Boomerang

Feb 1st, 2008
6:45 am


I am a person of routine. I don’t mean to be, but I find that getting into a habit helps me remember things that I normally wouldn’t remember. Like taking my vitamins…or making sure my plants are fed.

For the last year or so, I’ve had the same routine. I yawn and stretch before moaning about getting out of my cozy bed. It’s usually still dark, and I don’t mind since I’ve adjusted just fine to it the few times a night I get up to use the restroom. I put on my glasses and jump off my bed. My pink bunny slippers are always a hair off from where I jump so I shuffle my feet around until I find them. I grab my cell phone, check the time again and head to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

Today was the first time I ever had a text waiting.

Usually I hear my phone when it chimes during the night and I, a person who is impatient and nosey, look at them right then and there. But somehow this one slipped through the cracks.

I flipped my phone open and wondered who it could be. The phone light made me momentarily squint as I expertly maneuvered my way past my dresser and into the hall.


Is it too late? Could u ever trust me again? U know what I’m thinking about. Been thinking for a while. Sorry 2 lay this on u all of a sudden.

Usher
Jan 31st
2:49am


I dropped my phone. I didn’t mean to but my hands involuntarily shook.
I wasn’t expecting the text to be from him. And I definitely wasn’t expecting the text to say what it said.

He was right. I did know what he was thinking about. He wanted to get back together.

I calmly texted him back and went to wash my face and brush my teeth, knowing that he wouldn’t get it until later since he was fast asleep by now. He gets off of work every night at midnight and by the time I’m up, he’s about midway into his sleep.

I continue to get dress as I gather my feelings about the situation.

I love Usher. There’s never been a time during our relationship or thereafter that I doubted this. He’s one of those people that will drive you crazy and you’d want to kick him repeatedly, but he’s so charismatic that even then, you can’t stop smiling and thinking…"This guy is something else."

It was common knowledge in our relationship that if either one of us left the other, there was no coming back. Yet here we were. 2.5 months later. And he's asking for the very think I told him I wouldn't give him again. Only... I think that for him, I could.

Lord knows after the whole HalfNakedGirl incident, the thing I wanted most was to be out of love with him. I was ready to move on. It was clear to me that he had and I did not want to play the lovestruck victim role. Nope. I wanted to move on. I tried too. I didn't call him. Tried to be short if we did have any communication. I went out on dates...enjoyed my me time. Read billions of inspirational pick me ups and enlightening books. I was determined to move forward.

But there was something about Usher.

I couldn’t force him out of my system just yet and it drove me crazy.

After getting dressed, I grabbed my phone and saw that I had another text.

He’s still awake? He must be serious.

I get in my car and text him again while I’m warming up my car.

This all seem so surreal to me. For a month after we decided to break up, I had this crazy idea that he’d one day pop up at my house or job(s) and beg for me to take him back. Day after day I’d find myself looking for his car when I pulled up in my parking lot, looking for him at the marta station, glancing around at ever passing guy in hopes of seeing him. Denial is a mutha! I finally realized that there was no more “us”...that he wasn't going to one day miraculously pop up and say that he missed me and he loved me and he wanted me back. I stopped hoping and I started taking steps to heal.

Then this happens. My crazy dream has finally come true and instead of feeling elated, I feel ...scared. I haven't smiled, or celebrated. I haven't allowed myself to really even believe yet. I guess because I feel like at any moment someone was going to come up behind me and yell… SIIIIIIIIIIIKE!


Usher, it may be hard for me at first to trust you because of how things went down, but I do believe that time and love will help. I text back.

I guess I am giving him another chance. Something I said I wouldn’t do. I didn’t do it for TD, Anthony, or even for TG, but here I am with Usher. Giving him a second chance. Giving US a second chance.

We talked that morning briefly while I was on the train.

He told me that he never stopped loving me. And he never really wanted to break up. It was just our circumstances at the time that was making it difficult to be together and he saw how unhappy I was. He didn't want to be the cause of that and he didn't want me to eventually resent him.

He expressed his fears and concerns about our relationship and I expressed mine.
After 20 minutes or so of phone time, we decided to take it slow. I told him that I didn’t want to just jump right back in where we left off. I think part of our problem was that we got too serious too quickly. I think we should just date each other for a while. Lay down a better foundation. He was cool with that. So… I guess I’ll have a valentine's date after all.