distraction could be linked to his attraction for another female and that he truly just wanted us to be friends. I was fine with that. I had accepted that…and though my feelings hadn’t went away…I had moved on.
My problem was that, instead of him telling me what was going on…he just decided to completely stop talking to me. I felt that after all that we had been through… he could at least give me the curtesy of saying goodbye. Let me know that you don’t wanna be friends…don’t just stop talking to me. I don’t deal well with that. I never have. That kinda thing plagues me. I need to know why? I need to know something! Anything. lol
So I wrote that last post to try and get some kinda closure. If he wasn’t gonna talk to me, I needed someone to at least give me their reason for why they think he’d say “hey, let’s be friends and talk and yada yada…” then never get in contact with me again.
I just couldn’t grasp how someone can say one thing and do something completely different. Well, not him anyways. I mean, I think my crush is a really good guy. Even still. And him doing this just seemed so out of character. I never took him to be the kind of person that would say one thing and do another. But he did. And that bother me, to the point where it made me wonder what could have happened to make him be that way towards me. And with every passing day…and the unringing of my phone…and the non-IM’s explaining what happened…just made me wonder even more. I was enslaved…consumed…overtaken by thoughts of this. It’s my downfall. Most people could care less why someone is ignoring them…or why they just got ghost all of a sudden...but me…when I really care about someone…that kind of thing doesn't sit well.
So that’s really why I wrote what I wrote…and that’s what I wanted comments on…but it didn’t come out right…and I never got the closure I thought I needed. And I'm happy because if you all had given me what i "thought" i needed...I'd probably still be in bondage.
*********
After reading the comments and realizing that I'd probably NEVER get closure..lol... i began to seek God (which should have been my first choice.) I needed help. I didn't understand why this kept happening to me. Why people just dissapear from my life with out so much as an explaination...reason...goodbye. It hurt me. It cut me. I was broken...and I didn't know what i needed to do to fix it. So I asked God for a reason. In the midst of this, i remembered that my friend Talvis invited me last month to come his church this Friday for revival. I told him I’d be there…and i'm a woman of my word, so i went. The church was small but very warm and inviting. I didn’t see Talvis when I got there…so I took the closest seat I could find and made myself comfortable. I was glad that I went by myself. I closed my eyes and asked God to help me to get what I needed out of the message. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted Him to speak to me. I needed that. As they began praise and worship service, I lost myself in His presence. I was instantly glad that I came. I saw Talvis shortly after that, but decided not to catch his eye because I knew he’d ask me to come sit with him, and I really didn’t need anything to distract me from what God was saying to me. Maybe I’ll write in depth another time all that was preached and all that God revealed to me…but that night, I was freed. I released all the situations in my life that I thought I needed closure on. That night…God gave me peace. In simple terms…God pretty much told me not to worry about that which I couldn't change… and as simple as that sounds, it's a totally different story to hear or know that...and live that! He put it in my heart...not just my mind. Isaiah 43:18 was in my spirit so deep that I had to look it up...it said…
18"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
I mean, I read that thang and just cried. Because I HEARD him. I understood what He was saying to me. And I knew that in order for me to ever move forward in Him, I had to let go of the things He didn’t mean for me to have. And letting go of something requires me to not wonder why…or what happened. I needed a major mind renewing. I needed to know how to move on with out closure….and God did that for me Friday. I feel so free. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I don’t need to know why people do what they do. All I need to know is what God wants ME to do. And once that thang got in my spirit. I was free. This IS my closure. I don’t need for my crush to tell me anything. I don’t care why anymore. Because whatever the reason is/was/will be if he ever calls...won't change the fact that he's gone. So thanks, to all that commented. And thank you crush, for the small time we spent together. I feel that everything happens for a reason….and now I know what your purpose in my life was. I pray that everything in your life is prosperous and blessed. God Bless.
Unfortunately for me, life has given me many situations in which things have happened and I have the slightest idea why. Being the kinda person I am, I’d try and try to let it go…taking a deep breath and moving forward towards more positive situations. But honestly, I never really let it completely go. Years and years after it’s happened, I still wonder… “what was that about”?
When I wrote my last post on my crush… I didn’t realize that the point I was trying to make would be completely lost in my writing. I got so caught up in setting up the background that I got lost in the feelings I still have for him and I never got around to asking what I really wanted to ask…or say what I really wanted to say.
Thank you all for your support and comments…I thought all week about what each of you said. And you’re right…it is time to move on. But honestly….before I wrote that post, I had already decided to move on. The post wasn’t supposed to be about what I should do about him, or whether or not I should move on. It was supposed to be about why people say one thing but do another…and why things like that always happen to me. But as I read my post I realized that the comments you gave were in direct response to what I wrote….though I never really meant to write THAT. Confused yet? lol
See…at the beginning of the year, I knew in my heart that he just wasn’t feeling me as much as I was feeling him. Somewhere down the line the dynamics changed. There was a time in our friendship where I figured he was feeling me way more than I was feeling him. Those days were long over by the end of December. I figured his distraction could be linked to his attraction for another female and that he truly just wanted us to be friends. I was fine with that. I had accepted that…and though my feelings hadn’t went away…I had moved on.
My problem was that, instead of him telling me what was going on…he just decided to completely stop talking to me. I felt that after all that we had been through… he could at least give me the curtesy of saying goodbye. Let me know that you don’t wanna be friends…don’t just stop talking to me. I don’t deal well with that. I never have. That kinda thing plagues me. I need to know why? I need to know something! Anything. lol
So I wrote that last post to try and get some kinda closure. If he wasn’t gonna talk to me, I needed someone to at least give me their reason for why they think he’d say “hey, let’s be friends and talk and yada yada…” then never get in contact with me again.
I just couldn’t grasp how someone can say one thing and do something completely different. Well, not him anyways. I mean, I think my crush is a really good guy. Even still. And him doing this just seemed so out of character. I never took him to be the kind of person that would say one thing and do another. But he did. And that bother me, to the point where it made me wonder what could have happened to make him be that way towards me. And with every passing day…and the unringing of my phone…and the non-IM’s explaining what happened…just made me wonder even more. I was enslaved…consumed…overtaken by thoughts of this. It’s my downfall. Most people could care less why someone is ignoring them…or why they just got ghost all of a sudden...but me…when I really care about someone…that kind of thing doesn't sit well.
So that’s really why I wrote what I wrote…and that’s what I wanted comments on…but it didn’t come out right…and I never got the closure I thought I needed. And I'm happy because if you all had given me what i "thought" i needed...I'd probably still be in bondage.
*********
After reading the comments and realizing that I'd probably NEVER get closure..lol... i began to seek God (which should have been my first choice.) I needed help. I didn't understand why this kept happening to me. Why people just dissapear from my life with out so much as an explaination...reason...goodbye. It hurt me. It cut me. I was broken...and I didn't know what i needed to do to fix it. So I asked God for a reason. In the midst of this, i remembered that my friend Talvis invited me last month to come his church this Friday for revival. I told him I’d be there…and i'm a woman of my word, so i went. The church was small but very warm and inviting. I didn’t see Talvis when I got there…so I took the closest seat I could find and made myself comfortable. I was glad that I went by myself. I closed my eyes and asked God to help me to get what I needed out of the message. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted Him to speak to me. I needed that. As they began praise and worship service, I lost myself in His presence. I was instantly glad that I came. I saw Talvis shortly after that, but decided not to catch his eye because I knew he’d ask me to come sit with him, and I really didn’t need anything to distract me from what God was saying to me. Maybe I’ll write in depth another time all that was preached and all that God revealed to me…but that night, I was freed. I released all the situations in my life that I thought I needed closure on. That night…God gave me peace. In simple terms…God pretty much told me not to worry about that which I couldn't change… and as simple as that sounds, it's a totally different story to hear or know that...and live that! He put it in my heart...not just my mind. Isaiah 43:18 was in my spirit so deep that I had to look it up...it said…
18"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
I mean, I read that thang and just cried. Because I HEARD him. I understood what He was saying to me. And I knew that in order for me to ever move forward in Him, I had to let go of the things He didn’t mean for me to have. And letting go of something requires me to not wonder why…or what happened. I needed a major mind renewing. I needed to know how to move on with out closure….and God did that for me Friday. I feel so free. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I don’t need to know why people do what they do. All I need to know is what God wants ME to do. And once that thang got in my spirit. I was free. This IS my closure. I don’t need for my crush to tell me anything. I don’t care why anymore. Because whatever the reason is/was/will be if he ever calls...won't change the fact that he's gone. So thanks, to all that commented. And thank you crush, for the small time we spent together. I feel that everything happens for a reason….and now I know what your purpose in my life was. I pray that everything in your life is prosperous and blessed. God Bless.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
“Chemo”therapy – beware extra long post.
I need it. Not in the “I have cancer” sense thank God. But there is some therapy and healing I need PRONTO. I’m so tired of these games that men play. With each growing day, I grow more and more agitated with the way some guys interact with me. I need to know if it’s me. I need to know what I’m doing wrong. Fellas especially…please read this post and help me out a little. Cause I can’t figure this out. Lemme explain.
I had a crush. He knows who he is…and there is MUCH reference to him in the title of this post. I wasn’t trying to rush into anything and I thought we had an understanding of where we were and what we were doing. We met in blog world, became instant friends and after a few dates it became VERY apparent that we were attracted to each other.
This is a clip of our IM convo a few weeks after the first time we got hot and heavy on a date.
Crush: Can I be real about something?
jazzylady_98: um...sure. please be real.
Crush: Sometimes, I want to ask you to come over to my place to hang out, but considering events of our last "encounter", I'm kinda hesitant....
jazzylady_98: :) hesitant huh? so you think that the same thing will happen if we hung out at your place again?
crush: Do I think it will.....no....but Im human, and so are you, and we are attracted to each other...or at least I think we are....lol:-/
jazzylady_98: lol. well...i'm attracted to you. i'm not sure if you're attracted to me....
crush: I've told you that I am already...remember..see you tryin to pick my brain early this morning
jazzylady_98: and yeah, i do understand what you are saying... i was just wondering what you thought. i sometimes want to hang out and have a movie night or something at your place.... but i do kinda wonder if we're strong enough right now for that...
crush: do you think we are?
jazzylady_98: but see...then again.. it's like... it's getting cold, and i like staying inside...and honestly, it would be much cheaper to do blockbuster nights or ya know...cook at the house or chill, talk etc... Those are the kind of things i enjoy doing in the cooler seasons.... so it's like.... on one hand, i would rather us hang at your place, but on the other hand, I don't want it to lead to things we're not ready for.
crush: Understandable...totally, but I would really miss out on hanging with you though ya know....jazzylady_98: i think that because we're attracted to each other, we're going to crave some kind of physical contact...even if it's just hugging or kissing or cuddling or whatever... i dunno. lol. Which is all fine with me, what I DON"T know is whether or not we will always be strong enough to JUST do those things....
crush: do you think you are strong enough?
crush: do you think its just me who isnt?
jazzylady_98: lol NO. not at all. i've mentioned b4 that i am very touchy feely. i crave closeness...and hugs and kisses....lol. So i think in that respect, I may be much weaker. But i do think that we could keep each other in check though. I honestly believe that when i get weak, you'd be strong and vice versa. It may not work out like that ALL the time, but i think for the most part it would.
crush: And for those "few" times when it doesn't work?? Hmmm....
jazzylady_98: i dunno “Crush”. i really don't. I don't want to NOT ever hang out with you though because of those possible few times where we both may really want more. i just think if we keep the lines of communication open and talk throgh it like last time, maybe we will get through it without doing something.
crush: your suggestions sounds do able....really it does!:D
Alright… that sounded simple enough. We were off to a good start. He’s interested…I’m interested. We’re communicating..trying not to get too hot and heavy too soon. We’re making plans to see each other. The rest of that IM is filled with us making plans to see each other the next day as well as saturday for bowling. Sounds good right. Well we did hang out the next day, things got steamy again...we talked and all was good. But um, that bowling thing… never happened. HE called to say we should take a raincheck on the bowling… I said cool and asked him if he still wanted to hang…he replies…”I’ll see what’s going on and hit you back.” He never did.
Anyways… here is what happened next… we went out after that and we realized that things were still going kinda fast between us and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that…or how he felt about that. So we talked about it at his house one night…and the next day…we have this convo.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: no. why would i be mad at you?
crush: cause of last night....you said that you'd have indifferent feelings in the morning
jazzylady_98: no, i was saying that i didn't know how i'd feel. meaning...how would things be between us now.... and how will i deal with what you do or don't feel.
crush: so how did you feel this morning?
jazzylady_98: i felt like seeing you again. lol
jazzylady_98: i wondered if you'd still act the same towards me...
crush: comon....are you serious?
jazzylady_98: yup. don't act like some people dont change once you let your guard down. lol
jazzylady_98: it DOES happen.
crush: yeah it does happen...but i'd hope that you and I are closer than that
jazzylady_98: i hope so too. so how'd you feel this morning?
crush: was kinda tired this morning, but now that Im up and going, im cool.......i thought about you as well
jazzylady_98: really? what u think?
crush: I thought about how you'd feel about me, or lack there of....thought about the possibilities of a future with lil old sway.......those types of things
jazzylady_98: you think we possibly have a future?
crush: I have in no way ruled that out, lol
jazzylady_98: :) good
crush: what about you?
jazzylady_98: if anything... it's become a stronger possibility. :)
crush: cool : )
jazzylady_98: u blog today?
crush: havent had a chance too....kinda bogged down, lol...but i can chat, just cant pull away to write
jazzylady_98: yeah. same here.
crush: lol...sway's slacking, lol
jazzylady_98: lol. I know, I know. I'll pick it back up. lol
crush: I hope so....that is what drew me to you, lolhahahahah
crush: but I like the "real" you better
jazzylady_98: lol. :)
crush: so I just read your tag....silver lining in my cloud huh?? ;)
jazzylady_98: haha. well...i'm trying to be. :)
jazzylady_98: lol
crush: ohhh...sway's opening up!!
jazzylady_98: shut up. lol
jazzylady_98: i've got a question, if you could only describe me with one word...what would it be?
crush: Glowing!
jazzylady_98: :) wow.
crush: that seemed to encompass everything, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally!
Aight…so we’re talking… he got me blushing… we’re progressing again. Everything seems cool. Even in this convo when I asked him what he thought of me…this is what he had to say…
crush: but back to the convo at hand
crush: I think that your presense is one of the most enjoyable I've ever come in contact with
jazzylady_98: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
crush: I think your smile is plesant to the soul....your companionship is above and beyond words
crush: you trully have an annointed spirit
jazzylady_98: :"> awwww. Crush, that's so sweet. I'm so glad you can't see me blushing right now. lol
crush: Im serious though
crush: I don't know if you and I are meant for each other forever or not...but I enjoy all the time we spend!
Aight. So he and I are still just kinda kicking it. I’m enjoying him…he’s enjoying me. We’re cool. Then it starts going down hill. He’s making dates with me then things “come up”. Telling me he’ll call back and doesn’t. He never struck me as someone who’d lie…especially when he didn’t have to. We weren’t together or anything. But at this point I began to wonder if he wanted to be with me…I had started thinking about moving on.
crush: so I got up this morning and got your message......*ducking* cause I know I messed up!
jazzylady_98: oh yeah. okay.
crush: will you forgive me? please?
jazzylady_98: yeah.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: i'm not really mad no. a little disappointed though...
crush: i had folx in town...who unfortunately had major flight delays....
jazzylady_98: it's all good. ou don't have to explain to me. that's life right. :)
crush: no thats not life....you are sway and Im “crush”...two words that have mean...purpose...feelings behind them
jazzylady_98: true.
crush: but you just sound so dry about it, as if you are upset highly with me
jazzylady_98: i'm not upset with you...i dunno... i have a lot of different feelings right now...though anger...or being upset isn't one of them.
crush: what are they?
crush: I mean this is really the first time where I have "severly" forgotten something with you...honestly~
jazzylady_98: i guess i'm not really sure how i feel right now. i just know that what i do feel...doesn't really feel good. i dunno...i guess i feel confused. *shrug*
crush: about me?
jazzylady_98: and yes.. this is the first time you forgot something. but i guess that's what's so confusing. but honestly... i mean. i don't even mind that too much. i mean, it's a humbling experience to be forgotten about...lol. But i dunno... i guess it's just a few things that's happened already combined with that...that kinda made it seem worse than it probably was.
jazzylady_98: i'm not confused about you no.
crush: then what are you confused about...and it wasn't that I forgot about you, it was that I forgot about "us" getting together......
jazzylady_98: i'm confused moreso about your interactions with me. i cant figure you out. i don't know where i fit in... or if i fit in at all right now. i just have all these questions...but i seem to get mixed signals from you. i guess that's what i'm confused about.
jazzylady_98: you know what...let's not talk about this here. i'd rather talk face-to-face.
jazzylady_98: i think it would be better.
crush: thats fine with me
So that night we talk… and he tells me that he has a lot on his plate…which he does…and that he doesn’t want to bring me or anyone into his current situation…he needs to get himself together and yada yada yada. So I’m like…cool. That’s fine. I’m just trying to get to know you…be friends, spend time together. I’m not pushing relationship. And I made that clear. He was like…cool! I was like cool. So I thought everything was fine.
Yet… as more time went on, the less we went out, the less he called, the less he called BACK…the less he IM’d me…the less contact we had. Then I wrote THIS… about me and chocolate tease and how I’m just gonna forget about this crush cuz he’s not around. His actions say he doesn’t care. Well… the very next day this is what went down.
crush: figured I'd stop in and say good morning....
jazzylady_98: :) hi. didn't see you online.how are you today?
crush: well, and yourself
jazzylady_98: i'm good. glad i only have one more day left before my holiday officially begins.
jazzylady_98: you hiding today? lol
crush: nah, not hiding...been out of the office this morning
jazzylady_98: what u doin Thursday? I’m thinking we can hang.
crush: Oh, I got a chance to read your blog......
jazzylady_98: cool. :) i read yours too. i see you started a new one.
jazzylady_98: i'm excited to read that one. i think it will be REALLY interesting. i'll be a faithful reader to all three. lol.
crush: yeah, im trying to expand a little bit
crush: yeah we can hang out thursday.... maybe we can chat about this "crush" you have....I'd be interested in giving my .03 cents worth of advice... (insert: fyi: we never DID hang out that thursday)
jazzylady_98: yeah. i kinda want to start another blog.....
jazzylady_98: um...lol. yeah, i'd actually really like your advice.
crush: why my advice? do you think it would help?
jazzylady_98: well... DUH? lol. I mean, what better person to get advice about a crush from than the crush himself. lol
crush: I kinda figured that was your direction with this "crush"....but how can I compete with that (him)?
jazzylady_98: i don't want you to compete. it's not about competition at all. it doesn't matter WHAT he does..or gives to me...or says to me...I still have feelings for you. And i probably always will. But i kinda sensed that you aren't really feeling me that way. And i've never been one to chase after something that's not chasing me. So i figure that maybe it's time for me to at least acknowledge the fact that someone else actually is chasing me.
crush: Understandably, but my point of view is that we've beat around the bush so much concerning you and I, and have yet to confront the situation at hand....I mean, yeah there is an attraction...on both ends...but I'm not looking for a girlfriend...I wanna get to know someone in efforts for a "future"...
crush: I know I don't always show that, and that is largely attributed to me...getting me right, before me (I) bring anyone into my life in that fashion
jazzylady_98: I know all that. And i'll be honest. i'm not into him as much as i'm into you. and i told him that. i can't deny what i feel or how i feel. and i don't want to rush into anything with anyone. but i honestly just don't feel as if you really are into me. and i don't want to run into a situation where i'm chasing after you...and you're chasing after someone else. see it's not even about him. jazzylady_98: and i understand where you're coming from. But let me just show you this one thing you said that has made me feel the way i feel. When we discuss "US" and where we are. We always BOTH come to the conclusion that we should 1.) go slow and 2) be friends first and get to know each other. Yes, I want that. Yes that's cool with me. The problem is that when you speak of your future...or getting into a relationship...you always use the word "someone". Never, "you". After seeing that so many times...and being the "psychologist" that I am...i've realized that I am only a small possibility as your girl in the future. You're still looking for that somebody. Which tells me that i'm most likely not it. You've never expressed interest in me. I mean yes...there's an attraction there...
jazzylady_98: but i'm sure you're attracted to a lot of women. So, honestly...i guess that's not really all that much. I guess what i'm saying is...
crush: And I'm guessing youve gathered much of this info from my blog, cause you've never really considered asking me?
crush: Okay…Me expressing interest in Sway:
Crush: Movies (Ray)
crush: Movies(My place)
crush: Lunch (few occasions)
crush: Church (before I found somewhere that suited me more)
crush: Invites to my place
crush: Basketball game (you were the 1st person I thought to invite)
jazzylady_98: no, I got this from our conversations... I’m cool with being friends. as i said, i'm not looking to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I want to know the person first. Which is why I am still single to this day. I wanna know every aspect of you. But on that same note...i'm not gonna learn you and only you until you express to me that you're really feeling me...and there could be a possibility of us in the future. you understand where i'm coming from?
crush: yeah i understand where you are coming from, but its not an overnight event...thats where I've screwed up so many times in the past...trying to force a block into a circular hole!
jazzylady_98: “Crush”. i'm not perfect. lord knows i'm not. i'll readily admit my flaws..and one of them is that it's hard for me to pick um hints. All of those things you mentioned above are cool...but i never took them as you being interested in me when so many other things pointed toward you not. I do have a hard time understanding expressions of interest when they aren't verbal. I'm sorry.
jazzylady_98: but i can't read your mind...and i really don't take hints well...so honestly, i figured that you just hung out with me to hang. I mean...i base things off of what i hear alot...and what i heard was...that you enjoy my company and you enjoy talking to me....to me...that same group of things could be related to any other female.. so i figured that's where i fell...with every other female. I never knew that you thought of me first for the game. i thought that i kinda invited myself. lol. But now that you've put it that way...i can see it. and i'm sorry that i missed the signs. really sorry.
jazzylady_98: especially because i've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not you are feeling me. listen. like i said wednesday, i can go slow. i can be friends. i am TOTALLY fine with that. I guess what i didn't know...and what you've cleared up for me... is whether there's even the possibility. That's all i needed. I just wanted to know that if I waited for us...on us...or whatever... that there was a chance of us becoming more in the future.
crush: SWAY, IM INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jazzylady_98: Crush, I’ll just say this.. I care alot. I want our friendship to work. I'll go as slow as needed. And i'll try not to "jump to conclusions" about whether or not you’re interested anymore. Infact... until the day you tell me you're no longer interested...or until you say that you're interested in someone else... i'll just consider you interested in me....and i'll just let the friendship flow.
crush: but you know that im interested in you?
jazzylady_98: yeah now i do. But I need you to show it. and you know I’m interested in you too.
crush: yeah, and chocolate tease too!
jazzylady_98: hahaha. i'm interested in FRIENDSHIP with chocolate tease. Yes, he's interested in more with me. I won't lie to you and say that there isn't an attraction there...but as we've stated earlier. A real relationship requires more than physical attraction. He's a great guy. And he's a great friend. But the way i feel about you surpasses anything that could ever be between me and chocolate tease. My spirit doesn't connect with his like it does yours. He doesn't make me smile the way you do. I don't wonder what he's doing when we aren't together like i do you. I connect with you more than on the physical. And that's what i mean by interested. I'm interested in the WHOLE you. I want to know the WHOLE you. I want to be with the WHOLE you.
crush: But I don't want you to feel like you are wasting your time...and that is what I kinda got from your blog...
jazzylady_98: i don't wanna feel like i'm wasting time either. lol. i think that is my BIGGEST pet peeve. i hate for my time to be wasted...and i hate wasting others time..which is why if i know they are feeling me and i'm not feeling them ( ex. Chocolate tease) then i'll go ahead and tell them the deal. I told him about you. So if he chooses to still be my friend..then it's on him. But he knows that if you ever decided to take it to another level with me... i wouldn't turn you down.
crush: I feel you, but I don't want you to ever feel as though you're waiting....I want you to really "get to know me" and then decide if I'm what you want...cause you may get to know me and decide that I'm not...
jazzylady_98: yes. that's what I’ve been saying. That’s what I want!! That’s all I’m asking for. And likewise. you may get to know me and decide the same thing. so yes, you're right. i really DO want to get to know you. The good and bad. And i want you to know all about me. I know that it will be a process and we can't learn each other fully in a month..or two.. or even three. lol. I just want to feel like we're progressing in learning about each other.
jazzylady_98: which means that i want to spend time with you...i wanna talk to you...i wanna observe you... i wanna do nothing with you...i wanna do something with you... i want us to interact more. that's the only way we'll learn right?
crush: exactly! but we must establish friendship first, so that through hard times, it will remain!
jazzylady_98: i agree. a strong foundation makes a strong friendship/relationship
crush: we just have to do more of that...talking.
jazzylady_98: yeah. i agree.
jazzylady_98: we should definitely talk more.
crush: i agree
So…. After that LONG DRAWN OUT I.M. about us communicating and talking why is it that I’ve only heard from him TWICE since then? And let me tell you…it’s almost been a month. After him telling me that he’s interested…why is it that he’s nowhere to be found? Why is it? Why did he even waste my time? Or his? Especially after I TOLD him how i felt about it. If he wanted to be friends so bad, why have I been the only one trying? What was the purpose of this IM if he knew that he wasn’t gonna talk to me again? I don’t understand. I know this post was long…but if ANYONE can give me some kinda feed back… I would appreciate it.
I had a crush. He knows who he is…and there is MUCH reference to him in the title of this post. I wasn’t trying to rush into anything and I thought we had an understanding of where we were and what we were doing. We met in blog world, became instant friends and after a few dates it became VERY apparent that we were attracted to each other.
This is a clip of our IM convo a few weeks after the first time we got hot and heavy on a date.
Crush: Can I be real about something?
jazzylady_98: um...sure. please be real.
Crush: Sometimes, I want to ask you to come over to my place to hang out, but considering events of our last "encounter", I'm kinda hesitant....
jazzylady_98: :) hesitant huh? so you think that the same thing will happen if we hung out at your place again?
crush: Do I think it will.....no....but Im human, and so are you, and we are attracted to each other...or at least I think we are....lol:-/
jazzylady_98: lol. well...i'm attracted to you. i'm not sure if you're attracted to me....
crush: I've told you that I am already...remember..see you tryin to pick my brain early this morning
jazzylady_98: and yeah, i do understand what you are saying... i was just wondering what you thought. i sometimes want to hang out and have a movie night or something at your place.... but i do kinda wonder if we're strong enough right now for that...
crush: do you think we are?
jazzylady_98: but see...then again.. it's like... it's getting cold, and i like staying inside...and honestly, it would be much cheaper to do blockbuster nights or ya know...cook at the house or chill, talk etc... Those are the kind of things i enjoy doing in the cooler seasons.... so it's like.... on one hand, i would rather us hang at your place, but on the other hand, I don't want it to lead to things we're not ready for.
crush: Understandable...totally, but I would really miss out on hanging with you though ya know....jazzylady_98: i think that because we're attracted to each other, we're going to crave some kind of physical contact...even if it's just hugging or kissing or cuddling or whatever... i dunno. lol. Which is all fine with me, what I DON"T know is whether or not we will always be strong enough to JUST do those things....
crush: do you think you are strong enough?
crush: do you think its just me who isnt?
jazzylady_98: lol NO. not at all. i've mentioned b4 that i am very touchy feely. i crave closeness...and hugs and kisses....lol. So i think in that respect, I may be much weaker. But i do think that we could keep each other in check though. I honestly believe that when i get weak, you'd be strong and vice versa. It may not work out like that ALL the time, but i think for the most part it would.
crush: And for those "few" times when it doesn't work?? Hmmm....
jazzylady_98: i dunno “Crush”. i really don't. I don't want to NOT ever hang out with you though because of those possible few times where we both may really want more. i just think if we keep the lines of communication open and talk throgh it like last time, maybe we will get through it without doing something.
crush: your suggestions sounds do able....really it does!:D
Alright… that sounded simple enough. We were off to a good start. He’s interested…I’m interested. We’re communicating..trying not to get too hot and heavy too soon. We’re making plans to see each other. The rest of that IM is filled with us making plans to see each other the next day as well as saturday for bowling. Sounds good right. Well we did hang out the next day, things got steamy again...we talked and all was good. But um, that bowling thing… never happened. HE called to say we should take a raincheck on the bowling… I said cool and asked him if he still wanted to hang…he replies…”I’ll see what’s going on and hit you back.” He never did.
Anyways… here is what happened next… we went out after that and we realized that things were still going kinda fast between us and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that…or how he felt about that. So we talked about it at his house one night…and the next day…we have this convo.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: no. why would i be mad at you?
crush: cause of last night....you said that you'd have indifferent feelings in the morning
jazzylady_98: no, i was saying that i didn't know how i'd feel. meaning...how would things be between us now.... and how will i deal with what you do or don't feel.
crush: so how did you feel this morning?
jazzylady_98: i felt like seeing you again. lol
jazzylady_98: i wondered if you'd still act the same towards me...
crush: comon....are you serious?
jazzylady_98: yup. don't act like some people dont change once you let your guard down. lol
jazzylady_98: it DOES happen.
crush: yeah it does happen...but i'd hope that you and I are closer than that
jazzylady_98: i hope so too. so how'd you feel this morning?
crush: was kinda tired this morning, but now that Im up and going, im cool.......i thought about you as well
jazzylady_98: really? what u think?
crush: I thought about how you'd feel about me, or lack there of....thought about the possibilities of a future with lil old sway.......those types of things
jazzylady_98: you think we possibly have a future?
crush: I have in no way ruled that out, lol
jazzylady_98: :) good
crush: what about you?
jazzylady_98: if anything... it's become a stronger possibility. :)
crush: cool : )
jazzylady_98: u blog today?
crush: havent had a chance too....kinda bogged down, lol...but i can chat, just cant pull away to write
jazzylady_98: yeah. same here.
crush: lol...sway's slacking, lol
jazzylady_98: lol. I know, I know. I'll pick it back up. lol
crush: I hope so....that is what drew me to you, lolhahahahah
crush: but I like the "real" you better
jazzylady_98: lol. :)
crush: so I just read your tag....silver lining in my cloud huh?? ;)
jazzylady_98: haha. well...i'm trying to be. :)
jazzylady_98: lol
crush: ohhh...sway's opening up!!
jazzylady_98: shut up. lol
jazzylady_98: i've got a question, if you could only describe me with one word...what would it be?
crush: Glowing!
jazzylady_98: :) wow.
crush: that seemed to encompass everything, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally!
Aight…so we’re talking… he got me blushing… we’re progressing again. Everything seems cool. Even in this convo when I asked him what he thought of me…this is what he had to say…
crush: but back to the convo at hand
crush: I think that your presense is one of the most enjoyable I've ever come in contact with
jazzylady_98: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
crush: I think your smile is plesant to the soul....your companionship is above and beyond words
crush: you trully have an annointed spirit
jazzylady_98: :"> awwww. Crush, that's so sweet. I'm so glad you can't see me blushing right now. lol
crush: Im serious though
crush: I don't know if you and I are meant for each other forever or not...but I enjoy all the time we spend!
Aight. So he and I are still just kinda kicking it. I’m enjoying him…he’s enjoying me. We’re cool. Then it starts going down hill. He’s making dates with me then things “come up”. Telling me he’ll call back and doesn’t. He never struck me as someone who’d lie…especially when he didn’t have to. We weren’t together or anything. But at this point I began to wonder if he wanted to be with me…I had started thinking about moving on.
crush: so I got up this morning and got your message......*ducking* cause I know I messed up!
jazzylady_98: oh yeah. okay.
crush: will you forgive me? please?
jazzylady_98: yeah.
crush: are you mad at me?
jazzylady_98: i'm not really mad no. a little disappointed though...
crush: i had folx in town...who unfortunately had major flight delays....
jazzylady_98: it's all good. ou don't have to explain to me. that's life right. :)
crush: no thats not life....you are sway and Im “crush”...two words that have mean...purpose...feelings behind them
jazzylady_98: true.
crush: but you just sound so dry about it, as if you are upset highly with me
jazzylady_98: i'm not upset with you...i dunno... i have a lot of different feelings right now...though anger...or being upset isn't one of them.
crush: what are they?
crush: I mean this is really the first time where I have "severly" forgotten something with you...honestly~
jazzylady_98: i guess i'm not really sure how i feel right now. i just know that what i do feel...doesn't really feel good. i dunno...i guess i feel confused. *shrug*
crush: about me?
jazzylady_98: and yes.. this is the first time you forgot something. but i guess that's what's so confusing. but honestly... i mean. i don't even mind that too much. i mean, it's a humbling experience to be forgotten about...lol. But i dunno... i guess it's just a few things that's happened already combined with that...that kinda made it seem worse than it probably was.
jazzylady_98: i'm not confused about you no.
crush: then what are you confused about...and it wasn't that I forgot about you, it was that I forgot about "us" getting together......
jazzylady_98: i'm confused moreso about your interactions with me. i cant figure you out. i don't know where i fit in... or if i fit in at all right now. i just have all these questions...but i seem to get mixed signals from you. i guess that's what i'm confused about.
jazzylady_98: you know what...let's not talk about this here. i'd rather talk face-to-face.
jazzylady_98: i think it would be better.
crush: thats fine with me
So that night we talk… and he tells me that he has a lot on his plate…which he does…and that he doesn’t want to bring me or anyone into his current situation…he needs to get himself together and yada yada yada. So I’m like…cool. That’s fine. I’m just trying to get to know you…be friends, spend time together. I’m not pushing relationship. And I made that clear. He was like…cool! I was like cool. So I thought everything was fine.
Yet… as more time went on, the less we went out, the less he called, the less he called BACK…the less he IM’d me…the less contact we had. Then I wrote THIS… about me and chocolate tease and how I’m just gonna forget about this crush cuz he’s not around. His actions say he doesn’t care. Well… the very next day this is what went down.
crush: figured I'd stop in and say good morning....
jazzylady_98: :) hi. didn't see you online.how are you today?
crush: well, and yourself
jazzylady_98: i'm good. glad i only have one more day left before my holiday officially begins.
jazzylady_98: you hiding today? lol
crush: nah, not hiding...been out of the office this morning
jazzylady_98: what u doin Thursday? I’m thinking we can hang.
crush: Oh, I got a chance to read your blog......
jazzylady_98: cool. :) i read yours too. i see you started a new one.
jazzylady_98: i'm excited to read that one. i think it will be REALLY interesting. i'll be a faithful reader to all three. lol.
crush: yeah, im trying to expand a little bit
crush: yeah we can hang out thursday.... maybe we can chat about this "crush" you have....I'd be interested in giving my .03 cents worth of advice... (insert: fyi: we never DID hang out that thursday)
jazzylady_98: yeah. i kinda want to start another blog.....
jazzylady_98: um...lol. yeah, i'd actually really like your advice.
crush: why my advice? do you think it would help?
jazzylady_98: well... DUH? lol. I mean, what better person to get advice about a crush from than the crush himself. lol
crush: I kinda figured that was your direction with this "crush"....but how can I compete with that (him)?
jazzylady_98: i don't want you to compete. it's not about competition at all. it doesn't matter WHAT he does..or gives to me...or says to me...I still have feelings for you. And i probably always will. But i kinda sensed that you aren't really feeling me that way. And i've never been one to chase after something that's not chasing me. So i figure that maybe it's time for me to at least acknowledge the fact that someone else actually is chasing me.
crush: Understandably, but my point of view is that we've beat around the bush so much concerning you and I, and have yet to confront the situation at hand....I mean, yeah there is an attraction...on both ends...but I'm not looking for a girlfriend...I wanna get to know someone in efforts for a "future"...
crush: I know I don't always show that, and that is largely attributed to me...getting me right, before me (I) bring anyone into my life in that fashion
jazzylady_98: I know all that. And i'll be honest. i'm not into him as much as i'm into you. and i told him that. i can't deny what i feel or how i feel. and i don't want to rush into anything with anyone. but i honestly just don't feel as if you really are into me. and i don't want to run into a situation where i'm chasing after you...and you're chasing after someone else. see it's not even about him. jazzylady_98: and i understand where you're coming from. But let me just show you this one thing you said that has made me feel the way i feel. When we discuss "US" and where we are. We always BOTH come to the conclusion that we should 1.) go slow and 2) be friends first and get to know each other. Yes, I want that. Yes that's cool with me. The problem is that when you speak of your future...or getting into a relationship...you always use the word "someone". Never, "you". After seeing that so many times...and being the "psychologist" that I am...i've realized that I am only a small possibility as your girl in the future. You're still looking for that somebody. Which tells me that i'm most likely not it. You've never expressed interest in me. I mean yes...there's an attraction there...
jazzylady_98: but i'm sure you're attracted to a lot of women. So, honestly...i guess that's not really all that much. I guess what i'm saying is...
crush: And I'm guessing youve gathered much of this info from my blog, cause you've never really considered asking me?
crush: Okay…Me expressing interest in Sway:
Crush: Movies (Ray)
crush: Movies(My place)
crush: Lunch (few occasions)
crush: Church (before I found somewhere that suited me more)
crush: Invites to my place
crush: Basketball game (you were the 1st person I thought to invite)
jazzylady_98: no, I got this from our conversations... I’m cool with being friends. as i said, i'm not looking to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I want to know the person first. Which is why I am still single to this day. I wanna know every aspect of you. But on that same note...i'm not gonna learn you and only you until you express to me that you're really feeling me...and there could be a possibility of us in the future. you understand where i'm coming from?
crush: yeah i understand where you are coming from, but its not an overnight event...thats where I've screwed up so many times in the past...trying to force a block into a circular hole!
jazzylady_98: “Crush”. i'm not perfect. lord knows i'm not. i'll readily admit my flaws..and one of them is that it's hard for me to pick um hints. All of those things you mentioned above are cool...but i never took them as you being interested in me when so many other things pointed toward you not. I do have a hard time understanding expressions of interest when they aren't verbal. I'm sorry.
jazzylady_98: but i can't read your mind...and i really don't take hints well...so honestly, i figured that you just hung out with me to hang. I mean...i base things off of what i hear alot...and what i heard was...that you enjoy my company and you enjoy talking to me....to me...that same group of things could be related to any other female.. so i figured that's where i fell...with every other female. I never knew that you thought of me first for the game. i thought that i kinda invited myself. lol. But now that you've put it that way...i can see it. and i'm sorry that i missed the signs. really sorry.
jazzylady_98: especially because i've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not you are feeling me. listen. like i said wednesday, i can go slow. i can be friends. i am TOTALLY fine with that. I guess what i didn't know...and what you've cleared up for me... is whether there's even the possibility. That's all i needed. I just wanted to know that if I waited for us...on us...or whatever... that there was a chance of us becoming more in the future.
crush: SWAY, IM INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jazzylady_98: Crush, I’ll just say this.. I care alot. I want our friendship to work. I'll go as slow as needed. And i'll try not to "jump to conclusions" about whether or not you’re interested anymore. Infact... until the day you tell me you're no longer interested...or until you say that you're interested in someone else... i'll just consider you interested in me....and i'll just let the friendship flow.
crush: but you know that im interested in you?
jazzylady_98: yeah now i do. But I need you to show it. and you know I’m interested in you too.
crush: yeah, and chocolate tease too!
jazzylady_98: hahaha. i'm interested in FRIENDSHIP with chocolate tease. Yes, he's interested in more with me. I won't lie to you and say that there isn't an attraction there...but as we've stated earlier. A real relationship requires more than physical attraction. He's a great guy. And he's a great friend. But the way i feel about you surpasses anything that could ever be between me and chocolate tease. My spirit doesn't connect with his like it does yours. He doesn't make me smile the way you do. I don't wonder what he's doing when we aren't together like i do you. I connect with you more than on the physical. And that's what i mean by interested. I'm interested in the WHOLE you. I want to know the WHOLE you. I want to be with the WHOLE you.
crush: But I don't want you to feel like you are wasting your time...and that is what I kinda got from your blog...
jazzylady_98: i don't wanna feel like i'm wasting time either. lol. i think that is my BIGGEST pet peeve. i hate for my time to be wasted...and i hate wasting others time..which is why if i know they are feeling me and i'm not feeling them ( ex. Chocolate tease) then i'll go ahead and tell them the deal. I told him about you. So if he chooses to still be my friend..then it's on him. But he knows that if you ever decided to take it to another level with me... i wouldn't turn you down.
crush: I feel you, but I don't want you to ever feel as though you're waiting....I want you to really "get to know me" and then decide if I'm what you want...cause you may get to know me and decide that I'm not...
jazzylady_98: yes. that's what I’ve been saying. That’s what I want!! That’s all I’m asking for. And likewise. you may get to know me and decide the same thing. so yes, you're right. i really DO want to get to know you. The good and bad. And i want you to know all about me. I know that it will be a process and we can't learn each other fully in a month..or two.. or even three. lol. I just want to feel like we're progressing in learning about each other.
jazzylady_98: which means that i want to spend time with you...i wanna talk to you...i wanna observe you... i wanna do nothing with you...i wanna do something with you... i want us to interact more. that's the only way we'll learn right?
crush: exactly! but we must establish friendship first, so that through hard times, it will remain!
jazzylady_98: i agree. a strong foundation makes a strong friendship/relationship
crush: we just have to do more of that...talking.
jazzylady_98: yeah. i agree.
jazzylady_98: we should definitely talk more.
crush: i agree
So…. After that LONG DRAWN OUT I.M. about us communicating and talking why is it that I’ve only heard from him TWICE since then? And let me tell you…it’s almost been a month. After him telling me that he’s interested…why is it that he’s nowhere to be found? Why is it? Why did he even waste my time? Or his? Especially after I TOLD him how i felt about it. If he wanted to be friends so bad, why have I been the only one trying? What was the purpose of this IM if he knew that he wasn’t gonna talk to me again? I don’t understand. I know this post was long…but if ANYONE can give me some kinda feed back… I would appreciate it.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
I just wanna get some things off my chest. I have always been a sporatic thinker...jumping from one subject to the next....but since new years day i've had so much on my mind and i just need to say some of it. each really deserves it's own post...since i honestly have though about all of these things at least once a day since then...but knowing myself...i'd never get enough time to write an individual post for each... it's just not happening...so i figured i'll just say a few words about each...and write it off.
~ Homeless does NOT mean non-fashionable, carless, jobless, or alcoholic.
It's amazing how insensitive we can become to those less fortunate. I hear people all the time talking about they don't want to give to the poor because they got on a designer watch or their have on some jordans... dude WTF? What's to say that they didn't just become homeless and had fine things before. Do you think that they were homeless all their life? Could there be ANY way that they just may have had some pitfalls and didn't have any family to turn to? Do you know that many of YOU are actually about 2 paychecks and 2 relatives away from being homeless yourself? Does that mean that all your good clothes and watches and etc are somehow supposed to dissapear?? A decent house goes for anywhere from $90,000 to half a million around here. How is that comparable to a few hundred for some shoes or a watch???
YES...there are a lot of scheming, gaming, decietful people out there on the street. I know that for a fact cuz my uncle is one. You've prolly seen his crazy behind downtown pretending to be blind. But the fact of the matter is... don't let the bad deter you from helping out the poor. How many of you had a nasty/bad/gross sammich from somewhere like McDonalds...or Wendy's? *raise yo hand... you know you have* Aight...so how many of you completely stop going to McDonalds or Wendy's because of that bad burger experience? Not many...if any. You just figured that it was a bad day..or a bad branch...but you didn't completely stop going. You gotta be the same way with everything...religion... helping the poor... etc . Just because you see some foul stuff a few times or whatnot...don't stop doing what you know you should do know. Give. Be a blessing.
Leveticus 25:35 " 'If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
Deuteronomy 15:7If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.
Deuteronomy 15:11There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
Proverbs 19:17He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD , and he will reward him for what he has done.
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If you tell someone you're interested in them... actually BE interested. The worst feeling I've had is the realization that I have been decieived. I hate deception. I'd rather you tell me I'm the ugliest, fattest, stankest female you've ever met than to tell me that you care about me/like me/are interested in me...and you aren't. I honestly believe that people like that should be flogged. Like...erryday. It's a major letdown to think so highly of someone...and then find out that it was all pretty much an act. You can only hide your true colors for so long.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them....the first time." -Maya Angelou
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If i see ONE MORE GIRL/LADY/WOMAN WEARING A PONCHO...i'm gonna scream!!!
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Men haven't changed, women have. I don't know if i was reading or watching tv...but someone was talking about how mixed up this dating/sex/marriage thing is these days. And while we all have our opinions about it...he had a VERY good thery concerning why these days, it's so hard to know whether or not your dating/in a relationship with someone. I honestly believe this is why people all of a sudden want to become EXTRA SPECIAL and be the first to announce that they HATE titles and they'd rather just not ever use "labels".... (which is a whole nother rant in itself...and i'll prolly write about that thursday...lol) But anyways... i used to think it was just me that felt that way. I always had a hard time figuring out what the heck was going on between me and a guy. We'd be doing all these "couple" things...yet he never would come out and be like...we're together. Anyways...that got me to thinking about relationships and what not...
he also talked about how back in the day, you had two types of females... the wives (or potential wives) and the harlots/prostitutes. You would get you a nice PYT to marry and then you all would have a "respectable" relationship and when you wanted to do some kinky, wild stuff...you'd go down to the Saloon...and tussle with some harlot. Then he said that nowadays, men are confused because women have changed so much. They play with the ones their supposed to marry....and marry the ones they are supposed to play with. lol. I find this to be kinda true. But why? Why are guys so confused now? I figured cuz now...we (women) have become so available...and so "unrestrained/uncensored"...that we all seem the same. There is no line. There is no this side vs. that. We're all good and bad. So the men just pick and choose over us all. It's weird. I'm not saying we should go back to being blind and having this boring relationship with our husbands while he goes and screws around with the local girl...but we should look at maybe finding a way to change their mentality too about having more than one girl...
*********************************************************************************
The end of time is so near that it's scary. Actually let me take that back. I don't mean that the world is coming to an end. That's not true. I mean, theRapture could be any day now...and the Tribulation Years I kinda believe we're already starting to have them...that it's not even funny anymore. If you just sit back and watch some of the things that has been happening in the world today, there's no way that a true believer in the Word of God could take these occurences lightly. You know what.... i was gonna go into detail... but i think i'll save this for a post of it's own. It deserves a post of it's own.
Actually...all the rest of my thoughts do to. Maybe i'll just stop here...and continue later. Until then.....peace and abundant blessings.
~ Homeless does NOT mean non-fashionable, carless, jobless, or alcoholic.
It's amazing how insensitive we can become to those less fortunate. I hear people all the time talking about they don't want to give to the poor because they got on a designer watch or their have on some jordans... dude WTF? What's to say that they didn't just become homeless and had fine things before. Do you think that they were homeless all their life? Could there be ANY way that they just may have had some pitfalls and didn't have any family to turn to? Do you know that many of YOU are actually about 2 paychecks and 2 relatives away from being homeless yourself? Does that mean that all your good clothes and watches and etc are somehow supposed to dissapear?? A decent house goes for anywhere from $90,000 to half a million around here. How is that comparable to a few hundred for some shoes or a watch???
YES...there are a lot of scheming, gaming, decietful people out there on the street. I know that for a fact cuz my uncle is one. You've prolly seen his crazy behind downtown pretending to be blind. But the fact of the matter is... don't let the bad deter you from helping out the poor. How many of you had a nasty/bad/gross sammich from somewhere like McDonalds...or Wendy's? *raise yo hand... you know you have* Aight...so how many of you completely stop going to McDonalds or Wendy's because of that bad burger experience? Not many...if any. You just figured that it was a bad day..or a bad branch...but you didn't completely stop going. You gotta be the same way with everything...religion... helping the poor... etc . Just because you see some foul stuff a few times or whatnot...don't stop doing what you know you should do know. Give. Be a blessing.
Leveticus 25:35 " 'If one of your countrymen becomes poor and is unable to support himself among you, help him as you would an alien or a temporary resident, so he can continue to live among you.
Deuteronomy 15:7If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.
Deuteronomy 15:11There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
Proverbs 19:17He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD , and he will reward him for what he has done.
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If you tell someone you're interested in them... actually BE interested. The worst feeling I've had is the realization that I have been decieived. I hate deception. I'd rather you tell me I'm the ugliest, fattest, stankest female you've ever met than to tell me that you care about me/like me/are interested in me...and you aren't. I honestly believe that people like that should be flogged. Like...erryday. It's a major letdown to think so highly of someone...and then find out that it was all pretty much an act. You can only hide your true colors for so long.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them....the first time." -Maya Angelou
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If i see ONE MORE GIRL/LADY/WOMAN WEARING A PONCHO...i'm gonna scream!!!
******************************************************************************
Men haven't changed, women have. I don't know if i was reading or watching tv...but someone was talking about how mixed up this dating/sex/marriage thing is these days. And while we all have our opinions about it...he had a VERY good thery concerning why these days, it's so hard to know whether or not your dating/in a relationship with someone. I honestly believe this is why people all of a sudden want to become EXTRA SPECIAL and be the first to announce that they HATE titles and they'd rather just not ever use "labels".... (which is a whole nother rant in itself...and i'll prolly write about that thursday...lol) But anyways... i used to think it was just me that felt that way. I always had a hard time figuring out what the heck was going on between me and a guy. We'd be doing all these "couple" things...yet he never would come out and be like...we're together. Anyways...that got me to thinking about relationships and what not...
he also talked about how back in the day, you had two types of females... the wives (or potential wives) and the harlots/prostitutes. You would get you a nice PYT to marry and then you all would have a "respectable" relationship and when you wanted to do some kinky, wild stuff...you'd go down to the Saloon...and tussle with some harlot. Then he said that nowadays, men are confused because women have changed so much. They play with the ones their supposed to marry....and marry the ones they are supposed to play with. lol. I find this to be kinda true. But why? Why are guys so confused now? I figured cuz now...we (women) have become so available...and so "unrestrained/uncensored"...that we all seem the same. There is no line. There is no this side vs. that. We're all good and bad. So the men just pick and choose over us all. It's weird. I'm not saying we should go back to being blind and having this boring relationship with our husbands while he goes and screws around with the local girl...but we should look at maybe finding a way to change their mentality too about having more than one girl...
*********************************************************************************
The end of time is so near that it's scary. Actually let me take that back. I don't mean that the world is coming to an end. That's not true. I mean, theRapture could be any day now...and the Tribulation Years I kinda believe we're already starting to have them...that it's not even funny anymore. If you just sit back and watch some of the things that has been happening in the world today, there's no way that a true believer in the Word of God could take these occurences lightly. You know what.... i was gonna go into detail... but i think i'll save this for a post of it's own. It deserves a post of it's own.
Actually...all the rest of my thoughts do to. Maybe i'll just stop here...and continue later. Until then.....peace and abundant blessings.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Tryin to be like Mary J...
Last Wednesday 5:40pm
*celly rings again*
I knew it had to be either 'Tika or RP because all of the people close to me know not to call me on wednesdays because after work it's the gym and after the gym it's bible study. I look at the phone as i slide on my sports bra. Sure enough...RP's number is lighting up my screen. Taking a deep breath I say "hello?"
"Um...hey Sway. I know you're tired of me bothering you but I have one more question." 'Tika says in a shaky voice.
I could tell that whatever question she asks next was something she wasn't really prepared to hear the answer to. I felt kinda sorry for her even though she put me through MUCH hell back in the day. I know what it feels like to love someone you think is committed to you and all of a sudden feel like he's cheating. The sad part about this whole scenario is that RP HAS CHEATED...just not with me.
"Yeah... go 'head" I say as I anticipate her question. I sat down in the LA fitness locker room and looked at my watch. I had 5 minutes to get to my step aerobic class...but i had a feeling that depending on how i answered this question, I may have missed it.
"Is this the first time RP has contacted you?" She blurted out. Her voice cracked with pained memories that i know stays there constantly in the back of her mind...of a time when it was I asking her these same questions.
I wasn't quite sure what i should say. I knew if i told her no, she'd want to know how much we talked...and honestly, if she found that out...she would definitely think we were having an affair. 'Tika could never grasp the truth about RP and I...which is that no matter what happens...he and I will be friends for life. To her, I will always be someone that he will cheat with. But lying to her and telling her that this WAS the first time RP and I had spoke was not the answer either. I hate lying....especially when i'm innocent.
"Tika, i think that this is a matter that should be taken up with you and RP. I'm sorry. " I heard myself saying after a few quiet and uncomfortable seconds. This feels like Deja vu. I never thought I'd hear myself say the SAME thing that she told me 4 years ago. I was very upset at her for not telling me what was going on with them back then and I couldn't understand why she couldn't just talk to me woman to woman about it....but now it all makes sense.
It's not about me... or her for that matter. This is about him...and what he's doing. She needs to check HIM. It's THEIR relationship...so THEY should be the ones talking.
I heard her give me one of those "i know you didn't" sighs... and before she could snap on me... i hit the end button and locked my phone in the locker with the rest of my belongings. I'm not sure how many times she called back...but by the time I got out of Bible Study that night...my phone was not ringing. I hate drama...and Lord knows that I have had more than enough of my share. So I refuse to be in someone elses drama when I can just remove myself from it. I don't know what happened after that. She didn't call after that day...and neither has he. I give him till next week before he sneaks and calls. I'm just glad that nothing escalated out of that. If I can manuever myself outta all of the future situations i may encounter this year as i did that one... then 2005 will be a really good year. lol
*celly rings again*
I knew it had to be either 'Tika or RP because all of the people close to me know not to call me on wednesdays because after work it's the gym and after the gym it's bible study. I look at the phone as i slide on my sports bra. Sure enough...RP's number is lighting up my screen. Taking a deep breath I say "hello?"
"Um...hey Sway. I know you're tired of me bothering you but I have one more question." 'Tika says in a shaky voice.
I could tell that whatever question she asks next was something she wasn't really prepared to hear the answer to. I felt kinda sorry for her even though she put me through MUCH hell back in the day. I know what it feels like to love someone you think is committed to you and all of a sudden feel like he's cheating. The sad part about this whole scenario is that RP HAS CHEATED...just not with me.
"Yeah... go 'head" I say as I anticipate her question. I sat down in the LA fitness locker room and looked at my watch. I had 5 minutes to get to my step aerobic class...but i had a feeling that depending on how i answered this question, I may have missed it.
"Is this the first time RP has contacted you?" She blurted out. Her voice cracked with pained memories that i know stays there constantly in the back of her mind...of a time when it was I asking her these same questions.
I wasn't quite sure what i should say. I knew if i told her no, she'd want to know how much we talked...and honestly, if she found that out...she would definitely think we were having an affair. 'Tika could never grasp the truth about RP and I...which is that no matter what happens...he and I will be friends for life. To her, I will always be someone that he will cheat with. But lying to her and telling her that this WAS the first time RP and I had spoke was not the answer either. I hate lying....especially when i'm innocent.
"Tika, i think that this is a matter that should be taken up with you and RP. I'm sorry. " I heard myself saying after a few quiet and uncomfortable seconds. This feels like Deja vu. I never thought I'd hear myself say the SAME thing that she told me 4 years ago. I was very upset at her for not telling me what was going on with them back then and I couldn't understand why she couldn't just talk to me woman to woman about it....but now it all makes sense.
It's not about me... or her for that matter. This is about him...and what he's doing. She needs to check HIM. It's THEIR relationship...so THEY should be the ones talking.
I heard her give me one of those "i know you didn't" sighs... and before she could snap on me... i hit the end button and locked my phone in the locker with the rest of my belongings. I'm not sure how many times she called back...but by the time I got out of Bible Study that night...my phone was not ringing. I hate drama...and Lord knows that I have had more than enough of my share. So I refuse to be in someone elses drama when I can just remove myself from it. I don't know what happened after that. She didn't call after that day...and neither has he. I give him till next week before he sneaks and calls. I'm just glad that nothing escalated out of that. If I can manuever myself outta all of the future situations i may encounter this year as i did that one... then 2005 will be a really good year. lol
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Surprise Surprise...
I had high hopes of starting the new year off right. I made sure I got back on track spiritually. Somewhere in these last few months I had veered off the path slightly. It’s scary how you can do that and not realize it until you look around and find that you have wondered off from God. I feel like I’m 3 or 4 years old again in the mall with my mom and just excited to be walking around and my mom warns me not to get lost and to stay by her side…but like a curious little kid I go wandering under clothes racks or over to the Barbie doll section and before I know it, I look up and can’t find her. That’s how I felt towards the end of December. I knew that God was still here beside me, guiding me…but somehow… I started doing my own thang and when I looked up, I didn’t see him right away and realized that I had ventured off. So I’m thankful for Him getting me back on track. I also made sure that I was physically well. I’ve gotten all my “womanly” tests done with clear results and I’ve been hitting the gym and eating better so that I can become healthier. My finances are going pretty well. Got a nice little merit increase and I paid off 3 of my largest bills last year. I really thought I was starting it off right…
Yesterday 5:05pm
*celly rings*
I look down and see RP’s number on my phone. I know I’ve never discussed my college years or my ex-fiance with you all…so I guess I’ll have to give you some background on RP later.
“Hello.” I scratchily answer between sniffles. Unfortunately all the vitamin C I’ve been taking didn’t defend me from this cold I’m developing.
This is the second time he’s called today. He’s been calling a lot lately since his wife has been out of the house. Unfortunately because of our tumultuous past, He’s not allowed to call me anymore. It’s pretty safe to say that his wife hates me. He as well as our mutual friends have told me on numerous occasions that she doesn’t even allow the mention of my name in her presence. There was one time where he slipped and called her by my name and received from her what friends have described to me as the fastest, hardest “B*tch slap” they’ve ever seen. So imagine my surprise when I heard her curious, but slightly annoyed voice on the other end.
“Uh… Hi. This is ‘Tika. Who…uh.. who is this?”
I was just getting off the elevator at work and heading to my car. The day had been wonderful. I was feeling great, looking great. Life was...great. Then SHE called. I didn’t realize that I stopped dead in my tracks upon hearing her voice until the people behind me kinda mumbled and gave me the eye as they walked around me and on to their cars. My world slightly shook. The history and overlap of me and Tika could take a week to explain in itself. We’ve had sort of a triangle thing going on since 2001 with RP and it never seems to end. ‘Tika and I haven’t spoken since 2002 when I found out that my then fiancé RP, was also sleeping with her. That day in May when she and I spoke, I told her that I was through with him. She vowed the same, yet a year later they were married and I am somehow became her arch nemesis. Everytime I hear her voice…floods of memories come back from the 4 years he and I were together…and all the drama that went on between Him, Me…and She.
“This is Sway, ‘Tika. How are you?” I say kinda dryly as I began walking to my car and wondering why after 2 almost 3 years she is calling me. WHAT NOW??
“I’m okay, considering.” She retorted back. “I see that RP called you earlier today huh?”
Thinking to myself…honey, RP calls me twice a week minimum since 2002. Though he’s a lying, cheating, deceitful boyfriend and husband, he’s a very good friend.
As weird as it may sound, he and I remained good friends even after all the drama that unfolded between us in our relationship. Our friendship is one that can’t really be explained. Weird in nature…but it works for us.
“Uh…I guess he did. Not sure. I’m just leaving work”. I said non-chalantly as I opened my car door and threw my laptop bag in the backseat.
“Oh. Well…thanks.” She said…as I sensed her anger building up.
I said uh-huh…and clicked the end button on my cell. As I sat in the car I realized that my hands were shaking. I hate drama. I knew she’d call back for more info. I knew she was gonna fly off the handle at him for contacting me. She and I both knew that I was his kryptonite…his weakness. Though he cheated on me with her… we all know that if I wanted him back, I could have had him. He can’t seem to let me go even though he knows that it’s jeopardizing his marriage. And honestly, I don’t want him to jeopardize it because I know that I won’t be there like he thinks. I know they think that if they don’t work out… he’ll come crawling to me… (which he would)…and I’ll take him in (which I wouldn’t). So I’ve always been a sticky subject in their household. Nevertheless…I don’t wanna see him hurt like that. I don’t want him…so his best bet is to stick it out with her.
Feeling kinda bad… I began driving to the gym. When I got to the light, I figured that I should call him and warn him. I hate for him to be “set up” when there was honestly NOTHING going on between us.
“Hey puntin” he happily says as he answers his cell.
“Hey, can you talk?” I ask with concern in my voice. I should have known that he could talk since he used his favorite nickname for me. When he said that he had a minute…I began to tell him the encounter I had with his wife.
“oh… dang…well thanks for letting me know. *sigh* She’s gonna be pissed.” He said calmly.
I knew he was stressing though. I know almost everything there is to know about him. I could feel him working up some kind of lie to reassure her that he only called me today for a specific reason. He couldn’t have her knowing that he’s never stopped calling me…despite that being one of her requirements for their getting married. He had too much at stake.
“Whatcha got RP? What’s your story” I sarcastically say. I wanted to know in case she calls and asks me. She was just like that. She’ll blow small things out of proportion because she's very insecure when it comes to me. And i don't blame her. Not to sound concieted or anything, but if i were her, I'd be scared of me too. Why? Because in a sense, I have the power. I hold the key to thier future...and though I'm not evil and vindictive like that...I could very easily meddle in their marriage and cause some stuff to go down. But I wouldn't do that. I'm so over and above that. Yet, I understand her logic...which is why i don't stress to much about her ridiculous rules when it comes to me.
“Well…I’ll tell her that you called me a few days ago to see if I wanted my stuff out of your garage since you were doing some cleaning and had planned to throw it all away.”
He effortlessly lied.
“Hmm…think she’ll buy it?” I say. Thinking that it sounded like crap.
“yeah…I’ll doctor it up. I’m a good 5 minutes from home. I got time to think.”
RP really IS a very good lier. He could make up something in the blink of an eye. It’s just kinda crazy to me that he HAS to lie…since there’s nothing going on.
We hung up and I walked into the gym to get my step aerobics on…all the while thinking about which one of them was gonna call me back later on…and what’s gonna become of it.
More details later…
Yesterday 5:05pm
*celly rings*
I look down and see RP’s number on my phone. I know I’ve never discussed my college years or my ex-fiance with you all…so I guess I’ll have to give you some background on RP later.
“Hello.” I scratchily answer between sniffles. Unfortunately all the vitamin C I’ve been taking didn’t defend me from this cold I’m developing.
This is the second time he’s called today. He’s been calling a lot lately since his wife has been out of the house. Unfortunately because of our tumultuous past, He’s not allowed to call me anymore. It’s pretty safe to say that his wife hates me. He as well as our mutual friends have told me on numerous occasions that she doesn’t even allow the mention of my name in her presence. There was one time where he slipped and called her by my name and received from her what friends have described to me as the fastest, hardest “B*tch slap” they’ve ever seen. So imagine my surprise when I heard her curious, but slightly annoyed voice on the other end.
“Uh… Hi. This is ‘Tika. Who…uh.. who is this?”
I was just getting off the elevator at work and heading to my car. The day had been wonderful. I was feeling great, looking great. Life was...great. Then SHE called. I didn’t realize that I stopped dead in my tracks upon hearing her voice until the people behind me kinda mumbled and gave me the eye as they walked around me and on to their cars. My world slightly shook. The history and overlap of me and Tika could take a week to explain in itself. We’ve had sort of a triangle thing going on since 2001 with RP and it never seems to end. ‘Tika and I haven’t spoken since 2002 when I found out that my then fiancé RP, was also sleeping with her. That day in May when she and I spoke, I told her that I was through with him. She vowed the same, yet a year later they were married and I am somehow became her arch nemesis. Everytime I hear her voice…floods of memories come back from the 4 years he and I were together…and all the drama that went on between Him, Me…and She.
“This is Sway, ‘Tika. How are you?” I say kinda dryly as I began walking to my car and wondering why after 2 almost 3 years she is calling me. WHAT NOW??
“I’m okay, considering.” She retorted back. “I see that RP called you earlier today huh?”
Thinking to myself…honey, RP calls me twice a week minimum since 2002. Though he’s a lying, cheating, deceitful boyfriend and husband, he’s a very good friend.
As weird as it may sound, he and I remained good friends even after all the drama that unfolded between us in our relationship. Our friendship is one that can’t really be explained. Weird in nature…but it works for us.
“Uh…I guess he did. Not sure. I’m just leaving work”. I said non-chalantly as I opened my car door and threw my laptop bag in the backseat.
“Oh. Well…thanks.” She said…as I sensed her anger building up.
I said uh-huh…and clicked the end button on my cell. As I sat in the car I realized that my hands were shaking. I hate drama. I knew she’d call back for more info. I knew she was gonna fly off the handle at him for contacting me. She and I both knew that I was his kryptonite…his weakness. Though he cheated on me with her… we all know that if I wanted him back, I could have had him. He can’t seem to let me go even though he knows that it’s jeopardizing his marriage. And honestly, I don’t want him to jeopardize it because I know that I won’t be there like he thinks. I know they think that if they don’t work out… he’ll come crawling to me… (which he would)…and I’ll take him in (which I wouldn’t). So I’ve always been a sticky subject in their household. Nevertheless…I don’t wanna see him hurt like that. I don’t want him…so his best bet is to stick it out with her.
Feeling kinda bad… I began driving to the gym. When I got to the light, I figured that I should call him and warn him. I hate for him to be “set up” when there was honestly NOTHING going on between us.
“Hey puntin” he happily says as he answers his cell.
“Hey, can you talk?” I ask with concern in my voice. I should have known that he could talk since he used his favorite nickname for me. When he said that he had a minute…I began to tell him the encounter I had with his wife.
“oh… dang…well thanks for letting me know. *sigh* She’s gonna be pissed.” He said calmly.
I knew he was stressing though. I know almost everything there is to know about him. I could feel him working up some kind of lie to reassure her that he only called me today for a specific reason. He couldn’t have her knowing that he’s never stopped calling me…despite that being one of her requirements for their getting married. He had too much at stake.
“Whatcha got RP? What’s your story” I sarcastically say. I wanted to know in case she calls and asks me. She was just like that. She’ll blow small things out of proportion because she's very insecure when it comes to me. And i don't blame her. Not to sound concieted or anything, but if i were her, I'd be scared of me too. Why? Because in a sense, I have the power. I hold the key to thier future...and though I'm not evil and vindictive like that...I could very easily meddle in their marriage and cause some stuff to go down. But I wouldn't do that. I'm so over and above that. Yet, I understand her logic...which is why i don't stress to much about her ridiculous rules when it comes to me.
“Well…I’ll tell her that you called me a few days ago to see if I wanted my stuff out of your garage since you were doing some cleaning and had planned to throw it all away.”
He effortlessly lied.
“Hmm…think she’ll buy it?” I say. Thinking that it sounded like crap.
“yeah…I’ll doctor it up. I’m a good 5 minutes from home. I got time to think.”
RP really IS a very good lier. He could make up something in the blink of an eye. It’s just kinda crazy to me that he HAS to lie…since there’s nothing going on.
We hung up and I walked into the gym to get my step aerobics on…all the while thinking about which one of them was gonna call me back later on…and what’s gonna become of it.
More details later…
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