So I celebrated v-day yesterday.
It was quite a messy, dark, rainy, cold day. But we managed to find a bit of warmth in knowing that this is our first "romantic" outing since we decided to slowly work on a better relationship.
I had fun. I wasn't too fond of the food's amount/quality/price ratio, but I enjoyed the ambiance of Ray's in the City. Our waiter reminded me alot of my first real boyfriend, which kinda messed with my head a little, but other than that, he was on his job. Usher and I had a nice conversation about a little of everything and I even got him to taste my sushi appetizer. Of course he thought it was nasty as all get out, but at least he tried it.
Today I'm in a mellow mood. The weather is just as yucky as it was yesterday and it's quite depressing. It's great for sitting at home and curling up to a great book and hot cocoa. However, I'm not at home. I wore grey today to align myself with the world. Well at least from where I'm standing.
I'm having second thoughts about whether or not this is the right thing to do with Usher.
Not that I don't love him, or enjoy our time together, but as he begins to get back comfortable in our "togetherness", I'm starting to hear the same old tune from him.
I'm scared.
Usher has always talked about his "plans" and his life and what he hopes to accomplish. But one of the main reasons for our break up and my unhappiness in this relationship was because I felt as though I never fit into his future. It was never about "us" and "our"... it was always about him.
It doesn't seem to have changed much and that scares me.
It's hard to have peace when your head says one thing and your heart says another. It's even harder when they both say the same thing, but at different times. I guess I just have to pray and believe that in time, God will allow all things to work out the way they are suppose to, and that I will be content with whatever He chooses to do.
It's much harder than it sounds. But I've been through alot worse. I'm learning to just flow with things sometime. I'm alive for a reason. I have a purpose. And while I'm not quite sure what it is, I know if I allow God to guide me, He'll get me there when He's good and ready.
With or without Usher.
Please don't get it wrong. I've had a lovely time these few weeks. I've been much happier than I have been since September probably.
But on days such as this, my mind goes into overload, and I think about things that are just below the surface. Like despite our good times, smiles and hugs, the same issues we had before the breakup are still there. How are we going to handle it this time around?
I guess only time will tell.
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