I’m not gone, but I am hiding myself for a while. When sudden experiences shift your life in such a way it has mine, one learns to retreat and regroup.
I had many questions. Still do really. I’ve never been as confident in something as I was my relationship with TG…and to have that torn in front of my very eyes…without an understandable reason left me rightfully confused…hurt…and angry.
The anger quickly subsided, as the Greater One within me does not permit me to stay that way for long. But confusion did reign right next to disappointment, and humiliation. I never thought I’d feel this many negative emotions about something I KNOW I heard from God.
That’s why I had to go back to my secret place…get on my knees and ask God what’s going on.
I still don’t hear anything. Yet I know that something went wrong.
God doesn’t lie or fail, which only leads me to believe one of two things…
1. I didn’t hear God correctly when I thought TG was the one for me.
or
2. I heard God just fine, and we’ll be together sometime in the future.
To be honest, the way things were left, I am gonna have to go with the former.
I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. A mistake that I am gravely paying for. A mistake I NEVER want to make again. I pray I never make this mistake again. It cost me more than I wanted to pay. So where do I go from here??
TG came to my job today to give me the rest of my stuff back. I did the same. Usually, when a relationship ends, I like the last sight of me to be a good one. I usually fix myself up EXTRA nice… look great, smell great, looking nonchalant….not even letting them know I care.
Not with TG. I look just how I feel. In fact, I looked so bad today, he’s probably GLAD we’re not together. It was awkward seeing the man I never thought would leave, preparing to leave. I hadn’t seen him since New Years. He still looked like my husband. I think that hurt the most. I sure wanted to feel differently about him. To see him and feel nothing. It didn’t happen. He apologized for the umpteen time and told me that he’s gonna give me all of his numbers just in case I ever need him, or wanna see how he’s doing. I know I won’t call. I think he knows it too.
I didn’t have much to say. I knew I wouldn’t. Everything that would have came out would have came out angry, hurt, and in chunks because I’m sure I would have gotten all emotional. I tried hard not too look at him, not to make this hard. Not to tell him how I felt and not to cry. I was good up until the “goodbye hug”. Those arms I’ll never feel again. My head habitually fell on his chest and I realized it’ll never do that again. I’ll never smell him again. The reality set in so heavily that tears began to flow before I could even turn and say goodbye. I shook myself away from him and went to my car. He drove off, oblivious to the fact that my world was shook. I am seriously broken. I thought that I’d be better by now. But this final goodbye did more to me than I thought it would.
I wrote him a letter this morning. I knew we were doing the “exchange” thing today…and I still had stuff I needed him to know.
He called me an hour after leaving me in sobs to tell me he made it home safely and that he read my letter. No words could explain how excruciatingly hurtful it is to just sit by and watch the love of your life walk OUT of your life. But I would never beg anyone to stay. I wouldn’t want him to if I had to beg him. So my lips rested themselves as he awkwardly tried to respond to my letter. He told me there would always be a special place for me in his heart. He wished me the best. I tried to do the same…but it didn’t come out.
We said our goodbyes.
Now I’m at my desk again. Wiping familiar tears from my cheek. Listening to my inspirational Gospel music. Praying that God mends my heart and mind quickly.
Still soul searching.
Still wondering what God’s voice sound like.
Still wondering how I’ll know when I hear it.
Still wondering if I did hear it.
Still wondering…
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