QUIT DIS B****!!! (C&D '06)
It's been 3 years.
I've laughed...cried.
Got mad...got glad.
Went from "he's so wonderful" to "he ain't sh**!"
3 years of my life is here...
and i think it's time to call it quits.
Blogging has been a great joy for me. In fact, I may start an entire new blog one day...who knows. All i know is right now... i know it's time to throw in the towel for Perfect Chaos.
I will be back to do a "over the years" post complete with pictures of some of the people I've talked about. I might even throw in a quiz for those who have been faithful readers...and give the winner a prize or something.
We'll see. *shrug*
Oh wait...before i go. I guess I should at least tie up a few of the loose ends from my last post.
THE CAR
Well... I didn't actually take it to the dealership that next day like i planned. I was like... man...screw this. I need a car. lol So I rode it til the very end.
Last friday morning... I was awaken to the sound of my car being taken away. They had called monday to ask me to get the car signed in my name OR ELSE. I didn't want to do it because I'd already been having problems with the car...and now the transmission was so bad that I literally COULDN'T REVERSE. *smh* Plus, the amount still owed on the car was ridiculously high and I could get a practically brand new car instead. So, I replied to them that while I'd continue paying the notes, I refuse to sign my name on any dotted line concerning this car. Friday... they came and got the car.
Darn it! Now how in the heck am I gonna get to work??
My moms gave me a ride...and i'm so happy that Usher has a car now because I called him to come pick me up from work.
"Can u take me to Rick Case baby? I wanna go look at that car we looked at a few weeks ago again."
"Aight" He smirked. He thought it was funny that I was carless and he's the one having to take me around now.
It's not gonna be for long buddy. Trust that.
We get to the dealership and talk to Jayson again. We were referred to him by Usher's best friend.
"Shawty, go to Jayson. He's a cool azz dude. He'll hook you up. Plus, if you buy something, I'll get $300 for referring you." He mentioned to us a few weeks back when I told him I was considering buying a car.
Jayson might have been cool...but he's still a car salesman trying to make that money. I had found the car he tried to sell me previously on the internet for $4000 cheaper. Usher called him out on it this time when we got there and it became a little heated. Jayson tried to explain what happened...and how the internet price is if you were buying the car cash. So we sitting there...negotiating...getting them to lower my payments IF i decided to by... and lowering the total cost of the car. Finally I'm more at ease with the price.
We spent 2.5 hours there...and I drove out in my new whip.
Thank you God!
When one door closes...another one opens. What a blessing.
THE TICKETS
Well for a while I thought that ole girl lost my tickets because they weren't in the system for a month. But I called 2 weeks ago and there they were. One for $185...the other for $140. That is some BS. So I'm fighting them. Court is monday. Wish me luck!
THE TOOTHACHE
I guess sometimes it's good to be a hustla. Usher is a man's man. You know... he's good at sports, driving fast cars, spades, domino's, madden, and betting. Nothing I'm really into.(except the sports thing)
Well he has plenty of guy friends whom he often hangs with. They get together and smoke...talk that cold cash...and of couse engage in some kind of "negro i'm better than you, let's bet on it to see" activity.
So I've been really broke lately. Between saving for a down payment on a new car, and maintaining that old one... I have been strapped. Usher of course had been let go...and found out that his job had denied his unemployment check request. So he's appealing that, but until the hearing, he's completely out of cash as well. Times are hard...and his toothache is getting worse. He'd been taking the pain meds he got earlier this year for his back to get him through those nights the pain was unbearable.
I guess he said enough was enough. He was gonna make some money. So he invited his "not so legal" friends over for a friendly game of poker.
By the end of the night... let's just say he had raked up enough money to break me off a bill, pay for his root canal, take me out on a much needed date, fill my tank up, and pay his rent.
I'mma need him to do this every weekend. lol What can I say, the boy's got some hustle. :)
So that monday, he got his tooth taken care of and all is well.
THE JOB SITUATION
Okay so Usher was fired. And they denied his request for unemployment. He appealed it, and now they have a conference call with the D.O.L. to get to the bottom of this. Usher is hopeful that he'll win because true enough, the reason they gave for letting him go really ISN'T a good reason. They should have fired him for the fight... then they may have had a case. So we think he'll win. If he does, all the money that they've been witholding over the weeks will be paid in one lump sum. That would be right on time for the holidays. To make ends meet this last month, he's been doing odd jobs with his uncle. He's been making about $40 a day...everyday...which isn't bad until he gets callbacks from these other job prospects. I really admire this about Usher. He's out of work, but he's still making ends meet without asking me for money. He knows how to get his. I can appreciate that about him.
So we're keeping our fingers crossed on this new job he's looking into.
THE RELATIONSHIP
Monday Nov 6, 2006
10:04pm
Me: *calling Usher* Heeeeey baby.
Him: Wuzzup Honey.
Me: Nothing much. Getting ready to go to bed. *yawn* I'm tired.
Him: Already? Awwww. Okay.
Me: Alright. *waiting for him to start our nightly ritual. We've never went a night without saying it*
Him: *knowing I'm waiting for him* Alright Honey, You have a Good Night.
Me: You too.
Him: Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Me: *smiling* You too. *i dunno why i smile everytime he says this*
Him: Muuuuuuuaaaah!
Me: Muuuuuaaaah! *ahhh...the completion of our ritual*
Him: I love you honey.
Me: *2 second stall with mouth agape*
Did he just say he loved me?
Me: I love you too baby.
We hung up and I sat there with a crooked smile and misty eyes.
That was the first time we ever told each other we loved one another.
Maybe we will be alright. Maybe we will.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Flashback break...
Things aren’t going too well in the land of Sway these days. Things have gotten to the point where the only way I can drift off to sleep is by tricking my mind into concentrating hard on what I’d do if I won the lottery.
Problem is…I don’t play the lottery…so I have a pretty slim chance of that ever happening.
I swear it is ALWAYS something isn’t it? Does life ever have a “smooth sailing” year for me? Don’t get me wrong… it’s not at disaster level…but it’s close enough for comfort.
Usher crashed his car about a month ago. I can’t remember if I mentioned it on here or not…but yeah. He hydroplaned while going down a long curvy windy street and crashed the car on the side of the curb in some trees/shrubs. He never got it fixed. According to him, the car damage would cost more to fix than the car is actually worth…so he’s been car-less for the last month or so. It’s been fine with him although it bugged the heck out of me. He works close to home and his co-workers seem to have no problem dropping him to and fro.
Well… last week, he finally saved enough to buy another car. I was thrilled. He was too really. He came Friday to my house to pick me up. Every since I got a ticket IN September for expired tags even though my tags said September… I’ve been laying low. I tried to explain to the cop that I’ve been trying to get my tags but my stupid car won’t pass emissions.
*sidenote*
How your car gonna be a ’02 and NOT be able to pass. That ish is still new! grrrr!
*end sidenote*
Anyway…I’ve been spending ALL my money fixing every little code they said was causing my “check engine light” to come on. And still…. The light just won’t go off! I had the same problem last year…but it finally passed. This year…it’s a no go. The last thing the dealer told me is that I need a new transmission and maybe then it’ll pass. MAYBE????
If I’m going to pay a GRAND to get my transmission fixed with no guarantee that I’ll pass… then I’m gonna pass.
There’s no way I was gonna dish that out and my junk still doesn’t pass emissions. I’m not that fond of the car anyways… so I’ve officially quit the car. We’re getting a divorce. And I’m actually turning the car back in to the dealership tomorrow. (long story..don’t feel like telling) So I’ll be carless for about two weeks until I get paid again. Then I can go get the kind of car I want. That’ll be a relief. But these next 2 weeks with out a whip is NOT the business. I am sooooooo sad about that. I didn’t play this thing right…which really sucks. So I’m saving every penny I have and was happy to have my baby come rescue me from my car woes this weekend.
Saturday was fun. We went to the park and then had a “family day”. I took him to meet my aunts and cousins and etc.
He fit right in there. That’s a good thing…but a bad thing since they recruited him to play his favorite game (Madden ‘07) and made us late to our next engagement.
He finally met my sweetie pies. My cousin’s kids. I go see them at least twice a week.
As soon as he saw Zion, the 3 month old, he melted. “Sway, this is how Usher Jr. is gonna look! I can’t wait”
*record scratch…errr*
Uh…negro… you CAN wait. And you will! I had to let him know that while I really want a little one… please know that I need ‘bout a year or two to get my pockets at least halfway straight. And um….there needs to be a ring on this here finger of mine patnuh!
Anyways he and Zion hit it off really well…
Ain’t they cute?
So things were going well right?
We left there and headed to his cousin’s baby shower. It was more like a family reunion than anything. We get there 10 minutes late mind you…and there were 3 people there…none of which was the mommy-to-be, her husband, or her parents. So we’re chillin. People are pouring in and all of the “Hey’s” and “Boy you done got big’s” began to fill the room. Usher’s introducing me to his cousins, and aunts and even his grandmother who lives in Augusta. Everyone is feeling me and telling him how cute I am. He beams. We’re happy. All is well. Except for my car…but hey…at least I can get another one. *shrug*
Monday rolls around and Usher gets a tooth ache. It’s so bad that he calls me while I’m looking at used cars on my lunch break to tell me that he’s going to the dentist to figure out how to make the pain stop. About 30 minutes later he calls to tell me that his insurance doesn’t pay but so much for the procedure he needs..and that his out of pocket expense is more than he has right now. Unfortunately I can’t help him although I have it, because if I gave it to him, I know he wouldn’t be able to pay me back in time for me to get my car next week. So I’m like… call your job and ask for an advance. *sigh* He calls in and finds out that the boss needs him to come to the office first thing in the morning (which is this morning) *more sighs* Very bad news. No one goes to the office and comes out happy.
Well not only did he NOT get the advance…but he gets fired.
Blah!
I thought it was because of the fight that happened 2 weeks ago. ( I did mention the fight right?)
*Flashback*
Thursday Sept. 28th
3:38pm
Cell rings
Me: Hey baby
Usher: Hey honey…what u doin
Me: At the lil office trying to pay the taxes on my tag since my stupid car won’t pass emissions
Usher: *calmly* Oh… well can um… you come and get me. I just punched my supervisor in the face.
Me: What?!? Huh? For real? *stopping dead in my tracks*
Usher: *still calm* Yeah. I’ll tell you about it later. You coming?
Me: uh…yeah. Lemme call you back. They just called my number.
So I get on the road and I’m on my way to him. When he calls again.
Usher: Where u at?
Me: On 400. I’m about 3 exits away…but there’s SOOOO much traffic. I think there’s an accident on Holcomb Bridge or something. I’ll be there..
Usher: aight…well just call me. I’m gonna be standing on the corner. I had to leave the bldg. because my supervisor came at me with a mallet and swung on me twice. I blocked him the first time..but he called me a B*itch N*gger and I lost it. I picked his ass up and slammed him on his head. He’s unconscious. They called the ambulance…and the cops are coming…so my co-workers told me to go.
Me: *not believing what I’m hearing* Whaaaaaaaaaat??? *feeling so confused*
So I’m riding in my car with the gas face like…why the hell would you fight your supervisor? Like…for real fight. Is it that serious where ya’ll had to come to blows?
Usher hasn’t changed at all. He can be the sweetest guy…but it doesn’t change the fact that he is a complete hot head.
He got lucky though. They fired the supervisior because everyone’s account stated that the supervisor provoked Usher. Everything was squashed and Usher was back to work.
*Flashforward*
So…they didn’t fire his behind for the fight... But two weeks later…they are letting him go? Oooookay. So he’s out of a job. I’m out of a car. He has a tooth ache…and no money. I have money and need it. Tough spot.
Let’s see how this one pans out. *sigh*
Problem is…I don’t play the lottery…so I have a pretty slim chance of that ever happening.
I swear it is ALWAYS something isn’t it? Does life ever have a “smooth sailing” year for me? Don’t get me wrong… it’s not at disaster level…but it’s close enough for comfort.
Usher crashed his car about a month ago. I can’t remember if I mentioned it on here or not…but yeah. He hydroplaned while going down a long curvy windy street and crashed the car on the side of the curb in some trees/shrubs. He never got it fixed. According to him, the car damage would cost more to fix than the car is actually worth…so he’s been car-less for the last month or so. It’s been fine with him although it bugged the heck out of me. He works close to home and his co-workers seem to have no problem dropping him to and fro.
Well… last week, he finally saved enough to buy another car. I was thrilled. He was too really. He came Friday to my house to pick me up. Every since I got a ticket IN September for expired tags even though my tags said September… I’ve been laying low. I tried to explain to the cop that I’ve been trying to get my tags but my stupid car won’t pass emissions.
*sidenote*
How your car gonna be a ’02 and NOT be able to pass. That ish is still new! grrrr!
*end sidenote*
Anyway…I’ve been spending ALL my money fixing every little code they said was causing my “check engine light” to come on. And still…. The light just won’t go off! I had the same problem last year…but it finally passed. This year…it’s a no go. The last thing the dealer told me is that I need a new transmission and maybe then it’ll pass. MAYBE????
If I’m going to pay a GRAND to get my transmission fixed with no guarantee that I’ll pass… then I’m gonna pass.
There’s no way I was gonna dish that out and my junk still doesn’t pass emissions. I’m not that fond of the car anyways… so I’ve officially quit the car. We’re getting a divorce. And I’m actually turning the car back in to the dealership tomorrow. (long story..don’t feel like telling) So I’ll be carless for about two weeks until I get paid again. Then I can go get the kind of car I want. That’ll be a relief. But these next 2 weeks with out a whip is NOT the business. I am sooooooo sad about that. I didn’t play this thing right…which really sucks. So I’m saving every penny I have and was happy to have my baby come rescue me from my car woes this weekend.
Saturday was fun. We went to the park and then had a “family day”. I took him to meet my aunts and cousins and etc.
He fit right in there. That’s a good thing…but a bad thing since they recruited him to play his favorite game (Madden ‘07) and made us late to our next engagement.
He finally met my sweetie pies. My cousin’s kids. I go see them at least twice a week.
As soon as he saw Zion, the 3 month old, he melted. “Sway, this is how Usher Jr. is gonna look! I can’t wait”
*record scratch…errr*
Uh…negro… you CAN wait. And you will! I had to let him know that while I really want a little one… please know that I need ‘bout a year or two to get my pockets at least halfway straight. And um….there needs to be a ring on this here finger of mine patnuh!
Anyways he and Zion hit it off really well…
Ain’t they cute?
So things were going well right?
We left there and headed to his cousin’s baby shower. It was more like a family reunion than anything. We get there 10 minutes late mind you…and there were 3 people there…none of which was the mommy-to-be, her husband, or her parents. So we’re chillin. People are pouring in and all of the “Hey’s” and “Boy you done got big’s” began to fill the room. Usher’s introducing me to his cousins, and aunts and even his grandmother who lives in Augusta. Everyone is feeling me and telling him how cute I am. He beams. We’re happy. All is well. Except for my car…but hey…at least I can get another one. *shrug*
Monday rolls around and Usher gets a tooth ache. It’s so bad that he calls me while I’m looking at used cars on my lunch break to tell me that he’s going to the dentist to figure out how to make the pain stop. About 30 minutes later he calls to tell me that his insurance doesn’t pay but so much for the procedure he needs..and that his out of pocket expense is more than he has right now. Unfortunately I can’t help him although I have it, because if I gave it to him, I know he wouldn’t be able to pay me back in time for me to get my car next week. So I’m like… call your job and ask for an advance. *sigh* He calls in and finds out that the boss needs him to come to the office first thing in the morning (which is this morning) *more sighs* Very bad news. No one goes to the office and comes out happy.
Well not only did he NOT get the advance…but he gets fired.
Blah!
I thought it was because of the fight that happened 2 weeks ago. ( I did mention the fight right?)
*Flashback*
Thursday Sept. 28th
3:38pm
Cell rings
Me: Hey baby
Usher: Hey honey…what u doin
Me: At the lil office trying to pay the taxes on my tag since my stupid car won’t pass emissions
Usher: *calmly* Oh… well can um… you come and get me. I just punched my supervisor in the face.
Me: What?!? Huh? For real? *stopping dead in my tracks*
Usher: *still calm* Yeah. I’ll tell you about it later. You coming?
Me: uh…yeah. Lemme call you back. They just called my number.
So I get on the road and I’m on my way to him. When he calls again.
Usher: Where u at?
Me: On 400. I’m about 3 exits away…but there’s SOOOO much traffic. I think there’s an accident on Holcomb Bridge or something. I’ll be there..
Usher: aight…well just call me. I’m gonna be standing on the corner. I had to leave the bldg. because my supervisor came at me with a mallet and swung on me twice. I blocked him the first time..but he called me a B*itch N*gger and I lost it. I picked his ass up and slammed him on his head. He’s unconscious. They called the ambulance…and the cops are coming…so my co-workers told me to go.
Me: *not believing what I’m hearing* Whaaaaaaaaaat??? *feeling so confused*
So I’m riding in my car with the gas face like…why the hell would you fight your supervisor? Like…for real fight. Is it that serious where ya’ll had to come to blows?
Usher hasn’t changed at all. He can be the sweetest guy…but it doesn’t change the fact that he is a complete hot head.
He got lucky though. They fired the supervisior because everyone’s account stated that the supervisor provoked Usher. Everything was squashed and Usher was back to work.
*Flashforward*
So…they didn’t fire his behind for the fight... But two weeks later…they are letting him go? Oooookay. So he’s out of a job. I’m out of a car. He has a tooth ache…and no money. I have money and need it. Tough spot.
Let’s see how this one pans out. *sigh*
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
HE changed Me (part 3)
David was nothing like my first love, GT. GT was shy but quietly strong. Dark with a dazzling smile. He was serious about school and continuously talked about his goals. He was one of those guys most girls labeled as a “nice guy”.
David…however, was not like that. He was a complete showoff. Always entertaining a crowd…always making jokes…always dressed as if he was Tyson Beckford. Actually, I don’t think anyone could have convinced him he wasn’t Tyson. The only thing David came to school for was to chat it up with friends, and play sports.
After talking to him for a while, I realized that he was soooo not my type. His infatuation with himself and his POLO clothes irritated me to no end. Yet he persistently persued me…and the more we talked, the more he let down his guard. I got a chance to see a side of David that many didn’t even know he had. I always find the good in people. I liked the new David I saw and my interest became genuine.
We talked after school everyday for about two months. The New Year came and went. He suggested often that we go out, but every time he did I’d lie and say that I had other plans. Truth was…I quite ready to "officially date"yet. We had gotten to the point where he’d carry my books to a few of my periods…he’d sit with me and Biah at lunch…and we’d even started kicking it after school before our respected practices…but going out was a different story. That meant I had to take him home to meet my parents.
The first week back after the New Year’s break I gave in to his advances and went out on our first date. I didn’t really know what to expect. He had his own car and this would be my first time ever going on a date with out a parent driving.
Friday night came surprisingly fast, and before I knew it, my mom had interrogated him within an inch of his life…and after that… were finally free from her…from school…from everyone. We were completely alone and I was thrilled.
My first real date!!!
I had no idea what to expect. But I did know one thing… we were going to kiss a lot. Uninterupted. With no fear of a straggling teacher turning the corner afterschool and catching us.
He was a perfect gentleman that night. He opened my car door, held my hand, payed for everything…there was nothing he didn’t do.
I guess I had him pegged wrong…
What happened to our kissing all night? I wondered.
I must have been a little more curious about this stuff than he was.
He drove me home with not so much as a peck the whole night.
Maybe he’s waiting for the goodnight kiss.
Does my breath stink?
Is my lips chapped?
I casually reach into my purse and pull out my chapstick. He doesn’t seem to notice.
“So what are you doing tomorrow?” He asked.
I shrugged. “ I dunno. Nothing probably. You?”
“I was hoping to see you again.” He smiled.
“Sure” I replied. He gave me a hug and paused slightly before moving in for a small peck on my lips.
That’s it?
“Night, Sway. I’ll call you tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you.” He beamed.
Guess that IS it.
For the next 3 weeks we went out every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The peck became a kiss…which became more and more as the weeks went by.
I was loving all of the affection and attention. He was very gentle, passionate and never too overbearing. He'd initiate all contact, but always let me lead how long and what we did next.
I guess that’s why I was so surprised when one saturday night during our normal smooching session, he stood up and pulled out a rubber.
David…however, was not like that. He was a complete showoff. Always entertaining a crowd…always making jokes…always dressed as if he was Tyson Beckford. Actually, I don’t think anyone could have convinced him he wasn’t Tyson. The only thing David came to school for was to chat it up with friends, and play sports.
After talking to him for a while, I realized that he was soooo not my type. His infatuation with himself and his POLO clothes irritated me to no end. Yet he persistently persued me…and the more we talked, the more he let down his guard. I got a chance to see a side of David that many didn’t even know he had. I always find the good in people. I liked the new David I saw and my interest became genuine.
We talked after school everyday for about two months. The New Year came and went. He suggested often that we go out, but every time he did I’d lie and say that I had other plans. Truth was…I quite ready to "officially date"yet. We had gotten to the point where he’d carry my books to a few of my periods…he’d sit with me and Biah at lunch…and we’d even started kicking it after school before our respected practices…but going out was a different story. That meant I had to take him home to meet my parents.
The first week back after the New Year’s break I gave in to his advances and went out on our first date. I didn’t really know what to expect. He had his own car and this would be my first time ever going on a date with out a parent driving.
Friday night came surprisingly fast, and before I knew it, my mom had interrogated him within an inch of his life…and after that… were finally free from her…from school…from everyone. We were completely alone and I was thrilled.
My first real date!!!
I had no idea what to expect. But I did know one thing… we were going to kiss a lot. Uninterupted. With no fear of a straggling teacher turning the corner afterschool and catching us.
He was a perfect gentleman that night. He opened my car door, held my hand, payed for everything…there was nothing he didn’t do.
I guess I had him pegged wrong…
What happened to our kissing all night? I wondered.
I must have been a little more curious about this stuff than he was.
He drove me home with not so much as a peck the whole night.
Maybe he’s waiting for the goodnight kiss.
Does my breath stink?
Is my lips chapped?
I casually reach into my purse and pull out my chapstick. He doesn’t seem to notice.
“So what are you doing tomorrow?” He asked.
I shrugged. “ I dunno. Nothing probably. You?”
“I was hoping to see you again.” He smiled.
“Sure” I replied. He gave me a hug and paused slightly before moving in for a small peck on my lips.
That’s it?
“Night, Sway. I’ll call you tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you.” He beamed.
Guess that IS it.
For the next 3 weeks we went out every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The peck became a kiss…which became more and more as the weeks went by.
I was loving all of the affection and attention. He was very gentle, passionate and never too overbearing. He'd initiate all contact, but always let me lead how long and what we did next.
I guess that’s why I was so surprised when one saturday night during our normal smooching session, he stood up and pulled out a rubber.
Monday, October 02, 2006
HE changed Me (part 2)
Lakeside was a typical high school… there were groups and cliques everywhere. The cool and popular won “best dressed” and “Homecoming king/queen”…the chess and debate team were at the top of the class…and the jocks were just that….JOCKS! They had the prettiest women, got away with nothing short of murder, and everybody loved them.
My 3 best friends and I didn’t quite fit into any of the pre-made categories so we just formed our own little group. *shrug*
We had a routine. Each morning since we started our new school, we’d scramble to the downstairs bathroom in the corner…and do our hair/fix our clothes/put on our gloss and gossip until all 4 of us were ready to go together down “The Catwalk”. The Catwalk was a long narrow hallway lined on each side with groups of guys waiting to look at/make fun of/ gawk at/ try to holla at anyone that walked down it. You literally feel like the moment you turn the corner on to this corridor, you’re on the runway and everything from head to toe is on display. When I could, I avoided the Catwalk like nobody’s business, but as luck would have it, my locker was housed there. So was one of my two best friends. So for support, all four of us would walk as quickly as possible from the bathroom to our lockers.
I barely breathed from the time we turned the corner until we successfully made it to the lockers. I hated being stared at. You can feel the eyes burning on you as you walk and the uncomfortable-ness made it hard for me to breathe. I had no idea what they were thinking…and I wanted to keep it that way. If they were laughing at me…I wouldn’t know because I walked briskly and never looked in the direction of either male-studded wall. My eyes steadily stayed forward…or I shyly looked down. NEVER did I make eye contact.
A week had went by since our victory at the dome and this Friday we happened to be having a pep rally to get ready for our Saturday game in South Georgia for the Georgia Title. The morning started as usual… I got off the bus and scurried to the bathroom to see if my friends were there. ‘Biah and Tee greeted me with big smiles as I opened the bathroom door.
“I told you Sway would be next” Biah beamed. “Kelly lives 3 minutes away and is ALWAYS the last one. I don’t understand!”
I plopped my bag down on the wall by theirs and playfully squeezed in between them at the mirrors. We looked like grapes. All of us in our purple and gold “Royal Divas” t-shirts and purple shorts. This was the only time the school wavered our “shorts below your fingertips” rule. Our dance attire was cute, short, and very flattering to my figure. I could show off my legs without getting in trouble.
Finally Kelly straggled in to complete our group and we were off to our lockers like we’ve done so many times before. I took a deep breath and began my walk.
Focus Sway… don’t fall.
Act non-chalant.
Don’t listen to what they are saying…
There not laughing at you… keep walking
You’re almost there…
Don’t fall…
Breeeaaatheeeee…
A few more steps and we’re th…
“Excuse me!” Someone says.
I’ve passed the voice, but it sounds like it’s coming from someone on my right.
He’s not talking to me. I assure myself as I keep my focus on the nearing locker.
“Excuse me!” The voice rang again, slightly louder.
My girls all started looking back, so I glance across my shoulder for a quick second too and found a guy leaning forward slightly more than the other guys. HE was looking right at me.
I started slowing down and I stumbled a little over my own feet.
Shoot! Act calm, it wasn’t that noticeable.
My friends take the extra two steps towards the lockers…and although I’ve slowed down, I manage to reach them way before he reaches us.
I always thought that the rule has always been to NEVER approach a woman when she’s with her girls. He apparently didn’t get the memo.
“Um…excuse me.” He said bursting through our little half circle around the locker ignoring all my girls while extending his hand to take mine.
“I don’t mean to be rude…” He started, still not looking at any of my girls… “but um, my name is David and if it’s possible, I’d like about 5 minutes of your time this morning. Would you mind that?” He macked in a obviously fake bedroom voice.
My girls were looking at him like… I can’t believe this dude just stepped to her without even acknowledging us.
His eyes were still locked on mine though. He seemed completely uninterested in anything else in the world… including his boys down the hall laughing at him and shaking their head as if they were saying… man, she’s gonna diss him sooooooo badly. And the way I’ve been dismissing the men at this new school thus far…they were right on point to think so…
But there was something about his boldness…
The way he just singled me out in the middle of a crowded hall…
The way he had the nerve to step to me without knowing what my reaction would be… in FRONT of my girls…AND his boys…
The way he never diverted his eyes the entire time he spoke.
He wasn’t looking at my body, my legs… or my breast… but he kept his gaze on my eyes… daring me to look through him.
“um… alright.” I said as I dodged the surprised and agitated glares from the friends and wiggled my way out the semi-circle with my hands cupped in his for support.
“I’ll be right back ya’ll” I mouthed as I walked towards the other end of the hall. This school was one of the few in our city with a swimming pool. No one was allowed there during school hours so this end of the hall was always quiet.
He stopped a few steps shy of the pool entrance and turned towards me.
Wow… he looks exotic. I observed. His brown eyes were slightly slanted up and his cheek bone was high. He had such a strong face…well defined jawline, full lips, total package.
“I asked all my friends about you and no one knew anything. I couldn’t believe that because how could a girl so beautiful be such a mystery? I’d think everyone would be trying to find out more about you. You’re perfect. I mean, it must have hurt when you feel from heaven…Angel.”
I smiled.
Not because I thought it was sweet… but more because I was stiffling my urge to laugh.
Is he serious? He said that like he’s rehearsed that line a million times. Is this what I ditched my girls for?
“People have tried to find out about me. It’s just that they were trying for the wrong reasons. I don’t open up to just anyone.”
For the first time, his confident look faded and he looked down the hall as if to think of something else to say.
“Not to be mean or anything but...I’ve heard a lot of lines and I’m not really into that. I like guys who speak from the heart. When you have something to say… you know where my locker is.”
With that… I turned and walked away.
“Sway!” He says.
I stop and look at him. How does he know my name?
“Okay, okay, wait. I’m not trying to run game on you. I just want your number so maybe we can talk sometime and I can get to know you. You seem different. I just want a chance to get to know why. That’s all.”
He seemed genuine enough. His voice was now that of a typical 16 yr old. He was still confident…but I could tell that he had no idea what I was going to say next…and that was new to him.
How do you know my name? I questioned.
Well...I...uh...I saw you the first day of school and thought you were cute, but you know... it was the first day...and I was just having fun with my boys. Then I kept seeing you around all the time. You walk down this hall everyday and I always say to my boy how cute you are. But he thought you looked too "goody" for me. Then I saw you at the game last week. You were so lively and you seemed like you were a fun person. I've been asking everyone about you and found out enough to know that I was gonna come talk to you monday. But I've been....you know... it just wasn't the right time until today."
“Oh.” I found myself saying. I had no idea why I gave in so quickly. It’s just something about him.
"Well...just give me a call and maybe we can get to know each other better. I go to bed at 10:15 so call before then."
I take the pen and scrap paper he pulls from his pockets and scribble my name and number down. Relief washed over his face. It seemed to read…Mission Accomplished.
Indeed it was…
I was still clueless.
My 3 best friends and I didn’t quite fit into any of the pre-made categories so we just formed our own little group. *shrug*
We had a routine. Each morning since we started our new school, we’d scramble to the downstairs bathroom in the corner…and do our hair/fix our clothes/put on our gloss and gossip until all 4 of us were ready to go together down “The Catwalk”. The Catwalk was a long narrow hallway lined on each side with groups of guys waiting to look at/make fun of/ gawk at/ try to holla at anyone that walked down it. You literally feel like the moment you turn the corner on to this corridor, you’re on the runway and everything from head to toe is on display. When I could, I avoided the Catwalk like nobody’s business, but as luck would have it, my locker was housed there. So was one of my two best friends. So for support, all four of us would walk as quickly as possible from the bathroom to our lockers.
I barely breathed from the time we turned the corner until we successfully made it to the lockers. I hated being stared at. You can feel the eyes burning on you as you walk and the uncomfortable-ness made it hard for me to breathe. I had no idea what they were thinking…and I wanted to keep it that way. If they were laughing at me…I wouldn’t know because I walked briskly and never looked in the direction of either male-studded wall. My eyes steadily stayed forward…or I shyly looked down. NEVER did I make eye contact.
A week had went by since our victory at the dome and this Friday we happened to be having a pep rally to get ready for our Saturday game in South Georgia for the Georgia Title. The morning started as usual… I got off the bus and scurried to the bathroom to see if my friends were there. ‘Biah and Tee greeted me with big smiles as I opened the bathroom door.
“I told you Sway would be next” Biah beamed. “Kelly lives 3 minutes away and is ALWAYS the last one. I don’t understand!”
I plopped my bag down on the wall by theirs and playfully squeezed in between them at the mirrors. We looked like grapes. All of us in our purple and gold “Royal Divas” t-shirts and purple shorts. This was the only time the school wavered our “shorts below your fingertips” rule. Our dance attire was cute, short, and very flattering to my figure. I could show off my legs without getting in trouble.
Finally Kelly straggled in to complete our group and we were off to our lockers like we’ve done so many times before. I took a deep breath and began my walk.
Focus Sway… don’t fall.
Act non-chalant.
Don’t listen to what they are saying…
There not laughing at you… keep walking
You’re almost there…
Don’t fall…
Breeeaaatheeeee…
A few more steps and we’re th…
“Excuse me!” Someone says.
I’ve passed the voice, but it sounds like it’s coming from someone on my right.
He’s not talking to me. I assure myself as I keep my focus on the nearing locker.
“Excuse me!” The voice rang again, slightly louder.
My girls all started looking back, so I glance across my shoulder for a quick second too and found a guy leaning forward slightly more than the other guys. HE was looking right at me.
I started slowing down and I stumbled a little over my own feet.
Shoot! Act calm, it wasn’t that noticeable.
My friends take the extra two steps towards the lockers…and although I’ve slowed down, I manage to reach them way before he reaches us.
I always thought that the rule has always been to NEVER approach a woman when she’s with her girls. He apparently didn’t get the memo.
“Um…excuse me.” He said bursting through our little half circle around the locker ignoring all my girls while extending his hand to take mine.
“I don’t mean to be rude…” He started, still not looking at any of my girls… “but um, my name is David and if it’s possible, I’d like about 5 minutes of your time this morning. Would you mind that?” He macked in a obviously fake bedroom voice.
My girls were looking at him like… I can’t believe this dude just stepped to her without even acknowledging us.
His eyes were still locked on mine though. He seemed completely uninterested in anything else in the world… including his boys down the hall laughing at him and shaking their head as if they were saying… man, she’s gonna diss him sooooooo badly. And the way I’ve been dismissing the men at this new school thus far…they were right on point to think so…
But there was something about his boldness…
The way he just singled me out in the middle of a crowded hall…
The way he had the nerve to step to me without knowing what my reaction would be… in FRONT of my girls…AND his boys…
The way he never diverted his eyes the entire time he spoke.
He wasn’t looking at my body, my legs… or my breast… but he kept his gaze on my eyes… daring me to look through him.
“um… alright.” I said as I dodged the surprised and agitated glares from the friends and wiggled my way out the semi-circle with my hands cupped in his for support.
“I’ll be right back ya’ll” I mouthed as I walked towards the other end of the hall. This school was one of the few in our city with a swimming pool. No one was allowed there during school hours so this end of the hall was always quiet.
He stopped a few steps shy of the pool entrance and turned towards me.
Wow… he looks exotic. I observed. His brown eyes were slightly slanted up and his cheek bone was high. He had such a strong face…well defined jawline, full lips, total package.
“I asked all my friends about you and no one knew anything. I couldn’t believe that because how could a girl so beautiful be such a mystery? I’d think everyone would be trying to find out more about you. You’re perfect. I mean, it must have hurt when you feel from heaven…Angel.”
I smiled.
Not because I thought it was sweet… but more because I was stiffling my urge to laugh.
Is he serious? He said that like he’s rehearsed that line a million times. Is this what I ditched my girls for?
“People have tried to find out about me. It’s just that they were trying for the wrong reasons. I don’t open up to just anyone.”
For the first time, his confident look faded and he looked down the hall as if to think of something else to say.
“Not to be mean or anything but...I’ve heard a lot of lines and I’m not really into that. I like guys who speak from the heart. When you have something to say… you know where my locker is.”
With that… I turned and walked away.
“Sway!” He says.
I stop and look at him. How does he know my name?
“Okay, okay, wait. I’m not trying to run game on you. I just want your number so maybe we can talk sometime and I can get to know you. You seem different. I just want a chance to get to know why. That’s all.”
He seemed genuine enough. His voice was now that of a typical 16 yr old. He was still confident…but I could tell that he had no idea what I was going to say next…and that was new to him.
How do you know my name? I questioned.
Well...I...uh...I saw you the first day of school and thought you were cute, but you know... it was the first day...and I was just having fun with my boys. Then I kept seeing you around all the time. You walk down this hall everyday and I always say to my boy how cute you are. But he thought you looked too "goody" for me. Then I saw you at the game last week. You were so lively and you seemed like you were a fun person. I've been asking everyone about you and found out enough to know that I was gonna come talk to you monday. But I've been....you know... it just wasn't the right time until today."
“Oh.” I found myself saying. I had no idea why I gave in so quickly. It’s just something about him.
"Well...just give me a call and maybe we can get to know each other better. I go to bed at 10:15 so call before then."
I take the pen and scrap paper he pulls from his pockets and scribble my name and number down. Relief washed over his face. It seemed to read…Mission Accomplished.
Indeed it was…
I was still clueless.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
HE Changed Me
There was a guy.
With me there's always a guy.
I’ve always been that girlfriend who keeps herself a man. I know men aren’t accessories, but looking back, I guess I did kinda change them out like purses or shoes or something. When one man got old and worn out…I'd go get another one. I didn’t spend too much of my life single. Sometimes I feel that’s a good thing…Most times I feel it’s not. *shrug*
I never planned it that way…or got ansy when one relationship ended and I found myself by myself. I enjoyed my “ME” time… and I guess that genuine contentment radiated through me. Men were drawn to it. They wanted to get to know me and I happily let them into my life. Just like that, a relationship was born.
It was 1996 and I was starting a new school along with the rest of my classmates. Our our old high school was being converted into a middle school and it illicited many emotions from all 1500+ of us. Half of us went to Lakeside, the other half went to Tucker. I was excited to know that all my friends would be coming with me to experience our Junior year at Lakeside. It was like having the best of both worlds…having a whole new pool of people to meet without the awkwardness of being a freshman. It was the perfect blend of old and new. It gave me something to look forward to.
Well, a few weeks before the start of school, my first love decided to trade our 1.5 year relationship for the possibility of new opportunities. It hurt like hell because he was the only guy (to this day) that I saw for the first time and decided I was totally, madly, and head over heels gaga about. He was my “love-at-first-sight”. And he wanted to... explore his options. *smh* So I started school with a broken heart…and was thankful that my 3 best friends would be here with me to help me deal with that.
I never quite fit perfectly into the defined "groups" in High School. I was known, but I wouldn't call myself popular. I was in all advanced classes, but I didn't really hang with the "nerds". I guess you can say...I was a band geek although at my school, band was a respectable group to be a part of... *shrug* lol
My 8th and 9th grade years were spent playing the clarinet in marching band. When GT (my first love mentioned above) and I started dating, I decided that I wanted to join the drum core (drumline) to be closer to him at practices and games. So my 10th grade year, I did just that. Around that time I shed my “tomboy” appearance and by the time I hit my junior year….I was all woman. I felt like showing the new me off by joining the dance team. My old high school never won any football games, but you wouldn’t have known it by the way the band showed out in the stands. I knew nothing about this new school, but I did know that Friday nights wouldn’t be the same if I wasn’t still showing out at the games.
Our dance team practiced just as much, if not more, than the band. Some of the girls were cool…and the others took our “Royal Divas” name to heart. One particular girl earned the name “Nosebleed” from my friends because we figured she MUST have had one to be holding her head and nose in the air that high all the time.
Anyways, I loved dance team. I was still apart of the band and got into games for free….but we had cool, sexy outfits…and I was able to do something I genuinely loved. It was even better to have experienced it with my girls . Being a part of the dance team was a little different than playing an instrument because ALL through the game we had to perform. We had no breaks. We enjoyed the game…but we always had to keep one eye open on our captain because we never knew what was coming. We were continuously dancing. Even when we were sitting we were doing some kind of subtle dance movement. It was also different because we stood out. The band motto was the same as in the movie Drumline… ONE BAND, ONE SOUND. Band members all looked alike. There was no room for individuality there. On dance team however…we strived on being a part of the group, but being distinctly different from the next dancer. We each got a chance in the spotlight. There was a "favorite" girl for everyone. People actually looked at each of our faces... our shapes...our movements. We stood out. I stood out.
That’s how HE first saw me.
The merging of the two schools proved to be profitable for football. We had somehow managed to win almost every game that season. Our reward was being able to play our regional game at the Georgia Dome. Coming from a losing school…this was HUGE for us. I was WAY more hype than I ever could have imagined. There were camera crews everywhere and the excitement of being in the Dome just put all of us over the edge.
Halftime came and I was already exhausted from all the jumping I was doing in the stands.
Wow! I’m dancing at the DOME!! I thought to myself as I posed on the sideline.
I was sooooo excited. The crowd went wild as the beat of the drum filled the place.
Is that us??? We sound GREAT!
I began high stepping on the field.
This place is HUUUUGE! I’m soooo excited.
Since I'm “vertically challenged”, I'm always in the front. It proved to be a wonderful thing that day though.
The camera caught me in the middle of our routine and my adrenaline rushed into high gear. My kicks became higher... smile was brighter... I shook my hips like I was about to break something. I tell you the truth, that camera man was getting a SHOW from me. So much so that when we went back to the stands…he followed us and continued to get shots of us dancing throughout the 3rd and 4th quarters. That’s when I found out that we were up on the big screens at the Dome for everyone to see.
“I saw you dancing girl….who taught you how to dance like that?” My dad joked as we went to eat after our exhilarating victory.
“Momma” I said laughing… knowing she’d try her best to do a two step while my dad roll his eyes and tell me for the umpteenth time how she has no rhythm and he’s the dancer in the family.
The big screen made me a celebrity that day. I got plenty of screen time and everyone who knew me had come to tell me how crunk I looked up there.
I had no idea HE was there.
I didn’t even know who HE was.
But that night…while on the sidelines, HE saw me on the big screen.
And that night…HE asked around and found out everything he could about me.
I was being watched…talked about…and admired by someone I never knew existed.
I was oblivious to his growing attraction to me. He'd watched me the entire night act a plum fool in the stands...and I knew nothing.
I didn't know that moment would affect my life 10 years later...
to be continued...
With me there's always a guy.
I’ve always been that girlfriend who keeps herself a man. I know men aren’t accessories, but looking back, I guess I did kinda change them out like purses or shoes or something. When one man got old and worn out…I'd go get another one. I didn’t spend too much of my life single. Sometimes I feel that’s a good thing…Most times I feel it’s not. *shrug*
I never planned it that way…or got ansy when one relationship ended and I found myself by myself. I enjoyed my “ME” time… and I guess that genuine contentment radiated through me. Men were drawn to it. They wanted to get to know me and I happily let them into my life. Just like that, a relationship was born.
It was 1996 and I was starting a new school along with the rest of my classmates. Our our old high school was being converted into a middle school and it illicited many emotions from all 1500+ of us. Half of us went to Lakeside, the other half went to Tucker. I was excited to know that all my friends would be coming with me to experience our Junior year at Lakeside. It was like having the best of both worlds…having a whole new pool of people to meet without the awkwardness of being a freshman. It was the perfect blend of old and new. It gave me something to look forward to.
Well, a few weeks before the start of school, my first love decided to trade our 1.5 year relationship for the possibility of new opportunities. It hurt like hell because he was the only guy (to this day) that I saw for the first time and decided I was totally, madly, and head over heels gaga about. He was my “love-at-first-sight”. And he wanted to... explore his options. *smh* So I started school with a broken heart…and was thankful that my 3 best friends would be here with me to help me deal with that.
I never quite fit perfectly into the defined "groups" in High School. I was known, but I wouldn't call myself popular. I was in all advanced classes, but I didn't really hang with the "nerds". I guess you can say...I was a band geek although at my school, band was a respectable group to be a part of... *shrug* lol
My 8th and 9th grade years were spent playing the clarinet in marching band. When GT (my first love mentioned above) and I started dating, I decided that I wanted to join the drum core (drumline) to be closer to him at practices and games. So my 10th grade year, I did just that. Around that time I shed my “tomboy” appearance and by the time I hit my junior year….I was all woman. I felt like showing the new me off by joining the dance team. My old high school never won any football games, but you wouldn’t have known it by the way the band showed out in the stands. I knew nothing about this new school, but I did know that Friday nights wouldn’t be the same if I wasn’t still showing out at the games.
Our dance team practiced just as much, if not more, than the band. Some of the girls were cool…and the others took our “Royal Divas” name to heart. One particular girl earned the name “Nosebleed” from my friends because we figured she MUST have had one to be holding her head and nose in the air that high all the time.
Anyways, I loved dance team. I was still apart of the band and got into games for free….but we had cool, sexy outfits…and I was able to do something I genuinely loved. It was even better to have experienced it with my girls . Being a part of the dance team was a little different than playing an instrument because ALL through the game we had to perform. We had no breaks. We enjoyed the game…but we always had to keep one eye open on our captain because we never knew what was coming. We were continuously dancing. Even when we were sitting we were doing some kind of subtle dance movement. It was also different because we stood out. The band motto was the same as in the movie Drumline… ONE BAND, ONE SOUND. Band members all looked alike. There was no room for individuality there. On dance team however…we strived on being a part of the group, but being distinctly different from the next dancer. We each got a chance in the spotlight. There was a "favorite" girl for everyone. People actually looked at each of our faces... our shapes...our movements. We stood out. I stood out.
That’s how HE first saw me.
The merging of the two schools proved to be profitable for football. We had somehow managed to win almost every game that season. Our reward was being able to play our regional game at the Georgia Dome. Coming from a losing school…this was HUGE for us. I was WAY more hype than I ever could have imagined. There were camera crews everywhere and the excitement of being in the Dome just put all of us over the edge.
Halftime came and I was already exhausted from all the jumping I was doing in the stands.
Wow! I’m dancing at the DOME!! I thought to myself as I posed on the sideline.
I was sooooo excited. The crowd went wild as the beat of the drum filled the place.
Is that us??? We sound GREAT!
I began high stepping on the field.
This place is HUUUUGE! I’m soooo excited.
Since I'm “vertically challenged”, I'm always in the front. It proved to be a wonderful thing that day though.
The camera caught me in the middle of our routine and my adrenaline rushed into high gear. My kicks became higher... smile was brighter... I shook my hips like I was about to break something. I tell you the truth, that camera man was getting a SHOW from me. So much so that when we went back to the stands…he followed us and continued to get shots of us dancing throughout the 3rd and 4th quarters. That’s when I found out that we were up on the big screens at the Dome for everyone to see.
“I saw you dancing girl….who taught you how to dance like that?” My dad joked as we went to eat after our exhilarating victory.
“Momma” I said laughing… knowing she’d try her best to do a two step while my dad roll his eyes and tell me for the umpteenth time how she has no rhythm and he’s the dancer in the family.
The big screen made me a celebrity that day. I got plenty of screen time and everyone who knew me had come to tell me how crunk I looked up there.
I had no idea HE was there.
I didn’t even know who HE was.
But that night…while on the sidelines, HE saw me on the big screen.
And that night…HE asked around and found out everything he could about me.
I was being watched…talked about…and admired by someone I never knew existed.
I was oblivious to his growing attraction to me. He'd watched me the entire night act a plum fool in the stands...and I knew nothing.
I didn't know that moment would affect my life 10 years later...
to be continued...
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
If
If you believe in God...
If you believe that He answers prayers...
If you believe that He moves right before we stop believing...
If you believe...
then I solicit your prayers.
Pray for my strength...because it's running out...
My faith...because it's smaller than that mustard seed...
My peace...for there often is none...
My mind...because it's in dire need of renewing...
My heart...so that the heavy burdens i carry there will be lifted...
I'm not depressed.
But I do realize that I want more than to just be happy.
I'm actually quite tired of just being happy.
A wise person once told me that "Happiness is an emotion determined by external factors. Joy, on the other hand, is an eternal state/mindset that comes from within (and above)."
That's what I want. I want joy. No matter what's going on in my life... I want joy. I'm tired of being up and down depending on situations and things around me. I just want to be able to keep going...rolling with the punches...knowing that no one can take my joy.
I've realized that my problem is not my insecurities about Usher and I, it's not about my tumultous past...or my unknown future, it's not about having more money...or losing weight. My problem is that I don't have true joy. I don't have the joy of the Lord.
One of the mother's in my old church used to sing that song almost every week...
"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away"
That's the kind of joy I want. That's the kind of joy I once had... and somewhere down the line, I let it slip away. I wandered away from God and all the peace and joy I once had. Lord knows I'm trying to get back. But all those things I listed above seem to hold me in this akward state where I want to move back closer to God...but I can't seem to get my feet moving. I can't seem to forget why I wandered in the first place. I can't seem to get it together enough to make things the way they were... and all I can do now is to ask God to help me. All I can do now is to ask for prayers from believers. All I can do now is stand.
Real talk...
If you believe that He answers prayers...
If you believe that He moves right before we stop believing...
If you believe...
then I solicit your prayers.
Pray for my strength...because it's running out...
My faith...because it's smaller than that mustard seed...
My peace...for there often is none...
My mind...because it's in dire need of renewing...
My heart...so that the heavy burdens i carry there will be lifted...
I'm not depressed.
But I do realize that I want more than to just be happy.
I'm actually quite tired of just being happy.
A wise person once told me that "Happiness is an emotion determined by external factors. Joy, on the other hand, is an eternal state/mindset that comes from within (and above)."
That's what I want. I want joy. No matter what's going on in my life... I want joy. I'm tired of being up and down depending on situations and things around me. I just want to be able to keep going...rolling with the punches...knowing that no one can take my joy.
I've realized that my problem is not my insecurities about Usher and I, it's not about my tumultous past...or my unknown future, it's not about having more money...or losing weight. My problem is that I don't have true joy. I don't have the joy of the Lord.
One of the mother's in my old church used to sing that song almost every week...
"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away"
That's the kind of joy I want. That's the kind of joy I once had... and somewhere down the line, I let it slip away. I wandered away from God and all the peace and joy I once had. Lord knows I'm trying to get back. But all those things I listed above seem to hold me in this akward state where I want to move back closer to God...but I can't seem to get my feet moving. I can't seem to forget why I wandered in the first place. I can't seem to get it together enough to make things the way they were... and all I can do now is to ask God to help me. All I can do now is to ask for prayers from believers. All I can do now is stand.
Real talk...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
September Deferred
You ever feel like you’re living the real live version of the Truman show. Sometimes I swear I’m on tv or something. Everyone can’t be experiencing the amount of random crazy things I see/hear/feel everyday. But then again, maybe they do.*shrug*
Aaaaaaaaanywho...
September has been a reflective month for me thus far. Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the life I thought I’d be living right now. Emails about birthdays and how this month is reported to have the most babies born of all months….coupled with blast emails from David’s Bridal, Modern Bride, and all the other sites I registered with counting down the days until my wedding….has made it hard to forget.
If life had went as planned, baby would be a few weeks old now…if that. And TG and I would only be a week and 3 days away from our wedding day.
Instead, there’s no baby. There’s no TG. And while at the beginning of this year, those two things sounded like the end of the world to me, I’m still here. Life’s still going on. I can still smile. I can still be happy. I can still…love.
At times I feel guilty about that. Guilty for enjoying my life. How can I be happy when baby’s not here? How can I just… move on like that. I mean, I’ll never forget…and I have my nights even now where my mind drifts to our 2 months together and I remember. I cry and I cry…and I ache…and I long.
But then I have to pull myself together…and move on….although I never really do. I move on in life…but in my heart…baby will never be forgotten.
I guess that’s why lately I’ve been feeling this strong maternal desire. I want a child. Really bad. Now I know that I’m not really ready for one financially. And if I’m really honest with myself… I’m not ready for one period. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pull.
It’s a hard thing for me to watch 4 of my best friends give birth this year…and watch their children grow…and see the glow on the new mommies’ faces without feeling a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness…
But you know what… my time will come.
No one knows why God allows things to happen they way they happen. However I do know that my life is going exactly the way it is supposed to go…and I’m looking forward to seeing what my future holds.
.
.
.
.
.
I saw a rainbow yesterday. I always see it in the same place…getting off the expressway exit by my house. I look up and there it is… in all it’s beauty. There’s nothing like a real rainbow. Everytime I see one I swear I smile. Every single time. I don’t know why, but no matter what’s going on in my life, rainbows seem to give me hope. Just the fact that it’s there soothes me. All the way home I had this cheesy grin on my face. I’m happy. :)
I have two loving parents who supports me in all my endeavors. Really good friends whom I can call on for whatever. And my Usher…whose smile and hugs have gotten me over many many rough days. I have a good job. A reliable car. I eat each and EVERY Day… (way too much usually)...and a place to rest. I’m blessed. I’m really blessed!
Things may not have panned out the way i thought it would... but there's definitely nothing wrong with this new plan.
I'm excited again...
Excited to see how far this plan goes...
Excited to know that even if this plan doesn't pan out the way i think it should...that whatever's next could be just as good.
I'm just excited.
Aaaaaaaaanywho...
September has been a reflective month for me thus far. Everywhere I go, I’m reminded of the life I thought I’d be living right now. Emails about birthdays and how this month is reported to have the most babies born of all months….coupled with blast emails from David’s Bridal, Modern Bride, and all the other sites I registered with counting down the days until my wedding….has made it hard to forget.
If life had went as planned, baby would be a few weeks old now…if that. And TG and I would only be a week and 3 days away from our wedding day.
Instead, there’s no baby. There’s no TG. And while at the beginning of this year, those two things sounded like the end of the world to me, I’m still here. Life’s still going on. I can still smile. I can still be happy. I can still…love.
At times I feel guilty about that. Guilty for enjoying my life. How can I be happy when baby’s not here? How can I just… move on like that. I mean, I’ll never forget…and I have my nights even now where my mind drifts to our 2 months together and I remember. I cry and I cry…and I ache…and I long.
But then I have to pull myself together…and move on….although I never really do. I move on in life…but in my heart…baby will never be forgotten.
I guess that’s why lately I’ve been feeling this strong maternal desire. I want a child. Really bad. Now I know that I’m not really ready for one financially. And if I’m really honest with myself… I’m not ready for one period. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pull.
It’s a hard thing for me to watch 4 of my best friends give birth this year…and watch their children grow…and see the glow on the new mommies’ faces without feeling a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness…
But you know what… my time will come.
No one knows why God allows things to happen they way they happen. However I do know that my life is going exactly the way it is supposed to go…and I’m looking forward to seeing what my future holds.
.
.
.
.
.
I saw a rainbow yesterday. I always see it in the same place…getting off the expressway exit by my house. I look up and there it is… in all it’s beauty. There’s nothing like a real rainbow. Everytime I see one I swear I smile. Every single time. I don’t know why, but no matter what’s going on in my life, rainbows seem to give me hope. Just the fact that it’s there soothes me. All the way home I had this cheesy grin on my face. I’m happy. :)
I have two loving parents who supports me in all my endeavors. Really good friends whom I can call on for whatever. And my Usher…whose smile and hugs have gotten me over many many rough days. I have a good job. A reliable car. I eat each and EVERY Day… (way too much usually)...and a place to rest. I’m blessed. I’m really blessed!
Things may not have panned out the way i thought it would... but there's definitely nothing wrong with this new plan.
I'm excited again...
Excited to see how far this plan goes...
Excited to know that even if this plan doesn't pan out the way i think it should...that whatever's next could be just as good.
I'm just excited.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Baby I swear it's Deja Vu...
August 15th
9:52am
work phone rings
Me: Behavioral Research, Sway speaking.
Usher: Hey Honey…whatchu doin?
Me: Nothin. Just getting ready for this 10am meeting. *looking at the clock*
Usher: oh okay… I just wanted to tell you this real quick. Tobie called me a few minutes ago. *laughing*
Me: *feeling knots* Oh yeah?
Here we go. What the hell does she want now. I hate when she calls. I hate hearing her name. I hate hearing about her. Ugh!
Usher: Yeah. Get this. She calls to tell me that she’s considering going to rehab and wants to know how I feel about my daughter coming to live with me until she gets out.
Me: mmmm...okay...
I tried to say it as casually as I could…but I just felt like something was coming. The knots in my stomach tightened… my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why. They just were. I took a deep breath and continued to listen.
Usher: Yeah… so I told her that ya' know…I’d love for my daughter to come down here, but I gotta make some arrangements, and I’d get back with her on that.
Then she was like… “and yeah, I was thinking that um…once I get out of rehab, I could move down to Atlanta and live with you too and we can try to make it work again?” *laughing hysterically* That woman is crazy! I told her…I got a girlfriend now shawty! That ship has sailed.
Me: *gulping hard* Yeah. *uneasy laugh*
Him: Then she had the nerve to tell me that she misses me and that things haven't been going right since I left. She talkin about she realize that she did me wrong and promises she'll never do it again. She claims that she sees now that I was her protector up there... she done got into 6 fights since I left. She lost 4 and won 2. *gut bursting laughter* Then she was like "how can I make it up to you" And I told her there was nothing she could do. I told her I made the same promise to you that I made to her about never leaving, so that's what she get for doing me wrong and then i hung up on her ass. *still laughing* Well that’s all I wanted to tell you. That shit was fuuuuun-neeeeee! Aight, I gotta go… have a good day honey. I’ll call you later.
Me: uh…alright.
I sat at my desk paralyzed. It was now 9:59…and I couldn’t move.
I had to be at this meeting…but I was visibly shook. My whole body trembled…my heart was beating fast…my legs were wobbly and I felt as if I was about to break into sobs.
Why was I feeling like this. He just told me that he didn’t want his ex. Shouldn’t I be happy?
I managed to find my way to the meeting and sit through the entire thing without letting one tear fall. But I couldn’t concentrate.
An array of emotions surfaced.
I was insecure.
I was scared.
Nervous…
This was all too familiar…
This is exactly how it started with TG last year.
The phone calls from the ex…at first about the kids…then about her wanting him back…then where they went wrong…
Next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had to go back and try it once more…
His kids needed him. He wanted to make his family work. He needed to make his family work and I was left...
we were left.
I tried hard to focus on my meeting. But all I could manage to do was focus on keeping my tears from hitting my cheek. I know everyone noticed. But I couldn't shake this off. I really care about Usher. I really enjoy his company. I really want this to work out for us...and I don’t want Usher to leave.
Not like that anyways. If we don’t work out… I don’t want it to be because I was just a rebound chick he was messing with until he felt he punished his ex enough before going back to her. I don't want it to be because he left me for someone he said he was done with. I don't want it to be because he never intended to stay with me.
I can’t go through this again. Not like this. I just…can’t.
Am I over reacting? He did tell me before that he wasn’t going back to her. And his phone call was to tell me that he wasn’t planning on going back to her now.
But still… the thought of it makes me queasy.
How could I get myself into the same type situation again? Didn’t I learn anything about dating divorced men with children!
He’s gonna leave me…
Watch...he's gonna leave...
He’s gonna freakin leave me for her…I kept hearing a voice repeat over and over again in my head.
It got so uncontrollable that I couldn’t think of anything else all day.
He didn’t give it another thought. The moment it left his mouth he was done. It was over…and he moved on… but me…I couldn’t let it go.
After my meeting I called him and expressed my need to see him that night. I knew he got off late, but I didn’t care. I needed reassurance and I needed it NOW.
“Is everything okay? You okay?” He questioned after hearing the anxiety in my voice.
“Yeah… I just uh… I just need to see you” I lied.
That night I just watched him. He seemed so unmoved by what happened earlier that day. A woman you loved dearly and spent the last 10 years of your life with called you and begged you for another chance and it doesn’t move you?
He’s faking it. It had to touch him. He had to consider it… He’s not in love with me… and although he’s already vowed to never leave me…c’mon…this is someone you share a child with. Someone who you wife'd. Someone you were crazy in love with. How do you expect me to believe that you’ve completely healed and you’re totally over her?
“Usher, I wanna talk about the convo we had today”
“What convo?” he mumbled while stuffing a big piece of cheese pizza into his mouth.
“You KNOW what convo. The one about Tobie. Listen, I’ve been here before…and to say that her return isn’t affecting me would be lying. I don’t wanna go through what I went through with TG again. If you still have any feelings for her… or if you even think that you MIGHT consider her offer, I’d much rather we end our relationship NOW on a good note…and just be friends so you can get your thoughts together and I don’t end up hurt more down the line.”
Silence.
The smacking became louder and louder as he chewed his pizza. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to reassure me. Tell me that he didn’t want her…he wanted me. I wanted him to hug me and kiss me and look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me.
But he just chewed and chewed.
I looked at my own plate… I barely even touched my food. How could I eat at a time like this. My stomach was doing flips.
“Sway…didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t gonna leave you? We can’t go through this every time I metion her damn name. It wasn’t like I said I wanted her back. I mean, damn Sway. You really worried about that ain’t you?”
“Yeah. I am.”
I really am.
I tried to let it go because I realized that no matter what I did, or said...only time will reveal the real truth. If he's gonna leave, nothing I say will make him stay (or leave earlier). If he's gonna stay, nothing she says will make him leave. But my talking about it won't really change anything. I guess I have only two options: stay and see what happens...or leave and never know.
I opted to run on...and see what the end is gonna be.
But I still don't know how to take his attitude about all of this. Is he really done with her? Is it a front to hide his true feelings? Is he trying to figure out what he wants to do? Is he waiting for her to get clean and come down before making a decision? Is he really into me now and realizes that what we have is worth holding on to?
Maybe he’s like me. He may still love her, but what she did to him was inexcusable… sort of like TG and I. Maybe even though he might still love her, he can never go back. Nothing would be the same and he's better off with someone he can trust.
Or maybe he's like TG... thinking that he's over her, starting a new relationship and realizing down the line that he still has feelings so strong that he feels compelled to go back.
It could go either way. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I want to break up with him and find someone else so that I don't get my heart broken anymore than it is.
But is it fair to punish him for what TG did to me?
Is it stupid to stay with him with all the warning signs flashing right in front of my eyes?
I guess we'll see. I just know that I can’t get too comfortable with him. I like him a lot, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder if this is gonna be déjà vu.
9:52am
work phone rings
Me: Behavioral Research, Sway speaking.
Usher: Hey Honey…whatchu doin?
Me: Nothin. Just getting ready for this 10am meeting. *looking at the clock*
Usher: oh okay… I just wanted to tell you this real quick. Tobie called me a few minutes ago. *laughing*
Me: *feeling knots* Oh yeah?
Here we go. What the hell does she want now. I hate when she calls. I hate hearing her name. I hate hearing about her. Ugh!
Usher: Yeah. Get this. She calls to tell me that she’s considering going to rehab and wants to know how I feel about my daughter coming to live with me until she gets out.
Me: mmmm...okay...
I tried to say it as casually as I could…but I just felt like something was coming. The knots in my stomach tightened… my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why. They just were. I took a deep breath and continued to listen.
Usher: Yeah… so I told her that ya' know…I’d love for my daughter to come down here, but I gotta make some arrangements, and I’d get back with her on that.
Then she was like… “and yeah, I was thinking that um…once I get out of rehab, I could move down to Atlanta and live with you too and we can try to make it work again?” *laughing hysterically* That woman is crazy! I told her…I got a girlfriend now shawty! That ship has sailed.
Me: *gulping hard* Yeah. *uneasy laugh*
Him: Then she had the nerve to tell me that she misses me and that things haven't been going right since I left. She talkin about she realize that she did me wrong and promises she'll never do it again. She claims that she sees now that I was her protector up there... she done got into 6 fights since I left. She lost 4 and won 2. *gut bursting laughter* Then she was like "how can I make it up to you" And I told her there was nothing she could do. I told her I made the same promise to you that I made to her about never leaving, so that's what she get for doing me wrong and then i hung up on her ass. *still laughing* Well that’s all I wanted to tell you. That shit was fuuuuun-neeeeee! Aight, I gotta go… have a good day honey. I’ll call you later.
Me: uh…alright.
I sat at my desk paralyzed. It was now 9:59…and I couldn’t move.
I had to be at this meeting…but I was visibly shook. My whole body trembled…my heart was beating fast…my legs were wobbly and I felt as if I was about to break into sobs.
Why was I feeling like this. He just told me that he didn’t want his ex. Shouldn’t I be happy?
I managed to find my way to the meeting and sit through the entire thing without letting one tear fall. But I couldn’t concentrate.
An array of emotions surfaced.
I was insecure.
I was scared.
Nervous…
This was all too familiar…
This is exactly how it started with TG last year.
The phone calls from the ex…at first about the kids…then about her wanting him back…then where they went wrong…
Next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had to go back and try it once more…
His kids needed him. He wanted to make his family work. He needed to make his family work and I was left...
we were left.
I tried hard to focus on my meeting. But all I could manage to do was focus on keeping my tears from hitting my cheek. I know everyone noticed. But I couldn't shake this off. I really care about Usher. I really enjoy his company. I really want this to work out for us...and I don’t want Usher to leave.
Not like that anyways. If we don’t work out… I don’t want it to be because I was just a rebound chick he was messing with until he felt he punished his ex enough before going back to her. I don't want it to be because he left me for someone he said he was done with. I don't want it to be because he never intended to stay with me.
I can’t go through this again. Not like this. I just…can’t.
Am I over reacting? He did tell me before that he wasn’t going back to her. And his phone call was to tell me that he wasn’t planning on going back to her now.
But still… the thought of it makes me queasy.
How could I get myself into the same type situation again? Didn’t I learn anything about dating divorced men with children!
He’s gonna leave me…
Watch...he's gonna leave...
He’s gonna freakin leave me for her…I kept hearing a voice repeat over and over again in my head.
It got so uncontrollable that I couldn’t think of anything else all day.
He didn’t give it another thought. The moment it left his mouth he was done. It was over…and he moved on… but me…I couldn’t let it go.
After my meeting I called him and expressed my need to see him that night. I knew he got off late, but I didn’t care. I needed reassurance and I needed it NOW.
“Is everything okay? You okay?” He questioned after hearing the anxiety in my voice.
“Yeah… I just uh… I just need to see you” I lied.
That night I just watched him. He seemed so unmoved by what happened earlier that day. A woman you loved dearly and spent the last 10 years of your life with called you and begged you for another chance and it doesn’t move you?
He’s faking it. It had to touch him. He had to consider it… He’s not in love with me… and although he’s already vowed to never leave me…c’mon…this is someone you share a child with. Someone who you wife'd. Someone you were crazy in love with. How do you expect me to believe that you’ve completely healed and you’re totally over her?
“Usher, I wanna talk about the convo we had today”
“What convo?” he mumbled while stuffing a big piece of cheese pizza into his mouth.
“You KNOW what convo. The one about Tobie. Listen, I’ve been here before…and to say that her return isn’t affecting me would be lying. I don’t wanna go through what I went through with TG again. If you still have any feelings for her… or if you even think that you MIGHT consider her offer, I’d much rather we end our relationship NOW on a good note…and just be friends so you can get your thoughts together and I don’t end up hurt more down the line.”
Silence.
The smacking became louder and louder as he chewed his pizza. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to reassure me. Tell me that he didn’t want her…he wanted me. I wanted him to hug me and kiss me and look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me.
But he just chewed and chewed.
I looked at my own plate… I barely even touched my food. How could I eat at a time like this. My stomach was doing flips.
“Sway…didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t gonna leave you? We can’t go through this every time I metion her damn name. It wasn’t like I said I wanted her back. I mean, damn Sway. You really worried about that ain’t you?”
“Yeah. I am.”
I really am.
I tried to let it go because I realized that no matter what I did, or said...only time will reveal the real truth. If he's gonna leave, nothing I say will make him stay (or leave earlier). If he's gonna stay, nothing she says will make him leave. But my talking about it won't really change anything. I guess I have only two options: stay and see what happens...or leave and never know.
I opted to run on...and see what the end is gonna be.
But I still don't know how to take his attitude about all of this. Is he really done with her? Is it a front to hide his true feelings? Is he trying to figure out what he wants to do? Is he waiting for her to get clean and come down before making a decision? Is he really into me now and realizes that what we have is worth holding on to?
Maybe he’s like me. He may still love her, but what she did to him was inexcusable… sort of like TG and I. Maybe even though he might still love her, he can never go back. Nothing would be the same and he's better off with someone he can trust.
Or maybe he's like TG... thinking that he's over her, starting a new relationship and realizing down the line that he still has feelings so strong that he feels compelled to go back.
It could go either way. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I want to break up with him and find someone else so that I don't get my heart broken anymore than it is.
But is it fair to punish him for what TG did to me?
Is it stupid to stay with him with all the warning signs flashing right in front of my eyes?
I guess we'll see. I just know that I can’t get too comfortable with him. I like him a lot, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder if this is gonna be déjà vu.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Lost Mojo...
I’ve changed my mind.
I’m tired of writing about Usher and I. Is that weird? How am I gonna be tired of us? lol I guess cuz I’ve realized that nothing new is gonna happen with us. We’re gonna fight, then make up until one day we either break up or get married. So when either of those outcomes happen, I’ll update you.
Plus I went by a blog today and realized how tiring it is to hear about the same two people all the doggone time and figured my readers are probably as tired of reading about usher and I as I am in writing it…and reading on other people’s blogs.
I don’t really have anything else to talk about… but that’s never stopped me before. I have lots of chaotic thoughts in this noggin of mine. I usually get them when I’m off work and away from a computer. lol By the time I get back to a computer, I have lost all desire to blog…and halfway forgot the subject I wanted to talk about. But, when I get a blog jones…I’ll be sure to share.
*shrug*
Anyways… I’m lazy today…. So I’ll just do a meme (or two). I’ll be back to do a real post when I find my mojo.
Random thangs....
1. Who is the last person you high-fived?
Some lady at church. Preachers always want you to interact with your neighbor.
Preacher: Hi-5 your neighbor and say “nay-bah”
Me and lady kinda glancing at each other hoping the other one didn’t see us looking so we don’t have to really do a hi-5. Dang…we caught eyes. Weirdly hi-5in..each other mumbling “Neh-buh”
Preacher: Gawd, is good!
Me and lady:*mumbling* Gawd, is good.
2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
*blink, blink* NEXT
3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
nope. I need total silence…or a fan to drift off. I’m extra sensitive to noise. I don’t understand how I could be after living in a dorm. *shrug*
4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
uh…negative.
5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Sure have. I know you can’t tell by reading this blog. lol
7. How fast can you type?
pretty fast… 70ish wpm.
8. Are you afraid of the dark?
After scary movies yeah. lol
9. Eye color?
brown
12. Do you knock on wood?
nope. Didn’t you read one of my first blog postings here???
13. Are you drinking anything right now?
nope
14. Do you think you're attractive?
for the most part yeah.
15. Can you hula hoop?
No. And I’m ashamed. Very ashamed.
16. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Yeah.
17. What do you want for Christmas?
A new car! Any takers???
18. Do you know the Muffin Man?
That lives on Drury Lane?
19. Do you talk in your sleep?
nope… too busy snoring.
20. Who wrote the book of love?
dunno. *shrug*
21. Have you ever flown a kite?
Nope
24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
I dunno… lemme check…
.
.
.
*2 minutes later*
I’m tired… I only got through the C’s.
25. Have you ever asked for a pony?
no. does my little pony count?
26. Plans for tomorrow?
Work. Gym. Home. Nothing spectacular
29. When was the last time you told someone 'I love you'?
Today.
31. How are you feeling today?
I’m good
32. Are you black?
uh… *looking at skin* guess so! lol
33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
nope
34. What are you looking forward to?
a lot. let’s see.. a new car… a new place…a raise…seeing the results of hitting the gym…lol… lots.
35. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes. Unfortunately. Wish I remembered why...
37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
Definitely a Negative
38. Can you handle the truth?
sometimes
39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
nope
40. What 3 things you always bring w/ you to places?
driver’s license, keys, and celly
41. Any cool scars?
scars…yes…
“cool” scars… no
43. How many kids do you plan on having?
however many God blesses me with. (unless I get to 5…then I’d just get my tubes tied.)
44. What do you do when no one is watching?
Do my beyonce impressions in the mirror.
46. Do you talk to yourself?
yeah.
47. Is there something you want that you can't have?
yeah.
48.Two things about the opposite sex that you first notice.
walk, face.
50. Who did you last hug?
my momma
52. Where is your phone?
right here in front of me
53. What was the last thing you ate?
a home made salad. (mmmm)
54. Favorite Color?
don’t have just one. I have favorite colors for favorite things.
55. What is the last movie watched?
Idlewild
56. What song do you currently hear?
Donnell Jones - u know what's up
57. What do you want?
Everything
Yes or NO Questions…
Rules:
You can ONLY reply with a YES or NO
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING
(although things with asterisks I will elaborate on if you ask me to in comment section.)
Taken a picture completely naked? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes
Told a lie? Yes
Ever had a one night stand? No*
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
Been arrested? No
Made out with someone of the same sex? Yes*
Seen someone die? No
Kissed a picture? Yes
Slept in until 5pm? Yes
Had sex at work (on the clock)? Yes*
Fallen asleep at work/school? No
Held a snake? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Totaled a car in an accident? No*
Pole danced? No
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something/someone you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose? No
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? No
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Gave your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone to school/work without underwear? Yes*
Sat on a roof top? Yes
Played chicken? No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Broken a bone? Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Had sex with your socks on? Yes
Shaved your head? No
Slept naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Had a gym membership? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes
Cried over someone you were in love with? Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No
Been in a band? Yes
Subscribed to Maxim? No
Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? No
Shot a bow and arrow? No
Played strip poker? Yes
Tripped on mushrooms? No
Donated Blood? Yes
Eaten alligator meat? No
Have you been to more than 10 countries? No
Been caught having sex in your car? Yes*
I’m tired of writing about Usher and I. Is that weird? How am I gonna be tired of us? lol I guess cuz I’ve realized that nothing new is gonna happen with us. We’re gonna fight, then make up until one day we either break up or get married. So when either of those outcomes happen, I’ll update you.
Plus I went by a blog today and realized how tiring it is to hear about the same two people all the doggone time and figured my readers are probably as tired of reading about usher and I as I am in writing it…and reading on other people’s blogs.
I don’t really have anything else to talk about… but that’s never stopped me before. I have lots of chaotic thoughts in this noggin of mine. I usually get them when I’m off work and away from a computer. lol By the time I get back to a computer, I have lost all desire to blog…and halfway forgot the subject I wanted to talk about. But, when I get a blog jones…I’ll be sure to share.
*shrug*
Anyways… I’m lazy today…. So I’ll just do a meme (or two). I’ll be back to do a real post when I find my mojo.
Random thangs....
1. Who is the last person you high-fived?
Some lady at church. Preachers always want you to interact with your neighbor.
Preacher: Hi-5 your neighbor and say “nay-bah”
Me and lady kinda glancing at each other hoping the other one didn’t see us looking so we don’t have to really do a hi-5. Dang…we caught eyes. Weirdly hi-5in..each other mumbling “Neh-buh”
Preacher: Gawd, is good!
Me and lady:*mumbling* Gawd, is good.
2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
*blink, blink* NEXT
3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
nope. I need total silence…or a fan to drift off. I’m extra sensitive to noise. I don’t understand how I could be after living in a dorm. *shrug*
4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
uh…negative.
5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Sure have. I know you can’t tell by reading this blog. lol
7. How fast can you type?
pretty fast… 70ish wpm.
8. Are you afraid of the dark?
After scary movies yeah. lol
9. Eye color?
brown
12. Do you knock on wood?
nope. Didn’t you read one of my first blog postings here???
13. Are you drinking anything right now?
nope
14. Do you think you're attractive?
for the most part yeah.
15. Can you hula hoop?
No. And I’m ashamed. Very ashamed.
16. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Yeah.
17. What do you want for Christmas?
A new car! Any takers???
18. Do you know the Muffin Man?
That lives on Drury Lane?
19. Do you talk in your sleep?
nope… too busy snoring.
20. Who wrote the book of love?
dunno. *shrug*
21. Have you ever flown a kite?
Nope
24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
I dunno… lemme check…
.
.
.
*2 minutes later*
I’m tired… I only got through the C’s.
25. Have you ever asked for a pony?
no. does my little pony count?
26. Plans for tomorrow?
Work. Gym. Home. Nothing spectacular
29. When was the last time you told someone 'I love you'?
Today.
31. How are you feeling today?
I’m good
32. Are you black?
uh… *looking at skin* guess so! lol
33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
nope
34. What are you looking forward to?
a lot. let’s see.. a new car… a new place…a raise…seeing the results of hitting the gym…lol… lots.
35. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes. Unfortunately. Wish I remembered why...
37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
Definitely a Negative
38. Can you handle the truth?
sometimes
39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
nope
40. What 3 things you always bring w/ you to places?
driver’s license, keys, and celly
41. Any cool scars?
scars…yes…
“cool” scars… no
43. How many kids do you plan on having?
however many God blesses me with. (unless I get to 5…then I’d just get my tubes tied.)
44. What do you do when no one is watching?
Do my beyonce impressions in the mirror.
46. Do you talk to yourself?
yeah.
47. Is there something you want that you can't have?
yeah.
48.Two things about the opposite sex that you first notice.
walk, face.
50. Who did you last hug?
my momma
52. Where is your phone?
right here in front of me
53. What was the last thing you ate?
a home made salad. (mmmm)
54. Favorite Color?
don’t have just one. I have favorite colors for favorite things.
55. What is the last movie watched?
Idlewild
56. What song do you currently hear?
Donnell Jones - u know what's up
57. What do you want?
Everything
Yes or NO Questions…
Rules:
You can ONLY reply with a YES or NO
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING
(although things with asterisks I will elaborate on if you ask me to in comment section.)
Taken a picture completely naked? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes
Told a lie? Yes
Ever had a one night stand? No*
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
Been arrested? No
Made out with someone of the same sex? Yes*
Seen someone die? No
Kissed a picture? Yes
Slept in until 5pm? Yes
Had sex at work (on the clock)? Yes*
Fallen asleep at work/school? No
Held a snake? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Totaled a car in an accident? No*
Pole danced? No
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something/someone you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose? No
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? No
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Gave your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone to school/work without underwear? Yes*
Sat on a roof top? Yes
Played chicken? No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Broken a bone? Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Had sex with your socks on? Yes
Shaved your head? No
Slept naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Had a gym membership? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes
Cried over someone you were in love with? Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No
Been in a band? Yes
Subscribed to Maxim? No
Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? No
Shot a bow and arrow? No
Played strip poker? Yes
Tripped on mushrooms? No
Donated Blood? Yes
Eaten alligator meat? No
Have you been to more than 10 countries? No
Been caught having sex in your car? Yes*
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
It was the best of times...
Yay!
It’s Wednesday and I’m not broke! I survived the birthday weekend with gas money to spare. *whew* I enjoyed every minute of my weekend you guys. I think I enjoyed their birthday more than I did my own.
Both my mom and Usher are very high strung individuals…each requesting to have their every demand and whim catered to. Royalty in their own right…. or shall I say, in their own minds. *sheesh* Those two know they can play the boss.
They weren’t too too bad this year though. Moms wanted a suit from this boutique she frequents, so shopping for her wasn’t time consuming. It usually isn’t. She hates surprises. She’s the type that will take you to all her favorite shops and pick out what she wants you to buy her. *shrug*
It works for me. I just save (since she loves expensive stuff) and then when I get the money, I waltz in and out within minutes.
This year, we took her to Maggiano’s. It was definitely a treat since I hadn’t been since my birthday last year. To me, Maggiano’s is the kind of place you go with a nice crowd. So of course we invited all the family and her friends. My mother actually wanted Usher to come, but he had to work.
Um...Is it wrong for me to feel a little relieved that he wasn’t able to come? I mean, it wasn’t that I don’t like him around my family, it’s just that… I dunno…I’m afraid he’s gonna say something that’s gonna turn my parents completely off. Usher is known for his brutal honesty and he holds nothing back… so I guess the less he’s around them, the less he has a chance to ruin the pretty nice impression they have of him. Plus, every since bringing TG around and him doing what he did, I feel a little silly/stupid. I don’t wanna start bringing Usher around all the time, then we break up and have to feel that same way again. I think that’s the real reason. I just don’t wanna get too comfortable thinking he’s gonna be there…and then have to explain to everyone why we aren’t together. I HATE that.
Anyway, since I didn’t see him Saturday, I made up for it the next two days.The rest of the weekend was all Usher. Since his b-day fell on Monday, he started partying Saturday night and didn’t stop until yesterday morning.
Sunday I got to his place after service around 10am and of course he was still lounging around in the bed talking about how messed up he had got the night before. I’m looking around like… homeboy, did a tornado hit your house?
2-liter coke bottles, doritos bags, plastic cups, a pizza box, cigarillo wrappers, and a bottle of almost finished Hennessey peppered his carpet.
This child really did enjoy his doggone self last night.
So we…(read: I) start cleaning up his bedroom cuz I couldn’t even think with all that mess on the floor. By the time I was finished, he was up and showered and ready to get into more trouble. A few of his friends came through and I had to endure that awful Madden game he plays every doggone day. (Okay...so it’s not that bad, but I promise you, if we ever get to the point where we live together, I could definitely see myself getting mad one day and hiding that doggone game.) I cheer him on and watch him slaughter his friend then I told them all that they need to get out so the birthday boy and I can have a little "us" time.
Okay so i didn't say that... but I looked at Usher and he knew what time it was...so he said it for me. lol
We went to his parents’ house around 5. I’d been there twice before, but this time I was a little nervous. I’m sure it had EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he wanted me to sing for them today. Blech! I love to sing…but a sista gets so nervous singing around folks. Especially HIS folks….who will talk about you to your face if you hit a wrong note. *smh*
It worked out though. He must have hyped me up cuz as soon as we hit the door, his daddy hugs me and yells…"aight Sway, get ‘ta sangin. Lemme here whatchu got"
We all burst in to laughter but pops was serious as a heart attack. lol Seeing how I’m shy, I held Usher’s hand for the whole song and even closed my eyes so I didn’t see the 6 of them just staring at me. I ended the song and opened my eyes just in time to see Usher’s daddy dabbing a napkin at his right eye.
“Awwww…you made my daddy cry.” Usher teases me as he kiss my cheek as to tell me thanks and starts to brag to the fellas how his girl is "all the way live." lol *whew* That’s finally done. Now I’m ready to eat!
His momma was straight working that kitchen. Mmmmm … is that fried tilapia, cheese grits, eggs, potato salad, mac and cheese, and deviled eggs I see? Cl-lawd have mercy!
This some down home, country cooking hurrrr! I was so excited. I stuffed myself til I couldn’t stuff anymore…then ate some more! lol
We stayed around there after dinner for a few hours. The men folk went downstairs and talked that trash while betting on a few games of Tunk. His mother, sister and I sat in the kitchen talking about their crazy behinds, and eventually went down to join in the festivities. I think Usher ended up winning a whopping $8 dollars. lol
We headed back to his place and Lord knows I wanted to just stay right there with him. We both had put in our request for time off on Monday, so I was in no rush to go to bed.
Around 3:30 that morning, we were able to tear ourselves away from each other and I sleepily drove home…only to be back at his house around noon.
“Happy Birthday honey!” I screamed while jumping into his arms as he opened his door. After greeting me with his bear hug and kiss, I figured I’d go ahead and get started on his birthday cake.
He and his roommate (who happens to be his cousin…and who’s birthday also happens to be that that day) kinda lurked around the kitchen waiting for me to finish with the cake.
“I hope it tastes better than it looks” Usher chimes while watching me smooth on the icing.
Oh, I KNOW he didn't...
I glare at him.
I look at the cake...*chuckle* he’s right…this is the ugliest cake I’ve ever made. lol I don’t know what it is about cooking in someone else’s kitchen but I can never get stuff right if I’m not at home.
“It’ll taste fine Thankyouverymuch!”
I pick at it for a little while longer and finally give up on it’s aesthetic appearance. “Alright I’m done!” I sigh.
He looks at it and sighs, paces back and forth, rolls his neck and shoulders... like he’s about to do something amazing and says… “K, I’mma taste it”.
Boy stop! If you don’t eat this doggone cake and stop being so dramatic! lol
He takes one bite and his eyes roll back a little.
“Mmmmm… it’s so moooist!”
“I know. I told you I'd hook u up baby!” I smirk. *whew* I was 'shole glad it still tasted good.
The rest of his birthday was a big blur. We did so much, and I was tired when I got back home. All in all it was a good weekend. :)
And then........
the Bull$#!+ began.
Next blog: "It was the worst of times: Deja Vu"
It’s Wednesday and I’m not broke! I survived the birthday weekend with gas money to spare. *whew* I enjoyed every minute of my weekend you guys. I think I enjoyed their birthday more than I did my own.
Both my mom and Usher are very high strung individuals…each requesting to have their every demand and whim catered to. Royalty in their own right…. or shall I say, in their own minds. *sheesh* Those two know they can play the boss.
They weren’t too too bad this year though. Moms wanted a suit from this boutique she frequents, so shopping for her wasn’t time consuming. It usually isn’t. She hates surprises. She’s the type that will take you to all her favorite shops and pick out what she wants you to buy her. *shrug*
It works for me. I just save (since she loves expensive stuff) and then when I get the money, I waltz in and out within minutes.
This year, we took her to Maggiano’s. It was definitely a treat since I hadn’t been since my birthday last year. To me, Maggiano’s is the kind of place you go with a nice crowd. So of course we invited all the family and her friends. My mother actually wanted Usher to come, but he had to work.
Um...Is it wrong for me to feel a little relieved that he wasn’t able to come? I mean, it wasn’t that I don’t like him around my family, it’s just that… I dunno…I’m afraid he’s gonna say something that’s gonna turn my parents completely off. Usher is known for his brutal honesty and he holds nothing back… so I guess the less he’s around them, the less he has a chance to ruin the pretty nice impression they have of him. Plus, every since bringing TG around and him doing what he did, I feel a little silly/stupid. I don’t wanna start bringing Usher around all the time, then we break up and have to feel that same way again. I think that’s the real reason. I just don’t wanna get too comfortable thinking he’s gonna be there…and then have to explain to everyone why we aren’t together. I HATE that.
Anyway, since I didn’t see him Saturday, I made up for it the next two days.The rest of the weekend was all Usher. Since his b-day fell on Monday, he started partying Saturday night and didn’t stop until yesterday morning.
Sunday I got to his place after service around 10am and of course he was still lounging around in the bed talking about how messed up he had got the night before. I’m looking around like… homeboy, did a tornado hit your house?
2-liter coke bottles, doritos bags, plastic cups, a pizza box, cigarillo wrappers, and a bottle of almost finished Hennessey peppered his carpet.
This child really did enjoy his doggone self last night.
So we…(read: I) start cleaning up his bedroom cuz I couldn’t even think with all that mess on the floor. By the time I was finished, he was up and showered and ready to get into more trouble. A few of his friends came through and I had to endure that awful Madden game he plays every doggone day. (Okay...so it’s not that bad, but I promise you, if we ever get to the point where we live together, I could definitely see myself getting mad one day and hiding that doggone game.) I cheer him on and watch him slaughter his friend then I told them all that they need to get out so the birthday boy and I can have a little "us" time.
Okay so i didn't say that... but I looked at Usher and he knew what time it was...so he said it for me. lol
We went to his parents’ house around 5. I’d been there twice before, but this time I was a little nervous. I’m sure it had EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he wanted me to sing for them today. Blech! I love to sing…but a sista gets so nervous singing around folks. Especially HIS folks….who will talk about you to your face if you hit a wrong note. *smh*
It worked out though. He must have hyped me up cuz as soon as we hit the door, his daddy hugs me and yells…"aight Sway, get ‘ta sangin. Lemme here whatchu got"
We all burst in to laughter but pops was serious as a heart attack. lol Seeing how I’m shy, I held Usher’s hand for the whole song and even closed my eyes so I didn’t see the 6 of them just staring at me. I ended the song and opened my eyes just in time to see Usher’s daddy dabbing a napkin at his right eye.
“Awwww…you made my daddy cry.” Usher teases me as he kiss my cheek as to tell me thanks and starts to brag to the fellas how his girl is "all the way live." lol *whew* That’s finally done. Now I’m ready to eat!
His momma was straight working that kitchen. Mmmmm … is that fried tilapia, cheese grits, eggs, potato salad, mac and cheese, and deviled eggs I see? Cl-lawd have mercy!
This some down home, country cooking hurrrr! I was so excited. I stuffed myself til I couldn’t stuff anymore…then ate some more! lol
We stayed around there after dinner for a few hours. The men folk went downstairs and talked that trash while betting on a few games of Tunk. His mother, sister and I sat in the kitchen talking about their crazy behinds, and eventually went down to join in the festivities. I think Usher ended up winning a whopping $8 dollars. lol
We headed back to his place and Lord knows I wanted to just stay right there with him. We both had put in our request for time off on Monday, so I was in no rush to go to bed.
Around 3:30 that morning, we were able to tear ourselves away from each other and I sleepily drove home…only to be back at his house around noon.
“Happy Birthday honey!” I screamed while jumping into his arms as he opened his door. After greeting me with his bear hug and kiss, I figured I’d go ahead and get started on his birthday cake.
He and his roommate (who happens to be his cousin…and who’s birthday also happens to be that that day) kinda lurked around the kitchen waiting for me to finish with the cake.
“I hope it tastes better than it looks” Usher chimes while watching me smooth on the icing.
Oh, I KNOW he didn't...
I glare at him.
I look at the cake...*chuckle* he’s right…this is the ugliest cake I’ve ever made. lol I don’t know what it is about cooking in someone else’s kitchen but I can never get stuff right if I’m not at home.
“It’ll taste fine Thankyouverymuch!”
I pick at it for a little while longer and finally give up on it’s aesthetic appearance. “Alright I’m done!” I sigh.
He looks at it and sighs, paces back and forth, rolls his neck and shoulders... like he’s about to do something amazing and says… “K, I’mma taste it”.
Boy stop! If you don’t eat this doggone cake and stop being so dramatic! lol
He takes one bite and his eyes roll back a little.
“Mmmmm… it’s so moooist!”
“I know. I told you I'd hook u up baby!” I smirk. *whew* I was 'shole glad it still tasted good.
The rest of his birthday was a big blur. We did so much, and I was tired when I got back home. All in all it was a good weekend. :)
And then........
the Bull$#!+ began.
Next blog: "It was the worst of times: Deja Vu"
Monday, August 14, 2006
Smile
God
Is
Good.
Period.
There’s no other way to put it. I’ve been struggling a lot this year with my spirituality as I try to sort through my changing views on life, my relationship with the Father, and my beliefs about how they coincide. But no matter what I feel, how confused I get, how much I think I don’t know… I keep coming back to these two truths. God is real, and God is Good.
I just needed to get that out. :)
I've been a lazy blogger lately. I dunno why.*sipping tea* I guess I just haven't felt like typing a whole lot...but I'll make it up today. Promise. lol
My weekend was nice. I honestly don’t remember much about Friday but I know it came and went so… *shrug*
Saturday was Usher’s mother’s birthday, so most of the day we were running around getting her birthday requests taken care of. It was kinda fun. She asked for us to wash and detail her SUV for her. So we did what any loving person would do for their parent...went on a quest to find that. lol
We're so lazy.
So we started our quest the right way...we went straight to the hood.
We pulled in the first "car wash" place we saw and sure enough...a crackhead told us he’d detail the entire thing, inside and out…for *drumroll please*
.
.
.
.
six bucks.
I was like dang holmes? That’s it? *eye brows raised*
He was like “yeah, I’ll wash yo car, shine your tires up, get the stains out the carpet, make it smell good, vacuum, put rain x on ya windows… I’ll do it all… I just need 6 bucks.”
Usher and I looking at each other… “Aight”.
So we waiting RIGHT by the car so no funny biznass can go on… and brutha man was working it OUT for his 6 bucks.
His other crackhead friends were coming up trying to talk to him and stuff… and it was funny watching him trying to shew them away from his “customers” since he was now a biznass man. lol
But I gotta say. Homeboy did a good job. Usher shot him a 20 and we went on our way. I hadn’t seen someone so happy in my life. I feel kinda bad for funding an addiction … but dang Usher momma’s whip look NIIIIICE!
We ended up going to Benihana that evening with his family. I really like them. All of 'em are crazy! Well except his mom, but she’s been around the nonsense for so long that she blends right on in. We’re all sitting around the table waiting for the show while Usher and his dad talk that trash, when this skinny black man comes over and introduces himself as our chef for the night. Everyone looked at each other and around the restaruant at everyone else's chef and got real quiet for about .03423 seconds before the laughter reigned and the jokes began to roll. We like… all these Japanese chefs here…and poor Bernard gets OUR table. They are gonna be messing with him ALL night...subjecting him to our crazy talk. Including him in the jokes...everythang. lol
It was cool though… he had some get back… and I actually think that he made our night even more entertaining.
Everything was good although I think their food is overpriced. There’s a place called Daruma’s in conyers where I can get the same thing/same show for about $30 cheaper. *shrug*
We didn't get back to Usher's place until like...11:30. By midnight I was fussing at Usher to go to bed because Sunday was the BIG day. He needed to get as much rest as he could cuz I wasn't hearing ANY excuses about how he couldn't go to church with me.
So, Usher FINALLY met my parents! *dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun*
I had to pick him up since his car is still completely messed up from the accident last week, but when I saw him I had to pat myself on the back. I did GOOD ya'll! lol
He came to church looking as he says “young fresh ta def” . lol
I guess because I’ve never seen him in a suit, he really caught me off guard.
I was a proud chica. :)
We got to church early and plopped on the front row where my parents usually sit and I introduced my folks to him quickly and we sat down.
Of course as soon as we sat down, he leaned over and whispered… “all of ya’ll short”. lol
Gee…thanks babe! *eye roll*
Anywho…church was good. You know everybody was staring at us. Probably wondering who in the heck is this 6’1 man in the front row leaning wit it and rockin wit it? *smh*
Yes ya’ll… I made a big mistake. I purposely took him on the 2nd Sunday because that’s when the young folks choir sings…and they have a knack for getting a little “too crunk” for church if you know what I mean. He didn’t believe me when I told him a few weeks ago that they seriously play young joc at church so I invited him to see this craziness for himself.
So just like clock work…in the middle of service, the chirrun got stirred up and the musicians got to playing TI’s “What u know about that” and it just went from there… we had a whole lil concert… Shoulder lean… Lean wit it rock wit it… everythang. *smh* Lawd Lawd Lawd.
Of course the older folks…(and me too) were just sitting there with an appalled look on our face like… ARE.YOU.FOR.REAL?
Let’s just say, that this was Usher’s favorite part of the service… his crazy behind done got OUT his seat straight dancing with the choir… ON the front row….with his very conspicuous behind! lol
But it was all good. That’s Usher for you. *mumbling…I can’t take him nowhere!* lol
After Church we went to dinner with my parents, but not before stopping by his aunt’s house (since we were out that way) so that she could see him. I guess he doesn’t get over that way much because she nearly fainted she was so happy to see him. He introduced me and she just thought we were the cutest lil things on earth. She all inviting us in and asking us to sit down and I’m like… thanks...but uh, we gotta go…
Of course not before she snaps a pic or two though. lol
Poor camera didn't do a good job of relaying the sexy though. :(
Homeboy was wayyy flyer than this can show. lol
We left there and rushed to folks to find my parents, my uncle and his girlfriend already seated.
Usher decides to break the ice after we sit down by looking over at my mom and saying “Well, I guess you like me okay since you haven’t jumped over the table and lashed out at me.”
To which my mom replied with a straight face... “Naw I haven't... yet”.
Oooooooooh! It has begun. lol
It was all in good fun though. Usher said some things that I’m SURE my parents didn’t like, but he was charming and funny too.
All in all, I think that the day went pretty darn good.
*sigh of relief*
Now…next order of business…surviving the upcoming weekend. Both Usher and my mother are celebrating birthdays this weekend. *faints* Pray for me! We leo's are expensive.
Is
Good.
Period.
There’s no other way to put it. I’ve been struggling a lot this year with my spirituality as I try to sort through my changing views on life, my relationship with the Father, and my beliefs about how they coincide. But no matter what I feel, how confused I get, how much I think I don’t know… I keep coming back to these two truths. God is real, and God is Good.
I just needed to get that out. :)
I've been a lazy blogger lately. I dunno why.*sipping tea* I guess I just haven't felt like typing a whole lot...but I'll make it up today. Promise. lol
My weekend was nice. I honestly don’t remember much about Friday but I know it came and went so… *shrug*
Saturday was Usher’s mother’s birthday, so most of the day we were running around getting her birthday requests taken care of. It was kinda fun. She asked for us to wash and detail her SUV for her. So we did what any loving person would do for their parent...went on a quest to find that. lol
We're so lazy.
So we started our quest the right way...we went straight to the hood.
We pulled in the first "car wash" place we saw and sure enough...a crackhead told us he’d detail the entire thing, inside and out…for *drumroll please*
.
.
.
.
six bucks.
I was like dang holmes? That’s it? *eye brows raised*
He was like “yeah, I’ll wash yo car, shine your tires up, get the stains out the carpet, make it smell good, vacuum, put rain x on ya windows… I’ll do it all… I just need 6 bucks.”
Usher and I looking at each other… “Aight”.
So we waiting RIGHT by the car so no funny biznass can go on… and brutha man was working it OUT for his 6 bucks.
His other crackhead friends were coming up trying to talk to him and stuff… and it was funny watching him trying to shew them away from his “customers” since he was now a biznass man. lol
But I gotta say. Homeboy did a good job. Usher shot him a 20 and we went on our way. I hadn’t seen someone so happy in my life. I feel kinda bad for funding an addiction … but dang Usher momma’s whip look NIIIIICE!
We ended up going to Benihana that evening with his family. I really like them. All of 'em are crazy! Well except his mom, but she’s been around the nonsense for so long that she blends right on in. We’re all sitting around the table waiting for the show while Usher and his dad talk that trash, when this skinny black man comes over and introduces himself as our chef for the night. Everyone looked at each other and around the restaruant at everyone else's chef and got real quiet for about .03423 seconds before the laughter reigned and the jokes began to roll. We like… all these Japanese chefs here…and poor Bernard gets OUR table. They are gonna be messing with him ALL night...subjecting him to our crazy talk. Including him in the jokes...everythang. lol
It was cool though… he had some get back… and I actually think that he made our night even more entertaining.
Everything was good although I think their food is overpriced. There’s a place called Daruma’s in conyers where I can get the same thing/same show for about $30 cheaper. *shrug*
We didn't get back to Usher's place until like...11:30. By midnight I was fussing at Usher to go to bed because Sunday was the BIG day. He needed to get as much rest as he could cuz I wasn't hearing ANY excuses about how he couldn't go to church with me.
So, Usher FINALLY met my parents! *dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun*
I had to pick him up since his car is still completely messed up from the accident last week, but when I saw him I had to pat myself on the back. I did GOOD ya'll! lol
He came to church looking as he says “young fresh ta def” . lol
I guess because I’ve never seen him in a suit, he really caught me off guard.
I was a proud chica. :)
We got to church early and plopped on the front row where my parents usually sit and I introduced my folks to him quickly and we sat down.
Of course as soon as we sat down, he leaned over and whispered… “all of ya’ll short”. lol
Gee…thanks babe! *eye roll*
Anywho…church was good. You know everybody was staring at us. Probably wondering who in the heck is this 6’1 man in the front row leaning wit it and rockin wit it? *smh*
Yes ya’ll… I made a big mistake. I purposely took him on the 2nd Sunday because that’s when the young folks choir sings…and they have a knack for getting a little “too crunk” for church if you know what I mean. He didn’t believe me when I told him a few weeks ago that they seriously play young joc at church so I invited him to see this craziness for himself.
So just like clock work…in the middle of service, the chirrun got stirred up and the musicians got to playing TI’s “What u know about that” and it just went from there… we had a whole lil concert… Shoulder lean… Lean wit it rock wit it… everythang. *smh* Lawd Lawd Lawd.
Of course the older folks…(and me too) were just sitting there with an appalled look on our face like… ARE.YOU.FOR.REAL?
Let’s just say, that this was Usher’s favorite part of the service… his crazy behind done got OUT his seat straight dancing with the choir… ON the front row….with his very conspicuous behind! lol
But it was all good. That’s Usher for you. *mumbling…I can’t take him nowhere!* lol
After Church we went to dinner with my parents, but not before stopping by his aunt’s house (since we were out that way) so that she could see him. I guess he doesn’t get over that way much because she nearly fainted she was so happy to see him. He introduced me and she just thought we were the cutest lil things on earth. She all inviting us in and asking us to sit down and I’m like… thanks...but uh, we gotta go…
Of course not before she snaps a pic or two though. lol
Poor camera didn't do a good job of relaying the sexy though. :(
Homeboy was wayyy flyer than this can show. lol
We left there and rushed to folks to find my parents, my uncle and his girlfriend already seated.
Usher decides to break the ice after we sit down by looking over at my mom and saying “Well, I guess you like me okay since you haven’t jumped over the table and lashed out at me.”
To which my mom replied with a straight face... “Naw I haven't... yet”.
Oooooooooh! It has begun. lol
It was all in good fun though. Usher said some things that I’m SURE my parents didn’t like, but he was charming and funny too.
All in all, I think that the day went pretty darn good.
*sigh of relief*
Now…next order of business…surviving the upcoming weekend. Both Usher and my mother are celebrating birthdays this weekend. *faints* Pray for me! We leo's are expensive.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Storm's here...
You ever ask a question you didn’t really want to know the answer to? Ever make a statement and immediately wish you could retract it? Well… that’s me right now… hoping that nothing more comes up. I am glad to report that no one died… but wow has this week been one big worry case after another.
It happened just like in my dream…back to back to back…but WHAT happened was different. Right after I finished my blog about hoping this isn’t the “calm before the storm”, it hit.
I got a call the next morning saying that my cousin was being rushed to the hospital because she was unconscious.
Unconscious? Huh.
I asked them what happened and no one could really say, everyone said that it looked like she had a seizure and blanked out. Once they got her to the hospital, the doctor said that she had a migraine induced stroke.
Stroke?
At 25?
Dang.
I love my cousin. She’s more like my little sister, so it hit me really hard for her to be going through this.
Thankfully, God saw fit to heal her…and she’s recovering fine at home. *whew*
The next day, my friend calls to tell me that his car was stolen. His laptop, work stuff, church stuff…everything was in there. So far, it still hasn’t been recovered.
The day after that, Usher hydroplanes and crashes his car during our hurricane-like rain.
He had NO seatbelt on...so he was ejected from his seat.
But to God be the glory... he's alive.
So we get him checked out and ER suggests that he takes Monday off. He tells his job, and they aren't happy about him not being there... *sigh* Yeah he told them what happened, but these butt holes don't seem to care. So he had to deal with that today. But at least he still has a job. *sigh*
One of my good friends just lost her job. So she’s calling me crying and panicking about how she’s gonna make it.
I’m trying to be there for everyone…but I’m tired. And sad. I think about how many of these people would come help me if the roles were reversed. I think about how everything is happening all around me…to people I love. I think of what if the stroke took my cousin out, what if my friend was kidnapped with the stolen car, what if the crash was Usher’s final day here..
I couldn’t stop crying.
I was sad that this week people I love almost died...
But soooo very grateful that they didn’t.
I’ve already lost so much this year, I don’t think I could handle any more grief.
So… *sigh*
Lord, please… let the rest of this year go smoothly.
It happened just like in my dream…back to back to back…but WHAT happened was different. Right after I finished my blog about hoping this isn’t the “calm before the storm”, it hit.
I got a call the next morning saying that my cousin was being rushed to the hospital because she was unconscious.
Unconscious? Huh.
I asked them what happened and no one could really say, everyone said that it looked like she had a seizure and blanked out. Once they got her to the hospital, the doctor said that she had a migraine induced stroke.
Stroke?
At 25?
Dang.
I love my cousin. She’s more like my little sister, so it hit me really hard for her to be going through this.
Thankfully, God saw fit to heal her…and she’s recovering fine at home. *whew*
The next day, my friend calls to tell me that his car was stolen. His laptop, work stuff, church stuff…everything was in there. So far, it still hasn’t been recovered.
The day after that, Usher hydroplanes and crashes his car during our hurricane-like rain.
He had NO seatbelt on...so he was ejected from his seat.
But to God be the glory... he's alive.
So we get him checked out and ER suggests that he takes Monday off. He tells his job, and they aren't happy about him not being there... *sigh* Yeah he told them what happened, but these butt holes don't seem to care. So he had to deal with that today. But at least he still has a job. *sigh*
One of my good friends just lost her job. So she’s calling me crying and panicking about how she’s gonna make it.
I’m trying to be there for everyone…but I’m tired. And sad. I think about how many of these people would come help me if the roles were reversed. I think about how everything is happening all around me…to people I love. I think of what if the stroke took my cousin out, what if my friend was kidnapped with the stolen car, what if the crash was Usher’s final day here..
I couldn’t stop crying.
I was sad that this week people I love almost died...
But soooo very grateful that they didn’t.
I’ve already lost so much this year, I don’t think I could handle any more grief.
So… *sigh*
Lord, please… let the rest of this year go smoothly.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Wed nes day
Awwwww…you guys DO love me. :)
Thanks to everyone for the happy birthday wishes.
I’m glad to report that my birthday was nice and I'm officially on a "good birthdays" streak. I started celebrating on Friday and didn’t finish until last night. I must say, maturity and experiences are definitely changing my definition of partying though. If I had this type of birthday 5 years ago, I would have thought it was the most boring uneventful birthday weekend ever. But I really enjoyed myself. I’ve settled down a whole lot…and I’m glad. All that wild stuff would have caught up to me by now if I was still out there like that.
Not much to report on the weekend. Usher and I had a really nice time doing nothing together. We talked a lot. Ate a lot, sang a lot, and bought a lot… It was great. Did I tell you all that I’m considering moving on his side of town soon? I’ve been wanting to move since last year, and I’m finally in a position to do it. So I’ve been looking around everywhere, but happened to find a nice place less than 5 minutes away from his place that was nice. It also happens to be 5 minutes away from my mother’s job, and 15 minutes away from mine. That’s perfect huh? Well… unless my mother comes over everyday, Usher and I break up, and my job moves downtown…which has been a topic of discussion. lol Decisions. Decisions. We’ll see.
I did manage to get my butt up at the crack of dawn to go to Free Spirit on Sunday. *yay* I didn’t realize how missed I was. Everyone hugged me and smiled at me and told me how much they missed me. It was heart warming. Of course Pastor called me up to sing. *smh* I was like… as soon as I step foot in a church, they’re gonna put me to doing something. lol
It was good to be back though. My babies ran to me when they saw me and was like… Miss Su-kel-a where you been? We’ve been looking for you! I hugged them so tight I forgot that they might need to breathe.
Of course they sat with me. Babygirl drew me a birthday card with me swinging on a swing. I thought it was cute. Lil TG just kinda looked at me and smiled. He missed me too. :) His daddy wished me a happy birthday and asked out to breakfast. Blah! I didn't wanna be in his company. Although I must say, it was too cute to see babygirl jumping up and down on my leg begging me to go.
I ended up going to my parents church. I figured after missing a few sundays in church, I'd double it up this week.
Life is going pretty well. :) Hope it not the calm before the storm...
Thanks to everyone for the happy birthday wishes.
I’m glad to report that my birthday was nice and I'm officially on a "good birthdays" streak. I started celebrating on Friday and didn’t finish until last night. I must say, maturity and experiences are definitely changing my definition of partying though. If I had this type of birthday 5 years ago, I would have thought it was the most boring uneventful birthday weekend ever. But I really enjoyed myself. I’ve settled down a whole lot…and I’m glad. All that wild stuff would have caught up to me by now if I was still out there like that.
Not much to report on the weekend. Usher and I had a really nice time doing nothing together. We talked a lot. Ate a lot, sang a lot, and bought a lot… It was great. Did I tell you all that I’m considering moving on his side of town soon? I’ve been wanting to move since last year, and I’m finally in a position to do it. So I’ve been looking around everywhere, but happened to find a nice place less than 5 minutes away from his place that was nice. It also happens to be 5 minutes away from my mother’s job, and 15 minutes away from mine. That’s perfect huh? Well… unless my mother comes over everyday, Usher and I break up, and my job moves downtown…which has been a topic of discussion. lol Decisions. Decisions. We’ll see.
I did manage to get my butt up at the crack of dawn to go to Free Spirit on Sunday. *yay* I didn’t realize how missed I was. Everyone hugged me and smiled at me and told me how much they missed me. It was heart warming. Of course Pastor called me up to sing. *smh* I was like… as soon as I step foot in a church, they’re gonna put me to doing something. lol
It was good to be back though. My babies ran to me when they saw me and was like… Miss Su-kel-a where you been? We’ve been looking for you! I hugged them so tight I forgot that they might need to breathe.
Of course they sat with me. Babygirl drew me a birthday card with me swinging on a swing. I thought it was cute. Lil TG just kinda looked at me and smiled. He missed me too. :) His daddy wished me a happy birthday and asked out to breakfast. Blah! I didn't wanna be in his company. Although I must say, it was too cute to see babygirl jumping up and down on my leg begging me to go.
I ended up going to my parents church. I figured after missing a few sundays in church, I'd double it up this week.
Life is going pretty well. :) Hope it not the calm before the storm...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
A quickie...
So besides having these nightmares, everything else has been going pretty well in the land of Sway.
My birthday is Sunday, so after today, I’ll be on a mini vacation until Tuesday.
Usher and I are doing good. Of course we’re up to our usual fight/cuddle action. Monday night he even told me that he’s falling in love with me. (awwwww) My heart melted a little.
Work is going well too. I’ve been busy enough to make the day go by faster, but not so busy that I feel like slapping my co-workers and quitting. We’ve been getting spoiled around here lately because we’ve been having a lot of meetings where lunch was provided. Yesterday was the first time in a while that we all had to fend or ourselves at lunch time. None of us was too thrilled about that…so a few of us (read: the black folks in my dept.) found another department that had food and crashed their meeting. We were officially the meeting crashers. *smh* I guess not really. We didn't actually crash the meeting. We just circled the conference room until they were done, hid in the cut until they left…and immediately stocked up on food like we hadn’t ate in 2 weeks. All our grown, business suit, behinds were running back and forth to our desk piling up on the catered food from Moe's. The four of us were sooo happy we found free food. When our sneaky greedy behinds realized that there was sweet tea in there too, we ran back in there, only to be greeted by one of the meeting participants. She was looking at us all dirty. I felt like a little kid getting caught stealing from a candy store.
Dang…we should have ate our nachos and enchiladas with water. *shrug* That was the BEST food I've ever tasted. And i'm not even lying. I don't know why free food, that you actually have to steal taste SOOOO much better than food you pay for. lol
Church is….well it’s Church. I’m still at Free Spirit…aka “TG’s Church” but I must admit, I haven’t been going there as much as I should. Partly because service starts at 7:30 am…and I usually don’t leave Usher’s house until 2-3am the night before. Partly because I don’t feel like driving that far. Partly because it’s been really convenient for me to go to my old church now that I’ve officially “unjoined”. They don’t ask me to participate in anything anymore so i feel a lot more relaxed. It’s almost like…for the first time in years, I have no responsibilities in church. If I don’t show up, no one would care. No one’s waiting for me to teach Sunday school. I’m not singing or dancing every Sunday. No one's waiting for me to start intercessory prayer. So lately, I've been waking up and rolling back over until 9.
I know it’s bad. Hopefully I’ll get out of this slump soon. I miss Free Spirit. I’m gonna go this Sunday and stop playing.
As much as I hate to admit it… I know another reason I’ve been kinda hesitant about going. I know how much Usher hates it. I know I know. I shouldn't care about that. He doesn't run this...I gotta do what’s best for me... yada yada yada. But I'd be lying if I said that it affects me that he doesn’t like the church. I guess about as much as it affects him that I DO like the church. We’ve decided to squash the beef though. He “says” he’s alright with it and encourages me to go…but I still feel a little weird now even though I shouldn’t.
Speaking of weird, your boy’s been blowing my phone up leaving me messages and stuff. Yeah, TG’s tried to make a comeback more than Jordan and Mariah put together! Unlike them though… he has been THOROUGHLY unsuccessful.
I’m tired of him playing the concerned, "I never stopped loving you" role. *eye roll*
Cut your losses and move on like a man!
Well you guys… I’m gonna be off until tuesday and I am estatic! Tomorrow’s payday and I am looking forward to a happy birthday. Ya’ll know, with the exception of last year (here), I haven’t really had good birthday experiences (here). So wish me luck in making “good birthdays” the norm!
My birthday is Sunday, so after today, I’ll be on a mini vacation until Tuesday.
Usher and I are doing good. Of course we’re up to our usual fight/cuddle action. Monday night he even told me that he’s falling in love with me. (awwwww) My heart melted a little.
Work is going well too. I’ve been busy enough to make the day go by faster, but not so busy that I feel like slapping my co-workers and quitting. We’ve been getting spoiled around here lately because we’ve been having a lot of meetings where lunch was provided. Yesterday was the first time in a while that we all had to fend or ourselves at lunch time. None of us was too thrilled about that…so a few of us (read: the black folks in my dept.) found another department that had food and crashed their meeting. We were officially the meeting crashers. *smh* I guess not really. We didn't actually crash the meeting. We just circled the conference room until they were done, hid in the cut until they left…and immediately stocked up on food like we hadn’t ate in 2 weeks. All our grown, business suit, behinds were running back and forth to our desk piling up on the catered food from Moe's. The four of us were sooo happy we found free food. When our sneaky greedy behinds realized that there was sweet tea in there too, we ran back in there, only to be greeted by one of the meeting participants. She was looking at us all dirty. I felt like a little kid getting caught stealing from a candy store.
Dang…we should have ate our nachos and enchiladas with water. *shrug* That was the BEST food I've ever tasted. And i'm not even lying. I don't know why free food, that you actually have to steal taste SOOOO much better than food you pay for. lol
Church is….well it’s Church. I’m still at Free Spirit…aka “TG’s Church” but I must admit, I haven’t been going there as much as I should. Partly because service starts at 7:30 am…and I usually don’t leave Usher’s house until 2-3am the night before. Partly because I don’t feel like driving that far. Partly because it’s been really convenient for me to go to my old church now that I’ve officially “unjoined”. They don’t ask me to participate in anything anymore so i feel a lot more relaxed. It’s almost like…for the first time in years, I have no responsibilities in church. If I don’t show up, no one would care. No one’s waiting for me to teach Sunday school. I’m not singing or dancing every Sunday. No one's waiting for me to start intercessory prayer. So lately, I've been waking up and rolling back over until 9.
I know it’s bad. Hopefully I’ll get out of this slump soon. I miss Free Spirit. I’m gonna go this Sunday and stop playing.
As much as I hate to admit it… I know another reason I’ve been kinda hesitant about going. I know how much Usher hates it. I know I know. I shouldn't care about that. He doesn't run this...I gotta do what’s best for me... yada yada yada. But I'd be lying if I said that it affects me that he doesn’t like the church. I guess about as much as it affects him that I DO like the church. We’ve decided to squash the beef though. He “says” he’s alright with it and encourages me to go…but I still feel a little weird now even though I shouldn’t.
Speaking of weird, your boy’s been blowing my phone up leaving me messages and stuff. Yeah, TG’s tried to make a comeback more than Jordan and Mariah put together! Unlike them though… he has been THOROUGHLY unsuccessful.
I’m tired of him playing the concerned, "I never stopped loving you" role. *eye roll*
Cut your losses and move on like a man!
Well you guys… I’m gonna be off until tuesday and I am estatic! Tomorrow’s payday and I am looking forward to a happy birthday. Ya’ll know, with the exception of last year (here), I haven’t really had good birthday experiences (here). So wish me luck in making “good birthdays” the norm!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Nightmares on Sway's Street
I’ve always been one of those people who believed that dreams were either unconscious desires, useless images/concepts you’ve subjected your mind to during the day, or divine communication with your subconscious.
My thing has always been to try and figure out which one MY dreams were.
I’ve even went as far as to buy dream interpretation books and everything. I’m really into this stuff.
I guess because over the years I’ve had some very vivid, very real dreams about things and people and events that left me speechless when I woke up. Dreams that I remember to this day. Dreams that makes people’s eyes bulge and heart beat fast when I tell it to them.
Usually these dreams are far and few in between…but I remembered them all.
Then last year I started dreaming about animals. Yeah I said animals. Stop looking at me funny.
I had about 4 dog dreams last year. Not just regular dreams with dogs in them… the dogs were like…one of the major players in these dreams. I mean, one time I woke up and literally felt the dog bite on my behind for the next two days! I knew that they meant something, but couldn’t figure out what they meant.
Well…around September of last year, I stopped having those dreams. And kinda forgot all about it.
As fate would have it… two weeks ago, I had my latest dog dream. This one I got bit in as well. Twice on my left hand to be exact.
I woke up as usual with a bewildered frown on my face and wondered what all that meant. I shrugged it off as the day went by and figured I’d know in due time. But the craziest thing happened. Usually after a dream like that, I go for months without having any bad dreams. But in the last two weeks, the dreams kept coming and coming.
For two consecutive nights, I dreamt that Usher got shot. I don’t remember him dying in either dream, but it could be because I woke up right after I saw the blood. A few nights after that, I dreamt that my car got stolen, the night after that, I lost my job...and the night after that, my parents died in a car crash.
*sigh*
This can't be a good thing. How many people have 6 bad dreams in 10 nights?
I can’t understand why such negative dreams. I haven’t been eating late as the old folks would suspect. And I haven’t been watching tv…so I have no idea where these dreams are formulating, and why in such a short time span.
It has me a little worried. Not really in the sense that these dreams are literal truth, and all this will happen just like the dream...but more so in the symbolic sense. I also wonder if these are premonitions of hardships to come, or my unconsious way of seeing/dealing with the things that have happened already.
My thing has always been to try and figure out which one MY dreams were.
I’ve even went as far as to buy dream interpretation books and everything. I’m really into this stuff.
I guess because over the years I’ve had some very vivid, very real dreams about things and people and events that left me speechless when I woke up. Dreams that I remember to this day. Dreams that makes people’s eyes bulge and heart beat fast when I tell it to them.
Usually these dreams are far and few in between…but I remembered them all.
Then last year I started dreaming about animals. Yeah I said animals. Stop looking at me funny.
I had about 4 dog dreams last year. Not just regular dreams with dogs in them… the dogs were like…one of the major players in these dreams. I mean, one time I woke up and literally felt the dog bite on my behind for the next two days! I knew that they meant something, but couldn’t figure out what they meant.
Well…around September of last year, I stopped having those dreams. And kinda forgot all about it.
As fate would have it… two weeks ago, I had my latest dog dream. This one I got bit in as well. Twice on my left hand to be exact.
I woke up as usual with a bewildered frown on my face and wondered what all that meant. I shrugged it off as the day went by and figured I’d know in due time. But the craziest thing happened. Usually after a dream like that, I go for months without having any bad dreams. But in the last two weeks, the dreams kept coming and coming.
For two consecutive nights, I dreamt that Usher got shot. I don’t remember him dying in either dream, but it could be because I woke up right after I saw the blood. A few nights after that, I dreamt that my car got stolen, the night after that, I lost my job...and the night after that, my parents died in a car crash.
*sigh*
This can't be a good thing. How many people have 6 bad dreams in 10 nights?
I can’t understand why such negative dreams. I haven’t been eating late as the old folks would suspect. And I haven’t been watching tv…so I have no idea where these dreams are formulating, and why in such a short time span.
It has me a little worried. Not really in the sense that these dreams are literal truth, and all this will happen just like the dream...but more so in the symbolic sense. I also wonder if these are premonitions of hardships to come, or my unconsious way of seeing/dealing with the things that have happened already.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
There's nothing like a good understanding...
“This isn’t working”.. I told Usher.
He closed his eyes and rolled his head backwards onto the couch and listen quietly as I killed him softly.
“We both know how different we are. You know I’m really into Church. U know I got that 'good girl' thing going on. I enjoy gospel music and I enjoy reading the Bible. I really believe that couples should be equally yoked. Plus, I could care less about name brand clothes and shoes and purses. And I don't even know the difference between Young Joc, Young Jeezy and Weesy...and whoever else. You…well you’re a bad boy. You’re into rap, and smoking, and cursing, and cars with rims… you go to church about twice a year and everything you want has to be big and flashy and expensive. You don't care for the music I like, and you live your life by your rules. Everything I like you don’t, everything you like, I don’t. We’re just too different. Something’s gotta give. Somethings gotta change…and I…”
He got up and headed to his closet as if he’d heard all he needed to and began sorting his dirty clothes into washable piles.
“Usher, I’m still talking…I’m no”
“Sway I think you’ve said enough.” He interrupts. “There’s nothing else to say.”
I watch him carefully place his work clothes in one neat pile on the floor. His body language would have me to believe that our conversation was over and he was fine, but I couldn’t help but see those 3 tears running down his left cheek. He tried to hide them, but I saw them.
I get up and lead him back to the couch.
I sit on his lap, facing him. His face is about 2 inches away from mine. I stare into his tear filled eyes. I know him well enough now to know that his tears and mine mean two very different things. He only tears up when he’s mad or dissapointed. I pretty much cry about everything.
“I’m not leaving you Usher.” I say while cuping his face in my hands.
He tries to look away, but I continued to shift his eyes back to mine.
I’m starting to understand him. Though he doesn’t talk about her much, his ex really did some major damage by walking out on him. He’s not afraid of a lot, but I know that the one thing that scares him the most is being abandoned again.
“Look at me Usher. Look at me. I am NOT leaving you. Okay? But this is gonna be a MAJOR problem in the future. If we’re really gonna make this relationship work, some things MUST change. Otherwise, we’re wasting each other’s time. ”
He seemed to relax just a little bit. His main concern was addressed...and once I cleared the air about that...he was more open to hearing me out.
I didn't know how to make him understand where I was coming from. He thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong in his eyes. He often told me, "Sway, why we need to talk? You my girl, i'm your dude...the only thing we need to talk about is how our day is...or what we gonna do on the weekend. All the hard stuff was solved when we agreed to be together."
In his eyes...the only time we needed to stop and do some serious talking is when we decided to either get married, move in together, or have a child. Other than that, every moment should be simple, lighthearted and fun.
I didn't see it that way. I mean, I wish it WAS that way for me. But it wasn't. I've been struggling with stuff from the beginning. I knew from jump that my spirituality and his lack thereof would soon lead to some major issues for me. It's not a thing for him, but it's everything to me. I have never dated anyone who didn’t do the church thing. I mean, I honestly believe in the whole equally yoked bit. I want my man to be into the same things I’m into. I don’t want to forever be bound to someone who has different values and views than I do. How can I get my praise on if he’s always smoking? How can he blast his rap music in the house if I’m always praying? It can’t happen. And I knew that from day one. Yet I still chose to be with him. At first, because I didn’t have the heart to keep on fighting him away. Now because I actually like him and am genuinely care for him. I expressed my feelings about all of this when we first met but just kept coming around to, “Sway, you haven’t even tried yet. You don’t know if it would work or not. At least give us a chance.”
Against my better judgement, I gave us a chance. I don't regret one moment of our time together, but I must face the reality that always was: if we have any chance at all in making this work, we’ve got a lot of odds against us that we need to come to an understanding about.
We talked and talked...but at the end of the day, I still didn't see things his way. How can we be so different and work?
I got my answer when I met his parents.
Usher is a spitting image of his dad. Not in the physical sense really, but their mannerism, beliefs, crazy sayings… are so close to they seem to be one in the same. Usher IS his daddy. Both talking cold cash about everything. Loud, crazy, free spirited men. I couldn’t believe it!
The first words out of Dad’s mouth when we arrived at their home was…
“Da hell? Neegro u done got biiiig! I know for sure I can whip yo’ azz on the court now. When you wanna get spanked?”
Usher laughed, dapped his daddy like they were homeboys and retorted back with...
“Sh** man, we can do this wheneva. This rock hard body I got will crush your ole azz on the court”.
They continued to call each other out their name and talk cold cash for the remainder of our visit. I was speechless. I've never heard an exchange like this before. Did they really just talked to each other like that? And no love was lost? No one felt disrespected?
"*shrug* That’s how they are." Usher's mom whispered to me after greeting me and seeing my expression.
I had met his mom before. So I knew how she was… but seeing his dad threw me for a loop. How in the heck did these two manage to hook up, marry, and stay together for over 40 years?
Usher’s mom was a sweet, softspoken lady who just rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband after one of his loud rants about nothing and said… “That’s Tom for ya”.
Seeing them interact with each other really blew my mind. They were so different! She was a nice sophisticated woman who’s past times included going to church, caring for her elderly aunt, cooking, and occasionally indulging in a little guilty pleasure with a glass of Chardonnay or Moet. Her husband was a loud, crazy talking man whose religion was golf, gambling, and beer. While she talked to me about Church and her job, he was telling Usher about one of his wild conspiracy theories and updating him on his friend who got drunk at a card game and shot himself in the foot. Yet, he and his wife got along perfectly. It was funny to see them having two totally different conversations, but still rubbing on each other's legs and playing footsie while doing it.
I finally got why Usher insisted that I meet them. They were pretty much us. He wanted me to see what he saw.
She hated golf ... he hated gospel concerts, yet they loved each other dearly. She may be in Atlanta at church on Sunday while he was in Augusta at the golf course, but when they got together that evening, they both enjoyed the dinner and movie they saw.
It opened my eyes a little as to why Usher really thought we could work. His parents had successfully done it for 40+ years. I’ve never seen anything like it. And his parents seemed genuinely happy. It was like, they had their own things they did…and when it was time to get together... they enjoyed every minute of it.
On our way back from their house…I told him that I finally understood what he’s been saying all this time. And thought that it was time for him to meet my parents so maybe he too can undertsand me better as well.
Since then, we’ve been learning more about each other…finding out how I can be me and he can be him and still make US work.
When I want to get my praise on and he doesn't, he goes and washes my car, or plays ball and by the time he comes back, we continue where we left off.
When he wants to smoke, he does it before i come over or we take a stroll outside so that the smoke doesn't in my hair/clothes as much.
If we're in the car together, we listen to something like old school r&b, which both of us enjoy. (or TI - lol)
Surprisingly…it’s been working. I'm happy.
I definitely believe that opposites attract…but in my heart, I still believe that the similarities are what keeps most couples.
I guess we’ll see…
He closed his eyes and rolled his head backwards onto the couch and listen quietly as I killed him softly.
“We both know how different we are. You know I’m really into Church. U know I got that 'good girl' thing going on. I enjoy gospel music and I enjoy reading the Bible. I really believe that couples should be equally yoked. Plus, I could care less about name brand clothes and shoes and purses. And I don't even know the difference between Young Joc, Young Jeezy and Weesy...and whoever else. You…well you’re a bad boy. You’re into rap, and smoking, and cursing, and cars with rims… you go to church about twice a year and everything you want has to be big and flashy and expensive. You don't care for the music I like, and you live your life by your rules. Everything I like you don’t, everything you like, I don’t. We’re just too different. Something’s gotta give. Somethings gotta change…and I…”
He got up and headed to his closet as if he’d heard all he needed to and began sorting his dirty clothes into washable piles.
“Usher, I’m still talking…I’m no”
“Sway I think you’ve said enough.” He interrupts. “There’s nothing else to say.”
I watch him carefully place his work clothes in one neat pile on the floor. His body language would have me to believe that our conversation was over and he was fine, but I couldn’t help but see those 3 tears running down his left cheek. He tried to hide them, but I saw them.
I get up and lead him back to the couch.
I sit on his lap, facing him. His face is about 2 inches away from mine. I stare into his tear filled eyes. I know him well enough now to know that his tears and mine mean two very different things. He only tears up when he’s mad or dissapointed. I pretty much cry about everything.
“I’m not leaving you Usher.” I say while cuping his face in my hands.
He tries to look away, but I continued to shift his eyes back to mine.
I’m starting to understand him. Though he doesn’t talk about her much, his ex really did some major damage by walking out on him. He’s not afraid of a lot, but I know that the one thing that scares him the most is being abandoned again.
“Look at me Usher. Look at me. I am NOT leaving you. Okay? But this is gonna be a MAJOR problem in the future. If we’re really gonna make this relationship work, some things MUST change. Otherwise, we’re wasting each other’s time. ”
He seemed to relax just a little bit. His main concern was addressed...and once I cleared the air about that...he was more open to hearing me out.
I didn't know how to make him understand where I was coming from. He thought that our relationship was perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong in his eyes. He often told me, "Sway, why we need to talk? You my girl, i'm your dude...the only thing we need to talk about is how our day is...or what we gonna do on the weekend. All the hard stuff was solved when we agreed to be together."
In his eyes...the only time we needed to stop and do some serious talking is when we decided to either get married, move in together, or have a child. Other than that, every moment should be simple, lighthearted and fun.
I didn't see it that way. I mean, I wish it WAS that way for me. But it wasn't. I've been struggling with stuff from the beginning. I knew from jump that my spirituality and his lack thereof would soon lead to some major issues for me. It's not a thing for him, but it's everything to me. I have never dated anyone who didn’t do the church thing. I mean, I honestly believe in the whole equally yoked bit. I want my man to be into the same things I’m into. I don’t want to forever be bound to someone who has different values and views than I do. How can I get my praise on if he’s always smoking? How can he blast his rap music in the house if I’m always praying? It can’t happen. And I knew that from day one. Yet I still chose to be with him. At first, because I didn’t have the heart to keep on fighting him away. Now because I actually like him and am genuinely care for him. I expressed my feelings about all of this when we first met but just kept coming around to, “Sway, you haven’t even tried yet. You don’t know if it would work or not. At least give us a chance.”
Against my better judgement, I gave us a chance. I don't regret one moment of our time together, but I must face the reality that always was: if we have any chance at all in making this work, we’ve got a lot of odds against us that we need to come to an understanding about.
We talked and talked...but at the end of the day, I still didn't see things his way. How can we be so different and work?
I got my answer when I met his parents.
Usher is a spitting image of his dad. Not in the physical sense really, but their mannerism, beliefs, crazy sayings… are so close to they seem to be one in the same. Usher IS his daddy. Both talking cold cash about everything. Loud, crazy, free spirited men. I couldn’t believe it!
The first words out of Dad’s mouth when we arrived at their home was…
“Da hell? Neegro u done got biiiig! I know for sure I can whip yo’ azz on the court now. When you wanna get spanked?”
Usher laughed, dapped his daddy like they were homeboys and retorted back with...
“Sh** man, we can do this wheneva. This rock hard body I got will crush your ole azz on the court”.
They continued to call each other out their name and talk cold cash for the remainder of our visit. I was speechless. I've never heard an exchange like this before. Did they really just talked to each other like that? And no love was lost? No one felt disrespected?
"*shrug* That’s how they are." Usher's mom whispered to me after greeting me and seeing my expression.
I had met his mom before. So I knew how she was… but seeing his dad threw me for a loop. How in the heck did these two manage to hook up, marry, and stay together for over 40 years?
Usher’s mom was a sweet, softspoken lady who just rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband after one of his loud rants about nothing and said… “That’s Tom for ya”.
Seeing them interact with each other really blew my mind. They were so different! She was a nice sophisticated woman who’s past times included going to church, caring for her elderly aunt, cooking, and occasionally indulging in a little guilty pleasure with a glass of Chardonnay or Moet. Her husband was a loud, crazy talking man whose religion was golf, gambling, and beer. While she talked to me about Church and her job, he was telling Usher about one of his wild conspiracy theories and updating him on his friend who got drunk at a card game and shot himself in the foot. Yet, he and his wife got along perfectly. It was funny to see them having two totally different conversations, but still rubbing on each other's legs and playing footsie while doing it.
I finally got why Usher insisted that I meet them. They were pretty much us. He wanted me to see what he saw.
She hated golf ... he hated gospel concerts, yet they loved each other dearly. She may be in Atlanta at church on Sunday while he was in Augusta at the golf course, but when they got together that evening, they both enjoyed the dinner and movie they saw.
It opened my eyes a little as to why Usher really thought we could work. His parents had successfully done it for 40+ years. I’ve never seen anything like it. And his parents seemed genuinely happy. It was like, they had their own things they did…and when it was time to get together... they enjoyed every minute of it.
On our way back from their house…I told him that I finally understood what he’s been saying all this time. And thought that it was time for him to meet my parents so maybe he too can undertsand me better as well.
Since then, we’ve been learning more about each other…finding out how I can be me and he can be him and still make US work.
When I want to get my praise on and he doesn't, he goes and washes my car, or plays ball and by the time he comes back, we continue where we left off.
When he wants to smoke, he does it before i come over or we take a stroll outside so that the smoke doesn't in my hair/clothes as much.
If we're in the car together, we listen to something like old school r&b, which both of us enjoy. (or TI - lol)
Surprisingly…it’s been working. I'm happy.
I definitely believe that opposites attract…but in my heart, I still believe that the similarities are what keeps most couples.
I guess we’ll see…
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The Sunday Blues
Sunday June 11, 2006
Usher's house
“I joined the church today” I casually informed Usher as I laid snuggled up under him around noon this particular Sunday morning.
“TG’s church?” He questioned while resting one arm on the side of his head and the other on my stomach.
I hate when he calls Free Spirit TG’s church. TG does not own that church!
“Noooo. TG doesn’t have a church. I joined Free Spirit.” I calmly say.
“Whatever, you know what I mean. He goes there.” He says a little agitated.
We both fall silent. He was watching some post-departure Dave Chapelle interview and I laid there looking at the ceiling wondering if he was gonna say anything positive about me finally making a decision about church.
I studied his face after a few minutes had passed. So he’s not gonna say anything…I think to myself. I was a little disappointed. I guess I wanted him to be happy. This is something that I’ve been in turmoil about since the beginning of the year. My joining a church was a major step in the right direction for me. It meant that I was finally getting my life back on track enough to make decisions not completely influenced by my emotions. It meant that I was ready to get back in my normal groove. It meant that I was finally happy with my life and I could now move forward. It was an “exhale” moment for me and I wanted him to be happy with me.
Such was not the case. His uncharacteristically quiet daze at the television let me know that either he did not want to discuss my involvement with “TG’s church” ever again, or that he was REALLY pissed off.
In order to keep us in good spirits, I began talking about something I KNEW he’d like… FOOD.
After a few one word answers. He finally shook off that cold shoulder he was giving me and all was well with our interactions. So I thought.
A few hours later.
Usher: Honey, here’s the remote. You can watch whatever.
Me: What u finna do?
Usher: Take my medicine.
Me: Oh. Aight. *i know what that means... smoke time*
He leaves the room while I flip the channels. A gospel program is on and I get sucked into it. He comes in the room and sits on the bed with his back towards me. After a few seconds he turns around and gives me this mean look. Initially I’m thinking, “why is he looking at me like that”. Then it dawned on me… He’s smoking…and I’m blasting some Gospel. Conflict. So I change the channel and try to find something else to watch. Unconsciously I start humming the song that I had just finished listening to as I flip the channels.
Usher: Well damn, u should have just left it on the station you were on if you gonna do that sh**!
Me: Soooooryyyyy!
Usher: I mean damn don’t u see me trying to handle mine over here. I don’t wanna hear that. Da hell wrong with you… yada yada yada.. *getting more pissed off by the moment over something that shouldn’t have been that deep.*
Me: aight Usher. I said sorry.
Usher: *still trying to start something* Blah Blah Blah
So I get up and leave the room. I tell him that I’m going for a walk. I don’t know why I let him get to me but I do. That was the third time so far since I been at his house that he has went off on me. I mean dude was snapping at me left and right and I didn't even argue with him as much as I normally would just to keep peace.
This wasn’t working for me. I mean, all that excitement and happiness I felt that morning about getting back into church and seeing my life fall into place was almost totally undone. He managed to zap every bit of positive energy I had earlier.
“it’s not him Sway, it’s the enemy” I kept telling myself.
But it didn’t help me.
After about a good 10 minutes, Usher came looking for me.
“Why you out here in this heat Sway. Come inside”
“I’m thinking” I sighed as I wiped beads of sweat off my face.
My open car door steadily beeped as he looked at me. I didn't want to look at him just yet. I was still upset and I knew if we caught eye contact, it would start another conversation/fight that I didn't want.
“You coming in?” He asked.
I paused. Lord KNOWS I felt like I was about to die in that heat.
“Yeah, in a minute” I managed to get out.
I figured that would make him leave, and I could come in later. I had to prepare myself for the talk we were about to have.
He leaned against my car, crossed his arms and legs, and proceded to stand there with this “well I guess I’ll wait” look on his face.
I gave up within the minute and stepped out the car. Hand in hand, we silently walked back up to his place.
He turned off the tv and sat on the bedroom couch in front of me.
“So… you wanna tell me what all this is about Sway?” He said.
“What it’s about? Usher you KNOW what this is about.” I steamed.
“Look Usher…” I sighed “This isn’t working…”
Usher's house
“I joined the church today” I casually informed Usher as I laid snuggled up under him around noon this particular Sunday morning.
“TG’s church?” He questioned while resting one arm on the side of his head and the other on my stomach.
I hate when he calls Free Spirit TG’s church. TG does not own that church!
“Noooo. TG doesn’t have a church. I joined Free Spirit.” I calmly say.
“Whatever, you know what I mean. He goes there.” He says a little agitated.
We both fall silent. He was watching some post-departure Dave Chapelle interview and I laid there looking at the ceiling wondering if he was gonna say anything positive about me finally making a decision about church.
I studied his face after a few minutes had passed. So he’s not gonna say anything…I think to myself. I was a little disappointed. I guess I wanted him to be happy. This is something that I’ve been in turmoil about since the beginning of the year. My joining a church was a major step in the right direction for me. It meant that I was finally getting my life back on track enough to make decisions not completely influenced by my emotions. It meant that I was ready to get back in my normal groove. It meant that I was finally happy with my life and I could now move forward. It was an “exhale” moment for me and I wanted him to be happy with me.
Such was not the case. His uncharacteristically quiet daze at the television let me know that either he did not want to discuss my involvement with “TG’s church” ever again, or that he was REALLY pissed off.
In order to keep us in good spirits, I began talking about something I KNEW he’d like… FOOD.
After a few one word answers. He finally shook off that cold shoulder he was giving me and all was well with our interactions. So I thought.
A few hours later.
Usher: Honey, here’s the remote. You can watch whatever.
Me: What u finna do?
Usher: Take my medicine.
Me: Oh. Aight. *i know what that means... smoke time*
He leaves the room while I flip the channels. A gospel program is on and I get sucked into it. He comes in the room and sits on the bed with his back towards me. After a few seconds he turns around and gives me this mean look. Initially I’m thinking, “why is he looking at me like that”. Then it dawned on me… He’s smoking…and I’m blasting some Gospel. Conflict. So I change the channel and try to find something else to watch. Unconsciously I start humming the song that I had just finished listening to as I flip the channels.
Usher: Well damn, u should have just left it on the station you were on if you gonna do that sh**!
Me: Soooooryyyyy!
Usher: I mean damn don’t u see me trying to handle mine over here. I don’t wanna hear that. Da hell wrong with you… yada yada yada.. *getting more pissed off by the moment over something that shouldn’t have been that deep.*
Me: aight Usher. I said sorry.
Usher: *still trying to start something* Blah Blah Blah
So I get up and leave the room. I tell him that I’m going for a walk. I don’t know why I let him get to me but I do. That was the third time so far since I been at his house that he has went off on me. I mean dude was snapping at me left and right and I didn't even argue with him as much as I normally would just to keep peace.
This wasn’t working for me. I mean, all that excitement and happiness I felt that morning about getting back into church and seeing my life fall into place was almost totally undone. He managed to zap every bit of positive energy I had earlier.
“it’s not him Sway, it’s the enemy” I kept telling myself.
But it didn’t help me.
After about a good 10 minutes, Usher came looking for me.
“Why you out here in this heat Sway. Come inside”
“I’m thinking” I sighed as I wiped beads of sweat off my face.
My open car door steadily beeped as he looked at me. I didn't want to look at him just yet. I was still upset and I knew if we caught eye contact, it would start another conversation/fight that I didn't want.
“You coming in?” He asked.
I paused. Lord KNOWS I felt like I was about to die in that heat.
“Yeah, in a minute” I managed to get out.
I figured that would make him leave, and I could come in later. I had to prepare myself for the talk we were about to have.
He leaned against my car, crossed his arms and legs, and proceded to stand there with this “well I guess I’ll wait” look on his face.
I gave up within the minute and stepped out the car. Hand in hand, we silently walked back up to his place.
He turned off the tv and sat on the bedroom couch in front of me.
“So… you wanna tell me what all this is about Sway?” He said.
“What it’s about? Usher you KNOW what this is about.” I steamed.
“Look Usher…” I sighed “This isn’t working…”
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