Here we are...

Is it really 2 days before 2006?

No really, IS it?

I remember writing last year’s New Years post like it was just yesterday. The way time fly nowadays really make you stop and think about how short life is. How precious it is. How much time we waste on frivolous things. How little time we spend on this that really matter.

What did I do this year? How did time pass me by? What happened to March? September? June? Was I sleep? Where’d 2005 go?

Every year I feel the same way, with each new year rolling by faster and faster. The older I get, the less I worry about new years resolutions, and the more I worry about living each day to the fullest because now, years come and go so fast, I don’t have time to waste. Before I know it, my children will be married. If I’m not careful, I’ll be 60 still trying to fulfill my dream of recording my gospel CD.

Last year this time, I really was excited about 2005. I was confident that MIRACLES were gonna happen for me this year. I knew I’d meet my husband. I knew some major things were gonna take place this year, and I was so excited about 2005 that in Dec of ‘04 I would randomly scream with glee when no one was around just at the thought of this year.

Well now, this year’s about to end. 2005 has taken its course and all that was going to happen, happened. I must say, I did have a great year. I did experience many miracles. I did meet my husband, my soulmate, my Adam. And for all of this I’m grateful.

And as quick as I can blink my eye, I find myself at the end of a year again. My excited thoughts about 2005 last year are replaced this year with many unknowns, uncertainties, and less zeal. I began to wonder why.

Don't get me wrong, I’m still excited about being able to see another year. That’s a blessing no matter how you look at it. But what I find weird is that… while I’m in a much better position now than I was last year this time, and I mean in EVERY WAY… I’m not as excited about the 2006 as I was last year with 2005.

I guess lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Since TG came into my life…things have been wonderfully bad…and perfectly chaotic. How can something so right be so hard? Don’t get me wrong, we’re not forcing “US”. We not trying to make something that shouldn’t happen, happen. When it’s just us…we’re fine, the world is wonderful, everything makes sense. The foundation is solid. It’s just the world around us that complicates our togetherness.

I feel like Romeo & Juliet in that respect. Not the whole family feud thing, but the whole… “we love each other but circumstances make it hard for us to be together” thing. Some days I just wanna quit. Some days he just wanna quit.

I guess I’m not as zealous about 2006 because while last year, I KNEW the good things that were gonna happen, this year I am completely lost. I have no clue what 2006 holds for me. For TG. For my parents. For my friends. God didn’t speak as clearly to me concerning that as He did coming into 2005. So I go in wondering…

This new year holds the answer to TG and my destiny. Will we quit? *shrug* Only God and time know the answer to that. I don’t know how I can be at peace and nervous at the same time…but I am. lol

*sidenote*
And ya’ll I know I l eave out so many details that it’s hard to follow TG and my crazy relationship. Lol One day we’re getting married, the next, we’re not together. Or so it seems. I apologize for not being as detailed as I should for you guys to understand why these drastic changes happen… but nevertheless I felt I should inform you that I’m aware how trifflin I am for leaving SO MUCH out. lol
*end sidenote*

Since this year began, I’ve had many financial problems as well…
more than I care to elaborate on. And while I make more this year than I did last year, I saved no more. I didn’t have as much fun spending what I didn’t save. And it made me no happier. Isn’t that something? It makes me wonder about this upcoming year. What unexpected thing are gonna come up next year that will put a hole in my savings? In my plans. In my life as i know it now. I pray nothing. But I know this year stuff came out the woodworks.

I guess overall what I’m saying is…

I was so excited about 2005 that I overestimated my own happiness in it. And while everything I hoped to happen, happened. It finished rather lackluster because I was overly excited about them.

It’s like everybody telling you how great and wonderful the ATL is… or NY is… or Cali is… (you get my point) and then you get there…and you’re like… is this it? Is this what everyone was so excited about? Is this what I was so excited about? I mean…it’s aaaaaaight… good even… but I was way too excited. I was expecting so much more. lol
Same kinda thing here.

Kinda goes back to what I was saying in This Post. Sometimes the most exciting thing is the imagination of it….the anticipation of it. The reality is nice, but never quite as good as you imagined.

I'm also saying that i think i'm a little more nervous this year because i have so much more at stake. Last year i was ready for a change. Mostly any change would have been good. lol. I had a blank slate last year.
I was excited about new things coming. But now they've came and I have what I want, and the unknown is not as welcomed because i don't know how it's going to disrupt my life. It's easy to risk it all when you have nothing. It's easy to roll with change when things are already bad. But now that things are good... I just want them to stay that way... understand? lol

I’m not trying to be melancholy. I’m in a peaceful place right now. It’s just that…honestly, I have no idea what 2006 holds for me. Which is exciting in a way…but very scary in many other ways. So as I say goodbye to 2005, I less zealously, but just as appreciatively await 2006 and all of its contents…and pray that next year this time, I can say that I LOVED EVERY MOMENT of the year…and mean it.

May your new year bring you the desires of your heart. May your heart be lead by a sound mind and spirit…and may your spirit be of Christ. :)